Time again for Ask IMAO Anything, where you can, um, Ask IMAO Anything. The concept is in the title, so, you know, you don’t really need me to explain it. But I’ve never let that stop me.

You ask a question, and either one of the other Moon Nukers will provide an answer, or we will in a future post. Or, you can email us at Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com

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cayleygraph2015: Has the stray mouse whose click screwed up the previous “Ask IMAO” posting been disciplined?

He was a naughty naughty mouse. Good mouse at heart, but he had to learn his lesson. We’re all about some tough love at IMAO.

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walruskkkch: and can you please supply a video of the discipline. Asking for a friend.

Sure. Here you go.

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Christopher: There is a monkey on my property in Indiana, is it here to kill me? Will Frank come over to kill it? Or is he too busy playing Mario Bros with his kids?

We wondered what happened to Scary Evil Monkey. He’s harmless. Irritating, but harmless. Well, mostly harmless. If you want Frank to get rid of him, just send Frank the standard $25,000 Monkey Removal Fee and he’ll be right over.

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walruskkkch: None that she could use as they were imposed upon her by the Patriarchy and exist to promote male dominance of the world.

I’ll take “Non-sequiturs” for $400, Alex.

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c64wood: What is the first Rock n Roll record?

1949’s Saturday Night Fish Fry by Louis Jordan. Chuck Berry said so. So, yeah, your parents listened to Rock N Roll. You know what else they did to Rock N Roll, right? Mmm-hmm. Now aren’t you glad you asked.

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walruskkkch: If you were a Survivalist, what Would Go in your Bugout Bag ?

Porn.

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Francis: What did they use for the years before year 1AD? For example March 15, 44BC.

Sent from my iPhone

That was the day Julius Caesar was assassinated. Only, the Snap On Tools calendar on his wall said 710, which was based on the founding of the city of Rome. They called it “ab urbe condita” (AUC). The Hebrew calendar was 24th day of Adar in 3717. And don’t get me started on the Chinese calendar. The year was either 2653 or 2593. That’s a 40-year variance. Stuff like that is why the communists were able to take over.

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zzyzx: Why is it that everyone in Hollywood who’s first name is “Seth” is a dipstick?

Ape Law.

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zzyzx: Where did the vandals take the handles?

Out to a Dylan concert.

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cayleygraph2015: What do you do when you see an ally make a true assertion, but justify it with entirely faulty logic?

Nothing at the time. If your opponents are convinced by faulty logic — which is likely anyway, otherwise they wouldn’t take the position they have, right? — then your ally may be able to convince them with his faulty logic. Later, after your opponents are crushed, driven before you, and you hear the lamenations of their women, then — and only then — you can slap him upside the head and call him a dumbass and set him straight.

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Yes, there were more questions submitted, but stuff happened and I didn’t get to them. I’ll make it up to you. Somehow.

Thanks — and bacon! — to the following Moon Nukers who helped with the answers to other questions:

• Happy Fun Ball
• zzyzx
• CLIFFY
• Oppo
• Rihar
• walruskkkch
• Rihar

If you have a question for IMAO, just leave it in the comments and one of the Moon Nukers on the IMAO Crack Answer Squad will help answer. Or, we’ll answer in a future posting. Or, you can email us at Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com.

Ask IMAO Anything. Because we know everything. And are humble to boot. Gosh, it’s great being so awesome!

A new week, a new round of answers for Ask IMAO Anything. And, of course, a big thank you and a plate of bacon to all who helped answer questions submitted Friday. It shows just how smart, awesome, and full of way too much free time many of you are. We do appreciate your helping share your knowledge with the others.

And a huge thanks for those that were patient with us during that little glitch the first hour. We actually had a question submitted about that, which we’ll go over in just a bit.

A reminder that you can submit your question in the comments, or you can email us at Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com and we’ll answer them. We’ll also answer the questions that aren’t answered by other Moon Nukers, or those that need clarification.

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Why do we have to wait for Answers #6 to get a comments link up?

CayleyGraph2015: Did you deliberately disable comments on Ask IMAO Anything: Answers #6?

