Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!
Buy funniest book ever!
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter
Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!
Popular CategoriesFred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Frank the Artist
In My World
Other ContentOde to Violence
IMAO Audio Bits
Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Testimonials"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence
"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
BlogrollAce of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Right Wing News
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
Right Wing Duck
This Blog Is Full of Crap
Fred Thompson Links
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts
November 30, 2005
A Review of Cindy Sheehan's New Book
Before I dive into the review, a note about Amazon.com. When I first posted the PGH assignment at Alliance HQ on November 24th, I noticed several 1-star reviews of Sheehan's book.
When I returned today, I noticed that all the 1-star reviews prior to November 29th had been removed. ALL of them. Even though 5-star reviews from as far back at Nov 17th are still there.
Anyway, here's a link to the list of reviews, lowest first. Currently there are 5 1-star reviews dated Nov 29 (you have to click the "next" link to get to where the 5th one is listed). If you guys could keep an eye on that and let me know if they start disappearing, I'd appreciate it.
UPDATE: When I started writing this post, there were 6 1-star reviews dated Nov 30. Now there are 5.
Just freakin' CREEPY...
Look, I *really* tried to read Cindy's book before posting this review, but I was too busy buying pants for British soldiers. Nevertheless, I managed to compile a few reviews from other noteworthy Americans, on the assumption that you'll be able to trust their judgment when it comes to choosing your reading material.
What could possibly go wrong?
Martin Sheen - "I love this book! In fact, I even sleep with it. Not in... you know... the Biblical sense... ok, maybe once. But I swear it was consensual!"
Michael Moore - "Great book. I ate a copy with some fava beans and a nice chianti."
Joan Baez - "Best. Book. Ever. I mean, if it weren't for this book, I wouldn't have my picture posted at Amazon.com?
Oh... THAT'S what.
Fine. Let's just cut to the chase. If Cindy's book were a dog, it'd be this one:
Meanwhile, I'll quote you one last Amazon review:
After reading this book everyone should be able to realize how painful it is for a mother to live without her son, how oainful it for a wife to live without husband who is killed in war.
Of course, I'm sure some people don't need a book to realize that...
Not One More Mother's Child, indeed.
"Hey Ethel, When Did We Switch to Chocolate Water?"
We've the replaced the fine water normally served in this area with dark rich sparkling sewer contamination. Let's watch!
Imagine the water you drink, cook with and bathe in is contaminated with raw sewage. Those of you living in the Dogwood Dell subdivision in Baldwin County's Marlow- Fish Riverarea [in Alabama] don't have to imagine it.
It is a water supply that was contaminated when a sewer line, installed in mid-July for a camper in the area, was apparently improperly installed by the privately-owned Baldwin County Sewer Service.
WHAT!?! Mid July? That's over three full months of drinking, pisscrapwater!
Top fictional quotes from locals.
"Hey waiter, I didn't want my water chunky style!"
"This sweet tea tastes like an entirely different letter of the alphabet!"
"This driinking water.isfullofcrap." -Laurence Simon
O Bloggers, Where Art Thou?
Except for Laurence Simon who arguably has no life, all the other IMAO bloggers are MIA (thats Missing or InActive in this context).
Where are they?
Harvey, after eating a delicious hot bowlfull of ABC's and 123's soup in his jacuzzi, got his entire body stuck in his ginormous beard. Don't worry Harv, somebody will be along to shave you!
RightWingDuck is being detained at Taco Bell where he allegedly 'dropped the chalupa' in the middle of the dining room. TBBP (Taco Bell Border Patrol) officials are holding him until they setltle on who will do the dna testing on the 'beans'.
Cadet happy sadly, is dead. He photoshopped the wrong guy/gal to look funny-sweet-shoes/tramptacular this time. He paid the ultimate price for his art. Good ridda-um...I mean goodbye dear friend.
Sarahk is somewhere in a bridal boutique trying to find the perfect wedding... something or other. (I'm a guy, it's ALL something or other)
Frank J is waiting in the car for Sarahk at the bridal boutique, unconscious from lack of food and water OR worse, he's INSIDE the boutique with sarahk, contemplating chewing off the arm of the hand she's holding.
What are YOUR thoughts on the whereabouts of the missing IMAO bloggers?
Update: Frank J is allegedly at work.
First off, I'm really really busy (must write this quick so I can get back to work). Too bad, because there's a lot happening in the news that would make great fodder. Anyway, as many of you know, I'm getting married next week followed soon by a two-week honeymoon. Until then, I'm dealing with a project at work where everything keeps changing except the deadline. So, until Janurary, I'll chime in when I can, but the blog will be mainly in the hands of the fit and capable co-bloggers (one of whom should hopefully be able to liveblog the wedding). Next year, I hope to come back gangbusters with more of what you love and some brand new things. Also, the constantly retooled podcast should become a weekly thing once again.
As always, be honorable, ronin.
... but where's his blender?
Jerry Garcia's appliances will be auctioned off to benefit The Sophia Foundation.
Sorry, Glenn, but no blenders appear to be up for auction. However, I hear that Rodney Dangerfield's estate might have a puppy-sized food processor hitting the market soon.
November 29, 2005
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Submissions are due tomorrow night! The (not so) Daily Me will be hosting. 'Daily Me', sounds like a some sort of blog name or something.
Spacemonkey Totally Digs It!
IMAudiO listeners willl know why I think that this google map utility is really handy.
Update: It's a utility for seeing where that hole you are wanting to dig straight through the Earth would exit (on the other side).
I have no desire to know the spawning habits of celebrities or pandas
But I hate pandas more. I really hate pandas.
The cloning of a dog meriting Time's top invention of the year is bogus.
Let me know when scientists can clone a panda so headlines like this are a thing of the past.
"Hey, a baby panda just passed its first medical tests!"
Because I hate headlines about pandas as much as I hate the pandas themselves.
November 28, 2005
Former Attorney General Ramsey Clark has now joined Saddam's defense team. Apparently, he only defends people who are responsible for a minimum of one thousand deaths. But what could be the possible defense for Saddam Hussein? Here are a few of my ideas:
DEFENSES FOR SADDAM HUSSEIN
* "I was stuck in the spider hole for years! It was one of my look-alikes doing all that evil!"
* "I was just try to keep an appropriate ratio of Kurds to Whey."
* "It wasn't me! It was Tom Sellek!"
* "Let he who hasn't invaded an oil rich nation throw the first stone."
* "Yes, you could prosecute me, but then you'd just validate Bush's illegal war. And what's more important: doing away with a murderous dictator or proving Bush wrong?"
* "Are you, members of the jury, so high and holy as to pretend you've never thought about oppressing an entire nation before?"
* "I'm mourning the loss of my murderous sons; isn't that punishment enough?"
* "I was framed! I've never even seen Iraq! I'm really the president of Lichtenstein!"
Any other ideas? Put them in the comments.
shooting is fun!!
Frank J. and i went shooting this weekend. i have a recap (with pictures of our targets) up over at mountaineer musings. so please, follow my shameless self-linkage and see how i did one-handed! (and how Frank shamed me with the Colt Anaconda.)
You know what we live for at IMAO?
Take a guess!
No - Besides money.
No- besides watching Michael Moore walk onstage with half a chicken clinging to his beard.
No - besides having Howard Dean say anything - which usually gives us weeks of material!
That's RIGHT. We want glory - and praise.
Which leads us to our next topic -
They should be starting up soon so start getting ready to click on those voting buttons.
For today, let me share this quote with you by LaShawn Barber...
Best Podcast — IMAO: Funny stuff! Frank J. and his group of podcast buddies — fiancée SarahK, fellow PM blogger Laurence Simon, spacemonkey, Right Wing Duck, and Harvey — put together a very funny, very non-PC show that’s too short and too infrequent for me, the mark of great entertainment. If you’re not into podcasting, let the IMAO podcast be your first foray into the latest online adventure.
Not only is that a great endorsement -(Thanks LaShawn) we also got to learn how to spell 'foray'.
It goes to show you - that if a good, big hearted, Christian like LaShawn listens to the show - then it must be good and good for you.
So get that voting finger ready - no, not that finger - the clicking finger - and vote for us when the time comes.
P.S. On that podcast thing - we are keeping it because it's fun and fun to do. However, we'll have to wait a few weeks for the next one since FrankJ and SarahK think it's more "important" to organize a wedding than to edit sound into my bit called "Fun Ways to Use the Word Poopie"
No Good Deed...
I've written another short story in my attempt at (somewhat) serious writing. It's entitled "No Good Deed..." and is a lot more lighthearted than Superego (and a ton shorter than that was in toto). So, there's a lot of humor in it, but I hope it also makes a good action tale (it's a western... of sorts).
It's at Baen's Bar (of Bane.com) in the "Baen's Universe Slush" section under "No Good Deed..." (putting it there makes it a submission for the new e-zine they're making). Comments go in the "Baen's Universe Slush Comments" section where a "No Good Deed..." topic has already been setup.
I'm most worried about the middle section bogging it down too much and would like lots of opinions. There best put in the comments section, because that shows people are reading the story and bring it to the attention of the editors.
There, maybe that will have gotten the writing bug out of me for a little bit.
Carnival Of Comedy #30 Comedy Pearls
No? Then get over there!
Of course you didn't. None of my cobloggers linked it. What a buncha slackers.
November 27, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Cats
Well, it's time for The Carnival of the Cats, but what do you really know about that furry little beast that you leave in your home unsupervised for nine to twelve hours a day while you slave away at a keyboard earning barely enough money to pay for their food, vet bills, and toys they ignore while still having to clean up after them?
That doesn't sound like domesticated household pet or friendly companion. It sounds more like a cruel, domineering master who has enslaved you in its claws. So, I had my crack research team find all they can about cats…
FUN FACTS ABOUT CATS
See? Cats attacking? Don't say I didn't warn you!
Also, catbloggers are welcome to add themselves to the Frappr Map as well as the Catblogroll. While you're at it, go ahead and send me some pictures of your cat so I can add them to the banner of the Carnival of the Cats page.
Why are you pointing a gun at me, Frank?
Jesus the Mean Capitalist
I've heard this allegory before, but I still have a little trouble with it. If I understand it right, Jesus is saying how great it is to increase profits, and that money should be taken away from the poor and given to the rich who will make better use of it.
14 For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods. 15 And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey. 16 Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents. 17 And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two. 18 But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord's money. 19 After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them. 20 And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more. 21 His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. 22 He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I have gained two other talents beside them. 23 His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. 24 Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: 25 And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine. 26 His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed: 27 Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury. 28 Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents. 29 For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. 30 And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Any other interpretations? Discuss!
November 25, 2005
The Cruelty of Glenn Reynolds
Recently someone asked me, "Hey Harv, how come you're always picking on Glenn Reynolds? You nursing some kind of grudge for something he's done to you?"
So what else could I do but answer him?...
...With a song...(see extended entry)
You're asking what Glenn's done to me? It's pretty plain for all to see His vile deeds have ruined my life Filled it full of stress and strife!
My dog was blended by this man
Made off with my credit card
Wrapped my car around a tree
Didn't link my funny post
Grafittied my walls, stole my wallet
Amazing Beliefs Part 2
Once again too lazy to blog myself, here is more amazing beliefs about guns from author Michael Z. Williamson:
* * * *
AMAZING BELIEFS PART 2
That an actor from Hollywood who points a gun at friend and foe without discrimination, who keeps the finger on the trigger with no target, who fires a handgun on its side, who fires two guns akimbo, who tries to shoot a single-action pistol with a lowered hammer, and who fires 60 shots from a 30-round magazine, should be taken as an expert on the subject.
That “reasonable licensing fees” will stop casual ownership of guns, but anyone who would jump through hoops to own a gun is obsessive.
That outlawing the carrying of guns will stop people from doing so, just as lowering the speed limit stops reckless driving.
That we should deal with the problem of criminals using illegal weapons by taking lawful weapons away from honest people.
That we should ban guns—if it saves even one life, it’s worth it, just as we should ban assemblies where people might be trampled to death—if it saves just one life, it’s worth it, and we should ban speech by groups who offend public order—if it saves just one life, it’s worth it, and we should ban unhealthy foods—if it saves just one life, it’s worth it, and…
That anyone convicted of domestic violence should not be allowed to handle guns, unless that criminal is “Marky” Mark Wahlberg handling guns in “Planet of the Apes.”
That rifles are useless in a world of fighter planes and nukes, just as automobiles are useless in a world of 747s
That sky marshalls, who are present on less than 10% of all flights, are a good solution to hijacking, but armed pilots, who would be present on every flight, are not.
That a pilot might accidentally shoot a .38 caliber hole in a plane, thus somehow mysteriously causing 10,000 cubic feet of air to disappear in a moment, or hitting a vital electrical wire that was somehow not safely duplicated by another, despite federal requirements to that effect, but a "Trained Air Marshall" won't do this even when in the stress of battle against a hijacker.
That pilots might accidentally shoot a hole in the skin of an airliner (see above), so shouldn't have guns, and if the terrorists start banging away, we'll just have to hope for the best.
That pilots shouldn't be armed because they aren't trained for use of weapons, but may use violent maneuvers that they aren't trained for to somehow magically secure a hijacker they can't see in his seat.
That a .38 caliber bullet might destroy an airliner, but violent maneuvers won't rip the wings off.
That a pilot shooting through a small cockpit door at an incoming hijacker might somehow fail to put any bullets into him, but a 110 lb flight attendant will easily get close enough to tackle a hijacker and use a stun gun.
That a terrorist might masquerade as a "Trusted Traveler," hoping to be the only such person aboard with a firearm, but would never be able to impersonate a law enforcement official or get a job as a pilot.
That a pilot is not trained in dealing with terrorists, so should stay in the cockpit. Instead, it's up to the flight attendants and passengers to deal with the situation. After all, they ARE trained professionals.
That it's just a matter of time until another hijacking takes place, and there's nothing we can do about it, and no, you can't carry a gun.
That many “supporters of Second Amendment rights” endorse “reasonable gun control,” just like many “supporters of First Amendment rights” endorse “reasonable media control.”
That keeping a gun for self-defense implies a desire to shoot someone, just as keeping matches and having homeowner’s insurance implies a desire to be an arsonist.
That a punk wakes up one morning, and thinks, “Gee, instead of robbing, raping, sodomizing and killing a young woman, why don’t I turn my $400 gun in for $20 and a pizza and go work at McDonald’s?”
That the more helpless you are, the safer you are from criminals.
That you should give a mugger your wallet, because he doesn’t really want to shoot you and he’ll let you go, but that you should give him your wallet, because he’ll shoot you if you don’t.
That despite all the outrage about Corporate America’s cavalier treatment of employees, Domino’s Pizza’s demand that employees be unarmed is an altruistic effort to stop them from hurting themselves, and not a calculated financial bid to avoid having a lawsuit filed by a dead robber’s family.
That gun owners are “potential terrorists,” because they have all the necessary equipment, just like Sarah Brady is a “potential hooker,” because she has all the necessary equipment.
That one can sue a store for having a slick floor, falling ceilings, and sharp corners, but if they refuse to let you bring a gun in and you get shot by a criminal, they aren’t liable for enforcing that rule with others.
That there is no right of self defense, and the police are not legally obligated to respond to my cries for help when disarmed, but you can sue them if they take too long to get to a traffic accident.
That arming police just “escalates the violence,” so to be really effective, we should ban the use of nightsticks by the police. In fact, we should ban the police. If they didn’t exist, the criminals wouldn’t need to be armed. In fact, we shouldn’t have locks on doors, because that just encourages forcible entry.
That assault rifles are far too powerful to hunt deer and elk, and too dangerous for private citizens to own, but are too impotent for modern warfare, too weak to reliably kill soldiers, and have no place in the concept of a citizen reserve.
