(Somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: You are probably wondering why I have gathered you all together. ISIS Corporate is requiring we all undergo “How to Prevent a Hostile Work Environment” training. It’s a legal thing. We have to do it. I’ll try and make this as quick and painless as possible.

Galid: Wait a minute. I’m confused. You give us these guns and tell us to pillage. Are we not supposed to be hostile?

All (murmuring, and nodding yes)

Corporate HR Imam: I know this may be difficult to understand, but a hostile working environment often has nothing to do with hostility whatsoever.

Ali: So are we supposed to be hostile or not?

Ahmed: I do not think the villagers would fear us if we did not behave with the utmost hostility.

Corporate HR Imam: That is not what I am talking about. Of course you must be hostile while you rape and pillage. It is about how we treat each other. It is about creating an environment in the workplace where everyone can always feel emotionally safe and secure.

Ahmed: Is that not why we have guards and guns?

Ali: And anti-tank weapons and Stingers, Allah be praised?

Galid: I’m still confused.

Corporate HR Imam: Let me try and explain. A safe and secure work environment is one in which no one ever says or does or portrays anything that anyone else might consider offensive in any way. Does that make sense?

(silence)

Corporate HR Imam: Can anyone think of an example of something that others might find offensive?

Galid: Cartoons insulting the Prophet!

All (shooting into the air and ululating)

Corporate HR Imam: Yes. Good. I can see how some people might find that offensive. So if we encountered something like that in the workplace, what should we do?

All (shooting and ululating): Behead those who insult the Prophet! Death to the enemies of Allah!

Corporate HR Imam: I can see how we might want to react in that way. But if we see something offensive in the workplace, the correct thing to do would be to bring it up to your immediate superior or HR representative, and after a thorough investigation, we will behead the offenders. Can anyone think of some more examples of things that may be offensive?

Ali: Americans!

Ahmed: Jews!

Galid: BLTs!

Ali: Flatulence!

Habib: Hairy men who refuse to wax themselves!

Galid: Homosexuals!

Habib: Oh, yeah. That was what I meant. Homosexuals!

Ali: Freedom!

Habib: Woman suffrage!

Galid: What?  Why are we to be offended by the suffering of women?  I do not understand this.

Habib: No, no.  Not woman suffering.  Woman suffrage.  It is when women cause you to suffer.

Corporate HR Imam: Yes. Good. All very offensive things. I’m glad you brought up women. Apparently we have been receiving a lot of complaints and bad coverage in the press about the way we have been treating women. I’ve been instructed to address sexual harassment specifically.

Habib: Who has been complaining? Show me to these woman. Where Habib is concerned, no woman would complain. Line them up. I will satisfy them all. Those rumors are false. 72 virgins are not enough for me. They are but an appetizer to the great feast that is Habib.

Corporate HR Imam: That’s not what I meant. Sexual harassment has nothing to do about your performance. It has to do with doing or saying things in the workplace that make others feel uncomfortable in a sexual way.

Galid: You mean like we should use pillows instead of the hard ground?

Habib: Or I could wear kneepads.

Corporate HR Imam: No. It has nothing to do with physical comfort. It is about making them ‘feel’ uncomfortable. Can anyone give me an example of sexual harassment?

Ahmed: Me! Me! I know. When you are making sweet, sweet love to your lady friend and some guy tries to lure it away with a big juicy carrot.

Corporate HR Imam: Annoying, yes. But not what I am looking for.

Habib: Oh! I have one, Allah be praised.  This happened to me.  When you are in the airport x-ray machine and all the TSA agents loudly point and jeer at you.

Corporate HR Imam: Well, yes, actually. That is a correct example. I would have also accepted when a fat broad does not wear a burka. Now why is that harassment? What is wrong about that behavior?

Habib (ululating ragefully and firing gun into sky): It is wrong because I was longing for the sweet, sweet touch of the cavity search. Death to the infidel TSA! Death to the USA! Death to the friendly skies!

Corporate HR Imam: No, that is not what I was getting at.

Habib: But it has been so long since I have felt like a real woman.