I’m answering these two related questions since they both arrived within two minutes of each other. Friday’s “glitch” was actually a screw-up. It seems when composing it, a stray mouse click disabled the setting to allow contents, and I didn’t discover that until I got both the question submitted to the old post and the email submitted to the Ask IMAO Anything email address. I can’t blame a hacker for that.

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walruskkkch: Which came first, the Chicken, the egg or BACON?

All that really matters is that we now have bacon, right?

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cayleygraph2015: Why do so many people ask for Coke when Pepsi is objectively better?

Why do so many people ask for Pepsi when Coke is objectively frackin’ awesome!

Trick questions. Dr Pepper is best.

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Oppo: Why did Snopes rate tales about Niagara “Mostly Falls”?

Niagara? Falls? Slowly I turned…

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Oppo: Who invented the formula “Who / What / When / Where / How / Why?” In what location, manner, and year was it devised, and for what purpose?

Ron Greenberg for a game show on NBC.

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Slapout: When you make “IMAO: The Movie”, can I help with the special effects?

We’re counting on it.

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Oppo: When you make “IMAO: The Movie”, can I help with the RiffTrax version?

If you think you can take Kevin Murphy, you go right ahead.

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Slapout: When will the Braves win the World Series again?

First, look at their previous titles:

• 1914 Boston Braves
• 1957 Milwaukee Braves
• 1995 Atlanta Braves

So, it’s obvious that the next title will be after they pack up and move again.

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Harvey: Same question, except Brewers and without the “again”.

Milwaukee’s National League team got their title in 1957 with the Braves. Shoulda stayed in the American League.

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Dear Friend,
How are you doing today, and your family, I’m happy to inform you about my success in getting the fund transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from Paraguay. Presently I’m in Paraguay for investment projects with my own share of the total sum. Meanwhile,I didn’t forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed us some how.

Now contact my secretary, is name is Mr.muhammad Youssef and is email address is (mr.muhammadyoussef123@gmail.com),ask him to send you the total $200.000.00 which i kept for your compensation for all the past efforts and attempts to assist me in this matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time very much. so feel free and get in touched with my secretary Mr.muhammad Youssef and instruct him where to send the amount to you.

Please do let me know immediately you receive it so that we can share the joy after all the sufferness at that time.in the moment, i am very busy here because of the investment projects which me and the new partner are having at hand, finally, remember that I had forwarded instruction to the secretary on your behalf to receive that money, so feel free to get in touch with Mr.muhammad Youssef and he will send the amount to you without any delay.

With best regards,
Mr.Abdul

I knew it was just a matter of time before this happened.

---

If you have a question, you can email us at Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com or simply leave your question in the comments.

And, thanks to the Moon Nukers that helped answer questions last time:

• walruskkkch
• cayleygraph2015

Bacon to you, and to those that have been answering questions earlier.

• Happy Fun Ball
• DamnCat
• zzyzx
• CLIFFY
• Rihar

Ask IMAO Anything! We know everything!

To help you end your Friday smarter than you began it, we present the answers to another round of questions sent in by you, you Loyal IMAO Readers you.

Some of the questions posted in the comments last time were answered in the comments by others in the IMAO Crack Answer Squad (yeah, we’re still looking for a name for that). Others, though, we’re answering now. And, maybe a clarification on one or two that were already answered.

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HokieGomer: Would you rather live in the ascendancy of a civilization or it’s decline?

Ascendancy. I’ve had enough of Democrats in office.

---

cayleygraph2015: How do you type with boxing gloves on your hands?

Poorly.

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walruskkkch: When cataloging a biography do you prefer CT or the Subject number? And why.

I quit watching Biography years ago when I dropped cable. I let YouTube catalog everything now.

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walruskkkch: Who moderates the moderators?

You do. Or you’re supposed to. Don’t be falling down on the job.

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cayleygraph2015: What’d you change your IMAO password to?

m3B031K1Q8GjjkYwxaCqhKfa

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HokieGomer: Who wrote the Book of Love?