That there’s no incongruity in claiming the preferred weapon of a drug dealer is a $25 .22 caliber pocket pistol, and claiming the preferred weapon of a drug dealer is a $2000 machinegun in the same piece of propaganda.
That any cheap weapon is a “Saturday night special,” and any expensive weapon is an “assault weapon.”
That “Cops” and other shows are edited to show the boring encounters with traffic stops and the occasional drunken fool with a revolver in his pocket, and never show the millions of cases where the cops are gunned down in droves by machinegun toting drug dealers.
That “NYPD Blue” and “Miami Vice” are documentaries.
That an intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .44 Magnum will get angry over your retaliation and kill you.
That firearms in the hands of private citizens are the gravest threat to world peace, and China, Pakistan and Korea can be trusted with nuclear weapons.
That Charlton Heston as president of the NRA is a shill who should be ignored, but Michael Douglas as a representative of Handgun Control, Inc. is an ambassador for peace who is entitled to an audience at the UN arms control summit.
That ordinary people, in the presence of guns, turn into slaughtering butchers, and revert to normal when the weapon is removed.
That someone who fails to clear his weapon, fails to point it in a safe direction, pulls the trigger without checking the chamber, and blows his foot off is an example of how even a “trained professional” can be a “victim” of a diabolical gun, but people in the military who clean weapons millions of times a year without getting hurt are “dumb grunts.”
That the New England Journal of Medicine is filled with expert advice about guns, just as Guns and Ammo has some excellent treatises on heart surgery.
That one should consult an automotive engineer for safer seatbelts, a civil engineer for a better bridge, a neurosurgeon for spinal paralysis, a computer programmer for Y2K problems, and Sarah Brady for firearms expertise.
That modern design firearms contain features such as box magazines and fiberglass stocks, which were designed for military use and shouldn’t be available to civilians, just as modern design automobiles contain features such as rack and pinion steering and McPherson struts, which were designed for the race track and shouldn’t be available to civilians.
That rifles such as AR-15s, AK-47s and L1-A1s were designed for military shooting and shouldn’t be available to civilians, just as vehicles like Chevrolet Suburbans, Jeeps, and Land Rovers were designed as weapons platforms and military utility and shouldn’t be available to civilians.
That the best way to avoid an accidental shooting is to stay completely ignorant of guns and never go near them, just like the safest way to avoid an accidental drowning is to stay completely ignorant of swimming and never go near water.
That the best thing our kids can do to bullies and drug dealers is “just say no,” and fight back, and the best thing we can do to muggers and thugs is to give them $50 and wait for them to go away.
That it’s outrageous that the Milwaukee police took 45 minutes to respond to reports of Jeffrey Dahmer’s last victim running around naked in the cold, then returned him to his attacker without checking ID, but the best thing a citizen can do in an emergency is dial 911.
That the “right of the people peaceably to assemble,” the “right of the people to be secure in their homes,” “the enumeration herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage others retained by the people,” “The powers not delegated herein are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people,” refer to individuals, but “the right of the people to keep and bear arms” refers to the states.
That the 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1791, allows the states to have a National Guard, created by act of Congress in 1916.
That the National Guard, paid by the federal government, occupying property leased to the federal government, using weapons owned by the federal government, punishing trespassers under federal law, is a state agency.
That despite the 1990 case Minnesota Gov. Rudy Perpich vs. Department of Defense, where the Supreme Court ruled specifically that the National Guard is under federal orders and the state governor cannot object, the National Guard is still, in fact, a state militia.
That private citizens can’t have handguns, because they serve no militia purpose, even though the military has hundreds of thousands of them, and private citizens can’t have assault rifles, because they are military weapons.
That it is reasonable for California to have a minimum 2 year sentence for possessing but not using an assault rifle, and reasonable for California to have a 6 month minimum sentence for raping a female police officer.
That it is reasonable in California to get two years in jail for a serious crime such as possessing but not using a weapon, and probation for a minor crime such as molesting your children.
That it is reasonable to jail people for carrying but not using guns, but outrageous to jail people for possessing marijuana.
That minimum sentences violate civil rights, unless it’s for possessing a gun.
That door-to-door searches for drugs are a gross violation of civil rights and a sign of Fascism, but door-to-door searches for guns are a reasonable solution to the “gun problem.”
That the first amendment absolutely allows child pornography and threats to kill cops, but doesn’t apply to manuals on gun repair.
That capital punishment is not a crime deterrent, but gun control is.
That a woman in a microskirt, perfume and a Wonderbra, without underwear, is a helpless victim, but someone getting paid $6 an hour to deliver the cash from a fast food place to the bank at the same time every night is, “asking for it.”
And you won’t allow either of them to carry a gun.
That Illinois’ law that allows almost any government official from Governor to dogcatcher to carry a gun is reasonable, and the law that prohibits any private citizen, even one with 50 death threats on file and a million dollar jewelry business from carrying a gun is reasonable. And it isn’t a sign of police stateism.
That the 80 religious kooks in Waco were a threat to American security, but snipers killing them as they left the building, machinegunning children, hiding the video evidence, possibly torching the building on purpose, and having no case to present in federal court is good law enforcement. And it isn’t a sign of police stateism.
That free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters, computers, and typewriters, but self defense only justifies bare hands.
That with the above, a 90 LB woman attacked by a 300 LB rapist and his 300 LB buddy, has the “right” to kill them in self defense, provided she uses her bare hands.
That there’s nothing in the Constitution that specifically prohibits banning certain guns, but there is something in the Constitution that specifically prohibits banning certain sex acts.
That gun safety courses in school only encourage kids to commit violence, but sex education in school doesn’t encourage kids to have sex.
That a criminal will take a gun away from you and use it against you, so conversely, the best thing to do when threatened is to take the criminal’s gun away from him and us it against him.
That the ready availability of guns today, with only a few government forms, waiting periods, checks, infringements, ID, and fingerprinting, is responsible for all the school shootings, compared to the lack of school shootings in the 1950’s and 1960’s, which was caused by the awkward availability of guns at any hardware store, gas station, and by mail order.
That we must get rid of guns because a deranged lunatic may go on a shooting spree at any time, but anyone who owns a gun out of fear of such a lunatic is paranoid.
That there is too much explicit violence featuring guns on TV, but that cities can sue gun manufacturers because people aren’t aware of the dangers involved with guns.
That the gun lobby’s attempt to run a “don’t touch” campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, and the anti-gun lobby’s attempt to run a “don’t touch” campaign is responsible social activity.
That the crime rate in America is decreasing because of gun control, but the increase in crime requires more gun control.
That 100 years after its founding, the NRA got into the politics of guns from purely selfish motives, and 100 years after the Emancipation Proclamation, the black civil rights movement was founded from purely noble motives.
That statistics showing high murder rates justify gun control, and statistics that show increasing murder rates after gun control is legislated are “just statistics.”
That we don’t need guns against an oppressive government, because the Constitution has internal safeguards, so we should ban and seize all guns, therefore violating the 2nd, 4th, 5th and 9th Amendments of that Constitution, and won’t thereby become an oppressive government.
That guns are an ineffective means of self defense for rational adults, but in the hands of an ignorant criminal become a threat to the fabric of society.
That guns are so complex to use that special training is necessary to use them properly, but so simple to use that they make murder easy.
That guns contribute to high death rates and should be banned, but tobacco and alcohol are okay.
That guns cause crime, which is why there has never been a mass slaying at a gun show.
That guns cause crime, just like matches cause arson.
That guns cause crime, just like women cause prostitution.
That guns cause crime, just like men cause rape.
That guns aren’t necessary to national defense, which is why the US Army only has 3 million of them.
That banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, and Chicago cops need guns against armed criminals.
That women are just as intelligent and capable as men, but a woman with a gun is “an accident waiting to happen.”
That women are just as intelligent and capable as men, but gunmaker’s advertisements aimed at women are “preying on their fears.”
That a handgun, with up to 4 switches and controls, is far too complex for the typical adult to learn to use, as opposed to an automobile which only has 20.
* * * *
(c) 2005 by Michael Z. Williamson. Permission is granted to copy for
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Today, it's Piper the Rat checking out a Thanksgiving feast.
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
November 24, 2005
November 23, 2005
I was visiting Michelle Malkin's site when I noticed she had listed her recipe for Pumpkin Chocolate Crunch Pie. Hmmm. Crunch.
Anyway, I'm not much of a cook, but I'd thought I'd share a traditional Holiday Meal Recipe with you.
RWD's Old Family Recipe File: Holiday Water
Directions: Take a pitcher and fill it with water. Make sure the water goes in the pitcher. Put the pitcher on the table or someplace where people can see it.
Recipe Variation: Add Ice.
Another Recipe Variation: Use a clean pitcher.
THis is a special time of year when we gather to celebrate and give thanks for what we have.
Happy Thanksgiving. I hope that you and your family enjoy this very special time together: Or as I call it - Dinner.
Maybe They're NOT Crazy... Oh, Wait... Yes They Are
So I keep hearing Democrats claiming that Bush lied about the reasons for going to war in Iraq - because he said that he knew that Saddam had WMD.
But then I find out that these same Democrats - or possibly others... I can't tell, they all look alike to me - were saying that THEY knew that Saddam had WMD.
Maybe they're crazy.
But then again, maybe there's another explanation... Let's see...
* Yes, they said those things a few years ago, but now they have amnesia because they fell down the stairs after fainting when their husband found out that they were pregnant by their ex-husband because they made love while being held prisoner on an island by an international terrorist, but only because they thought they were going to die and they turned to each other for comfort.
* Don't look at me like that - it happened on Days Of Our Lives.
* Latest talking points memo from the Abilene Kinko's was in a hard-to-read font - confusion ensued.
* Memo may have sustained water damage from riding in a car with Ted Kennedy.
* Ditto Ted Kennedy's memory.
* Of course, that might have been the gin.
* Or the Scotch
* Possibly the Sterno
* Clinton's quotes contain the word "is", so there's no way to tell what he really meant.
* They only said those things in the first place because President Bush drove up to their houses with a huge truck full of cash & hookers. Haven't we ALL had a moment of weakness?
* What the Democrats said doesn't count because they had their fingers crossed.
* They didn't say "Saddam has WMD", they said "Saddam has WMB", as in "Saddam has Wondrous Man Booty".
* Democrats are hypocritical weasels who will do or say ANYTHING to regain political power, regardless of any negative repercussions on the troops in the field.
Eh. I'm sure ONE of those is the right answer.
Drunk Saudi Arabian Q&A
Q: Why was a Saudi Arabian sentenced by a Massachusetts court to only one year in a bed and breakfast prison on Martha's Vineyard for killing someone with his car while drunk?
A: Because there weren't any open Senate seats to elect him to.
Amazing Beliefs Part 1
I've been quite busy lately, and now with Thanksgiving and the wedding coming, I have little time to blog. So, to have some content, I thought I'd share this piece about people's beliefs on guns from author Michael Z. Williamson which I found to be pretty good. It's long, so I'll put it up in parts.
Williamson, BTW, was the one who introduced me to a writing group which helped turn my serious fiction writing skills from "abhorrent" to "tolerable"... leading me on the path to one day being "publishable." Also, he's sending me a copy of The Weapon, his first solo effort published in hardcover, and I like free stuff.
* * * *
AMAZING BELIEFS PART 1
That incidents where people shoot criminals in self defense are very rare, and shouldn’t be used as excuses to own guns, just as incidents where presidential press secretaries are shot are very rare, and shouldn’t be used as excuses to ban guns.
That guns are the real cause of crime, but we will blame and jail the owner of said gun for the crime, even if the owner wasn’t the person involved.
That a mugger will kill you in the half-second it takes to draw from the holster, but won’t harm you while you dial 911 on your cell phone, talk to the dispatcher and wait half an hour for the cops to arrive.
That gun control works, which is why there are no illegal weapons in Northern Ireland or Beirut.
That the Second Amendment only applies to flintlocks, just as the First Amendment only applies to quills and lead type.
That the proper response to an attack is to call the police, but only unarmed police, because “Violence never settles anything.”
That it’s wrong to make snide, sexist comments about women, unless the comments are about women who own guns.
That a gun with an 11 round magazine is dangerous, but a gun with fifteen 10 round magazines is much safer.
That we should rehabilitate criminals and treat them as people, but never let them own guns, even if their crime was nonviolent.
That a hijacker could easily take a gun away from a pilot, but the hundreds of passengers aboard would then be unable to take the gun away from the hijacker.
That if there’d been a gun aboard American Airlines Flight 93, someone could have been hurt.
That pilots have enough to do in the cockpit, without having to worry about distractions like firearms to stop hijackers and fire extinguishers to stop fires, and these activities should be left to “trained professionals.”
That such “trained professionals” will only be available on one flight in five.
That rather than have the pilot risk human life by shooting at a hijacker, we should simply have the Air Force shoot down the plane, thus preserving life.
That rapists prefer to attack armed women so they can take the guns and use them against the victims.
That 1 firearm owner in 10,000 will commit an act of violence in his or her lifetime, and this is far more frightening than the 25% of drivers who will cause a serious or fatal accident.
That you should rely on police in lieu of your gun, just as you should rely on a dentist in lieu of your toothbrush.
That the press reporting a shooting is “responsible,” but failing to report that the shooter was stopped by an armed citizen is an attempt to prevent the “glamorization of guns.”
That car keys, umbrellas and hairspray are good tools for self-defense, despite the fact that police continue to carry guns.
That Washington DC’s low murder rate of 80.6 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, but Arlington, Virginia’s high murder rate of 1.6 per 100,000 is attributable to the lack of gun control.
That the depressed and emotionally disturbed should not be allowed to own guns that shoot bullets with 250 ft-lbs of energy, but should be allowed to own 4000 lb cars with 1,136,000 ft-lbs of energy (at 65 mph).
That “assault weapons” are “very powerful” but big game hunters oddly prefer .30-06s and .375 H&Hs.
That assault rifles are "underpowered" for hunting, but can "punch through police body armor." More powerful hunting rifles, however, cannot.
That we should outlaw bullet proof vests so criminals can’t use them, and private citizens should be then proud to be killed in the crossfire, knowing they are doing their part for society.
That we don’t need the Second Amendment or arms to protect our Constitution, but should instead use the courts and the government system, just as we did in 1776.
That the lack of mention of guns in wills in colonial American cities proves that most Americans didn’t own them, just as the lack of mention of outhouses proves that most people squatted in the yard.
That this alleged lack of ownership is as relevant to the Second Amendment as the lack of interest in newspapers at the time was relevant to the First Amendment.
That among the hundreds of documented cases against anti-gun freaks we note that: the press secretary of Handgun Control was arrested in DC for discharging an illegal handgun, a ranking regional officer of the Million Moron March was convicted of felony assault, and other Million Morons in Colorado have been arrested for attacking firearm dealers and activists, but “gun nuts” are “obsessed with violence.”
That the laws against specifically named weapons have been found unconstitutional, that the laws against “types” of weapons have been considered vague, that the laws against cosmetic features are easy to comply with and still produce the identical mechanism, and that laws against particular mechanisms are unconstitutional is an indication of the “obsessiveness” of firearms enthusiasts to do what they enjoy doing, against the wishes of the narrow minded prudes who wish to stop them, and not an indication of the obsessiveness of the ignorant paranoids who fear them.
That NASA, the military, physiologists, anatomists and trainers all agree and Olympic scores confirm that men on average have tremendously more upper body strength than women, but women should try to defend themselves with martial arts and not a gun.
That according to investigative reports, alarm systems are expensive, often easily defeated, and the alarm company may not respond for three hours, even then only driving by rather than stopping, but an alarm system is a more reliable means of protecting the home than a firearm.
