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January 30, 2004
Money and Recognition
When I wrote the "PREVIOUSLY ON IN MY WORLD" part to my In My World™ post today, I decided out of whimsy to add a "SPONSORED BY" part and chose Harvey's Bad Money since he occasionally throws a couple bucks my way when he really likes an IMW and was the first loser (i.e., came in second place) for the infamous permalink contest. Now, I'm thinking of making it a permanent feature. For the current asking price of five dollars, you can earn yourself a place in In My World™ history by sponsoring a post. I already have a taker for the next one, but I'll accept for the three after that as well (one per customer). The procedure will be to e-mail me with the subject "SPONSORSHIP" plus what you would like your sponsorship ad to say (I'm going to say up to 100 characters, html tags not counting, i.e., you can have as many hyperlinks in it as you want). If I approve your sponsorship, you will then need to send me the five bucks through paypal along with the text of the ad in the notes. Do not send money by paypal before approval (unless you just like giving me money). This will be first come, first serve. Later, I'll decide whether to discontinue this or to take more sponsors (and maybe raise the price - Muh ha ha ha!).
Jonah Goldberg has not responded to my hate mail. It is safe to assume I have reduced him to a quivering spineless mass. Soon I will be the most recognized, humorous conservative in the blogosphere! Muh ha ha ha!
According to me Extreme Tracking, I should pass the one million mark for unique visitors this coming month. As celebration, I will have a new permalink contest. This one will have only one round to it, as contestant will be selected by a random number generator from those who apply. There will also be a twist to this one and maybe enough prizes that I'll let people without blogs apply to compete too. More details later. Muh ha ha ha!
Well, that really didn't require an evil laugh, but I was trying to keep up the tempo.
Jonah Goldberg Put to the Test
I've decided to find out for myself if Jonah Goldberg is worthy of my admiration. Thus, it's time to see if he can stand up to...
THE HATE MAIL!
My first hate mail to Michael Moore was so devastating that it left him speechless. My second hate mail... well... never got e-mailed since Moore's mailbox was constantly full - probably with lot's of hate mail (though none as rambling and incoherent as mine, I guarantee you). Now it's time to test Jonah's fortitude by subjecting him to my wrath.
First, though, I must set myself in the mindset of a liberal so that I can properly hate Jonah.
Duh, no blood for oil! Free Mumia! Bush is Hitler! I like tofu!
There, mindset achieved. And now to compose...
Ha! Let's see how he takes that. My guess it will reduce him to a quivering mass, allowing me to replace him at NRO. Muh ha ha ha!
In My World: All Hail the Coming of the Lord
PREVIOUSLY ON IN MY WORLD: Bush, to help his reelection bid, hired Jesus as a consultant and... ah, screw it. Just read the damn thing. I'm too busy to summarize it for you.
THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY - Bad Money: A celebration of graffiti currency and other off-the-wallery
* * * *
"So now Jesus has to leave soon since he has to 'save souls' and what not," Bush explained to Scott McClellan.
"So does that mean I get my job back?" Scott asked excitedly.
Bush shrugged his shoulders. "I guess so."
"Yes!" Scott yelled, pumping his fist in the air. "Just one more question though."
"You want fries with that?"
Bush swatted Scott across the head, knocking his paper hat off. "I asked for a value meal, dumbass! That comes with fries! Don't make me talk to your manager, you incompetent boob!"
* * * *
Bush settled down on the couch reading the morning paper. "Why do these black people in Boondocks hate me?" he asked aloud. "Well I hate them!" He then growled as he tore the paper in two.
"Honey!" Laura chided, "Don't rip up that paper before I get a chance to look at it."
"Sorry dear," Bush answered. Just then, the doorbell rang, and Bush went to answer the door. As soon as he opened it, he heard a choir of angels as a Being stood before him, His brilliance blinding yet soothing. He faced Bush eye to eye while at the same time standing infinitely tall. "I have come," the Being announced, his voice echoing throughout all existence.
Bush turned around and called out, "Jesus! Your Dad is here!"
"Oh no! I didn't realize God was stopping by!" Laura exclaimed, "I would of tidied up more!"
"Don't worry," spoketh the Lord as he let Himself in, "The place is immaculate... and I know immaculate."
"Well, would you like something to eat?" Laura asked.
"No, I'm not staying long," answered the Almighty, "and... uh... I'm not really corporeal anyway. But thanks for the offer."
"Have a seat while I go find Jesus," Bush told God as he walked off into the White House.
God sat down on a sofa and relaxed on the sofa. Just then Rumsfeld walked in with Chomps following him, a goofy smile on the doggie face. "You're God, aren't you?" Rumsfeld asked.
"What if I am?" sayeth the Lord.
"Fix my dog!" Rumsfeld commanded, shaking his fist at God.
"He is kinda wacky happy," spoketh the Lord, looking over Chomps.
"Your son wussified him!" Rumsfeld yelled.
"Yeah," stated God, Almighty, "He's always been a love and peace type. Me, I like the occasional smiting of the unbelievers. Haven't got to do that in a while, though." He turned to Chomps. "Hey, boy. Want to do some role-playing?" God pointed to a nearby loveseat. "Let's say that's a heathen. What do we do to heathens?"
Chomps stared at the loveseat. Slowly his smile faded and his mouth closed. His eyes squinted. Ever so slightly the back of lips began to curl as a growl rose from deep inside him. Soon he was snarling wildly, snapping in the air as saliva flew everywhere. Finally, he leapt at the loveseat, tearing it to pieces in a matter of seconds.
"Wow!" Rumsfeld exclaimed, "He's angrier than ever!"
"A dog worthy of the Old Testament," proclaimed the Lord.
“The loveseat!" Laura cried upon seeing the scene.
"Oh, sorry," God said, and then pulled out His wallet. He handed Laura a wad of bills. "Go buy yourself a nice new one."
"Well... uh... can't you just use your omnipotence to fix it?" Laura asked.
"Don't tell me how to be God," the Almighty answered sharply.
Bush now came into the room along with Jesus. "Whoa! What happened here?" Bush asked upon seeing the wreck of a loveseat. He turned to Laura. "Did you make God wrathful?"
"It was Chomps," Laura answered, pointing at the wildly angry dog. For a second, Chomps stopped randomly snapping his jaws in the air to sniff around.
"What is it, boy?" Rumsfeld asked, "Do you smell hippies?"
Chomps barked an angry affirmative.
"Let's kill 'em!" Rumsfeld shouted as they both ran out the White House.
"Come on, Jesus," commanded the Lord as he stood up, "We have lots of prayers to handle."
"Didn't you install the spam filters?" Jesus inquired.
"Yeah, and they sort out all the prayers that mention the lottery or penis enlargement," God answered, "but there's still a lot left to take care of." Suddenly, God's cell phone rang. "What?" God asked, answering it. "No... Really? ...I guess I better get on that." God shook his head as he hung up His phone and put it away. "Me-damn, that Lucifer is such a bastard. Well, we need to get going."
"Thanks for having me over," Jesus said as he and God headed out the door, "If you ever need anything, just send a prayer our way."
"Will do," Bush said, and then closed the door. "Man," he sighed aloud, "I never thought I'd get rid of those two. I guess I learned an important lesson: never mix politics and religion or God will have a dog destroy your loveseat with divine anger."
"You didn't learn anything," Laura said with annoyance. "Now I have to go shopping for new furniture."
As she went out the door, Scott ran in. "So do I get my job back?"
"Yep," Bush answered, "You start right now. The press are waiting."
"I can finally take off this stupid thing!" Scott said triumphantly as he removed his paper hat.
"No!" Bush shouted, "Keep that on. New White House policy is that the Press Secretary has to wear a paper hat for sanitary purposes."
"But... but... that's stupid!"
"Jesus didn't have a problem with it," Bush answered, "He wore his hat to all the press conferences."
"Well... if Jesus did it," Scott said as he slowly put back on his hat. He then moped off to greet the press.
Bush chuckled to himself. "Damn, that guy is gullible."
* * * *
"...and I think that fully explains Bush's motives on Iraq and clears any idea of wrong doing on his part," Scott told the press confidently.
"That may be true," answered a reporter, "but you're still wearing a paper hat." All the press then started laughing.
"I hate you all!" Scott sobbed as he ran off.
Just then, Melinda Hawkish of Fox News showed up with her cameraman. "You’re a little late for the press conference, you whore for the right-wing," said Lefty Stevens of CNN.
"I'm not here for the press conference, you liberal pinhead," Melinda answered, "I'm hosting a special episode of When Animals Attack."
"What animals are attacking?" Lefty asked and then spotted a mass moving towards him out of the corner of his eye. A very angry mass. "AHHH!"
* * * *
He’s Chomps, Chomps, the world’s angriest dog.
January 29, 2004
I Need a New Enemy!
I think I'm done antagonizing Glenn Reynolds. I've exposed his terrible secret about his drinking habits to the world, and now it's time to bury the hatchet. Until we turn the Alliance into the ultimate blog portal, his site is still one of the best places to find interesting news and blog links.
So who should be my next enemy? Margaret Cho seems like an interesting target. She a "professional" comedian trying to encroach on my turf, and maybe I should lay the law down on this wacky leftist. I could start the "Cho Must Go" club.
My other idea is to tackle who used to be my favorite columnist: Jonah Goldberg. In the Corner yesterday, he said that Cosmo is the "it" dog of the American right. I sent an e-mail to him explaining that Chomps is the "it" dog of the American right and demanding a retraction... and he rebuked me! In the same e-mail, he admitted that his last column was a rehash of a theme he's done before. Everyone knows I would never rehash the same theme (that would be as lame as Aquaman). Thus, I've come to one conclusion: Jonah Goldberg is mad - mad with power! And I think it's time I replace him. I'm younger, hipper, and even better at working a Simpson's quote into any written piece.
What do you think? Who should be my next target in the blogosphere?
More as this develops...
Say It Ain't So, Dubya! Say It Ain't So!
I've been hearing rumors that Bush is going to double the budge of the National Endowment of the Arts. We conservatives have been trying to get rid of the NEA for years; we hate art! And we hate artists even more! The only art I find any use for is the martial kind.
Am I missing something? Is all this money going towards sculptures made from the skulls of our enemies? If not, I don't want my money going towards more feces smeared Virgin Mary paintings. Time to really start lobbying the government for a check box on our tax forms that says "Please just spend my money on cruise missiles."
Setting Sites on Kerry
I guess should comment some on who's looking more likely to be the Democrat's presidential nominee: John Kerry. But what's the best way to make fun of a haughty, French-looking Senator from Massachusetts who - by the way - served in Vietnam? Any ideas? I was thinking of making fun of his hair.
