In 2006 I resolve:

To fully and completely obey the law... of gravity.

To never, ever, wake up grumpy in the morning. I'm getting her an alarm clock.

To buy a really funny T-Shirt.

To wear hats more. And to wear more hats. Why does one always seem to be the limit?

To end my contant search for Waldo. He's an adult. If he wants to hide, I say let him hide.

To find a regular feature I can write regularly and become the hack everyone expects of me.

To become famous and wealthy.

To become even more famous and even wealthier still.

To become so unbelievably famous and unbelievably wealthy that I have no time or notice for people who are still languishing at that first level of wealth and fame. People will say "I don't believe you are this famous and wealthy." I won't blame or, for that matter, notice them. It WILL be hard to believe.

To own my own island where I will build a secret lair to launch a diabolical scheme and A) take over the world and B) establish democracies with capitalistic economies everywhere. I figure one scheme should do it. I've done my homework.

To eat more roughage.

John Hawkins has a regular feature on RightWingNews on which he answers,on seperate posts, questions submitted by his readers on the presvios day.

Its kind of like IMAO's "Ask Ducky" but without RightWingDuck and all the inherant rightwingduckiness associated with that.

He (John Hawkins) usually posts this feature named "Q & A Fridays" on random days of the week but this time he has posted it on of all days, a Friday. He delivers a great sarcastic answer to this question. Do You Think Right Wing News Helps The Conservative Cause?

Actually, the full question was "John, in all seriousness, do you think your site, www.rightwingnews.com, helps your cause?"
But his answer to the question is as masterful an example of sarcasm as I've seen lately.

My predictions for 2005 all turned out wrong, so why bother with 2006?

Heck, when the Mayor of Houston awarded a no-bid contract for towing companies to drag helpless freeway-clogging breakdowns away in his SafeClear proposal, I thought that Santa's sleigh would be towed by eight tiny SafeClear towtrucks.

Nope. Didn't happen. Just the usual eight tiny reindeer, towing the sleigh. Then Santa tried to make a left turn on Main and got whalloped by the METRO Light Rail.

Man, that bag of toys blew out like a pinata smacked by Barry Bonds. Broken toys for everyone!

So my resolution for 2006 will be to remain open-minded and flexible in dealing with whatever 2006 is fated to throw in my direction. And to be wise enough to listen when someone yells "DUCK!"

PS: Some of you have the tradition of firing guns off to ring in the New Year. I strongly believe in the individual's right to not only bear arms, but to use them in situations when it is necessary to defend and preserve innocent life.

I also believe in gun safety, since it is part of the use of a gun to prevent accidental and/or untimely snuffings of innocent individuals.

If you've got to go all Yosemite Sam at the stroke of midnight, here's one word of advice: fire blanks.

However, remember to swap the blanks for live rounds afterward. There's nothing quite like like starting off the New Year with black-eyed peas and a dead burglar in your front hallway.

For a minute there I thought about delaying the latest answers to Ask Dr. Duck. Then I realized that pretty soon, most of you will be smash faced falling down thinking about voting Democrat - drunk.

Which means that by tomorrow, your hangover will be so bad you won't even care about what I wrote.

Man, I love writing.

Anyway - what happens when you come to Dr. Duck for adivse? THIS!!

Dr. Duck Has Answers.

Happy New Year to all of you weirdoes out there from all of us weirdoes in here.

Hopefully this new year, 2006, will witness the final days, hours, minutes and ever weakening, rasping breaths of the Democratic Party.

--
Thanks to Cadet Happy for the great title image.

Wow, Frank's back and the rest of us have practically clammed up I wonder if there's a connection. Closing with another chicken/road type joke.

----
Q. Why did the the Democrat cross the road?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Today, it's Frisky the King Of Fluffiness...

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...

Wait. Now Piper's shown up. Hold on...

And now Nardo's getting into the act.

Well, isn't that just great. Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

Carnival of Comedy XXXV is up at Motopolitico. Not too many entries this week probably due to not many people entering. I could be wrong. Or the usual entrants are a bunch of...couldn't think of a demeaning word that was in the Christmas spirit.

Thanks Mr. Moto!

Mr. Moto tells me there are very few entries this time. So, get your crap entered. I can say that, cause I know from crap.

Carnival of Comedy Schedule:
Dec 29 - Motopolitico
Jan 05 - Aaron Benedict
Jan 12 - Desert Elephant
Jan 19 - rachel pereira

I took some liberties with the schedule, but I hope my conscripts (and you know who you are) are amenable.

Want to enter? Go here, or here.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Rummy says that the US plans on pulling 7000 combat troops out of Iraq in 2006. Mostly because Iraqi security forces will be trained up enough to do most of the terrorist-shootin' themselves by that time. Hard to believe it's taking them this long to improve their marksmanship, but apparently Iraqis have worse aim than Ted Kennedy approaching a bridge, so we just have to make do with what we've got.

Meanwhile, we'll have 7000 troops with nothing to kill, so we'll need to find something else for them to do until Iran mouths off one time too many.

Here are my suggestions:

* Rub salve on Frank J's rash.

* Invade France - one can hold the gun while the other 6999 collect white flags from all the trembling surrender monkeys.

* Since Democrats are all pissed off about wiretapping terrorists, we'll just have the soldiers stand next to the terrorists and eavesdrop, instead.

* Use them to re-connect that loose wire on your computer's motherboard.

* No, wait... that's solders. Nevermind.

* After the '06 elections, the DNC is gonna need some logistical support to deliver their extra supplies of special "weeping hankies".

* Have them walk around New York City and gut-punch every lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastard that went on strike.

* Rebuild the levees in New Orleans.

* Preferably with the bodies of the lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastards that went on strike.

* Get 'em all likkered up & suggest that it might be fun to try pushing the UN Building into the East River... "it'll be sorta like cow tipping!"

* Give them each a pointy stick and have them poke at Howard Dean to see if they can get him to make that funny sound again.

* Give them a Holocaust Cloak and a wheelbarrow and have them storm the castle.

AFTER they finish with Howard Dean.

What does the future hold for the world in 2006? Some might say - it's like a Christmas present - you'll just have to wait and see.

Thankfully, every year - I peek!!

Just like Christmas presents and national security - it's always good to have a little inside advance information.

I, RightWingDuck, would like to present - My Predictions for 2006.

Since Frank J. is now married, I assume this must be him singing The Man Song.

Safe for work, but probably difficult to justify to the boss.

I would just like to state for the record that at no time did FrankJ send coded messages through IMAO to hypnotize SarahK into marrying him and becoming a co-blogger. A restraining order would be completely without merit, and I am glad that the New Jersey judge has finally come to his senses by setting things right and refusing to issue that restraining order.

After much discussion and research, the other co-bloggers of IMAO have detected no sign of code words, gestures and eye expressions in FrankJ's writing, although we assume that his obsession with ninjas, nuking the moon, and monkeys may be the sign of some sort of mistreatment by circus clowns during his upbringing. (But then, who wasn't molested by circus clowns?)

As for the threat to break the legs of any of FrankJ's representatives who attempt to come near her, I'd just like to say that Harvey is expected to be able to walk again after a few months of physical therapy.

If you are interested in the events behind the allegedly faked honeymoon posts, go here.

Did I mention I hate America and am going out back to burn a flag?

Hello Everyone,

I hope you enjoyed your holidays. It would be a shame to have people walking around in a bad mood - that's my job!!!

Anyway, it's time for our regular segment called...

Ask Dr. Duck.

I am here to provide spiritual nourishment, intellectual wisdom, and creative ways to use the word "doodie".

What's on your mind?

Post Holiday Blues? Girl/Boy trouble? Relationships? Angry relatives? Rabid weasels clawing at your door?

I can help. I'm certified in most states (okay - it's in landscape design - but I'm certified - okay!!)

What's on YOUR mind.

The Doctor is IN.

Hi there. I'm your old friend, Laurence Simon.

But I'm not just one of FrankJ's loyal minions here at IMAO. No, I'm much much more than that.

Some of you folks know that I run a rather sick and twisted blog (among several) called The Dead Pool. Players pick 15 people, famous or infamous, and they score points when those picks die. Until the picks die, well, the players need to blog about their entires (15 picks, 4 blog posts a year... 60 total posts) Prizes are awarded at the end of the year for the most points, but the real fun is in claiming topical bonus prizes for your picks when they croak.

For instance, the first pick to die on a Friday is eligible to fight in the post's comments over a T.G.I Friday's Gift Certificate. Isn't that cute?

Anyway, I've been racking my brains (or braining my rack) trying to come up with a bonus prize that involves giving away an IMAO T-shirt (You know, the ones that the pretty Sarah K.J. Oh-Kay models over there in the right margin). But instead of racking my brains (or brainsing my rack) I figured I'd let y'all suggest the conditions of a bonus prize that would be worthy of one of those shirts.

I'd been thinking on the lines of "Any pick with all of the letters I M A O in their name" but I am sure you can come up with better.

Post your suggestions in the comments, and not only will I add the best bonus prize idea to the Dead Pool, but I'll even buy a shirt for the person who suggested it. How's them apples?

I figure I'll want to post it on December 30th, so you have until December 30th to come up with an idea. Sound good?

(No, I haven't checked with Kevin as to all the legal mumbo-jumbo for this thing, but I'm assuming that in his legal opinion, we're all gay or something.)

Okay, in my arrogant opinion, here's the best ideas for the Coffee Card Contest...

3. RightWingConspirator: How about a contest for the best idea for a made up holiday (take THAT, Kwanzaa!)?

2. Sarasmom: How about a description of the most homoerotic thing you had to do to get into a fraternity...

And the winner is...

1. Jenno: Most revolting idea for a coffee flavor.

All excellent ideas, but I think that one is the best idea for a contest. I'll be sending Jenno the code off of the gift card shortly.

Thanks to everyone that participated, and stay tuned next month for yet another pointless contest for your confusion and amusement.

this is an actual x-mas display in eastern North Dakota . . .

upon closer examination . . .

In honor of this being the first day of Hanukkah, I - the Token Jew of IMAO™ - have decided to post the FAQ that I use for when people ask me all sorts of stupid Hanukkah questions:

How is Hanukkah spelled?
Just like it's pronounced.

Why doesn't Hanukkah start on the same day every year?
It does. You're just using the wrong calendar, a-hole.

What Channukkah music is there to play?
Don't bother. Not even Apple would charge for it on iTunes.

Is (X) Jewish?
What am I, the Tel Aviv White Pages?

Why is the menorah lit at night?
Because it's dark at night, stupid. What, you're going to waste such nice candles to light the day? Are you Catholic or something?

Why are Hanukkah candles sold in boxes of 44?
Because Jews are good at math.

What's the song that people sing while lighting the candles?
It's called "Baruch Adutoy Adenoi." It roughly translates to "Don't burn your fingers, Dummy."

How do you size a yamulke?
Your bald spot plus one inch.

What foods are eaten during a Hanukkah celebration?
Whatever your mother puts in front of you. Don't complain!

Is it true that versions of Clue in Israel use a menorah instead of a candlestick?
No, but Monopoly race car token has been replaced by a sensible four-door sedan that gets good gas mileage.

Is it okay to gamble on which candle goes out first?
No. Shame on you.

Eight reindeer pull Santa's sleigh. What pulls Hanukkah Harry's cart?
A tow truck. I told him not to park there, but he never listens.

What if you blow out the candles before they are done?
You die.

Are you supposed to abstain from any particular activities during Hanukkah?
Don't be such a putz.

What if the smoke alarm goes off?
Don't buy cheap candles next time, you goniff.

In a fight between Aquaman and Hanukkah Harry, who would win?
Nobody. This is a season for peace, not fighting.

Why can't I get Hanukah off when my friends get Christmas off?
Wait... you have Christian friends? What's wrong with you?

I've seen electric menorahs. Are they okay to use?
No. People will think you're gay.

What's the meaning of the Hannukkah bush?
Some imbecile tried to assimilate. We kicked him out of the congregation years ago. Maybe you've heard of him? David Duke?

People who celebrate Kwanza also light candles. Is this related to the Hanukkah menorah?
Some black person broke into a Jew's house, and stole the menorah. But he broke off two candles in the process. He also got the stereo and the silverware, but those were fenced before they could be incorporated into the ceremony.

What is the meaning of the four symbols on the dreidel?
Oy! Is this dreidel safe for kids? Player must examine dreidel for sharp edges before next player takes turn.
Huh? - Meaning of symbol lost in Shoah. All players weep profusely in shame.
Nu? - Player must clean the dreidel because they're playing on such a dirty floor.
Feh! - Player determines that spinning a top is a stupid game and goes off to play some X-Box.

What goes "Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns!" ?
A blind guy on the eighth day of Hannukah.