The Apostle Paul.

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Oppo: In the immortal words of AOC, “Who dis?”

Some guy named Bob.

---

Oppo: Quo Vadis?

Romam vado iterum crucifigi.

---

Oppo: How can I get into a poker game with Obama, who said things like “Don’t call my bluff!”?

You need to hang around a better class of bath houses.

---

Oppo: In the immortal words of Sergeant Foley in An Officer and a Gentleman:
“Let’s get down to it. Why would a slick little hustler like you sign up for this kind of abuse?”

I want to fly jets.

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Oppo: In the event of a prolonged crisis, isn’t the Supply Room / IT Department really the best place to be?

The best place to be is home on the couch. Not that I’m referring to anyone in particular. (Frank.)

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Oppo: Are “Jurassic Drive” and “Jurassic: Reverse” being considered as sequel titles?

It depends on the success of Jurassic Neutral.

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Oppo: What in the hell are the fantods?

What I get every time I look at the questions submitted to Ask IMAO Anything.

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Oppo: I’m gassy from all the onions and not a bit sleepy. Can’t we just cuddle?

Not while you’re gassy, no.

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Harvey: We know about the name “Evian”, but is there a better backwards word to use as the name of a brand of water?

I always buy “Decirprevo” instead of the cheap store brand.

---

If there’s something you really want to know, ask us. We know everything.

Keep in mind that you might not like the answer. But, if that happens, it’s your own fault for asking a question you really didn’t want the answer to.

Leave a question in the comments. Our IMAO Crack Answer Squad will answer some of them, and I’ll pick up the rest. Or, you can email us your questions at Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com. We’ll share our vast, infinitely infinite knowledge with you.

We have another batch of questions from our offer to let you Ask IMAO Anything.

Some questions that were left in the comments previously were answered by others on the IMAO Crack Answers Squad (we still need a good name for that), but some were left unanswered. We’re answering those now. And, we’re adding clarification to a few that were already answered.

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Oppo: Can I ask questions about Hardee’s parking lots?

You just did.

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Harvey: Who Mourns for Adonais?

‘Tis we, who lost in stormy visions, keep
With phantoms an unprofitable strife,
And in mad trance, strike with our spirit’s knife
Invulnerable nothings. We decay
Like corpses in a charnel; fear and grief
Convulse us and consume us day by day,
And cold hopes swarm like worms within our living clay.

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zzyzx: Canada is fictional!?! I’ve always known Belgium is fictional but I had no idea about Canada!! So who’s that Trudeau guy … another one of Mayor Pete’s husbands?

Correction: one of his wives.

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Oppo: Will all presidential candidates be asked “Briefs or Boxers?”?

Only the women running: Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren, Kirsten Gillibrand, Tulsi Gabbard, Amy Klobuchar, Marianne Williamson, and Pete Buttigieg.

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c64wood: Is Soylent Green really green?

Yes. And so are the people’s faces after finding out what was in it.

---

Oppo: When’s the next “caulk like a pirate” day?

You think you’re putty cute, don’t you?

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DamnCat: How much did the lady pay for the stairway to heaven?

One soul. But she wasn’t using it. Kinda like Kamala Harris.

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Oppo: Did they give you a key to IMAO world headquarters, or did they give you a key from the lost and found?

Did they give you a key to IMAO world headquarters, or just a handful of quarters to call someone to let you in?

Did they give you a key to IMAO world headquarters, or do you just lurk around until someone else gets buzzed in?

Did they give you a key to IMAO world headquarters, or do you have to go all “Nakatomi Tower” to get to your terminal?

Frank loaned me his. He hasn’t asked for them back yet.

---

ayleygraph2015: Who should buy groceries: Sid or Stephen?

As long as I get to eat the groceries, it doesn’t matter.

---

Oppo: I say, stout yeoman, may I borrow your pennyfarthing?

Forsooth, it is hardly worthy of consideration as a mode of transportation, but doest as thou will.

---

Oppo: Has anti-Catholicism reached critical mass?

I don’t have Confirmation of that.

---

walruskkkch: Now my question for today.