That less guns in an altercation is a good thing, so you should not be armed against a criminal to keep yourself safe.
That rather than spend a few hundred dollars on a firearm and an afternoon learning how to use it, one should instead spend thousands of dollars and several years learning a martial art, so you’ll be well-prepared to fight anyone, as long as they’re in your gender division and weight class.
That it’s terrible when police officers plant weapons on a suspect to enable them to make an arrest, but we should have tougher laws against weapons and trust the police not to abuse them in this way.
That police arriving at 80mph are a better way to stop criminals than bullets arriving at 800mph.
That because of the bombing at Oklahoma City and the knife-point hijacking on September 11, we should take guns away from people who weren’t involved.
That a police officer under 21 shouldn’t be able to buy a gun for off duty use, because his competence depends on that blue jacket.
That people buy guns as “substitute penises,” because they know that only people with small penises ever get attacked by criminals.
That Hitler and Stalin didn’t disarm citizens, only Jews, Gypsies, gays, unionists and other “undesirables.” (Yes, a liberal member of the MMM actually said this in the Washington Post, quoting www.potomac-inc.org)
That to properly understand Nazi gun control, one must consider the “legitimate fears” they had of the Jewish population. (This was another self-proclaimed liberal. I’m beginning to wonder.)
That families with children should not be allowed to own guns for safety reasons, just as they aren’t allowed to own dogs, power tools, or toxic chemicals.
That it’s wrong to destroy someone’s life over an administrative crime by jailing them and impoverishing their family, unless that crime is owning a gun.
That a law that allows someone to keep doing “X” that has been legal for years, in the face of another, badly written law that says they can’t do “Y”, is a “loophole.”
That it’s wrong to politicize that the World Trade Center attackers didn’t need guns to hijack a plane, but okay to politicize that the Columbine killers bought guns…illegally.
That when someone dies because they couldn’t get a drug the government won’t approve, it’s tragic, but when someone dies because they couldn’t defend themselves with a gun the government won’t approve, that’s just life.
That a criminal is somehow more of a threat to a cop than to a regular person, so police need guns and regular citizens don’t.
That guns are a symbol of white male oppression, and we should address this by banning inexpensive guns that are available to poor minorities, guns with less than 6 lbs trigger pull which are useable by females and smaller men, require special storage and licensing fees to stop “those people” from affording them, require proof of “need” such as political connections or large acreage or the money to go on expensive safaris, and all this will stop those evil white males.
That governments should maintain the “legitimate monopoly of force,” because the American Revolutionaries, the Maquissards, the Israelis in Palestine and the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan were “illegitimate,” but Hitler, Mao, Pot, Mussolini and Stalin were “legitimate.”
That the “Reasonable” uses for guns are hunting and target shooting, but not self-defense. In other words, it’s acceptable to use them as toys but not as lifesaving devices.
That .50 caliber rifles are both “very rare” and “selling like hotcakes.”
That the fact that .50 caliber rifles are very rare justifies banning them, just as the rarity of Lamborghinis and other high-performance cars justifies banning them.
That one has the moral obligation to make a citizen’s arrest when one sees a felony in progress, and that it should be accomplished by yelling at the perpetrator, “Stop! Or I’ll yell ‘stop’ again!” rather than by drawing a weapon.
That intelligent people should support gun control because they realize they are too stupid to be trusted with guns.
That a gun is merely an inadequate substitute for a penis, so when attacked by a mugger one should pull out a…
That a gun is a symbolic penis…what this has to do with defending one’s life I have no idea. It simply serves to prove that anti-defense psychiatrists clearly have Freudian issues that THEY need to address.
That if honest people give up their weapons, the criminals and dictators will give up theirs, as Chicago street gangs and Hitler have demonstrated.
That only the government should control guns, just as only the government should control broadcasting, and only the government should control religion.
* * * *
(c) 2005 by Michael Z. Williamson. Permission is granted to copy for
This Is Serious, People
I know everyone is laughing about the X over Cheney's face on CNN, but I hope you understand how these things work. First, they put X's over our faces, next they're rounding us up into concentration camps. These are scary times, people. If you see a liberal, make sure you have a shotgun on you to scare him off (shotguns ward off liberals same as garlic does vampires).
The tagline is one-thirds untrue in my case
I am not unmedicated. I take Vytorin for my cholesterol.
Of course, when I "go off of my meds" I'm prone to heart attacks, stroke, and other cardiovascular problems and not, say, walking into a Stuckey's and slashing everyone with a machette.
(Sorry, spacemonkey, but that was just burning a hole in my gut and had to get out before it reached my spine.)
What the Zionist Media aren't telling you about the leaflet-bombing runs over Beirut today is that on the back of the leaflets they had a coupon for 25% off of Harry's House Of Matzoh...
Israel Air Force warplanes dropped thousands of leaflets denouncing Hezbollah guerrillas over the Lebanese capital of Beirut and its suburbs early Wednesday, two days after some of the worst border clashes in southern Lebanon in several years.
If I were to do a propaganda bombing run, I'd drop strips of paper with a peel-off adhesive strip on one end. Then, I'd print "GIVE THIS STIP A HALF-TWIST, TAPE THE ENDS TOGETHER, AND ASK YOURSELF HOW MANY SIDES IT HAS."
November 22, 2005
The X on Cheney Explained!
There's probably few out there who have missed the photo of the big black X CNN put on Cheney's face the other day.
I'm sure there is a logical reason for it, computer bug?, nah. There seems to be even less to it than that. CNN production executives were just playing around. Goofing off.
I'll show you.
See? An 'X' and 'O'! These two monitors demonstrate the CNN people were probably simply playing a harmless game of Tic Tac Toe on a big monitor board. They forgot they were using the "live" monitor. See the "live monitor" sign?
I'll back way up so's I can show the rest of the board.
Hey, Looks like O's won.
A Story That Deserves More Coverage
Blonde Sagacity has posted a story that I feel is worthy of attention.
What would you do if you came back from serving in Iraq and found out your daughter had been abused - and died?
What did protective services know?
Plus another story of a dad who tried to do the right thing.
Thinking about X...
During a recent speech by Vice President Dick Cheney, and broadcast by CNN, we witnessed a brief graphic of an X displayed across the Vice President's face. We now have the official CNN excuse:
Top Ten Excuses CNN Could Have Offered For Putting an "X" graphic over VP Dick Cheney's Face During a Speech:
#10. Man’s loaded right? X marks the spot.
#9. We have a new Rating system – and we were anticipating a wardrobe malfunction.
#8. X is the letter of the day!
#7 We would have used “t” but thought people might mistake it for a crucifix.
#6. In fairness – Democrat strategy is drawn out with the letter “O”.
#5. Well, it wasn’t an “X” – it was a kiss.
#4. We would have put up three "x"s but thought people might think him a secret agent.
#3. After investigating, we discovered the people in the control room were playing a drinking game.
#2. Sorry, the producer used to work on Family Feud.
And the #1 excuse for putting an X over Dick Cheney's Face During a Speech is...
See? Making cheap excuses can be educational!
SomeXtimes therexs just no reasxn to tx stxck a bxnch xf X's everywhere.
Grwx Xp people!!
November 21, 2005
Boys and Mannequins
At the risk of sounding like a prudish conservative, I’d like to go on record as being against Mannequin-human relationships.
I say this because Sky News (Motto: Look at the pretty clouds) has posted a story where a young man, somewhere in the world was arrested for being caught with a naked mannequin with his pants down.
Yes, the mannequin was naked, thereby eliminating the excuse: “But we were just talking.”
See, these sickos ruin a neighborhood not to mention a perfectly good mannequin. And who knows if it will stop at mannequins. Before you know it, all the little garden gnomes in your neighborhood aren’t acting quite right.
So does this young man have any excuses? I mean, really - if having sex with a dummy is a crime - then we'd have to arrest all the Congressmens' wives.
But what about this young man? Is there any hope for him in court? If he’s prosecuted, he may have to register as a sex offender. In the interest of public services I would like to help this young man.
RWD’s Top Ten Things To Say When The Cops Bust You Naked With A Store Mannequin…
10. Whoa. Half an hour earlier and you would have found me with the rocking horses.
9. Sure, YOU call it sex with a dummy. I call it ART!!
8. She’s ALIVE I’m telling you. She’s ALIVE! We love each other.
7. (Saying nothing. Sitting perfectly still like another mannequin)
6. What about our civil rights!! Why CAN’T we get married?
5. Officer – she’s legal. She was manufactured in 1987.
4. You mannequin-phobes!!
3. You don’t understand – she was taking advantage of me!!!
2. I wasn’t undressing myself- I was dressing her!
And the number One Thing To Say When The Cops Bust You Naked With A Store Mannequin…
I hope that my years of getting caught naked – I mean, my years of experience are of help to this man.
In the interest of public service, we encourage all IMAO readers to post any other potential excuses this young man might use.
I have to go. I think that garden gnome is coming on to me.
Carnival Of Comedy Opportunity!
I have some Carnival of Carnival hosting opportunities* for some lucky bloggers out there!
I know what you are thinking. "I can't host a carnival! I don't know any freaks other than the ones at the office and I can't let those losers know I blog from my cubicle!" Well fear not, you fearful fearface. There's no freak recruitment involved in producing the Carnival of Comedy. The entrants however... well nevermind.
So with that obstacle aside, I'm opening up the schedule to people who fit the following profile
If you answered yes to both of these questions. email me . Subject: Carnival of Comedy Host for Date: (enter date you want to host)
Host the Carnival of Comedy or the terrorists win!
*I was looking at the carnival of carnival schedule, which basically involves looking at my gmail account scanning for messages with the words carnival and/or host. I've got nobody.
And All This Time You Thought Frank J. Made Up That Puppy-Blending Thing
Glenn Reynolds comes right out in the open and says which blender he likes best.
Sure, he doesn't mention the puppy part, but I think we can connect the dots.
[Hat tip to Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! for the heads up]
Has Al-Zarqawi bought the farm?
Or is he merely leasing the farm, maybe with some sort of an option to purchase?
Perhaps he has only borrowed the farm so he can test drive the sheep, chickens etc.
But, I hope he's permanently become Farmer Al. So he can take himself a long nap in the dirt.
Fun OSM Trivia
Is it true that the main purpose of OSM is to blackmail politicians and journalists to pay "protection" money in exchange for not having blog-coordinated slander campaigns against them?
False. Blogs are written word, so libel is what's threatened. OSM may eventually expand into podcasts allowing them the use of slander as well in their blackmail.
Fun Facts About Louisiana: The Director's Cut
The version on the IMAO podcast (#18 - October 31) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears in the extended entry...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, lift your shirt and earn some shiny beads - we're headed to Louisiana. So... let's get started...
Louisiana became the 18th state on April 30th 1812, mostly to make President Madison's wife stop nagging him about "when are you going to get up off your butt and do something with all that land west of the Mississippi?"
Ya know, it wasn't Manifest Destiny that built this country, it was naggy wives.
The state bird of Louisiana is the brown pelican, whose enormous beak could, in theory, hold enough beer to get an Irishman drunk.
The state boat of Louisiana is Noah's Ark.
Louisiana is the source of most of America's seafood, and annnually produces more shrimp than a Wizard of Oz cast party.
The state motto of Louisiana is "Help! I can't swim!"
The state flower of Louisiana is the magnolia... although that may soon change to the water lily.
The highest point in Louisiana is Mt. Driskoll, at 535 feet, while the lowest point is [insert gurgling sound here].
Louisiana was named after the French King, Louis the 14th, and NOT after the French pronunciation of "lousy, ain't it?"
The official soil of Louisiana is silt.
Louisiana has the tallest state capitol building in the US. It's 450 feet tall, and is capable of holding nearly a week's supply of the Governor's bribe money.
The state song of Louisiana is Led Zeppelin's, "When the Levee Breaks".
The US acquired the Louisiana territory from France in 1803 in exchange for $15 million dollars in gold and a promise to stop referring to the French as "surrender monkeys".
HA! Stupid, gullible, surrender monkeys!
The state tree of Louisiana is whichever one Katrina didn't knock down. Probably an oak tree in Shreveport, or something.
Jazz Great Louis Armstrong was born in New Orleans, Louisiana. His famous song, "What a Wonderful World", describes his feelings about moving out of the state.
Rock & Roll legend Jerry Lee Lewis was born in Ferriday, Louisiana on September 29th, 1935. Although he DID at one point marry his 13-year-old cousin, he was NOT actually a degenerate pedophile - just Southern.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana hosted the Special Olympics in 1983, prompting accusations from Alabama that it was actually just a scheme to raise the state's standardized test scores.
Louisiana is famous for its many slow-moving rivers or "bayous". The word "bayou" is a Choctaw Indian word meaning "Frenchman's urinal".
The first governor of Louisiana chose the pelican as the state bird because it is such a devoted parent that it would tear at its own flesh to feed its young rather than let them starve. The governor was so impressed by this that he substituted "the rich" for "flesh", and thus was born the Louisiana tax system.
The state dog of Louisiana is the Water Spaniel.
St. Joseph Cemetary in Rayne, Louisiana is the only cemetary in the US where the graves have a north-south orientation. All other cemetaries are laid out in a pentagram pattern to facilitate raising the dead via unholy rituals.
The city of Kaplan, Louisiana is known as the Cajunest Place on Earth and is home to the famous Gumbo World theme park and resort.
The city of New Orleans was once a haven for pirates, which may explain why most of the post-Katrina looters had parrots & eye-patches.
The Old Town Hall Museum in Pineville, Louisiana is the only museum in the US devoted to municipal government. While there, don't miss the Graft & Corruption exhibit in the Huey P. Long Memorial Corruptitorium.
At the age of 13, all young males in Louisiana undergo a ceremonial rite of passage wherein they finally learn the horrifying truth - that Mardi Gras is NOT a national holiday.
They are NOT told, however, the horrifying truth that they are descended from the French, as this would completely destroy their fragile minds.
Whether you pronounce it "New Or-lins", "New Or-leenz", "New Or-le-ans", or even "Nawlins", SOMEONE in Louisiana will correct your pronunciation.
When they do, tell the annoying little SOB that he's descended from the French. THAT will shut him up.
Well, that wraps up the Louisiana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be getting mugged by gangs of feral lobsters in Maine.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go *ahem* "use the bayou".
[The complete e-book version of "Fun Facts About the 50 States" is now available at Amazon.com. If you don't have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]
November 20, 2005
Something from Michelle Malkin's latest post disturbs me:
If you have a problem with my work and what I stand for, go ahead and take me on. Keep calling me whatever four-letter-word makes you feel better when you can't win your arguments. But leave my family alone.
You know, not all four-letter words are bad words.
Folks, what are some nice four-letter words to call Michelle Malki-
Hey, how about nice?
(Pretty is a five-letter word, so that's reserved for SarahK. Because she's pretty. And if I didn't say so, she'd probably put Mister Shiny to the back of my head and paint the walls with my face.)
You know, Nardo has a four-letter word to describe Michelle...
November 18, 2005
Light Blogging At Instapundit Explained
Glenn Reynolds recently apologized for a spate of light blogging at Instapundit, claiming to be "busy" with his new book. However, recent leaks from Scooter Libby show that he was actually working on a viable "exit strategy" to bring the troops home from Iraq, which the House is voting on tonight. The full text of the strategy follows in the extended entry...
1) Announce immediate pullout of all American troops from Iraq.
2) Observe Iraqis - note who cheers at the announcement.
3) Help cheerers celebrate with a White Phosphorus fireworks display that "somehow" goes horribly wrong.
4) Finish installing Iraqi democracy.
5) Immediately withdraw US troops.
Might have to "celebrate" the cheerers at ABC News next.
Thou Art The Leaker!