What if you live in a neighborhood that prohibits the burning of candles in a menorah?
Burn your neighbors' houses down instead.

Why are gifts given on every one of the eight nights of Chanukah?
It helps the economy.

If Christians have Santa Claus bring gifts, what do Jews have for Chanukkah?
The decency not to fill their kids' heads with fairy tales and lies.

Q: What's my favorite day of Christmas?

A:

The one with eleven Pipers piping.

...Close It

Today is one of the worst days for Technical Support people in the computer industry.

People around the globe, unwrapping their new computers, iPods, cell phones, and other technological marvels will be popping in the batteries or plugging in various connectors only to find out they have absolutely no idea what they're doing.

It gives me chills down my spine. There's no telethon for chills down the spine, is there? I'd be the poster child, standing up on stage with... um... Christopher Lloyd or...um... Rob Schneider. Yeah, any time a movie of his is out, I've got Spine Chill Syndrome. It's not even covered on my lousy insurance plan, either.

So these newbies want to get all their settings on the new computer while getting all their porn copied over and wiped out of the old one so they can give it to the kids (who will probably just fill it with porn all over again).

Or maybe the connector in their iPod is a dud. Not every device that passes the in-factory QC tests keeps their virgin status. So they want to pick up a replacement and... the store's closed.

Don't forget about batteries. It's not that they forgot to include them, but the fact that Mom and Dad or Aunt Rose or Uncle Harry got you the wrong batteries. Leave it to them to convince the museum to hand over the B-sized batteries because they think those are what will power your Robosaurus.

Who do you think they call to complain that the store's closed? You know, because the Technical Support person can have the entire store pages and openup the store for them.

There's always the RTFM issues. Gotta love it when the question is right there boldly featured in the documentation. When the person says they never read the manual, I usually reply I never answer questions that are in the first five pages of it, so turn to page 4 and tell me what you see there.

Did you purchase a sub-500 computer for your kid? It's got a big Celeron or Duron or "Moron Who Fell For The Salesman's Line Of Crap That Crippled Processors Are Good Enough And That Shared Memory Will Run The Latest Games" sticker on it? Why not just put a sticker on it that says "Overclock Me" on the monitor? Kid's going to raid the Tupperware drawer and try to rig up a cooling system using the fishtank pump and the gooey insides of that freezer-pack... and you know that stuff kills dogs and stains the carpet.

Bought it all online and now you're clicking through the interface looking for how to return all that junk? Heh. Heh heh heh. Yeah, call that 800 number for Customer Service. See if they're in. No? Well, I guess you can just bitch at the Technical Support folks long and loud enough, they can magically handle your non-technical issue. Use lots of swear-words too. It excites them.

Oh well. At least there's one bright and shiny thing about this being the worst Technical Support day of the year - now it's India's problem.

Merry Christmas and Chappy Chanukah! As a special gift, Lair edited together an IMAO Podcast since SarahK and I are now too busy for you people (so any vulgarity is not SarahK's fault).

Just kidding! We love all our readers and listeners, and you should all expect a super new year from IMAO.

Happy Holidays! (and I'm only saying that because I already said Merry Christmas and don't want to repeat myself - not from some PC reason or anything)

Almost done with the podcast. Minor delays due to a family friend drinking himself into terminal liver failure over the past year and a half.

I just need to mix in seven more music clips.

Ooooh! And a frying pan *thang* sound!

Sorry, folks, but Christmas is cancelled.

A fifty-foot mutant cat grabbed Santa Claus and is tearing him to bits:

"GRRRRRRRRRR!"

I guess some good can come out of this... at least you can tell your kids that Santa Claus exists.

Well, existed.

Back from the cruise (which kicked pinky-toe) just in time for Christmas (and the cats didn't knock over the tree again). Haven't had time to sort things out at the blog, but I think I might have to put a ban on imitating me. Just of note, only one post was actually me over the last week, and I think it's pretty obvious which one.

Now I have a week holiday at home before heading back to work and a few hundred e-mails to now sort through. But I did have a few post inspirations while away. Hopefull I can remember them.

So, did Lair ever get that podcast together or do I need a new Jew?

Part I

"But Santa," the little boy asked innocently, "shouldn't you be saying, 'Merry Christmas'?"

"Oh, ignorant little brat, er, I mean, precious child, that might offend the five per cent of the population who don't celebrate that particular holiday."

"But, Santa, that's bulls***!"

"My! You sure do have a filthy mouth, little boy," Santa observed.

"That's because I'm not a little boy; I'm..." the "boy" said, removing his disguise, "I'm... RUMMY!!!"

Then the young mother's baby carriage exploded into a million pieces, and emerging from the wreckage was none other than Chomps the World's Angriest Dog!

"Oh, my goodness!" the young mother exclaimed. "Then who is..."

"It is I! Alberto Gonzales! Ju stoopid gringo!" said the Attorney General, removing his fuchsia jumper. "Now lemme defend Navidad, or I'll cut ju."

"I thought my kids looked a little bigger," the young mother said. "But if you're here, where are my children?"

"Oh, they're in an undisclosed location," explained Rummy.

* * * *

"Hey, Mister Vice President? Do ya wanna play hangman?" the actual little boy asked.

"Go f*** yourself, kid. Oh, and Merry Christmas," Cheney replied.

* * * *

"Condi, are we there yet?" President Bush whined. "I feel sick."

"It's your own fault," Condi scolded, "Your helicopter isn't built to hold two people, and that's why you're on the roof."

"Aw, dang it!"

"Hold on! We're heading in for a bumpy landing!!!"

* * * *

A loud whirring noise filled the mall.

"What's that?!" Santa yelled.

The glass ceiling shattered (literally, not metaphorically; women's wages continued to be suppressed just as they should be) as Condi smashed the helicopter on through.

Bush picked the shards out of his hair and the bugs out of his teeth and then leapt off of the helicopter and into the mall fountain.

"All right, now what's all this nonsense about 'holiday' this, and 'diversity' that?" Condi demanded. "Well, Fat Man? Talk!"

"First off, I have a gland problem," Santa retorted. "Secondly, I'm not really Santa; I'm..."

"Hey, that's my line," Rummy asserted.

"I'm... Aquaman!!!"

"Aquaman! It figures that some one as totally lame as you would try to destroy Christmas," Bush said whilst shaking the water out of his ear.

"Yes, and with the help of my fish friends, no-one will be able to stop my reign of secular terror!" Aquaman cackled.

"You moron, we're landlocked; there aren't any fish for miles!" Bush corrected.

"Nu-uh! The aquarium is right across the way! Aqua friends, attack!"

Just then, schools of goldfish, guppies, plankton and even a rare spotted turd snail swarmed the President within seconds, prompting Chomps to act. He lunged at the sea life, devouring the creatures in a single loud gulp.

"Thanks, Chomps!" Bush said, "Hey! Where's my watch?"

"Now, as for you, Aquaman," Rummy began, "I think that we have a special punishment in store for you..."

"No! Think of the Geneva Convention! For the love of God!" Aquaman begged.

"Poppycock," Rummy scoffed, "and I thought that 'God' was verboten?"

"Hey, what say we gut this gringo pescado-hombre and get on home, Holmes?" Gonzales suggested.

"Nah, it's Christmas. We ought to be more charitable..." Rummy replied.

* * * *

The President and the First Family were opening their gifts on Christmas morn:

"George, thank you for the lovely jewellery, but how were you able to afford it?" Laura asked.

"Afford? Why, Sweetheart, haven't you ever heard of a five-finger discount?"

"What?" the First Lady responded, her tone flattening. "Did that war whore help you shoplift for Christmas again?"

"No, of course not!" Bush defended, "Girls, do you like your mall security guard uniforms?"

"Yes, Daddy!" Barbara and Jenna answered enthusiastically.

"And I just love my new watch! I... misplaced the old one." Bush fibbed. "I wonder what ol' Rummy and the gang did with Aquaman?" he thought.

* * * *

"Welcome to the Museum of Tolerance!" the Quaaludes-popping tour guide exclaimed. "First, we'll begin with our Aquarium of the Rainbow, which features fish of every colour, creed and life-style. Children, please say hello to our newest addition, Aquaman!"

"Hello, Aquaman!" the children said in unison.

"Please help me!" Aquaman screamed, "The blowfish have been more than living up to their name! Please don't leave me with the pufferfish for another minute!"

"Oh, look at how he frolics, children!"

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Happy Festivus!

ABC news is reporting that a group in Wisonsin is trying to make their city more appealing by moving the city thermometer to a warmer area.

I say - good for them. Perception is 9/10 of marketing! With that in mind - I put my super powers (the ability to waste time on trivial items) to the test and came up with...

The Top City Slogans to Make Milwaukee Feel Warmer.

10. Undergarments are sexier when they’re battery powered.

9. Ice Sculpture: it isn’t just for summer.

8. Outdoor – schmoutdoors.

7. Every Monday is a snow day.

6. Jack Frost is ready to nibble your nose.

5. Shoveling is good exercise.

4. Yes, but have you ever felt a witch’s teet?

3. Cold: it preserves better than Botox.

2. Pay only $ 149,000 for a 3 bedroom, two bath igloo!

And the number one City Slogan to Make Milwaukee Feel Warmer...

I recently bought an Elvis Presley Coffee Sampler Pack thingy from Ugly Mug Coffee.

In addition to four different kinds of Elvis coffee (none of which were Peanut Butter And Banana Sandwich), I also got a gift card for $5 off of Ugly Mug Coffee.

Well, what did you expect? A gift card for Victoria's Secret? Well, their bras do make good coffee filters...

Anyway, The card's got an offer code on it, which means it's easily typed in and sent around the world in some kind of code-smuggling operation you've only dreamed about turning into a big-budget Hollywood movie.

FRANKJ: "Have you got the code?"
SPACEMONKEY: "We're waiting on the signal from Istanbul."
FRANKJ: "Victory will be mine. And savory."

I figured I'd offer the card up as some kind of prize for a contest, but I can't think of a good contest for the card.

According to Michelle Malkin's recent post, the United Nations has not been very open in telling the public how the Tsunami Funds are being used.

Normally, I agree with Michelle on a lot of things, but in this case IMAO has once again trumped a real world "journalist"

By going to the United Nations FAQ I was able to get the answers that Michelle was too lazy (probably because she works 60 hours a week) to get on her own.

THE UNITED NATIONS FAQ ON TSUNAMI RELIEF FUNDS.

United Nations FAQ

Q: Can I really get information from the UN detailing how our hard earned money was spend on those poor victims of the tsunami?

A: Of course, the United Nations is committed to ensuring complete transparency. We do not even want to give the appearance of anything inappropriate. Our books are wide open for the general public to view.

Q: That’s great. I love the UN. So, how was my donation spent?

A: None of your damn business.

Q: Pardon me?

A: Our apologies. Sometimes we spend so much time around here just keeping track of the kids we sometimes get a short temper. Hold on, on second: KOJO – YOU GET THAT MERCEDES BENZ OUT OF THE HANDICAPPED PARKING. YOU KNOW THAT’S RESERVED FOR POOR, INJURED PALESTINIANS. Thank you for your patience. What was your question?

Q: I donated a lot of money for the victims of the tsunami. How was it spent?

A.: None of your damn business.

Q:Are you sure that you're using that money to benefit the victims.

A: Well, it depends on how you define "victim". Besides, we're pretty sure it's doing some good, wherever that money is going.

Q: Are you telling me that nobody there knows what’s going on?

A: I think we have an accountant somewhere. We’ll have to ask one of the interpreters.

Q: You don’t know? Do you understand the meaning of the word HONESTY?

A: We’ll have to ask one of the interpreters.

Q: Besides the money, what else have you done in the areas ravaged by the tsunami?

A.We like it when people change the subject. We’ve done a lot of good in these areas. For example, in Thailand, with the help of the generous donations by Americans, we’ve been able to establish centers that not only help feed the poor – but helps them defend themselves against evil influences.

Q: What evil influences are those?

A: Americans.

Q: What do you mean evil? We gave you tons and tons of money.

A: That has yet to be proven! Can you show us where all of this alleged money is?

Q: Yes, we gave you craploads of money. You should have record of it in your accounting department. Ask THEM, they’ll tell you.

A. I’m sorry. That department is none of your damn business.

Thanks for visiting the UN webpage. Make sure you stop by the donation page. Every dollar makes a difference.

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Today, it's Piper the Bizarre...