The status quo must be preserved even if the whole world must be upheaved in the process!
Frank Answers: Purpuro and Bathrobes, a Frank J. Successor, and Tin-Foil Hats
Miranda from Pick a city writes:
Inquiring minds want to know: Do Samurai wear bathrobes?
Well, the clothing has been compared to pajamas, but I never wear a bathrobe because this is Florida and it is too warm here. Plus, I live in my own house; at who's accord am I being modest?
Right now I'm blogging in jam-jam bottoms and a white undershirt. Take that, Purpuro!
When I become rich and powerful, I will crush anyone who might be a threat to me. There will be no successor! If Wind Rider is any good at humor, he will be destroyed! There will only be Frank! And all will mourn and weep my passing!
Sorry, but Kucinich isn't going to get the nomination.
* * * *
Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.
January 28, 2004
I finally got my t-shirts! I guess Doug wasn't in a rush to get them to me since I wasn't paying for them. Then again, I'm too important to pay for things. Anyway, the it's another masterpiece by ThoseShirts.com; the printing couldn't be anymore perfect (well, technically, there aren't levels to "perfect" so that was a very gramatically incorrect statement, but you know what I mean). Since they started shipping back in December, I know a lot of people have your shirts now. So how are you liking them? I'm going to wear mine to work tomorrow. Discuss, discuss. Buy, buy.
"What are you? A comedian?"
"Well, I'm no Margaret Cho..."
Posted by Frank J. at 05:27 PM | "Well, I'm no Margaret Cho..."&Body=http://www.imao.us/archives/001198.html">Email This
The Blogfather was right: Technorati is fun.
The Meatriarchy shows I'm funnier than Margaret Cho and deserving of a Bloggie by comparing her letter to Michael Moore to my letter to Michael Moore. I remember how my college roommate always considered Cho the eptiome of unfunniness, so this isn't the greatest compliment... but hey, it's better than saying I want to control children, am less funny than women, and want to abuse Max Beerbohm. Check it out.
Probably Won't Win Me More Permanent Readers
Heh heh. I was quoted by Bartcop. Attribution
On a different note, in case you missed it, I plugged Blog Ads for the Blogfather. Mmm... beer.
UPDATE: Since I had trouble finding it myself, the BartCop quote from me is under the big red word "QUOTES". I'm the lead in for his Tues-Wed, January 27-28, 2004 rants.
Further Scientifical Analysis of the Left
I'm still trying to work on my book that will analyze the methods and motives of liberals. I meant to get a whole chapter done yesterday, but something came up and I didn't finish it. Anyway, here is what I got so far, and I'd love to hear some opinions. Is it too zany? Not zany enough?
“Look! It Federal Government!”
Liberals want to take my money and spend it on poor people and children, but I hate poor people and children and like my money. So, you ask, why I don’t I just throw a stick at liberals when they come for my money?
I wish it were that simple.
You see, a long time ago liberals infiltrated the government and its tax system, and now I have to give money to be spent on all the crazy ideas liberals come up with or mean men will beat me up and throw me in jail. It’s horrible but true.
It all happened back in 1913 when people wore funny clothes and hats because they didn’t know any better. Some people were complaining that the rich weren’t paying their “fair share”(1) and thus proposed an amendment to the Constitution to allow income tax. Why the rich people back then didn’t use their wealth to have people with those viewpoints killed is unknown(2), but now we are stuck with the 16th Amendment which allowed the government easy access to our incomes. Soon followed all the programs like welfare, social security, Medicare, etc.; all things that a young, gainfully employed person like me has absolutely no use for.
But in liberals’ twisted sense of reality, this is charity, except that it’s forcefully taking money for others for worthless boondoggles thus making it nothing like charity. When I think of charity, I think of Jesus, and his modus operandi was not to help the poor by taking the money of others at gunpoint and then pistol-whipping them. Actually, I don’t think Jesus pistol-whipped anyone at all.(3) Still, liberals convince themselves that by stealing the hard earned money of others they are doing good, and there is method to their madness. What does control of people’s money equal in simpler terms?
If you raised your hand and said, “Power,” please be quiet while reading. But yes, control of other people’s money is one of liberals’ main paths to power. It will be a reoccurring theme throughout the discussion of liberal viewpoints that they believe that they are the only smart ones and that everyone who doesn’t agree with them is very, very dumb. Thus, in their simple mind processes, the more money they take from people as taxes and spend themselves, the more money that is spent wisely. They think that is a great policy, when, in fact, the more money taken from conservatives, the angrier we get. And making us angry is always a very bad idea.(4)
Now, the taking of the money is one thing, but what these liberals spend it on is just insult to injury. They try to make the federal government help people. Help people! As we common folk(5) know, the federal government is a massive lumbering entity mainly useful for making foreign people dead(6), but the idea of having the federal government help individuals makes as much sense as having Godzilla run a daycare center – it’s more likely to crush people than to help them. But, as the federal government runs amok, breathing fire on people and knocking over buildings, do liberals finally realize their programs don’t work? No! They always answer that the problem is that the programs just need more funding. Why? Because they’re insane – insane with power from your money.
January 27, 2004
Q. What Do Glenn Reynolds and Frank J. Have in Common?
A. We both are horribly abusive to children and want to control women.
I guess that needs some explanation.
Prof. Reynolds mentioned there was a article in Wired magazine about him, and I checked it out to see if they asked any hard hitting questions about his energy drink preferences. Instead, it was a list of his favorite sites. Through some typographical error, IMAO was omitted, but one that was listed was Technorati. I had completely forgotten about that site, relying on trackback pings to find out who is talking about me.
Anyhoo, I plugged imao.us into Technorati and found a blog called "A TCS Blog" that had this to say:
Attachment Parenting is excellent and quite TCS with regards to infants. And when Alice or Camille support it, they are very quick to mention the aspects of it which they disagree with. When providing links to Instapundit or IMAO, however, they rarely add qualifiers like "Just try to ignore the fact that he's horribly abusive to children and wants to control women."
To which I say, "Gwa?"
And what is TCS?
Well, I'm not sure what Dan of A TCS Blog really means, so I do not yet cry "muckadoo", but I would like to clarify my position on women and children:
I would very much like to control women (who wouldn't?), but they are way too moody and emotional for that. Also, I think children are stupid and should be demeaned and patronized. If you think that is abuse - whatever; I don't care. I was once a child, so I know from experience they are very dumb. If it weren't for my parents patronizing me and talking down to me, I'd have probably stuck my fingers in an electrical socket while drinking sweet, sweet Drano. Actually, I think anyone younger than me is dumb and should be looked down upon intellectually. You hear that, 23 year olds? You're dumb.
If those views offend anyone who believes in TCS, well, TS.
Sometimes I don't care if anyone else finds this funny; I crack myself up.
Top Ten Ways Bush Could Lose the Election
It's not a shoe-in that Bush will be elected president once again, so I'd thought I'd list what could most likely throw off his campaign.
TOP TEN WAYS BUSH COULD LOSE THE ELECTION
10. New double-butterfly ballot causes stupid voters to accidentally vote for who they meant to vote for.
9. For his T.V. spots, he hires the people who did those original Mentos commercials.
8. Is unable to prove that that prostitute was already dead before he got there.
7. Loses conservative base by increasing spending, raising taxes, and aborting every baby in sight.
6. Before the election, he fails to find WMD's, Osama bin Laden, and pants.
5. Finally convinces everyone there are no similarities between him and Hitler just before Hitler has a huge popularity boost.
4. Alienates Catholic voters by murdering the pope.
3. It's revealed he is an illegal immigrant and is deported to Mexico.
2. Loses his loveable dumb guy image by curing cancer.
1. Starts new space program; sends men to wrong moon.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Pick Someone Already, My Presidential Campaign, Angry Knowledge Seekers, and Dennis Miller and His Monkey
* Man, I'm getting tired with all this, ya know, political news. Why can't the Democrats just nominate some jerk-off and get it over with; I want to know who to focus my energies on. I still hope Dean can pull through; I'd really like it if the election is a landslide for Bush. Then it would be funny if, after he is reelected, to just piss of the wacky left he comes out and says, "Everyone is right - I am Hitler! And there is nothing you can do about it! Muh ha ha ha!"
* If, God forbid, Bush isn't reelected, then what happens to In My World™? I'm scared.
* Amazon.com allows you to donate to candidates now, both ones with a chance and wacky fringe candidates. They list them all, though not all of them have signed up (you can't donate to Bush through Amazon; they just refer you to Bush's website). I wonder if I can get on there? I'm planning a presidential run for 2016, and it's never too early to start on getting the donations.
Man, I just hope all terrorists aren't dead by then; then the presidency would be boring. Oh, and no one better bomb France until I get into power; they're mine.
* I don't control search engine rankings, but that doesn't keep people from getting angry at me. Usually, if I'm looking something up and find a website that doesn't have the information I need, I just move on. But, apparently some people like to stop and further waste their time by complaining. A great example is this post of mine which it seems a lot of people trying to research types of governments runs into. Look at all the complaining dinguses.
I especially like the people who write in the comment section what information they were looking for, like someone is going to magically accommodate them. Man, computers have gotten too easy to use. I liked it back in the good ole days when the average man feared computers like the early caveman feared the cuisinart.
* Dennis Miller is getting a show on CNBC. I like his politics, and am learned enough to understand about half his jokes, but I question the idea to have a monkey on his show, running around to keep his guests on their toes. If I were his guest, though, he'd soon hear, "Hey, Dennis, your monkey is dead."
"What! How did he die?"
"Natural causes... ME!"
* Sorry, I only had like ten minutes to write something today. Maybe I'll have more at lunchtime. Either way, something longer for tomorrow. Peace, yo.
January 26, 2004
Muckadoo, I Cry; Muckadoo!
Some guy compares my humor unfavorably to some other guy I've never heard of. Well, this jackass reminds me of George Meredith; loves to analyze humor in a pompous tone while actually being as funny as drowning puppies (actually, that is kind of funny; heh heh - bark bark, gurgle gurgle).
That's right; I went there. I compared you to George Meredith, muckadoo.
BTW, I have earned enough this month from my blog to pay my cable bill, and it, including a cable modem and the digital package, is quite a large bill. So take that, you doubter!
In My World: Bush's Favorite Political Philosopher
"I bet no president has stuck more pencils in the ceiling of the Oval Office than me," Bush said smugly to himself as he sharpened more pencils.
From the shadows emerged the menacing, hooded figure of Karl Rove. "In a single scream, the candidacy of the one called Dean has nearly come to end - as predicted by the elders. Now you may face a greater opponent in your reelection, and we must prepare."
