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November 30, 2003
November 28, 2003
The Freedom of Wireless LAN
Currently I write this from my living room while watching The Two Towers: Extended Addition on my widescreen TV.
Anyway, do not fret, IMAO fans. I am going to return Monday to begin a week of posting of which the likes you have never seen! That's right... more than one post a day! To help out, you can e-mail me more questions with the subject "Frank Answers" for the return of Frank Answers™.
Plus, you will learn how to help me become rich and famous plus all the reasons you should buy my new t-shirt.
See you soon, and I hope you're having a great holiday.
November 25, 2003
Free Ice Cream Closed
Do to business/laziness, I'm not going to have time for more posts this week. I may post more, I may not, but if I don't, happy Thanksgiving.
Starting next monday, though, will be the bestest week of IMAO, guaranteed. Tons of the funniest post all so I can whore my t-shirt and start the make Frank rich and famous club.
Now I must rest and let the funny build inside me in preparation.
Until then, buy my t-shirt.
November 24, 2003
Link of the Day
At Front Line Voices we have a somewhat different letter, one from a fourteen year old girl written after her father was killed in Iraq. Please give it a look.
As for Front Line Voices, we're having a bit of trouble because we need more help, both in getting submission and having people to verify them. I'll probably put out another formal call for volunteers after this holiday weekend.
Daily Buy My T-Shirt Reminder
I just looked at how many people have pre-ordered my t-shirt and compared it with the population of the world and have come to the conclusion that not everyone has pre-ordered my t-shirt yet. What is wrong with you? Do you not recognize a great deal when you see one?
You buy now!
In My World: Negotiating the Medicare Bill
"Who is the mysterious protestor sniper?" Bush said to himself as he aimed his rifle. "Know one knows, for he strikes deadly and quietly."
"Are you sniping people again?" Laura Bush asked angrily.
"Just with rubber bullets," Bush answered defensively.
Laura picked up some of the bullets. "These look like copper tipped."
"Uh... copper is a type of rubber."
"I'm taking your gun away," Laura said, snatching the rifle, "Now you play nice."
"Now what I'm going to do?" Bush moaned as Laura walked off.
Out of the shadows emerged the cloaked figure of Karl Rove. "You must focus on getting the Medicare bill passed. The Democrats want it to be an issue, and it must be denied. So speaks the elders."
"Don't worry there, Rover," Bush answered, "I'm just about to negotiate with some Democrats. I'm sure I'll know how to sweet talk them."
"Do not fail," Rove warned ominously as the shadows consumed him.
Senator Tom Daschle then entered Bush's office. "I know you wanted to talk to me, but I won't vote for this Medicare bill because of... uh... seniors and... uh... yadda yadda."
"I understand your concern," Bush said, approaching Daschle, "but you should hear what I have to say." He then started repeatedly bashing Daschle's head into the top of the desk. "Now you vote for that bill, you slimy weasel! I'm a big man! I'll hurt you good!"
Suddenly, the wall gave way as Ted Kennedy came crashing through. "Grerawerr!Ē You're trying to privatize Medicare! Me filibuster! Me destroy!"
"Oh no!" Bush exclaimed, "It's Big Fat Teddy K! And he's come to eat me!" Bush then tossed Daschle out the window and hid under his desk.
"Grerawerr!Ē Big Fat Teddy K exclaimed as he swatted the desk aside with his massive arm.
Bush cowered in fear, but then he spotted Chomps out in the hallway. "Attack! Chomps! Attack!" Bush called out.
Chomps ran into the office and started savagely attacking one of the paintings on the wall. "Hey! I didn't like that painting either," Bush said, "but it was a present form my mother-in-law and it's not the time for art criticism." Bush then rolled to his feet and started running before Big Fat Teddy K could stomp him.
Bush soon found his wife who was washing dishes in the kitchen. "Quick, Laura," Bush yelled, "I'm negotiating the Medicaid bill and I need my shotgun."
"It's the Medicare bill, dear," Laura corrected him, "and you'd know where your shotgun is if you'd put it back on the shotgun rack after using it."
Bush could hear the roar of Big Fat Teddy K and kept moving. He then ran into Scott McClellan. "Hey, Scott," Bush said to him, "wave your arms in the air and say, 'I want to cut taxes.'"
"Just do it!"
Scott waved is arms in the air and said, "I want to cut taxes!"
"Grerawerr!" Big Fat Teddy K roared in rage upon seeing Scott.
"Eep." Scott ran off with Big Fat Teddy K in pursuit.
Bush let out a sigh of relief. "That was a close one."
Senator John Edwards then walked up to Bush. "I just want to tell you I'm not going to vote for that..."
Bush punched Edwards in the face.
"Okay, I'll vote for the bill!" Edwards said as he ran away crying.
Now Daschle came back followed by some police. "Thatís the man who assaulted me!" Daschle yelled as he pointed at Bush.
"So what," Bush answered, "I pardon myself. Plus, I reverse pardon Daschle for the charge of indecency since he's such a slimy weasel."
"You can't do that!" Daschle declared.
"That's for the courts to decide," one of the officers said as he slapped cuffs onto Daschle. "Now let's get you back to the federal penitentiary, you pervert."
As soon as Daschle was led away, Karl Rove materialized. "Have you handled the problem?"
"Negotiating is hard," Bush complained, "Want to play some Mario Kart, Rover?"
Rove vanished back into the darkness once again just as if he had never been there.
"Man, that guy is no fun."
November 21, 2003
My Excuses for Not Being Funny
I know I said I wasn't able to write anything funny today, but I decided I owe you, my readers, more of an explanation.
TOP TEN REASONS I DIDN'T HAVE A FUNNY POST TODAY
10. I was too busy with other projects to put the proper time behind a post (those videogames don't play themselves).
9. I'm now a militant feminist and no longer find anything funny.
8. I was going to write a post about how stupid dirty, smelly hippies are, but then I got worried I might hurt the feelings of a stupid, dirty, smelly hippy.
7. I realized that politics is a serious topic, and should never be made light of.
6. A pink cardboard tank convinced me the war was wrong.
5. I'm too sad to write humor since Glenn Reynolds blended my puppy.
4. I got an obscenity and grammatical error filled hate mail that really made me rethink my positions.
3. A monkey done bit me!
2. I thought humorous posts would distract from my t-shirt sales. BTW, buy my t-shirt!
And the number one reason I didn't have a funny post today...
Because I know you'll visit anyway! Bwa ha ha ha!
All Funnied Out
I'm all funnied out and couldn't write a post for today. All I can think of is serious things like quantum physics. Maybe you can visit the blogs on my sidebar which may or may not be funny.
Oh yeah, and buy my shirt!
UPDATE: Read tiger. He likes to whine how I don't read him; it's funny. Maybe later I could find a muckadoo for us to go bother (one with comments). Suggestions will be accepted.
UPDATE: A worthy cause for the Alliance.
Now there are some muckadoos.
November 20, 2003
Liberals Are Going to Kill Us!
Look at this post by some long-winded muckadoo! Somewhere inside it (I didn't read it all 'cause it's long) he accuses me of facism and doesn't seem to understand that I am not actually calling for violent action. So I was thinking, why wouldn't he understand my post as a joke? Then it struck me: he doesn't understand that my calling for violence against liberals is a joke because he seriously considers violence against conservatives! It's the only logical explanation! Liberals are considering killing us, and we have to get them first!
I am not being alarmist.
Know Thy Enemy: Protestors
Terrorists are horrible, but I have a t-shirt to handle them. Who are also as annoying, though, are protestors. Since Bush is encountering so many protestors while in Britain, I thought I'd put my crack research staff on finding out as much information about protestors as they could. Here's what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT PROTESTORS
* They are called "protestors" because there is something which they "protest". Only God know what, though, because they're so damn incoherent.
* Much like the pineapple, protestors start with a 'p'.
* Protestors like to yell a lot, but it's hard to hear what they're saying. It's probably about how much they like Saddam and dictators since them being deposed seems to really get them riled.
* Protestors try to make their message clearer by waving signs around. Apparently they don't think there should be trade between the Red Cross and Exxon.
* A number of protestors these days are anarchists. They can be identified as the protestors who can't properly pronounce what they are.
* Large scale protests rarely change things because people don't want to share opinions with smelly, yelling people.
* To protestors, the day they protest is known as "action day". To police, it's known as "whomping day".
* If you're a police officer and it looks like protests are getting out of control, shoot a protestor. I thought I saw him going for a gun too (wink) (wink).
* Like bees, protestors operate in swarms, but they don't produce anything useful like honey.
* In America, the right to protest is guaranteed by the First Amendment, but I don't think it's a coincidence how that one's directly followed by one saying we should have guns.
* Whatever you do, don't let protestors touch you! It will make you annoyed.
* There are rarely large scale protests by right-leaning people on account of them having things called dignity and jobs.
* By the principles of basic physics, sound can be nullified by hitting it with the same sound with the sound wave offset by ninety degrees. So, to nullify the yelling of protestors, blast them with the recording of monkeys screeching.
