Maddow: What we have for you right now is an MSNBC exclusive. You won’t hear this anywhere else.

Matthews: My thigh’s tingling already. This is a really exciting find, folks.

Maddow: Right you are. Very exciting. Our sources have managed to get their hands on a tape recording of a meeting among some top level Al Qaeda terrorists. We have a whistleblower in the State Department who leaked us this tape. The Obama administration is livid. They have been pressuring us and threatening us not to air this recording, but you know us. We don’t let anyone in this administration push us around.

Matthews: You got that right. We’re nobody’s lapdogs.

Maddow: Absolutely. No matter how much the public pressured us, we did not cave and show the Charlie Hebdo cartoons. We kept our heads about it and our integrity.  Now, we have the source of the tape in the studio with us today. He has…

Matthews: Or she.

Maddow: Yes, or she, has agreed to speak to us about this tonight anonymously. His or her face will be blurred, and his or her voice will be disguised to protect his or her anonymity. Welcome to the studio today.

Kerry: Glad to be here.

Matthews: So, Secretary of State Kerry, how did you come by this tape we are about to hear?

Kerry: It came to me in the mail. It was postmarked Washington DC, so I suspect it came from one of our local spies. It was clearly encrypted, and it was beyond the ability of our code breakers to crack.  So I took it straight to the President.  He took one look at it, rushed to the White House basement and proceeded to build a Turing Machine which decoded the tape, translating it first to Arabic and then to English so I could understand it as well.  We’ve had it authenticated, and it does appear to be a genuine record of part of a meeting of top level terrorists that, based upon the context, appear to have been involved in planning the Charlie Hebdo attack along with many, many others.

Maddow: Interesting. Interesting.

Matthews: Truly fascinating. Look at my leg. I can’t control it. Quick, play the tape before I swoon.

Kerry: Now, I want to emphasize that the administration feels this tape should be classified, and it contains information the President doesn’t want the public to know about, but I feel that this really isn’t a secret we should be keeping. That’s why I am defying him and going out on a limb and bringing this to you anonymously this evening.

Matthews: You are a true patriot, sir. You were a patriot when you served on the Swift Boats in Vietnam, and you are a patriot today.

Maddow: Well, let’s just play the tape. It has been translated into English so we can all understand it. I believe the characters in the piece are voiced by Matt Damon, Pee Wee Herman and Gilbert Gottfried in the roles of Mohammad 1, Mohammad 2 and Mohammad 3, respectively. Roll the tape.

Mohammad 1: What, he didn’t show up to the rally?  Un-freaking-believable.  OMA, what is it going to take to outfox this weasel?

Mohammad 2: Seriously. We plan the entire Charlie Hebdo attack expressly to lure that devil Obama out into the open.

Mohammad 1: Lure him to the inevitable rally of world leaders so we could take advantage of the cowardly and incompetent French security team and destroy that wily bastard Obama once and for all.

Mohammad 2: Yes, yes. It was perfect. So perfect even the rocks were prepared to call out to us, “Quick, Obama is hiding behind me. Come and kill him.” An easy kill, like a scimitar through the vertebrae of a Jew.

Mohammad 3: But where was he? He was not there.

Mohammad 2: How did he know not to show up? He is as omniscient as he is beautiful. Truly he has learned much at the madrassa as a child.

Mohammad 1: Yes, he knows our ways better than we know them ourselves.

Mohammad 2: But at least the attack on America will leave them reeling.

Mohammad 3: What? Have you not heard?

Mohammad 1: Alas, but there is more.

Mohammad 2: What?

Mohammad 3: Instead of going to Paris at the rally…

Mohammad 2: No. He didn’t. Tell me my fears are not so.

Mohammad 3: He went to the NFL division championships.

Mohammad 1:  Where we had the attack planned?

Mohammad 2: How did he know? Surely our brothers he released from GITMO who have returned to us could not be his spies. I won’t believe it. So how does he always know what we are planning?

Mohammad 3: We do not know.  His ways are as mysterious to us as are the ways of Allah.  But he thwarted the attack.  He found and deactivated the bombs.  Our operatives were able to tell us that much before…

Mohammad 2: Where are the operatives?

Mohammad 1: No one knows.  All we know for sure is the bombs didn’t go off, and we have heard nothing else from our agents.  Mohammads 4-13 are out of touch.  We have to assume they were captured.

Mohammad 2: By Mohammad’s beard!

