Biden: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the premier of MSNBCs new game show, Muslim or Not a Muslim. I’m your host, Creepy Joe Biden, and that gosh darn little cutey over there in her bikini is my lovely assistant Missy. Why don’t you come over here and give me a little hug and kiss, Missy? No? Ok, I’ll get you later after the show in your dressing room. Don’t give me that look. You know I will. We have a lot of fun around here, folks, but on with the show. The game is simple, I will name something, and the contestants must guess whether it is muslim or not. Over to my left is the lovely Ms. Lena Dunham performing her version of the dance of the seven veils. And you may note that she is clothed in nothing but those seven veils. Thank goodness they are sufficiently opaque. Every time a contestant gives me a wrong answer, they must remove one of the veils from Ms. Dunham. When all the veils have been removed from Ms. Dunham, the contestant with the fewest veils prevails. Missy, what lovely prize will our winner receive today?

Missy (brandishes a set of long knives and machetes)

Announcer: Our victor today will walk away with this rugged set of Ginsu knives from the Jihadi Choice Collection. Ginsu knives, made from high quality stainless steel, have blades that won’t be stopped by mere sinew and bone, and their textured rubber grip won’t slip no matter how bloody it gets. The Ginsu name is synonymous with durability and a well-honed edge that lasts a lifetime.  It can saw through a nail and still sever an infidel’s neck like this. Ginsu knives, the Jihadi’s choice.

Biden: Thank you, Missy. And as an added bonus today, the winner will get to try out those Ginsu knives by beheading the loser. But before we begin, let’s get to know our contestants a little bit. First, we have Barack Obama. Barack, take a second and tell us about yourself. It says here that you grew up overseas.

Obama: Yes, Joe. African born and raised. No, wait. Hawaii. Hawaii is overseas right? You can’t trick me that easy.

Biden: Oh no, you are way too smart for me. Of course, I’m often told that everyone is way too smart for me. But your turn, Howard Dean, why don’t you tell us something about yourself?

Dean: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Biden: Well then, let’s get this game started. Ok, first question. Muslim or not a muslim? The muslim terrorists that attacked Charlie Hebdo.

Dean (buzzes): Not a muslim. Definitely not a muslim. They were a religious cult entirely unrelated to Islam.

Biden: No, Howard. I’m sorry to say that they were self-proclaimed muslims.

Obama (buzzes): Not a muslim.

Biden: I’m sorry, Barack, but you buzzed in too late, and I already said the correct answer was muslim. So, if each of you would please remove one of the veils from the jiggling and gyrating Ms. Dunham, one for each of you. That’s it.  My, oh my. I’m thinking the burka is a better and better idea the longer this game goes on. Only five veils left. Next question. Muslim or not a muslim? The muslim terrorists that flew planes into the World Trade Center.

Dean (buzzes): I know. I know. I’m pretty sure they were Texans and Jews. Not a muslim.

Biden: Oh, I’m sorry. The correct answer was muslim.

Dean: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Biden: So that is one more veil for you, leaving only four, and now I’m even sorrier. A bag is just not enough.  Someone, please get the next one right.

Obama (shaking his buzzer): Racism!

Biden: You didn’t buzz in, and you are too late again anyway, Barack. And, I’m sorry, but racism isn’t always the answer.

Obama: But he is a white devil. These questions are culturally biased.

Biden: Whatever. Get ready for the next question. Here it comes. Muslim or not muslim? The muslim Boston Marathon bombers.

Dean (buzzes): I got this one.  Not a muslim.  They are about as muslim as I am.

Biden: Oh, wrong again. One more veil for you.

Dean: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Biden: Don’t worry, Howard. It’s a 50/50 chance. You’ll get one eventually.

Obama (chewing on his buzzer): I don’t think my buzzer is working.

Biden: No, you push it. You push the button to buzz in. We went over this in practice. We do not put the buzzer in our mouth. That’s right. Take it out. Push it.

Obama (buzzes): Bill Ayers!

Biden: A terrorist but not a muslim. But that was not the question.

Obama: But I want a veil.

Biden: Fine. It was a wrong answer. Take a veil. Only two veils left, and Barack maintains a small lead. This next question could decide it all. OK. Muslim or not a muslim? Gandhi.

Dean (buzzes): Oh, anytime I think of Gandhi, I think of peace. Definitely muslim.

Biden: And you are correct. No, wait. My producer is talking into my earpiece. Turns out Gandhi was not a muslim after all. Gandhi was in fact Ben Kingsley. Wow, that was surprising.  I guess this just goes to show that sometimes even the host can get it wrong. And that is one more veil for Howard. And with no veils remaining, that is the game. Howard is the infidel and Barack the victor.

Obama: But there is still one veil left.

Biden: No there isn’t.

Obama: Yes there is. I can see it right there, waving around seductively in that undulating sea of cellulite.

Biden: Trust me, you do not want to remove that last veil. One veil? Zero veils? It’s still more accurate than your jobs numbers.

Obama: Ok, ok.

Biden: Missy, bring out his prize and hold Howard down good and tight.

Dean: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

Biden: Oh, hush you.  You signed the waiver.  You knew what you were getting into.  No, Missy, that isn’t going to hold him steady at all.  Here, let me help. How about I just wrap my arms around your waist and nuzzle your ear a bit. My, your hair smells so good.  Is that Juicy Fruit or Fruit Stripe I smell?  It’s so close I can almost taste it on your breath.  There, that should help keep him down. Ok, Barack. Do the honors. Oh my, well this is a first. Barack has accidentally beheaded himself. That’s all for this show. Until next week, this is President Biden signing out. (whispering) Missy, you know I’m in the need for an intern for the summer. When does your junior high let out?