With apparently everyone already having known about Joe Wilson's wife secret agent status except for Patrick Fitzgerald, there are obviously some leak problems. When I hear secret information has been disclosed, I always think of the same suspect: Jesus! Jesus has access to all classified information, and, since he's always popping up in things like tortillas, he has plenty of ways to secretly leak that information.
If you see Jesus, make sure to contact Patrick Fitzgerald. Also, hide your drug stash because seeing Jesus might mean the rapture has started.
Hooray! The new Harry Potter movie premieres today! And, if you're like me, you've got Potter Fever! The symptoms of which are:
* Irritable mood swings.
If you have all that, no reason to call Dr. House; you're infected with Potter Fever and the only cure is to go see the movie! I already pre-ordered tickets for the DLP showing (no cigarette burns for me) at the local cinema. I hear this one is quite different from the book, though. For one thing, the pictures will move. Also, while the book was almost all text, there will be very little reading in the movie. Furthermore, I can't take it to the can or whap my cat with it. Despite the differences of the movie from the book, I'm sure I'll enjoy it (currently, Rotten Tomatoes has it at 89%!).
One thing, though, this one is rated PG-13. Here is a list of what's in the movie that might not be appropriate for children. Another thing I'd add to the list is that I might be there, and I'll hurt your children if they make noise.
Potter Mania! Yay!
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Today, it's Nardo the Mutant telling Santa what he wants for Christmas... well... um... sorta...
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
Note on Martha
Everybody seems so interested that the supposedly hawkish Democrat Representative Martha has suddenly called for an immediate withdrawal of troops (actually, not suddenly). Well, I remember when my roommate in college (who was in Navy ROTC) wrote an editorial in the local paper about how Martha has not been a good military supporter - and that was back in the 90's if I recall correctly.
Of course, my roommate was working on Martha's opponent's campaign, but that's neither here nor there.
Shut Up and Be Funny
Morning, sportsfans. One of the editors over at Baen was doing a "Why I would reject your manuscript" topic in Baen's Bar for those who didn't mind getting his or her feelings hurt. When she got to my reedited Superego, to my delight she said she wouldn't reject it outright, and then passed the story on to another editor. The verdict came back that there was too much redundancy of the main character basically saying over and over, "I'm a sociopath." Sounds like it might be salvagable after a decent amount of rewriting, but I'm going to leave it be for now. I am inspired instead to try writing some short stories (certainly shorter than Superego) before working on full novel. Those will probably be posted over at Baen's Bar while I'll just put up links here when I have one, and thus IMAO will remain devoted to humor for those who are worrying.
BTW, the first In My World™ compilation will be cool and done soon since I want your money. Also, I just love reading my old IMWs since they're just so darn funny; I really am a humor god.
November 17, 2005
IMAO and Open Source Media
I totally missed out on the kick-off party for Open Source Media (formerly Pajamas Media). I was told by e-mail that I would be receiving a physical invite, but I never got it. Maybe they have my address wrong (I better make sure that's corrected before they start mailing checks). Then, I found out about the name change to Open Source Media secondhand from an e-mail from one of my co-bloggers.
BTW, I get the idea of the name: open source software lets you see the code so you can determine its worth for yourself and thus Open Source Media lets you see where stories are coming from and the biases of the author so you can make your own judgment. The only problem is that open source software is free, and free stuff makes me think of Communism.
Anyway, though I feel a little in the dark, IMAO is part of OSM and we will do all we can to get some of that sweet blogging money. Now, you may be wondering how will IMAO's involvement with OSM change this blog. I assure you, the changes will be superficial, but, here they are:
STEPS TAKEN TO MAKE IMAO COMPLIANT WITH OSM REGULATIONS
* As it is the official position of OSM that monkeys are fun and mischievous, I am no longer allowed to publicly hate them.
* Laurence Simon has been kicked off of OSM since they don't allow Jews.
* Since Glenn Reynolds is on the OSM Editorial Advisory Board, I am no longer allowed to ridicule him and must accept his blending of puppies as an appropriate alternative lifestyle.
* Since we're supposed to add original reporting, no more ripping stuff off the AP wire and pretending it's something I saw happen on the street in front of my house.
* I need to eventually write an essay on how much I love Corn... the David variety. I am also not allowed to reveal the location of the Insane Asylum that houses The Nation's editorial board, nor am I able to continue making statements about The Nation like "If the writers improved their craft a bit and were less paranoid, they could be posters on Democratic Underground."
* In the middle of our podcasts must now be a 15 minute bass solo by Charles Johnson.
* Product placements need to be worked into our posts just like how Mountain Dew has worked in a sour kick to it's new Mountain Dew Pitch Black II. That's Mountain Dew Pitch Black II - It's grape-eriffic!
* I must always be pictured wearing a hat like Roger L. Simon. Hatlessness will not be tolerated.
* OSM critic Ann Althouse must be publicly slandered, that meddlesome harlot!
* I am now required to at least attempt to proofread.
Now watch out, MSM, because IMAO is part of OSM!
Try Try Again
I've decided that trying to get Superego submitted to Baen's new magazine (now called Baen's Universe) is a worthwhile endeavor, so I went over the whole story again and reedited it. It's posted in Baen's Bar in the Baen's Universe Slush section and the place for comments is in the Baen's Universe Slush Comments. The beginning (especially the opening paragraph) has been reworked the most, and, if you've never checked out the story before, I'd really appreciate just critiquing the beginning (I'm afraid the story doesn't really grab the reader until the attack at the cafe).
As for the epilogue, I never did finish it as it ended up being very wordy and complicated. I'll get back to it sometime, as I just recently watched Profit which was a show told from the viewpoint of a sociopath and as inspired me to think of a sequel (which the epilogue is essential for). If I write one, that will be next year. Currently, I'm working on full novel while getting together the first In My World™ compilation (Ooh! I should show you the cover art).
And, if everyone is good, I'll still write you some funny. But, I've got novelist fever, and the only prescription is
BTW, what's posted in Baen's Bar is what I consider the official version of Superego (and it has many less grammatical errors).
The Other Air America Fundraising Letter
Air America is trying to raise more money. Usually,this means that they're having dinner with George Soros or hanging out at the Gloria Wise Boys and Girls Club - but no - they are too smart for that. Now they are trying to raise money from their listeners.
However, we here at IMAO managed to secure the first draft which was written by Al Franken. Of course, later it was decided that one of the Kennedys (Slogan: It’s been ages since our last rape trial) should use the family name and reputation to help in the fundraising process.
Why is a first draft so important? It tells us what they were really thinking. Take a look at this one folks.
After the recent elections where we proclaimed victory, it seems that I get the same three questions from conservatives over and over again:
Here is the list of our wonderful victories…
·*In St. Paul, Minnesota the incumbent Democratic mayor, was defeated, by another Democrat! Yes, even beating ourselves counts as victory.
·* In Maine, an effort to repeal a law that protects gays and lesbians from discrimination was defeated. This would have put a damper on the new Sexual Awareness Holiday: Dress as a Transvestite Day. This year the Governor will be dressing up as Madonna.
* In Texas, fully 24% of all voters rejected a ban on gay marriage. We assume the other 76% of voters were steers.
*In California (State Motto: Would you like that abortion To Go?) we gained an amazing victory in a land dominated by Republicans in every way except voter registration and population.
But now is not the time to sit back and rest on our victories. Our fight to restore progressive values in America still has a long way to go. Our values are winning.
For example, in Jimmy Carter's new book which is available worldwide (except in Iran where it will be held for 444 days), he cites the evil corrupt Republicans for making terrorists angry at us. Jimmy Carter knows appeasement.
But have we made an impact? Air America has made tremendous progress in the last two years.
1) Join the Air America community by strongly supporting the AAR Associates campaign by clicking here
2) If you're listening to Air America Radio on your local station, thank them for carrying your favorite AAR programs. Please beg them not to replace Al Franken with Earl’s Talkin’ About Fishin’ and Bait.
3) If you don't yet have an Air America Radio affiliate in your area, let us know today. It will make you feel heard and that's what really matters.
The biggest obstacle progressives face isn't even the Bush Administration or a Republican-controlled Congress. Our greatest challenge continues to be the stranglehold of the right-wing propaganda machine over our nation's media. Thirty percent of Americans now say that their primary source of news is talk radio.
And fully ninety percent of talk radio is dominated by the leading propagandists of the Right: Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Michael Savage and their factually-challenged ilk.
With your strong support, Air America Radio has defied the so-called "experts" who said that progressive talk radio would never succeed. In some markets, we are even close to meeting the numbers previous posted by the All Caribbean station. In other markets , we come in second only to the Emergency Broadcast Signal (Another Bush-Rove plot –we’re sure about it.)
In less than twenty months, Air America Radio has grown to include more than 70 stations, reaching over 60% of the country. In many markets we are hitting the stars, which are the asterisks denoting that the audience is too small to measure, but that’s because they seek to disenfranchise those listeners. Another Bush-Cheney-Rove plot.
More than ever, we must continue that growth. With the 2006 mid-term elections less than a year away, we need Air America Radio to remain a powerful voice for progressive values in the public square.
Please won’t you give today?
As we approach the Thanksgiving holiday, which we don’t believe should be a holiday because the white man took the Indians’ land – we look forward to receiving even more money.
Wow. Sometimes I just can't believe what we're up against.
November 16, 2005
i don't wanna bag on them...
the only more retarded name they could have come up with would be Less Traveled Stream Media.
what else could they have come up with that would have been more retarded? (btw, i mean retarded stupid, not retarded handicapped. because it's not funny to make fun of handicapped people. only jerkfaces do that.)
UPDATE: AN OUT!! apparently, the name Open Source Media is already taken (thanks John Hawkins Who Never Votes for Me for the link)! here's your chance to change the name to something not stupid and boring! it's a legal issue! kinda like that Presidential documents thingy got the President out of the Miers debacle. oops, we changed the name to one that was already taken! guess we'll have to make it something else. personally, i liked PJs Media and didn't think they needed to change the name to something generic and indescript.
I Question Their Patriotism!
Some people question the patriotism of the Mainstream Media because of their incessant coverage of American casualties in the War on Terror and the way they'll flock to any random group of smelly hippies if there's a "No Blood For Oil!" sign in their midst.
Or print up a sign for them, if there isn't one handy.
But I don't think that "unpatriotism" is a fair verdict to hand down. They don't make the news, they just report it. It's not like they're actually out shooting our troops in the streets of Baghdad.
Sure, that's only because journalists are pansys who can't muster the umph to cover the 4 pounds of pressure needed to pull a trigger - plus Baghdad doesn't have a Starbucks - but really, they're merely harmless buffoons, and not seditious, unpatriotic traitors.
On the other hand, there IS a serious threat to the patrioticality of America out there, and it's HUMOR BLOGS!
Iowahawk - Documented to be on Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi's payroll. I mean, why else would he turn down that ham sandwich I offered him?
Day By Day - Keeps American soldiers hostage in his basement as a bargaining chip towards eventual syndication. Fortunately, his foul scheme is hopeless since - as I mentioned above - American newspapers are patriotic.
Cox & Forkum - Draws terrorists as muscley studs while portraying Condi with a beer gut. Yeah... wonder whose side THEY'RE on.
Lileks - From Minnesota. Which is next to Canada. Which is where cooties come from. And possibly terrorists. But definitely socialized medicine. And cooties.
ScrappleFace - This once-patriotic American loyalist betrayed his country early on in the War by causing the word "weasel" to become associated with the pro-terrorist backstabbery of the French. Once proudly associated with such American traditions as chicken-thieving and the practice of law, weasels are now merely another shameful creature in a beret.
"Gee," I hear you say, "humor blogs DO seem to be a direct threat to the safety and security of all American citizens, but what about IMAO? Isn't that a humor blog, too?"
Yes, but IMAO is the only patriotic humor blog. Look at the IMAO crew, and you see the face of America:
* Frank J: Native-American (well, he WAS born in Florida, so he's technically not an immigrant)
We're even thinking of breaking Spacemonkey's legs to better represent
Hush-hush on that. Monkey doesn't know about it yet.
Meanwhile, I'm pre-emptively denying that this post is just part of a vicious smear-campaign against blogs that will be competing against IMAO in the "Best Humor Blog" category of The 2005 Weblog Awards (voting to begin on December 1st), and I question the patriotism of anyone who says otherwise.
With the Democrats asserting Bush lied, I've really gotten confused. See, back when I took my SATs, I got one question wrong in the math section. So, does that mean I was incorrect on one question on the SATs or that I lied on my SATs and should repent my sins?
In My World: Foreign Interference
"I can't believe when I told the Chinese to respect human rights and be more democratic like Taiwan, they called that 'foreign interference,'" Bush griped, "And then, when they took us to a soccer game and I ran out on the field, grabbed the ball, and ran away giggling, they called that 'foreign interference' too."
"Have you thought of giving back the ball?" Laura asked.
Bush clutched the soccer ball tightly. "No, it's mine! Anyway, I'm so mad, I think I'm going to stab the Chinese with a steak knife. When's dinner?"
"We're probably going to be eating with chopsticks anyway," Bush sulked, "Those aren't as good for stabbing."
They were lead into the dining room with the evil Communist Chinese leader. Bush then got a phone call. "What?!"
"It's Harry Reid. We want you to admit that you lied to us about the reasons for going to war."
"But you all said the same things before the war!" Bush shouted, "We even have a commercial out of that."
"Well... then we lied to ourselves, but you lying as the President is much worse."
"Fine, when I get back I'll kick you in the nuts and smash your head into some drywall. How's that?"
"I wouldn't like that at all!"
"Then shut up!" Bush hung up the phone and turned to the evil Communist Chinese leader. "Explain to me your one party system again."
"I'll explain to you more than that, American president," said the evil Communist Chinese leader sinisterly. Sitting next to him was an American in a suit. "I have with me a representative from Cisco Systems. With his help, I can now further oppress my people with out Commie evil! Yes, with capitalism and Communism working together, I have even more power to spread evil!" The evil Communist Chinese leader then laughed evilly and the Cisco Systems rep joined in.
"Now you're corrupting our capitalism with your Commie evil!" Bush yelled angrily, "I won't let this stand!"
"There is nothing you can do!" the evil Communist Chinese leader shot back, "As we speak, Microsoft is writing software to better organize the execution of dissidents!"
"I've had enough of your Commie evil!" Bush declared, "I'm going to support Taiwan breaking off from you jokers!"
"You wouldn't dare!"
"I would! My poll ratings are in the toilet, and I don't care! I do what I wan'!"
The evil Communist Chinese leader's smile disappeared. "Perhaps you will care that you've walked into my... NINJA TRAP!" He then rang a bell and ropes dropped from the ceiling. Then descended a dozen ninjas surrounding President Bush and Laura.
"Not a ninja trap!" Bush exclaimed, "That's the worst kind of trap!"
"Not again," Laura sighed as the evil Communist Chinese leader ran off laughing.
"Only one thing to do," Bush said. He then ripped off his shirt and sank into a martial arts pose. "Go commandeer a helicopter to get us out of here," Bush called out to Laura as he kung fu fought the ninjas, "I have a score to settle with the evil Communist Chinese leader."
Laura pulled a gun out of her purse. "I'm starting to hate these foreign visits."
* * * *
Bruised and battered, Bush stumbled through the storm up to the top of the mountain. "Last I remembered, it was sunny out. I then made a right at the bathroom, and I'm not sure how I got here."
"I think this stormy mountaintop will make the perfect place for our final battle," said the evil Communist Chinese leader.
"If you say so, but it's kinda hard to hear you with the wind and rain and thunder and what-not."
The evil Communist Chinese leader took up a martial arts pose. "I think we both knew your visit would end this way."
"Actually, I was hoping it would end with one of those parades with the dragons, but, whatever."
