(Submitted by Anonymiss of Nuking Politics [High Praise!])

At the end of “The Princess Bride”, when Fred Savage asks Peter Falk to come back and read it again tomorrow, Peter has a little twinkle in his eye and replies “As you wish.”

Theory: he’s the last Dread Pirate Roberts and he’ll give the mask to his grandson tomorrow.

Origin of this theory.

AP – The USDA recently announced that its new nutrition guidelines will not only consider the nutritional value of its recommended diet but its environmental impact as well. Consumption of beef will be considered bad because raising cattle is considered worse for the environment than raising pigs and chickens, for instance. Insiders within the USDA indicate that this recommendation is only a first step towards eventually switching over to a diet that is 100% environmentally friendly.

Dweezil Moonchild, an insider whom we lied to about protecting her anonymity, had the following to say, “It is an exciting time for our Mother Earth. At last we are beginning to take measures to protect Her from the ravages of human blight. The immoral imprisonment of livestock for consumption is just the first step. Nonorganic farming is poison, destroying the land and ourselves, but organic farming is no panacea. Organic farming has a huge carbon footprint compared to nonorganic farming, and it is grossly inefficient and harmful to our Mother. Any time we humans raise our hoes to the soil, we do violence to our Mother. We are raping our Mother. That should not be. Our Mother will bring forth in abundance if we will just allow her. I am currently drafting the next generation of nutritional guidelines that will require us to eschew cultivated foods for food that is purely gathered from our Mother herself. ”

John Mackey, co-founder and co-CEO of Whole Foods has commented on this trend. He said, “We at Whole Foods have always been cognizant of both good nutrition and a clean environment. In anticipation of these future recommendations, we will not only be providing our healthy organic food line, but we will be adding a healthy and environmentally friendly line of gathered food as well. This line will not include any foods that are intentionally cultivated. It will only include foods that are naturally gathered. They will be hand gathered by our cadre of trained squirrels, primates and primitives imported from Brazil or other jungles. Top notch, natural gatherers. To keep the environmental impact low, gathered food will not be tainted by travel using any modern vehicles. Across land, they will be carried by backpacks woven from hemp, and across sea, the food will be lovingly and capably transported by African swallows. When appropriate, they will grip the food by the husk. The price for this food, of course, will naturally skyrocket. We will need to pay more for our arugula, but can we really put a price on our health and the environment?”

When asked how he thought it would be logistically possible to feed the whole world through food gathering, Dweezil replied, “Admittedly, there will be some growing pains, and it might take a while for everything to equilibrate, but we have to put our trust in our Mother. In the short run, the new food pyramid will rest upon the firm foundation of cannibalism. Since all meat is murder anyway, and there will be no shortage of starving humans, who are a pox upon the earth, there should be plenty to eat until the population settles into a nice sustainable level.  We elect who remain can then live in harmony on our garden, paradise earth. Gaia be praised.”