* You make monkeys screech by dangling bananas in front of them but never giving them to them. Stupid monkeys. What are they going to do anyway? Take over the world and blow up the Statue of Liberty?
* Much like fire, protestors need oxygen to survive. Also like fire, denying protestors oxygen can cause them to die out.
* In another similarity to fire, dousing protestors with water can help quell them.
* Speaking of water, in a fight between protestors and Aquaman, Aquaman would soon be running around waving a sign saying how old forest logging is endangering the sea turtle.
* Maybe if the song "Don't Worry; Be Happy" were played over loudspeakers, protestors would stop protesting as they no longer worried and were now happy. It's worth a shot.
* Another idea is tear gas, but that will probably cause them to worry and not be happy. Screw them.
November 19, 2003
T-Shirt Whoring to Come
If you remember for the last t-shirt, I had a whole week of t-shirt whoring to celebrate, but I waited until the shirts were ready to ship. This time, we want to gauge interest from pre-orders, so the week of t-shirt whoring will occur the week following the Thanksgiving holiday. At the same time I will start membership of the make Frank rich and famous club, and outline all benefits charter members will receive when I am rich and famous (such as verifiable proof that you know someone rich and famous). The first action will be a readership drive (a higher readership being needed for my current rich and famous plans). More details as my brilliant mind comes up with them.
I'll need the bestest posts ever for that week. There are a number of Know Thy Enemy™ topics I've been sitting on for a special occasion, and you can now vote on the sidebar for one of them.
Frank Answers™ will also return. Since I lost all previous questions in the great e-mail fire of '03, I need more sent to me with the subject "Frank Answers".
Also, I'll take suggestions for any special In My World™ scenario you've always wanted to see.
I'll also post a sample chapter from the book I'm working on which is a scientific analysis of the left as someone only as smart as me could do.
BTW, Meryl Yourish liked my t-shirt so much she made me an honorary Jew. Maybe I can weasel my way into the Zionist Conspiracy now...
Now buy my t-shirt!
In My World: O'Reilly Factor Transcript - Interview with Donald Rumsfeld
Bill O'Reilly: Next up on the Factor is Secretary of the Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
Donald Rumsfeld: Where the hell are you? What is this?
O'Reilly: It's a satellite hook-up. Secretary.
Rumsfeld: Then how am I supposed to strangle you if you enrage me?
O'Reilly: (laughs) I guess you'll just have to come over here.
Rumsfeld: I will. Start your questions!
O'Reilly: So what is your opinion of how things are going in Iraq?
Rumsfeld: Excellent. Our enemies are being slaughtered in mass numbers.
O'Reilly: But there are many who don't like America.
Rumsfeld: And they will die! We will hunt them down and kill them like dogs. Actually, I was just on a dog hunt this morning.
O'Reilly: Fair enough. Now some people say that you have botched the occupation and...
Rumsfeld: They will die as well!
O'Reilly: But you have to admit that some people can perceive that things aren't going so well in Iraq...
Rumsfeld: And some people will be strangled by my own hands!
O'Reilly: Come on, Secretary. This is the no spin zone. Are we supposed to believe you can actually strangle everyone criticizing you?
Rumsfeld: Are you questioning me, you impudent fool! I know where you live which will soon be known as where you died!
O'Reilly: In all respect, Secretary, you're just dodging the question now. Now, what about...
Rumsfeld: Each time you speak, you add that much more pain to your death...
O'Reilly: Hey, it's my show and I get to talk so...
Rumsfeld: You pompous prick! I will rip your guts out with my teeth then...
O'Reilly: Cut his mike. Okay, now I get to talk, Mr. Secretary. A lot of people think you have not committed enough troops to Iraq, and I want a "no spin" response to that accusation. Put his mike back on.
Rumsfeld: ...it down your neck. Your blood will paint the entire...
O'Reilly: You're still not answering the question.
Rumsfeld: Sorry, could you repeat it?
O'Reilly: The question was about how people think you have failed in Iraq and...
Rumsfeld: And I said I'd kill them. What don't you understand?
O'Reilly: But that's not answering...
Rumsfeld: Why must I answer the concern of people who will be dead?
O'Reilly: Your just repeating the same tired old lines. You can't possibly kill all of them when you didn't even successfully kill Steve Doocy. In fact...
Rumsfeld: I'll show you! Rarr!
O'Reilly: And apparently the Secretary has destroyed the satellite connection. Well, I guess he couldn't stand the no spin zone. On to our next topic: why must our tax money go to NPR douche bags who won't allow a fair discussion of my new book, Who's Looking Out for You. With us, we have some idiot from NPR.
NPR Idiot: Now, I'd just like to point out...
O'Reilly: Quiet! There's breaking news... Apparently a group of about a hundred protestors has been found strangled to death. Police think it's the work of the so-called "Rumsfeld Strangler", as a note was found at the scene reading, "I, Donald Rumsfeld, strangled these guys, and now I'm coming after Bill O'Reilly." Police are currently deciphering what that's supposed to mean, and we'll have more information as it become available. Now, back to the NPR Idiot... hmm, he seems to have been strangled to death. Guess yet another person couldn't stand the "no spin zone". As for the most ridiculous item of the day... ack... erk...
November 18, 2003
New T-Shirt! New T-Shirt! New T-Shirt! Buy Now!
Did you miss out on buying a Nuke the Moon t-shirt? Well take the gun away from your head, because a brand new IMAO t-shirt is available for preorder!
Now you can have the humor of IMAO with you at all time while informing your fellow citizens about terrorism. Is there anything better than that?
No, there is not.
Plus, all proceeds go to charity... the make Frank rich and famous charity.
Anyway, place your preorders so we know how many of these babies to make.
Bite Sized Wisdom: French Demands, Anti-Semitism Out of Control, Bush in London, Our Kick-Ass Friends, Lamentations of a Chickenhawk, and Make Frank Famous
* We're hoping to have a new government in Iraq by June 2004, but France is demanding one by the end of the year. First they're not only no help, but they work against us, and now they're trying to make demands on how to handle the liberation they didn't support. I know it's unprecedented, but the U.S. should just bomb France for being a bunch of douche bags. Just fly over them and drop a couple bombs on them. It'll shut them up, and probably be an important learning experience for them.
* As I showed earlier, anti-Semitism is completely out of control since it's now ever targeting Irish Catholics. What is it with those who hate Bush and hate liberating Iraq also hate Jews? I just love the irony of how they're basically saying, "Bush is turning America into Nazi Germany... and it's all because of the Joooos!"
* They sure have a lot of security for Bush for his visit to London. If I were president, I wouldn't have any security and instead just carry a .44 magnum with a scope. First protestor to get within shouting distance... POW! Those dimwits will scatter like rats. And it's perfectly legal to kill people while in another country because their laws don't apply to us.
* Britain has been a great ally, by the way, as have many others. Italy has really shown what their made of by reacting to the cowardly attack against them with even more resolve. Who cares if we don't have the whiniest nations on board with us; all the most kick ass nations are already helping us out. We should like get together later and take over the world; I think the world would be a lot better for it. We could call ourselves the "Axis of Allies" or maybe just the "Super Friends".
* Arnold is now officially governor. Expect to find a legislator's head mysteriously crushed within a week.
* Dean is attacking Gephardt, Dean saying how he, unlike Gephardt, didn't want the Iraqis liberated and would not support money to help our troops and the poor Iraqis. Why has my opinion of Gephardt suddenly grown?
* In monkey news, Indonesia farmers are having their crops destroyed by monkeys. Quote one farmer, "All my corn plants have been destroyed. I don't dare do anything. If I throw stones to drive them away, the monkeys throw them back." Of course, environmentalists are blaming this on illegal loggers as they always do. Sure, blame everyone except for the monkeys.
* That Tom Tomorrow comic about chickenhawks made me be a bit introspective: am I a horrible chickenhawk? When the attack on 9/11 occurred, I thought that some big war was coming, and I informed my boss that, if they made the call for more recruits, I'd have to quit my job and join up. When that never happen, I considered doing the reserves or National Guard, but that takes like weeks of training and sounds hard. What I'd be willing to do, though, is use a week of my own vacation to do some quick training, fly over to the Middle East, and kill some terrorists. I don't want to be the only person on the block not to kill any.
* Actually, that might make a great tourist outing: terrorist safaris. Pay big bucks, and we help you hunt terrorists. Maybe we could even get Steve Irwin to help out:
"Those terrorist can be quite wily, and nothing pisses them off like implying that they're homosexual. Just watch this. Hey! Omar! Who's that next to you? Your boyfriend? Crikey! He's trying to kill me now! Isn't he beautiful?"
