Reporter:  Do you have anything you would like to say about the bipartisan support for the latest abortion bill?  Sir?

Obama (staring vacantly)

Deep Voiced Announcer: Coming to theaters as soon as it is politically expedient– Taken 4.

Fade

Obama: (dimly lit and speaking into a cellphone): I don’t know who you are.  I don’t know what you want.

Cut Scene

(Obama and Joe in the Oval Office)

Obama: Don’t lie to me, Joe.  John Kerry and James Taylor aren’t really in France anymore are they? Joe….

Joe: No. No they aren’t.

Obama: Joe.  Joe, look at me.  Where are they, Joe?  Don’t lie to me again.

Joe: Kerry is taking James Taylor’s particular brand of hippy music on a peace concert tour throughout the Middle East.  They could change the world, sir.

Obama: Fools!  Imbeciles!  Where are they, Joe?

Joe: They were starting the tour in Lebanon.  Don’t worry.  They are at the US embassy there in Benghazi.  There is no place safer.

Obama: The fools!  The naïve fools!  The world is more dangerous than they imagine.  There are more videos on Youtube than just one, Joe.  Many more.  And you can never predict when another will start a firestorm.

Cut Scene

Obama: (dimly lit and speaking into a cellphone): If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money since I’m $17 trillion in debt, and can’t raise the debt ceiling for a few more months…

Cut Scene

Kerry (listening on cellphone under bed)

Obama’s voice through cellphone: John.  Listen to me John. You are going to be taken.  When they come for you, and they will come for you, you will have about 10 seconds.  Those seconds are crucial.  Tell me everything you see.  Any little detail.

Kerry (whimpers and cries into cellphone)

Cut Scene

Obama: (dimly lit and speaking into a cellphone): But what I do have are a very particular set of skills.

Cut Scene

(Obama and Joe in the Oval Office playing a tape)

From the tape, Kerry’s tear-drenched voice amid the chaos: Green.  I see green.  And a crescent.  And red hair.  And goat.  I smell goat. Why do I smell goat? (screams)

Kerry’s voice is cut off and replaced by another: Allahu akbar. (click)

Joe: A green crescent.  What does that mean?

Obama: Red horseshoes.  Blue clovers.  Green crescents?  That’s one o’ me lucky charms, me laddie.

Joe: You mean?  They were taken by Leprechauns?

Obama: I’m afraid we have an Irish problem.

Joe: But ‘Allahu akbar?”  What does that even mean?

Obama: How should I know?  I don’t speak Irish.  But I aim to find out.

Cut Scene

Obama: (dimly lit and speaking into a cellphone): Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

Cut Scene

Dark figure with a funny hat: The tall, gangly effeminate one is clearly a eunuch. He will be perfect to guard our haram.

Second dark figure with a funnier hat (laughs) : Boko Haram’s harem.

Dark figure with a funny hat (laughs):  Very good.  Yes.  And the aging hippy we will sell. (Strokes James Taylor’s fringe hair and sniffs it) Cat Stevens will pay much for this one.

Cut Scene

Obama: (dimly lit and speaking into a cellphone): If you let my secretary of state go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you…

Cut Scene

(Obama and Joe in the Oval Office huddled around Obama’s laptop)

Joe: But why are you hacking into Healthcare.gov?

Obama: It’s the least secure website in the world.  Anything we need to know about the terrorists we can get from this site.

Joe: But only Americans enrolled with Healthcare.gov…Oh.

Obama: So, your eyes are opened now.  Yes.  The only real terrorists are American.  They will be in there.

Cut Scene

Obama: (dimly lit and speaking into a cellphone): I will not look for you, I will not pursue you.

Cut Scene

James Taylor (weakly, with a death rattle): Take….care…Boko Haram…they are not…as they seem…

Cut Scene

Deep Voiced Announcer: First they took his daughter…

Obama (yelling into cellphone driving a car being fiercely pursued): Joe. Boko Haram.

Deep Voiced Announcer: Then they took his wife…

Joe: Yes? Barack?  What is it?

Deep Voiced Announcer: But now they’ve taken the whole world hostage.

Obama: Boko Haram is a front, Joe.  Puppets on strings.  They are controlled by papists.  All the terrorists in the world are dancing upon papist strings.  They are all false flag operations.  All of them.  Even the nutjobs blaming Israel are controlled by the papists.  Wheels within wheels.  They made Piss Christ, Joe.  The papists.  They made it themselves just to give themselves a reason to be outraged.  We mustn’t let them usher in the apocalypse!

Cut Scene

Obama: (dimly lit and speaking into a cellphone): But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will audit you.

Cut Scene

(The Pope is cowering in an elevator holding his hand in front of him pleadingly as Obama approaches)

The Pope: Please.  No.  It wasn’t political.  It was just religion.

Obama: It was political to me.  Let’s talk about free birth control and that non-profit tax status you like so much….

Reporter: So, you are saying the abortion bill was only political to you? Religion had nothing to do with your support of it at all.

Obama: Religion has no place whatsoever in politics, in my opinion.  Besides, religious stuff is way above my pay grade.