Well, who are you?
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Come on tell me who are you
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Oh, I really wanna know
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Tell me tell me who are you
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)

Come on come on
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Ah who the f**k are you?
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Who are you?
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Oh tell me who are you
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)

Who? Me?

---

Slapout: I haven’t gotten a newsletter from Frank J in a while. Did he stop or is it going to my spam folder?

Both.

---

Veeshir: Why haven’t you answered any of my questions?

What do you mean? I’ve even answered questions you didn’t ask.

---

If you have a question for us, you can email Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com or leave an answer in the comments. If you leave the question here, perhaps one of our smartasses loyal following will be able to provide you with what you seek.

We’ll follow up with additional answers, and answers to the email questions, in a few days.

It’s a new week, and it’s a new round of questions to answer. There were quite a number of questions posted Friday, but some were answered by you, the Crack IMAO Answer Squad. Okay, we need a better name; get working on that, why don’tcha?

Anyway, many were answered by others here, but these either emailed in or weren’t answered completely. So, we’re going to answer these, and take your next round. Some of these answers are straight-forward, some are a little light-hearted, but none are wrong. Because we know everything.

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Christopher: Why hasn’t AG William Barr opened a case of criminal conspiracy against the House Intelligence Committee for try to make him break the the law?

Politics.

---

DamnCat: How many dimes in a sh1tload?

21.

Okay, I can hear the skepticism. But here you go. I did a screen capture and highlighted all of the faces. Count them yourself.

---

DamnCat: How many in a metric sh1tload?

Trick question. Dimes are already based on tens, so no metric conversion is necessary.

---

Harvey: What difference, at this point, does it make?

Don’t worry so much about that point. If you wear a hat, no one will notice it.

---

Harvey: Who’s your favorite Canadian?

Trick question. Canada is a fictional country.

---

walruskkkch: Who was President of the United states on April 5, 1841?

John Tyler. He didn’t take the oath of office until the next day, but as always, the incoming president is president at the time prescribed by law — in this case, upon the death of the previous president — whether or not the oath has been taken. The taking of the oath is a Constitutional requirement of an incoming president, but he is still president even before the oath is taken.

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walruskkkch: If bears sh*t in the woods where do Polar bears cr^p?

In the Northwoods.

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cayleygraph2015: Who am I?
Can I condemn this man to slavery?
Pretend I do not see his agony?
This sinner sent, who bears my face,
who goes to judgement in my place?
Who am I?
Can I conceal myself forevermore?
Pretend I’m not the man I was before?
And must my name, until I die
be no more than an alibi?
Must I lie?
How can I ever face my fellow man?
How can I ever fare myself again?
My soul belongs to God, I know,
I made that bargain long ago.
He gave me hope, when hope was gone,
he gave me strength to journey on,
Who am I?

Jean Valjean

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DamnCat: Who put the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong?

George Jones. No, not that George Jones, a different George Jones.

---

Oppo: What was Willis talking about? Serous question.

It wasn’t just Willis.

---

cayleygraph2015: Does Frank J get kickbacks for mentioning video games in his Random Thoughts? I bought “Baba Is You” on his recommendation (it was a good purchase).

Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, cayleygraph2015?

---

walruskkkch: While “Real” Socialism has never been tried anywhere, according to the Left, what place or places have tried the nearest thing to “Real” Socialism and how successful were those attempts?

The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics was the most successful in terms of population killed, with an estimated 20 million under Stalin. Lenin’s total is less than 1 million.

The National Socialist German Workers’ Party which ran Germany in the years leading up to and through World War II was responsible for only 6 million Jewish deaths within the boundaries of their empire, while China’s Mao Tse-tung only managed to kill less than three million of his people. Amateurs.

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Oppo: How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a cab?

One. But it’s a really long road.

---

Oppo: If Train A leaves its station at 50 mph simultaneously with Train B leaving a station 100 miles away on the same track, headed towards train A traveling at 65 miles per hour, then:
(a) is Global Warming real?
(b) does anyone get fired?
(c) is there any room for miracles to still happen?
(d) where was I going with this?

a) No.
b) No.
c) Yes.
d) In circles.