* I really like the idea of setting the goal of me being rich and famous by the end of next year. I'm working on a couple things now, such as doing more rewrites on my novel and coming up with a book proposal based on humor from my site, but you people need to help to by coming up with other ideas for how I can achieve fame and money and helping me implement them. What I think could help me is growing the readership numbers on my site to give me more clout, thus I'm thinking of, instead of having a pledge drive, to have a readership drive. I'll have more details on that as I think it up. I'll also come up with an official name for the make Frank famous movement, and benefits for charter members for when I actually am rich and famous, such as, at book signings, you can go to the front of the line. Remember, if I get rich and famous enough, I could probably have Ted Rall disappeared. Think about it.
November 17, 2003
In My World: Ah-nuld Takes Office
"Dah! I am governor now! I am Ah-nuld!"
"Yeah, congratulations on getting inaugurated and everything," President Bush said, "I was so afraid I was going to screw up my own inauguration and not get to be president."
"What are doing here, puny president man? Don't you have work to do?"
"I'm just hang'n; seeín how you're doing," Bush answered, "I have lots of smart people back in Washington to keep things under control."
* * * *
"Now that Bush is gone," Rumsfeld stated, "Let's start nuking things. Let's start with Syria."
"Only if we can nuke Finland," Condi added.
"Deal. Does the U.N. advisor approve?"
Chomps barked in approval, causing his blue helmet to slip over his eyes, which indubitably made him angry.
"Now, I don't want to question the wisdom of the Secretary of Defense, National Security Advisor, and a psychotic rottweiler," Collin Powell stated, "but I think going nuclear is a bit rash, and should be contemplated a bit longer."
Rumsfeld stared at Powell a moment. "Let's just cut to the chase: how much do you want to be bitch-slapped?"
* * * *
"I must improve the economy!" Arnold shouted, "It is too puny! And the debt is too big! I must make it puny!" Arnold then grabbed a write up of the economy and held it vigorously. "You improve economy, or I crush you! Dah!" Arnold then ripped the folder in two and started stabbing it with a ballpoint pen.
"Now, they don't let me in most of the meeting about the economy," Bush told him, "but I don't think that's how it works."
"How do you improve the economy then?" Arnold asked, "Tell me, or I will crush you!"
"Well, you reduce taxes."
"And what if that doesn't work?"
Bush thought some. "Reduce taxes again."
"And if that doesn't work?"
Bush thought long and hard. "Reduce taxes again."
"But I also need money to reduce the debt! I am Ah-nuld!"
"Money, eh," Bush mused aloud, "We could do a daring bank robbery... or, better yet, we could go to Vegas and rob a casino. We'll first need to hang out there and look inconspicuous as we case the joint."
"Your ideas are puny!" Arnold shouted, "I will crush them! Don't you have any good ideas for making money?"
"Well, you could always invade a country and steal its oil," Bush answered, "But you'll need a army for that..."
Arnold took out an M-60 from behind his desk. "I will do it myself. I am Ah-nuld!"
* * * *
"So governor of California is invading us, eh?"
"Yeah, what's that all aboot, eh?"
"I dunno, but he just blew up the local gas station, eh."
"Maybe we should do something, eh?"
"I think we should hide... Iím so scared right now I'm almost forgot to say 'eh'."
* * * *
"So is it true that Governor Schwarzenegger has gone on a violent rampage at the advice of the president?"
"It's not that uncommon for a new governor to do a rampage of some sort," White House Press Secretary Scott Mclellan answered.
"Yes it is," the reporter responded.
Scott paused for a moment. "Okay, I got nothing on this one. Anyone want to talk about Iraq?"
"Actually, my question is why did we nuke Syria," said another reporter.
"And you're not curious about why we nuked Finland?" Scott responded.
The reporter thought about that. "No, not really."
November 16, 2003
BTW, I have enough trouble just coming up with a post each day, and I'm really falling behind on other duties. If you are an Alliance member and not on my sidebar, send me an e-mail of your link with the subject "Alliance Add".
Now I'll try and hack out something for tomorrow...
Most and Least Hated In My World™ Characters
1. Donald Rumsfeld
Now, with 818 votes, here are the results of the least favorite character poll, in order from least votes to most votes for better comparison.
10. (tie) Buck the Marine - 32 votes (4%)
Wow; 48 people hate Donald Rumsfeld the most. Anyone willing to explain, or did you mean to vote Buchanan and made a mistake?
And does this mean I should kill off Zatoichi? But who could defeat the mystical blind samurai?
What should I poll about next? Maybe I should put up a poll...
The 'J' in Frank J. Stands for Joooo!
Look at this e-mail I got from someone named Charles:
I think I'm the victim of anti-Semitism! Being Catholic, this has never happened to me before; what do I do?
I bet this is all from calling that liberal a muckadoo, too. Man, that's just how things have fallen apart these days: if you call a liberal a muckadoo, you'll soon have Nazis after you who hate you because you're a Jew even if you're Catholic.
November 14, 2003
Let's Bully Liberals: Treason Online
I'm thinking of adding a new feature to IMAO: Muckadoo of the Week™.
Take a good look at Treason Online. Unfortunately the permalinks aren't working, but it's all wacky anyway. Among references to the usual Nazi stuff, there is also an interesting item entitled "BUSH RAPE ACCUSER FOUND DEAD OF GUNSHOT" Crikey!
Everyone go over and tell him what a muckadoo he is. Hopefully he won't think it's an anti-gay slur like the last one did.
In My World: Fox and Friends Transcript - Interview with Steve Irwin
Brian Kilmeade: We now join Melinda Hawkish straight from Baghdad. How are things going, Melinda.
Melinda Hawkish: Pretty good, Brian. The enemy is being slaughtered as we speak.
Steve Doocy: But we keep hearing how bad things are in Iraq.
Melinda: That's because most of the news reports leave out how much scumbag terrorists are suffering. That's other channels like CNN leave out all the video we have of the enemiesí brains getting blown out.
Steve: Let's see the clip.
Brian: Wow! That's guyís head blew right apart.
Melinda: That's right, and that's what happens to dirty terrorists.
E.D. Hill: And you'll only see things like that here on Fox News - Fair and Balanced.
Melinda: And the fair and balanced view is that America is kicking ass. Don't let any biased media tell you otherwise.
Brian: Thanks, Melinda.
Melinda: By the way, if you ever need someone to sit in for E.D., think of me when I'm back to the States. I promise not to get knocked up as much as her, either.
Steve: (laughs) You're quite the kidder, Melinda.
E.D.: Stay away from my job, bitch!
Brian: Anyway, our next guest has to deal with things almost as fearsome as terrorists. Let's welcome Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter.
Steve Irwin: Hey, everybody, it's great to be here.
Steve: So are crocodiles as dumb as terrorists?
Irwin: No, they can be quite wily. You have to be careful when you deal with those crocs.
Brian: Now, you take quite a different approach to nature shows. Most before you only watched the animals from a distance and didnít disturb them, but you like to run up and tackle the animals and shake them around.
Irwin: You learn a lot from an animal by pissing it off.
E.D.: Do you ever get scared about getting injured?
Irwin: No, because I have a special medical condition where I lack all common sense.
Steve: Sounds like you could be a liberal.
Irwin: Crikey! I hope not.
E.D.: Now you brought some animals with you.
Irwin: That's right. In this cage my wife is bringing out is a king cobra.
Steve: Whoa! Careful where you hold that guy!
Irwin: Now this bugger is actually less venomous than a regular cobra, but he delivers more venom per bite. He could take down a... Crikey! He almost got me there.
Brian: You sure it's safe to have him out like this.
Irwin: I have him under control.
E.D.: Now there is something special about the Cobra's hood, right?
Irwin: That's right. The king cobra can extend the ribs in its neck to make this hood to intimidate other animals. Also, if your grab the snake by the ends of its hood as I'm and doing and shake it vigorously...
Steve: I don't think the snake is liking that.
Irwin: That's right! There's nothing it hates more. Crikey! He's trying to kill me now! Isn't he beautiful?
Brian: He really wants to bite your face.
Irwin: Excellent observation. The king cobra is now trying to eat my face, not, mind you, because it's hungry, but instead because it figures that's the most painful way to kill me. That's how mad I made it! Isn't it beautiful?
E.D.: It sure is angry.
Irwin: Let's put him back in his cage.
Steve: Now this next guy looks less threatening.
Irwin: He can be a nasty little bugger, though. He's a ringtailed lemur.
E.D.: And what's the significance of the rings on his tail?
Irwin: I don't know. But if I grab him by the tail and swing him over my head thusly...
Brian: Wow! You're really spinning that rodent around!
Irwin: Actually, it's a monkey. Now, you can hear its squeal changing as it become angrier and angrier. Now I'll stop spinning him and set him down...
E.D.: He's just staring at you.
Irwin: That's the extremely rare lemur stare of death. Right now he's just absorbing how angry he is but soon... Crikey! He's trying to kill me now! Isn't he beautiful?
Steve: He's really trying to claw and bite you. I've never seen a monkey that angry before.
E.D.: I have.
Irwin: He is so angry, he will not eat or sleep until I'm dead.
Irwin: Let's put him back in his cage. There you go, you angry little bugger. Now let's bring out the next animal.
Steve: Looks like you already swung this one over your head in the green room.