"RED DRAGON PUNCH!" the evil Communist Chinese leader shouted as he punched Bush in a flash of red flame. Bush flew backwards and landed hard on the ground.
"Ow!" he moaned.
"Ha!" said the evil Communist Chinese leader, "You are no match for my Commie kung fu! It will spread pain equally throughout your body!"
"Actually, my head hurts more than anything else."
"Well, some things are more equal than others. RED DRAGON AX KICK!" The evil Communist leader tried to crush Bush with a dropping heel kick, but he rolled out of the way.
"Maybe we should go back to that diplomacy thing," Bush suggested sheepishly.
"It is too late for that!" the evil Communist Chinese leader declared, "Now your American hegemony will end!"
"My what money?"
"I will defeat you, and then I will launch my nuclear arsenal at America! I'm pretty sure some of them have will actually be able to reach California now."
"You will not harm Cal-ee-forn-ya!" came a shout from behind the evil Communist Chinese leader. He was then lifted into the air. "I am Arnold! I will crush you! Dah!" The Governator then tossed the evil Communist Chinese leader off the mountain who screamed until he disappeared into the darkness below.
Bush looked down over the side of the mountain. "Since we can't see his body, we can only assume he is dead." He turned to Arnold. "What are you doing here?"
"Ever since all my proposition were defeated in the election, I have been wandering stormy mountain tops in my depression," Arnold sobbed.
"Don't worry," Bush told him, "You'll have time to make a comeback and crush your enemies as always. Until then, just beat up Democrats in the hallways like I do."
A helicopter flew near them, Laura holding a gun to the pilot's head. "Can we get out of here?" Laura called out, "We really need to have better foreign trips."
"Maybe next we can try and have diplomatic relations with Hawaii for a change," Bush said as he walked to the helicopter with Arnold.
The captive pilot rolled his eyes. "Idiot."
Santa Answers - Part I
Posted by RightWingDuck as a favor to Santa Claus.
Santa has been kind enough to answer questions for the fans of IMAO. You folks have no idea how special you are!
Here are just some of the questions that you asked Santa along with his special one of a kind answers....
Ask Santa - A special IMAO session
Question: Santa - Since Christmas has not been cancelled due to a strike or labor costs, I assume that your elves are non-union. Am I correct?
Posted by The Man
Ho, ho, ho. You are so The Man. yes, you're right. I don't use union labor. This explains why products from the North Pole seldom break down.
You know the secret - hiring the right people You should interview one of my foremen Elves - like Juan Garcia. Or the other Juan Garcia. Unfortunately, this year I did lose some elves when they decided to go get some work rebuilding New Orleans.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Question: Santa - I would really like to have Chucky Schumer's head on a pike for Christmas.
Posted by jimmyb
Ho ho ho. Oh, Jimmy B. You ask for that every Christmas. I'd like to say yes to you, but only if that is also the wish of Chucky Schumer himself. Otherwise, I'll have to bring you your second choice - Barbra Streisand Sings Her Favorite War Protest Love Songs.
Ho. Ho. Ho. Merry Christmas, little Jimmy.
Question: Oh Santa...I have a weakness for furry, overweight men, with bags full of neat toys - Does Mrs. Clause ever let you out, other than Christmas time?
Posted by Wonder Woman
If you like getting frisky, may I suggest you use something besides the invisible jet? Really, lady, you're not hiding anything. You're on the naughty list this year and I didn't even have to do any spying. Mrs. Claus and I enjoy each other's company very much. Thanks for asking.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Question:Do the rumors of you being a communust have any substance or are they false? Also, if they are true how do I break the news to my very conservative, commie hateing young childern?
Posted by -[Medic]-
Ho. Ho. Ho. I tell you Medic, that's not fair. I swear, you vote Democrat ONE time and you never get to live it down! I was young, I needed the money! Tell your children that Santa Claus is All American. This year, have them check their stockings. They'll find an extra box of ammo.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Question: Santa, Are you really Satan? I mean, you're big, red, and your anagram is clearly S-A-T-A-N. Plus, you come thru the chimney like a thief???
Posted by rightwingimmigrant
Ho, ho, ho. Close RWI, in fact, my name is Stan A. It's a family name. BTW, when the hell did Satan come down the chimney?
Question: Santa, If you don't give me my official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle this Christmas, I'm gonna shoot your eye out.
Do we understand each other?
PS- No hard feelings. I just have to be able to defend myself from Scut Farkas and the monkey ninjas.
Posted by Ralphie
Ah Ralphie. How are you? Ho, ho, ho. I enjoy sticking my size 12 boot in your face. Merry Christmas. BTW, try not insulting the people you need. What are you - a Democrat?
Question: Dear Santa,
It has cost me years of Therapy and Support Group meetings to get over the sight of you and my dear ma-ma getting it on under the tree. So I have a few Christmas requests:
1. All the money I spent on Therapy
So, it's time to pay the piper you lecherous fat bastard. Pay up or things might get unpleasant.
With Love, Jesse
Ho, Ho, Ho, Jesse. What therapy? You keep writing to Ask Ducky! Your mom, Insert Her Name Here, was very special to me.
Besides, there's something I need to tell you. How do I say this to you? Sigh, oh look at you. You have my eyes....
Posted by John
Ho. Ho. Ho, John.
Did you think that EVERYONE was good this year?
Okay, everyone. That's it for Ask Santa.
Santa and I will go through more of your questions soon. Remember, you are running out of shopping days, so make each day count.
Santa will be back tomorrow with even more questions answered. It's not too late to ask even more questions in comments.
November 15, 2005
Where's My Thumb-Screws?
The smart people in Congress have been arguing whether to outlaw torture. Personally, I have never had a problem with torture. Before I would torture someone, though, I would need to be clear about a few things:
* Do I like this person?
If I don't like someone, then I want that person hurt. Also, I don't care about people I don't know, so torturing them is fine.
Now, most of these arguments about torture involve terrorists. I don't like terrorists and I don't know them, so they fit my strict guidelines for torture. They should be beaten, electrocuted, have bamboo shoots stuck under their fingernails, and anything else you can think of. They might even give up someone useful information during the torture, but no one should be tortured for information; that ruins the purity of torture. The point of torture is hurting bad people, and we should keep that focus lest we become as bad as those we shock in the gonads.
It's that time of the year. That special holiday time when we gather round - hog tie Bill Frist and stick an apple... no wait..
It's time for the Weblog Awards!!!
Go now and nominate IMAO.
We are funny. We are talented.
And if you don't nominate us - we'll hunt you down and kill you.
Year One of Making Me Mad
Cadet Happy's website made for parodying SarahK's site is about a year old. Here's his favorite photoshops from that year. Yeah, so much of it are in jokes that only make sense if you follow SarahK's site, but it's frick'n hilarious anyway.
November 14, 2005
You Vote or I Cut You!
Since SarahK got together a great podcast for you (actually, I haven't heard it, yet), you go vote for her to be Queen of Hearts on the blogger deck or cards. She's in fourth place, but I know my readers can make the difference.
IMAO for the Non-Deaf #19
47,000 Channels and Nothing On
The latest IMAO Podcast is up! This week, the IMAO gang take you through TV land (and Maine)! In this episode...
According to Glenn Reynolds, Andrew Sullivan is moving to TIME.COM.
I wonder if he'll continue the endless "I'm a poor gay progressively moderate conservative/moderately conservative progressive blogger(*DOWWTUWIB)" pledge drive now that the Daily Dish is on Time.com.
Since. Time = Money. and all.
Which brings up the question- "Are Time magazine and Money magazine the same magazine?"
* Depending On Which Way The, Uh, Wind Is Blowing
RightWingDuck here with a special exclusive. As you know, we here at IMAO have friends in powerful places. Just the other day, I was given the best meal in the joint just because of my powerful connections - AND I was able to supersize it.
Well, it turns out that Santa Claus and I are now back on speaking terms. Sure, he was a bit sore at me from that incident in 1988 where my dad pulled a shotgun on him, but what would YOU do if someone came down YOUR chimney.
Maybe we went a bit far when we took all his toys, but - in our defense - we were poor and greedy.
So, Santa and I have made up and guess what?
Guess? Stop being so lazy and take a guess -!!
That's right! Santa Claus will be here at IMAO all week to answer your questions. Then he has to get out of here to go work on the Christmas stuff.
Is there something you always wanted to ask Santa? Now is your chance! Post in comments.
Go Ahead! ASK SANTA!!!
P.S. Oh, yeah. I still owe IMAO readers that last Ask Ducky. Oh, well. Maybe Santa and I will take turns answering questions.
Where's My 'Cast?
The new IMAudiO should be availble later today (SarahK was up 'till four in the morning editing). It looked really funny on paper, but I've yet to hear any soundclips other than what I recorded myself, so it will be a surprise to us all.
Be honorable, ronin.
November 13, 2005
Ten things I won't cook for Thanksgiving
Here are ten things I will not cook for Thanksgiving
10. Pumpkin Paella
However, I will make recipes available at some point in the coming week.
November 12, 2005
Still, It's Better than All That Anime That's Now Saturday Morning Cartoons
Caught a bit of Michelle Malkin co-hosting on FOX & Friends this morning. While she's good subbing for Hannity or O'Reilly (that time she subbed for Colmes was a disaster), I think she needs to work on her mindless exuberance needed for a morning show.
I still need to buy her new book. Anyone here read it yet?
November 11, 2005
don't know jack (?)
go over to aaron's blog and vote for sarahk in the deck of bloggers thing
you only get to vote once, so don't do something stupid like click a different name
voting ends Monday at midnight
UPDATE: and don't forget to vote for . . .
. . . the king of queens
Notice of Class Action Lawsuit
Just got a letter in the mail today:
From the office of Glenn Reynolds, Esq., J.D., PPBLNDR:
Since the earliest days of the American Republic, people have looked up into the night sky with awe and wonder, seeking hope and inspiration for their lives as they contemplated the heavenly lights, the most brilliant and uplifting of which is... The Moon.
Yet there are those who - in their desperate quest for filthy profits - would desecrate this sacred symbol of ancient wisdom.
Like Frank J., of IMAO who proudly - PROUDLY! - displays a picture on his site of our precious moon being atomically violated:
This atrocious sight has been clinically proven to induce Post-Traumatic Nuclear Moon Syndrome in those viewing this image. Symptoms of PTNMS include:
* Fear of looking up at the night sky
If you or someone you love exhibits any of these PTNMS symptoms brought on by Frank J's reckless moon abuse, you may be entitled to compensation. Just send an e-mail to EvilGlenn@emptythedeeppockets.com explaining how your life has been decimated by irresponsible luno-nuclear photoshoppery and let me help you along the road to healing.
Glenn Reynolds is nothing but a vile, avaricious, gold-digger! Show your support for IMAO by buying a Nuke The Moon T-shirt today. $1 from every sale will go directly to the IMAO Moon-Nukers Legal Defense Fund and/or toward buying SarahK shiny, pretty things.
talent like this needs to be showcased!
maggie katzen has done laurence one better and combined apolitical Friday cat blogging AND verteran's day
A Hero's Story for Veteran's Day
Happy Veteran's Day (which also is the birthday of my brother, returning veteran Sgt. Joe foo' the Marine). Before I told you about Joe Lowe, one of my brother's friends from the Marines who was paralyzed by an attack on his tank which wounded other Idaho Marines. Today, you can read the story of Sgt. Luke Miller, also a Boise Marine and friend of my brother, who helped rescue those injured in the attack. The full story is here and a video clip of an interview with him is here.
He risked his life to help his fellow Marines, and yesterday he was honored in D.C. with the Military Vanguard Award, bestowed annually upon one member of each branch of the military.
Today is a day to remember the America's heroes, both those living and those who have sacrificed for this country and for the freedom of others.
Thanks to all you Veterans out there. The price of freedom was and continues to be paid for by you, personally, your family and all your brave veteran brothers and sisters and their families.
I can't say enough how much we (the IMAO family and our wonderful readers and listeners) appreciate you and your service to our great nation.
THANK YOU and may the good Lord bless you and yours!
(IMAO Readers and IMAudiO listeners, put your own message of thanks to our awesome vets in the comments)
Hey Vet's, there's probably more messages of thanks in the comments, check them out! See how much we appreciate you!
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Today, it's Nardo the Flippykitty trying out the new comforter:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
November 10, 2005
Mohammed the Cartoon?
Apparently, there's some kind of taboo or law in Islam that forbids depicting Mohammed the Prophet. So, the cultural editor of Denmark's largest newspaper decided to put it to the test as a greater test of tolerance within the barely-assimilated Islamic immigrant community of his home country...
"This issue goes back to Salman Rushdie. It's about freedom of speech and Islam," says an unrepentant [Flemming] Rose, who feels a culture of fear and self-censorship has taken hold across Europe since Dutch filmmaker Theo van Gogh was murdered for criticizing traditional Islam's treatment of women.
An imam disagreeing with freedom of speech and a free press and Western European democratic values? Well, isn't that a shocker. Color me Pantone 186 Surprised.
But getting back to Flemming Rose... what kind of idiot depicts Mohammed in cartoons just to rile them up? I mean, if you want to test them, why not print the paper with pig's blood or print an edition on thinly-sliced ham?
The nerve of some people.
In My World: The French Are Revolting
"Sacre Bleu!" screamed a Frenchman, "The... uh... 'youths' are rioting."
"Death to the infidels!" shouted a "youth."
"Where are our leaders?" asked another Frenchman.
"Jacques Chirac is under his le desk peeing his le pants!" answered the first.
* * * *
"Being President is fun," Bush mused to himself, "but I wonder if I can get a better office."
The phone then rang.
"Hello, this is the most powerful man in the world," Bush answered, "Me; Dubya!"
"It's I, Jacques Chirac!" cried a panicked Chirac.
"What do you want, Jacques-strap?" Bush asked with annoyance.
"The streets are on fire because of rioting... uh... 'youths.'"
"Yep, those kids and their rap music can be trouble."
"Uh, no, not that kind of youths, I mean, the uh... 'youths' who are very invested in their religion."
Bush furrowed his brow in confusion. "You mean a Bible camp has gotten out of control?"
"Uh... different religion. More with... uh... veils... and calling people infidels."
"Oh, you got wacky Muslims running about."
"Youths!" Chirac quickly corrected Bush.
"Whatever. So what do you want me to do about it? I'm not popular with Muslims... still, the never riot here."
"I need your help to stop them before they destroy all that is French! It is your duty!"
"Hey, if we Americans always bail out you French, you'll never learn to take care of yourselves. Why doesn't your people shoot the rioters, Jacques-strap?"
"We don't have guns!"
"Well, that's short sighted of ya."
"Please! Help us! They're burning my car as we speak!"
Bush thought for a moment. "Fine. But you have to hold a press conference and admit you're a girl."
* * * *
"French President Jacques Chirac is about to make a public address about the rioting Mus... 'youths,'" said the anchorman. Before a podium stood Chirac.
"It is important that I tell you all to remain calm and that..." Chirac stepped out from behind the podium revealing he was wearing a dress. He then pranced about saying, "I'm a dainty little girl!"
* * * *
"I didn't say anything about a dress or dancing," Bush told Chirac over the phone.
"I wanted to commit to the part," Chirac responded, "So, will you help us?"
"Sure. Here's what you do. First, play to your strengths. Surrender to the 'youths' and let them run the government. Then form an insurgency to fight the ruling 'youths.' Then the media will hound the 'youths' about how they’re in a quagmire and must pull out."
"I wanted you to send troops!"
"Well, that's all you’re getting 'cause I don't like you." Bush then hung up the phone and looked around the room. "Maybe the reason I don't like this office is because it's kinda roundish."
It's an IFOC Christmas!
