A few years ago, I got to see Tim Conway and Harvey Korman live in Las Vegas. It was great. They were great.
The more of the greats we lose, the less funny the world is.
Do you have something you’d like to share? A link? A joke? Some words of wisdom? A topic to discuss? It’s Wednesday Night Open Thread.
What’s on your mind?
Democrat Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib delivered a thumb drive to Congress containing what she claimed were 10 million signatures calling on lawmakers to begin impeachment proceedings against President Trump.
Now she just needs to find another thumb drive with one actual crime to charge Trump with.
[Primitive Technology: Fired Clay Bricks] (Viewer #3,038,768)
Before there was social media, there was playing with fire and mud.
And editing time-lapse videos.
[High Praise! to Mental Floss]
How Joseph Pulitzer Saved the Statue of Liberty
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
[High Praise! to Oppo]
Pure Indoctrination (to the tune of “Pure Imagination” by Gene Wilder)
Come with me
And you’ll be
In a world of
Pure indoctrination
Take a look
And you’ll see
How Barack would like our nation
We’ll begin
With all spin
Traveling in
The world of lie-creation
What we’ll see
Will defy
Explanation
If you want to throw a pair of dice
Simply look at how Dems blew it
And the thing is, you can’t undo it
Want to Detroit the world?
There’s nothing
To it
There are no
Lies I know
To compare with
Pure infatuation
College, care,
Will be free
If you truly wish them to be
If you want to screw paradise
Simply book on The View some git
Who says
Anything you want to, do it
Want to charge the rich?
There’s nothing
To it
There is no
Life I know
Or liberty, in
Purging MAGA Nation
Living there
In B.C.
If you truly
Wish to be
“Yes, I *am* glad you didn’t say banana… I don’t get it…”
After if was explained to her that “a liberal YouTube viewer” might’ve been a more accurate line in this case, AOC fired the “impertinent” staffer.
Also fired was the staffer who tried explaining that hyperbole wasn’t the same as dry humor.
On the advice of a third, as-yet-unfired staffer, AOC agreed to investigate other types of humor that might garner her fewer mean tweets and eye-rolls.
“I was considering going with light bulb jokes” said Ocasio-Cortez, “but then I heard the one about feminists… that’s not funny… Also, I didn’t get it.”
“Turns out light bulb jokes are even harder than dry humor.”
After firing staffer #3 for his stupid suggestion, AOC decided to try her hand at something “so simple a sea sponge won’t think it’s literal.” Exuding her trademark optimism, she began telling knock-knock jokes to a sea sponge she found in the janitor’s closet. Frustrated by its refusal to say the straight line portion, she had it fired and enlisted the help of a staffer she found who had been hiding her face behind an open file folder while crouching behind a plastic ficus and pre-emptively updating her resume on Monster.com.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there”
“Climb”
“Climb who”
“Climb-ate change is going to kill us all in 12 years unless we enact the Green New Deal”
[blink blink]
“You didn’t laugh. You’re fired. Take the sea sponge and get out.”
An intern in the corner squeaked timidly, “I think you’re going to need to hire some more staffers”.
“OO! That’s perfect” AOC said. “Knock knock”
“Who’s there”
“Hire”
“Hire who”
“Hire taxes for rich people will pay for the Green New Deal!”
The intern curled up into a ball, weeping.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there”
“Boo”
“Boo who?”
“I’ll give you something to cry about. You’re fired! Get out of here!”
While surveying her empty office, Ocasio-Cortez made a puzzled eyebrow-crinkle, staring at the walls.
“Huh… maybe I should’ve said ‘depression is treatable, get help.’
“Oh well,” she sighed. “Wonder if I have another sea sponge?”
—–
< To Close 32-Point Gap With Biden, Sanders Launches Cross-Country Hair-Sniffing Tour
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
After the IMAO security update, Basil changed his password to…
We have another batch of questions from our offer to let you Ask IMAO Anything.
Some questions that were left in the comments previously were answered by others on the IMAO Crack Answers Squad (we still need a good name for that), but some were left unanswered. We’re answering those now. And, we’re adding clarification to a few that were already answered.
Oppo: Can I ask questions about Hardee’s parking lots?
You just did.
Harvey: Who Mourns for Adonais?
‘Tis we, who lost in stormy visions, keep
With phantoms an unprofitable strife,
And in mad trance, strike with our spirit’s knife
Invulnerable nothings. We decay
Like corpses in a charnel; fear and grief
Convulse us and consume us day by day,
And cold hopes swarm like worms within our living clay.
zzyzx: Canada is fictional!?! I’ve always known Belgium is fictional but I had no idea about Canada!! So who’s that Trudeau guy … another one of Mayor Pete’s husbands?