Irwin: No, this animal here is always angry. Actually, he was rated by the Guinness Book of World Records as the World's Angriest Dog.
Brian: That's a thick chain holding him.
Irwin: He shouldn't be able to chew through until the segments over.
E.D.: Wow! He's really chewing away at it. Now, my neighbor has a rottweiler, and it's not this angry. What makes this dog so different?
Irwin: No one really knows. It might be a chemical imbalance in his brain or that he's just highly opinionated.
Steve: Whoa! Hey!
Irwin: Don't worry. He's only angry at your chair.
Brian: Look at him rip it apart.
Steve: So is he part of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"? (laughs) Whoa!
Irwin: Now he is angry at you. Probably didn't like that joke.
Steve: Everyone is a critic. Can you get him to... uh... stop trying to kill me.
Irwin: Hey! Chomps! What's that behind you, boy? What's that behind you?
Brian: Now I've seen dogs chase their tail before, but it really looks like he wants to kill his.
Steve: He's stopped. Now what's he barking at?
Irwin: Looks like he doesn't like one of the stage lights.
Brian: Can we have that turned off?
E.D.: Looks like that calmed him down... or at least made him less angry. Now, you're going to host a Fox special, aren't you.
Irwin: Yes, we're going to find out what is the world's angriest animal, and Chomps here is one of the contestants. The others are Razor, the Eternally Agitated Wolverine, Squeakers, the Schizophrenic Tiger, Rumsfeld, the Enraged Secretary of Defense, and Wally, the Murderous Sloth.
Brian: Murderous sloth?
Irwin: Very slow to move, but very quick to anger.
Steve: He's chewing through his chain again. Are we going to be all right?
Irwin: As long as you don't say the 'f' word.
E.D.: We're a family show, so you don't have to worry about that.
Irwin: I don't mean the four-letter one. I mean the one about cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
Steve: You mean the French?
Irwin: Crikey! There he goes trying to kill everyone! Isn't he beautiful?
Brian: Can't you shoot him with a tranquilizer or something?
Irwin: Not at this stage of anger, I'm afraid. The only thing that will calm him down is mauling a hippy. I'll let my wife let him loose outside so he can find one and tucker himself out.
E.D.: Is that safe?
Irwin: Not for hippies.
Steve: There's one right out the window behind us.
E.D.: Look at the sign he's holding up! We're not right wing! We're fair and balanced. I hope Chomps gets him.
Steve: Looks like he found him...
Brian: I haven't seen that much blood splattered on a window in New York since Dinkins was mayor.
Steve: We'll have to get the window washer out during the commercial break. Thanks for joining us Steve.
Irwin: It was my pleasure.
November 13, 2003
Bloggers Unite - A Cause Worth Fighting For
I'm one who usually stays away from trendy causes, but Don of Anger Management has come up with something that get my full support - making me rich and famous by the end of 2004.
I think this is such a great idea I'm going to put ninety percent... no, make that a hundred percent of my salary behind this. Don makes some great points. I am much funnier than Dave Barry with little time to devote to this, and, if I was rich and famous so I could spend more time coming up with humor, I'm sure I could come up with stuff so funny to make what's on this blog now look like utter crap.
Also, think of all the prestige I'd bring to the blogosphere by being rich and famous; all the other blogs would get more traffic as a result. Plus, all of you could tell people how you knew Frank J. before he was rich and famous, enthralling everyone with your stories.
So who wants to join this grand movement? Charter members will get to ride on my yacht. And remember, I'll be doing all the hard work of actually being rich and famous, while you get the benefits of knowing someone who is rich and famous. I have my own ideas of how to become rich and famous, Don has his, but more would be useful.
I think I might want a different acronym for the movement than Don came up with, though; something about it just rubs me wrong.
On the subject of making me rich, I think we're about out of Nuke the Moon t-shirts. Only XL size is left. The new t-shirt is currently still in the planning stages, and I'll tell you more as I know more. I still plan to post more Peace Gallery photos, especially when my lazy brother finally gets me his, but I lost some sent to me when all me e-mails were wiped out.
A special In My World™ is scheduled for tomorrow. I'm doing it on a Friday since it's not political. Since I donít have work tomorrow, I plan to sleep in, so donít expect the post to appear in the wee hours of the morn. The next chapter of Yvonne's Ashes - Lost in Ninja Forest - will come next week.
Now make me rich and famous!
UPDATE: Last shirt has been sold... but I still want more money!
Frank Tips for Reasoning with Mindless Haters
There are just so many mindless, Bush-hating, terrorist-appeasing muckadoos out there, that it's getting troublesome. Eric Alterman tried to explain how their calling Bush Hitler and complaining about people getting liberated is nice and reasonable (HipperCritical does a nice fisking), only showing how much of a muckadoo he is the process. So what do we do with these idiots who annoy us?
Mass slaughter you say?
No, though we can easily do that, we need to find solution more tolerant, such as showing them the errors of their ways. But how can we teach reason to those who will do all they can to resist it? People at the Democratic Underground will even censor anyone who goes against their tin foil hat nuttiness. They hate America and love evil dictators, and they don't want people to try to tell them different. Thus forceful ways to take liberalism out of them is needed. Here are some ideas:
* Drug Therapy: Probably a dead-end in dealing with hippies since they already have so many drugs in their system that anything else probably won't have much affect. We could try taking their drugs away and see what happens.
* Shock Therapy: Shock therapy works by shocking when bad behavior happens... or is it a shock through the brain to knock out bad thinking? Whatever it is, grab a taser and press it to the forehead of some muckadoo and see what happens.
* Carefully Explain the Errors in Their Logic: They think Bush is like Hitler, so show them the difference. Have them wear a sign in front of the Whitehouse saying, "I hate the government." and then have them wear the same sign in some country like Syria. Maybe they'll understand the difference in the moments before death.
Also, many think Bush is a chimp for some reason. They best way to show the difference is to shave a chimpanzee and put him in a suit so there is a stark comparison. The muckadoos will notice right away a number of differences, one being that the chimp can't order its Secret Service to beat them.
On a side note, if they think Bush is like a chimp, why do they go through all the trouble of making an effigy to burn when they could just set a chimp on fire to protest? Stupid chimps.
* Fireside Chat: Maybe wacky liberals will be more receptive to reason if it's given in a calm setting such as a fireside chat. If not, you can always stick their hands in the fire until they listen.
* Shock Therapy: Shock 'em! Shock 'em!
Did I already mention this one?
* Break Their Knee Caps: If you break someone's knee caps, he's much more likely to listen to reason. I don't know how it works, but it works!
* Reason-Ray: I've been working on a new invention called the Reason-Ray that forcefully delivers reason to someone's brain through inundating one's head with special frequency rays. I tricked three hippies into being test subjects by giving them false promises of free pot, and the Reason-Ray in each case caused their heads to explode. Maybe I need to reduce the power so they don't have such a strong, allergic reaction to reason. Or I could just remarket the ray as a long distance burrito mircrowaver.
November 12, 2003
New School Policy
The Puppy Blender has spoken further about our educational quagmire, mentioning how zero-tolerance now gets kids in trouble for drawing violent stick figures (what else are supposed to do in class; pay attention?).
It's going to get worse, though. My sources from the NEA tell me that schools are soon going to remove acute angles from geometry classes because of how they resemble a sharp edge. This will effectively eliminate triangles from the curriculum, and the only legal quadrilaterals will be rectangles.
Next, they might outlaw compasses because of kidsí natural tendencies to stab each other with them. Well, I'll get you more information as this develops.
In My World: Strangle Rangel
"Ask you idiotic questions!" Rumsfeld yelled at the reporters impatiently.
"What do you think of Gen. Abizaidís statement about using harsher measures in Iraq if attacks don't stop?"
"I agree with him fully. Anyone who attacks American troops must suffer and die in the worst possible way!" Rumsfeld shouted, "Baby Jesus will cry when he see the torments we inflict upon our enemies! God will laugh, though; He's always liked vengeance. Next question."
"What do you prefer: Mac's or PC's?"
Rumsfeld pulled out a .45 and unloaded it into the reporter. "You asked an inane question, and you are now dead; I hope that was a learning experience for you. Someone ask a question while I reload."
"Rep. Charles Rangel has made a resolution asking for you to resign sponsored by twenty-five other Democrats. How do you respond?"
"WHAT?" Rumsfeld screamed in rage as he slapped a magazine into his 1911 and chambered a round. "He will soon be known as 'Charles Strangled'. They will all die! All of them! The Democrat's minority in the House is about to get much smaller!"
"How do you..."
"DEATH! No one questions me! No one!"
"In reagards to..."
"What are you doing right now?"
"I'm putting on my strangling gloves," Rumsfeld answered as he put on a pair of black leather gloves.
"Is that to help you write your resignation? If it is... ack... erk..."
* * * *
"Rep. Charles Rangel, you've made a resolution asking for the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, correct?" asked a reporter.
"That is correct."
"And it was sponsored by twenty-five other Democrats?"