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

You all know that I am a huge Rush Limbaugh fan, and my greatest dream is for him to plug the imao.us website and the imaudio podcast on his show. Well, last week I called in to get on the air again. While chitchatting with call screener Snerdly, I mentioned that I'd be going on a Caribbean cruise for my honeymoon and would be stopping for an afternoon in Cozumel. Snerdly told me that there wouldn't be time for me to get on the air that day, but if I left my cell number maybe he could call me the next day to get me on the show. I readily gave over the digits, hung up and expected to hear back from him the next day around 10 a.m. (R.L.'s showtime). Instead, my cell phone rang THAT EVENING, and, strangely, the caller i.d. showed "R. LIMBAU" (What? No 'gh'?). I wet my pants (which really made my rash sting), picked it up, and who should it be but El Rushbo himself! Rush told me that he was a big fan of my website and podcast (practically addicted to them I believe he said) and chit-chatted for 10 minutes or so about the wedding. Then Rush asked if I could pick up a package for him in Cozumel. He promised that if I could do this small favor for him, he would put a free banner link to imao.us on his webpage and give us free plugs over the next few weeks. I was floored that such a great opportunity had come my way, and told him I was more than happy to do it for him.

Anyway, Wednesday rolls around and the ship docks in Cozumel. I go ashore and find the the backstreet pharmacy that Rush told me about. I told the clerk that I was there to pick up "Mr. L's" package, handed over the heavy envelope Rush had FedEx'd me, and took a satchel filled with a couple dozen bottles of vitamins. When I got back to the ship, I threw the satchel into my suitcase and promptly forgot all about it.

The ship arrived at home port Port Canaveral this morning and the lovely and talented SarahK and the mighty and geniused Frank J. disembarked. We picked up our suitcases at baggage claim (we had to check them the night before) and I headed over to the the security kiosk to get my weapons back. On my way over, I saw a handsome German Shepard sitting there. Since I love dogs, and have been considering purchasing one, I reached out to pet it. Imagine my surprise when the dog, whom I subsequently learned was named "Duke", bared his teeth, began barking frantically and leapt at me--I thought "could this be the real Chomps?" I fell over and Duke started digging into my bag like Michael Moore at a buffet and barking like he'd found Osama. The police officer asked me what was in there, and I replied dirty clothes, souvenirs and vitamins. I said "just search it and give me my guns back so we can be on our honeymooning way." Well, guess what, the officer opened up the bottles of vitamins and announced that they all contained "hillbilly heroin" (oxycontin)! I was dumbstruck! Needless to say, I explained how I had picked up the "vitamins" in Cozumel for Rush and that the pharmacy must have given me the wrong prescription. I gave the police Rush's cell number and told them to call him to clear up this huge misunderstanding. They got through to Rush all-right, but he promptly denied having ever heard of me and hung up.

So here I sit in the internet cafe at the Brevard County Jail, waiting to be arraigned, completely innocent of all charges. I expect to be released shortly. If not, I expect a huge 'Free Frank J." protest to be organized by noon. Till then, I'm going to practice singing some Johnny Cash songs. It's karaoke night in the prison cafeteria tonight.

UPDATE: Now available in the IMAO store . . .

Since I'm stuck on a boat with the lovely, though talkative (very very talkative), SarahK, and have nothing to do, I figured I would host the Carnival of Comedy this week. I may have cruising on the brain due to the surroundings, but in going through the submissions this week it struck me that they fall into categories that closely parallel the characters of the 1970s show the Love Boat. So, without further ado, let the carnival begin!

Carnival, exciting and new
Come aboard. We're expecting you.
Carnival, life's sweetest reward.
Like a turd, it floats back to you.

The Carnival soon will be making another run
The Carnival promises something for everyone
Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And laughs won't hurt anymore
It's an open smile on a friendly shore.
Yes CARNIVAL!
Welcome aboard
It's CARNIVAL! (hey-ah!)

--Bartender Isaac Washington--

The entries in this first group are like the ship's bartender Isaac. Friend to all, Isaac is funny and funky, and there is no better person on the ship to pass time with in a drunken stupor. So sit back on the Aloha Deck with a Mai Tai served in a coconut and meander through these links . . .

a4g at Point Five presents The Brokeback Mountain Happy Meal

Damian G. at Conservathink presents Iranian President bans Western music; cites "phat beats" as evidence of vast Zionist conspiracy. [the headline made me LOL, which isn't easy]

Tommy at Striving For Average presents Connect the Dots… Fun with screencaps--a clever framing device.

Sean Gleeson at Sean Gleeson presents Chat with the Holiday Moonbat

bob at either orr opens up old moonbat wounds with Bush wins Heisman, Dean cries foul

Peace Moonbeam at The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles presents a touching xmas tale Not So Silent Night

Peakah at Peakah's Provocations... presents The 'Hands-On' Governor

Mr. Right at The Right Place presents Captions Outrageous! Winners [Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel Edition]

Rachel at Gall & Wormwood presents Twas The Night Before Katrina

Damian G. at Conservathink presents Dr. Germ and Mrs. Anthrax to wed in quiet civil ceremony.

--Yeoman-Purser Burl 'Gopher' Smith--

This group of links, like Gopher, are pleasant but ultimately kind of stupid. You'll have fun looking through them, but you'll likely forget what you read 5 milliseconds after hitting the 'back" button.

Josh at Multiple Mentality presents Check under the couch cushions

Steve at Irritation Station presents T'was the Night Before Christmas 2005 Edition

Chris at Dimmer Switch presents Deck The Roads

--Doctor Adam Bricker--

These links--actually this one link since no other one fit in this category--reflect the personality of ship physician and resident syphilis patient "Doc". Doc inexplicably gets a lot of action, and you'll look back fondly on your visit with him until the burning urination begins.

Grouchy Old Cripple at Grouchy Old Cripple presents a Christmas cartoon

--Captain Merrill Stubing--

These links, like Captain Stubing, are competent but dry and a little dull. If you think watching paint dry is a gas, you may like some of these submissions.

Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face presents TNOYF's Guide To Dealing With Your Family During Christmas: Part I

Sinner at 7 Deadly Sins presents Envy: Clever

Lyn at Bloggin' Outloud presents Humor Assignment: Stupid Iranian Tricks

Hoodlumman at File it Under presents 7 Tips for Holiday Cheer

Adam Graham at Adam's Blog presents Celebrating Xmas on the Wrong Date

FIAR at Radioactive Liberty presents Election, What Election

--Cruise Director Julie McCoy--

If there is one thing that cruise director Julie knows, it is blow, and these links BLOW.

David at Pererro presents Reviewing

200motels at Let's Get Something Straight Between Us! presents O BEER-O MIO!

Todd at Beat The Punsmith! presents Feingold Frags Foot at Fishing Junket!, and presents a post, which i suppose, sucks more than blows Hooverian Highjinks?

Anyway, that is all the links for this week. Happy sailing, I've got to go put salve on my open sores. And if I happened to hurt your feelings, please send angry emails and death threats to frankj@imao.us.

In a recent Senate debate, Sen. Robert Byrd (Crotchety Old Coot-WV) took a position on Arctic oil drilling clashing with that of Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK).

Here is what he said:

"I love this man from Alaska. I do. I love him," Byrd said on the floor, even as he disparaged Stevens' procedural moves. "I feel that my blood in my veins is with his blood.

"I love him," Byrd finished, "But I love the Senate more."

He then added, "But I don't love that n***** from Illinois. He can go hang himself."

A Congressional aide then emptied Sen. Byrd's colostomy bag and lulled him to sleep.

President Bush was in sitting in the Oval Office in his PJs, posting on his blog...

"And... that's... why... all... lib'ruls... suck... Save!"

Just then, a very pleased Karl Rove emerged from the shadows.
"Sir, the prophecy that once predicted your dooom now has a brighter future in store for you. Your polls are up."

"Karl? I thought that you were indicted and stuff. I even turned your office into a playroom for Barney!"

"Yes, I know; I discovered an early Christmas gift in my inbox this morning."

"You can't say that!" the President gasped. "It's not politically correct!"

"Oh, God..."

"You can't say that, either!"

Just then, Bush's face was met by a swift back-hand.
"George, what did I tell you about political correctness?" inquired an exasperated Condi Rice.

"That only hippies and college professors pay it any mind?"

"Exactly. Now come on, we have to go fight the War on Christmas!"

"But I thought that Christmas was good!" Bush said before being slapped again.

"No, the war was started by left-wing zealots and big retail merchants; we're defending Christmas."

"Oh, all right. Let's go!"

"And put on something first. That Curious George pattern doesn't really become you."

"Aw, you're no fun," Bush griped.

* * * *

The President, the Secretary of State and Karl Rove waited at the landing pad.

"I think you'll like my new helicopter," boasted Bush. "It's radio-controlled, and it makes five different weapon sounds!"

"Yes, but does it actually fire weapons, per se?" asked Condi sceptically.

"Do malted milkball machine guns count?"

"Dooooom!!!" Karl Rove bellowed.

Just then, a thunderous crash filled the area with dust and débris.

"A perfect landing!" Bush stated proudly.

"I'm flying," said Condi.

* * * *

"Look, children! It's Santa!" said a young mother with several younglings in tow.

"Ho, ho, ho! Happy holidays! Come and tell Santa what you want for the religious celebration of your choice," St. Nick declared.

"Something's not right..." the young mother said to herself.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Okay, so I've got the IMAO podcast laid out and ready for the final step of putting in the music and sound effects, which I think I'll finish when I get home tonight.

At least I hope I'll finish it tonight. There's always the possibility that I'll be attacked by ninja. Or monkeys.

In the meantime, you might be interested in A Podcast Christmas Carol. C-Dogg (Chris Doelle) got a bunch of podcasters together to build this one.

Well, the BEagle 2 may have been found...

The British scientist behind the lost 2003 Beagle 2 mission to Mars said on Tuesday the craft may have been spotted in NASA pictures which indicate the project very nearly worked.

Beagle 2, named after the ship Charles Darwin sailed in when he formulated his theory of evolution, was built by British scientists for about 50 million pounds ($90 million) and taken to Mars aboard the European Space Agency's orbiter Mars Express.

I've been silent all this time, but the time has come to reveal that I know what happened.

Poll: Should bush be impeached?

Saw this was linked to by a slew of left wing blogs and I thought it my duty as keeper of the keys to IMAO.US to sound the call out to the conservative side of the 'sphere. So if you hear something, that's me calling.

Look how the moonbat left is doing! And look how MSNBC divided the "No' side into two answers in a vain attempt to divide and conquer us. Hmm, good thing there's no media bias. Or there'd just be three different ways to say "Yes' and an "I'm an idiot opton."

Let's get the word out and make this scientifically invalid poll as unscientifically valid as we can make it.

So vote your conscience and by that I mean vote for the one that makes Bush look the best.

I can't believe my honeymoon is turning out to be worst time of my life. I mean, I'm married, and that's good: my lovely wife and I love each other very much. First I had sea sickness, then food poisoning, then this rash - which is getting worse but the cream helps. (I'm covered in this white goop). Now the honeymoon has taken another turn.

I just got back from the ship's security office and I have to say that it wasn't my fault. At least, most of it wasn't.

Here's what happened.

I woke up today feeling awful. My stomach is much better, but my rash was even worse than before. The lower half of my body is completely red – which is a vast improvement – before it was completely blue. Have I told you how great marital sex is? It's great!

Anyway, the lovely wife and I decided to go topside. SarahK has enjoyed our vacation very much.

So we went upstairs and Sarah sat in the sun while I found a chair next to a big column that provided some shade and some cover so people don't see me when I scratch myself.

We had been sitting up there for about 30 minutes when the wife, asked me to get her an iced tea. The Disney lounge up here serves them in these neat coconut containers and we've been trying to steal one since we got here. So I said, "Sure thing." When I got up, I was still a bit out of it, and what happened next was completely an accident.

I was still a bit woozy from the food poisoning, and the lack of sleep, so when I got up, I lost my balance a bit. At this point, I bumped into one of the employees wearing a Disney costume – the big bear from Jungle Book – what's his name – Balloo? Well, I didn't just bump into him, I guess I hit him at just the right angle because the poor guy stumbled right into the kiddie pool. Good thing it was only 2 feet deep.

You want to hear kids scream? Put them in a pool and then throw in an eight foot bear. They were squealing their little heads off. We heard this and laughed. Most of the people in the area were laughing.

Except for the guy in the bear costume. He was pretty angry, I mean, he was screaming and cursin' up a storm. Being at sea, you'd figure Disney would make those things pretty waterproof, wouldn't you? So security was there a few seconds later and they help him climb out. They're questioning me asking me why I did it. I can't believe they're serious. I try to lighten the mood and joke with them saying "Hey, I got nothing against bears. It's those damn monkeys that I can't stand." The bear keeps cursing up a storm and takes his bear head off.

It's a black guy.

I don't think he understood my monkey comment. I don't think that security did either.

