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December 31, 2005
My Resolutions For The New Year
In 2006 I resolve:
To fully and completely obey the law... of gravity.
To never, ever, wake up grumpy in the morning. I'm getting her an alarm clock.
To buy a really funny T-Shirt.
To wear hats more. And to wear more hats. Why does one always seem to be the limit?
To end my contant search for Waldo. He's an adult. If he wants to hide, I say let him hide.
To find a regular feature I can write regularly and become the hack everyone expects of me.
To become famous and wealthy.
To become even more famous and even wealthier still.
To become so unbelievably famous and unbelievably wealthy that I have no time or notice for people who are still languishing at that first level of wealth and fame. People will say "I don't believe you are this famous and wealthy." I won't blame or, for that matter, notice them. It WILL be hard to believe.
To own my own island where I will build a secret lair to launch a diabolical scheme and A) take over the world and B) establish democracies with capitalistic economies everywhere. I figure one scheme should do it. I've done my homework.
To eat more roughage.
Sarcastic Answer of the Week
John Hawkins has a regular feature on RightWingNews on which he answers,on seperate posts, questions submitted by his readers on the presvios day.
Its kind of like IMAO's "Ask Ducky" but without RightWingDuck and all the inherant rightwingduckiness associated with that.
He (John Hawkins) usually posts this feature named "Q & A Fridays" on random days of the week but this time he has posted it on of all days, a Friday. He delivers a great sarcastic answer to this question. Do You Think Right Wing News Helps The Conservative Cause?
Actually, the full question was "John, in all seriousness, do you think your site, www.rightwingnews.com, helps your cause?"
Predictions for 2006
My predictions for 2005 all turned out wrong, so why bother with 2006?
Heck, when the Mayor of Houston awarded a no-bid contract for towing companies to drag helpless freeway-clogging breakdowns away in his SafeClear proposal, I thought that Santa's sleigh would be towed by eight tiny SafeClear towtrucks.
Nope. Didn't happen. Just the usual eight tiny reindeer, towing the sleigh. Then Santa tried to make a left turn on Main and got whalloped by the METRO Light Rail.
Man, that bag of toys blew out like a pinata smacked by Barry Bonds. Broken toys for everyone!
So my resolution for 2006 will be to remain open-minded and flexible in dealing with whatever 2006 is fated to throw in my direction. And to be wise enough to listen when someone yells "DUCK!"
PS: Some of you have the tradition of firing guns off to ring in the New Year. I strongly believe in the individual's right to not only bear arms, but to use them in situations when it is necessary to defend and preserve innocent life.
I also believe in gun safety, since it is part of the use of a gun to prevent accidental and/or untimely snuffings of innocent individuals.
If you've got to go all Yosemite Sam at the stroke of midnight, here's one word of advice: fire blanks.
However, remember to swap the blanks for live rounds afterward. There's nothing quite like like starting off the New Year with black-eyed peas and a dead burglar in your front hallway.
Dr. Duck has answers
For a minute there I thought about delaying the latest answers to Ask Dr. Duck. Then I realized that pretty soon, most of you will be smash faced falling down thinking about voting Democrat - drunk.
Which means that by tomorrow, your hangover will be so bad you won't even care about what I wrote.
Man, I love writing.
Anyway - what happens when you come to Dr. Duck for adivse? THIS!!
As a Christian, I'm interested in the etymology of "doodie," especially as it relates to shepherds and wise men. Can you help?
As far as the etymology the breakdown is thusly: “Doo” meaning there’s some poop over there and “Ie” meaning – not I meant over there!
Help me Dr. Duck!
While swimming in the carribean, I got eaten alive by nasty sea lice. Now my bathing suit area is covered in disgusting, pus-filled postules. Benadryl isn't helping. And my new bride won't give me the time of day. What should I do?
He. he. She won’t give you the time of day? Buy a watch. It’s not like you use your money to pay your writers or anything.
Hee Hee. Sea lice. That’s funny. The readers really bought that one, hook, line, and lice.
Laura, it makes for good comedy. They could either have Charlie Brown fall down or get hit in the crotch. Ha. Ha. Getting hit in the crotch is hilarious – I mean – when it’s not me.
I think that Rosie O'Donnell is really hot. Don't you?
Posted by Senator Edward Kennedy
Two great topics, Senator. Rosie and Understeer.
Let’s start with some basic definitions. When you want to move right, but you have 1,200 pounds of rear end skidding left – that’s Rosie O’Donnell.
Understeer is when the car moves a little more to the right – or is that oversteer? I can never tell the difference. Anyway Senator, you want to make sure you can tell the difference – mostly because fat people float.
How much do you think Fox's programming in improved by American Idol? and how much do you think that is worth to them?
Personally, if I want to watch a bunch of singers with no real talent – I’ll watch the Grammies. But Fox has a hit and it’s worth a bunch of cash. I encourage all IMAO readers to audition while wearing a Nuke The Moon T-shirt. If you really want to stand out – avoid wearing pants. And have people kick you in the crotch. hahahahaha.
Many people don’t know this but the underground burrow network was managed by Amtrak. Because of this, every town felt that they were entitled to have a portion of the tunnel run right by their crappy little city.
