President Obama made the following proclamation deep within the sand trap of the 13^th hole:

“The Oxford University Press has taken a bold step forward today that I think we should emulate here at home. They have warned their authors not to mention pigs or pork in their books to avoid offending muslims. At last the voice of reason is prevailing. The OUP has understood the folly inherent in plunging ones hands deep into the den of an asp. Can one blame the asp for biting the hands thus thrust? The nature of the asp is known and will not change. The asp wants only peace, yet we keep jabbing it with a pointed stick.  Taking steps such as those the OUP is suggesting are the simplest way for our government to satisfy the constitutional mandate to provide for the common defence against attacks by these peaceful followers of the Prophet.  Therefore, by executive order I am mandating the following:

• All books mentioning pork or anything else that may offend a muslim will be banned or edited to be inoffensive.
• All pork related products such as lard, sausage, pork chops, ham, bacon and all products that may appear porcine, such as turkey bacon, turkey hot dogs or Lena Dunham, will be banned.
• Bibles within churches or homes will be replaced with an inoffensive copy of the Quran. Since all religions teach the same thing, hardly anyone will even notice.
• Non-muslim churches will lose their tax exempt status.
• All episodes of Girls will be digitally enhanced to add burkas as necessary.
• Common Core education curriculum will now include an in depth study of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion.
• The season finale to The Affair will be reshot to include the stoning scene.
• Regardless of their religious beliefs or affiliations, crane operators will not be allowed to refuse to participate during the after-hangings at gay weddings.
• Obamacare will be amended to require all health plans to cover the mandatory female circumcision.
• Women admitting to being raped on campus without three additional eyewitnesses will be stoned.
• Women admitting to being raped on campus with three additional eyewitnesses will be stoned, and the rapist will receive a demerit.
• Matt Stone and Trey Parker will be beheaded for Team America and South Park and for briefly considering Quran the Musical.
• Ramadan will now end officially each year with the federally observed Running of the Jews.
• New 1040 forms will include a box for filers to indicate whether they would like to submit to Allah.
• Courts will be instructed to accept the new Honor Killing defense.
• All smartphones are now required to come with the Call to Prayer ap hard coded into the operating system. Five times a day the ap will play the call to prayer and administer an electrical shock sufficient to bring even the hardiest infidel to his knees.
• Legal marriage age will be reduced to 6.

I firmly believe that taking these steps will greatly assist the religion of peace to live up to its peaceful reputation, Allah willing. So let it be written. So let it be done.”