WIFE: He gets upset about ridiculous things THERAPIST: Well perhaps– ME [throws glass pitcher against the wall]: CARPET IS HOUSE GRASS

— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) October 21, 2014

The 1950s were horrifyingly conformist. And if you don't agree with this, you will be reported to the Associate Dean for Thoughtcrimes.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) October 22, 2014

Me:I hate going to the dentist *4 out of 5 dentists burst into the room YEAH WELL WE HATE U TOO *5th dentist saunters in* "I kinda like him"

— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) October 22, 2014

Throwing a colleague under the bus may be ethically dubious, but it takes admirable physical skill.

— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) October 22, 2014

Really hassled at mall today. Recognized by everyone. Most wanted to know where to get "Wheel" t-shirt I was wearing.

— Pat Sajak (@patsajak) October 22, 2014

God was exhausted after he made a 24-hour period of time, based on the earth's rotation on its axis. "Phew, gonna call it a day," God said.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 22, 2014

[Ouija Board] "Is anyone out there?" B U Y M O R E O U I J A B O A R D S

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 22, 2014

The new avengers trailer raises an important question: is there a single example of hulk buster armor ever busting the hulk?

— Adam Serwer (@AdamSerwer) October 23, 2014