No offense to Albuquerque. New Mexico is a very lovely state with many fine Mexican restaurants, serving very tasty burritos, that cater to New Mexico’s minority population – white people. (you know, I never get tired of that joke)
Dear Dr. Duck,
Sorry, I shouldn’t have made that stop in Albuquerque. Mmm. Burritos. I mean – it was SpaceMonkey!! Spacemonkey I tell you. I saw him smiling.
Why don't big corporate companies pay their bills? I can see an individual having problems, but corporate companies are supposed to have budgets...I mean what the hell?! Why do I end up calling these business monkeys three times a month just to get a freaking check?!!?
I’m sorry. I have no record of your question. Can you please resubmit it and we’ll tag it with the correct invoice/tracking number. At that point, we should be able to get an answer to you in a few weeks.
Seriously, have you thought of showing up at the accounting department with a couple of really big friends in tow?
Clerk: Welcome to the accounts payable department. What do you need?
How should I ask that special girl to marry me? What's the best way you've ever heard of?
Let’s start with the basics.
Are you sure you want to get married? Isn’t there someway you could get the exact same benefits without the wedding? Maybe you could stand on a street corner and have random ladies tell you that you have no idea what you’re talking about and that you really should have worn the other shirt – like they told you. Maybe they could make you stand there and hold their purses.
If that’s not enough then let me share with you the perfect wedding proposal scenario.
The best way was my Uncle Carlos. He met a woman later in life and was finally ready for marriage. When the big night came, he took her out to a lovely restaurant where they got a beautiful table overlooking the ocean waves. The had wine and an sumptuous dinner. Later that evening, he pulled out a ring and asked her to marry him. When she said Yes, he had a heart attack and died. Lucky bastard.
Why is there a permamnet press setting on my iron?
Check the stttetings.
Back in November my dog ran off. I had given him the combination to the safe just in case I forgot. I forgot. What do I do now?
Have you thought about getting a cat?
Just kidding. I love dogs, too. Just the other day, I found one roaming the streets. It keeps tapping out code, like it’s saying Left 23, right 14, left 41 or something. Or maybe it’s saying, “I have to go doodie.”
Yeah, so, is this help thing still open? I have a confession. I knocked a spider off of the microwave, and the spider fell into the microwave, and I closed the door to the microwave, and I turned the microwave on, and the spider met an untimely demise. Was that cruel of me? Does that make me a terrorist? And the government is inside my computer taking pictures of me. Damn. Now they have my confession. Am I going to jail?
Paperboy, what a coincidence. I had the exact same thing happen to me except it involved the neighbors Chihuahua. Twice. Technically, it doesn’t make you a terrorist. It just makes you human. As the Holy Bible says: Let he who has never taken a living creature and shoved it into the microwave to die for our entertainment – let him step forward and try it because it’s totally cool. (I’m paraphrasing of course, but I stand by my interpretation.)
As for the second part – how do you know the government is inside your microwave? Does it take holidays off? Does it have a line waiting to microwave spiders? Is it taking your food and outsourcing it to other microwaves?
P.S. The government really watches you through your toilet – it’s in the Patriot Act.
I knew you were going to ask that. No, a mole is nothing to worry about. BTW, I know that your next question is going to be about your sunglasses. Check the coffee table right next to the current issue of Oprah magazine. Man, those moles are chock full of information.
Thanks all for tuning in. It's been a wonderful year. I hope to come back next year with more Dr. Duck, if you folks still ike it.
Also, I've decide to bring back the roundup. For those of you who don't know - the roundup was a monologue style segment - like Leno or Letterman - but slightly more right-leaning.
Happy New Year
HNY From IMAO
Happy New Year to all of you weirdoes out there from all of us weirdoes in here.
Hopefully this new year, 2006, will witness the final days, hours, minutes and ever weakening, rasping breaths of the Democratic Party.
December 30, 2005
Wow, Frank's back and the rest of us have practically clammed up I wonder if there's a connection. Closing with another chicken/road type joke.
A. While originally against crossing to the other side, the Democrat saw the other side of the road was getting good polling data, plus everyone else had already crossed it a few weeks ago.
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Today, it's Frisky the King Of Fluffiness...
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...
Wait. Now Piper's shown up. Hold on...
And now Nardo's getting into the act.
Well, isn't that just great. Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
December 29, 2005
Carnival Of Comedy #35
Carnival of Comedy XXXV is up at Motopolitico. Not too many entries this week probably due to not many people entering. I could be wrong. Or the usual entrants are a bunch of...couldn't think of a demeaning word that was in the Christmas spirit.
Thanks Mr. Moto!
Comedy Of Carnival Reminder
Mr. Moto tells me there are very few entries this time. So, get your crap entered. I can say that, cause I know from crap.
I took some liberties with the schedule, but I hope my conscripts (and you know who you are) are amenable.
December 28, 2005
Putting the Extra Troops to Good Use
Rummy says that the US plans on pulling 7000 combat troops out of Iraq in 2006. Mostly because Iraqi security forces will be trained up enough to do most of the terrorist-shootin' themselves by that time. Hard to believe it's taking them this long to improve their marksmanship, but apparently Iraqis have worse aim than Ted Kennedy approaching a bridge, so we just have to make do with what we've got.
Meanwhile, we'll have 7000 troops with nothing to kill, so we'll need to find something else for them to do until Iran mouths off one time too many.
Here are my suggestions:
* Send them to rescue those seven stranded castaways. It's been 41 years already. Let's bring 'em home.