"All of whom were found strangled today?"
"That's what I hear."
"Now D.C. police started to put some correlation amongst all those murders, but then went on a lunch break. Do you think the murders are connected?"
"I don't know," Rangel answered, "I'm not some conspiracy theorist, but frankly I wouldn't be surprised if this was all from acts of terrorism... terrorism Donald Rumsfeld failed to stop."
"It kind of sounds like you just barely survived being strangled yourself," commented another reporter.
"No, my voice has always been this annoyingly raspy," Rangel responded, "In fact, it's really helped me in the House because people will end up agreeing with me just to get me to stop talking - my voice being quite similar to fingers being raked across a chalkboard. Even now, I can see you squirm as you listen to me."
"The bodies of the twenty-five Democrats were all found with notes saying, 'I, Donald Rumsfeld, am strangling these Democrats for their impudence in making that stupid resolution.'" stated a reporter.
"What's your point?" Rangel asked.
"Do you think the murders might be the work of the 'Rumsfeld Strangler' in retaliation for your resolution?"
"How would I know?" Rangel said with annoyance, "What am I? Some forensic scientist? I'll let D.C. homicide worry about that when they get back from their four-hour lunch. Also, I think this 'Rumsfeld Strangler' nonsense is a media invention."
"On each body was a list of the twenty-six Democrats who signed the resolution with your name at the bottom of the list, and the ones already killed crossed off," said a reporter. "On the final body, all but your name was crossed off and written in bold were the words, 'Charles Rangel is next.' Do you think you might be the next target?"
"How would I know how some deranged killer's mind works?" Rangel answered, "Shouldn't you reporters be investigating and figuring these things out?"
The reporters were all silent for a while. Finally one said, "We're actually very dumb."
"Fair enough," Rangel stated, "but I would like to stop focusing on this murder distraction and instead talk about Donald Rumsfeld's failure in Iraq to immediately convert a country that had been under a tyrannical dictatorship into a prospering democracy within a week's time."
"Melinda Hawkish from Fox News," spoke up Melinda, "I just wanted to ask exactly how dumb are the people who keep electing you?"
"No specific studies have been done," Rangel answered, "but my constituents are, for the most part, quite moronic. I would like to remind everyone, though, that, in a democracy, even the stupid deserve representation, and who better to represent the nigh retarded than me?"
Melinda thought about that for a moment. "Well that shut me up."
Donald Rumsfeld now slowly made his way through the crowd of reporters, his gloved hands held out in front of him, tensed for a strangling.
"Well, if it isn't the man of the hour," Rangel stated, "I can tell from your homicidal expression that you're here to announce your resignation and offer an apology to the American people for your failure in Iraq. I would just like to say... ack... erk..."
November 11, 2003
A Good Idea is Worth Stealing
In following the Truth Laid Bear Iraqi Death Counter, I've coded some counters of my own:
French Military Victories: 0
Eh... still gotta work some bugs out of the java script.
Syria Fuels the Brain
Here is a comment from Mars in response to my Know Thy Enemy: Syria piece (this is a cut and past with no edits):
Have you got nothing better to do then talk about Syria?
NEW FUN FACTS ABOUT SYRIA
* Syrians has a not good grasp of the English.
* In addition to sponsoring terrorism, they like to whine when you say mean things about them.
* They apparently believe that mental functioning derives from Syria.
* They admire Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and France.
Grrr! We Want Innocent People Tortured!
This is why we Alliance members have to work harder to beat the League of
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Gitmo, Don't Mess with Abizaid, Gore-bot Speaks, Fed Ex, and Veteran's Day
* The Supreme Court is to hear about Gitmo detainees. Some people are worried that innocent people may be being detained at Guantanamo, but have you ever heard of innocent people hanging out with terrorists in Cuba?
* General Abizaid, are own Mad Arab, warns that attacks must stop in Iraq or he will kick everyone's asses. He was like, "You think you can f**k with America? Do you know who the f**k we are? We can inflict so much pain and suffering on you, that you will let out a sigh of relief when you finally die and go to hell. I'm General Abizaid! You will pray to your god for death, and he will not answer!" Actually, I don't know what he said, but I bet that's what Patton would say (except for that part where he calls himself "General Abizaid"). I miss Patton.
* There is no evidence Iran is making nukes. Good. Less to worry about when we invade them.
* Seen the new video of Gore Gone Wild? He's claiming that Bush used 9/11 as a pretext to consolidate power and then threw a bunch of red meat (or is the better expression "white tofu"?) to MoveOn.org muckadoos. What a whiner. I'm glad we stole the election.
* The U.N. wants to take our internet. The internet is owned by America! Americans created it, and an American invented it (Al Gore), so it is ours. Other countries should feel lucky that we let them use our world wide information network. I say as punishment the term "United Nations" should be forever banned from the internet. So let it be written, so let it be done.
* Fed Ex found body parts in a package and alerted the police. Lessons learned: if you're going to chop someone up and ship him, don't do it through Fed Ex because theyíre a bunch of dirty squealers. Instead, use UPS; they bruise and batter your package so bad, that, if the police get their hands on it, they won't even be able to identify the body inside by its dental records.
* 26 Democrats want Rumsfeld fired. Rumsfeld wants 26 Democrats strangled. More news as it develops.
* BTW, Rumsfeld was on Fox and Friends this morning. Anyone catch it? Was he just like I envisioned?
* Democrat booster Larry Flynt plans to publish topless photos of Jessica Lynch. The guy has to wheel by a flight of stairs every so often, and just one little push... not that I'm suggesting anything!
* So, now you're wondering what's happening in monkey news. Well, Canada is going to infect some with SARS. What if the monkeys combine it, though, with their dreaded monkey pox? They'd have a supervirus fit for wiping out humanity! If Canada causes the planet of the apes, we are so going to beat those canucks up.
* Today is Veteran's day, and I want to say thanks to all the Veteran's out there and take time to remember those who've died fighting for this country, something especially relevant now. I also want to wish a happy birthday to my older brother, Joe foo' the Marine. Veterans, you kick ass.
November 10, 2003
If you're like me, you've noticed that IMAO has new ads. On my sidebar is Poplish. They're a new site so you can make money by writing. Check out their FAQ which is pretty entertaining.
I also have a banner ad. I had no idea how much to charge for a banner ad, so I don't know who took advantage of whom. Anyway, it's for a calendar from everyone's favorite bald man, G. Gordon Liddy, of women with guns and motorcycles. What guy couldn't like that? It also makes a powerful statement for feminism because... uh... well, I'll figure that one out later.
Anyway, check out the ads to show them that advertising on IMAO is a great idea.
Do it now!
In My World: Stop Those Saudis!
"Did you know I was actually behind 9/11? Facilitating. I didn't even suspect that."
"You need to stop reading these left-wing conspiracy newsletters," Karl Rove said, snatching the paper away from President Bush, "You are too easily influenced."
"So I shouldn't join that protest against our illegal occupation of Iraq?" Bush asked.
"No!" Rove shouted, "You need to focus. The economy is improving, thus we need to make sure the American public is on your side with the war on terror. If we can do this, then victory and prosperity is ours. Otherwise, a Democrat will become president and terror will reign, as foreseen by the elders."
"Don't worry, Rover," Bush said, "I just gave this great speech on bringing democracy to the Middle East. Who could be angered by that?"
* * * *
"I am very angered by this!" shouted the evil Saudi king, "We can't have those meddling American bringing democracy to the Middle East. That will mean peace and prosperity for our people. That will also mean they won't be focusing anymore on blowing up Jews, Americans, and each other, and instead realize how tyrannical our rule is. This cannot happen. How can we stop these ideas from spreading?"
"We can blame everything on the Jews," offered an aide.
"But we need new ideas now!"
"Uh... we can blame everything on the Episcopalians."
"Not good enough!" the evil Saudi king said, "We need to go into Iraq and make sure their democracy fails. If the Americans fail, the Iraqis will fail, and then the people of the Middle East will remain poor and ignorant while we continue to prosper. Muh ha ha ha!"
* * * *
"Yes, it was an odd set of circumstances," Condoleezza Rice said, "First Dick Cheney died of a heart attack - no one saw that coming - and then, soon after I was elected Vice President in 2004, Bush died by sticking a fork in an electric socket. People became so enamored by my rule that they declared me empress, and, of course, I had to accept. Now, everyone, let's pause for a moment to worship me and behold my beauty."
"Uh... am I interrupting something," Buck the Marine asked, looking a bit confused.
Condi quickly sat down behind her desk. "No, I was just... uh... planning the future of Iraq. You're Buck, right? Buck the Marine?"
"Yes, ma'am." Buck looked around Condi's office noticing all the marble statues and gold artifacts. "You sure have a nice office here in Iraq."
"Riches help me think," Condi answered curtly, "Anyway, tomorrow is an important day for Iraq. A council is convening to work on the new constitution. Our intelligence suggests that people will be trying to disrupt this meeting."