So the three security agents took me downstairs and we had a short talk. I guess at this point I might mention that I was wearing my Nuke The Moon T-shirt. That took a lot of explaining, because as luck would have it, I'm being held by the handful of people (I think there's like a dozn total) on the planet that don't read IMAO.

After about 20 minutes the Captain shows up. He was an older guy, with very tanned skin and an understanding demeanor.

I told the captain, "look, I'm not exactly having the time of my life, what with this rash, and seasickness. Then of course those weird flying things zooming all around the ship."

"Weird Flying things?," he asked.

Oops.

I very, very carefully explained what I thought I might have seen. I'm not the kind of person who goes around claiming alien space abduction - especially since I have all my teeth. But I cautiously explained that I saw something - don't know what - off in the distance flying at an incredible rate of speed.

Then we went back to explaining how I knocked Balloo (whose real name turned out to be Kevin) into the water, and what a blog is and why ninja monkey's should be feared, and what the meaning is of Nuke The Moon. He actually laughed a little at that one.

After a while, they started to come around – I think mostly because they liked SarahK and figured that I couldn't be TOTALLY crazy. After about 30 minutes of reassurances they let us go back to our cabin but warned us that they'd be by soon to ask a few last questions.

Okay, here's where the stuff starts to get a bit more personal. SarahK and I have been trying to "spend time" together. Anyway, after waiting an hour we figured, "Hey, they forgot about us – now it's time for some Marital Bliss. " Harvey and his wife sent us these neat costumes. Mine is Captain Hook, SarahK has Tinkerbell.

WHAT? It's perfectly normal. Besides, it's a Disney Cruise. People expect it of you. Sneaking the hook onto the ship was easy. Security saw it on the x-ray machine and asked me what it was. I told them it was for religious purposes. You can carry anything for religious purposes – anything of course except a crucifix. Anway, we put on the costumes and I had my Pirate Evil laugh going while I bellowed "I'm going to get you if it's the last thing I do."I even had the Hook swinging, when there was a knock on the door. I went to open it.

It was security. Nothing impresses them more than I guy with a bunch of blisters on his face, covered with cream, wearing a big shiny hook over his hand.

This time, I was at the security office for 3 hours.

I've really enjoyed my recent career as a cartoon artist. With a little bit of practice I could be the next - whatisname - or that guy with the beard! Anyhoo - here's my latest offering. Enjoy.

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Frank J. please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Frank J. please stand up?
We're gonna have a problem here . . .
I'm Frank J., yes I'm the real Frank J.
All you other Frank J.s are just imitating
So won't the real Frank J. please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

I don't know who that imposter below is. Anyone who thinks I didn't get food poisoning, then get sea lice, then have a run in with a PC-crazed Disney corp., then see a UFO, then get into half a dozen other scrapes I haven't posted about yet needs to get a clue. And by the way, pay no attention to the men behind the curtain . . .

Last thing you want to have during your honeymoon cruise is a call from your mother worrying about your rash and then have to make a $14 phone call back (it's $6.95 a minute) to explain you are all right and one blogger loves to photoshop things. After a quick look at what's happened to IMAO in my absence (this is costing me $0.75) someone (Kevin, presumably) has been falsely posting as me again. I guess I'll deduct the phonecall from his ad revenue share (I hope it was worth it!).

Anyway, other than that, it's been a dream vacation and I still have two full days left (I get back Saturday morning). See you all then and punishment will be dealt.

Be honorable, ronin.

P.S. Was a guest blogger approved in my absence? Rarr!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Showing less self-control than a Democratic Underground troll hopped up on Red Bull and commenting at Free Republic, the President of Iran has recently made foolish statements such as "Israel should be wiped off the map", "the Holocaust never happened", and "developing a nuclear weapons program within flying distance of the Israeli Air Force is perfectly sensible".

To regain his credibility as "sane" in international diplomatic circles, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad decided to publish a pamphlet of interesting facts about Iran. Even though I can't read the drunken-monkey-fingerpainting that passes for their written language, I'm sure that my translation is at least as accurate as any given CBS news report.

* Iran was originally settled by a busload of people who got lost on their way to a 7-11 Owners' Convention.

* Iran is ruled by the "Council of Guardians" who strictly enforce the Koran's edicts all across the land. Living in Iran is like the Muslim version of living at Ned Flanders' house.

* I guess that would make the US troops in Iraq like Homer Simpson.

* Mmmm... infidelicious...

* The Iran-Iraq border is still littered with land mines from the Iran-Iraq war. If you need to sneak across the border, bring a Mexican to show you how to do it right.

* Before the founding of the Muslim empire in the region in 700 AD, there used to be two other countries between Iran and Iraq - namely Irao and Irap.

* For 8 years, Iran battled Iraq to a standstill, a feat that the Americans were unable to duplicate for almost an entire day during the Gulf War.

* If something smells like the back end of a camel, it could be the front end of an Iranian.

* Although some people - mostly filthy hippies - say that Iran is no threat to us, I still find it suspicious that their initials stand for Islamic Radicals Aren't Nice.

* Soon to stand for Idiots Receive American Nuking.

* In a battle between Iraq and Aquaman, Aquaman would raise an army of jellyfish and... right... who am I kidding? The Iranians would chop him into lutefisk before he even hit the beach.

* Iran's national symbol is:

I have NO idea... a pole-dancing penguin wearing a Mario moustache, maybe?

Hello, all!

This is Damian G. of Conservathink, usurping the blog-throne of Frank J. guest bloggin' it old school at IMAO.

First off, I'd like to thank the Academy for this honour, but mostly, I'd like to thank Kevin (a.k.a. Cadet Happy) who allowed me the opportunity to pollute Frank's blog with my filth.

Anyhoo, it's getting late, and as we all know, the zombie monkeys come out at night to feast.

Later!

The Carnival of Comedy is like tomorrow and stuff, don't forget to submit your entry, go here, or here.

It's going to be hosted here at IMAO for a change. Cadet Happy is the scheduled host and he said he had some sort of a surpirse for us.

Speaking of surprises, what's the deal with all the posting by Mr. Honeymooner? Aren't there other, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, things to do on your honeymoon? Sheesh.

Carnival of Comedy Schedule:
Dec 22 - Cadet Happy
Dec 29 - Motopolitico

Well, at least he hasn't complained about the logos, course maybe he hasn't noticed the logos, what with all the honemoon activity. But, I'd hate to think I had abused the trust of someone like Mr J.

My lovely bride, you know the one, and I were on deck this morning after breakfast (Went down, stayed down! Yay!), taking in the Carribean view. We were tired out from our excursion in Cozumel yesterday (I'll post more on that later--nothing too eventful occurred, thankfully) and we just wanted some quiet time to relax. We were on the left side of the ship (port side?) and I think we were facing a generally south/southeast direction. We were standing there cuddling and staring out in the distance, wondering if my money was going to last to the end of the trip (that's what I was thinking anyway), I glimpsed something out of the corner of my eye (lasting about a 1/10th of a second). At first, I just thought it was a stupid gull or something, but my mind told me it was something else, some distance away. I listen to my mind usually, so I turned my head to look for the object and I barely caught a flashing glimpse of it about 1500 yards away, moving away from us. Suddenly, it changed direction and was moving at what seemed like an enormous rate of speed parallel to the ship and about 20 degrees off the horizon. We observed the object this time for about 2 seconds as it whizzed by and dissapeared out of sight. I grabbed my camera, and as I waited patiently for it to boot up, I saw the object moving back into sight heading down its original course (from my left, heading to my right). I knew I could not point and shoot at the object because my camera could never function that quickly, so in a purely reflexive manner, I tried to make sure I could get a broad field of view and pushed the shutter button as many times as possible with the object hopefully in the len 's view before it disappeared for a second time. I clicked the button two or three times before the object disappeared. We waited for 5 awkward minutes, but the object did not re-appear.

As soon as we concluded that our object wouldn't show up again, I switched the camera to the "view" function and we both waited for LCD screen to come on. As soon as it came on and was displaying the picture that I just took, we studied it, but there wasn 't anything noticably present, and as we looked at the first picture I took, there seemed to be nothing on it either. We were dissapointed but after we got back to the "cabin of confounded frustration", I downloaded the pictures on SarahK's laptop, removed the red-eye and, what do you know? The object was clearly present in one of the pics, but we couldn't see it on the small screen of the camera.

My best estimate was that the object was 50 feet in diameter (it was roundish), was opaque (not shiny) and was about 100-150 feet off of the ground at a range of about 1000 yards away. However, in the picture, it looks kind of metallic, but it did not look like this when in motion. I also want to emphasize that I have lived near several airbases, have been to lots of air shows, and have a good general knowledge of all rotorcraft and fixed wing aircraft being operated by our military and this object could never be mistaken for any of these. I would guess that the object was traveling at a speed of about 2-4 miles per second. I also want to say that after analyzing it in my magnificent mind thousands of times, I would have to say that I got a feeling that this object was being "playful" in some manner, sort of like Sydney but without the stupid monkey noises. I can't explain that thought very well, but it's just a feeling I had. I apologize that the photo doesn't look that great at first glance, but the full-sized version (which I will post when I get to a cheaper broadband conenction) zoomed fairly well and there is no mistake that this thing seemed round.

The object is in the right upper portion of the picture and I forgot to add that when it was streaking by, it seemd to be pushing air or seemed to have a sonic wave in front of it or something to that effect. I'm not suggesting that this object was extraterrestrial in origin, but it certainly looked and acted like no flying craft I have seen before.

Not that this keeps me from being angry at Disney.

I want to believe, ronin?

Well, in the spirit of Christmas, let's look at a Scrooge in the Holy Land, shall me?

Palestinian negotiator Saeb Erekat said he sent several letters to the Israelis seeking coordination on Jerusalem balloting, but hasn't received any response.

"If the Israelis will not allow us to do elections in east Jerusalem ... it means the Israelis will sabotage the elections," Erekat said. "I know what the Israelis have on their minds. They don't want a partner. They want unilateralism."

Oh, those mean and nasty Jews, keeping the Palestinians from freedom and emocracy and their legal rights to vote and...

Wait. Under the Oslo Accords that set up the Palestinian Authority, voting and campaigning within Jerusalem (East, West, or Eternally Indivisible) in Palestinian Elections is strictly prohibited.

For someone that screams violations of International Law like Matt Damn screaming "Ben! Ben! Ben!" in the Honeymoon Suite, he sure doesn't know much about it or the documents he's signed.

This would be about as insane as the United States allowing Mexican Consulates to act as polling stations for illegal aliens, and then telling all law enforcement agencies that it's more important to respect Mexican sovereignty to allow free passage to the polling places by law-breaking illegal aliens than, say, their inherent disrespect for our sovereignty by being here undocumented in the first place.

Let's look at it from anoter perspective, shall we? You see, I live in Houston. And I'm somewhat of an Astros fan. I lived through the Scott Boras/Carlos Beltran foot-dragging bait-and-switch saga last year, with Beltran ultimately languishing at the Mets for an extra million or so while the crowd booed him into an early exit in September.

Hope it was worth it, Carlos. Willy T.'s doing great down here. Second-place Rookie Of The Year in the patch of grass you abandoned for the Transit Center Strike City. Thanks for asking.

It's kinda sad that Saeb Erekat is wasting him time for a losing terrorist cause. So much talent at deception and propaganda and demonizing of the opposition instead of sitting down and actually working out differences while representing his clients, he'd have made one hell of a sports talent agent.

Things have been pretty great on the honeymoon, if you discount all the puking, itching and burning and other itches which have not been getting the attention they need because of the puking itching and burning.

When I say things have been pretty great on the honeymoon, I mean for the most part, everybody on a cruise is genereally in a fairly good mood, assuming no ninja monkey attacks occur. I wasn't allowed to bring any guns or knives or swords on board. So to defend myself and my honey bunny snoogy woogums, the lovely and talented Sarahk Fle- Hah! you monkey ninjas thought I was going to reveal my last name and the source of all my power! HAH NEVER!, ahem. Anyway, to protect us I will have to use the most dangerous weapon I own, the one they can't take away, my mind. I was told by the snippy "security" types I would get all my weapons back when we return to port. So while we are at sea, I will have to use my mind to defeat the ninja monkeys should they attack. Nobody else ever expects them. I always do.

They took my guns etc but they can't take my mind away , but I swear I think somebody is trying to make me lose it, instead. Being the religious Christian types we are, Sarahk and I have been saying merry Christmas when people wish us happy holidays or season's greeting or whatever else. Some smile and nod, others have just sort of stared at us and froze up like we'd cast an 'Immobulus' spell on them. This was especially true of the Disney crew. We thought it was odd. Then, ths morning we find this that someone slid under the door of our stateroom.