* Rub salve on Frank J's rash.
* Invade France - one can hold the gun while the other 6999 collect white flags from all the trembling surrender monkeys.
* Since Democrats are all pissed off about wiretapping terrorists, we'll just have the soldiers stand next to the terrorists and eavesdrop, instead.
* Use them to re-connect that loose wire on your computer's motherboard.
* No, wait... that's solders. Nevermind.
* After the '06 elections, the DNC is gonna need some logistical support to deliver their extra supplies of special "weeping hankies".
* Have them walk around New York City and gut-punch every lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastard that went on strike.
* Rebuild the levees in New Orleans.
* Preferably with the bodies of the lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastards that went on strike.
* Get 'em all likkered up & suggest that it might be fun to try pushing the UN Building into the East River... "it'll be sorta like cow tipping!"
* Give them each a pointy stick and have them poke at Howard Dean to see if they can get him to make that funny sound again.
* Give them a Holocaust Cloak and a wheelbarrow and have them storm the castle.
Or maybe we could just buy 'em a beer & send 'em home to spend time with their families.
AFTER they finish with Howard Dean.
Predictions for 2006
What does the future hold for the world in 2006? Some might say - it's like a Christmas present - you'll just have to wait and see.
Thankfully, every year - I peek!!
Just like Christmas presents and national security - it's always good to have a little inside advance information.
I, RightWingDuck, would like to present - My Predictions for 2006.
Nancy Pelosi will elope with Osama Bin Laden. They'll divorce months later when she discovers that he is too "Pro America".
Sean Penn will write a new book called "Little Sean and his friend Abdul". It will be the first pop up book where bits of Abdul get spread all over the room. Of course, it will become a huge hit. Sean will win an Oscar just for his interviews – but will be embarrassed to learn that the academy thought he was "playing retarded".
At a Los Angeles press conference, Ward Churchill will gain new standing in the African American community after announcing that the NAACP has given him an ID card designating him "Black like rice". After the press conference, Mr. Churchill is pulled over by the LAPD and given the initiation ceremony.
Al Sharpton will discover Jesus Christ and become a Baptist minister.
Noam Chomsky will write a new book. It will have 200 pages of the same 3 sentences: Bush Lied. Screw America. America is Evil. It will become a cult classic.
Nancy Pelosi will marry Noam but divorce him a short while later after discovering that he is too "Pro America."
Cindy Sheehan will draw 10,000 people to a protest when she declares: "If Bush doesn't withdraw our troops – I'll set myself on fire." Unfortunately, 9900 of the visitors will bring gasoline and matches.
Camp Casey visitors will mysteriously disappear due to some unknown substance called "Crawford Quicksand"
George Clooney, inspired by the critical acclaim from his Senator Macarthy movie will make a film depicting the plight of the poor 9/11 hijackers. He will then go on a campaign defending the hijackers' families and their right to reclaim the hijackers' frequent flier miles.
Hollywood will launch a new film called Here's Christianity. It will feature three actors defecating on a crucifix for ninety minutes and will be nominated for six Golden Globes. No pork rinds will be served at the theatre for fear of offending Muslims.
After undergoing a lot of scrutiny, UN Secretary Kofi Annan will announce that he will forego his salary from the United Nations and live exclusively on bribes.
The New York Times will merge operations with Al Jazeera. Six months later – problems will emerge when the Times finds Al Jazeera to be too "Pro America."
Hollywood will attempt to appease conservatives with Brokeback Mountain II. The sequel features two sheepherders who fall in love - with the sheep.
Fidel Castro, who mocked Florida Governor Jeb Bush's pudgy physique- will launch a new exercise video. It will feature Fidel doing a stair stepping routine. Unfortunately, Fidel will fall off the stairs and break his other wrist.
Mary Mapes – the disgraced CBS producer involved in the forged National Guard memos- will be fired from her job as a bank teller. "What do you mean those bills were forged?" she'll say. "Has anyone PROVEN that they were from a game of Monopoly?"
New Orleans will flood yet again. This time, FEMA officials will simply give up and arrive with giant sprinklers and water slides.
Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco will write a new book called – Governors Who Cry Too Much.
In preparation for the next flood, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin will introduce a new readiness plan: Buses that are pre-flooded.
California Governor Ahnuld will leave the back biting, back-stabbing world of politics and return to the back biting, back-stabbing world of acting saying – Agents and producers – those people are real.
NBC news ratings will continue to plunge. The network will panic over its sinking ship until it realizes its only in 4 inches of water.
Robert Blake will receive the acting assignment of his dreams with a big dollar payday. The bad news is that he will leave his script behind at the restaurant and the part will go to another actor. The good news is that he'll finally find his gun.
Sesame Street will introduce its first fully rehabilitated character called the Tookie Monster. Two weeks later, Grover and Big Bird will be discovered dead with their bodies horribly mutilated. Police will later find the Tookie Monster passed out next to Mr. Snuffalufagus in a West Oakland crack house.
See, peeking is fun. Will all of this come to pass? Of course it will - try to act surprised.
Late Night With FrankJ
I would just like to state for the record that at no time did FrankJ send coded messages through IMAO to hypnotize SarahK into marrying him and becoming a co-blogger. A restraining order would be completely without merit, and I am glad that the New Jersey judge has finally come to his senses by setting things right and refusing to issue that restraining order.