"Way ahead of you Rover," Bush said as he flung another writing utensil skyward. "I have hired new help for our reelection campaign. Get all the minds together for a meeting."
"It will be done," Rove said as he faded back into the shadows.
* * * *
In the war room/game room was assembled Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, and Scott McClellan. "What are we waiting for?" Rumsfeld demanded, "As we sit here, countries go unbombed!"
"Bush says he has a surprise for us," Scott said, "Aren't you excited?"
Rumsfeld's backhand knocked Scott from his chair.
Bush now entered the room. "In an effort to help with my reelection - and thus save all your jobs," he announced, "I've hired my favorite political philosopher - Jesus Christ!"
In entered the Son of God. "Hey everybody."
"Wow! It's Jesus!" Scott exclaimed as he picked himself off the floor.
"Aren't you the quick one," Condi stated sardonically.
"By they way, Jesus," Bush said, "Your new nickname is G-Man."
"Alright... I guess."
"So now why don't you turn water into wine or something?" Bush asked excitedly.
"No no no," Jesus answered, "Last time I turned water into wine we were all like, 'We can't let all this miraculous wine go to waste.' Next thing I know, I'm appearing in a vision to John babbling on about a red dragon with seven heads."
"Well, can't you bring Douglas MacArthur back from the dead to help in our fight against terror?" Bush inquired.
"I don't just do miracles on request," Jesus said.
"Aww," Bush moaned, "Well, I might as well introduce you to the guys."
"I already know everyone," Jesus stated.
"Oh yeah; you've probably seen them on T.V."
"He's omniscient, you jackass," Cheney yelled at Bush. He then looked to Jesus. "So, could you tell us what the Democrat's plans are?"
Jesus shook his head and chuckled. "I'm just here to consult you all on the virtues of morality."
"But that's boring!" Bush exclaimed. "Aww, well, I guess you better get to work moralizing. So, everyone welcome G-Man to the team... Hey, where did Rover go?"
"He fled into the darkness at the first sight of Jesus," Condi answered.
"That wacky Rover," Bush chuckled. "Now let's flip the meeting table over and play some ping pong."
* * * *
"I found a country full of riches and oil!" Cheney exclaimed, "It would please Halliburton greatly if we killed them all and stole everything for ourselves. We just need to get the American people against them."
"We could say they're French speaking," Bush suggested.
Jesus walked into the room. "So what are you guys up to?"
"Uh... not murder and stealing," Cheney said uneasily, "Which are against the Ten Commandments."
"So is lying," Jesus said with a knowing stare. "Wouldn't it be better if you two tried to help other countries instead of destroying them."
"We tried that," Bush complained, "but countries still hate us anyway."
"Other countries may not thank you," Jesus answered, "but God will."
"But God has no export potential," Cheney protested.
Jesus took away the binder from Cheney marked "Evil Plans". "There are greater rewards in Heaven," Jesus proclaimed before leaving the room.
"Now I have to make up new evil plans," Cheney grumbled as he left the office.
A frantic Laura Bush burst into Bush's office. "You did not tell me Jesus was going to be here for dinner!"
"Why? Is that a problem?"
"Well, I would have known then to make a better meal and take out the nice china... then again, maybe he wouldn't have liked that show of opulence." Laura looked about ready to pull out her own hair. "Argh! These are the sort of things we should have been fretting about hours earlier! And what if we run out of wine? Oh yeah... he can turn water into more wine."
"He doesn't like doing that trick anymore," Bush informed her.
Laura grabbed Bush by the collar and started shaking him. "That's the sort of thing I need to know!"
"You seem troubled, my child," Jesus said soothingly as he reentered the office.
"No, just getting dinner prepared," Laura said with an unconvincing smile, "It's pork chops, by the way. Also, we'll have..." Suddenly, Laura clutched her head in despair. "Oh no! You're Jewish, aren't you? Well, maybe I could quickly defrost some chicken..."
Jesus put his hand on Laura's shoulder. "I'm sure whatever you prepare I will enjoy. Just calm yourself."
"Oh, I'm calm... I'm calm," Laura said with a nervous giggle. She then quickly ran out of the room.
"She's a nice gal," Bush commented as he went back to doodling X-Wings fighting Tie Fighters on his notepad.
* * * *
Rumsfeld waited in the darkness. As he smelled the scent of pot, he knew his hippie prey was near. His hands tensed for a strangling.
"Whatcha up to?"
"Ahh!" Rumsfeld exclaimed in surprise. "Don't sneak up on me like that, Jesus! Chomps particularly doesn't like surprises."
The rottweiler growled at Jesus. "One of God's beautiful creatures," Jesus said as he laid his hand on Chomps's head. Chomps immediately calmed down and went to sleep.
"What did you do to my dog?" Rumsfeld yelled angrily.
"I helped clear his mind of anger," Jesus answered.
"No!" Rumsfeld exclaimed as he bent down to Chomps, "My poor dog!" He shook Chomps awake. "Get angry! Hippies! Hippies!"
Chomps licked Rumsfeld in the face.
"Have you ever thought that, instead of strangling hippies, you could treat them nicely and pray they see the errors of their ways?"
"No!" Rumsfeld said defiantly, "and, even as you say it, I'm still not thinking of it!"
"Well, remember to do unto others and you wish to be done unto you."
Rumsfeld rolled his eyes. "Thanks, Confucius. Now I need to try and reangrify my dog." He started shaking Chomps again. "The French!"
* * * *
Condi was busy at her computer when she reached for her coffee mug and accidentally knocked it over, spilling it on some of her papers. "Aw... Jesus Christ!" she exclaimed as she went to get some paper towels.
"Someone call me?" Jesus asked as he entered her office.
"No, it was just an expletive."
"Please don't use my name in vain," Jesus said sternly, but not angrily, "It's annoying. How would you like it if every time I stubbed my toe I yelled, 'Condoleezza Rice!'"
"Sorry, Jesus," Condi said with annoyance.
Jesus looked at her computer. "Are these plans for world domination?"
"Maybe," Condi admitted.
"Why must you conquer the world when God has already given it to you?" Jesus inquired.
"Because I want power!" Condi answered sharply.
"But there is no greater power than love," Jesus told her.
Condi sighed. "I don't like where this is going."
"Now I will show you how to conquer the world through charity," Jesus said as he put his hand on Condi's shoulder.
"But I hate helping others!" Condi whined as Jesus led her away.
* * * *
Bush glanced up from his Gameboy to see all his staff glaring at him angrily. "What?"
"Jesus has got to go!" Cheney stated, "If we don't do some random acts of evil, Halliburton is going to be angry, and we all know they are actually in control of this government."
"Yes, we all know that Halliburton actually controls this administration," Bush said, "but we never state it out loud as we are doing now."
"And look what Mr. Peace and Love did to my dog!" Rumsfeld said.
Bush looked at Chomps who was panting with a peaceful expression on his face. "He looks happy."
"Rarr!" Rumsfeld shouted, "He hates being happy! This makes me want to strangle Jesus!"
"Yeah, but Jesus could just point to you with one hand and cause you to choke and then hit you with his laser sword," Bush told Rumsfeld.
"I believe you're thinking of someone else," Cheney said.
"Well, even if you did kill Jesus, he'd just come back to life again and seek vengeance, like that time when he and his girlfriend were killed."
"Now I believe you're talking about the Brandon Lee film The Crow," Cheney stated.
"Sorry; I get always get my deities confused," Bush said. "What film was Jesus in?"
"Moron," Condi sighed. "Anyway, Jesus has got me helping sick children," she complained, "I hate sick people and I hate children and the two combined is just too much for me to stand!"
"And his eternal light cuts through the darkness that is the source of my unholy power," Rove stated, standing back in the shadows.
"Rover, you said the same think about that halogen lamp I bought," Bush answered, "but I can't just give Jesus away as a house warming gift."
"I like Jesus," Scott said, "I was feeling bad, but then he said I'm a unique person of great worth and that God loves me and looks out for me."
"And now he's lying to Scott," Cheney exclaimed, "That's too much; you need to fire Jesus."
"You shouldn't mix politics and religion anyway," Condi said, "This isn't helping Christianity either. There are already some left-wing websites comparing Jesus to Hitler. So far, all they have that they both have facial hair, but they'll soon get more creative."
"And the muckraking is ongoing," Cheney stated, "Apparently Jesus once freaked out in a temple and started knocking over tables."
"Wow, I wonder where they read that from?" Bush asked. He thought for a moment. "If I fire Jesus, though, what about when I go before eternal judgment and ask to go to Heaven and he is like, 'Hey! You're that guy who fired me! You go to hell!'"
"There is some wisdom scattered about Bush's idiocy," Rove stated, "Jesus is from a powerful family, and we don't want to turn them against us."
"I have an idea!" Bush exclaimed, "We'll tell Jesus that, to make sure we always have the best people on my administration, every few months we vote someone off in a secret ballot like on Survivor. Then we can vote him away and he won't know who were the Judases."
"If we all vote against Jesus," Rumsfeld said, "Then he'll know we all turned against him."
"That's the thing," Bush said with a smug smile, "A few of us we'll vote for someone other than Jesus. Then any of us can claim to not be the ones who voted for him to leave and he'll be none the wiser."
"Wow, for an idea from you, that's almost not stupid," Cheney said, thinking it over.
"Come on team," Bush declared, "Let's unload ourselves a messiah!"
* * * *
"So, that's seven votes to one," Bush said, looking over the crudely written names on the large pieces of paper, "I'm sorry, Scott; I guess you're voted off this administration."
"Wh... wh... what?" Scott stammered.
"And I can't believe you voted against Jesus," Condi said with acted shock, "He died for your sins!"
"I... uh... didn't vote against Jesus," Scott said innocently.
"Come one, Scott," Cheney said, "There's only one vote for the Son of God and the rest for you, and someone can't vote for himself."
Scott turned to Jesus. "I hope you can forgive me."
"I forgive everyone," Jesus said with a smile, and then his expression turned more stern. "Eventually."
Bush led Scott away from the group. "Guess we should have planned who was not going to vote for Jesus ahead of time," Bush whispered to him.
"I just can't believe Jesus voted against me."
"Apparently he knows how to play the game," Bush said, "but don't worry; we'll try and fix this."
"So you'll get me my job back?" Scott asked hopefully.
"Uh... yeah... sure - but don't call us; we'll call you." Bush then shoved Scott out the door.
"So I guess you have to take over as White House Press Secretary, G-Man," Bush stated as he returned to the group.
"Okay, but I can't tell a lie," Jesus answered.
Cheney shook his head. "This ain't gonna work."
"Hey, did you hear about all those times the Pharisees tried to trip me up?" Jesus told them, "I know how to handle the press."