[I had a photo of this but looked like crap so I typed it in]

Disney Cruise Guests

This is the joyous holiday season. We hope you are enjoying the season during your stay aboard. We would like to ensure all our guests are comfortable in every way during their time with us but even more so during the holidays.

We want everyone to enjoy this time in whatever way they observe or don't observe holidays during this time of the year. To this end, we have assembled a list of holiday greetings that are least likely to offend others. We request that you use them exclusively or none at all during your journey with us.

Happy Holidays!
Seasons Greetings!
Happy Hannukah!
Wonderful Winter Solstice!
Happy New Year!
Feliz Navidad! (if you are a native Spanish speaker)
Have a Joyous Kwanzaa!
Happy Ramadan!

Thank you for your cooperation. Enjoy your cruise with us.
Your Cruise Director
Jamie Farr

What the freak?

You know what? We've wished everyone we've run into a very merry Christmas ever since we got this piece of trash under the door. See how you like them greetings, Chairman Mouse.

With the way things were going I thought I would get a nasty sunburn to be the red to go with my nausea green. But it turned out to just be anti-muckadoo anger that has really chafed my butt, other than the see lice. GRRRRRRRR!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Ronin.

Captured in a spiderhole by the Marines? Hah! Shows how much you know!

In a newspaper interview, Saddam Hussein revealed his bold escape plan:

"Saddam hoped to emerge unnoticed in nearby bushes — before staging a Steve McQueen-type great escape riding a motorcycle."

That's right. Saddam Hussein was, in fact, legendary Arab motorcycle daredevil "Axis Of Evil" Knievel, famous for successfully jumping the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers in the 1412 Ramadan holiday special.

His identity was kept secret until now, although many suspected he was Saddam Hussein when in an interview he said: "How many bones have I broken? I've lost count... probably hundreds of thousands."

He had planned on performing one more stunt to wow his insurgent followers in his hometown, but in his mad dash two years ago to get out of Tikrit he was thwarted by getting his Iraqi flag cape snagged in the spokes of the back wheel.

To my knowledge, Frank J. has never had a Christmas themed banner before. Of course, he's never had cobloggers or left somebody like me with admin. rights at Christmas either. So, I thought a seasonal modification would add some visual festivity. I know, some IMAO purists will say the NTM-IMAO banner is sacrosanct, but I think an insane snowman wielding a ninja sword is in keeping with the spirit of both the season and IMAO.

Thanks to Cadet Happy for making the image pretty close to spec. Snow on the letters might have been overkill anyway.

ABC News' Barbara Walters is doing an in-depth, hard-hitting investigative piece on whether Heaven exists or not.

Why Barbara Walters? Why not Peter Jennings or David Brinkley?

Good news! Not quite as pukey today!
Bad news! Itchy! Burny!

Our ship docked in Key West today, so the lovely and talented Sarahk and I decided to take in the sights of the "Conch Republic" (pronounced 'KWEER-VILLE').

After forcing down some lunch, my stomach hasn't entirely recovered yet, we decided to split up for the afternoon. Sarahk would get a massage at a local spa while I joined a small group on a snorkeling expedition. As it turned out, I should have opted for a facial. The snorkeling itself was great (I will post some pictures from my disposable underwater camera when I get the film developed)--it was only after we returned to the ship that the unpleasentness began.

You see, shifting ocean currents sometimes bring pinhead-sized larvae (commonly refered to as "sea lice") near the shore. If you are unfortunate enough to swim into a group of "sea lice", as I was, your swimsuit acts like a net to trap the larvae. The friction of your swimsuit and body creases causes the nematocysts of the "sea lice" to fire and sting you. If I had been swimming "au natural" I wouldn't have had any problems, but modesty prevented that--not to mention I think the dive master was a little on the 'Conchish' side, and there were several schools of hungry looking fish in the vicinity.

I didn't feel anything while we were actually snorkeling--it was only about 3 hours later when the intense itching began. At first I ignored it , but as the itching became more and more intense, and a noticeable rash began to form on my, um, backside, and, um, other swimsuit areas, I went to the ship doctor. He knew right away what it was and gave me some antihistamine and hydrocortisone cream. The rash should resolve within a week, and poses no long term health dangers, but it itches like the dickens and I likely will have difficulty sleeping for a few days. A pox upon your house, Aquaman!

PS: Sarahk got slightly over-exfoliated at the spa. STOP SPENDING ALL MY MONEY, WOMAN! I mean, the poor baby.

PPS: The swelling that went with the rash is quite impressive! But sorry ladies and 'Conchish' guys, there won't be any photos of that, at least none I'm sharing with you ronin. But I will share a pic of the rash--not for the faint of heart . . .

. . . i warned frankj against eating sushi on a disney cruise . . .

I'd have thought the idea that the Media was biased to the left was fairly obvious(except to the Left who call it the SCLM or 'So-Called Liberal Media") but some eggheads did a study to see if it was anyway.

And it is. Color me shocked. Whatever color that might happen to be.

Dubyazuke Bushimi -

"To retreat before victory would be an act of recklessness and dishonor, and I will not allow it."

Death before dishonor!

I'd like to take a moment to congratulate the winners of Time's Person of the Year Award: Rock Star Bono, and Bill and Melinda Gates.

Mr. Bono has worked tirelessly to help clear up Africa's MasterCard bill.

Mr. Gates has worked tirelessly to ensure that my current version of Windows functions well, and that it will function even better with the next version for just $59.95.

And, of course, Mrs. Gates bakes a mean apple strudel.

Congratulations to you all.

Your certificate of appreciation is in the mail.

Out of curiouslity - not to say these people were not worthy - but is there anyone you feel would have made a better choice?

Post in comments - unless Windows crashes.

Does everyone like the way I've improved the IMAO blog logo?

I thought so.

Now... what else to tinker with...

That's right, folks. You thought we were just going to twiddle our thumbs while Frank and Sarah were on their honeymoon cruise with Donald and Goofy and Isaac the Bartender.

You were wrong. So very wrong.

Just like other essential services, such as hospitals and Honey Baked Ham franchises, we Jews are well known for manning the phones and reception desks so you Christians can go celebrate your hand-me-down altered Pagan mass over-commercialized present-exchange celebration of Jesus' birth. (Whom we didn't kill, darn it!)

The same goes for the IMAO podcast, although I don't think there's anything about going off to sip Mai Tais on the Princess Jasmine Deck with The Seven Dwarves in any of the Gopsels. (I think Matthew said something about them, but my Book ends at Malachi for some weird reason.)

So, I slapped together a last minute script, twisted a few arms, kept Ducky's insulin out of reach until he cried Uncle, and it looks like we're a go.

Now, I'm not one to brag or voluntarily participate in criminal conspiracies for less than 40% of the take, but it's going to be a podcast you can gather the whole family around the fire for. Ever year, you'll play it over and over like "The ACLU Lawyer Who Stole Christmas" or "We're Out Of X-Box 360s, Charlie Brown" or "I Didn't Kill Those People I Murdered" with Tookie Williams.

Or is it Brian Williams of NBC?

So let the sugar-plums dance in your heads, tuck yourselves in tight, and please be patient. Despite having recorded 286 of my own 100 word stories, this is the first itme I've actually mixed a podcast together.

Production values? Isn't that a platform of the Green Party or something?

Now where's the button in Audacity for a star-wipe...

. . . but this is where I've been spending all my time during my honeymoon . . .

No, not for THAT reason. Sadly, and I do mean SADLY! Since leaving port yesterday, I've had near constant sea sickness. I get motion sickness from riding the merry-go-round, so I'm not particularly surprised. In addition to the motion of the ocean, I the mighty Frank J may have been felled by some sushi I had for dinner last night in one of the ship restaurants . . .this stuff may not be fully cooked!

It was delicious (the first time I tasted it anyway). I've left the content of my stomach on three separate decks so far. SarahK wouldn't even hold my hair! Said the she was afraid of the domino puke effect and I was a 'mighty sicky Mr. Wonderpuke" [Sigh] Married bliss. I'm green, so all I need now is a killer sunburn and I'll look like a something something Christmas ornament.

Be honorable roni--BLAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

**bears and packer fans should appreciate this (i would say lions fans as well, but i'm not sure if there actually are any out there)**

AP--Minneapolis
Mike Tice, coach of the Minnesota Vikings, was taken to the emergency room at the Hennepin County Medical Center late Saturday night complaining of severe abdominal pain. X-rays revealed that Tice had a large foreign object stuck up his rear. Doctors estimate that it had been there for six weeks, but were successfully able to remove it prior to kickoff of the Vikings' game with Pittsburgh on Sunday.

Any word from "Chief Palestinian Negotiator" Saeb Erekat yet about Ariel Sharon's recent stroke?

I'm assuming he'll say something like:

"We condemn the unilateral withdrawal of bloodflow from Ariel Sharon's brain as an aggressive and hostile act by Israel. Any withdrawal of bloodflow from his brain MUST be negotiated with the Palestinians!"

All I can say is thank God Shimon Peres quit the government when he did.

Good luck, Ehud Olmert!

Did you know that Wayne Gretzky once tried to copyright the number 99?

Imagine, having to pay a buck Gretzky for that Big Mac, or hearing "Gretzky Luftballoons" over the radio.

Madness, I tell you.

UPDATE:
Sad news. His mother has just died after a long illness.

Totally natural. No assists.

Now that Frank and Sarah are out of the picture for a while, I guess this is the perfect time for all of us to shamelessly plug all of our other projects besides IMAO.

For instance, I'm working on a project called davidcopperfield.isfullofcrap.com because there's nobody in the world more full of crap than David Copperfield.

Man, someone ought to slap that guy.

I've been left with the keys to the IMAO kingdom. I hope I don't mess anything up too bad.

My main task Frank left me with was to set up the Pajamas Media Ads on IMAO. Things look like they are set up ok but let me know if the blog acts skwonky.

I wonder what else I could get away with...

I set sail today on my honeymoon with my wife, the lovely and talented SarahK. The ship has a business center with limited internet access, so, if you are lucky, I will be able to post some of my brilliance for you periodically. I have a bunch of pictures already, but only have time to post this one now--our ship docked and waiting for us to come aboard.

Hopefully, we won't encounter any of that sickening Disney liberal tolerance you always hear so much about. Till later, ronin.

(A Filthy Lie)
(WITH PROFUSE APOLOGIES TO THE LATE DR. SEUSS)

...for what's in the extended entry...

We got 10th place in the Weblog awards for the humor category. That's certainly a big drop from second from last year, but Scrappleface only got 7th as well.

::sigh::

We did get a healthy third for best podcast with MuggleCast winning with 64% of the vote. There may actually be a new IMAO podcast before Christmas, BTW, since all the other bloggers are hyped about doing one.

As for me, this will probably be my last post for a while. I'd like to thank LA County for being faster than advertised about getting me a new, certified birth certificate so I can go on my cruise tomorrow. I'm hella busy at work, will probably be in late today, but then I have two worry-free weeks to spend with my wife, the lovely and talented SarahK. We get back from the cruise on Christmas Eve, and, while I won't guarantee anything, we might have some pictures to put up. If I don't see you until then, have an honorable Christmas, ronin.

I can't get the song "I can't fight this feeling anymore" by Air Supply out of my head.

So, I'm trying to make the best of it by fighting various things besides "this feeling."

For instance, for the past hour, I've been fighting "this robot." Before that, in honor of Frank J. I was fighting "this ninja" and "this monkey."

What should I fight next?

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Today, it's Frisky the Fluffy Warmonger...

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

sarahk

frank

The 33rd Carnival of Comedy is up at Right Wing Testimonial. but it's not finished. He's got some excuses:

Computer trouble
School
Work

I'll add a fourth one:

Slap pinky toe, Lazy

Update: DONE!

According to the National Assessment of Adult Literacy:

An estimated in one in 20 U.S. adults is not literate in English, which means 11 million people lack the skills to perform everyday tasks, a federal study shows. From 1992 to 2003, the nation's adults made no progress in their ability to read a newspaper, a book or any other prose arranged in sentences and paragraphs. They also showed no improvement in comprehending documents such as bus schedules and prescription labels.

And now you know why we podcast.

(We're still working on the version of IMAO you can eat... "IMAO's - Now a complete part of this conservative breakfast!")

Nothing grabs my attention like a line like this.

These days, it takes only one small and insignificant explosion to run (sic) your weasel experiments.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

The Patriot Act is coming up for renewal, and although it already contains many helpful tools for assisting law enforcement personnel - like the right to root around in your sock drawer without a warrant to see if you have a copy of "Bouncy Burkha Bondage Babes" magazine (as all terrorists do) - the law is lacking in civilian education programs.