After much discussion and research, the other co-bloggers of IMAO have detected no sign of code words, gestures and eye expressions in FrankJ's writing, although we assume that his obsession with ninjas, nuking the moon, and monkeys may be the sign of some sort of mistreatment by circus clowns during his upbringing. (But then, who wasn't molested by circus clowns?)
As for the threat to break the legs of any of FrankJ's representatives who attempt to come near her, I'd just like to say that Harvey is expected to be able to walk again after a few months of physical therapy.
December 27, 2005
Ask Dr. Duck- Post Holiday Edition
I hope you enjoyed your holidays. It would be a shame to have people walking around in a bad mood - that's my job!!!
Anyway, it's time for our regular segment called...
Ask Dr. Duck.
I am here to provide spiritual nourishment, intellectual wisdom, and creative ways to use the word "doodie".
What's on your mind?
Post Holiday Blues? Girl/Boy trouble? Relationships? Angry relatives? Rabid weasels clawing at your door?
I can help. I'm certified in most states (okay - it's in landscape design - but I'm certified - okay!!)
What's on YOUR mind.
The Doctor is IN.
December 26, 2005
What IMAO Bonus Prize should I offer?
Hi there. I'm your old friend, Laurence Simon.
But I'm not just one of FrankJ's loyal minions here at IMAO. No, I'm much much more than that.
Some of you folks know that I run a rather sick and twisted blog (among several) called The Dead Pool. Players pick 15 people, famous or infamous, and they score points when those picks die. Until the picks die, well, the players need to blog about their entires (15 picks, 4 blog posts a year... 60 total posts) Prizes are awarded at the end of the year for the most points, but the real fun is in claiming topical bonus prizes for your picks when they croak.
For instance, the first pick to die on a Friday is eligible to fight in the post's comments over a T.G.I Friday's Gift Certificate. Isn't that cute?
Anyway, I've been racking my brains (or braining my rack) trying to come up with a bonus prize that involves giving away an IMAO T-shirt (You know, the ones that the pretty Sarah K.J. Oh-Kay models over there in the right margin). But instead of racking my brains (or brainsing my rack) I figured I'd let y'all suggest the conditions of a bonus prize that would be worthy of one of those shirts.
I'd been thinking on the lines of "Any pick with all of the letters I M A O in their name" but I am sure you can come up with better.
Post your suggestions in the comments, and not only will I add the best bonus prize idea to the Dead Pool, but I'll even buy a shirt for the person who suggested it. How's them apples?
I figure I'll want to post it on December 30th, so you have until December 30th to come up with an idea. Sound good?
(No, I haven't checked with Kevin as to all the legal mumbo-jumbo for this thing, but I'm assuming that in his legal opinion, we're all gay or something.)
Oh, and if you're wondering how I'm paying for all this, well, that makes two of us. Where's my share of the advertising revenue, Frank?
Coffee Card Contest Winner
Okay, in my arrogant opinion, here's the best ideas for the Coffee Card Contest...
3. RightWingConspirator: How about a contest for the best idea for a made up holiday (take THAT, Kwanzaa!)?
2. Sarasmom: How about a description of the most homoerotic thing you had to do to get into a fraternity...
And the winner is...
1. Jenno: Most revolting idea for a coffee flavor.
All excellent ideas, but I think that one is the best idea for a contest. I'll be sending Jenno the code off of the gift card shortly.
Thanks to everyone that participated, and stay tuned next month for yet another pointless contest for your confusion and amusement.
December 25, 2005
Know Your Enemy - Hanukkah
In honor of this being the first day of Hanukkah, I - the Token Jew of IMAO™ - have decided to post the FAQ that I use for when people ask me all sorts of stupid Hanukkah questions:
How is Hanukkah spelled?
Why doesn't Hanukkah start on the same day every year?
What Channukkah music is there to play?
Is (X) Jewish?
Why is the menorah lit at night?
Why are Hanukkah candles sold in boxes of 44?
What's the song that people sing while lighting the candles?
How do you size a yamulke?
What foods are eaten during a Hanukkah celebration?
Is it true that versions of Clue in Israel use a menorah instead of a candlestick?
Is it okay to gamble on which candle goes out first?
Eight reindeer pull Santa's sleigh. What pulls Hanukkah Harry's cart?
What if you blow out the candles before they are done?
Are you supposed to abstain from any particular activities during Hanukkah?
What if the smoke alarm goes off?
In a fight between Aquaman and Hanukkah Harry, who would win?
Why can't I get Hanukah off when my friends get Christmas off?
I've seen electric menorahs. Are they okay to use?
What's the meaning of the Hannukkah bush?
People who celebrate Kwanza also light candles. Is this related to the Hanukkah menorah?
What is the meaning of the four symbols on the dreidel?
What goes "Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns!" ?
What if you live in a neighborhood that prohibits the burning of candles in a menorah?
Why are gifts given on every one of the eight nights of Chanukah?
If Christians have Santa Claus bring gifts, what do Jews have for Chanukkah?
Today is one of the worst days for Technical Support people in the computer industry.
People around the globe, unwrapping their new computers, iPods, cell phones, and other technological marvels will be popping in the batteries or plugging in various connectors only to find out they have absolutely no idea what they're doing.
