I love Weird Al.
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Archive of entries posted on 17th May 2019
If You Can’t Say Something Nice…
Israel-hating congresswoman Rashida Tlaib said a friend advised her, “maybe talk like a fourth grader because maybe the racist idiots would understand you better”
Maybe, although if actual fourth graders were around, it’d probably be better for them if she didn’t speak at all.
Another Place It Went off the Tracks
[The Last Jedi – How Comedy Can Kill A Movie] (Viewer #1,086,558)
A reason to hate Last Jedi that I never thought of, but have to agree with.
Link of the Day: You Can’t Beat Two-Word Advice
[High Praise! to Townhall]
My Simple, Effective Comprehensive Illegal Immigration Reform Plan: Go Home
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Trump Truths: Read
In response to Democrats holding a Mueller Report read-a-thon on the House floor, President Trump challenged them to do the same for Hillary’s emails.
Medicare for All!
Kamala Harris Comes Out As 76-Year-Old White Man, Now Leads 2020 Dems In Polls
Harris spends the morning practicing “awkwardly close and too handsy” photo ops
Senator Harris held a press conference to give her take on what was, to some, a startling transformation of both identity and fortune.
“Some people,” said Harris “have accused me of pulling a cheap stunt to try to jumpstart my flagging campaign, but nothing could be further from the truth. From as far back as I can remember – or at least the beginning of this month – I knew that I could no longer keep pretending about who I really was. And whether it cost me votes, or – as it turned out – gained me votes, it didn’t matter. I had to be true to who I knew I was on the inside – and who voters wished I was on the outside.”
“I know what I look like on the outside,” continued Harris, “but I implore you: don’t judge me by the color of my skin, but rather by the content of my character. And my character, at least for this election, is an old white guy. One who gaffes and has charming quirks… and who makes liberals feel comfortable in a way that’s uncomfortable to explain to pollsters and your liberal friends. Well, I’m here to take your white guilt and shame away, because I’m white too, now.”
“But again, please, don’t judge me by the color of my skin, but rather by the color I tell you my skin is.”
“Oh,” Harris added, “and because of the gender change, I had to pick a new name. Minor switch, really. It’s Cameron now. So you can still call me Cam. But now it’s Cam with a C. And I mean you actually have to say ‘Cam with a C’. Don’t you dare deadname me or I will cut you. Or maybe just sue you… that’s how white people threaten each other, right? I’m still so new at this.”
“Also,” concluded Harris, “I still haven’t decided on my preferred pronoun yet. I’ll let you know after you get it wrong.”
Early reactions to the change seemed generally supportive. One of Harris’s campaign workers, Sophia Oliver, could hardly contain her admiration.
“I’ve always thought of her as a strong and courageous woman of color,” said Oliver, “but coming out as a white guy somehow makes her seem even stronger and courageouser. Is courageouser a word? Well, it is now. Take THAT white patriarchy!”
“Oh…no offense, Cam… uh… with a C.”
While early polling does seem to indicate this is a positive step for Harris’s campaign, the campaign’s manager, Juan Rodriguez, advised caution.
“People are idiots and the electorate is fickle. If Cam so much as guesses correctly how many letter are in the word J-O-B-S, the wave could collapse tomorrow. It’s tough being a America’s favorite creepy uncle. Biden just makes it look easy.”
At press time, Rodriguez had been cut and sued for leaving off “with a C”.
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< Democrats’ New College Loan Forgiveness Bill to Include Free Degrees for Everyone
Straight Line of the Day: Elizabeth Warren Said the One Place You Will Never See Her Is…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
Elizabeth Warren said the one place you will never see her is…
The Illustrated Frank J: Better Left Unsaid
Ask IMAO Anything: Answers #6
To help you end your Friday smarter than you began it, we present the answers to another round of questions sent in by you, you Loyal IMAO Readers you.
Some of the questions posted in the comments last time were answered in the comments by others in the IMAO Crack Answer Squad (yeah, we’re still looking for a name for that). Others, though, we’re answering now. And, maybe a clarification on one or two that were already answered.
HokieGomer: Would you rather live in the ascendancy of a civilization or it’s decline?
Ascendancy. I’ve had enough of Democrats in office.
cayleygraph2015: How do you type with boxing gloves on your hands?
Poorly.
walruskkkch: When cataloging a biography do you prefer CT or the Subject number? And why.
I quit watching Biography years ago when I dropped cable. I let YouTube catalog everything now.
walruskkkch: Who moderates the moderators?
You do. Or you’re supposed to. Don’t be falling down on the job.
cayleygraph2015: What’d you change your IMAO password to?
m3B031K1Q8GjjkYwxaCqhKfa
HokieGomer: Who wrote the Book of Love?
The Apostle Paul.
Oppo: In the immortal words of AOC, “Who dis?”
Some guy named Bob.
Oppo: Quo Vadis?
Romam vado iterum crucifigi.
Oppo: How can I get into a poker game with Obama, who said things like “Don’t call my bluff!”?
You need to hang around a better class of bath houses.
Oppo: In the immortal words of Sergeant Foley in An Officer and a Gentleman:
“Let’s get down to it. Why would a slick little hustler like you sign up for this kind of abuse?”
I want to fly jets.
Oppo: In the event of a prolonged crisis, isn’t the Supply Room / IT Department really the best place to be?
The best place to be is home on the couch. Not that I’m referring to anyone in particular. (Frank.)
Oppo: Are “Jurassic Drive” and “Jurassic: Reverse” being considered as sequel titles?
It depends on the success of Jurassic Neutral.
Oppo: What in the hell are the fantods?
What I get every time I look at the questions submitted to Ask IMAO Anything.
Oppo: I’m gassy from all the onions and not a bit sleepy. Can’t we just cuddle?
Not while you’re gassy, no.
Harvey: We know about the name “Evian”, but is there a better backwards word to use as the name of a brand of water?
I always buy “Decirprevo” instead of the cheap store brand.
If there’s something you really want to know, ask us. We know everything.
Keep in mind that you might not like the answer. But, if that happens, it’s your own fault for asking a question you really didn’t want the answer to.
Leave a question in the comments. Our IMAO Crack Answer Squad will answer some of them, and I’ll pick up the rest. Or, you can email us your questions at Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com. We’ll share our vast, infinitely infinite knowledge with you.
So, Why Does This Bother You?
Democrat Senator Elizabeth Warren said she would never do a Town Hall meeting on Fox News, calling the network a “hate-for-profit” racket.
Well, I believe her. I just don’t believe that it’s the hate part she objects to.