"Why?" Buck asked, "Who could be wanting to harm these poor Iraqis and us Americans who are trying to help everyone." Buck then thought for a moment. "Oh yeah, for'ners, just like I kill all the time." Buck squinted his eyes menacingly. "I done hates for'ners."
"Good, because I want you to find who is plotting against us and kill them," Condi said, "You will have the help the world's angriest U.N. peacekeeper, Chomps." A rottweiler wearing a blue U.N. helmet entered the room and immediately started attacking a marble statue. "Bad dog!"
* * * *
"Well, this is the building where the meeting will be taking place," Buck narrated, "So whatís your anger sense telling you, Chomps?"
Chomps started growling and then ran off. Buck quickly followed. Behind the building they found a three people standing around a cart. "What are you people doing?" Buck demanded.
"We are but street vendors," answered one, "and are not involved in any terrorists activities whatsoever."
Chomps growled and gnashed his teeth.
"Chomps seems to think you're up to something foreign," Buck accused them.
"Perhaps," answered one of the men, "So I would keep looking at us and not look behind you."
"I am going to keep my eyes on you," Buck said threateningly, "'cause I don't trust you. I think in fact you might be for'ners! So I'm..."
Chomps started barking wildly at something behind Buck. Buck turned around to see a two terrorists sneaking up on him with AK-47's in hand. He quickly fired at them with his M-16 as they fired back. He shot one, but a bullet hit his rifle. Chomps jumped at the remaining one, mouth agape while Buck dropped to the ground and drew his .45, shooting the three around the cart who had now drawn guns as well. Six more terrorists now came running at Buck and Chomps, each firing an AK-47. Suddenly they all fell to the ground revealing a woman standing behind them dressed in black, wearing sunglasses, and holding a Beretta in each hand.
"Is that you, Dr. Rice?" Busk asked, standing up. Chomps coughed up a hand.
"Yes, I thought you might need some help," Condi answered, "I always wanted to shoot people with dual Berettas."
"I didn't need no woman's help," Buck said, "and why are you dressed like some S&M queen?"
"It's my Halloween costume," Condi answered, "I'm Trinity from The Matrix."
"I don't watch sci-fi," Buck answered, "The future is an undiscovered country... and undiscovered foreign country."
"Whatever," Condi answered rolling her eyes, "The important thing is the terrorists have been stopped. I wonder who they were."
"Well I know one type of for'ner that dies like that," Buck answered, "Saudis!"
"If there is some sort of Saudi plot, we'll have to deal with it later," Condi said, "The meeting is starting soon."
Chomps started savagely attacking one of the wheels of the cart. "Something about that cart is making Chomps angry," Buck said. He then pulled a tarp off the top of it and found some weird electronic device inside.
"It's a bomb!" Condi exclaimed.
Chomps immediately jumped up in the cart and then swallowed the bomb whole.
"I don't think it's good for a dog to eat something like that," Buck remarked.
"As long as he doesn't vomit on the carpet on my office, I don't care," Condi said, "Now it's time to make a constitution."
* * * *
"You don't seem dressed for the occasion, Dr. Rice."
"I was just killing people and didn't have time to change," Condi said, taking off her sunglasses and sitting down, "So how do you like my draft for the constitution."
"It's pretty good," one of the council said, "but I think it could do without all the swearing and the explicit sex scene."
"Fine, be a bunch of prudes," Condi sighed.
"Hey, does this say in really small writing that Condoleezza Rice will be queen?" asked one of the council who was looking at the draft constitution with a magnifying glass.
Condi smiled innocently. "That's just an ink smudge."
November 09, 2003
New poll up. Same list as before, but I want you to choose your least favorite In My World™ character. No wussing out on this one; even if you like them all, you have to like one less than all the others.
As for the results of the previous poll, out of 1048 votes cast, Donald Rumsfeld got 39% of the vote in a ten way race with 413 votes. Other than that, the made up characters mainly ruled the charts. Buck was second with 138 votes followed by Chomps with 96 votes. George W. Bush got 87 votes, though, followed by Melinda Hawkish with 76 votes. As a surprise to me, Zatoichi was next with 73 votes. Then came Condi with 54 votes, the barely used Karl Rove with 51, and Laura Bush with 42 votes. In last place was Scott McClellan, who only got 18 votes. I guess Chokehold Boy gets no respect (he's one of my favorite to write for, though).
Comments spam is becoming a new problem. It's only a minor nuisance now, but I'm afraid people filling comments with ads may end up being as bad as e-mail spam. Any smart people out there in the blogosphere know what to do? Iíd hate to have to one day shutdown my comments.
Lastly, I finally have an idea for a full book that will use my style of humor I use on this site. It would compete against the books written by Al Fraken and Michael Moore. If anyone knows any conservative literary agents, I could use some help here. I figure the traffic statistics from my site could help get my foot in the door.
Oh, that's another idea: a readership drive...
New In My World™ tomorrow starring Condi, Buck, and Chomps. See you then.
November 08, 2003
Links of the Week
It's the weekend and I have other things to do than post. Here's some places to find more funny, though.
My sister just e-mailed me this flash animation this morning. This is the reason the internet was invented.
You like humor about Rachel Corrie? Here's Emperor Misha I's fisking/additions to Corrie's Song. And here are some Beatle's songs made to honor Corrie from one of Misha's loyal citizens. You can learn a lot from a bulldozer.
When I read Harry Knowles's review of Matrix Revolutions, I felt like fisking it. Luckily, Lileks did it for me.
And if you haven't read Kim du Toit's essay on the pussification of the western male and the ensuing discussion, you missed a lot.
November 07, 2003
Yvonne's Ashes: Part V - Apartment Living
We first started out staying in a hotel. It was right next to a restaurant where we got our Thanksgiving meal of turkey and ice cream. Yummy. One day, my sister accidentally locked herself in the bathroom. What a dumb little sister. Instead of just operating the lock to let herself out, all she did was cry. I said we should leave her there, but then I needed to use the bathroom.
We soon moved into an apartment complex. I had to go back to pre-school now, while Joe foo' went back to kindergarten. This preschool gave us lunch, but it often had this lumpy white stuff called cottage cheese. Icky. We also had swimming classes there, but then afterwards I'd have to put back on my shoes and I didn't know how to tie them. The teacher tried to show me how, but it was weird and confusing. Worst of all, we had naptime in the middle of the day, but I could never fall asleep there during naptime. So I'd just have to lay there being both bored and mad. Stupid preschool.
I did learn one thing one day. The teacher had a cow puppet who told us that when we eat meat, we were eating it! I didn't know we had to kill poor cows for meat. Guess it's the cow's fault for being tasty.
Outside of pre-school, we'd have a lot of fun around the apartments. There was a pool there, and my mommy got me and Joe foo' water wings so we could swim easy like. My silly sister would just stay in the shallow end. One day me and my sister spotted a bee walking around in a circle on the cement near the pool. It just kept going around and around. I put little toy bucket on top of the bee, but, when I lifted it up again, the bee just kept walking around in a circle. I looked really closely at the bee, and couldnít' see a stinger. Thus I concluded the bee must be harmless. So I had my sister touch it.
Boy could my sister scream really loudly. My dad, who was swimming at the time, almost drowned in panic. Apparently, unlike as shown in cartoons, a bee keeps its stinger hidden inside it most of the time. Good to know for future reference.
One day my silly sister Sarah actually had a great idea. Every morning, mom would give us a Flintstone vitamin before breakfast, and they were yummy. Sarah wanted more, so, when our mother wasn't watching, we climbed up on the counter and got the bottle of vitamins and then ate them all. We had so much nutrients inside us, we figured we were now superhumans. Mom didn't think so when she found out; instead, she called poison control. I had to take a big cup with me to preschool and constantly drink water throughout the day.
When I turned five years old, we had a big party and Mom made me a bunny cake. It looked just like a bunny, with a jellybean nose and coconut for bunny fur. God, I hate coconut. It felt so good being five Ė which made me old and wizened now, that I decided that five was now my favorite number.
Life was good, but one day while playing in the playground, a big furry thing came up and bit me! It was a mean old North American tree monkey, just as mean and vicious as the Alaskan snow monkey! I ran home crying.
"Mommy! A North American tree monkey bit me!"
"There is no such thing, dear," my mom scolded me.
"There is! It's true!"
"You better stop making things up, boy!" my dad told me, "And you better especially not put your made up things on some sort of world-wide electronic conveyance of information if such a thing were ever to exist, because, if you do, I'll teach you some discipline with the back of me hand!"
I could only get my brother Joe foo' to believe me. He had a plan, too: we'd shotgun the monkey to death. Dad kept about fifty shotguns in his closet, and he'd count them every night, so we'd have to be quick with one to make sure dad didn't find out. My brother's plan was that I would grab the monkey and hold him still while he blasted the monkey with the shotgun. I didn't want to grab the monkey because I was afraid he would claw and bite me, but Joe said he'd shoot the monkey quick so that wouldn't happen.