Well, folks, some of y'all have seen the Christmas decorations go up in the malls and various public spaces that the ACLU hasn't quite got to yet, so this can only mean one thing: Holiday Stress.
I find that the best way to deal with Holiday Stress, other than ranting a limo and taking up seven primo parking spaces in the mall parking lots, is to take a step back and mock the absurdity of it all at Christmas is Full Of Crap, the wretched descendant of Michele C.'s original Ho Ho Holy (stronger word than Crap that makes Sarah K do that "icky" face).
The resident Santa, flaws and all, will be glad to answer your wishes and questions, while the rest of the gang engages in their usual demented merriment.
Be careful, though. He's drunk.
"Where's my bourbon?"
Oh, and if you'd like to join in the confused, rancorous, bewildered authorship of the site, feel free to write me with the role you'd like to don for the season.
So don't let this Holiday Season leave you with nothing but broken toys, shredded wrapping paper, and a credit rating damaged beyond all repair - make some holiday memories as well.
Proposition H - A fun look at gun control
San Francisco recently passed Proposition H, which bans the ownership of guns in homes and businesses.
I for one am comforted by the fact that San Francisco has taken this safety measure. Now when some big dude meets you along a dark street, you’ll know that it’s not a gun in his pocket. The downside of course is that he’s really happy to see you.
This has gotten me to thinking about Proposition H. Sure, it’s currently being challenged by the National Rifle Association (Motto: Don’t make us shoot you), but it doesn’t mean that some GOOD things can’t come from all of this.
I’d like to offer some...
Observations on Proposition H.
Health Insurance costs may not go down, but at least working conditions will be much better – for criminals.
It is finally easier to identify the criminals. They’re the ones with the guns. The victims are the ones lying in the pool of blood.
More good news. Most shootings will now be intentional.
Proposition H pitted two big players. The “No” side was supported heavily by the NRA. The “Yes” side was heavily supported by the Trauma Centers.
Guns are banned to all private citizens, except police officers. Citizens are still allowed to carry Super Soakers.
Note: All Super Soakers must sport a bright orange tip.
Given a choice between disarming a criminal and disarming legal gun owners – it’s better to screw the gun owners. They tend to vote republican.
Proposition H scored very well with people who had both bad eyesight and hemmoroids.
Reading the fine print we see that Prop H also changes the city motto to: Make Love Not War.
This is better than the old motto: Participate in cheap sex, not violence.
Now that there are no handguns for citizens, SF residents will have to fend off attackers with rape whistles, pepper spray, and sexually transmitted diseases.
Question: When the Village People tour San Francisco – do they have to disarm the Policeman?
Now, the city is working on a new education program for the criminal element. If only they KNEW it was illegal, then they would stop using guns.
Thug 1. Hey, I just learned today that carrying this weapon is illegal.
The phrase Saturday Night Special now applies only prostitutes.
Gun owners will now be moving out. Which is good- those people are dangerous.
Gun exchange programs should prove to be pretty popular. In the past, cities have offered gift cards, video games, and even cash. The next few months should prove to be very interesting.
When the U.S. Navy visits, they’ll be given a chance to exchange their guns for similar items. Choices include, video games, gift cards, and Saturday Night Specials.
I Want to Be the Card "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"
Aaron Kowalski (actually, I don't know his last name, so I made one up) is making a blogger deck of cards. I think IMAO should be one of the Jokers. Also, I nominate the lovely and talented SarahK to be Queen of Diamonds since she's so pretty and has diamonds I gave her which are shiny. If anyone else wants nominations, you can suck up to me now.
Clubs can be voted on now at Aaron's site.
230 Years of Kill'n For'ners
Happy birthday, Marines!
As usual, Malkin has more.
Actually, why do you even bother coming to this site?
Fine; I'll get working on an In My World™.
UPDATE: Speaking of Marines, I just saw Tuesdays House last night. Just when I thought that show couldn't get any better, they cast R. Lee Ermey as House's father. Ooh-rah!
November 09, 2005
what happened on LOST??
i'll put most of this below the fold for those who haven't yet seen the episode.
for some reason, our DVR stopped recording right after Shannon and Sayid professed their love for each other. i predicted the whole episode that it would be Shannon who died this episode, unless they did the whole cop-out thing of killing a character that we just met (i.e., someone in the back of the plane). apparently, Shannon did, indeed, die right after our DVR stopped recording. but how, what happened, blah blah blah?
and what are the previews for next week's episode?
Short shameful confession
Yeah, the first thing I did was to check availability and prices for the Amman Grand Hyatt, Days Inn, and Radisson.
Looks like the Grand Hyatt just got yanked from the list. But the Radisson is still there and described as follows:
A 5 star full service property located just 2km from the city centre featuring a variety of spacious well equipped rooms and suites. The hotel also boasts 18 multi purpose conference rooms, Wings Club Bar & Oasis Lounge, in addition to 3 first class restaurants serving a wide variety of local and international food.
That's very nice, Mr. Shatner, but how thick are the walls and... um... far is the room from the lobby?
Lessons Learned from Election Day, 2005
* Even on odd numbered years, there are elections.
* Some people actually care about the fate of New Jersey.
* If I step on my cat's tail, she makes a sound that a cross between a monkey screech and chipmunk chatter.
* Arnold's ads of, "Vote for my propositions or I will crush you! I am Arnold!" were not particularly effective.
* Some election days don't have very many lessons.
Waking up in Texas
You know, I woke up this morning, yawned, stretched, but didn't feel like my marriage was defended any more than when I went to bed.
However, I did find a bloodstain the size of a dollar coin on my pillow as a result of Michael Moore's continued-but-diminished random spewing of venom and vile substances. I guess I need to put more gauze on my wounded face if I'm going to sleep on my right side.
Perhaps Texas can vote on an amendment to defend my face from Michael Moore?
Carnival of Comedy Reminder
Tommy at Almost Average will be hosting this week's (tomorrow's) Carnival of Comedy. In fact, I just NOW sent him the password and guidelines! Exciting isn't it?
Since the carnival is tomorrow and the deadline is tonight, it's not too late to bombard him with lots of last minute entries!
Go to the Conservative Cat's Carnival Submission Page and bombard away!
Woe Be We!
In case you missed it (I did) there were election last night, and Republicans lost at everything! If these trends continue, there won't be a single Republican holding an elected office by 2010 (except for Bloomberg, if that's any consolation - and it isn't). Glenn Reynolds blames everything on Terri Schiavo which is a little convenient since she's dead... and, even before that, she was incapable of defending herself (which is why she's now dead).
How can Republicans turn things around in time for next year? I'm thinking protests with large puppets. What do you think?
UPDATE: Yeah, I'm making things sound worse than they are. Come on; did we really want New Jersey?
November 08, 2005
How do you know that the IMAO Podcast is the bestest podcast ever?
Because I've told you so and you've never listened to any other podcast and you never will because to do so is treason against IMAO - the worst kind of treason!
This week's politically-conservative audio
From what I'm hearing from those involved with IMAudiO (a.k.a. the IMAO Podcast) production, it's doubtful you the fans will hear anything new from the IMAO Podcast by the Wednesday release date.
While you're patiently waiting, here are some politically-conservative audio offerings on the Internet from friends of IMAO that you can listen to right now:
UPDATE: Shelley the Republican (now going by the cool moniker of "STR") acknowledged the hat tip from me on her blog just before she posted some interesting stats on violence in the ten most populous Muslim nations. Good read, STR!
Bush Is Not Doing His Job
Kos has been all over all of Bush's lies and coverups, and now he's revealing how the US has been using chemical weapons on civilians in Iraq. When will Bush kill Kos before he reveals more of the truth? This government sponsored murder seems long overdue.
Helping the French - Solutions
For those of you who aren’t in the loop on this, young Muslim men (or as the press calls them -"youths") in Paris are rioting and causing mayhem. They have done so for 12 straight days. See, the end of Ramadan is traditionally celebrated by young Muslims with the traditional Lighting of French Police Cars. This has been met by some resistance from a certain segment of the French population – mainly police.
Many observations have been offered, and they basically come in a few flavors.
Flavor One: France was asking for this by allowing so much immigration and then not allowing them to assimilate into society. These “youths” are being portrayed as disenfranchised and outcast. I don’t blame them for being angry. Being told by French Society that you just don’t fit in? Isn’t that like having Michael Moore call you Mr. Fatty Fat Fat?
Flavor Two: The French are too secular for Muslims and are creating tension because of this. Critics note the banning of the Muslim headscarf, and crosses, and anything that resembles like it might be spiritual. Personally, I feel they went to far when they banned Frisbees because people might mistake them for UFO’s.
Flavor Three: HAHAHAHAHAHHA. It must be weird watching those “youths” burn all those white flags, huh? Oh, and HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA
In France’s defense, they ARE taking a few steps to stop all the rioting. In fact, they have imposed a curfew. So not only are these rioters causing destruction – but they’re also up past their bedtime! French police hope to achieve victory as soon as these young men get sleepy.
In the interest of international relations – and having a laugh at someone else’s expense – but mostly in the interest of international relations – I’d like to offer some solutions for the French. Granted – none of these solutions are perfect, but I hope that these suggestions can work as a starting point.
RWD’s Solutions for dealing with young, rioting, disaffected “youths”.
Solutions. Midnight Sports Leagues
Advantages: Basketball is growing in popularity in Europe. More kids are playing it now more than ever before!
Advantage: Everyone (who is not American) loves soccer. Good cardiovascular exercise.
A bit of Good news. Paris is still a hot vacation spot.
Bad news, it’s for terrorists who are stressed out fighting in Iraq.
Tariqu: I’m stressed out. We’re doing horribly.
Abdul. Don’t worry. We’ll send the DNC some press releases on how awful the US is doing. That wil lincrease morale and bring fresh recruits.
Tariq: I’m just tired. I think I need a vacation. How about Paris?
Abdul: Great idea! We’ll walk the Rue De Surrender and maybe even burn a few cars. It’ll be good for us.
There are a few candidates:
Help from America.
Disadvantage: That Save Your Butt Twice Get The Third Butt Saving Free coupon expired – when did it expire – oh yeah, when they stabbed us in the back on Iraq.
Another Factor: Does France have any oil?
Help from Holland:
Advantage: Is gearing up a battle with it’s own Muslim (oops – I mean youth) population.
Help From Spain:
Advantage: Good ally. Lives nearby.
There are no perfect solutions in all of this. Please, if you have any suggestions, we welcome them in the comments section.
Remember, France is a friend to America. Let’s do all we can.
Know Thy Enemy: Riots
The riots in France have gone on for 12 nights. It's gotten so bad, that Jacques Chirac decided to actually mention it. Also, they now have a curfew (no mindless destruction after hours). Riots can always be a problem, so I had my crack research team find all they can about riotousness.
FUN FACTS ABOUT RIOTS
* A "riot" is made of people acting out by destroying everything in sight and committing violence in a seemingly random fashion. This shouldn't be confused with the movie Naked Gun which is a "laugh riot."
* Sometimes rioters can be confused with an angry mob. A mob tends to be more focused, so, if the destruction is less random, such as storming Frankenstein's castle with torches and pitchforks, it's probably a mob.
* Rioters are often poor youths who feel alienated from modern society. Thus, rioters can be quelled by ending economic disparity. A shotgun blast also works.
* If confronted by rioters, stand still, wave your arms in the air, and yell really loud to scare them away.
* You can also shoot them.
* Serious. Considering the circumstances, you totally won't get in any trouble.
* Sometimes riots break out because the local sports team lost in a heated game. Or the local team won. Well, the root cause is always that a lot of people are idiots.
* Many people use a riot as an excuse to steal stuff, which just goes against the whole spirit of random violent.
* Rioters tend to break windows. Mark your windows with "FRAGILE" so rioters will handle them with care.
* Rioters will often burn cars. If possible, don't park near rioters.
* France is having an especially hard time with riots because it's hard to crack down on rioters and keep up that image of being extreme effeminate that the French are known for.
* If you find your kids rioting, address them very sternly and explain to them how rioting is only for grownups.
* Many rioters don't have any agenda and just get caught up in "riot fever" since they like smashing stuff. Try not to catch the fever yourself, because I'll shoot you dead.
* In France, many of the rioters are Muslim. So, if all your store does is sell bacon, you don't have to worry about theft!
* If the rioters are Muslim, have a pig guard your house and property. Muslims are extremely afraid of pigs since it was a pig who shot the prophet Mohammed.
* The main question posed by riots is "Can't we all just get along?" The answer is a definitive "No."
* With riots like those in France, you may face people who don't understand your language. It's best then to communicate with the barrel of a gun which is quite universal.
* While it's only an urban legend that if a rioter bites you that you become one, it's best to have the bite checked for an infection.
* Since rioters tend to be the poor and disaffected, they probably have low quality firearms that aren't accurate and jam a lot. So bring it on, I say!
* In a fight between rioters and Aquaman, Aquaman would try to trick everyone into rioting underwater where they would drown. It wouldn't work, and he'd then be set on fire.
* If you think you see a riot, call the police. They'll want to know where it's taking place so they can avoid that area and not get shot.
* If you're interested in preventing riots, make sure no one is videotaping you when you pummel belligerent drunk drivers.
* Also, don't be France.
* Actually, not being France is good advice no matter what.
Me and Michael Moore
Okay, so some of you know I've had a abscess-boil thing on my jawline for a week or so. It's not particularly painful, but it is a discomfort when it comes to walking around, yawning, and other jolting motions.
Based upon it's gigantic size, reddish exterior, infected interior, revolting alteration of the landscape of the right side of my face like his gross distortion of the conservative side of politics, and unwanted presence, I named it Michael Moore. I thought about calling it Ted Rall, but the bloody impressions upon the bandages I've changed out and the milky-red oozings in the sink actually look better than his cartoons.
I've been taking some very powerful antibiotics for Michael, and they've been working great. So good, that I've managed to mess up the bathroom mirror twice with long sprays of gore and bloody grime in cleaning the revolting abomination. (Which, once again, looked better than Rall cartoons.)
Anyway, the official drainage ceremony of Michael Moore was yesterday, performed by my favorite medical professional the health plan provideth.
During this drainage ceremony, the cleaning of the revolting object was described as "wonderful" and "great" and at one point "beautiful."
I can understand than when you compare just having to squeeze and lightly swab an infection which antibiotics are working well upon to one that would need a needle or knifework to access would be "easy" or "optimal" or possibly "good." But to describe an eruption of pus and blood that fills three gauze pads as "beautiful" sounds like a molestation of the language to me.
"Are you faint?" I was asked. "Do you need to lie back for a moment?"
"No, I'm just stunned at your choice of words, that's all," I said. "I'm not sure the word beautiful can be applied to such a process."
So now I've got a smaller aberration on my jawline, a slimmed-down version of Michael Moore like the slimmed-down post-fatfarm Moore that's sure to whale up the moment his limo passes those Golden Arches. To finish him off, I've gotten a heat/cold pack that works in the microwave.
I dream of being able to chew gum again. Yup. Can't chew gum. That irritates Michael Moore, because it's sugar-free gum and not, say, a dozen Big Macs.
Thanks a lot, Michael Moore.
I Bet He Wants Attention
Apparently some guy put in our comments back in September to put our money where our mouth is about global warming. Problem is, I don't remember getting any comments in the past couple months. Also, whether there is global warming or not, I really don't care. Can I bet a bag of ice if I'm wrong?
When asked: "Am I Evil?" Scott replies: "Not as much as you'd think"
According to the Gematriculator website "Experts consider the mathematical patterns in the text of the Holy Bible as God's watermark of authenticity. Thus, the Gematriculator provides only results that are absolutely correct."
