(AP) – Sounding much like their Democrat counterparts, GOP Senators Hatch, Inhofe and Thune have been considering raising the federal gasoline tax in the wake of the rapid decline of gas prices nationwide. “With gasoline prices at lows not seen since 2009,” Senator Inhofe has said, “now is the ideal time to raise the tax on gas. People have become accustomed to the higher gas prices and have budgeted for it. Now that the prices have dropped, they can afford to pay their fair share to upkeep our nation’s highway system.”
“Nothing is off the table,” Senator Hatch commented. “I don’t know why anyone would complain about this. The American citizens didn’t do anything to drive down the price of gasoline. They did nothing to earn this sudden windfall of money. Is it really too much to ask them to give back some of this undeserved cash? I can’t believe Americans are that selfish.”
Senator Thune, however, felt that raising the tax on gasoline didn’t go far enough. “There are many occasions when the American public benefits economically without warrant. When they head over to Super Target or Smith’s Marketplace to stock up during their annual case lot sale, they are getting quite the bargain and are saving quite a bit of money. They did nothing to earn this savings. Isn’t it just to expect them to spread these savings around for the greater good? That is why I am proposing that all such undeserved income be considered windfall profits and be taxed appropriately. I propose that anytime someone pays less than the MSRP for any product, those savings will be considered windfall gains and taxed at 75%. The citizen gets to keep 25%of this unearned income, so what do they have to complain about? Savings from coupons will also be taxed at 75% except for on double-coupon Tuesday when the extra savings will be taxed at 90%. Kohl’s cash, being illegal currency in my opinion, will be justly confiscated and turned over to the congressmen’s wives and mistresses for disposal.”
When Speaker of the House John Boehner was asked his opinion about this, he merely said, “We have to pay for President Obama’s executive amnesty somehow. Illegal immigrants can’t be expected to pay for themselves. In addition, it is anticipated the oversight of these new taxes would create on the order of 10,000 jobs in the IRS, and in this economy, we need all the jobs we can get. If the CBO calculations are correct, these new taxes will almost cover the salaries of these new federal employees (not counting benefits, of course), and those are the kind of budget numbers I can stand behind. It would likely also require that all retailers hire additional accountants and software/capital equipment to comply with collecting these new taxes, and that would cost the government nothing, and that’s a win in my book.”
When asked to comment, Rand Paul merely shook his head forlornly and tossed Hatch, Inhofe and Thune into the Boston Harbor.
Good satire. But for some reason it reminded me of something that was actually leaked early in the Clinton administration. Supposedly, the Clinton administration, while trying to figure out how to raise taxes, discussed charging income tax for the rental income you could be making if you were renting out your house instead of living in it. Made me wonder “why stop there?” What about the rental income I could be making if I rented out my car, furniture, boat, clothing, etc.? Personally, I think the leak was just intended to make the income tax increase we actually got look sensible in comparison.
Why stop there? Why not the money we would make prostituting ourselves? Now some might make more than others but…
@2 Prostitutes are safe. Prostitutes and politicians are too similar and mutually entwined. Birds of a feather and all that…and the birds and the bees.
If this goes through, I’m in big trouble 🙂
@4 So what else is new?
When Speaker of the House John Boehner was asked his opinion about this, he merely said, “I’m much more concerned about my ability to go to my favorite country club and order a glass of wine without having to worry about some malcontent crazy ass bartender poisoning it! I mean what kind of country is this when the Speaker of the House can’t get a drink without having to worry about being poisoned? It almost brings tears to my eyes.” Oddly enough former Speaker Pelosi completely agreed with him.
The price of a commodity goes down, and so the resulting savings from purchasing that commodity at a lower price is now being called “unearned income?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” And by a Republican?!?!?!?!? When did this become bizzaro-world?
@7 Well, in all fairness, I did make that part up. But I was annoyed that they were even considering raising the gas tax. The gas tax was instituted during the Eisenhower administration to to build and repair highways. That was all! But they’ve been using it for hiking trails and old rail lines and mass transit projects and a bunch of boondoggles like that Big Dig in Boston, instead of building and repairing highways. Instead of raising our taxes, lets stop using the money for crap it wasn’t intended for first.
How bad would it be if all taxes lasted only for the length of the Congress that voted them in? If the next Congress still wants them they must re-approve them.
#9 – walruskkkch,
You sir, are a Genius!
Honey Glazed, Pepper Rubbed, Smoked Bacon for you!
…it seems to me that since the gas tax is per gallon, not a percentage of the price….that when the price goes down….people will buy more and thus…. ok, that’s just crazy talk, never mind.
… Oh, and Bacon for Lactose as well.
This satire reminds me of those ‘News Fakery’ posts we used to see here, before the real news became too unbelievable to distinguish from parody.