Archive of entries posted on 14th May 2019

What’s With The Password Emails

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Tech support

The IMAO Technical Team at work

Some of you — only a few — have received password reset emails. And that’s okay. Really, it’s okay.

Here’s the background. Some time back, IMAO had what was essentially Open Enrollment for being a subscriber, and the ability to login and comment. We didn’t keep that, since you can use WordPress, Google, Twitter, or Facebook accounts to log in. Well, sometimes Safari is a problem, but most browsers work just fine. So, an actual IMAO account isn’t really necessary.

We haven’t closed the accounts of those that created one way back when. We might. But we haven’t.

Anyway, today, as part of a security update, we forced a reset of everyone’s password. Everyones. Mine. Harvey’s. Frank’s. Everyone had to do a password reset. And, if you have an old IMAO account, you probably got an email telling you that.

So, if you did, it’s okay. Really, it’s okay. You can use your new IMAO password, if you have one. Or, you can connect with your Google account, Twitter account, or Facebook account to log in to comment. Or just leave an email address and name without logging in.

Now, back to the funneh.

Trump Truths: Negotiating

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The Chinese think they’re winning the trade war by slapping on a few tariffs, but by the time President Trump is through with them, they’ll be speaking English and adding white and blue to their flag – or so I assume, extrapolating from the fact that, in the new NAFTA, Canada agreed to be called “North Minnesota”.

Tapped at by My Fingers (Song Parody)

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[High Praise! to Oppo]

Tapped at by My Fingers (to the tune of “Wrapped Around Your Finger” by The Police)

You would kick me off of “The Apprentice”
A phenom non compos mentis
I’d be ostracized by youth with extreme vigor
If not staring at The View to learn my trigger

I have not come here seeking knowledge
This is what they taught me most in college.
I can see democracy is sold
Turned over to a tiny band so old

I’ll be rapt, around your fingers,
I’ll give crap to bitter clingers

Ol’ Methuselah is not your name
I know that you’re up there just the same
I will lust the most for free tuition
Won’t hear of the costs to its provisions.

I’ll be hip, just like a singer
Democrats sound like Jerry Springer

Revel in the deep blue states behind me
Banish from the air the right, so fine me
I will take my turn, defame those bastards
Idiots, not savants, are our masters

You’ll be tapped at by my fingers
You’ll be tapped at by my fingers
You’ll be tapped at by my fingers
YOLO…

To Close 32-Point Gap With Biden, Sanders Launches Cross-Country Hair-Sniffing Tour

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“[sniff] Apricots and ignorance… now THAT’S a Bernie voter!”

WASHINGTON (AP) – With recent polls showing that late-entry Democrat candidate Joe Biden is slaughtering the competition with a 32-point lead over his next closest rival, Bernie Sanders, Sanders declared that he will fight back even harder to regain his lead, announcing the launch of a cross-country hair-sniffing tour.

Sanders 2020 campaign manager Faiz Shakir explained the radical shift in strategy.

“We were leading the field for quite a bit,” said Shakir, “so we assumed that all people wanted was an old socialist with two-thirds of Einstein’s hair. Then Biden jumped in and had us by 32 in just a week. We weren’t sure what hit us, but by golly we were determined to hit back!”

Back in the Sanders campaign war room, Shakir – along with the best interns money could buy for $12 an hour – dove into a brainstorming session. What WAS it that Biden had that Sanders didn’t have? Was it his comparative youthfulness? His weird, squinty, pitbull eyes? His new fake teeth? His old fake hair?

“We decided,” Shakir said, “to look at why Biden had been in the news lately, and we agreed there was only one possible explanation: women liked having their hair sniffed by old men.”

With that knowledge in hand, Bernie Sanders embarked on the most ambitious comeback tour since whatever Miley Cyrus does next time she gets out of rehab.

During a stop in South Carolina, Sanders headed up what almost looked like a reverse greeting line, with women walking up backward to him for their follicular whiffing.

“[sniff] Jasmine, saffron, Bulgarian rose… ah… Acqua Di Parma. You should see my campaign manager about hosting a fundraiser for me.”

“[sniff] cheap perfume and dish soap… definitely Suave… guess I don’t need to ask if you’re making a campaign contribution. Free donuts are on the table over there.”

“[sniff] Head & Shoulders.”

“But I don’t use Head & Shoulders,” said the puzzled Bernie fan.

“I know,” said Sanders. “In your case, it was a suggestion.”

Outside the event, we caught up with Matilda Sullivan, a life-long Democrat and frequent Biden sniffee, who appeared somewhat disenchanted by her most recent experience.

“It’s just not the same. Joe’s is the slow, deep, gentle inhale of a favorite, yet slightly creepy uncle. Bernie… it’s just kinda disturbing. A low snuffling sound, like a Nazgul looking for Hobbits.”

Sanders seemed to take the feedback in stride, saying that there was still a lot of time for things to come together and that his national smell-a-thon, like the rest of his campaign, was a work in progress.

“Overall, I think I’ve got a good shot at this,” Sanders said. “I mean, you got the first mainstream socialist who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”

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