Sadly, the Gematriculator says that IMAO on average has significantly more evil:
Don't get me wrong, IMAO still gets an acceptable grade in goodness but since the Gematriculator gave the other website that I'm a principal player on a 99% rating, I have to wonder who in IMAO is dragging down that goodness average?
I suppose you will all rush to cast the first stone in the Comments
November 07, 2005
Wikipedia Knows Too Much - Must Be Killed
Alabama Improper asks the age-old question:
And just what the hell does IMAO stand for anyway? Anyone?
Being sworn to secrecy on pain of death as part of my allegience to Frank J. (praise be his name), I nevertheless take this opportunity to point out that - just as Joe Wilson's connection to Valerie Plame required no illegal leaks beyond picking up a copy of "Who's Who" - anyone with access to Wikipedia can discover the meaning of this highly secretive acronym.
I'll just quote it in the extended entry...
Imaw (sometimes mistakenly spelled as Imao) is the leader of the Adamyans in the fantasy soap opera (locally known as telefantasya) Encantadia, being aired by GMA Network in Philippine television.
Now if you'll excuse me, I must flee Frank J's wrath...
French Are Rotting
Youths in France have been rotting for almost two weeks. Rotting day and night. The rotting has gotten so bad that cars have been burned.
I think they've been secretly rotting in France for a lot longer than 2 weeks though. What else would explain the stench?
They're not unwashed, they're undead!
The Mysteries of a Catholic Wedding
Over at Mountaineer Musings, SarahK says that her sister was a little... unclear... on Catholic wedding traditions:
she was very confused. she said that at first, she thought maybe it was a Catholic thing, having the groom’s name on his own goblet and his mother’s name on the bride’s goblet. she’s not known many Catholics so she thought it might be one of their traditions.
Having attended several Catholic weddings myself, I have to say that Sizzle - and probably SarahK, too - are BOTH in for a few surprises.
Since weddings are stressful enough, here's a list of little-known (although actually quite common) Catholic wedding rituals:
* Sacramental tequila shots (remember - Lick, Slam, Suck)
* Doritoes Xtreme Nacho Communion wafers
* Bride & groom both drag heavy, wooden crosses up the aisle. More Passion of the Christ means more Passion of the Couple.
* Bride slips the priest a $20 to skip the "if anyone here objects to this marriage" bit.
* Groom slips the priest a $100 to put it back in.
* Bride & groom gargle with holy water so that if they give their vows with a false heart, their tongues shall burst into flame.
* Bride & groom are encouraged to have a Best Fireman, and Extinguisher of Honor, respectively - just in case.
* Bibles in pews replaced by "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader", since these Catholic ceremonies tend to drag on a bit.
* After the words "man and wife" are pronounced, attendees charge the choir area for moshing and crowd-surfing.
* Please note that - since Catholic churches are considered "holy ground" - the beheading of fellow immortals is strictly prohibited during the ceremony.
That should pretty much cover it. Let me know if I missed anything.
How Long Until the French Are Rioting in Our Streets?
The French riots continue today, and, as much as we'd like to help our frenemies, we're busy. Still, it's alarming that the riots are starting to spill out of France into Belgium. At his rate, by the end of the month all of Europe will be caught in riots.
So, how do we keep the riots from reaching America?
Luckily, there is an ocean between us and Europe (if you don't believe me, try and find a map of the world using Google). Still, we should now make sure that any boat reaching our shores or plane landing on our... uh... land does not contain rioters. We should have people with like guns and badges in charge of this. Shiny badges. It is time to take this seriously before our own citizenry get infected with riotousness.
And, as always, if any government official wants to give me a badge, I promise to abuse my power to the betterment of the American people.
Kevin Smith loses his "movie-merch whore leader" status
Kevin Smith, AKA "Silent Bob" from the increasingly dull "View Askew" movies, has worked hard to make himself into the archetypal Hollywood hypocrite. One look at Smith's blog and you'll see what I mean. The guy is a machine-like movie merchandising whore for the 21st Century that loves it when he makes money but parrots Howard Dean's assertions about the evil Republican rich fat cats who never worked a day in their lives. Smith is the guy that actively sells used clothing and furniture from the sets of his crappy movies on his website to enrich his own life but thinks YOU are a jerk for being a money-grubbing Republican?
However, Smith has nothing on anti-liberal Hollywood filmmaker Vincent Gallo. Gallo, a true independent filmmaker and a guy that has much more in common with Republicans than Hollywood leftists, is selling his own sperm for $1 million on his website.
Kevin Smith has got to be kicking himself right now, sitting in his mansion saying: "Why didn't I think of that?" and crying in his bag of money...
UPDATE: If you have not already discovered the very funny blog of frequent commenter "Dr. E. Scientist, phD" I suggest you do so. The evil genius schtick has been done a million times before, but this guy is doing it right!
Even the Candidates' Mothers Don't Care
In case you didn't know (I didn't) tomorrow is Election Day for some extra-off-year elections. It's hard to get worked up on an odd number year; no national posts are up for a vote, not even the usually pre-determined elections for Representatives. Instead, there are a few mayor and governor elections. One of which I care a little about because is in the state I lived the longest: New Jersey. The New Jersey governor race is always on an extra-off-year because, if you've watched The Sopranos, you know the kind of people who live in Jersey like to avoid attention.
I still remember the slogans for one of those elections: "Florio Free in '93!" And we were. We had Christine Todd Whitman who was a Republican superstar for a while; she even gave the response to one of President Clinton's State of the Union speeches. I don't know what she's doing now; I think she's in drug rehab somewhere.
Leave Me Alone!
I think I might be an introvert. Ever since I was a kid, it has always been a big annoyance of mine that I'd be deep in thought and someone would interrupt me asking, "Are you all right?" Apparently I must have this look of distress when I'm thinking, no matter what the subject is.
SarahK caught on to that quickly. She may be an introvert, too. I'd ask her, but she hates it when I talk to her.
November 06, 2005
Fun Facts About Kentucky: The Director's Cut
The version on the IMAO podcast (#17 - October 19th) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears in the extended entry...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it's time to put the K in KFC, because we're headed out to Kentucky, so let's get started...
Kentucky became the 15th state on June 1, 1792, despite the fact that no one in the state can actually count that high.
The state sport of Kentucky is horse racing, mostly because you can't lose your license for "riding under the influence".
In Kentucky, spitting tobacco juice on someone is considered a friendly greeting, much like the "up yours!" of a New York cabbie.
Kentucky is one of America's leading coal-mining states. Coal miners are easily recognizable by their almost Frenchman-like layer of black filth.
The state flag of Kentucky consists of a blue background behind two pickups and a still.
While attending church services in Kentucky, remember that - traditionally - the collection plate is passed BEFORE the spittoon.
They get REALLY upset when you get that wrong.
The state reality TV show of Kentucky is the Jerry Springer show, or - as it's known locally - "Southern Survivor".
When visiting a Civil War battlefield in Kentucky, try not to laugh out loud if the guide mentions how "we purt' near won that battle".
The state flower of Kentucky is Goldenrod, which should not be confused with that crappy James Bond movie starring Pierce Brosnan.
The state motto of Kentucky is "United we stand, divided we fall, drunk we pass out."
This replaced the old motto of "4 million people, 15 last names".
There are no newspapers in Kentucky, as being literate is considered snooty.
Although Kentucky is bordered by seven different states, Kentuckians rarely shop across state lines, since most stores in other states have firm "no shoes, no teeth, no service" policies.
Kentucky's nickname is the Bluegrass state.
Yeah, we all know grass is GREEN, but if you try to tell THEM that, they'll think you're just being snooty.
Kentucky is the only state in the US where drivers routinely hit their brakes before running over banjo players.
The electric lightbulb was first demonstrated at the Southern Exposition in Louisville, Kentucky in 1883, but was dismissed by locals as just another passing fad, like horseless carriages and soap.
Kentucky's name comes from the Iroquois Indian word "Ken-tah-ten", which means, "wife... sister... what's the difference?"
The state song of Kentucky is the Hee Haw Theme.
Kentucky has a population of 4 million people, all of whom are nicknamed Bubba.
Except for the women, of course, who are nicknamed Bubba Mae.
Or Auntie Mom.
The state tree of Kentucky is whichever one the Governor drives into while drunk. This week it's the tulip poplar.
The Kentucky Derby is the oldest continuously-run horse race in America, and was the inspiration for such other races as the Kentucky Stetson and the Kentucky Yarmulke.
Heather French became the first Miss America from Kentucky in 1999. She beat out Miss Alabama by correctly answering the question, "What is a toothbrush used for?"
Colonel Harlan Sanders opened his first fried chicken restaurant in Corbin, Kentucky in 1952. It was hugely successful, unlike his earlier chain of Kentucky Fried Possum.
Both Abraham Lincoln and Confederate President Jefferson Davis were born in Kentucky. They attended the same school as John Wilkes Booth, who routinely beat them both up and stole their lunch money.
The song "Happy Birthday To You" was written by two sisters from Louisville, Kentucky in 1893, and was originally titled, "I'm Too Cheap to Buy You a Present".
The first enamel bathtub was made in Louisville, Kentucky in 1856 and was immediately destroyed by a mob of angry hillbillies.
The world's largest cave is in Kentucky's Mammoth Cave National Park. Its vast, dark, emptiness is frequently compared to a Hillary Clinton presidency.
Well, that wraps up the Kentucky edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be slogging through the bayous of Louisiana
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go rescue my bathtub from angry hillbillies.
[The complete e-book version of "Fun Facts About the 50 States" is now available at Amazon.com. If you don't have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]
November 05, 2005
Support Our Troops - Today!!
Want to support our troops?
Heres a place for you to visit. It's a great project that helps injured veterans gain access to computers.
Blackfive has the details. It looks like a friendly interservice competition to see who can raise the most money. I would have enrolled IMAO on the Army side - GO ARMY!! - but I know that Harvey worked in this cruise line called the Navy.
So, regardless of service affiliation, go and give money.
UPDATE: This is an appeal to all Army Dawgs. The Navy - yes, the NAVY - is kicking our butt in this fundraiser. What's next? The sky turning red? Cats chasing dogs? Michael Moore selling an Ab exerciser? Give!!! and then give some more.
Seriously - as long as you give it doesn't matter what branch of service you back.
Frank J.'s Worst Nightmare
Some of you know that I write a lot of 100 word stories at a site called 100 Words Or Les Nessman. The small group of "House Writers" post up stories based on a daily theme, and they rotate theme-selection duties.
Visitors are welcome to post their own 100 word stories in the comments. Sort of like an Iron Chef kind of thing, only that people in the audience will sometimes reach into their purses for their hibachis and starter ingredients.
Anyway, today's theme is of some concern:
Everybody loves them, or is that hates them, or whatever.
Monkeys? Ruling the world?
You won't let that happen, Frank, right? No nasty, smelly monkeys are going to take over the world on your watch?
I really don't want to start sucking my thumb again. My wife threw out the old sucky-thumb-stopping oven mitt and I don't want to ruin another one because I'm scared that monkeys will take over the world.
I'd... I'd... I'd rather see the world ruled by Democrats and liberls before monkeys.
You've got a plan for stopping that too, Frank?
November 04, 2005
Just wondering if anyone's seen it yet?
Is It Time for Religious Intolerance?
As Americans, we instinctively respect the cultures of others because that's what we're taught, but I was reading this post by La Shawn Barber (hat tip to Malkin) and got thinking that I really should do a critical look at Islam. Is it possible that the Muslims who are for peace and tolerance are the ones who aren't following the teachings of their religion. Should we wake up and actually start condemning not just the terrorists, but the religion as well?
For something as serious as that, I'll have to actually do some research. Any book recommendations such as good translation of the Koran and some good books discussing Islam?
Today, it's Edloe The Grumpus sniffing a mini-pumpkin:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Edloe is... um...
Frank Reviews Ebert's Reviews
It's Friday, which means it's time to review Ebert's movie reviews. Ebert is my favorite movie reviewer and is often quite funny when trashing a film. He sometimes, to my great annoyance, inserts silly liberal political jibes into reviews for no reason.
Now, I usually rate movies out of five stars (I really think Ebert needs a fifth star because he's given out too many four star rating), but I'm going to follow Ebert's tradition and rate his reviews out of four stars (i.e., reviews can range from zero to four stars with increments of half a star).
Ebert's Review of Chicken Little
Eberts review of Jarhead
The rest of the movies I never heard of and thus didn't care about, but one was about suicide bombers so I thought I'd read that review.
Ebert's Review of Paradise Now
Not a great set of reviews this week. Tune in next week for more reviews of Ebert's movie reviews.
November 03, 2005
Anniversary of Arafat's death
Tomorrow will be the first anniversary of the announcement of Yasser Arafat's death.
Looking back, the entire circus surrounding the old terrorist's corpse screaming "WHERE ARE THE NUMBERS FOR THE BANK ACCOUNTS?" at his deaf, dead ears was a laugh-riot.
So, how will you be celebrating?
Carnival Of Comedy #27 Funny, Funny Weird, and I Don't Get It.
Thanks Taleena! Good Job! (sorry about the caps)
An Editorial by RWD - Admitting a Quagmire
I’ve been looking at the news and I have to say that the casualties are really starting to get to me. Victim after hapless victim has fallen to this administration in a conflict that makes no sense. So we have to ask the very important question:
Has the Democrats' War on President Bush turned into a quagmire?
Maybe it’s time for them to look at reality of the Senate and, if appropriate, start formulating a comprehensive plan for withdrawal.
Since 2000, how many Democratic Senators have been lost to the RNC re-election war machine? Has it been worth it? How many reporters? Mr. Rather? Ms. Mapes? I don’t have the Fake But Accurate data on hand, but I’m sure it’s a lot.
Sure, there has been a glimmer of light. A two year investigation about outing a CIA operative turned into an indictment. Because of it, Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney’s Chief of staff, was forced to resign. This set back the Vice President’s office for two hours until somebody found the Staples Office Supply Catalog. Then all was well. But shouldn’t a two year investigation yield a conviction into the actual real charges?
Sure, the Democrats can try to come up with false numbers of hope:like MOST of the Democratic voters were dead AFTER they voted, but the reality looks them in their grim, non-photoshopped faces. The elections numbers tell the story. The Dems are losing this war and it’s only getting worse. They are the Ding Dongs on the Michael Moore Plate Of Life.
Can they beat these brave RNC insurgents? Republicans are people who fight with unconventional tactics. They’ll remember Democrat’s speeches and quote them when it contradicts the current, and opposite Democrat position. They’ll ignore polls and do what they believe. And most importantly, they’ll never be convinced that either Communism or Barbra Streisand can be a force for good.
The RNC has a lot of religious zealots. People who won’t think twice about storming a clinic and carrying out the unthinkable – letting an innocent fetus suffer a cruel and torturous life – never to die again – except when they’re old and gray maybe. How do you fight that enemy? Without using bullets of course because gun control is very important. The answer is : they can’t.
Harry Reid? This is a war of subtlety and ideas. He has neither. The Clintons do their dirty deeds in the dark. Not Harry. If Harry had Monica Lewinsky, he would have had her right there at the podium, with a big giant Tip Jar front and center for all his Democratic supporters. Even when he calls a private, closed session, he’s determined to tell the whole world about it.
Let's face it. The Dems battle with George Bush has turned into another Vietnam. It’s time to give them our support by helping them go home.
Top Ten Reasons Given for Rioting in France
As you know, there are riots going on in France. I decided to research the issue and find the reason for the riots, and, oddly enough, there were ten in number:
TOP TEN REASONS GIVEN FOR RIOTING IN FRANCE
10. Unable to afford wine for their children.
9. France's "free healthcare" is a kit containing a band-aid and a shot of whiskey.
8. Grueling thirty-hour work week doesn't leave enough time to brood.
7. Decided it was time to take French rudeness to the extreme.
6. Too much American cultural imperialism and not enough Monopoly game pieces at the local McDonald's.
5. Someone tawt he taw a German.
4. Current leader not arrogant enough.
3. First they make you wash hands after going to the bathroom, next they make you take showers.
2. The elite are hogging all the smelly cheese.
And the number one reason given for rioting in France...