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CLIFFY: (e) will little old ladies say some extreme curse words they have never said before?

You like it when they talk dirty.

---

Oppo: They can put a man on the moon, but they can’t come up with a new way to compare capabilities?

They can no longer put a man on the moon. What has this nation become? We used to be able to put a man on the moon, and now people don’t know which restroom to use.

---

Oppo: Where have all deflowerers gone?

Sorry I didn’t leave you any.

---

Oppo: Why can’t Johnny read?

Because he’s a dumbass.

---

Oppo: Sometimes I pronounce it “Car-RIB-be-an,” and other times “Car-i-BEE-an.” Isn’t that weird?

Everything about you is weird.

---

Oppo: They shoot hearses, don’t they?

Until you’ve been in a hearse with a body in the back and been asked to leave the Hardee’s parking lot because you’re in a hearse with a body in the back (true story) you can’t ask any questions about hearses.

---

If you have any questions for us, remember you can Ask IMAO Anything. Email us at Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com or ask in the comments. Questions left in the comments may be answered in the comments. If not, or if the answer needs clarification or additional information, we’ll provide that in a day or two.

How can we make you smarterer?

It’s time to answer your questions. At least, the questions you left that weren’t already answered.

I’ve been happy with the answers that you — well, some of you — have given to other somes of you. Sure, you’re leaving the question for us to answer, but you are one of us. We accept you, one of us. Google gobble.

However, there were some questions that weren’t answered, or needed further clarification. We’ll do that now.

---

walruskkkch: How much money does one have to contribute to IMAO to become a named character in Frank J’s next novel?

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DamnCat: Dogs, Am I right?

*whimper*

---

DamnCat: What question can’t you answer?

What question can’t you ask?

---

Harvey: According to the movies, Godzilla had a son. Was Godzilla the mother or the father?

Minilla was hatched from an abandoned egg, and rescued by Godzilla. Minilla is not Godzilla’s biological son. Godzilla is a male, which is obvious since King Kong would never hit a female.

---

Harvey: Also, who was the other parent?

Harvey, you are the father.

---

Rihar: Why aren’t there girlsenberries?

There are, but they just aren’t that into you.

---

walruskkkch: Did Thanos have a 50-50 chance of also disappearing when he snapped his fingers?

Yes. That’s why he had the look of surprise on his face after the snap. He wasn’t sure if he would survive. Which means he believed the rules he set forth should apply to him as well. Which makes him a lot better than every politician today. Which is why I’m please to announce we’re endorsing Thanos 2020!

---

Oppo: Apparently Game of Thrones left a Starbuck’s cup in full view in one scene. Have they just given up even caring?

I don’t even care, so it’s okay for them to not even care.

---

Oppo: Doesn’t “Fear the Walking Dead” pretty much go without saying?

Then why did you say it?

---

Oppo: Is the ad agency that came up with Pajama Boy still getting clients?

Yes, once again proving that no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the average person.

---

Harvey: What do you get if you multiply six by nine?

42.

---

Oppo: Who on earth gave Michael Richards advice on how to handle hecklers?

He wasn’t on earth when he got that advice.

---

Slapout: Did Spacemonkey ever make it to space?

Yes, he just hasn’t made it back.

---

Oppo: If you name your kid Ralph Malph and let him hang around with greaser/biker Fonzie and someone named “Potsie,” is it safe to assume you have no parenting skills whatsoever?

I don’t think so. Hear me out. First his dad was Harry and ran a dress shop. Then, his name was Mickey, was an optometrist, and looked like one of the Nazis from Hogan’s Heroes, then like Howard Sprague from Andy Griffith. His mom Hazel looked like the cigar lady from Kentucky Fried Movie, then she was called Minnie, but no one ever saw her. Ralph killed and replaced his parents. More than once. They’re the real victims here.

---

Oppo: {Looks at avatar} This is me on my first day at Parris Island, after being called a maggot and a grabastic piece of whale excrement. What do you think of my chances?

