magician for dogs: i will now make this ball disappear *pretends to throw it* *all the dogs go crazy trying to find it*

— kyle (@hippieswordfish) January 26, 2015

"it gets better" -russian police introducing a dog that can detect illegal gambling

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) January 26, 2015

if guns keep you safe then how come the chainsaw massacre happened in Texas?

— Dave Ditell (@davedittell) January 27, 2015

Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy. I LOVE TO EAT CANDY.

— Lord Pinky (@HiddenPinky) January 27, 2015

When I die I hope people will say of me, "That guy had a lot of short cables packed into a drawer for some reason."

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) January 28, 2015

"Man and Superman?" Uh, lemme guess, Superman wins. Cool play, George Bernard Shaw, you idiot.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 28, 2015