Corporate HR Imam: Huh? What?

Habib: I mean, death to the homosexual!

Corporate HR Imam:  No, you are not getting it.  It is wrong because they were making fun of you in a sexual manner, and it made you feel uncomfortable and maybe a little violated.

Habib: Violated? I wish. Uncomfortable? You bet. The unfulfilled promise of a strip search? Spent the whole flight squirming in my seat, Allah spit upon them. Once I finally landed I had to sneak into a bathhouse…um, no.  Not a bathhouse. I mean a petting zoo.

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, this is getting us nowhere. Let’s try another example. Here, let’s watch this video and then discuss what was inappropriate about the behavior of the people in the video. (starts video)

(TV Screen shows two women in a break room refilling their coffee mugs)

Margaret: Wow, Julie! Is that a new dress? It really shows off your figure. You look really sexy. I’d like to see that dress on my bedroom floor.

Julie (looks at Margaret uncomfortably): Thanks, I guess…

Ali (to the TV screen, drooling): I have seen the ankle of the infidel. What are those mounds on her chest, like the decapitated heads of two bald men peeping out at me?

Ahmed: Back away! She is mine! I saw her first! (rushes toward TV fumbling with his belt)

Habib: No, no, no. Wait. Was that woman dressed like a lumberjack hitting on that other woman in the sexy dress? What is this unholy filth you are causing us to view, Allah curse it?

Galid: Stone her! (throwing stone at TV)

Corporate HR Imam: No, no. It is only a video.

Ali: That never stopped us before. Stone it! Stone it!

All (chanting): Stone it! Stone it! Stone it! (hurl stones at it until the TV is obliterated)

Corporate HR Imam: That was our only television!  We’re in the freaking desert you idiots!  The IT guy is gonna whip me again.

Habib: Can I go next?

Corporate HR Imam: OMA! What were you all thinking?

Ahmed: When it comes to following the dictates of Allah, there is no thinking, his blessing and light shine upon us.

Corporate HR Imam: Well, if we can’t watch the video, we’re probably going to have to role play some things. Prepare yourself.

Habib: Can I play Julie?

Corporate HR Imam: You know what? I’m just going to skip to the next section. Let’s talk about another kind of sexual harassment: quid pro quo. Can anyone tell me what quid pro quo harassment is?

(silence)

Corporate HR Imam: Quid pro quo harassment occurs when benefits or advantages in the workplace are offered or withheld based upon whether or not a request for sexual favors is accepted.

Habib: Wait a minute. What is a sexual favor?

Ali: That’s easy. It’s like when you ask the ugly chick to do you a favor and keep her burka on so you can pretend she is someone else.

Corporate HR Imam: No, that’s not really….

Ahmed: Then is it when you loan your bro your goat as a favor?

Corporate HR Imam: No…

Ali: Is it when you use a condom even when you really don’t want to?

Ahmed: Or when your pretty cousin finally says, “Ok, but just this once.”

Habib: Or when she…

Corporate HR Imam: No. Stop guessing and just listen to me. A sexual favor is any kind of sexual interaction that is offered. Doesn’t matter what it is. Any kind of sexual interaction whatsoever. Can anyone think of an example of quid pro quo of harassment?

Ahmed: When you tell the villager that if he lets you ravish his wife and daughters you will not also ravish his sons and chop off his hands.

Corporate HR Imam: Not what I was looking for.

Ali: Oh, I know. I know. It is like when Allah promises martyrs will get 72 virgins.

Corporate HR Imam: No….well, I guess that is kind of like quid pro quo. Martyrs are given sexual favors for a job well done, and if they don’t do the job…..no sweet, sweet virgins.

Ali: And Allah is the most uppermost management there is. Are we not supposed to be walking in the footsteps of Allah?

Galid: I am still confused.

Habib: So we are supposed to sexually harass?

Ahmed: Yes! To the village!

Ali: To the village!

All (run off guns blazing and throats ululating)

Corporate HR Imam: Whatever. I give up. I’ll just forge their training records.