It gives me chills down my spine. There's no telethon for chills down the spine, is there? I'd be the poster child, standing up on stage with... um... Christopher Lloyd or...um... Rob Schneider. Yeah, any time a movie of his is out, I've got Spine Chill Syndrome. It's not even covered on my lousy insurance plan, either.
So these newbies want to get all their settings on the new computer while getting all their porn copied over and wiped out of the old one so they can give it to the kids (who will probably just fill it with porn all over again).
Or maybe the connector in their iPod is a dud. Not every device that passes the in-factory QC tests keeps their virgin status. So they want to pick up a replacement and... the store's closed.
Don't forget about batteries. It's not that they forgot to include them, but the fact that Mom and Dad or Aunt Rose or Uncle Harry got you the wrong batteries. Leave it to them to convince the museum to hand over the B-sized batteries because they think those are what will power your Robosaurus.
Who do you think they call to complain that the store's closed? You know, because the Technical Support person can have the entire store pages and openup the store for them.
There's always the RTFM issues. Gotta love it when the question is right there boldly featured in the documentation. When the person says they never read the manual, I usually reply I never answer questions that are in the first five pages of it, so turn to page 4 and tell me what you see there.
Did you purchase a sub-500 computer for your kid? It's got a big Celeron or Duron or "Moron Who Fell For The Salesman's Line Of Crap That Crippled Processors Are Good Enough And That Shared Memory Will Run The Latest Games" sticker on it? Why not just put a sticker on it that says "Overclock Me" on the monitor? Kid's going to raid the Tupperware drawer and try to rig up a cooling system using the fishtank pump and the gooey insides of that freezer-pack... and you know that stuff kills dogs and stains the carpet.
Bought it all online and now you're clicking through the interface looking for how to return all that junk? Heh. Heh heh heh. Yeah, call that 800 number for Customer Service. See if they're in. No? Well, I guess you can just bitch at the Technical Support folks long and loud enough, they can magically handle your non-technical issue. Use lots of swear-words too. It excites them.
Oh well. At least there's one bright and shiny thing about this being the worst Technical Support day of the year - now it's India's problem.
The worst day? Well, it's Valentime's Day. Because Technical Support people are lonely, frustrated losers.
Oh, and they're ugly, too.
Merry Christmas, One and All
Merry Christmas and Chappy Chanukah! As a special gift, Lair edited together an IMAO Podcast since SarahK and I are now too busy for you people (so any vulgarity is not SarahK's fault).
Just kidding! We love all our readers and listeners, and you should all expect a super new year from IMAO.
Happy Holidays! (and I'm only saying that because I already said Merry Christmas and don't want to repeat myself - not from some PC reason or anything)
December 24, 2005
Almost done with the podcast. Minor delays due to a family friend drinking himself into terminal liver failure over the past year and a half.
I just need to mix in seven more music clips.
Ooooh! And a frying pan *thang* sound!
Sorry, folks, but Christmas is cancelled.
A fifty-foot mutant cat grabbed Santa Claus and is tearing him to bits:
I guess some good can come out of this... at least you can tell your kids that Santa Claus exists.
I'm Back, Yo
Back from the cruise (which kicked pinky-toe) just in time for Christmas (and the cats didn't knock over the tree again). Haven't had time to sort things out at the blog, but I think I might have to put a ban on imitating me. Just of note, only one post was actually me over the last week, and I think it's pretty obvious which one.
Now I have a week holiday at home before heading back to work and a few hundred e-mails to now sort through. But I did have a few post inspirations while away. Hopefull I can remember them.
So, did Lair ever get that podcast together or do I need a new Jew?
December 23, 2005
Not Really in Frank's World: The War on Christmas Part II
"But Santa," the little boy asked innocently, "shouldn't you be saying, 'Merry Christmas'?"
"Oh, ignorant little brat, er, I mean, precious child, that might offend the five per cent of the population who don't celebrate that particular holiday."
"But, Santa, that's bulls***!"
"My! You sure do have a filthy mouth, little boy," Santa observed.
"That's because I'm not a little boy; I'm..." the "boy" said, removing his disguise, "I'm... RUMMY!!!"
Then the young mother's baby carriage exploded into a million pieces, and emerging from the wreckage was none other than Chomps the World's Angriest Dog!
"Oh, my goodness!" the young mother exclaimed. "Then who is..."
"It is I! Alberto Gonzales! Ju stoopid gringo!" said the Attorney General, removing his fuchsia jumper. "Now lemme defend Navidad, or I'll cut ju."
"I thought my kids looked a little bigger," the young mother said. "But if you're here, where are my children?"
"Oh, they're in an undisclosed location," explained Rummy.
* * * *
"Hey, Mister Vice President? Do ya wanna play hangman?" the actual little boy asked.
"Go f*** yourself, kid. Oh, and Merry Christmas," Cheney replied.
* * * *
"Condi, are we there yet?" President Bush whined. "I feel sick."
"It's your own fault," Condi scolded, "Your helicopter isn't built to hold two people, and that's why you're on the roof."
"Aw, dang it!"
"Hold on! We're heading in for a bumpy landing!!!"
* * * *
A loud whirring noise filled the mall.
"What's that?!" Santa yelled.
The glass ceiling shattered (literally, not metaphorically; women's wages continued to be suppressed just as they should be) as Condi smashed the helicopter on through.
