SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – During a campaign swing through California, Democrat Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders had a chance encounter with a member of San Francisco’s burgeoning homeless population, who was sitting on the sidewalk, a begging cup between his outstretched feet, next to a torn and battered cardboard box flap reading “need money 4 new sharpie to make better sign”. After pausing to wipe a tear at the sight, Sanders bent over, took about half the contents of the beggar’s cup, and walked away whistling while shoving the bills and coins into his pants pocket.

At a political rally later that day, Sanders related the story as a heartwarming anecdote to the crowd of former Grateful Dead groupies that make up the bulk of his voter base in California.

“I was walking down Ashbury Street,” said Sanders “wondering where my next triple venti soy no-foam latte was coming from – my Secret Service detail stopped ‘loaning’ me coffee money months ago – when I saw a guy sitting on the sidewalk next to an entire cup full of money. I thought he might be some sort of discount leprechaun, except the Irish don’t wear camo pants. At least I think they were camo. Might’ve just been dirty. Anyway – cup full of money!”

“Now, if there’s one thing I know about money,” continued Sanders, “it’s that a pile of it doesn’t do anybody any good. Money only works when it’s moving, and everybody’s got to do their part to help it move. So I counted me and him – that made two – then divided by two to figure out what my part was – that’s half – and took my fair share to the nearest Starbucks.”

“Not that I counted it out to the last penny. I’m a socialist. Numbery math is for my enemies. Socialist math says one cupful equals two handfuls. I put the other handful back into the cup. Although I may need to go back and do more math on him if I get hungry for a scone later.”

Though Sanders was later criticized by President Trump in a tweet for his actions – “Guess Crazy Bernie Sanders couldn’t find any babies with candy” – Faiz Shakir, a spokesman for the Sanders campaign, defended the candidate’s behavior.

“Sure, Bernie has 3 houses, a 6-figure salary, and a 7-figure net worth, but he didn’t have it ON him. The only thing in his wallet was a 2-for-1 coupon for Chick-Fil-A. Like I’m ever going to let him risk letting his base see him eat there. I had him give it to the homeless guy.”

The homeless man in question, Billy Ray Valentine, said he didn’t mind splitting his earnings with the Independent Senator from Vermont.

“Did you see his hair?” asked Valentine. “Cat needs the cash WAY worse than I do… Hey! This coupon’s expired!”

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