"I'm stuck living in France!"
French and Riots
Should I be making fun of the French riots? Seems like there should be jokes there, but I wonder if it's too serious.
People should really spell these things out for me.
UPDATE: According to Scrappleface, yes, I should make fun of the riots in France.
How Do These People Even Have the Intelligence to Use a Computer?
Someone needs to teach people at DU what a "metaphor" is.
Or maybe we should just nuke them. ::snicker::
The funniest thing is how these people keep lamenting about how much smarter they are than everyone else.
Blackfive Needs to E-mail His Address
All judges of the IMAO T-Shirt babe contest are invited to the wedding, but I haven't gotten Blackfive's address. SarahK tried e-mailing him, but she hasn't gotten a response yet (maybe it got lost in his e-mail pile as happens to so much sent to me). If you could help me out and click over to his site so maybe he notices the traffic and e-mails me (plus, he has a charity drive going), then you are an honorable ronin.
How Much Left-Wing Nonsense Is Too Much?
When a show has great characters and some great writing, how much liberal idiocy are you willing to put up with? Boston Legal really seems to be posing that question better than any political point it ineptly tries to make. It has some of the most entertaining characters of any show (especially the characters played by James Spader, William Shatner, and Candice Bergen) and is extremely enjoyable at its best, but how much irritation am I willing to put up with to have that enjoyment? It's like watching a good movie but having to put up with some idiot next to you who ever once in a while accidentally elbows you in the head.
I watched their latest episode last night (it originally aired Tuesday; yay, HD-Tivo), and I knew from the promos that this one might be a deal breaker. One of the cases (there are usually multiple ones per episode which one would call subplots) dealt with a woman suing the government over her brother being killed in Iraq. It had a few things inserted very clumsily for balance: one lawyer at the firm was angry about the whole case as he was a veteran of the first Gulf War and found it insulting, the parents were against the case though never appeared in the show, and Denny Crane, the rightwing buffoon - though a sympathetic rightwing buffoon that the audience is supposed to like despite his rightwing buffoonery - says a few incoherent rightwing things as usual. It still basically accepted the Michael Moore version of things as fact and the main conclusion was that not enough bad things about the war are being presented by the media.
Yes, that was really the main conclusion.
It then had the audacity to end pretending it had a neutral discussion of the issue which just furthers either its dishonesty or ignorance.
Now let me go on a complete tangent and compare The Simpsons and South Park. I haven't watched South Park in a while - it's often too vile for me - but it takes on many hot topics and often comes to the conservative conclusion. This can be very cathartic for those used to be inundated with the liberal viewpoint with whatever were watching, but it looks clumsy when compared to The Simpsons (or at least, older Simpsons episodes) which would take on an issue and not reach any conclusion. It’s much more skillful; it involves primarily making jokes at the expense of the stereotypes of both sides and then ending ambivalent – no alienating anyone.
With drama, being neutral is much harder. While being a political moderate take the least amount of thought, presenting an issue in a show without beating your audience over the head with your own viewpoint is quite difficult as it means you have to take both sides seriously and present each side realistically. Most TV shows wisely tend to avoid politics entirely (with perhaps a little jibe in dialog here and there), but taking on issues without alienating larges groups of thinking people is entirely possible as proven by perhaps my favorite drama right now, House. It has taken on some very controversial issues that most shows would avoid entirely (i.e., abortion) while leaving the viewer free to make his or her own conclusion. In its episode from this Tuesday, there was a character who spent his life treating TB in Africa and is frustrated by how millions are dying because they can't get meds that drug companies have sitting in warehouses. He then gets TB himself, and refuses his meds to bring publicity to the issue. For most shows, the obvious way to treat this character would be saint-like, but in House he was made to look equal parts hero and buffoon (thanks, in part, to the ultimate curmudgeon, Dr. House), and the end let you make up your own mind about him.
How is a show written like that? I assume you need writers of both viewpoints and restrain from making contrived events in the episode that support one side or the other. The problem with shows like Boston Legal is they have talented liberal writers who probably assume they know conservatives well enough to write them when, in reality, they to conservatives are like those monkeys to the black obelisk in 2001: A Space Odyssey. And it's disappointing because of the talent involved, but there's a limit to how much my intelligence can be insulted and I still enjoy a show.
Just had to get that off my chest. Our next serious discussion will be why 5 is the coolest number ever.
UPDATE: I tried to see if Boston Legal has an address I could write a letter to suggesting they hire a conservative writer to explain conservative viewpoints to the other writers and that they watch House for how to handle hot button issues. Instead, I found this bboard. I wonder if they pay any attention to that.
From the bboard, here is a soldier's opinion on the episode.
UPDATE2: I think this is the address:
American Broadcasting Co.
Maybe I'll still write them and see if I get a response. I wouldn't care so much if I didn't like the show when it isn't spouting infantile politics.
November 02, 2005
The Doctor is In...
Hello, Dr. RightWingDuck here, to answer your questions about life, love, politics, or anything else that's on your mind.
Do you have a question that burns in your soul?
Try some antacid. That always helps.
However, if you have other questions - then Dr. Duck has the answers.
So go ahead and post in comments. I'll have answers up soon.
Disclaimer: RWD is not a real doctor, although he plays one on TV and on the Podcast. No answers from this post should be considered and applied - only considered and mocked. This offer is void in Puerto Rico, and other U.S. Territories such as Puerto Rico South - and California. Answers in mirror are closer than they appear. Please do not type while sitting in a bathtub full of sharks as the clicking sounds can sometimes sound like: "here's dinner." Remember to drink responsibly and often.
Happy Birthday United Nations!
On October 24th the UN turned 60.
I wanted to celebrate this on time, but the resolution to do so was bottled up in an IMAO Security Council Subcommittee for the last week or so.
Now that THAT bureaucratic knot is unfurled, my first suggestion for a proper celebration of the UN's many accomplishments over the last 60 years consists of changing the organization's name to reflect those accomplishments.
Thus, hereafter, it shall be known as the Mostly Useless United Nations, or "MUUN" for short.
The other half of the celebration involves helping the MUUN accomplish it's stated goal of bringing about world peace.
For 60 years, the diplomats have bickered and nattered, passing one toothless resolution after another, fruitlessly attempting to implement their silly pipe-dream of "peace through superior paper work".
A dismal failure.
Because when it comes to achieving true and lasting world peace, we all know there's only one realistic plan... (see extended entry):
Of course, moving the building to the moon first would improve the chances of this actually working.
Man's Best Friend
Here's a neat story about a man getting trapped in his car when it plunged in a ravine and his dog going half a mile to find help, leading a neighbor to the crash. Plus, the man only got the dog from an animal shelter two weeks prior.
See, that's just what dogs do. I can imagine what would happen if I got in a crash and had to send my cat Sydney to get help. She'd make a little monkey squeak and then disappear. When I'd look around to see if she went to find help, I'd feel a claw swipe me in the back of the head.
Whoever tried to domesticate cats was wasting his time.
UPDATE: Anyone watch House last night and hear his solution for the woman with cat allergies? I love that show.
In My World: Lockdown
President Bush twisted the knob to the Senate chambers and walked right into the door.
"It's locked!" Bush exclaimed, "What gives?"
"We're sealing the Senate so we can have a discussion on the Iraq war," answered Harry Reid from inside.
"What the hell have we been having for the past couple years?" Bush demanded.
"The American people must know the truth!" Reid responded.
"How are they going to know anything with the doors locked?!"
Reid was quiet for a moment. "Leaks!"
"That's it!" Bush fumed, "You let me in so I can break your kneecaps with a pipe!"
"Stupid dumb Democrats," Bush grumbled as he walked away. He then noticed a man standing nearby. "Who are you?"
"I'm the C-Span cameraman," he answered, "I was voted to have the most boring job in the world."
"Well I'm George W. Bush and I was voted President." He then added angrily. "And don't let anyone tell you otherwise!"
"Now my job is even more boring since I got kicked out of the Senate chambers," the cameraman sulked, "All I have to film are those closed Senate doors."
"It's not the time to film doors!" Bush declared, "It's time for action!" He took a fire ax off the wall and charged the locked doors. The ax clanged against them without any effect. "Oh yeah," Bush said, "The Senate doors have been enchanted with ancient colonial magic and are impervious to all attacks." Bush thought for a moment. "But the walls are still vulnerable!" He began hacking away at a nearby wall.
"Doesn’t that go against the principles of a Senate lockdown?" the C-Span cameraman asked.
"The doors will still be locked; it's within the rules."
"What's going on over here," demanded Alito as he walked towards Bush followed by two toughs.
"I'm trying to get in to talk to the Senate about confirming you," Bush answered, pausing from chopping away at the wall. "They locked the Senate chamber." Bush looked at the two people behind Alito. "Who are your friends?"
"They're Tony and Vito," Alito answered.
"What do you guys do?" Bush asked.
"We work in... uh... sanitation," Tony answered.
"Why's this guy giving us the third degree?" Vito demanded of Alito.
"He's cool; he just don't know any better," Alito answered. He turned to Bush. "See, my friends are here to testify on my behalf. It appears that some people are casting aspersions against me since I'm Italian and saying I have ties to the mob."
"And there is no Mafia," Tony asserted.
"So where did you meet your friends?" Bush asked.
"Uh... from a court case earlier in my career," Alito answered, "Funny story. I was supposed to convict them for being part of organized crime but was unable on account of them being all innocent and what not."
Tony and Vito laughed, and Bush joined in though he wasn't sure what the joke was. "Well, we're not going to be able to talk to the Senators unless we get through this wall. I’d ask for your help, but I only have one ax."
"We brought our own," Vito said as he and Tony each pulled out an ax.
"Knew about the lockdown, then?"
"Yeah; that's what we brought them for," Vito laughed.
They all then hacked away. "They're coming through the walls!" came a scream from inside.
Bush turned to the C-Span cameraman. "Get ready to film democracy in action."
"Quiet!" he answered back, staring intently through his camera, "I think I saw the doors move."
My ignorance of Stephen Hawking...
I must apologize for my post yesterday about scientist Stephen Hawking on a tour of the west coast. I wrote that paying money to hear Stephen Hawking onstage wouldn't be worth the up to 125 bucks people would be paying for those tickets which generated some negative posts from the female readers of IMAO and I apologize.
Because I had no idea Hawking had spent four years with The B-52's! Yeah, in the late 1990s when their blond girl singer left the band to have a baby Stephen Hawking joined as a backup vocalist. He went under the stage name of "The Professor":
UPDATE: Several astute IMAO readers have e-mailed with more photographic evidence of The Prof's mad stage skillz.
Secret Rules For Closed Senate Sessions
When the Senate slips into a closed session some super special secret rules apply. Here are just a few of them.
* Standing Senate Rule .20 (the Teddy Kennedy Rule) - Closed session - Open Bar!
* First Rule of Closed Session: Nobody talks about closed session!
* Rule 2 - What happens in closed session STAYS in closed session.
* Rule 3.14 - Everybody gets free pie, all you can eat. Mmmm pie.
* Rule 5 - Senators must use secret handshake and refer to each other by their self-assigned top secret code names. Harry Reid's is "H.R. Uber Smooth."
* Rule 32 - Casual Dress AKA Clothing optional.
There are, as indicated by the gaps, other super secret Senate rules but they are so secret even I don't even know them. Or do I?
Unfortunately since you now know some of the secret rules, I must kill you all now. I'm sorry, really.
November 01, 2005
Top Ten Rejected Senate Democrat Stunts
With Fitzmas a bust and conservatives reenergized by the nomination of Alito, the Democrats needed to do something really futile and stupid to grab the attention of the American people and encourage their wacky base. Exclusive to IMAO, we have obtained a list of rejected political stunt ideas that happen to be ten in number:
TOP TEN REJECTED SENATE DEMOCRAT STUNTS
10. Hold their breath until they turn blue if not given their way on judicial nominations.
9. Have Harry Reid wear a beard of bees during an entire meeting of the Senate.
8. Do a fully costumed production of The Sound of Music on the Capitol steps.
7. Hold a fundraiser where Ted Kennedy competes against a live pig in a hotdog eating contest.
6. Daring daylight liquor store robberies.
5. Jump a shark on water-skis.
4. Set Buddhist monks on fire in protest of Iraq war.
3. All Senate Democrat episode of Fear Factor.
2. Have Chuck Schumer train and then compete to win the Ultimate Fighting Championship.
And the number one rejected Senate Democrat stunt...
Stephen Hawking: In Concert
Stephen Hawking has booked several shows at theaters on the West Coast. Wow, I didn't even know the guy was on tour! Is the opening act a drum clinic held by the drummer for Def Leppard?
Tickets for the Seattle show range from $35 all the way up to $125... to watch a guy sit on stage and lecture me using his Speak N' Spell? No thanks, dude. It's too hard to understand your lyrics... even though I never understand any of Rob Zombie's lyrics, at least I get to see some laser lights and explosions.
If Hawking's show has laser lights and explosions, then I might pony up the 35 bucks.
They Now Do Nothing Behind Closed Doors
The Democrats have called for a closed door session on Iraq, the first time such a thing has happened in 25 years. Apparently it's some sort of stunt or something and Frist is pissed as this came out of nowhere.
Well, I have to give it to those wacky Democrats, this is weird and unexpected as compared to their usual of predictable and annoying. So what do you think the plan is here and is Rove somehow behind it all?
UPDATE: The Dems are in a "full scale revolt." This is goofy.
I know there is a quote from Animal House that fits this...
UPDATE3: Duh. The timing obviously points to Michelle Malkin being behind this.
UPDATE4: That's the quote I was thinking of. I guess K-Lo and I are on the same wavelength. I think it's time to start officially calling this the "Animal House" strategy.
No Plug for You!
I was going to plug Michelle Malkin's new book Unhinged: Exposing Liberals Gone Wild, but I decided against it. Not only did I not get an advanced copy, I didn't even get an e-mail about it (she e-mailed cadet happy to promote the book, but not me). So no plug!
I deserve special treatment because I'm famous and cool! Remember that, people!
We Must Beato Alito!
Well, the left are already squirming in reaction to the nomination of Alito. Read this letter I got from MoveOn.org:
Samuel Alito (or Scalito as we like to call him since he's just like Scalia who eats babies) will ensure we lose all the rights we cherish. If he gets into the Supreme Court, soon YOU WILL BE FORCED TO HAVE BABIES! IF YOU ARE A WOMAN, YOU WILL HAVE TO HAVE BABIES! Not only that, but he will have protestors FORECULLY BATHED! This goes against our First Admendment since our smell helps us get attention for our protests. But Scalito will not stop there; he will TAKE AWAY YOUR RIGHT TO NOT HAVE A MACHINE GUN! You will have to have a machine gun even if you don't want one, and you'll have to care for it and clean it which can take an hour. Not only will Scalito make all this happen and take away your rights, but HE IS ALSO ITALIAN... JUST LIKE HITLER!
Crappy Bedtime Story
Why was there no crappy bedtime story on the podcast?
Because it was much to scary. "The Headless Horsecat" ended up frightening all of the cats.
I didn't want to be responsible for people across the world diving into cardboard boxes and puffing up their tails in fear.
I't a new month! That means a lot of things to a lot of people. But I think you'll agree, the MOST importand thing any of us will do this month is vote for IMAudiO (formerly IMAO podcast).
Buy IMAO T-Shirts
The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Mitt Romney Ads
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
By MonthDecember 2008