Bush picked the shards out of his hair and the bugs out of his teeth and then leapt off of the helicopter and into the mall fountain.
"All right, now what's all this nonsense about 'holiday' this, and 'diversity' that?" Condi demanded. "Well, Fat Man? Talk!"
"First off, I have a gland problem," Santa retorted. "Secondly, I'm not really Santa; I'm..."
"Hey, that's my line," Rummy asserted.
"Aquaman! It figures that some one as totally lame as you would try to destroy Christmas," Bush said whilst shaking the water out of his ear.
"Yes, and with the help of my fish friends, no-one will be able to stop my reign of secular terror!" Aquaman cackled.
"You moron, we're landlocked; there aren't any fish for miles!" Bush corrected.
"Nu-uh! The aquarium is right across the way! Aqua friends, attack!"
Just then, schools of goldfish, guppies, plankton and even a rare spotted turd snail swarmed the President within seconds, prompting Chomps to act. He lunged at the sea life, devouring the creatures in a single loud gulp.
"Thanks, Chomps!" Bush said, "Hey! Where's my watch?"
"Now, as for you, Aquaman," Rummy began, "I think that we have a special punishment in store for you..."
"No! Think of the Geneva Convention! For the love of God!" Aquaman begged.
"Poppycock," Rummy scoffed, "and I thought that 'God' was verboten?"
"Hey, what say we gut this gringo pescado-hombre and get on home, Holmes?" Gonzales suggested.
"Nah, it's Christmas. We ought to be more charitable..." Rummy replied.
* * * *
The President and the First Family were opening their gifts on Christmas morn:
"George, thank you for the lovely jewellery, but how were you able to afford it?" Laura asked.
"Afford? Why, Sweetheart, haven't you ever heard of a five-finger discount?"
"What?" the First Lady responded, her tone flattening. "Did that war whore help you shoplift for Christmas again?"
"No, of course not!" Bush defended, "Girls, do you like your mall security guard uniforms?"
"Yes, Daddy!" Barbara and Jenna answered enthusiastically.
"And I just love my new watch! I... misplaced the old one." Bush fibbed. "I wonder what ol' Rummy and the gang did with Aquaman?" he thought.
* * * *
"Welcome to the Museum of Tolerance!" the Quaaludes-popping tour guide exclaimed. "First, we'll begin with our Aquarium of the Rainbow, which features fish of every colour, creed and life-style. Children, please say hello to our newest addition, Aquaman!"
"Hello, Aquaman!" the children said in unison.
"Please help me!" Aquaman screamed, "The blowfish have been more than living up to their name! Please don't leave me with the pufferfish for another minute!"
"Oh, look at how he frolics, children!"
Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Happy Festivus!
Top Ten Milwaukee Slogans
ABC news is reporting that a group in Wisonsin is trying to make their city more appealing by moving the city thermometer to a warmer area.
I say - good for them. Perception is 9/10 of marketing! With that in mind - I put my super powers (the ability to waste time on trivial items) to the test and came up with...
The Top City Slogans to Make Milwaukee Feel Warmer.
10. Undergarments are sexier when they’re battery powered.
9. Ice Sculpture: it isn’t just for summer.
8. Outdoor – schmoutdoors.
7. Every Monday is a snow day.
6. Jack Frost is ready to nibble your nose.
5. Shoveling is good exercise.
4. Yes, but have you ever felt a witch’s teet?
3. Cold: it preserves better than Botox.
2. Pay only $ 149,000 for a 3 bedroom, two bath igloo!
Christmas Coffee Card Contest
I recently bought an Elvis Presley Coffee Sampler Pack thingy from Ugly Mug Coffee.
In addition to four different kinds of Elvis coffee (none of which were Peanut Butter And Banana Sandwich), I also got a gift card for $5 off of Ugly Mug Coffee.
Well, what did you expect? A gift card for Victoria's Secret? Well, their bras do make good coffee filters...
Anyway, The card's got an offer code on it, which means it's easily typed in and sent around the world in some kind of code-smuggling operation you've only dreamed about turning into a big-budget Hollywood movie.
FRANKJ: "Have you got the code?"
I figured I'd offer the card up as some kind of prize for a contest, but I can't think of a good contest for the card.
So, the contest is going to be the best idea for a contest in which to give away this card. Come up with the best idea for a contest to give this card away, and you win the card. Put your suggestions in the comments.
(Try to use your email address when submitting the comment. Because if you win and I reply to your entry only to get a bounced message alert, I'm moving on to the next place winner.)
If this contest is void where prohibited by law, I encourage you to engage in an armed revolt against the repressive anti-democratic and anti-capitalist government that prohibits you from participating in the contest. You may not survive the revolution, but you will be seen as a hero, martyr, and t-shirt icon for generations to come.
Oh, and Spacemonkey isn't allowed to win this contest. Because, well, he's Spacemonkey. Spacemonkey's never allowed to win.
The United Nation's FAQ
According to Michelle Malkin's recent post, the United Nations has not been very open in telling the public how the Tsunami Funds are being used.
Normally, I agree with Michelle on a lot of things, but in this case IMAO has once again trumped a real world "journalist"
By going to the United Nations FAQ I was able to get the answers that Michelle was too lazy (probably because she works 60 hours a week) to get on her own.
THE UNITED NATIONS FAQ ON TSUNAMI RELIEF FUNDS.