Just as we got the shotgun and were getting prepared to sneak up on the North American tree monkey, are dad found us. He was real mad. He warned us that young kids like us could get killed playing with guns, because, if he ever saw us touch his guns again, he would murder us both. My dad always had a way of explaining things in ways we could understand.
Joe and I probably would have never gotten into anymore trouble after that if it weren't for our new friend Bobby, who knew lots of things... some of it even true.
November 06, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Brush Fires
As we all know, Gray Davis set California on fire in vengeance for people recalling him. It could happen again, and thus I set my crack research team to find out all they can about brush fires so people can be more prepared in the future.
FUN FACTS ABOUT BRUSH FIRES
* Brush fires are caused by the combination of brush and fire.
* The conspiracy between brush and fire started when both became dissatisfied with the government in the 60's.
* If the conspiracy of brush and fire joined with the Zionist conspiracy, then we'd all be screwed.
* I just saw Matrix Revolutions last night. Do you think when anything goes wrong in the machine city, they blame it on a Zionist conspiracy?
* A brush fire has two main modes of attack: burning using its fire and suffocating using its smoke. It also has a special attack, but first needs to power up.
* To avoid brush fires reaching your home, dispose of all your brush by tossing it over the fence into your neighbor's yard.
* If there is a brush fire, you may see panicked animals flee the forest. Stay and fight, you pansy-ass animals!
* If a brush fire is coming towards your house, lock your doors. Fires can't operate locks.
* If you run into a brush fire, don't panic; it's more scared of you than you are of it.
* There is no reason to have lots of brush congregated in one area. Brush should be destroyed... just not by fire.
* If you wake up and find your room on fire, that's a house fire - not a brush fire. Those are common, so don't worry about it.
* A brush fire can be identified by its strong, smoky smell. If you see a large fire coming your way, see if it has a smoky smell.
* Since fire needs oxygen, a good place to store your brush is on the moon.
* Much like the Wicked Witch of the West, a brushfire can be killed by water.
* Water can also kill the aliens from Signs.
* I'm sorry if you haven't seen that movie yet and I ruined it, but someone ruined The Sixth Sense for me and I'm still bitter.
* I don't know if dropping a house on a brush fire would kill it just like it did the Wicked Witch of East, but it's worth a shot.
* That probably would also kill one of the aliens from Signs.
* In a fight between Aquaman and a brushfire, Aquaman would only be able to be identified afterwards by his dental records. If only Aquaman actually had some Aquapowers.
* A giant brush fire can be an awe inspiring site to watch, but it can be canceled in case of rain and replaced with a movie.
* You can't kung fu fight a brushfire. Then again, I've never tried it.
* I once set a hairbrush on fire. It like totally melted! It was so cool!
* Having caught the 10:15 showing of Matrix Revolutions last night, I am very sleepy right now. Hopefully some conniving brush fire won't use that to its advantage.
November 05, 2003
In My World: Fox and Friends Transcript - Interview with Donald Rumsfeld
E.D. Hill: I don't get it? Why doesn't Israel just kill all the Palestinians?
Brian Kilmeade: Well, apparently the U.N. is against that.
Steve Doocy: If you had to decide being blown up by a suicide bomber or being whined to death by a representative from the U.N., which would you choose?
Brian: Well, our next guess knows a lot about killing terrorists. Here is Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
Donald Rumsfeld: To start off, I just want to say I'm here by the President's orders. I never wanted to be on some vacuous morning show.
E.D.: But we ask deep questions!
Rumsfeld: Whatever, blondie. Let's just get this show on the road.
Steve: As we all know, you're very busy with the War on Terror...
Rumsfeld: There are a lot of people alive who shouldn't be, and I'm trying to motivate this administration to do something about it despite the wishes of weaker, whiny countries.
Brian: We were just talking about the U.N...
Rumsfeld: Don't even mention them to me!
Steve: Actually, since you've visited New York, a lot of the U.N. members have been found strangled to death. Would you know anything about that?
Rumsfeld: I know it's a good thing.
E.D.: Anyway, the reason you're here today is to talk about your work with kids.
Rumsfeld: Yes, the First Lady keeps nagging me to help kids. I say kids these days are a hopeless cause, but I'll see if I can improve them.
Brian: And you're trying to make them better prepared for the threats we face today.
Rumsfeld: Can I explain this?
Brian: I was just trying to help you along...
Rumsfeld: Shut up! As I was saying, kids these days are weak, and our enemies pray upon weakness. These days if a child falls down and scrapes his knee, he starts crying like some fruit, and that emboldens terrorists.
Brian: But kids were tougher back when you were young.
Rumsfeld: I'm sorry, Mr. Kilmeade, do I get to explain this or do you?
Brian: Well... uh... I'm just following the teleprompter...
Rumsfeld: There; no more distractions.
E.D.: But the teleprompter is where all my intelligent questions come from!
Rumsfeld: Zip it, blondie! Back to the topic, when I was a kid, we didn't whine and cry like common Democrats. Why, one day when I was six, I took an arrow to the shoulder, killed the Hun who shot it with a wood ax, and then went back to playing hopscotch all without shedding one tear.
Brian: What happened to the Huns?
Rumsfeld: We killed them all. They interrupted one of my little league games and we were fed up. I still have the blood stained bat.
Steve: So what's your batting average in regard to Hun heads? (laughs)
Rumsfeld: You find this funny?
Steve: Well, I...
Rumsfeld: You make another idiotic joke in my presence and I will kill you. Do you understand?
Steve: Yes, sir.
Rumsfeld: Continuing, the point is that kids were tough in my days, but are weak today and in danger of becoming another generation of hippies... just like the terrorists want. And, since you canít strangle to death a whole generation - or so I'm told - I'm trying to steer young kids into becoming rugged individualists with my school program called "Stop Crying or I'll Beat You".
E.D.: Now, some teachers have complained about your program, describing it as nothing but a bunch of yelling and hitting...
Rumsfeld: The teachers are fools! They coddle children and make them weak!
Brian: One says you almost strangled her to death.
Rumsfeld: And I bet she's smarter for it. Kids need to learn to have a strong backbone and be self-reliant.
E.D.: Now, with my children...
Rumsfeld: I don't care about your stupid children.
E.D.: This is a good story...
Rumsfeld: You may think I'm too old-fashioned to hit a woman, but you can find out for sure by continuing to talk.
Steve: I think it's time to take some calls.
Rumsfeld: Oh yay! Let's hear the opinions of people with nothing better to do during the day than call in to a T.V. show.
Steve: All the way from Baghdad, Iraq, we have Buck on the line.
Buck: I would just like to ask Mr. Secretary when we in the military can expect to go where there are more for'ners to kill who ain't hiding. Uh... ya know... a more target rich environment?
Rumsfeld: It is my plan to soon have the U.S. military roaming the entire Middle East, killing everyone who looks like they are in need of it.
Rumsfeld: Don't "ooh-rah" too soon. That's not going to happen while Bush is still listening to that fruit we have for a Secretary of State.
Brian: You're talking about Colin Powell?
Rumsfeld: That's the fruit.
Steve: Next on the line we have Susan from Chicago, Illinois. What's your question for Secretary Rumsfeld?
Susan: I was just wondering if he thinks he's made a mistake in not having enough troops in Iraq?
Rumsfeld: And why in the world would I think I've made a mistake?
Susan: Well... uh... it just seems that...
Rumsfeld: I'm sorry; what's your occupation, Susan?
Susan: I... uh... work in a department store...
Rumsfeld: And suddenly you know all about military strategy then? I will kill you for your impudence! Where in Chicago does she live?
Steve: I don't know exactly...
Rumsfeld: Maybe I can go to the back room and trace the call.
Brian: And there goes Secretary Rumsfeld...
Steve: I guess the interview is over.
E.D.: You know, I agree with a lot of his policies, but I think he's a bit too gruff.
Brian: Fighting Huns when you are a kid can do that to you.
Steve: I bet inside him there's a cute little puppy, though... which he swallowed whole this morning. (laughs)
Rumsfeld: I WARNED YOU! RARR!
Steve: I thought he was out of the studio! Oh sh...
November 04, 2003
Because I've been so busy lately, I've gotten behind on linking to others. I'd be remiss, though, if I didn't point out all the interviewing John Hawkins has been doing as of late. Today he has Michael Medved, yesterday Bernard Goldberg, and last week Andrew Sullivan. Go check them out if you haven't already.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Monkey Terrorists, That Graham Cracker, CNN, Just End It, and I'm Too Pissed Again to Be Funny
* When people see monkeys rampaging in India, they think of Frank.
Numerous alert readers have sent me a story about how monkeys have overrun New Delhi. India is a newly burgeoning democracy, but you can't be a prosperous nation and be overrun with monkeys. As proof, take a look at the good 'ole USA, the most prosperous nation there is and ever will be; are we overrun with monkeys? No. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.
Of course, it took work to clear out North America of its monkey menace. This was illustrated by the tall tales of Johnny Monkeykill who roamed the plains of America killing monkeys left and right. In reality, though, it was an opium-fueled posse that did the simicide, painting our pristine landscape with monkey blood.