If you ladies leave the island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day, you are pukes.

---

Bob B: Why did “Firefly” get cancelled?

So the geniuses at Fox could make room for Fastlane, Bernie Mac, and Wanda At Large.

---

Oppo: Do naysayers have any other pompous affectations we can make fun of?

Yes, we particularly like to make fun of names that are palindromes.

---

If you have any questions you’d like IMAO to answer, just leave it in the comments, or email us at Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com. Some of your questions will be answered in the comments by others of you. The rest, we’ll answer in a future post. Probably 2 or 3 times a week. Maybe more. We haven’t really put any thought into this. If we had, we probably wouldn’t do it. Like most everything.

We’re again answering questions you submitted to us. We’re taking questions via the blog in the comments, or by our special email address Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com. Some of the questions were answered in the comments by other readers. And, if the reader gave a good answer, we’re fine with that. After all, the IMAO audience is the smartestest audience of any blog on the Internet with a conservative bent and a red and black color scheme in a three-column format and featuring the moon in the logo. No other place can say that.

These questions, though, still need an answer. And since we have the largest brain trust on the planet, we’re sharing our vast, infinite, really big knowledge with you. So, here are the second batch of answers to your questions:

DamnCat: When will this be a regular feature?

Whenever we damn well please.

---

Bob B: If you know everything, then… ?

Exactly!

---

walruskkkch: Wow answering everyone’s question seems to be super easy, barely an inconvenience.

Answering questions is tight!

---

walruskkkch: Got an old Carlin question for you: If God is all powerful can He make a rock so big that He Himself can’t lift it?

You know what happened to George Carlin, right? He died. That should answer your question.

---

zzyzx: If that’s not my car then where is my car?

Last time I saw it, Neil Patrick Harris was driving away in it.

---

Harvey: Who is the best Captain in the Star Trek Universe?

The answers others gave in the comments were all correct, and I have nothing to add.

---

Oppo: How did you get a copy of my booking photo?

We know everything and have eyes and ears everywere. The NSA is scared of us!

---

Oppo: Is there a homicidal monkey named “Mr. Bananas” out to get me, or what?

That’s not his name.

---

Oppo: Snakes. Why is it always snakes?

That’s not a snake; I’m just happy to see you.

---

If you have a question for us, anything at all, send it to Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com, or leave your question in the comments. If you leave your question here, one of our regular geniuses may be able to give you the insight you need. But if not, rest assured that the super geniuses at IMAO will ensure you get all the knowledge you can stand.

We recently offered to answer your questions, any questions that you had. It seems you had some. It also appears some of you might have been expecting us to answer them at the time you asked the question. Like, right then. And yea, we’d like to do that.

The truth is I have duties around the IMAO offices — the drink machine won’t fill itself — so I didn’t get to answer them until after hours. But, don’t worry, we will answer all your questions as time allows. We may not be able to answer the same day, or the next day, or even the day after that, but we will answer your questions as soon as we’re able. Because IMAO Cares!^TM

So, here are the answers to the first group of questions. Pay attention. You might learn something.

Wendy: Why are pickup trucks called “pickup”? Not even thestraightdope has a good answer so I beseech you to enlighten me.

While first sold in 1924, the 1925 version of the Ford Model TT was the first commercially sold truck with “pickup” in its description (“Ford Model T Runabout with Pickup Body”). However, that’s not the real reason. The actual reason is because they’re used to pick up Southern chicks.

---

HokieGomer: What is the sound of one hand clapping?

FormerHostage: *swish*

That’s correct. See? Hang around IMAO long enough and you’ll know all the important answers, too.

---

FormerHostage: How many Zeno’s Paradoxes are there?

None. You can’t understand the paradox until it’s read to you. That takes time. Because sound does not travel at infinite speed, there is a delay between the description of the paradox being spoken and your hearing it. By the time you hear the first half of it, the speaker has proceeded beyond that. By the time you hear that part, the speaker has progressed further. You will never hear the full paradox read to you. Therefore, there is not one.