* * * *
"So render unto Iraq what is Iraqi and unto America what is American."
"You may have been able to feed thousands of people with five loaves of bread and two fish," said an annoyed looking reporter, "but there are only so many times you can milk that phrase."
"That's the sixth variation of it we've heard today," complained another, "Now we want answers of why the billions of dollars sent to Iraq have disappeared and Halliburton, instead of building schools for Iraqi children, has been found forcing the children to make Rolex knock-offs for three cents an hour."
"Well... uh..." Jesus mumbled as he loosened his collar. "Hey! Look! Water into wine!"
January 25, 2004
A reader pointed out to me that this post had become saturated with spam comments (looks to be over a hundred). I'm currently in the process of cleaning it up by adding all those links to my spam blocker. If anyone notices any other post that is heavily spammed, please e-mail me. For those who liked the synergy between IMAO humor and hardcore porn links, I apologize.
Also, a couple readers have pointed out that the new Zatoichi movie made last year has gotten an American distributor and will come out this summer. See the trailer here. I'm waiting to see how the actor who plays Zatoichi in this will compare to the original.
BTW, new In My World™ tomorrow morning with a very special guest.
January 24, 2004
We Have More T-Shirts Than We Thought...
...but not a larger quantity. Ends up that wacky Doug of ThoseShirts.com had made some 3XL versions of the Know Thy Enemy: Terrorist t-shirt but forgot to list them as available to buy. Well, he's fixed that, so if you wanted the largest IMAO t-shirt available, get it now! Everyone else, buy the smaller ones... NOW!
January 23, 2004
If I Were President: The State of the Union Speech
I don't want to criticize Bush's speech, as it was in HD, but I would have done things differently. Here would be my speech as president:
American people, I just want to tell you that the State of the Union is strong, yo. And why? Because I'm president, mo'fo's!
Now there's a speech that would look great on HDTV.
January 22, 2004
Help Find This Cat a Home
I know the year of the monkey starts now, but I hate monkeys, so stop mentioning it.
That said, I got an e-mail from a friend of mine in Florida who is trying to find a home for a cat. Hopefully someone can help.
I'm trying to find our cat a new home. It is a nice cat, even likes baths, as you can see from the picture. Trouble is, my husband says the cat stares at him, and it freaks him out. Even though it is all in his head, I have find the cat a new home. Interested?
BTW, I have tomorrow off, so I'm sleeping in. I'll post before lunchtime, though.
Frank Answers: Illegal Aliens, Liberal Frank J., Pedro, 73 Lesbians, Caliber Preference, and Evolution
Dave F from Burlington, CT writes:
Because speeding down the highway is cool, dude. If you've every flown a spaceship, it big and unwieldy, I tell ya, while a Corvette is sleek, yo. And an alien is already in enough trouble being chased by men in black; last thing he needs is to be put in jail for driving illegally.
Now no more talking about this.
We don't talk about Pedro. Next question.
Oh yeah; 73 women making out for eternity. Now there's a heaven, heh heh.
...wait, I mean that's deviant and wrong. I'm a good Catholic boy. Stop putting thought like this in my head.
I'm e-mailing from deep cover at my high school while my students are
Good use of your time, sir... except the answer to that question should be pretty obvious to my avid readers. Maybe this graphic sent in by a reader can clear up things.
I am a samurai, and I fight with honor, my sword of justice striking down both pirate and ninja. Duh.
No! It is a lie spread by monkey kind in a ploy to keep us from killing them. We actually evolved from the kangaroo, and that's why there is a pouch on your stomach. Just trust me about the pouch and don't look.
It's just a matter of timing; don't nuke the moon while Americans are there (but maybe while Chinese are). Also, maybe nuke the other side so as to not radiate our astronauts.
But we're not talking about Nuke the Moon anymore; we're talking about terrorists. So buy my new t-shirt.
* * * *
Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.
January 21, 2004
In My World: A Post of Chomps Biting Someone
He's Chomps, Chomps, the world's angriest dog.
* * * *
"Dammit! Left the backdoor open again," Donald Rumsfeld exclaimed. "Chomps must have gotten out, and I bet soon I'm going to be hearing from some whiny mother about how my dog swallowed her weak, stupid child. And there is no way to explain natural selection to a hysterical broad." Rumsfeld stared at the door for a moment. He then took a swig from his whiskey flask. "Ah, screw it."
* * * *
Chomps was angry. The wind blew through the street. Chomps growled at the wind. He then barked at the street. Both filled him with rage. Then again, so did the building around him, the people on the sidewalk who gave him wary glances - glances that only made him angrier. Then there was the sky; it made him angry as well. He so wished to grab the sky by its neck and shake it until dead, but it had no neck. Things without necks made Chomps angry. Actually, everything he could see, smell, hear, or feel made him angry. The only problem was he could not lash out against it all. That knowledge made him angry.
He needed to find something to focus his rage on...
* * * *
"Winning the Iowa caucus reminds me of how I served in Vietnam," John Kerry told his audience. "In Vietnam I won things too, like a card game. And I talked - just like I am talking now. Vietnam. Vietnam. Vietnam."
"This certainly was a boon for John Kerry, wasn't it?" Wolf Blitzer commented.
"That it was," Paula Zhan answered, "and I believe it's worth mentioning that he had served in Vietnam."
"Nothing could mar this day for him," Wolf said, "Except, perhaps, for that very angry looking dog that's charging his way."
Chomps jumped up and grabbed Kerry by the top of his head and started shaking him. "Ah! My important looking hair!" Kerry cried. He then started screaming in pain.
"Is it just me," Paula stated, "Or does his screams of pain sound a lot like, 'I served in Vietnam'?"
"Let's go to John Edwards who is speaking now," Wolf said.
"My strong showing in Iowa shows that people want a positive message from an ordinary guy just like you," Senator Edwards said. "I avoided negative campaigning and..."
Suddenly Edwards’s podium disappeared as Chomps chewed it apart.
"You stupid dog!" Edwards yelled. "I'm a lawyer! I'll sue you and your owner!"
Chomps growled and stared at Edwards angrily.
"Uh... maybe we can keep the law out of this," Edwards now said shakily as he held up his hands and backed away. "We're both adults and..."
"Ow!" Paula exclaimed, "That's has to dampen Senator Edwards's mood."
"It's hard to be cheery with that much blood loss," Wolf stated. "Now let's go to Wesley Clark who is touting the endorsement of corpulent, disgusting, obnoxious liberal Michael Moore."
"We have a fake presidency!" Moore said, holding a visibly uncomfortable Clark close to him. "And it's time for a real general who will beat Bush and... DEAR GOD! NOT AGAIN!"
"And there is that angry dog once more," Wolf stated, "He sure seems to have some energy."
"He has to to be able to shake around that much mass," Paula added.
Chomps tossed Moore into the crowd, crushing a number of his fans.
"Run away!" Clark yelled as he fled.
"I don't think Clark is going to able to out run that rottweiler," Paula said.
"Probably not. Now let's go to Howard Dean who, undaunted form his loss in Iowa, is giving yet another psychotic, rage-filled speech."
"WE WILL NOT GIVE UP!" yelled a red faced Howard Dean in front of cheering supporters. "WE'RE GOING TO NEW YORK! AND CALIFORNIA! AND WASHINGTON! AND MINNESOTA! AND OHIO!"
"Alphabetically!" shouted an enthusiastic Dean supporter.
"YOU WILL SEE US IN ALABAMA!" Dean now screamed, his face turning redder, "AND ALASKA! AND ARIZONA! AND ARKANSAS! AND CALIFORNIA! AND COLORADO!"
"Do state capitals!" yelled another supporter.
"WE WILL WIN IN DOVER! AND TOPEKA! AND JEFFERSON CITY! AND BISMARCK!"
"Now do foreign capital!" squealed an enthralled female Dean supporter.
"THEY WILL HEAR US IN PARIS!" Dean continued, looking like he was about to explode. "AND BRUSSELS! AND YAMOUSSOUKRO! AND BANDAR SERI BEGAWAN!"
"Dinosaurs of the late Cretaceous Period!" shrieked a supporter who was worked into a near frenzy.
"WE WILL MAKE THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION AS EXTINCT AS THE MASIAKASAURUS! AND THE BAGACERATOPS! AND THE TOCHISAURUS! AND THE CRATAEOMUS!" Dean's face was now blood red, and he was no longer able to contain the rage inside him. He thus let out a primal, high-pitched yell of, "YEAGH!!!"
Then he was tackled by a rottweiler.
"There's that dog again," Wolf commented.
"You think you can take me!!!" Dean yelled, tossing Chomps across the stage.
"I guess it's now a battle between the world's angriest dog and the world angriest Democrat presidential candidate," Paula stated.
Chomps leapt at Dean and clamped down his jaw upon Dean's neck. "YEAGH!!!", Dean yelled again, and, as he increased in anger, so did the size of the veins on his neck. Eventually the swelling veins forced Chomps's mouth open and he could no longer keep his grip. Dean then punched Chomps in the stomach followed by a kick that sent the dog rolling across the ground.
"Massachusetts! New Hampshire! Rhode Island! Nevada!" Dean screamed as he charged Chomps once more.
Chomps stayed low and bit Dean's leg, tripping him onto his face. Then, with all his weight, Chomps slammed down on Dean's back.
"Ahh! My back!" Dean shrieked, "I give up and go skiing!"
As Dean got up and stumbled off, Chomps let out a bark of victory.
"Quite a day for the presidential candidates," Wolf said.
"Yes it has been," Paula answered. "That angry dog sure got around."
"Almost defies logic," Wolf stated.
"That is does. Next up... uh... I can't read the teleprompter," Paula said quizzically, "Kinda looks like the teeth of a gaping maw... AHHH!"
* * * *
Rumsfeld noticed Chomps walk in through the back door. "You look so tired you can hardly keep your anger up," he said sympathetically as he walked over to pet the rottweiler. Chomps's anger died down even more until his growl was almost a purr.
"Now, let's find some countries to bomb," Rumsfeld told his dog. He looked over the map he had spread out on his coffee table. "Hmm. I never heard of that country. If it's not a U.S. territory, what do you think about bombing it and stealing its riches, Chomps?"
Chomps barked in approval.
"That's my boy!"
January 20, 2004
Quick Impressions of the State of the Union Address
I just watched Bush's speech, and I really liked it. The widescreen, high definition picture and digital sound made it seem like Bush was in my living room... and slightly larger than I expected him to be. It would have been nice if he had made more use of the five channels, though, by perhaps throwing some object so we could hear it land behind us. Also, if he had a tank barge into the room, that could make for some great LFE effects.
I guess that's all I have to say.