Let's face it. Cops can't be everywhere (unless you're making an illegal U-turn), so it's important that EVERYONE knows how to spot a terrorist. Especially children, since they have keen eyes and big, tattling mouths. That's why I think the Patriot Act should include funding for printing up a fun and colorful - yet instructive - pamphlet to help people practice spotting Islamofascist deviltry.

In the extended entry, you'll find a sample page from "Where's Osama?"...

As IMAO's Official Token Jew™, I've been asked to comment on the declaration by Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad that the Holocaust was a myth exploited by Jews to steal land from Muslims...

It's Wednesday, so you know what that means: it's means it's time to question people's patriotism.

Liberals are always saying that conservative are questioning their patriotism when we attack their moronic ideas, but I wonder why we don't just go out and attack their lack of patriotism outright. It seems like a fun idea long overdue.

Today, I'm going to question the patriotism of John Kerry. He recently claimed that American soldiers are going into Iraqi homes in the dead of night and terrorizing kids and children. I don't care what his past service was; he now seems happy to undermine our troops if he thinks it helps his non-existent chance at being elected President in 2008. He obviously cares nothing for this country or the men and women who put their lives on the line for it, so consider his patriotism questioned, that traitor.

Question other people's patriotism in the comments. You can't question my patriotism, though, as I have a picture of an American flag somewhere on this site.

An Iraqi voter has a message for the moonbats.

I don't know how much you check out the nuttier left-wing sites, but many of the muckadoos are all a flutter over Bush supposedly saying that 30,000 Iraqi civilians have been killed. A number of news sources even had headlines saying, "Bush says 30,000 Iraqi civilians dead in war." But Greyhawk pointed out that the actual exchange is this:

Q Since the inception of the Iraqi war, I'd like to know the approximate total of Iraqis who have been killed. And by Iraqis I include civilians, military, police, insurgents, translators.

THE PRESIDENT: How many Iraqi citizens have died in this war? I would say 30,000, more or less, have died as a result of the initial incursion and the ongoing violence against Iraqis. We've lost about 2,140 of our own troops in Iraq.

Some newspapers when called on it have now changed their headlines, but the urban legend will probably live on (on DU, they were angry at Bush for not admitting more civilians were killed).

Now, I had my fun with TBogg yesterday and was going to leave it at that, but I began to wonder what makes a TBogg tick. Thus, I checked out his posts today. In one, he tries to take Greyhawk to task in this already lost battle, TBogg saying that the original headlines were correct. Why does TBogg think this? Because, apparently, TBogg doesn't understand the differences between the word "civilian" and "citizen." Now I'm feeling bad because I realize that yesterday I was making fun of retarded people. I guess I could try and make up for it by explaining how all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares to help them understand, but I fear references to geometry would just confuse them further.

I think the original goal of cheering up TBogg was a good one, because the people over there seem very angry and confused. They might even bite. So, how does one cheer up a leftwing nut? I was thinking you could put on a chimp mask and say, "I'm Resident Bush!" and that would make them laugh, clap, and giggle at how clever that is. Put other ideas for cheering up lefties in the comments.

UPDATE: This is so moronic and TBogg left himself so open, that it almost seems like its a trap. Anyone think its a trap? Maybe I should have sent spacemonkey in to make fun of his post first...

Carnival of Comedy Schedule:
Dec 15 - Right Wing Testimonial
Dec 22 - Cadet Happy
Dec 29 - Motopolitico

Want to enter? Go here, or here.

. . . the high quality version of this low quality sample . . . maybe

video snuck out of texas on the back of an illegal alien with leprosy

I have to agree with SarahK that the new Kong ads (I've heard them on radio and seen them on TV) are cringe worthy. After they’re done courting women to the movie, are they going to have to undo the damage to male perceptions that this flick is going to be the next Titanic?

NEW MALE ORIENTED KONG AD

(loud rock music plays as various action clips are shown on screen at a break-neck pace)

ANNOUNCER: New movie has big, mad monkey who smashes things! You go see!

In an earlier post, Ducky was called a "Saltine" by a commenter which I guess is the new way of calling someone a "cracker." That made me think that, since we don't have pictures of everyone or about pages yet, people might not be clear who all the IMAO bloggers are. So, here is a quick guide to the IMAO bloggers:

RightWingDuck: the dumb, honky cracker

Harvey: the angry black man

Laurence Simon: the Christian fundamentalist

spacemonkey: the Asian transvestite

Cadet Happy (or whatever name he happens to go by now): the chimp taught to use a keyboard and mouse

Aquaman: the greatest superhero ever

SarahK: the city-destroying monster

Frank J.: the god-like overlord of the blogdodecahedron

I plan to color-code posts eventually, but hopefully that will help you keep the bloggers straight for now.

I can't reveal my sources, but I have obtained audio of a meeting between the Governator and Tookie on the matter of his clemency. We all know how that turned out, but I still think it's of historical interest.

Listen to it here.

Tookie Williams is now dead, and that is a tragedy. At least it is as measured by the most recent RLPSC (Ranting Liberals Per Sound Clip). To hear them talk, Tookie was a man who was completely innocent, and anyway, he turned his life around. Which leads me to believe that he was indeed innocent but turned his life to vicious murdering hate. So I guess that in the end, it all worked out.

It was sad to see him go. Supporters claimed that Tookie should have been shown mercy because his books provided so much direction to kids. Now those books will simply disappear into thin air, because… oh, wait a minute. The books will still be around – hooray– the kids are saved!

However, if it was a tragedy to kill Tookie, I have to say it would be an even greater tragedy to bury him. Especially when he can still do so much good.

I firmly believe that Tookie still has something to contribute to society. This leads me to today's topic – Ways that Tookie Can Still Make a Difference Today.

Things that Tookie Can Still Do To Benefit Society.

For example, just because he's dead, it doesn't mean that Tookie can't be involved in peace marches and other good stuff.

And, if we find a tall enough building, he can still help fight all that gang activity.

Of course, what's the most important thing you can do for your country after you die? Vote Democrat! In some states, the dead population makes up a key element to the Democratic base.

Or you can benefit society in small ways. I for one, like being able to get tickets to my favorite concerts. But those lines are just so long! If only we knew someone who would camp out the ticket office in the freezing cold and help us out!

Plus, the cold would help preserve the body. That's a good thing. Because we want him looking his best in front of the cameras.

It turns out that all those celebrity endorsements really did help!

**

Well, that's all for today. It's been fun talking about the death penalty. Personally, I'm against killing prisoners, but I feel we need to have a safe place to do it - otherwise, we'd resort to back alley executions with coat hangers.

Keep checking back, there's always good stuff at IMAO.

Tookie Williams was irritated that the execution took longer than he expected because of problems getting the needle into his arm.

Witnesses and prison officials said Williams appeared to grow impatient as prison staffers searched for several minutes for a vein in his muscular left arm.

"He did seemed frustrated that it didn't go as quickly as he thought it might," said San Quentin State Prison Warden Steven Ornoski.

Whining about several minutes?

Thanks to your lawyers, your liberal Hollywood friends, the tangled justice system, and meddling NGO's, it took 24 years to get that needle into your arm, you murdering bastard. Twenty-six, if you count from the moment you killed those four people, and even longer than that if you go back to when you founded your gang of destruction.

What's a few more minutes, Tookie?

The Gates Of Hell are always open, 24 by 7. Walk right in, they've been waiting for you a very long time.

I want to be on my honeymoon!

Well, just have to make it to Saturday, and then two weeks with my love, SarahK.

Now where's that friggin' birth certificate (who could believe I'm not American?)? If they don't let me on my cruise, this blog will turn to exclusively trashing Disney.

Who trashes a wedding? Liberals are such trolls these days, hiding in darkness under their bridges, running from any sunlight that shines through, and gnashing their teeth and stomping their feet at the thought of any happiness. If a chocolate gun made poor TBogg wet his pants in fright, then it's good SarahK didn't go through with her originally plan of having a holster in place of a garter.

Weddings should make people happy, so everyone go over and try and cheer up poor TBogg. Frank J. and SarahK are wed and there is one less Tookie in the world, so all should rejoice. Beckon the troll from under his bridge and tell him to frolic in the meadows and chase the butterflies. Yay!

BTW, when did IMAO go from unfunny to painfully unfunny? In the Weblog Awards, we're like eighth place or something (remember: you can vote every 24 hours). I don't mind losing badly to a professional like Scott Adams, but who the hell is Jesus' General? As for Best Podcast, we're hopelessly behind MuggleCast but still have a chance for second place. As a bid for more votes, while there will be no new podcast until January, I will post some new audio later today.

Can an agnostic truly and definitively know, without a shadow of a doubt that they indeed are actually an agnostic?

If not, would that make them instead a skeptic?

I'm not so sure.

Now you can be asking Jesus if children's books make up for murder.

I'm thinking that answer is "No."

At one past midnight, Tookie Williams will be beaten to death with baseball bats. In a recent 6 to 3 Supreme Court ruling, it was concluded that death by baseball bats is cruel, but baseball bats being used as clubs is quite usual, so the penalty does not violate the Eighth Amendment since it is not cruel and unusual.

Deciding that it cost a lot to pay for car parking when flying out of Orlando, we made some friends in the area to keep our car for us for free (we met them at the blogger screening of Serenity - coming soon to DVD). They kept my Hyundai Santa Fe on their driveway while we were in Fort Worth and said they didn't drive it at all. Then we just had to call them yesterday when we were about to arrive.

Free parking; yay!

BTW, here are some pictures from when Sarah and I went to MGM Studios and Epcot with the Pereiras recently. You can see the "holiday" tree mentioned in a previous post. My favorite picture is of us on the Epcot Test Track, though (one of those "candid" shots the ride tries to sell to you... and succeeded in this case).

Well, we're back to the days of car bombings in Beirut.

So, what does this prove? Why, it proves the civilizing power of France!

After all, in France, Muslim rioters were setting fires to parked cars and buildings, but avoiding actually killing anyone.

But in Beirut, they weren't even patient enough to wait for these guys to get out of their cars before blowing them to Kingdom Come.

Everything else aside, it shows how civilized French society is. Whether or not you've integrated yourselves into it, you're still bound to get a little bit of it on you.

Three cheers for France!

I’ve accomplished a lot of things in my life. I’ve gotten married, I’ve had kids – well, not me, I mean my wife, and I’ve even managed to hold down a job. But sometimes these accomplishments seem so hollow. Why? Because I haven’t been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Sure, I’ve never been a murderous thug, but that’s only an unofficial requirement.

Having watched the news, it seems that there’s a death row inmate here in California who not only was nominated – but he also wrote a kids book.

This is inspirational. I’ve always wanted to write a kids book to help inspire all those young eager minds – and to make lots and lots of money.

However, it seems that most publishers want to see some sort of “draft” before they’ll fork over any dough! Don’t they know who I am? Every day I hold Frank J’s Coat!!

So it is with sincere pleasure that I now share my latest entry into the exciting world of Children’s books.

Give Me Your Money, By RWD. Retail Price $6.95

Once upon a time, there was a sweet, and gentle gangbanger. His friends called him Killer K. One day Killer K said, “I’m Hungry.” His friends laughed at him. So he shot them.

Some other friends looked on this and said, “Killer, if you had a job, then you would have money. Then you could have all the food you want.”

Killer K thought about this. People were always telling him to learn a skill, take his life seriously, and become a productive member of society. “Get a job?” he said. “That’s racist.”

So Killer K did the next best thing. He robbed a bank.

The bank robbery went perfect. Except for killing a few people, and getting caught. But the bank had free breath mints, so Killer wasn't so hungry. The next day, the true story was all over the newspapers. He was sent to jail despite pleadings from overweight ministers saying that Killer K was the true victim.

Killer K said, “Now that I’m in prison, I’ll have all the things I need.”

His lawyers said that he should put himself into one of the many wonderful prison rehab programs. These programs trained prisoners in important job skills.

Guess who's back, very tired, and has an extremely busy week ahead of him before he can go on his honeymoon cruise?

Give you a hint. Name starts in an F and ends in a J.

I just found out yesterday I need a copy a certified copy of my birth certificate or they won't let my on the cruise, so I'm scrambling to get a new one sent to me express while at the same time trying to find what happened to the old one.

Anyhoo, I'm not going to go full details of the wedding right now, but one of my biggest disappointments was that I barely got to talk to Kevin (a.k.a. cadet happy, a.k.a. sirkisser, a.k.a. mud shoelace, a.k.a. that guy who always photoshops me to look gay, a.k.a. beardo lawyer) and his daughter at all, but he was kind enough to already have up a great photo round up. I also got to meet the blogger formerly known as Spoons and his wife, the first documented blogger marriage. It's cool how many people can find smart and pretty wives through blogging.