United Nations FAQ
Q: Can I really get information from the UN detailing how our hard earned money was spend on those poor victims of the tsunami?
A: Of course, the United Nations is committed to ensuring complete transparency. We do not even want to give the appearance of anything inappropriate. Our books are wide open for the general public to view.
Q: That’s great. I love the UN. So, how was my donation spent?
A: None of your damn business.
Q: Pardon me?
A: Our apologies. Sometimes we spend so much time around here just keeping track of the kids we sometimes get a short temper. Hold on, on second: KOJO – YOU GET THAT MERCEDES BENZ OUT OF THE HANDICAPPED PARKING. YOU KNOW THAT’S RESERVED FOR POOR, INJURED PALESTINIANS. Thank you for your patience. What was your question?
Q: I donated a lot of money for the victims of the tsunami. How was it spent?
A.: None of your damn business.
Q:Are you sure that you're using that money to benefit the victims.
A: Well, it depends on how you define "victim". Besides, we're pretty sure it's doing some good, wherever that money is going.
Q: Are you telling me that nobody there knows what’s going on?
A: I think we have an accountant somewhere. We’ll have to ask one of the interpreters.
Q: You don’t know? Do you understand the meaning of the word HONESTY?
A: We’ll have to ask one of the interpreters.
Q: Besides the money, what else have you done in the areas ravaged by the tsunami?
A.We like it when people change the subject. We’ve done a lot of good in these areas. For example, in Thailand, with the help of the generous donations by Americans, we’ve been able to establish centers that not only help feed the poor – but helps them defend themselves against evil influences.
Q: What evil influences are those?
Q: What do you mean evil? We gave you tons and tons of money.
A: That has yet to be proven! Can you show us where all of this alleged money is?
Q: Yes, we gave you craploads of money. You should have record of it in your accounting department. Ask THEM, they’ll tell you.
A. I’m sorry. That department is none of your damn business.
Thanks for visiting the UN webpage. Make sure you stop by the donation page. Every dollar makes a difference.
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Today, it's Piper the Bizarre...
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
I've been mega dittoed.
You all know that I am a huge Rush Limbaugh fan, and my greatest dream is for him to plug the imao.us website and the imaudio podcast on his show. Well, last week I called in to get on the air again. While chitchatting with call screener Snerdly, I mentioned that I'd be going on a Caribbean cruise for my honeymoon and would be stopping for an afternoon in Cozumel. Snerdly told me that there wouldn't be time for me to get on the air that day, but if I left my cell number maybe he could call me the next day to get me on the show. I readily gave over the digits, hung up and expected to hear back from him the next day around 10 a.m. (R.L.'s showtime). Instead, my cell phone rang THAT EVENING, and, strangely, the caller i.d. showed "R. LIMBAU" (What? No 'gh'?). I wet my pants (which really made my rash sting), picked it up, and who should it be but El Rushbo himself! Rush told me that he was a big fan of my website and podcast (practically addicted to them I believe he said) and chit-chatted for 10 minutes or so about the wedding. Then Rush asked if I could pick up a package for him in Cozumel. He promised that if I could do this small favor for him, he would put a free banner link to imao.us on his webpage and give us free plugs over the next few weeks. I was floored that such a great opportunity had come my way, and told him I was more than happy to do it for him.
Anyway, Wednesday rolls around and the ship docks in Cozumel. I go ashore and find the the backstreet pharmacy that Rush told me about. I told the clerk that I was there to pick up "Mr. L's" package, handed over the heavy envelope Rush had FedEx'd me, and took a satchel filled with a couple dozen bottles of vitamins. When I got back to the ship, I threw the satchel into my suitcase and promptly forgot all about it.
So here I sit in the internet cafe at the Brevard County Jail, waiting to be arraigned, completely innocent of all charges. I expect to be released shortly. If not, I expect a huge 'Free Frank J." protest to be organized by noon. Till then, I'm going to practice singing some Johnny Cash songs. It's karaoke night in the prison cafeteria tonight.
UPDATE: Now available in the IMAO store . . .
December 22, 2005
Carnival Of Comedy #34
Since I'm stuck on a boat with the lovely, though talkative (very very talkative), SarahK, and have nothing to do, I figured I would host the Carnival of Comedy this week. I may have cruising on the brain due to the surroundings, but in going through the submissions this week it struck me that they fall into categories that closely parallel the characters of the 1970s show the Love Boat. So, without further ado, let the carnival begin!
Carnival, exciting and new
The Carnival soon will be making another run
And laughs won't hurt anymore
--Bartender Isaac Washington--
Damian G. at Conservathink presents Iranian President bans Western music; cites "phat beats" as evidence of vast Zionist conspiracy. [the headline made me LOL, which isn't easy]
Mr. Right at The Right Place presents Captions Outrageous! Winners [Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel Edition]
Damian G. at Conservathink presents Dr. Germ and Mrs. Anthrax to wed in quiet civil ceremony.
--Yeoman-Purser Burl 'Gopher' Smith--
--Doctor Adam Bricker--
--Captain Merrill Stubing--
Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face presents TNOYF's Guide To Dealing With Your Family During Christmas: Part I
--Cruise Director Julie McCoy--
Anyway, that is all the links for this week. Happy sailing, I've got to go put salve on my open sores. And if I happened to hurt your feelings, please send angry emails and death threats to email@example.com.
