(Press conference on the terrorist attack on Charlie Hebdo already in progress)

Obama: Would it be okay if I just finish eating my waffles right now?

Press: Officials and witnesses at the scene seem completely convinced that this was a terrorist attack on the French satire magazine. What is your opinion?

Obama: Let me be perfectly clear. If you like your magazine you can keep your magazine. Period. If you like your satire, you can keep your satire. Period.

Press: Follow up. Let’s bring the issue closer to home. What would be your reaction if such an attack happened on American soil, say for instance, Frank J of IMAO were beheaded by ‘alleged’ terrorists for an offensive Muslim joke or the offensive display of a T-shirt babe rather than a burka babe?

Obama: Oh, well that kind of satire is actionable, of course. And that kind of blatant display of female flesh is like putting a steak in front of a dog. We, uh, I mean ISIS, had to block that site cause each time our, I mean their, mujahideen happened upon it they got so riled up they’d ululate, waste ammunition on the sky and finally resort to hustling gimpily down to the goat pen. Curse IMAO and Frank J! I’d send in my own cell if I could only find that wily bastard. Stormed his Idaho safe house, and he was already gone.  Lerner isn’t keeping close enough tabs on him, it seems, or maybe she lost that e-mail.  But anyway, I meant we need to protect legitimate satire not the kind that makes fun of me and my side. A cartoon with George Bush depicted as a bungling monkey is hilarious, but one of me? Death to the infidels, I say. Taking that site down wouldn’t be an act of terrorism but one of patriotism.

Press: Some have been claiming that the ‘alleged’ terrorists have al qaeda ties. What is your reaction to that?

Obama: Once again, let me be perfectly clear.

Press: Ok, then, how do you account for the fact that the ‘alleged terrorists’ were shouting ‘allahu akbar’ during the attack?

Obama: Well, I don’t speak French, so I really don’t know what they were saying. Wait a minute, my linguist is telling me that he believes the dialect is from the slums of Tatooine. Roughly translated it means ‘death to General Akbar.’ I’m sensing there was some discontent with the Star Wars trailer at the Paris Comic Con. Again, most Muslim unrest seems to be centered around videos of some sort. Princess Leia really should have been wearing a burka instead of that sexy slave outfit. Really appalling.

Press: What do you think are the implications of the shooting of the police officers? Will that do more to raise a public outrage against this attack?

Obama: Were the officers white?

Press: I do believe so.

Obama: Well, this is clearly a case of the ‘alleged’ terrorists being harassed by the fuzz for the mere act of militarily assaulting a ‘target’ while being swarthy. It’s tantamount to racial profiling, really. Just because you were an innocent Muslim in the vicinity with an automatic rifle, it doesn’t necessarily follow that you are part of the assault. It’s just part of the culture. The police quite likely started a firefight with innocent bystanders. I won’t say any more on this topic, but I do believe the cops may well have had it coming. I would like to reiterate once again, that the primary problem we’re faced with here is France’s unsatisfactory gun control laws. And considering France’s increasing Muslim population, I would recommend that they also institute stricter machete, kitchen knife, cleaver, bludgeon, bomb, garrote, black jack, baseball bat, ice pick, 2 X 4, hammer, shiv, dagger, scimitar, stone, pointed stick, children’s scissors, fingernail clipper, exacto-knife and 3.5 oz size liquid bottle control laws as well. That is all the time I have. I leave you with Susan Rice. She will show you the offensive Star Wars trailer and the equally offensive prequels before taking further questions. But I would like to assure you that the situation is under control. Swat teams have been sent to apprehend George Lucas from his heavily guarded compound, and I have summoned Carrie Fisher to my chambers for interrogation and ankle inspection. She will tell me where George has hidden his rebel base, or I will turn her over to Bill for a little renditioning.  I will keep you posted.  Thank you.