UPDATE: The Democratic response is in HD too. Maybe they'll make better use of the medium by having some digital effects and explosions... but I doubt it.
Ooh! Whines in digital quality sound! It's like they're there in front of me, and I can barely hold back my punch response. Come on, Frank; don't hurt your Toshiba.
Parrots Kick Ass
I didn't know parrots could live to be this old. I just hope that if I make it to 104, I still have that parrot's moral clarity. Then again, he was raised by Winston Churchill.
BTW, thanks to everyone who sent me those Howard Dean .wav files. Plus, I heard something about the SOTU being in HD tonight. That will kick ass! I hope they add some special effects to make full use of the medium.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: The Iowa Caucus, State of the Union, Impeach Bush, the Patriot Act, and Acting Like Monkeys
* So John Kerry won the Iowa Caca... but I want Dean! He has so much more humor potential (who wants more Howie and Skeeter?) and was supposed to have a lock on the nomination. Well, it's not over yet; everyone get out there and support angry man Dean. Plus, if he doesn't win the nom, he could hurt someone. Did you see his "concession" speech (a.k.a. "Look how quickly I came name all fifty states and then squeal")? He totally like freaked out, dude. I hope his back is okay.
UPDATE: The video of Howard Dean freaking out is here. Can someone get me a .wav file of just that squeal at the end?
* As for Bush's State of the Union address tonight, I think a lot of my previous advice still applies. What I also think he should do is threaten the Democrats who are planning on challenging him by saying, "And I will beat anyone who opposes me just like I beat Saddam." Then he should have Saddam appear on stage so he could savagely beat him to a standing ovation since. This will be good for him because people will think beating up Saddam is cool, and it will associate the Democrats with Saddam whom everyone hates (or at least I do; I have to stop thinking everyone shares the same opinion as me. Some people are too dumb to think like me).
* I got an e-mail from Democrats.com that they are going to start to try and impeach Bush. There logic being that the deaths in Iraq has now passed 500, and that is a nice round number so Bush should be impeached. What a bunch of dinguses. I think we should start a movement to impeach all Democrats because I hate them. Also supporting the articles of impeachment could be the fact that they smell.
* So many people seem to hate the Patriot Act. I keep hearing how it's a shredding of our rights, but, since the Senate vote was 98-1, at least it's a bipartisan shredding. But the only thing I've been convinced is Orwellian about the Patriot Act is its name; come on, you could name anything the Patriot Act. I bet there would be less controversy if it was just named something apt like the "Let’s be Mean to Terrorists" Act, "Reactionary Increase of Surveillance" Act, or "Man, Are Some People Going to Whine About This" Act.
* A number of readers (well, two) sent me this information: Singapore is urging its citizens to act like monkeys! The vast monkey influence spreads. I knew it wouldn't stop at simple monkey tolerance; they won't rest until we are all like them... or dead. Well, here's one man who won't act like a monkey. Everyone help me make a stand and boycott Chiquita.
* Well, I's busy so that's it for now. I will have an In My World™ for tomorrow, though. Any requests?
* BTW, the Emperor has an important public service announcement.
January 19, 2004
More Ads - Hooray!
Life, Liberty, Etc. is back up, so check out their t-shirts and other merchandise through their ad to the right.
Also, I have a new advertiser offering lots of cool surveilance equipment, including hidden cameras to see if your nanny is cutting coke while you're gone just like you always suspected. It's some neat stuff, so give them a look see. As an IMAO reader, it is your duty to check out each sponsor at least once. I only do this for the money, so, if my ad income dries up, I'll have Chomps get hit by a Freightliner and die.
Okay, I'm not, but check them both out anyway.
Guest Commentary on Democrat Primary Candidates
I didn't have time to write a post, so, since the primary is underway, I had a guest commentator give his unique perspective about the remaining candidates for the Democrat presidential nomination. Enjoy.
* * * *
Hi. My name is Buck - Buck the Marine, that is. I ain't been paying much attention to politics lately since I had been too busy with for'ner kill'n overseas, but now I've taken a look at who may challenge Bush for the presidency later this year. To be honest, I like Bush - he done got me a war to fight in and I suspect more war is to come - but I'm going to try and be... uh... what's that word... objective.
Now, Frank asked for my opinion because I'm a worldly and well-traveled man - knowing how to say, "I'm going to kill you 'cause you foreign!" in over twenty languages. Also, I look at politics from a different perspective than most, as the most important issue to me ain't taxes or healthcare or blasphemous things like getting married to another man. What's important to me is kill'n for'ners. With that said, let's get on to the candidates.
I done hate lawyers. We gots lawyers in the military, and they's always trying to get in the way of for'ner kill'n. We just want orders to kill whoever looks like they need a kill'n, but the lawyers gots to makes things complicated.
Anyway, lawyer-boy says he supported the war in Iraq, but he voted 'gainst the $87 billion for Iraq. Now, I just needed enough money for more ammo and a stone to sharpen my KaBar on to keep kill'n, but others needed that money, 'specially the Iraqis... the ones we ain't kill'n, I mean. Don't seems like you can say you're supporting us while not giving us the money we need, but that's lawyers for ya - they're all two-faced. Can't trust any of 'em, and I don't know why anyone would ever vote for one.
This man has very important looking hair, but supposedly he served in Vietnam. So, at first I thought, "This guy must know all about for'ner kill'n." But it ends up he protested against the Vietnam War. That's crazy. My pappy - Chuck the Marine - always talked about how Vietnam War was chock full of Commie kill'n, and we would have won it, too, if it weren't for those hippies to turn against. That's why there is a great animosity between us Marines and hippies that lasts even to today. Now why anyone self-respecting military would join them mangy hippies is beyond the comprehension of this here Marine.
Reminds me of something my pappy told me, though: "No self-respecting man lives in Massachusetts." Words to remember.
There's something about this man I just don't trust. Then again, he's been pretty supportive of the war compared to the others. Also, I believe he played Batman in that 1960's T.V. series. Perhaps he's learned a sense of justice from that, but I ain't so sure. In the end, I'd keep an eye on this one, as I don't think I'd buy a used car from this guy, nevertheless vote for him.
I understand he went skiing 'stead of for'ner kill'n in Vietnam. I guess that's better than protesting. Angriest peacenik I've ever seen, though. Been against us getting the bad guys in Iraq from the start and still against it now. And he uses his angriness to attract those people who think that Bush is the same as Hitler. Now that there is some crazy hippy talk. My grandpappy, Jebediah the Marine, killed himself plenty a Nazi, God rest his soul, and he told me all about Hitler. Thus I think it demeans the evil we fought against to compare Mr. Bush to that evil for'ner Hitler. Still, Dean is always yelling about the war and attracting all the crazies. If only he put all that anger into something useful – like the kill’n of for’ners – then he might be worth voting for.
I tried to listen to him, but his voice is like a tranquilizer dart, and a Marine needs to always stay in a state of readiness. Still, in comparison to the rest of this sorry lot, he looks like a bloodthirsty warmonger. Also he's a Jew; isn't that wacky? I guess I could vote for someone who is Jewish and supports war… just so long as he agrees to worship Jesus soon as he gets in office.
I don't like this man. Don't think too many people are fool enough to vote for him, so I don't see any reason to say anything more.
Crazy general... but not like Patton crazy. I mean the bad crazy. This guy has gone around ever issue and back again. I don't know his position on the war and I don't think he does either. Still, this guy becomes a Democrat about a week before entering the race and he surges to near frontrunner status; I guess the Democrats really are an open tent party.
Heh heh. This guy makes me laugh. I don't know what his positions are on any issue, but he don't have a chance in hell of winning, so it don't matter. But he sure is funny looking. I think he set his goals to high going for the presidency, but, if he were running for White House lawn gnome, I'd vote for him. Heh heh. He'd just have to trade his tin foil hat for a pointy red one and he'd be perfect.
Anyway, you can vote on what issue you think is important, but, remember, it matters for nothing if them for'ners get their way instead of my bullets.
January 17, 2004
Saturday Evening Post
Ah, weeding; it brings one in touch with nature by destroying the parts of nature you aren't particularly fond of.
Anyway, I would be remiss in not poing out a new BlogAds IMAO sponsor, as Frank has bills to pay. It's Life, Liberty, Etc. which offers lots of merchandise to annoy liberals with... though the site seems to be down right now. I'll look into that.
Also, I won as the best non-council link for The Council. I'm not sure exactly what that entails, but my guess is that it means I am the bestest, smartest blogger ever.
One last thing: anyone know what I can do to stop the comment spammers?
UPDATE: I've now updated my MT software and have added the MT-Blacklist plugin and am in the process of removing all that spam. Soon, my it will be safe to scan my archives again.
January 16, 2004
A Poem for a Whole Mother
After hearing about that mother who found it more important to become a "martyr" than take care of her children, I realized that I never appreciated my own mom enough. So, I've written her a poem:
THANK YOU MOM FOR NOT BLOWING YOURSELF UP
Mom, you've always been there for me,
And though it angered me you wouldn’t buy me a sugary cereal,
Though I did once try to goad you
Now I don't remember to call every weekend and take it for granted
January 15, 2004
Time to Pay Up
If you ever enjoyed one of Whitler's essays (and if you haven't, what's wrong with you), he's now asking you to pay up... but not to him, instead to those who need it most.
Go there now.
And, I'm joining with Emperor Misha I in calling anyone who has enjoyed my site to finally pay up and give that money to the Marines and the Iraqi people. Buck the Marine would thank you.
UPDATE: I've gotten real lazy in linking to people, but make sure you also check out Whitler's start to a manual on making an ideal American. He needs your help in completing it. I especially like his test to see if someone is a real American.
Shirts, Terrorist Video Games, More Liberals in the Family, and Bourbon for Our Troops
Woty from Nigeria asks:
I'm sorry, Timmy, but there aren't any plans for more Nuke the Moon t-shirts right now. Because of their high quality, there is a minimal amount that can be made at once, and I'm not sure I could sell that many more.
But there are still a number of my new shirt design left. Buy now, before they're all gone! Now!
That's certainly possible. Wow! What would I do if buying videogames supported terrorism? I'd have to choose between my own pleasure and supporting evil. Now I know how drug users feel.
Well, in our superior culture, we don't support honor killings of your sister, so you'll have to handle the problem in a more subtle way. If my sister were liberal, I'd hit her with a stick (you hear that Sarah; if Hollywood turns you liberals, prepare for a stick hitting). Instead, you could use a painful, high-pitch signal each time she makes a liberal statement to try and train her. Also, you could hold her eyes up open while forcing her to watch images of French cowardice while Beethoven music plays. Whatever works.
Wow! Are you related to Scott?
