(AP) – The Obama administration has issued a Christmas Day terror alert based upon the report of one of their deep cover agents. A recently extracted Verne Troyer has spent nearly a year in deep cover within the bowels of the terrorist organization. What he has to report is shocking.
“It’s like a cult,” Verne said of the fat man’s followers. “Mindless zombies. North Pole? More like North Korea. I haven’t seen such absolute devotion to a pseudo-deity since Kim Jong Un. If Sony knew what was going on up here, they’d never dare to release another Christmas movie ever again. There are posters and statues of the big man all over, usually with the caption: “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake.” Talk about creepy. I suspect they are all brainwashed. They would have to be to follow that guy. I mean, Fidel’s beard combined with Chinese red. He’ s an unholy union of some kind.
“And the working conditions are abysmal. They are slaves, really. Work all day for no pay. Nothing but candy and cookies to eat, yet they are denied access to a dental plan or to a dentist at all, really. It’s insidious. And they are always singing, singing, singing. Happy, happy, happy. I don’t know what he has done to them, but it is sick.”
Verne was not only deeply concerned about the working conditions he uncovered but was troubled about the workings of the whole enterprise as well. “They don’t give a lick about intellectual property there at all. They’re worse than the Chinese. Hasbro, Mattel, Nintendo. They don’t care who owns the right to the toy, they’ll make and distribute their cheap knockoffs with no concern about international patent laws. I suspect that is why he relocated his enterprise to the North Pole to begin with, well outside the oversight of any regulations at all. And where does he get the money for all the raw materials? He has no income at all as far as I could tell, but his warehouses are always full. I suspect he gets his funding through an elaborate network of Christian fundamentalists, possibly the Salvation Army. Whenever you toss your change in that black kettle, you might be feeding this nightmare.”
But what has the Department of Defense on high alert is the fiendish plot Verne uncovered while he was within the belly of the beast. “I’ve learned that on Christmas Eve, that big red terrorist is going to break into every house in America and leave hundreds, maybe even thousands, of dollars worth of toys in each one. This is an act of economic terror, plain and simple. Flooding the nation with billions of dollars worth of free goods will cause a collapse of the toy industry, and the panic will surely spread across other sectors of the economy. This man has only one aim in site, the collapse of the free market and his own personal deification. He’s preparing an entire generation of children to worship him. His influence has spread to the point that it is rumored that many children are even leaving him offerings. Mall security camera footage is filled with meetings of these prepubescent sleepers and their master, often with tears of rapture streaming down their plump, rosy cheeks. Can violent overthrow and theocracy not be far behind?”
Chuck Hagel had this to say about the government’s response to this pending threat. “This man clearly has no respect for our borders or air space. If he were Santa Anna Claus, we would welcome him with open arms, but he is not. Our air force is on high alert, but our forces are not tested against this villain’s singular technology. Our agent reports the enemy possesses reindeer that can speak and fly, and at least one has a bright, shiny nose. And we suspect they may possess laser or perhaps nuclear capabilities as well, and it is almost certain his sleigh flies below radar coverage. Despite Verne’s best efforts, Santa’s capabilities are not fully known, but analysts are working hard to develop a counter strategy.”
The Department of Agriculture also expressed concerns about the coming threat. Tom Vilsack had the following to say. “Those reindeer are genetically modified organisms, straight up. Frankenbeasts! Without government oversight, it is hard to say exactly what he has made here or their potential hazards to the environment. I am especially concerned that those reindeer may get a little randy and start spreading their seed about. It’s quite possible we are facing a Rise of the Planet of the Reindeer situation.”
But how should we respond to this threat? Vice President Biden is encouraging that we take the following precautions. “Get your shot gun ready, build a roaring fire in the fireplace, don’t fall asleep and wait. If you hear anything suspicious, shoot through the door.”