Correction: one of his wives.
Oppo: Will all presidential candidates be asked “Briefs or Boxers?”?
Only the women running: Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren, Kirsten Gillibrand, Tulsi Gabbard, Amy Klobuchar, Marianne Williamson, and Pete Buttigieg.
c64wood: Is Soylent Green really green?
Yes. And so are the people’s faces after finding out what was in it.
Oppo: When’s the next “caulk like a pirate” day?
You think you’re putty cute, don’t you?
DamnCat: How much did the lady pay for the stairway to heaven?
One soul. But she wasn’t using it. Kinda like Kamala Harris.
Oppo: Did they give you a key to IMAO world headquarters, or did they give you a key from the lost and found?
Did they give you a key to IMAO world headquarters, or just a handful of quarters to call someone to let you in?
Did they give you a key to IMAO world headquarters, or do you just lurk around until someone else gets buzzed in?
Did they give you a key to IMAO world headquarters, or do you have to go all “Nakatomi Tower” to get to your terminal?
Frank loaned me his. He hasn’t asked for them back yet.
ayleygraph2015: Who should buy groceries: Sid or Stephen?
As long as I get to eat the groceries, it doesn’t matter.
Oppo: I say, stout yeoman, may I borrow your pennyfarthing?
Forsooth, it is hardly worthy of consideration as a mode of transportation, but doest as thou will.
Oppo: Has anti-Catholicism reached critical mass?
I don’t have Confirmation of that.
walruskkkch: Now my question for today.
Well, who are you?
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Come on tell me who are you
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Oh, I really wanna know
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Tell me tell me who are you
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Come on come on
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Ah who the f**k are you?
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Who are you?
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Oh tell me who are you
(Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Who? Me?
Slapout: I haven’t gotten a newsletter from Frank J in a while. Did he stop or is it going to my spam folder?
Both.
Veeshir: Why haven’t you answered any of my questions?
What do you mean? I’ve even answered questions you didn’t ask.
If you have a question for us, you can email Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com or leave an answer in the comments. If you leave the question here, perhaps one of our smartasses loyal following will be able to provide you with what you seek.
We’ll follow up with additional answers, and answers to the email questions, in a few days.
The standard practice seems to be to refer to an unborn child as a “baby” if it’s loved and a “fetus” if it isn’t.
So what’s gong to make 2020 different is that the Democrats are going to argue that Trump isn’t that smart or successful.
For some reason I’ve never figured out, I find “unsigned” the hardest word to type. It comes out as “unisgned” more than half the time (including my first attempt to type it in this tweet).
Why is everyone nutty about politics except me? Why am I the only reasonable person? Why was I given this terrible burden?
Mike Meyers’s Cat in the Hat combines the creepiness of a clown with the unfunniness of a clown.
Finally saw Kong: Skull Island. Rock-solid summer blockbuster. Entertained all the way through. No complaints. The monkey was very large.
I’m to 14.6 GB out of 15 on my Gmail, so I guess it’s finally time to start deleting emails.
Next time you’re whining about how tough you have things, remember there are people who had things way worse than you and achieved way more.
Meghan McCain has really become an Emmanuel Goldstein for a certain segment of the left. Strange how that seems to happen more with center-right people, like Bari Weiss. I guess because they’re the ones that get invited into left-wing bubbles.
No believes the world is ending from climate change because no one acts like the world is going to end. Instead they act like partisan goobers.
#DearMeTenYearsAgo
Pay close attention to those Marvel movies. There’s like a quiz at the end.
Know what’s a better gift to get for Father’s Day that a “#1 Dad” mug? A mug that says “#8 Dad.” That makes it sound like there was legitimate ranking and you made the top ten.
Calling Alfred E. Neuman an old fogey reference is like calling Bugs Bunny an old fogey reference. “Hey, he referred to something made back in the 30s!”
You’re sounding like idiots trying to pretend Trump didn’t make a good barb for once.
I don’t think America is ready to elect a Millennial as president.
Trump makes his biggest supporters and biggest detractors so so dumb.
Trump actually made a pretty clever barb comparing Buttigieg to Alfred E. Neuman. Get over it. He’ll say something characteristically stupid again soon.
Buttigieg’s misstep was reminding everyone he’s a Millennial. Can’t the Democrats elect someone from Generation X — the greatest (recent) generation?
To me, the perfect political system would be one where everyone could lose. Then after an election I could laugh in the face of all the candidates and their supporters.
My 5yo son was so excited to receive a trophy for tee-ball that we waited awhile to explain to him that it was a participation trophy and completely meaningless.