Hmm, seems like a lot of people are having problem with liberals in their families. My parents never allowed any liberals in ours, but I guess I was lucky. As for your situation, I guess you can't break his kneecaps, because there's like a Commandment saying you have to honor your mother and father, and it might also apply to step-dads (if you run into Jesus, have him confirm this). Hitting him with the high-powered hose was a good start, but more is needed. What I think there really needs to be is a support group for people with liberals in their family and a hotline you can call for advice. Someone give me millions of dollars and I'll get that started nationwide.
I'd say join. If you don't get in the military and kill terrorists, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Plus, since you live in England, it will be like your only chance to fire a gun.
Of course I saw that movie. There is no reason to be sacred of ninjas when samurai are about. That's why you don't need to be afraid of ninjas when I'm around. Hai!
I think our military men and women deserve bourbon, so stick with that. Actually, I'll donate money towards it (I'll funnel it out of the money for the support line for people with liberals in their family; don't tell anyone).
As for your second questions, I'd pick cluster bombing the enemy over fragging your superior officer.
Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.
January 14, 2004
More Scientifical Analysis of the Left
As I mentioned before, along with writing some scifi, I'm trying to write a non-fiction book that takes an intelligent look at the left (first chapter here). Only problem is finding the time to write all this stuff. Then I figured, "Hey, why don't I then just write a rough draft of a chapter and use it as a blog post, thus killing two birds with one stone."
And I was like, "I like killing birds."
So here is the second chapter. Probably following this would be chapters tackling the liberal views on all the important issues. Opinions appreciated.
Since “liberal” simply refers to someone with new ideas, you’d think that liberals would be extremely varied... but you’d be totally wrong! They can all be separated into just two different groups: the Alpha and the Beta liberal.
The Alpha liberals are the smaller faction of liberals who create the new and idiotic ideas for other liberals to follow. To put that in more practical terms, they pick the cliff that other lemmings jump off of.(1) The Alpha liberal – or pinhead, to use the more common term – come in the guise of politicians, activist judges, and the college professor. Often, these liberals are at the higher end of the intelligence bell curve. Why, you ask, would smart people come up with the moronic ideas that liberals are so fond of. Well, I’ll explain.
Human mental development is usually thought of as taking four stages.(2) The first is the sesorimotor stage (birth to 2 years old) where an infant’s knowledge of the world is based on senses and motor skills. Next comes preoperational thought (ages 2-6 years) where a child being to use symbols such as words but still relates to world only through his or her own perspective. After that if concrete operational thought (age 7 to adolescence) where a child can apply logical operations to experience if they relate to the here and now. Finally, there is formal operational thought (adolescence and beyond) where a person is able to think abstractly, deal with hypothetical situations, and speculate about what may be possible.
Most people stop at formal operational thought, but there is a lesser known fifth stage(3) that some reach and become trapped in called postoperational thought. This is when one’s mind becomes so overtaken by navel gazing and hypotheticals completely divorced from experience that his or her mental acuity now operates barely above the senorimotor stage. It’s a special state of stupidity that only the most intelligent can reach. To give an example, let’s say there is a tree lying in one’s path. If it were a simple creature approaching the tree, such as a dog, it would walk around the tree, not knowing of any other option. But, a very intelligent person in the postoperational thought stage could, using his vast intelligence, explain away the existence of the tree and walk right into it. A great intellect is required to be that dumb.
And that’s basically what the liberal pinhead is all about – explaining away trees and trying to get us all to walk into them.(4) Walking into a tree – i.e. reality – hurts, though, so the pinhead tends to shield himself from such pain and thus not have to rethink his ideas. The liberal pinhead politicians has all his advisors and worshippers to keep reality at bay. The liberal pinhead judge can call someone in contempt who tries to bring reason into his court. And the liberal pinhead professor is nice and cozy in his college campus, a sanctuary free from the deleterious effects of facts and experience.(5) They all sit safe and sound and try to goad us into smacking head first into trees, trying to make us adopt socialism and environmentalism and what not. But who would listen to them when even someone at the lower end of preoperational thought knows they’re full of crap?
That’s where the Beta Liberal fits in.
The Beta liberal happily occupies the lower end of the intelligence bell curve and, well, about any other bell curve. They’re attracted to the interesting new ideas of the Alpha liberal like a child is to shiny baubles.(6) Because the pinhead seems so smart with his fancy talk and wacky ideas, they’re eager to imitate them. Hence their also referred to as “muckadoos”, a term coined… uh… by me… just now.(7)
Muckadoos are often identified as hippies, college activists, Hollywood activists, and just general dumb people. They like to show their ideas by shouting things and waving placards with phrases of varying coherency. Though quite stupid, they can get so worked up in their adopted viewpoints that they can only be calmed down by an application of a high-powered fire hose.(8)
So why are muckadoos so attracted to the ideas of the pinheads? Well, taking ideas different from the rest of society makes them feel smart and important because they get to pretend everyone else are the dumb ones though all evidence points to the contrary. Also, the pinheads’ ideas usually involve the government giving out free stuff, and muckadoos love free stuff… free stuff we pay for.
In summary, the pinheads are the pretentious leaders of the liberal movement while the muckadoos are the loud, smelly foot soldiers. The pinheads are beyond logical reasoning, and the muckadoos are below it. Together they make an obnoxious team that tries to force ludicrous ideas on the rest of us with only the conservative – people threatened by any new idea – left to stop them.
January 13, 2004
And the Loser is...
Sorry, no Frank Answers™ today - they'll probably appear Thursday - though I have something special planned for tomorrow.
Anyway, St. Pancake - a.k.a. Rachel Corrie - won the Idiotarian of the Year Award. I think that's appropriate, as she won't have a chance to compete next year.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Change for IMAO, Dowd, Dumb Dems, Nightmares, and Monkeys Are Eating Your Children!
* Because of a tight schedule, my main posting is now going to be on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from now on. On Tuesday and Thursday, you get what I can hack out real quick. Today it's some Bite-Size Wisdom™ and maybe some Frank Answers™ if I have time at lunch.
* Maureen Dowd is never going to get fired because everyone wants to read her columns. When she came back from her hiatus, it was the talk of the blogosphere. Did you read it? It was like a stream of thought essay by a schizophrenic. You could not write something that bad if you tried, and that's why her articles are entertaining in their own way. She’s like the Ed Wood of columnists.
* As Opinion Journal pointed out, this poll shows that the average Republican knows more about the Democrat presidential nominees than the average Democrat, even though there ain't a way in God's name we'd ever vote for them. And I remember seeing some article arguing that we're the party of the dumb. It's a fact that, if someone closely follows politics, odds are he or she is a Republican. Draw your own logical conclusion from that.
* I had this nightmare the other night where I was stuck in a building and there were terrorists with hostages on the floor below me. So, I grabbed some clips for my .45 and then tried to find my gun among my dad's gun collection, but all I could locate were 9mm's. And, though they had higher capacity, there was no way I was going to face terrorists with a 9mm. So I kept looking, but, when I found my .45, it was broken. Any psychologists out there know what that dream may mean?
* In monkey news... monkeys are eating your children! Grab your shotguns and kill them now! NOW! If we were really serious, we'd make eliminating monkeys part of our war on terror.
* That's all you get for now. See you later.
* One more thing: how come no one pointed out that the date I had on my previous post, May 3, 2004 (now corrected) didn't make any sense? I only found out when it was reprinted (with permission, I might add) on Right Wing News. Come on, people; be more observant!
January 12, 2004
In My Possible Future World: The Howard Dean Presidency
"Today marks President Dean's first one hundred days in office, and it certainly has been an interesting time," Wolf Blitzer commented.
"And to think that no one thought he could win the presidency against George W. Bush with the economy so strong and the War on Terror doing so well," Paula Zahn remarked.
"It has been analyzed to death by now," Wolf responded, "and most say the factors that lead to Bush's downfall and Dean's rise to power are quite numerous. One would be that people started to lose trust in Bush after Paul O'Neill said that Bush had planned the attack on Iraq even before 9/11."
"Even before his presidency," Paula added.
"Yes. It was found that he had mapped out plans for an invasion of Iraq in a third grade book report on Charlotte's Web."
"And he didn't get a good grade on that book report, did he?" Paula asked.
"No. He didn't," Wolf confirmed, "The plans for a war with Iraq was a bit of a non sequitur and didn't expand on the relationship between the spider Charlotte and the pig Wilbur... which most pundits think is what the teacher was looking for."
"And then there was the lost campaigning times."
"True," Wolf said, "He lost two months of campaigning when he got his head stuck in the banister of the White House stairway."
"Laura always warned him about playing on the stairway," Paula commented.
"That's what she said."
"And, I guess another factor was the loss of any positive coverage of the Bush candidacy upon the destruction of Fox News."
"Quite a boon for us," Wolf chuckled. "It was quite a surprise, though, when Bill O'Reilly's unchecked ego grew so large that it actually gained mass, finally becoming so immense that it collapsed upon itself and pulled all of Fox News into a black hole. Thus, only our liberal slant was left to 'inform' the American public."
"And we can admit that we're liberal now that we have no real competitor," Paula smiled.
"Hence our new slogan: 'We control what you know, and thus we control what you think.'"
"You are being brainwashed by CNN," Paula said, imitating James Earl Jones's deep voice. Both then chuckled for a few moments until breaking down into full out maniacal laughter.
"Back to what we were talking about," Paula remarked, wiping away tears, "the final factor that probably brought Dean over the top was the mysterious addition of LSD to America's water supply."
"Yes, most experts think that’s what finally moved a bunch of the undecided to pull the lever - or pull whatever their drug-addled minds thought they were pulling - for Howard Dean."
"And it certainly was an awkward transition," Paula stated.
"Yes. Dick Cheney had yet another heart attack upon hearing that Howard Dean had won the election. Donald Rumsfeld fought back violently and had to be tranquilized before being removed from office. And Condoleezza Rice mysteriously disappeared... presumably into some secret underground lair to plot revenge."
"And President Dean's first action in office was quite controversial."
"It sure was," Wolf replied. "His withdrawing of all troops from Iraq and reinstating Saddam as leader caused quite a stir, but he said it was the moral choice since the war was wrong in the first place. And now Saddam has vowed to make his previous mass graves look well... less mass in comparison to his new murder spree of his own citizens."
"It's great to see he's still got spirit after the loss of his two sons," Paula commented.
"Another controversial action was his repeal of the Bush tax cuts."
"Apparently some selfish people don't like paying taxes," Paula said.
"Selfish, selfish people, Paula," Wolf answered. "But now, to mark his hundred days in office, he is going to broker a peace deal between the Israelis and Palestinians. Let's go there live."