Anyway, back to India, monkeys definitely our the main barrier separating the country from prosperity. In the monkeys' cold black hearts there is nothing but monkey evil and a desire to menace and destroy. Thus it was a good step that their Supreme Court declared that New Delhi must be monkey-free. This will anger Hanuman, the monkey god, though, who must also be eliminated. Now, I don't know a damn thing about killing gods, but, anytime I'm not sure how to kill something, such as a zombie or an alien, first thing I do is try my shotgun. Hardly anything can stand up to buckshot fired at close-range.
Good luck, India, and good hunt'n.
* My senator, Bob Graham, will not run for reelection. This is good because he is a Democrat and I don't like them. It's time for Florida to have a Republican senator to combat that other senator... uh... what's his name... Florida does have a second senator, right? Yeah, all states have two senators - even Wisconsin. Anyway, my point is I want my new senator to be a Republican unlike the other senator who I'm pretty sure is not.
* There are a number of abandoned websites out there. I'm serious! It's good we have CNN to tell us things like this.
* Here's another great CNN headline that's a real shocker.
* Tonight, the Democrat presidential candidates will get to debate before our youngest and dumbest voters. Does anyone care about the Democrat's primary anymore? Just end the farce and pick some doofus already. It was funny watching the Democrats implode for a while, but now itís just getting sad.
* I hate Bill Clinton. It wasn't as much his political views (he was pretty much a moderate) as that he was just a complete scumbag, a disgrace to the office of the President. Still, despite my strong feelings against him, there were times I didn't see him as Bill Clinton, lecherous, bloated hillbilly, and instead saw him as the President of the f**king United States of America, and that's when he was attacked by other countries as a way of attacking America and when we had military operations going on. I can't remember Somalia too well, but I know with Bosnia conservatives like me only wished the best our troops and didn't see any tragedy (such as when some troops were captured) as a partisan political opportunity. Whatever disagreements with the leader, this was still our country and our people out there fighting.
But now there are people that, when hearing about a tragedy in Iraq, there first reaction is not horror but delight at an opportunity to attack the president. They cry crocodile tears for our soldiers (these are some of the same people who chase ROTC off of college campuses) so they can attack a president they hate for whatever wacky reasons they have. I pointed out one example, but we hear plenty of others coming from a significant minority. Now I don't brandy this word about lightly, but this has gone from political discourse to just being plain evil - a very mild but growing evil that show a real disconnect from one's fellow man.
There are our men and women fighting and dying out there. They are fighting for us and they are fighting for a people yearning to live free from tyranny. And I just can't understand how the phrase "We are losing a soldier a day," can be followed by anything other than, "so let's get those f**king bastards."
That wasn't funny, but I'm pissed and sometimes I need to vent. I'll be more funny tomorrow.
November 03, 2003
In My World: George W. Bush in "Marked for Death"
"Honey, you need to take out the trash," Laura Bush told her husband a bit irately.
"But I'm busy planning this country's economic future and fighting the war on terror."
"No you're not," Laura answered, "You're watching an A-Team marathon. Now take out the trash. Oh... and someone left a message for you on the front door."
"Fine," Bush said, getting off the couch and turning off the T.V. He got the trash and took it outside and then found there was a message stuck to the front door by a dagger.
"Ooh! A message with a free dagger!" Bush exclaimed excitedly as he took the letter, "The best kind." The message was some weird symbol written in blood. "I wonder if this is a reminder from the blood bank," Bush mused aloud as he walked inside.
"Does this mean anything to you, Zatoichi?" Bush asked as he handed the message to the blind samurai.
Ichi felt the writing. "This says you are marked for death by a deadly ninja assassin."
"Deadly ninja assassin!" Bush exclaimed, "That's the worst kind of ninja assassin!"
"You are informed so that you may live the last hours of your life in constant fear," Zatoichi added.
"It's working!" Bush shouted in a panic, "I am in fear! Oh man, I bet I know why this is happening, too. I should have listened to Karl Rove in Japan when he told me not give a wedgie to the leader of the Yakuza!" Bush grabbed Ichi by the collar. "You gotta tell me what to do, Ichi-san!"
"Three ryo, and I give you advice."
Bush searched his pocket for gold coins. "Here you go."
"My advice to you: make sure your will is up to date. Heh heh heh."
"That's not good advice!" Bush yelled angrily, "I want my ryo back!"
"No refunds!" Ichi said as he held his cane sword in a threatening manner.
"I really need to have less blind samurai in my administration," Bush grumbled to himself as he walked off, "You just can't trust them. Man, and I have this big speech about terrorism to give today, too. I can't back off from that or it will embolden the terrorists... and the last thing the terrorists need is emboldening. This ninja assassin has to be the worst thing that's happened to me during this administration since the fourth time I got my tie stuck in the shredder."
Bush spotted one of his Secret Service. "Agent Smith, I need your help," Bush pleaded, "I'm targeted by a ninja for assassination so I need extra protection."
"Sorry; can't help," Agent Smith answered, "It's a holiday today."
"Uh... the 'Don't Get Killed by a Ninja Protecting Bush' holiday."
"You made that up!"
"Union rules say I can make up holidays," Agent Smith answered as he went back to reading his paper.
"Stupid unionized Secret Service," Bush muttered, and then spotted White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "Hey, Scott, I need you to do something today."
"I want you to give the speech on terrorism while wearing a cowboy hat just like I would and this sign."
Scott looked at the sign. It said, "I am President Bush. If you want to assassinate the president, then kill me."
"Hey!" Scott exclaimed, "Have you been targeted by a deadly ninja assassin and are trying to set me up as a decoy?"
"No!" Bush said innocently, "Why, would you have a problem with that?"
"I've already been shot far too many times on your behalf for just being a Press Secretary," Scott answered, "I'm not going to take a poison ninja throwing star for you."
"You don't know for certain they'll be poisoned," Bush called to Scott as he walked off. "Guess I have to face this one alone," Bush said to himself. He approached Laura. "This may be the last time I see you, my dear wife. I have to go give a speech now, and I may not come back alive."
"Well, if you do come back alive," Laura answered, "Make sure to pick up some milk along the way."
* * * *
"I have to give a speech about terrorism while a ninja is out for my head," Bush said to himself as he stood near the podium, "Things couldn't get any worse."
"I need to talk to you."
"Crap!" Bush yelled, "It's Senator Daschle. I don't have time to listen to your whines, Daschle; I'm trying not to get killed by a ninja."
"But it's important that I talk about how saddened I am by... ack... erk..."
Daschle fell to the ground twitching, and Bush noticed a poison dart in his neck. "Oh no!" Bush exclaimed, "President Bush has been assassinated by a ninja! So says I, weasely Democratic Senator Daschle. I guess that ninja can now go back to Japan while I go off to raise taxes and surrender on the war on terror."
The ninja hopped down from a tree. "You do not fool me, President Bush," the ninja said, "Now you die!" He drew his sword.
"A ninja sword!" Bush yelled, "Nothing can stop that!" Bush then ran off while the ninja pursued.
Bush was soon stopped by a reporter. "Hi. I'm from the New York Times. I was wondering what you have to say about your colossal failure in Iraq due to your poor planning."
"I don't have time to talk about that; a ninja is chasing me!" Bush said and then continued running.
"Ooh, I already have the headline," the reporter said, scribbling in his notepad, "'Bush Runs from War Record, Ninja'."
"Think think think," Bush said to himself as he continued to flee, "Man, I have a hard enough time coming up with plans when a ninja isn't chasing me." He then spotted the ACLU headquarters ahead of him. "Ah ha!" He ran inside, and the ninja quickly came in after, sword held above his head ready to strike. Bush was hiding behind the door, though, and snuck back out. He then whipped out his cell phone.
"Condi, do you have the coordinates of the ACLU headquarters ready for a missile strike?"
"I have it on the cruise missile version of speed dial," Condoleezza Rice answered.
Soon missiles came out of the sky blew up the building, leaving nothing left but rubble. "Ha!" Bush laughed, "Ain't nothing cruise missiles can't solve!"
"Aren't you concerned of collateral damage?" asked a nearby reporter.
"It's the weekend," Bush answered, "No one was in there."
"It's Tuesday morning," the reporter corrected him.
"Whatever," Bush said, "If the ACLU didn't want to get all blowed up, then... uh... they shouldn't have been harboring ninjas."
November 02, 2003
Hey! New Simpsons tonight! Hooray!
Anyway, my In My World™ is written for tomorrow and I think it's pretty funny... but what the hell do I know?
Here is my vote for the New Weblog Showcase. Go check it out. If you're an Alliance member, make sure to vote so we aren't beaten by The League of Liberals who gloat when troops get killed. What a bunch of muckadoos...
I've now gotten about halfway through February with my random quotes. I got a lot funnier this year, so there's a lot for from each month to add. If you want my random quote on your site, just add this line to your html:
Anyway, I'm really busy still, but I'll try and keep the funny coming.
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