It was a great wedding, and my only regret was that the DJ (a marine, incidentally) did not have "I am the Walrus" on his Karaoke list (I sang "One Week" for my solo; how could I resist a song that mentions both Aquaman and samurai?). Also, it should be noted that Kris (iowsoccermom) has a great voice along with piano skills (check her site for pictures from the rehersal dinner). Sarah and her should form a band.

Speaking of Sarahs, my Silly Sister Sarah was never anything near overweight, but now she's even thinner - like Calista Flockhart thin. She is available, BTW, so applications to date her can be sent so me. Those found lacking will be beaten within an inch of their lives for looking at my little sister.

Before I have my two week honeymoon, I'll try to catch up on current events and do a little blogging this week. Then, in January, expect me and the rest of IMAO to be back in full force like never before.

BTW, is there anything better than marital sex?

i was one of the lucky folks who was able to attend the wedding on saturday night. needless to say, fun was had by all. i should be asleep right now, but i've sacrificed a few hours sleep so you can get the skinny on the proceedings . . .

UPDATES:

kris at gradualdazzle has more pics . . .
i've also posted some more pics . . .
i also have video of some of the karaoke performances that you might be seeing soon . . .

CLICK TO READ MORE!

Frank & Sarah are getting married, and on a happy occasion like this, I think it's only appropriate that we share our favorite memories of the lucky couple.

Sort of.

So I'm stealing this notion from Tammi of Tammi's World:

"Remember the time we..."

Please post a comment with a completely fictional memory of you and me. It can be anything you want– good or bad, silly or stupid, believable or not – but it has to be fake.

What are YOUR best memories of time spent with Frank & Sarah?

Frank and Sarah are having the big wedding shindig today.

I was invited, and really wanted to go, but I had to decline. I had some family matters I had to take care of.

But apparently they are going to go ahead and have the thing anyway. Some of the other IMAO bloggers are going to be there, sort of a consolation prize I guess.

Congratulations Frank and Sarah! Thanks for soldiering on without me.

Wedding Roundup:
Bridezilla?
Congratulations, you're dead.
When Bloggers Marry

(A Filthy Lie)

When Frank & Sarah get married, there's one thing they'll have to watch out for... (see extended entry)

---

(click to enlarge)

Glenn Reynolds trying to upstage the bride.

Remember, Frank, Sarah will be the pretty one. Try not to get confused.

...Close It

Voting Update: Aside from a few who have more votes than us, we are utterly and totally destroying all the competition, with extreme prejudice! Thanks!

Remember a true IMAO-erican will vote daily from every computer they have access to.

I made some crappy looking mods to the 'official' 2005WA graphics, since we are nominated for two, count 'em TWO awards. Here they are in all their crappiness!

Ps: clicking the images will take you to the appropriate award voting post.

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Today, it's Piper the Crackbaby with a little bag of something...

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

*BING* You are now free to kill a six year-old.

(Via BlogHouston)

Well, Taranto ripped our local Symphony a new one over political correctness gone amok:

Handel's Messiah By Conductor Christopher Seaman

Both an awe-inspiring holiday tradition and a memorable religious experience, Handel's Messiah returns this holiday season. Guest conductor Christopher Seaman leads Houston's premier performance of Handel's choral masterwork, which includes the timeless Hallelujah Chorus.

If they really want to be sensitive to those who can't stomach "Christmas," shouldn't they change the name of the work to, say, Handel's "Dude"?

Since they can't handle Christmas Time, let's see what other days of the week and months the Moonbats want to change:

Monday = Change to Munday so they can spell it.
Tuesday = Change to Twosday so they can spell it.
Wednesday = Change to Wensday so they can spell it.
Thursday = Named after Thor. Pagan God. Perfectly fine.
Saturday = Has "turd" in it. Obviously changed by the censors. Change back to Sashitday.

February = Change to Febuary so they can spell it.
March = Soldiers march. Too military. Be more specific: "March For Peace."
June = Sounds like it has "Jew" in it. Change it. "Martin Luther King Month." ("Um... but he was born in January" "RACIST!")
July = Sounds like "Jew lie." Well, they do. That's why we're in Iraq. Damn Neocons. Keep it the way it is.

Q: If Mark David Chapman had killed Yoko Ono instead of John Lennon, what would be on the Strawberry Fields plaque instead of "IMAGINE" ?

To: ALa
Rule breaker! Rule Breaker!
Now you're just a mule... shaker.

To: Everyone
Ok I have no idea what that meant either.
But ALa did do a very nice job on the Carnival of Comedy in spite of the blatant and utterly unforgiveable rule breaking.

She added a nice touch with the 'Rules Guys Wish Women Knew'. Even more fitting considering the upcoming heterosexual nuptials between Frank and Sarah.

Why not go over there to Blonde Sagacity, read the current carnival of comedy and call ALa a mule shaker or a rule breaker or something that rhymes with 'ool acre'

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Have you noticed lately that the MSM isn't doing diddly as far as reporting any good news from Iraq?

Me too.

So, given that there IS actually good news to be reported (as the weekly CentCom newsletter so amply demonstrates) I thought I'd share what I knew.

Interspersed - just for fun - with how I imagine your standard Liberal Media terrorist-coddling lapdogs would title the story.

Feel free to play along, if you'd like.

250,000 THREATENED WITH ARREST AND DETENTION IN IRAQ! WHO WILL BE BUSH'S NEXT VICTIM?

2. The completion of renovations to 12 schools in Baghdad, Basrah, and Al Anbar Provinces will equal a better learning environment and brighter future for over 7,200 Iraqi schoolchildren and 50 teachers.

US PROPAGANDA JUGGERNAUT ROLLS OVER IRAQI CHILDREN!

3. Over 29 km of new roads between Qadisiyah Province and Wassit Province will provide a safer travel route for farming villages to transport their crops to the market and reaching larger towns such as Baghdad.

BUSH FAILURE MAKES IT EASIER FOR ROADSIDE BOMBERS TO STRIKE!

4. 500,000 people annually will benefit from six renovated railroad station in Qadisiyah Province will provide protection from the environment while the passengers wait to board the train and for the stationmaster to schedule freight movements.

BUSH FORCES IRAQIS INTO OVERCROWDED TRAINS: EASY TARGETS FOR TERRORISTS INSURGENTS FREEDOM-FIGHTERS!

5. 150,000 residents between Baghdad, Ninewa, and Wassit Province now enjoy more reliable electricity as their 15 km of electrical power feeder were installed to local distribution substations.

IS BUSH PLANNING NEW "ELECTRIC CHAIR" TORTURE CHAMBER IN IRAQ?

6. 80,000 people between Maysan, Najaf, and Ninewa Provinces now enjoy potable water with the installation of three compact water units and repair of 27 km of water line.

IRAQI WATER MAY CONTAIN DEPLETED URANIUM: BUSH'S NEW PLOT TO POISON IRAQI BABIES!

7. Four border forts in Maysan Province and two border forts in Al Anbar Province will increase the security along the border with Iran and Saudia Arabia, allow for the proper training of the border police, and provide additional logistical support for border patrols.

BUSH'S IRAQI POLICE STATE: THE NEW EAST BERLIN?

8. The completion of a Port of Entry in Ninewa province will expedite the safe passage of thousands of vehicles and persons traveling between Iraq and Syria daily.

FASTER PASSAGE FORTERRORISTS INSURGENTS FREEDOM-FIGHTERS? BUSH SAYS "BRING IT ON"!

9. Fire stations in Al Anbar, Basrah, Diyala, and Kirkuk Provinces will increase fire security for 100,000 residents in local towns and provide an excellent training facility for firefighters.

100,000 IRAQIS LULLED INTO FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY IN SPITE OF MASSIVE FIRE THREAT!

10. Completion of cluster pump station is part of an overall project to restore water injection to pre-war levels. The water injection infrastructure is critical to providing adequate pressure on the oil reservoir in the Rumaylah field and has a direct impact on crude oil production output.

BUSH RAMPS UP THEFT OF IRAQI OIL!

By the way, the CentCom newsletter is free, contains the stories the MSM doesn't bother reporting, and can be delivered to your inbox by clicking this link & leaving your e-mail address.

If you don't sign up, then the MSM terrorists will have won.

I heard a rumor that Frank J. is getting me a set of these for Christmas...

Of course, he's also going to want a remote login to my system so he can control and fire them.

Now why would he ever want to do that?

Well, he does have a big round target on his sides...

Interesting Poll finds broad approval of terrorist torture.

Most Americans and a majority of people in Britain, France and South Korea say torturing terrorism suspects is justified at least in rare instances, according to AP-Ipsos polling.

I don't like terrorists and I don't know them, so they fit my strict guidelines for torture. They should be beaten, electrocuted, have bamboo shoots stuck under their fingernails, and anything else you can think of.

Ok, so by now you are thinking the same thing I am thinking. As the last few days pass before his (and of course Sarahk's) wedding, is this the dawning of the Great Frankening which was foretold in prophecy?

i've seen pictures of guys on death row with sunnier constitutions . . .

http://www.pereiraville.com/scribble/ (for the stories)

http://www.pereiraville.com/slideshows/2005/120605/index.htm (for the pictures)

Go over to GOP and College and caption the picture of Howard Dean with a halo of lights around his head.

Hey sportsfans, Chadrafans and ceiling fans!

The Carnival of Comedy is approaching like some sort of runaway literary device.

This weeks host? Why it's going to be Blonde Sagacity.

See?

Schedule:
Dec 8 - Blonde Sagacity
Dec 15 - Right Wing Testimonial
Dec 22 - Cadet Happy

Want to enter? Go here, or here.

Just a few days till carnival time!

Much to my shock, there will be a BlogJam about Internet Governance and some other technologically complex stuff at Pajamas Media today. Apparently, the Internet is too powerful and complex to leave in the hands of the Global Zionist Conspiracy or Haliburton or whomever runs it these days.

Someone's running it, right? It's not just running wildly out of control like Bobcat Goldthwait on the Tonight Show, right?

Oh, and one of the participants is named Laurence Simon. (No relation)

Let's see if he pulls a Frank J. and forgets to plug IMAO or the podcast.

PS: "Spacemonkey Runs The Internet" is, in fact, a Lost Episode of the IMAO Podcast that was recorded in the 50's, lost in the archives, and then rediscovered when Spacemonkey cleaned out his trunk.

That, and the box of Twinkies found with it, were both in the process of being digitally remastered and recorded. However, Harvey insisted on playing Tetris and the episode was lost once again.

Trust me. It was really, really funny.

I'm leaving for Texas today to get all married and stuff, and, just in time for the plane flight, I got a copy of The Weapon by Michael Z. Williamson and his first novel, Freehold. I'll tell you what I think of them after I read 'em. Until then, here's maybe my last post for a while, the final part of Michael Z. Williamson's amazing beliefs about guns.

* * * *

AMAZING BELIEFS PART 5

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Q: Who has more hair on their back: Jack Black or King Kong?

When I finally voted last night, I found that IMAO was in hot competition for second place for Best Humor Blog while some blog I've never seen called Jesus General had like seven time the votes of anyone else. Anyone know anything about that blog?

As for Best Podcast, despite our hiatus until Janurary (just like 24!), we had a good lead as of last night since no one was voting in that category.

Anyway, keep voting (you can vote once a day in each category). And someone update me how things are going since I don't have flash at work and can't see the votes.

Oh, we should probably sponsor people in other categories. I remember Basil's Blog was a finalist for something...

Iranian military plane wipes Tehran apartment building off of the map.

Time for a family plug!

My uncle has a website called Buddha's Place that offers a lot of interesting merchandise. He sent me a monk bag (made in Sri Lanka and the profits of which go to charity). SarahK made great use of that on our last trip to Disney World. Another neat item is something I never even heard of: a bamboo t-shirt.

Anyway, there are some neat stuff. Check it out.

NBC has finally decided to use the "Nobody bothered to tell Matt and Katie" excuse to answer criticism that NBC totally ignored the Macy's Parade injuries.

However, NBC went on to dump empty praise on the audience for being able to tell the difference between entertainment and news events:

"I think viewers are sophisticated enough to know that Katie and Matt are covering a parade," Capus said. "They're not covering the State of the Union. There's a difference."

Just in case you're one of the few retards out there that needs a little help:

The Difference Between The State Of The Union and The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

MACY'S PARADE: Happens on Thanksgiving Morning, once per year.
STATE OF THE UNION: Happens in late January, once per year.

MACY'S PARADE: Manhattan
STATE OF THE UNION: Washington (Until Iran gets nuclear weapons, of course. Then it will be in whatever fallout shelter the President has relocated to.)

MACY'S PARADE: Gigantic inflated sacks of hot air floating down the street, held by tethers.
STATE OF THE UNION: Ted Kennedy, Charles Rangel, Dennis Hastert...