They both sat their silently for a moment. "Apparently we don't have a live feed," Wolf said, "Well, let's just go to a commercial. Those pay more."
* * * *
"If you want peace, you'll have to make some concessions," President Howard Dean told the Israelis. "You have to honor the Palestinian cultural tradition, and part of that tradition is killing Jews."
"Joooos!" shouted the Palestinian negotiator.
"Now, the Palestinians will agree to a Jew-killing limit each month," Dean explained, "and, as long as they don't exceed that limit by a large margin, you can't attack back."
Sharon looked defeated. "I guess we have no option since you threaten to withdraw all U.S. support and sell arms to the Palestinians if we don't comply." Sharon was about to sign the agreement, but then he noticed a strange clause. "What this about a bike path through Jerusalem?"
"What? We didn't agree to that either?" the Palestinian negotiator exclaimed.
"I didn't think either of you would mind," Dean said, a little stunned by the objection, "It's a great place for a bike path."
"Not through the holy land!" Sharon yelled.
"We won't let this happen either," said the Palestinian.
"Not another religious objection to a bike path!" Dean screamed. He then grabbed the peace proposal and ripped it in two. "No bike path, no peace!"
* * * *
Dean stared out the window of Air Force One. "Nuke them. Nuke them both."
"But we'll kill millions of innocent people!" Dean's Chief of Staff exclaimed.
"Any being that would oppose a bike path is not a person in my eyes!" Dean said adamantly.
"But the rest of the world will object!"
"Then nuke them as well!" Dean shouted. "Nuke any country that opposes my bike path!"
His Chief of Staff recoiled in horror. "You're insane!"
Dean pulled out a gun and shot the man through the face. "Do not question me or my bike paths!" he screamed at everyone on the plane, the veins bulging out the side of his neck. "Now nuke them! NUKE THEM ALL! SOON ALL THE WORLD WILL BE MY BIKE PATH! MUH HA HA HA!"
* * * *
May 3, 2005
Hello to whom I estimate to be my eight surviving readers. The Bike Path War did not last long. When the U.S. sent nukes at Israel and the Palestinians, it also preemptively attacked Europe and Asia. All nuclear countries quickly responded. France nuked itself to try and preempt any attacks against them. North Korea launched its entire arsenal, some having enough range to even reach outside of its own borders. Other countries were more accurate, and now the entire world lies in ruins. The last image I saw before television went out was of Howard Dean, an insane smile on his face as he peddled over the smoldering ruins of the former world. Damn his eyes!
Most of the internet, and, more importantly, the blogosphere has been destroyed, only my blog and Instapundit still remain. Since there are no news feeds to read, Instapundit consists solely of empty quotes followed by either "Heh" or "Indeed". Glenn Reynolds has gone mad, I tell you, mad! And that's not just sour grapes because he still gets twenty times the hits I do.
Sorry to not be too funny today, but I'm in quite a dour mood after I had to use the last of my shotgun shells to fend off radioactive monkeys from the bag of oranges I found. I live like Mad Max now, scavenging the remains of the former world just to survive - except I drive a silver Hyundai Accent and I didn't have the heart to cut one arm off my leather jacket. It's been a while since I've seen another normal human being. As predicted, the main survivors of the nuclear attack were cockroaches, monkeys, and ninjas. Also, hardcore Dean supporters roam the streets like zombies, wearing black robes and eating the skin of any one they capture. How they remained so unchanged by the nuclear blast, I do not know.
What should have been obvious at the election of Dean is now punctuated by the scratching of the monkeys of my door and the moans of the Dean supporters wandering the streets: God has forsaken us... if He existed in the first place.
What is real is the .45 automatic that sits on my lap. I live now but to survive, but I know I can't last much longer. The human race is destined to die, but, if I have any say, we will not go out with a whimper. I vow not to give up the ghost until I am out of ammo and my gun is beaten to pieces against those damnable monkeys' heads.
And, if I’m alive tomorrow, expect a hilarious Know Thy Enemy: Radioactive Monkeys followed by some Frank Answers™.
Damn! The door has given way!
WHY HATH THOU FORSAKEN ME!!!
* * * *
"Hey, Gabriel, you got to see this!" God commandeth.
"Why? What?" questioned the angel Gabriel.
"I've almost finished my new universe," sayeth the Lord, "This one has seven spatial dimensions and two temporal. This should solve all the parking problems in my previous universes. It's totally sweet."
"That's great," answered the angel Gabriel, "but you should check your answering machine. It's filled with prayers from Earth."
"D'oheth!" spoke the Lord, slapping his omnipotent forehead, "I was so absorbed in making this new universe I totally flaked out and forgot all about Earth. So... uh... anything interesting happen there?"
January 11, 2004
Book Review: Wolf Time
In an attempt to up the property value of my site, I am going to do a literary review. Since I'm trying to become a novelist, I really need to read more. Problem is, I have trouble setting aside time for it. The main time I read is on a plane flight. Luckily, I got stuck in Denver overnight flying to Boise, so I had plenty of time to read Wolf Time by Lars Walker. Lars Walker has helped me out in starting to be a writer, supported the writing group I'm a member of, and was nice enough to send me a free copy of both Wolf Time and The Year of the Warrior. He also had a new title that was released by Baen in December, Blood and Judgment.
First off, Wolf Time is definitely aimed towards a conservative reader. It takes place in sort of alternate reality modern times where liberals have taken over America and have been able to pass legislation based on any wacky idea ever presented on a college campus. This adds a black humor to the book, but this alternate reality is more of a setting to the novel than as the emphasis of the story. The actually plot of the story is a bit hard to describe, but involves a healthy dose of Viking fact and mythology, discussion of the Christian faith, and the eternal search for one's purpose in life. The story starts out rooted in the real world, involving conflicts of university politics, national politics, and a secret society possibly committing acts of terrorism in the name of Christianity. More fantasy elements pile on as the book moves towards its ending... an ending I didn't quite understand (then again, I'm easily confused). There is a lot of talking in the novel, but that's actually one of its strengths because the ideas presented in the dialogue are quite thought provoking (certainly more thought provoking than your average New York Times columnist). All in all, I really enjoyed the book, and, most importantly, it really left me thinking afterwards. I give it four out of five stars.
My brother was kind enough to lend me a number of Heinlein novels, and I have to go finish reading Citizen of the Galaxy which I read most of on the plane flight home and haven't touched since (won't my reading group be so proud of me when they hear I've finally read some Heinlein!). Then I need to read Return of the King which I was saving until after I saw the movie. Then there is some writing I need to work on myself... God, there is enough hours in the day.
January 10, 2004
Tells Dems Your Story
Look at this message I got from the DNC:
In just a few days, Bush will give his State of the Union address, where he'll distort his record to paint the best picture he can for his reelection campaign.
You can go here to tell them your story (heh heh).
My story is about a lovely lady, who was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of hair of gold - like their mother - the youngest one in curls.
Well you get the rest.
Or maybe I could pose as Saddam: "Bush has killed by sons and taken me as a political prisoner! Please get him out of office and help me!"
We have to beat those liberals. (shakes fist)
January 09, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Spam
At least half my e-mail is unsolicited junk e-mail now, and that's not counting the updates I get from the DNC that someone out there in T.V. land signed me up for. Well, this has to stop, so I set my crack research staff out to find all they can about spam.
FUN FACTS ABOUT SPAM
* Spam is short for "Spiced Ham". I have no idea what that has to do with unsolicited e-mail.
* You'd think e-mailing some of the spammers back, "Thank you, but my penis is plenty large enough," would stop them, but you'd be wrong.
* Some ignorant people think that spam is harmless when in fact it depletes one of America's most important resources: my time.
* How do spammers send out e-mails to millions of people at a time? By worshipping Satan.
* If you mark your e-mail account with lamb's blood, spammers will "passover" it.
* Spammers almost decided to stop back in 2002, but then one Stuart Dimwitty actually bought a product based on an unsolicited e-mail, thus once again encouraging the spammers. Thanks, Stuart!
* I'm pretty sure all those e-mails from Nigerians who need help moving money are tricks. If not... Oh my God! I'm passing up millions!
* In a fight between Aquaman and Spam, Aquaman would be disappointed when he never got the penis enlarger he ordered, but would be too embarrassed to report it to the Better Business Bureau about it.
* Eventually spam will completely overtake the internet, replacing all other information. It is also spreading into text messages, rendering our phone systems useless. In the end, we'll be forced back to using the telegraph.
* To recieve IMAO updates by telegraph, the message beep beep dash beep...
January 08, 2004
The Misadventures of Howie and Skeeter: Gay Unions
Apparently the FBI surveillance of Howard Dean continues to today. Look at this excerpt I just got my hands on.
* * * *
Janurary 7, 2004. Subjects Howard "Howie" Dean and Richard "Skeeter" Robertson are at Dean's campaign headquarters.
Skeeter: Dude, you like totally have to explain to people why you support civil unions for gays.
Howie: Well, dude, it's pretty simple actually. I saw this glowing monkey head that screeched at me and then shot me with lasers from its eyes. It then demanded I support gay unions.
Howie: What, dude?
Skeeter: I don't think that explanation going to work, dude. Why don't just say something like God told you to support it and stuff.
Howie: Whoa! Maybe God is a glowing monkey head!
Skeeter: Maybe, dude, but I wouldn't like mention that to the press.
Howie: Dude, campaigning is hard... and my back like hurts.
Skeeter: I know: let's go skiing!
Frank Answers: Evil, Peeing, Cat's, Violent Videogames, Commie Roomates, and Still Married to a Liberal
Edward from the Navy:
You are only supposed to vote once, so I think that means you are evil. Then again, the poll is supposed to only let people vote once, so maybe it's evil - or just incompetent. Anyway, now I can't trust the results and will just have to throw them out. Buchanan will be disappointed.
No, so go do it now.
No, you just wasted all our time - especially mine. Go say five Hail Mary and then burn your cat sacrifice.
I only like violence in videogames if the violence is central to the story, such as the story being you're supposed to violently kill lots of people. I especially like Grand Theft Auto III where you could randomly beat people with a baseball bat. I learned some important lesson from that and I think those lesson would be great for kids, too - that lesson being that you can attack whomever you want and get away with it scott-free. I would like more games where you could violently kill monkeys, though, like some of the games in the Turok series.
There has been some criticism of late that games are focusing more on just being violent and less on quality gameplay. I think this is a good idea, because gameplay is overrated. I really don’t think videogames became truly engaging until graphics were good enough to accurately portray blood splatter.
They frankly isn't enough sex and nudity in videogames, though, but give it time.
Evil Otto from Orlando writes:
Sorry, nothing is coming to mind. Maybe you could just wear a brown paper sack.
