I love Weird Al.
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Archive of entries posted on 10th May 2019
Temporarily Correct
Democrat Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg said that America was “never as great as advertised“.
Absolutely true. Between 2008 and 2016.
I Was Once Bitten By a Radioactive Nuclear Reactor, But I Still Cannot Produce My Own Emission-Free Energy
[Honest Trailers – Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse] (Viewer #2,430,448)
The Honest Trailer that’s almost as much fun as the movie it’s reviewing.
Link of the Day: I Know a Lot of People I Want to Send Here
[High Praise! to Your Daily Dose of Vitamin Fred]
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Trump Truths: Documents
Let’s Make That Number Zero
Conservative Student Expelled from Berkeley for Using Hate Phrase “I D*sagree”
CAUTION: First Amendment may not apply to this article!
“We’re very open here at UCB,” said Dean of Students Jeffrey Edleson. “We believe in vigorously protecting free speech in all its forms. But we also have an obligation to consider student safety, so we encourage ‘safe speech’ in order to avoid unnecessary hurt or discomfort. We want to promote expressing differing ideas, while also making sure that no one feels cognitively invalidated. That’s why Berkeley’s ‘safe speech code’ prohibits dangerous assault conversations that include hate speech, hate phrases, and hate words.”
“Soon,” Edleson said, “we hope to add additional rules against hate syllables, hate letters, and hate punctuation.”
The victim of the hate incident, Kyleigh Delikata, described what it was like to be exposed to Smith’s verbal defilement.
“I was just sitting in class, minding my own business, explaining to everyone why the moral superiority of socialism more than balanced out the occasional… trouble… it has keeping its citizens alive,” said Delikata, death-gripping one the campus’s free communal stuffed ‘comfort bears,’ causing white, fluffy batting to extrude from a small neck rip like a cottony sausage-maker. “When suddenly, Smith dropped a d-bomb on me. Right there in class. Right out in public! BAM! ‘I d*sagree’. And you should’ve seen the crazy look in his eyes. Totally calm. Like he wasn’t even angry about anything. Gives me the creeping heebie-jeebies just thinking about it.”
Tears fell on her cotton-sausage as she continued, a broken shell of a woman.
“And he went on. It wasn’t just the d-word. He just kept pummeling me with obscenities, going on about ‘e*idence’, ‘f*cts’, ‘l*gic’, ‘r*eason’… and then he said I was… I was… ‘w*rong’.
More tears, followed by a plaintive gaze.
“I hope you’re going to censor those words when you write this,” pleaded Delikata. “I don’t want people thinking I actually talk like that. I feel so dirty saying them. Like I needed a shower. Except I stopped using soap because it’s bad for the environment. Maybe some dry shampoo and talc.”
As for the perpetrator, despite the harsh consequences imposed on him for his actions, he remains recalcitrant and unrepentant.
“I still don’t understand what the fuss was all about,” said Smith. “I was just saying what I honestly believed, as politely as I could. That’s the kind of guy I am. I can’t help it if my mama raised me right.”
As of this writing, Smith is being brought up on further charges for offending students who might read this article but who don’t have a parent who identifies as female.
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< As Audience Numbers Fall, CNN Asks Congress to Charge Its Former Viewers With Contempt
Straight Line of the Day: In Exchange for Dropping Tariffs, China Wants America to Give Them…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
In exchange for dropping tariffs, China wants America to give them…
The Illustrated Frank J: It’s an Investment
Ask IMAO: Answers #3
It’s time to answer your questions. At least, the questions you left that weren’t already answered.
I’ve been happy with the answers that you — well, some of you — have given to other somes of you. Sure, you’re leaving the question for us to answer, but you are one of us. We accept you, one of us. Google gobble.
However, there were some questions that weren’t answered, or needed further clarification. We’ll do that now.
walruskkkch: How much money does one have to contribute to IMAO to become a named character in Frank J’s next novel?
DamnCat: Dogs, Am I right?
*whimper*
DamnCat: What question can’t you answer?
What question can’t you ask?
Harvey: According to the movies, Godzilla had a son. Was Godzilla the mother or the father?
Minilla was hatched from an abandoned egg, and rescued by Godzilla. Minilla is not Godzilla’s biological son. Godzilla is a male, which is obvious since King Kong would never hit a female.
Harvey: Also, who was the other parent?
Harvey, you are the father.
Rihar: Why aren’t there girlsenberries?
There are, but they just aren’t that into you.
walruskkkch: Did Thanos have a 50-50 chance of also disappearing when he snapped his fingers?
Yes. That’s why he had the look of surprise on his face after the snap. He wasn’t sure if he would survive. Which means he believed the rules he set forth should apply to him as well. Which makes him a lot better than every politician today. Which is why I’m please to announce we’re endorsing Thanos 2020!
Oppo: Apparently Game of Thrones left a Starbuck’s cup in full view in one scene. Have they just given up even caring?
I don’t even care, so it’s okay for them to not even care.
Oppo: Doesn’t “Fear the Walking Dead” pretty much go without saying?
Then why did you say it?
Oppo: Is the ad agency that came up with Pajama Boy still getting clients?
Yes, once again proving that no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the average person.
Harvey: What do you get if you multiply six by nine?
42.
Oppo: Who on earth gave Michael Richards advice on how to handle hecklers?
He wasn’t on earth when he got that advice.
Slapout: Did Spacemonkey ever make it to space?
Yes, he just hasn’t made it back.
Oppo: If you name your kid Ralph Malph and let him hang around with greaser/biker Fonzie and someone named “Potsie,” is it safe to assume you have no parenting skills whatsoever?
I don’t think so. Hear me out. First his dad was Harry and ran a dress shop. Then, his name was Mickey, was an optometrist, and looked like one of the Nazis from Hogan’s Heroes, then like Howard Sprague from Andy Griffith. His mom Hazel looked like the cigar lady from Kentucky Fried Movie, then she was called Minnie, but no one ever saw her. Ralph killed and replaced his parents. More than once. They’re the real victims here.
Oppo: {Looks at avatar} This is me on my first day at Parris Island, after being called a maggot and a grabastic piece of whale excrement. What do you think of my chances?
If you ladies leave the island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day, you are pukes.
Bob B: Why did “Firefly” get cancelled?
So the geniuses at Fox could make room for Fastlane, Bernie Mac, and Wanda At Large.
Oppo: Do naysayers have any other pompous affectations we can make fun of?
Yes, we particularly like to make fun of names that are palindromes.
If you have any questions you’d like IMAO to answer, just leave it in the comments, or email us at Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com. Some of your questions will be answered in the comments by others of you. The rest, we’ll answer in a future post. Probably 2 or 3 times a week. Maybe more. We haven’t really put any thought into this. If we had, we probably wouldn’t do it. Like most everything.
With an R After His Name
Elizabeth Warren: “If any other human being in this country had done what’s documented in the Mueller report, they’d be arrested and put in jail.”
Here, let me write the headline: “Elizabeth Warren Doesn’t Consider Hillary Clinton a Human Being”