Archive of entries posted on 17th May 2019

Kamala Harris Comes Out As 76-Year-Old White Man, Now Leads 2020 Dems In Polls

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Harris spends the morning practicing “awkwardly close and too handsy” photo ops

WASHINGTON (AP) – In an unexpected move that took both fellow Senators and her campaign staffers by surprise, Democrat Senator and 2020 presidential candidate Kamala Harris announced that, from now on, she will stop identifying as African American and begin identifying as a 76-year-old white man. Harris, who was polling in the mid-single digits, immediately took a commanding 30+ point lead in the Democrat race for president.

Senator Harris held a press conference to give her take on what was, to some, a startling transformation of both identity and fortune.

“Some people,” said Harris “have accused me of pulling a cheap stunt to try to jumpstart my flagging campaign, but nothing could be further from the truth. From as far back as I can remember – or at least the beginning of this month – I knew that I could no longer keep pretending about who I really was. And whether it cost me votes, or – as it turned out – gained me votes, it didn’t matter. I had to be true to who I knew I was on the inside – and who voters wished I was on the outside.”

“I know what I look like on the outside,” continued Harris, “but I implore you: don’t judge me by the color of my skin, but rather by the content of my character. And my character, at least for this election, is an old white guy. One who gaffes and has charming quirks… and who makes liberals feel comfortable in a way that’s uncomfortable to explain to pollsters and your liberal friends. Well, I’m here to take your white guilt and shame away, because I’m white too, now.”

“But again, please, don’t judge me by the color of my skin, but rather by the color I tell you my skin is.”

“Oh,” Harris added, “and because of the gender change, I had to pick a new name. Minor switch, really. It’s Cameron now. So you can still call me Cam. But now it’s Cam with a C. And I mean you actually have to say ‘Cam with a C’. Don’t you dare deadname me or I will cut you. Or maybe just sue you… that’s how white people threaten each other, right? I’m still so new at this.”

“Also,” concluded Harris, “I still haven’t decided on my preferred pronoun yet. I’ll let you know after you get it wrong.”

Early reactions to the change seemed generally supportive. One of Harris’s campaign workers, Sophia Oliver, could hardly contain her admiration.

“I’ve always thought of her as a strong and courageous woman of color,” said Oliver, “but coming out as a white guy somehow makes her seem even stronger and courageouser. Is courageouser a word? Well, it is now. Take THAT white patriarchy!”

“Oh…no offense, Cam… uh… with a C.”

While early polling does seem to indicate this is a positive step for Harris’s campaign, the campaign’s manager, Juan Rodriguez, advised caution.

“People are idiots and the electorate is fickle. If Cam so much as guesses correctly how many letter are in the word J-O-B-S, the wave could collapse tomorrow. It’s tough being a America’s favorite creepy uncle. Biden just makes it look easy.”

At press time, Rodriguez had been cut and sued for leaving off “with a C”.

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< Democrats’ New College Loan Forgiveness Bill to Include Free Degrees for Everyone

Ask IMAO Anything: Answers #6

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To help you end your Friday smarter than you began it, we present the answers to another round of questions sent in by you, you Loyal IMAO Readers you.

Some of the questions posted in the comments last time were answered in the comments by others in the IMAO Crack Answer Squad (yeah, we’re still looking for a name for that). Others, though, we’re answering now. And, maybe a clarification on one or two that were already answered.

HokieGomer
HokieGomer: Would you rather live in the ascendancy of a civilization or it’s decline?

Basil
Ascendancy. I’ve had enough of Democrats in office.

CayleyGraph2015
cayleygraph2015: How do you type with boxing gloves on your hands?

Basil
Poorly.

walruskkkch
walruskkkch: When cataloging a biography do you prefer CT or the Subject number? And why.

Basil
I quit watching Biography years ago when I dropped cable. I let YouTube catalog everything now.

walruskkkch
walruskkkch: Who moderates the moderators?

Basil
You do. Or you’re supposed to. Don’t be falling down on the job.

CayleyGraph2015
cayleygraph2015: What’d you change your IMAO password to?

Basil
m3B031K1Q8GjjkYwxaCqhKfa

HokieGomer
HokieGomer: Who wrote the Book of Love?

Basil
The Apostle Paul.

Oppo
Oppo: In the immortal words of AOC, “Who dis?”

Basil
Some guy named Bob.

Oppo
Oppo: Quo Vadis?

Basil
Romam vado iterum crucifigi.

Oppo
Oppo: How can I get into a poker game with Obama, who said things like “Don’t call my bluff!”?

Basil
You need to hang around a better class of bath houses.

Oppo
Oppo: In the immortal words of Sergeant Foley in An Officer and a Gentleman:
“Let’s get down to it. Why would a slick little hustler like you sign up for this kind of abuse?”

Basil
I want to fly jets.

Oppo
Oppo: In the event of a prolonged crisis, isn’t the Supply Room / IT Department really the best place to be?

Basil
The best place to be is home on the couch. Not that I’m referring to anyone in particular. (Frank.)

Oppo
Oppo: Are “Jurassic Drive” and “Jurassic: Reverse” being considered as sequel titles?

Basil
It depends on the success of Jurassic Neutral.

Oppo
Oppo: What in the hell are the fantods?

Basil
What I get every time I look at the questions submitted to Ask IMAO Anything.

Oppo
Oppo: I’m gassy from all the onions and not a bit sleepy. Can’t we just cuddle?

Basil
Not while you’re gassy, no.

Harvey
Harvey: We know about the name “Evian”, but is there a better backwards word to use as the name of a brand of water?

Basil
I always buy “Decirprevo” instead of the cheap store brand.

If there’s something you really want to know, ask us. We know everything.

Keep in mind that you might not like the answer. But, if that happens, it’s your own fault for asking a question you really didn’t want the answer to.

Leave a question in the comments. Our IMAO Crack Answer Squad will answer some of them, and I’ll pick up the rest. Or, you can email us your questions at Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com. We’ll share our vast, infinitely infinite knowledge with you.