Strangle him. If college officials question you on why you strangled your roommate, just explain calmly that he was a Commie. If that's not enough of an explanation for them, strangle them too; they're also Commies.
It's much cheaper than marriage counseling.
* * * *
January 07, 2004
In My World: Video Wars
"So jihad because it's fun and cool!" Osama bin Laden then held up his thumbs.
"What, now he's released a video!" Bush exclaimed, turning off the T.V. "I think it's time to fight fire with fire!"
"Last time you did that we were banned from that camp site for life," Laura warned.
"Bah! If I can make a video just like Osama, then Islamists will listen to me and not Jihad," Bush declared. "Now where is my video camera?"
"It's in the attic," Laura answered, "Now don't make a mess and be ready in time for dinner."
"Yes, dear," Bush sighed, and then rushed off to the attic.
* * * *
"Why do I have to help with this video?" Dick Cheney asked, positioning the camera, "I have evil Halliburton oil contracts to work on. Why couldn't you ask Condi?"
"Any time I tell her one of my ideas, she calls me dumb and bops me on the forehead," Bush explained, "and my forehead is getting sore."
"Why are we doing this in the basement?"
"Because it has more of a cave like quality," Bush answered, "Now, can you add some 3D text to the opening?"
"Sure, and I'll have it fly down with a 'whooshing' sound," Cheney said.
"Kickass. Now let's get started." Bush put on his serious face.
"Action!" Cheney called out.
"I urge you all not to jihad," Bush stated, "educating yourself and stopping being such a bunch of mindless Jew-haters will be much more cool. You should help American troops bring democracy to your region, or, in the least, stand out in areas where we can easily kill you. Now, you may think it's your religious duty to attack us, but I want to draw your attention to this book." Bush held up the Koran. "I will beat you with this book - or whatever book is readily available - if you piss us off."
"Make a reference to recent events," Cheney whispered.
"Make a reference to something recent so people know you are still alive."
"Oh." Bush thought for a moment. "Now do as I tell you, or I will feed crocodiles while holding your babies much like Steve Irwin."
"Now sing a rap song," Cheney whispered.
"It will be cool!"
Bush crossed his arms. "Now you may be uneducated and you may be po',
"Great!" Cheney exclaimed, "Now all we need is to edit it and have someone secretly deliver it to Al Jazeera."
"But who can we send on this tedious yet risky task?" Bush pondered, "Oh, yeah... SCOTT!"
* * * *
"I can't believe I'm stuck in some crazy Islamic country surrounded by terrorists trying to deliver a videotape," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan grumbled to himself, "and I wonder who they got to sub for me while I'm gone?"
* * * *
"You can't keep dodging the questions!" one reporter exclaimed.
"I think he just said, 'Ding'," said another reporter.
One walked closer to the podium. "I think the Press Secretary is a toaster oven."
"And there are toasty English muffins inside!"
"This is the best press conference ever!"
* * * *
"Here is the tape," Scott said, concealing his face and handing the tape over to an Al Jazeera representative.
"It will air," the man said and disappeared into a building.
"I'm glad that's over," Scott declared, letting out a sigh. He then noticed he wasn't alone. "Oh no! Evil terrorists!"
"It's an American spy," one evil terrorist exclaimed, "Release the angry, biting monkeys!"
Scott heard screeching heading his direction. "Oh no! Angry biting monkeys!"
* * * *
"Sources are still verifying whether it is actually George W. Bush on the tape," the anchorman said, "If true, this would prove that he is alive and well and probably hiding out in the D.C. area. Bush is known to be responsible for multiple terrorist bombings... sorry, make that 'bombing of terrorists.' He is also wanted for conspiring with many other countries to commit acts of wanton unilateralism."
"They didn't mention anything about the quality of the camerawork," Cheney said with disappointment.
"Well, you've succeeded in your dumbest plan yet," Rumsfeld stated, "Plus your Press Secretary is now recuperating in the monkey bite ward at the local hospital. Can we do some war?"
"I guess so," Bush said, "I don't have any other plans this afternoon."
"I was thinking we carpet bomb Canada for sending us mad cows," Rumsfeld declared angrily, "That's biowarfare and the response must be harsh, overwhelming, and nigh irrational."
"This just in," said the anchorman, "Osama bin Laden has responded to the Bush video with yet another video, featuring him singing while backed up by the 72 Virgins Dancers. Due to its fancy lighting and high production value, experts are saying it's much cooler than the Bush video."
"What!" Bush exclaimed, "We can't stand for this! To the basement!"
"Can we have dancing midgets in this video like I suggested?" Cheney asked.
"And a computer animated dinosaur," Bush said, "No one will jihad when we're done!"
Rumsfeld started marking X's on a map of Canada. "Idiots."
January 06, 2004
Some people seem to believe that Bush is Hitler, and I think that is wrong. Seems to me it’s time for an enlightening essay.
WHY BUSH IS PROBABLY NOT HITLER
While it is very hard if not impossible to prove a negative, i.e. Bush not being Hitler, I will do my best because I believe that he is in fact not Hitler. After doing some research, I found out that Hitler was born in Austria in 1889 and died in Germany in 1945 (coincidentally, the same year WWII ended). George W. Bush, on the other hand, was born in America in 1946 and, to my knowledge, is still alive. That by itself seems to be ample evidence that Bush could in no way be Hitler. But there is even more evidence against Bush being Hitler. Hitler was known for having a mustache and being hatless, while Bush is clean-shaven and wears a cowboy hat. That's quite a stark contrast. Also, Bush speaks garbled English, while Hitler spoke angry, angry German. Hitler was also known to kill millions of Jews, while Bush has killed no Jews that I know of. It is rumored that he once punched an Episcopalian, though. And, while Hitler liked to kill oppressed ethnic minorities, Bush want to kill terrorists, who are under-oppressed criminals. Furthermore, Bush has deposed evil dictators, while, presumably, Hitler would want to be buddy-buddy with fellow mean people and probably play golf with them. Also, when Bush has invaded a country, he's established democracy there while Hitler would probably want to do mean evil things to the people and not let them vote. And Hitler starred as a loveable tramp in a number of silent, comedic movies, while Bush has shown little comedic acting ability in his two Barney Christmas movies. Finally, Hitler would kill anyone who spoke out against him while Bush doesn't kill any of his dissenters despite them really, really asking for it.
So who is Hitler? Anyone ever think that maybe he's Howard Dean? I don't know what year Howard Dean was born - as I don't feel like looking it up - but it could be the same year as Hitler! Notice how both "Howard" and "Hitler" start with an 'h'. This could be a subtle hint... from Hitler! Also, if you shaved Hitler mustaches, restyled his hair, and made him a lot angrier, don't you think he'd look a lot like Howard Dean? And I've never heard Howard Dean say not to kill millions of Jews. Furthermore, I'd really like to punch Howard Dean supporters just like I'd like to punch the supporters of Hitler, the Nazis. And what did Howard Dean do during the Vietnam war? He went skiing, just like Hitler. Finally, why was Howard Dean against deposing Saddam Hussein? Maybe it was because he was afraid next they'd be after other evil dictators like himself, Hitler.
In conclusion, the evidence shows that it is very unlikely that George W. Bush is Hitler, but there is ample conjecture that Howard Dean is. Please pass this information to people who it might interest like those at Moveon.org and the Democratic Underground. Thank you.
January 05, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Debates, Mars, King Returning, Bobsled Frank, New Year's Resolutions, and AHHH!
* I need to get back in the groove before I do another In My World™, so maybe Wednesday. So here is some crap I came up with until then.
* Did they just have another Democrat debate? I don't even think the pundits are watching these anymore. The only interest in them is whether any will be able to topple Howard Dean. Well, I hope Dean makes for an entertaining election year. Republicans are predicting it will be a huge landslide, while Democrats are saying he's going to lose by a much smaller margin than we all think. Only time will tell who is right.
* So the European Mars probe failed while our Mars probe kicks ass. This once again proves that space is only for Americans and everyone else should stay out of it.
* I saw Return of the King over the holiday. My only question was did they rewind the king first?
* With the rise in popularity of DVD's, how long until no one would get that joke?
* To those who said to the previous bullet point, "It doesn't matter because it wasn't funny in the first place," screw you!
* Over the holiday, I went bobsledding where they had the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. Here is me putting on my helmet:
Don’t I look like a Jamaican!
Here is me getting ready for take off. I'm the one right behind the pilot:
It was a lot like a roller coaster, except I had to be careful not to bump the guy in front of me or we could all die. I have to say, I'm used to experiencing 1G and it never seemed like much, but once you get to 2G's and 3G's and more, you really start to notice it.
* I guess my home phone number used to be the number of a diabetic medical supplier, because I keep getting all these calls for testing strips. I've even added to my answering machine message: "This is a residence, not a diabetic supplier." Still, every once in a while I get a message from some old person asking, "Are you closed right now? Please call me back at..." Old people: stop being so old!
* Part of my New Year's resolutions is to become a superhuman, achieving perfection in both mind and body. I also still plan to be rich and famous by the end of this year. The world needs to hear my opinions, and that's why it is my right - no my duty - to be rich and famous.
* Also, I resolve that my posts this year will be so funny that you will look at my posts from previous years and exclaim, "My God! What utter crap! I can't believe I actually used to like this stuff!"
* This post is excluded from that resolution.
* Everyone get their shirts? I haven't gotten mine yet because I was gone. How are they?
* Look at this hate mail I got from a Danny Robison:
Subject: you are the biggest damn loser
Man, there is like nothing to work with there. It's like my hate-mailers keep getting dumber. Soon I'll be lucky if I get anything resembling a coherent sentence.
Subject: no like site
* So, I know what you are all asking: what's happening in monkey news? Well, the news is... IT'S NOW THE YEAR OF THE MONKEY!!!!
* I keep getting requests for a search function on my site. Why doesn't everyone just use Google with "IMAO" as a search term (or "site:www.imao.us" to be more exact)? That's what I do. I guess I could add one anyway, but Google, yo.
* I need to have a serious discussion with all of you about the future of this blog and... bah, I'll have it later. I'm tired. Hope you all had a great holiday!
* One more thing: AHHH!
January 04, 2004
A New Year of IMAO Begins Now
Hey everybody. I just got home from a day of traveling and am eating some McDonalds. Just thought I'd let you know I ain't dead or nut'n. Now I have 500 unread e-mails to sort through - some of which aren't spam - but I'll try and come up with a post for tomorrow. I haven't really followed the news for the past week, and having read any blogs, so, if something interesting happened, please tell me in the comments.
Damn, I got to get up at 6am tomorrow and jetlag is going to make it feel like 4am...
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