Since we all know that terrorism is about US foreign policy and nothing else, the attacks in Canada are quite baffling.  What could be the explanation?  I’m pretty sure the real reason is some combination of these:

• To artificially inflate maple syrup prices. The Prime Minister and Big Maple are ultimately behind it.
• If I hear someone say ‘aboot’ one more time, I might snap too.
• The mullets made them do it.
• The border between Canada and the US was so porous it appeared invisible, and the terrorists thought they were in America.
• Canadian beards don’t give off that ‘insane and fanatical’ vibe they jihadiss are looking for.
• ‘Hoser’ means something very different in Arabic.
• The Lumberjack Song violated the Quran.
• The South Park Movie finally made it to Syria, and the terrorists thought it was a documentary.
• Due to an autocorrect error, ISIS ended up texting all its members to read The Protocols of the Elders of Ottawa.
• They got mad when they took their daughters down to the government health clinic only to find that female genital mutilation wasn’t covered in Canada.
• Due to a typographical error, an e-mail sent to all ISIS cells called for death to the Yews.
• They were too scared to come to America to attack due to the way the Obama administration has bungled that whole ebola thing.
• Despite Canada’s liberal marriage laws, the jihadis were still forbidden from wedding their goats.
• They meant to target America, but their maps were as medieval as their world view.
• It was righteous vengeance for the unholy thrashing the Canadians meted out to the Turkish hockey team.
• It was just recompense for Canada’s interference during the Iran Hostage Crisis.
• It was just recompense for Celine Dion and Sarah Maclachlan.