MACY'S PARADE: Sponsored by Macy's
STATE OF THE UNION: Sponsored by Haliburton

MACY'S PARADE: Later that evening, people will be groggy from eating too much turkey.
STATE OF THE UNION: People are groggy from wondering why we elected these turkeys.

MACY'S PARADE: Constantly interrupted by pointless commercials.
STATE OF THE UNION: Constantly interrupted by pointless applause.

STATE OF THE UNION: Many people watch while playing drinking games
MACY'S PARADE: Too early for drinking games. (Except for Ted Kennedy, of course)

MACY'S PARADE: Police line the parade route, keeping the squirming masses off of the street.
STATE OF THE UNION: Congressmen and Congresswomen line the President's route to the podium, trying to get seen shaking hands with him while squirming and shouldering a path to the aisle. Twice.

STATE OF THE UNION: Leaders of House, Senate, and Administration are up on the podium.
MACY'S PARADE: Williard Scott is dressed in a chipmunk suit, throwing peanuts.

MACY'S PARADE: Santa Claus brings up the rear.
STATE OF THE UNION: (BARNEY FRANK JOKE DELETED)

MACY'S PARADE: Followed by bloated moron commentators yammering during football.
STATE OF THE UNION: Followed by bloated moron commentator yammering during Hardball.

When I was at Disney World's Epcot Center recently, they had a large, decorated pine tree displayed prominently. I then wondered if it was a Christmas tree or one of those newfangled "Holiday" trees. There were a number of placards on the tree, and the only ones that said "Merry Christmas" were in foreign languages so as not to antagonize over-sensitive Americans, apparently. What was in English was a placard that wished my unspecified holidays would be "happy" and one that said "Have a Joyous Kwanzaa." That made me wonder why Kwanzaa was the only holiday that could get specific mention in English. Perhaps the tenets of Kwanzaa could be offensive to me. Of course, I had no idea what Kwanzaa was and whether to be offended, so I asked the nearest Disney employee what Kwanzaa was. It happened to be Mickey Mouse, and he just shrugged his shoulders and danced a happy little jig in response. I then knocked him to the ground and demanded answers.

And, if any prosecutor asks, Mickey produced his own weapon before I pulled out the switchblade.

While the most common question in regards to Kwanzaa is "What the hell is Kwanzaa?" perhaps that's the wrong question to be asking. Maybe a better question is whether Kwanzaa exists at all. Not only do I not know anyone who celebrates Kwanzaa, I don't even know anyone who knows anyone who knows how to celebrate Kwanzaa if he or she wanted to.

The traditional story about the creation of Kwanzaa is that, in 1966, an American black militant exclaimed, "I ain't celebrating no white man's holiday!" and made a new African holiday which’s celebration would start the day after Christmas. As charming as that story is, there simply is no evidence to corroborate it. If Kwanzaa has been around nearly forty years, wouldn't there be some documented evidence of a Kwanzaa celebration? Instead, all supposed proof of Kwanzaa is highly questionable.

Through some nasty hacking, I've got comments working now. So comment away because we care what you think and stuff.

I've resubmitted my fantasy/western short for Baen's Universe. I've edited it down so it's now pretty much straight action (and also tried to improve the general literary quality of it). You can find it at Baen's Bar in Baen's Universe Slush as "No Good Deed... ver 2." Constructive or destructive criticism goes in Baen's Universe Slush Comments in topic "No Good Deed... ver 2 comments." I like the characters and setting enough that I might use them for the next story bit by bit.

BTW, there's a reference to the last line of my favorite movie near the beginning. Special bonus samurai points to whoever can point out the line and what move it comes from.

Also, La Shawn Barber has a new blog devoted to Fantasy Fiction for Christians (and I agree with her that Harry Potter falls under that category).

Amazon 1-star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book:

12pm 12-4-05:
11-29: 3
11-30: 1
12-1: 1
12-2: 9
12-3: 3
12-4: 0

9am 12-5-05:
11-29: 2
11-30: 1
12-1: 1
12-2: 8
12-3: 3
12-4: 1
12-5: 1

See first and second tracking posts for earlier dates.

Then there's this post at Kos (purportedly by St. Cindy) complaining that the pictures being circulated of her at a poorly-attended book-signing were taken out of context.

To cheer her up, Kos readers are encouraged in the comments to leave positive reviews at Amazon.

Here's an interesting comment near the top of the thread:

Though I feel a little guilty that I posted a review without having read the book, I did so, encouraging people to read it for themselves and not to trust the freepers.

Probably a lie. You have to have a conscience in order to feel guilty.

[Hat tip to IMAO reader Iowa GI pointing out the Kos post]

I was going to write some of this in the comments to the previous two posts, but comments don't seem to be working right now for some reason.

Anyway, if I only hadn't voted for Iowahawk myself and convinced someone else not to vote, I could have legitimately tied for third in the Warblogger Awards.

Oh well; we have a chance in the Weblog Awards now (as long as James Taranto doesn't screw us over on a whim like last year). Problem is, now is a bad time for judging IMAO. I'm too busy to blog this month (I plan to have out one investigative report before I leave tomorrow night for my wedding), and the podcast is on hiatus until Janurary. That leaves everything in the hands of my incompetent co-bloggers.

Anyhoo, vote for us as funniest blog and best podcast. That's the only way to be an honorable ronin.

Umm... there's also the Weblog Awards: Where we are nominated for something called Best Podcast.
And also something called Best Humor/Comics Blog

Yay!

Right Wing News has announced the Fourth Annual Warblogger Awards.

Let's see... IMAO got 10 votes for funniest blog, giving it an honorable mention. And as Frank always says... something.... honorable something... Ronin.

Since I'm a loyal servant of Frank (until the contract runs out in 2011... nobody said all Jews were good with legal stuff), I guess I can give him the four votes from poor deluded saps who voted for some crapy site I write on my own.

That gives IMAO a total of 14 votes for funniest blog.

Still second place.

DAMN YOU, SCRAPPLEFACE!

Okay, so you folks want some authentic Houston blogging?

Fine.

This is David Carr:

He sucks.

Happy now?

Amazon 1-star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book 3pm 12-3-05:

11-29: 3
11-30: 1
12-1: 2
12-2: 11
12-3: 2

Count as of 12pm 12-4-05:

11-29: 3
11-30: 1
12-1: 1
12-2: 9
12-3: 3
12-4: 0

See this post for earlier dates.

Ya suppose it's like some kind of weird code and that Amazon's trying to tell us something with these numbers?

I'm having a hard time understanding this whole Christmas Tree thing.

I was going by the Krogers' lot the other day, and they'd taken up about half the lot and filled it with trees. This meant that I had to circle a few times to find a spot, walk a few minutes in the rain to get my groceries, and then push the cart aaaaaalll the way back... ugh.

Anyway, will someone explain how chopping down a bunch of trees, humiliating them with all sorts of garish goofy fragile ornaments from the Hallmark store, and then throwing them out when they go bad is supposed to celebrate the birth of your messiah?

The presents, I get. Mass marketing, keeps the economy going. Good for all. And maybe even the big fat bearded guy in the red suit flying around makes sense... that's the Coca Cola Company's fault, I figure. Well, them and the animators at Rankin Bass.

But the ritual humiliation and discarding of trees has got me at a loss. Almost as much as whole bunny rabbit and colored eggs thing with regards to the messiah's coming back to the dead.

Whatever. If you'll excuse me, I have to finish carving up this block of wood for my homemade dreidel. And don't tell me that it's a sinful gambling device. When was the last time you got trackback or comment spam from an offshore site like "Dreidel Dollars dot com" or "Hanukkah Party Palace dot net" ?

(A Filthy Lie)

This week's Filthy Lie Assignment was to answer the question:

What was Evil Glenn's connection to the mob that attacked the New York Air desk at Washington National Airport?

Turns out there was no connection at all.

Seems Glenn was just trying to catch a flight to Iraq so that he could share Thanksgiving dinner with the troops, as seen in this completely non-photoshopped image:

The unruly mob?

They all wanted to get tickets to Amazon.com's headquarters in Seattle, so they could... discuss... why their 1-star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book got deleted:

After being informed that Amazon.com has been fudging the reviews of Cindy Sheehan's new book, IMAO reader TJ dropped them a line:

NICKNAME: TJ
COMMENTS: Just so you know a conservative blog is keeping track of all the 1 star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book you are deleting from the web page selling her book.

She received the following reply, which may or may not have been edited to comply with IMAO guidelines:

Meanwhile, we at Amazon.com would like to reward your dilligence. If you will provide us with your home address, we can send over our team of Amazon.com "Safety Specialists" to perform a free inspection of your house. Did you know that natural gas leaks are the #1 cause of residential explosions? When our team of large, Italian men gets to your door, invite them in and listen VERY carefully to the "safety tips" they offer.

Because that's a real nice home you got there, and it would be a shame if anything were to happen to it. Don't you agree?

Again, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to let us know about this. Feedback from conscientious individuals such as yourself helps us maintain the quality and integrity of our site.

Thank you for your interest in Amazon.com.

Please let us know if this e-mail resolved your question:

If yes, click here:

http://www.amazon.com/rsvp-y?c=aqhtgvwr3403743366

If not, click here:

http://www.amazon.com/rsvp-n?c=ENEMIES.LIST/EXTERMINATE

Best regards,

Amazon.com Customer Service
http://www.amazon.com

As explained in this post, Amazon has been quietly removing 1-star reviews from Cindy Sheehan's new book. Let's examine the history of the 1-star reviews by date:

3:15 pm 11-30-05

1-star reviews dated Nov 29: 5
1-star reviews dated Nov 30: 6

4:15 pm 11-30-05

1-star reviews dated Nov 29: 5
1-star reviews dated Nov 30: 5

7:00 am 12-1-05

1-star reviews dated Nov 29: 3
1-star reviews dated Nov 30: 5

11:00am 12-2-05:

1-star reviews dated Nov 29: 3
1-star reviews dated Nov 30: 1
1-star reviews dated Dec 1: 2
1-star reviews dated Dec 2: 1

You can easily track 1-star reviews with this link to the reviews listed lowest first.

Here's an interesting line from Dec 2, as posted by reviewer Jed:

"I left an honest but critical review of the book and the named author, it was removed. I once again left an honest yet critical review of this book; again it was removed but this time along with every review I have left on other items."

From Dec 1st, reviewer Kenneth:

"why has my review been removed? the book is poorly written and she does her political view a disservice when she espouses hatred. why does amazon censor reviews? does someone on amazon's staff allow their political viewpoint to override free speech?"

Dec 1st, JR Dunn:

"Be advised that somebody is using this page to target virus attacks against anyone who has written a negative review -- which, appearances to the contrary, is several hundred people by now.

(...)(some upstanding, tolerant lefty, no doubt) with the header "Invitation to be an Amazon Friend" appears in your inbox(this may differ from case to case, of course) praising your review and asking you to click a link. Needless to say, don't do it. Delete the sucker."

We'll see where it goes from here.

UPDATE: GOP & College has some more analysis, plus a couple screenshots.

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Today, it's Nardo the Greedy grabbing on to a catnip bag...

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats on Sundays.)

You want more amazing beliefs about guns from author Michael Z. Williamson? Then here you go! And I might even have an original post today to boot.

* * * *

AMAZING BELIEFS PART 4

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Go see The (not so) Daily Me - Carnival of Comedy #31 for your weekly Carnival of Comedy fix.

Hans (not Matt) is a tad bit late with the carnival but with good reason.

Plus he's got a few gripes about a lot of the entries and um, me. And he links the Scrappleface! Argh!

Oh well, nice job Hans (not Matt). Sorry the carnival submissions weren't all up to your standard of hahahainess. We can't all be spacemonkeys, now, can we?

Can't believe I forgot all about this. Since I'm too busy to blog, here is more amazing beliefs about guns from author Michael Z. Williamson:

* * * *

AMAZING BELIEFS PART 3

Part 1
Part 2

Good day Y'all

Let's Say You Are On The Internet.... Ok you are on the internet
Then you'd definitely want to go See Podcaster Details For IMAudiO on PodcastAlley.com -- So you can vote for it!!!

Why? Because if you won't then Frank will allow Glenn to blend your favorite puppy/kitten/hobo.

Update: We are just 11 votes out of the top ten! For some reason votes are slow to show up after being entered. At least mine was. Yes, I voted for my/our own podcast.

Man, there are so many jokes I could write about executing Tookie - not to mention all the other issues out there - if I only had some time.

Make some Tookie jokes/commentary in the comments so I at least feel that subject was covered.

Now if I could only make time for my rant about "Kwanzaa"...

The Nielsen ratings period known as "November Sweeps" is officially over for 2005.

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled crap, already in progress.