Archive of entries posted on 14th October 2014

Promoted Comment: Mandated Government Programs

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[High Praise! to blarg]

The government wheelchair program (to make getting around easier):

1) offer wheelchairs to the public
2) realize that there isn’t enough demand because people can walk, so start a new program to break citizen’s legs
3) raise taxes by far more than the cost of the wheelchair to pay for the wheelchairs of those that can’t be taxed enough to pay for theirs
4) realize that nobody can get around because there’s not enough wheelchair ramps
5) mandate that everyone make everything wheelchair-accessible at their own expense
6) realize that there are too many wheelchairs causing congestion because wheelchairs are harder to maneuver than walking
7) create a new program to counsel people that require a lot of mobility that perhaps it would be better for everyone involved if they just stayed home and starved to death
8) remind you how lucky you are to have such a caring and compassionate government to make the world more wheelchair-accessible and how without it, you’d be stuck in a ditch with your wheels rusting off.

Wisdom of the Day: Strength Palin Dreams Horror Apples Fire Horses Genders

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How Obama is Secretly Battling Ebola

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  • To contain the outbreak, he is secretly transporting all ebola patients to Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas…..
  • Consulting with Dustin Hoffman and Morgan Freeman, but not Rene Russo
  • Decreeing America an Ebola-Free Zone
  • Lots of healing crystals and homeopathic solutions
  • Reorganizing all affected communities
  • By executive order, Obamacare now covers Airborne®
  • Blaming Bush
  • Reassuring Americans that the ebola virus is not viral, and that 99% of global viruses do not align themselves with the goals and methods of ebola
  • Judiciously updating his anti-viral software
  • Developing a vaccine from his own superior white blood cells
  • Telling the IRS that ebola is a member of the Tea Party
  • Scolding the virus for its history of afflicting a disproportionate number of black people
  • Instituting an affirmative action and bussing program for the virus granting its carriers access to more affluent white countries, states and neighborhoods
  • Adding the virus to the Endangered Species List
  • Smacking Chris Brown upside the head for spilling the beans about the population control program
  • Reminding Americans that ebola is a poor, repressed, misunderstood virus that only hates us becuase of our foreign policy
  • Sending Joe to Africa with a dust mask, some chains and lots of confiscated and expired Robitussin
  • Cowering in his bunker with a bubble and a year’s supply of vitamin C

(Full disclosure of his efforts will be revealed after the November elections)

Random Thoughts: Wendy Davis, Book Cover, and Upcoming Election

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It’s no fun being tolerant if there isn’t someone intolerant to feel superior to.

Good solution for low information voters: Have voting booths where you push buttons and cool things light but no vote is recorded.

*tosses birth control at a woman’s face*
“There you go, honey. Vote Democrat.”

On level 606 of Candy Crush, things really get interesting.

Why we only see negative ads in politics? “No one wants to get burgers from some John Wayne Gacy-inspired clown. Paid for by Burger King.”

“Wendy Davis will always stand up for victims. Unless they’re in a wheelchair. Or if they’re a baby.”

“Wendy Davis wears pink tennis shoes. Greg Abbott doesn’t even need shoes because he can’t walk. Vote Wendy Davis.”

“A tree would never attack Wendy Davis because she’s friends with the environment. Vote Wendy Davis.”

“Greg Abbott is confined to a wheelchair, much like the villain from X-Men, Mag-Neato. Vote Wendy Davis.”

“Do we really want someone who will refuse to stand to take the oath of office? Vote Wendy Davis.”

Didn’t know I got sent this, but here is the finals for my book cover.

My book should be in bookstores on Nov. 11th. If your bookstore doesn’t have it, ask them what the hell is wrong with them. “This is exactly why Amazon is shutting all you guys down.”

With a full-time writing job lined up and a book coming out in bookstores, I’m about ready to call myself a professional writer.

The most frustrating thing about people who rant against religion is that they think they don’t have one.

I think it would be fun to have a coffee mug that says “Not A Very Good Father.”
“My kids got me it!”

Anyone have any idea what this outlet is for? Our house built in late 70s has two of them.

Getting house ready to sell and am replacing beige outlets. Why would anyone choose beige? “I want everything to be the color of sadness.”

Okay. Googled “unknown wall outlet” and I think it may be for a connection to a rooftop TV antenna.

Wendy Davis
CONS: A nut. Not very bright.
PROS: Pink tennis shoes.

I think the reason most people look on abortion as a bad thing is that most people aren’t sociopaths.

If you want to talk about abortion as a good thing that should be celebrated, definitely avoid talking about the actual mechanics of it.

The reason people are repelled by abortions is it involves violently ripping apart a tiny human. Society will never get past that.

It would be cool if they did a biopic of Nic Cage. My idea for stunt casting for the lead: Nic Cage.

Really thrilled to see some Democrats get defeated this November. Kinda meh on seeing Republicans get elected, though.

If everything goes to plan, I’ll be moving from ID to TX week before election. Doesn’t seem proper to vote in either state.