The way they did it was that the younger divisions where they didn’t really keep score everyone got a little trophy, but in the older divisions (like what my 8yo was in) only the top teams got trophies.
The number of teams that got trophies seemed to follow this equation:
int numTeamsReceivingTrophies = MIN(divisions.teams.count – 1, 3);
I.e., up to 3 teams got trophies, but at least one team per division didn’t get one to make the other trophies meaningful.
My 3yo just now:
“Daddy, I’m going to kill you.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re bad.”
She find my Twitter feed?
So how many of you are surprised Trump knows who Alfred E. Neuman is? I assumed someone else made the comparison and he repeated it, but if he came up with that one himself, props to him.
Are liquor stores closed on Sunday in solidarity with Chick-fil-A?
Saw Creed 2 finally. Was looking forward to it as Rocky IV is like the 80iest 80s movie, and it’s nice there’s now a sequel.
In the first Creed, they gloss over how Apollo died as Rocky IV is so cheesy and didn’t fit the tone of Creed at all. Creed 2 is okay with a little schlock though, and it was a fun movie.
Really more of a Father’s Day movie as there were like 4+ father-son/daughter relationships in the movie. Surprisingly, the one that landed hardest emotionally was the Drago one.
One thing I found odd is while I was excited to see Dolph as Drago again and Jordan as Creed, in the first scene where Sylvester Stallone started talking, I was all “Oh yeah. He’s in this too.”
Sylvester Stallone shares part of the screenwriting credit. It’s easy to forget he started his career as an Oscar-nominated screenwriter.
And actor.
Anyway, much cheesier than the first Creed (Drago gets to dictate to the World Heavyweight Champion that the rematch has to be in Russia?) but man do you get pulled into the climactic fight. Good movie.
My wife, SarahK, has amazed me this year like never before. It was a tough labor, we had the Down syndrome surprise, and week in the NICU—but only a week after she’s getting the three other kids to softball/tee-ball while taking on the challenges of our newborn, Winchester.
Being a mother at times seems like an impossible job, but she nails it. Happy Mother’s Day.
Ha. You idiots are watching the show Game of Thrones TV show while I await for the end of the book series which will be infinitely better since it will only exist in my imagination.
*George R.R. Martin watches people’s reactions to the final season of Game of Thrones*
*He takes what he’s currently written for the last two books and throws it in the fire*
“Going to need to rewrite that.”
I’m reading The Silmarillion. It reminds me of the early parts of the Book of Genesis, but with way more unsure how to pronounce names thrown at you. I’m a hundred pages in, and all I’ve absorbed so far is “Melkor is bad.”
If you ask Kamala Harris if she’s a cop, she required by law to tell you.
Will the Democrats’ rallying around pea-brained anti-Semites and socialists be enough to defeat Trump?
A great metaphor for politics is in the game Myst. You have two people in it arguing you should help them and not trust the other and in the end you find out it’s a false choice and you shouldn’t help or trust either.
“There’s always kind of a calming feeling when I think of the Holocaust” does have to be one of the all time worst starts to a sentence.
*talking to Daenerys*
“You know, you’d be prettier if you smiled more.”
*Daenerys smiles while committing genocide*
“Oh no.”
I beat Cuphead. Yeah, I’m pretty awesome.
And I beat a number of the bosses with my kids “helping.”
How Game of Thrones will probably end:
Daenerys and Jon Snow kill each other and then Arya Stark takes the throne and is like, “I’m queen now!”
And everyone is like, “Are ya?”
Freeze frame as everyone has a good laugh. Credits roll over freeze frame.
I’m actually really excited for the finale next week even though I don’t watch the show because the reactions to each episode has been so enjoyable.
It’s not people swearing and getting angry that’s going to convince me about climate change–people do that about every idiotic issue. What would convince me is them being kind and compromising with their political opponents because they believe it’s so important to do something.
Everyone screams and gets angry. If you want to get attention in politics, do something you never see: swallow your pride.
They foreshadowed Daenerys overreacting and going crazy when in the first season they revealed she’s a woman.
Lines I’m expecting from the last episode of GoT:
“This game of thrones is no longer a game. It’s real life.”
“I’ll defeat your dragon with it’s only weakness–the dragon uppercut! Shoryuken!”
“Autistic son, why are you staring at that snow globe of dragons and naked ladies?”
Probably the absolute worst justification for abortion is that it’s best for the child. That implies there are a number of children out there who weren’t aborted but would be better off dead.
Now in development: a swarm of AI drones that can be used to patrol a nation’s borders.
Which sounds great, unless you’ve seen Hitchcock’s “The Birds”.