---

FormerHostage: How many excuses does Hillary have for her loss?

None. By the time you begin to count them, she has more. By the time you add that count, she has even more. You are never able to count them all. Therefore, there is no answer. Meaning there is no excuse for her loss.

---

FormerHostage: If a Democrat had an original idea, how long before it died of loneliness?

Trick question. No Democrat has ever had an original idea.

---

FormerHostage: Which is denser? A material that can absorb neutrinos or Sally Kohn?

That question.

---

FormerHostage: Is Robert Mueller a traitor or the last hope for “democracy” as of…
…
…
mark!

Leave Mark out of this. He’s done nothing to you.

---

HokieGomer: What is heavier? A pound of feathers or a pound of lead?

A pound of gold.

---

CayleyGraph2015: Does the Bacon/Tofu system keep track of who’s voted by IP address, by WordPress account, or something else?

Your IMAO or WordPress account, if you have one, is the primary tracking. If you don’t, or aren’t logged in, it then defaults to IP address. But what you really want to know is how to vote more than once. Simple: register as a Democrat.

---

CayleyGraph2015: CayleyGraph2015 said what?

That’s what everyone said after reading your very first comment at IMAO.

---

CLIFFY: Did Clarence Thomas and the authorities ever figure out who put that pubic hair on his coke can?

No. But I know who did. Don’t worry though; I’ll never rat on you.

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c64wood: If you work in a hospital, can you call in sick?

Yes, but if you work in a mortuary, you can’t call in dead.

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zzyzx: Where are my car keys?

That’s not your car.

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CLIFFY: Meghan Markle, Prince Harry welcome first child: It’s a boy! Could he be the Anti-Christ?

Sorry, that job’s taken.

---

DamnCat: Why are blackberries red when they’re green?

Science!

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walruskkkch: Are humans the only animal that can comprehend its own mortality?

Some humans can’t even do that.

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Oppo: Did you guess this was going to happen?

No, I wasn’t guessing. I knew.

---

Dohtimes: I’m really bad at math. Will there be any answers involving math?

Exactly zero. Wait.

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Harvey: Whatever happened to Right Wing Duck?

Nothing. He’s always been that way.

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CLIFFY: Biden mistakenly claims Margaret Thatcher, who died in 2013, is worried about Trump. Is Biden the real Clown?

There is nothing real about Joe Biden.

---

CLIFFY: When will IMAO start banning me like facebook does?

We won’t have to. We can make you leave on your own.

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CLIFFY: Cory Booker wants to require federal license for gun owners. Does that mean I would have to take down all 40 3-D printed guns I have mounted on my walls? smh

Yes. When you replace them with even more and bigger guns that you print.

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CLIFFY: I will never watch another Kentucky Derby again now because of that stupid dis-qualification. My gut is telling me that a bunch of Democrat Political Hacks are running that committee that disqualified Maximum Security. Is it because maximum security is what Hillary, Obama and others will be in some day?

No, it was because they each own several Country Houses.

---

DamnCat: Please answer provide step 2.
1: Steal underpants
2: ?
3: Profit

Share the secret and cut into my profits? No way.

---

We hope that enlightens you, and makes you feel just a little bit smarterer. After all, that’s what we’re here for.

If you have more questions you’d like us to answer, just leave a question in the comments, or email us at our address: ask.imao.anything@gmail.com.

If you leave a question here, and others answer your question in the comments, great. We’ll skip those. Unless they get the answer wrong. Then we’ll give you the correct answer. And, we’ll answer the remaining questions, and the questions that you email us, in a future column.

Ask IMAO anything. Because we know everything!

There’s one thing about IMAO that keeps people coming back. We know everything. Our knowledge isn’t just infinite, it’s beyond infinite.

We are also very kind and generous here at IMAO. We’re willing to share our vast knowledge with you, the unwashed masses. Be honest now, you really could use a knowledge upgrade, right?

So, what is it that you want to know? It can be about anything at all. How can we bring your level of knowledge up? Ask us anything!

Leave a question here, or, email us at our special email account: Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com.

But wash your mass first.