We recently offered to answer your questions, any questions that you had. It seems you had some. It also appears some of you might have been expecting us to answer them at the time you asked the question. Like, right then. And yea, we’d like to do that.

The truth is I have duties around the IMAO offices — the drink machine won’t fill itself — so I didn’t get to answer them until after hours. But, don’t worry, we will answer all your questions as time allows. We may not be able to answer the same day, or the next day, or even the day after that, but we will answer your questions as soon as we’re able. Because IMAO Cares!^TM

So, here are the answers to the first group of questions. Pay attention. You might learn something.

Wendy: Why are pickup trucks called “pickup”? Not even thestraightdope has a good answer so I beseech you to enlighten me.

While first sold in 1924, the 1925 version of the Ford Model TT was the first commercially sold truck with “pickup” in its description (“Ford Model T Runabout with Pickup Body”). However, that’s not the real reason. The actual reason is because they’re used to pick up Southern chicks.

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HokieGomer: What is the sound of one hand clapping?

FormerHostage: *swish*

That’s correct. See? Hang around IMAO long enough and you’ll know all the important answers, too.

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FormerHostage: How many Zeno’s Paradoxes are there?

None. You can’t understand the paradox until it’s read to you. That takes time. Because sound does not travel at infinite speed, there is a delay between the description of the paradox being spoken and your hearing it. By the time you hear the first half of it, the speaker has proceeded beyond that. By the time you hear that part, the speaker has progressed further. You will never hear the full paradox read to you. Therefore, there is not one.

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FormerHostage: How many excuses does Hillary have for her loss?

None. By the time you begin to count them, she has more. By the time you add that count, she has even more. You are never able to count them all. Therefore, there is no answer. Meaning there is no excuse for her loss.

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FormerHostage: If a Democrat had an original idea, how long before it died of loneliness?

Trick question. No Democrat has ever had an original idea.

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FormerHostage: Which is denser? A material that can absorb neutrinos or Sally Kohn?

That question.

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FormerHostage: Is Robert Mueller a traitor or the last hope for “democracy” as of…
…
…
mark!

Leave Mark out of this. He’s done nothing to you.

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HokieGomer: What is heavier? A pound of feathers or a pound of lead?

A pound of gold.

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CayleyGraph2015: Does the Bacon/Tofu system keep track of who’s voted by IP address, by WordPress account, or something else?

Your IMAO or WordPress account, if you have one, is the primary tracking. If you don’t, or aren’t logged in, it then defaults to IP address. But what you really want to know is how to vote more than once. Simple: register as a Democrat.

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CayleyGraph2015: CayleyGraph2015 said what?

That’s what everyone said after reading your very first comment at IMAO.

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CLIFFY: Did Clarence Thomas and the authorities ever figure out who put that pubic hair on his coke can?

No. But I know who did. Don’t worry though; I’ll never rat on you.

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c64wood: If you work in a hospital, can you call in sick?

Yes, but if you work in a mortuary, you can’t call in dead.

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zzyzx: Where are my car keys?

That’s not your car.

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CLIFFY: Meghan Markle, Prince Harry welcome first child: It’s a boy! Could he be the Anti-Christ?

Sorry, that job’s taken.

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DamnCat: Why are blackberries red when they’re green?

Science!

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walruskkkch: Are humans the only animal that can comprehend its own mortality?

Some humans can’t even do that.

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Oppo: Did you guess this was going to happen?

No, I wasn’t guessing. I knew.

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Dohtimes: I’m really bad at math. Will there be any answers involving math?

Exactly zero. Wait.

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Harvey: Whatever happened to Right Wing Duck?

Nothing. He’s always been that way.

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CLIFFY: Biden mistakenly claims Margaret Thatcher, who died in 2013, is worried about Trump. Is Biden the real Clown?

There is nothing real about Joe Biden.

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CLIFFY: When will IMAO start banning me like facebook does?

We won’t have to. We can make you leave on your own.

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CLIFFY: Cory Booker wants to require federal license for gun owners. Does that mean I would have to take down all 40 3-D printed guns I have mounted on my walls? smh

Yes. When you replace them with even more and bigger guns that you print.

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CLIFFY: I will never watch another Kentucky Derby again now because of that stupid dis-qualification. My gut is telling me that a bunch of Democrat Political Hacks are running that committee that disqualified Maximum Security. Is it because maximum security is what Hillary, Obama and others will be in some day?

No, it was because they each own several Country Houses.

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DamnCat: Please answer provide step 2.
1: Steal underpants
2: ?
3: Profit

Share the secret and cut into my profits? No way.

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We hope that enlightens you, and makes you feel just a little bit smarterer. After all, that’s what we’re here for.

If you have more questions you’d like us to answer, just leave a question in the comments, or email us at our address: ask.imao.anything@gmail.com.

If you leave a question here, and others answer your question in the comments, great. We’ll skip those. Unless they get the answer wrong. Then we’ll give you the correct answer. And, we’ll answer the remaining questions, and the questions that you email us, in a future column.

Ask IMAO anything. Because we know everything!