Mohammad 1: We have to believe he will get them to talk. We’ll need to scrap all our plans and start over.

Mohammad 3: Of course he got them to talk. That chocolate skin, those smooth brown eyes, that velvet voice so full of hope it could charm young Aisha from the loving arms of the Prophet himself. Who could resist telling him everything?

Mohammad 2: Alas, he speaks with the silver tongue of Satan himself. We are powerless against his charms.  Thank Allah he is an infidel, for were he to enter paradise, our virgins would abandon us all.

Mohammad 1: And just like with all the other attacks he thwarted single handedly, he was too modest to even let the attempted attack be reported in the press. Just like with all the other attacks we have attempted under his watch.  All those bombs we placed in Martha’s Vineyard…

Mohammad 3: And Hawaii.

Mohammad 1: And those fundraisers in Hollywood.

Mohammad 3: And Las Vegas.

Mohammad 1: And those attacks upon the heart of America.

Mohammad 3: On the great, green symbol of evil.

Mohammad 1: On the manicured lawns of the Great Satan himself.

Mohammad 3: Yes, our attacks on the golf courses of America. Armed with nothing but a golf cart and a set of clubs, he thwarted them all without a peep.  Sometimes as many as two or three plots a week.

Mohammad 2: I cannot believe it. He is always two steps, no three steps, no a horizon of steps ahead of us. I do not want to believe it is our GITMO brothers, but…..But what of the most recent attack. The one at the golf course in Hawaii. The one with the fake wedding party we could blow up and blame their deaths on the drones. Tell me that one succeeded.

Mohammad 1: Thwarted as well.

Mohammad 2 (keening)

Mohammad 3: He even deactivated the flower girl’s back up bomb before the dress rehearsal even started.

Mohammad 1: Not even the great devil George Bush has caused us such pain and humiliation. Surely this man in the White House is no man. The man is a devil……and an Adonis. Selflessly serving. He is too true and humble to take credit.  It is much too important to let the Americans think that we are not a threat at all. Does a devil act thus? I hate him, yet my heart wishes to submit.

Mohammad 2: No, you must not speak such things.

Mohammad 1: No. He is right. We have no chance against this mastermind! This beautiful, scintillating mastermind. Surely, Dar al Islam is dwarfed by the magnificence of Dar al Obama.

Mohammad 3: I give up.  I am a Christian now.

Mohammad 1: Me too.

Mohammad 2: Very well. I too now see that he is indeed the One. Let us sneak across the border and take advantage of the amnesty.  We can sell used cars or maybe open a falafel truck.

Mohammad 3 (singing): Onward Christian Soldiers marching as to war…..

Mohammad 2: Maybe we could bomb some abortion clinics. I’d hate to think all those years of sodomy were a waste.

(Tape ends)

Maddow: Wow.  Just wow. With dialog that bad, you know it has to be real.  George Lucas’ protégé couldn’t pen a more stilted exchange.

Matthews (tingling too hard to speak)

Kerry:  I think is it even more powerful when you hear it the native tongue.  Let me just read a little of it in Arabic.  ‘Y-bay, Ohammad’s-may eard-bay.  Y-bay, Ohammad’s-may eard-bay.’

Matthews (screeching)

Maddow (cringing): Never before has that dark tongue rung within these hallowed halls.

Kerry: I do not apologize.  Were it not for Obama, you would hear it from sea to shining sea and over purple mountains majesty. It is so chilling.  While I was visiting Fallujah during the war, I recall hearing those same words chanted by mobs.  It is seared….seared into my memory.

Maddow: I think this just goes to show how effective this administration has been preventing terror at home and abroad.  But I don’t really understand why Obama doesn’t want this to get out.

Kerry: Obama isn’t a lover of violence.  He doesn’t want his legacy to be that of a warrior but as a peacemaker and a unifier.  The work he does, as unpalatable as it may be to him, he does selflessly out of love. He wants no recognition or award.

Maddow: Truly a great, great man.  And it also just goes to prove the point I have been espousing for years.  When you fight terror, you just create more Christian terrorists. But that will be a topic for another show once we have digested all this.  And now it is time for a word from our sponsor.  After the break, we have the follow up to the story about the bartender, probably a Christian, who plotted to poison John Boehner’s drink.  He is in the studio with us where he will share his research about where GOP congressmen hang out to unwind and what poisons mix undetectably with which alcoholic beverages served there.  Stay tuned.