Robert Byrd: Senator, Kleagle, Homosexual?
In a recent Senate debate, Sen. Robert Byrd (Crotchety Old Coot-WV) took a position on Arctic oil drilling clashing with that of Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK).
Here is what he said:
"I love him," Byrd finished, "But I love the Senate more."
He then added, "But I don't love that n***** from Illinois. He can go hang himself."
A Congressional aide then emptied Sen. Byrd's colostomy bag and lulled him to sleep.
Not Really in Frank's World: The War on Christmas
President Bush was in sitting in the Oval Office in his PJs, posting on his blog...
"And... that's... why... all... lib'ruls... suck... Save!"
Just then, a very pleased Karl Rove emerged from the shadows.
"Karl? I thought that you were indicted and stuff. I even turned your office into a playroom for Barney!"
"Yes, I know; I discovered an early Christmas gift in my inbox this morning."
"You can't say that!" the President gasped. "It's not politically correct!"
Just then, Bush's face was met by a swift back-hand.
"That only hippies and college professors pay it any mind?"
"Exactly. Now come on, we have to go fight the War on Christmas!"
"But I thought that Christmas was good!" Bush said before being slapped again.
"No, the war was started by left-wing zealots and big retail merchants; we're defending Christmas."
"Oh, all right. Let's go!"
"And put on something first. That Curious George pattern doesn't really become you."
"Aw, you're no fun," Bush griped.
* * * *
The President, the Secretary of State and Karl Rove waited at the landing pad.
"I think you'll like my new helicopter," boasted Bush. "It's radio-controlled, and it makes five different weapon sounds!"
"Yes, but does it actually fire weapons, per se?" asked Condi sceptically.
"Do malted milkball machine guns count?"
"Dooooom!!!" Karl Rove bellowed.
Just then, a thunderous crash filled the area with dust and débris.
"A perfect landing!" Bush stated proudly.
"I'm flying," said Condi.
* * * *
"Look, children! It's Santa!" said a young mother with several younglings in tow.
"Ho, ho, ho! Happy holidays! Come and tell Santa what you want for the religious celebration of your choice," St. Nick declared.
"Something's not right..." the young mother said to herself.
It's just right around the corner...
Okay, so I've got the IMAO podcast laid out and ready for the final step of putting in the music and sound effects, which I think I'll finish when I get home tonight.
At least I hope I'll finish it tonight. There's always the possibility that I'll be attacked by ninja. Or monkeys.
In the meantime, you might be interested in A Podcast Christmas Carol. C-Dogg (Chris Doelle) got a bunch of podcasters together to build this one.
(The script had been written long before I was asked to participate, so it was a bit too late to rewrite the Ghost Of Christmas Past to consist of only 100 words. Or include a shameless plug for IMAO.)
Well, the BEagle 2 may have been found...
The British scientist behind the lost 2003 Beagle 2 mission to Mars said on Tuesday the craft may have been spotted in NASA pictures which indicate the project very nearly worked.
I've been silent all this time, but the time has come to reveal that I know what happened.
To name a space-faring exploration robot after the man who formulated the theory of Evolution was just tempting the wrath of The Flying Spaghetti Monster.
His noodly appendages must have knocked the heathen vessel off-course or something.
There. I've finally said it.
Pass the Parmesan cheese.
Poll: Should Bush Be Impeached? H E Double Hockey Sticks, NO!
Saw this was linked to by a slew of left wing blogs and I thought it my duty as keeper of the keys to IMAO.US to sound the call out to the conservative side of the 'sphere. So if you hear something, that's me calling.
Look how the moonbat left is doing! And look how MSNBC divided the "No' side into two answers in a vain attempt to divide and conquer us. Hmm, good thing there's no media bias. Or there'd just be three different ways to say "Yes' and an "I'm an idiot opton."
So vote your conscience and by that I mean vote for the one that makes Bush look the best.
I can't believe my honeymoon is turning out to be worst time of my life. I mean, I'm married, and that's good: my lovely wife and I love each other very much. First I had sea sickness, then food poisoning, then this rash - which is getting worse but the cream helps. (I'm covered in this white goop). Now the honeymoon has taken another turn.
I just got back from the ship's security office and I have to say that it wasn't my fault. At least, most of it wasn't.
Here's what happened.
I woke up today feeling awful. My stomach is much better, but my rash was even worse than before. The lower half of my body is completely red – which is a vast improvement – before it was completely blue. Have I told you how great marital sex is? It's great!
Anyway, the lovely wife and I decided to go topside. SarahK has enjoyed our vacation very much.
I was still a bit woozy from the food poisoning, and the lack of sleep, so when I got up, I lost my balance a bit. At this point, I bumped into one of the employees wearing a Disney costume – the big bear from Jungle Book – what's his name – Balloo? Well, I didn't just bump into him, I guess I hit him at just the right angle because the poor guy stumbled right into the kiddie pool. Good thing it was only 2 feet deep.
Except for the guy in the bear costume. He was pretty angry, I mean, he was screaming and cursin' up a storm. Being at sea, you'd figure Disney would make those things pretty waterproof, wouldn't you? So security was there a few seconds later and they help him climb out. They're questioning me asking me why I did it. I can't believe they're serious. I try to lighten the mood and joke with them saying "Hey, I got nothing against bears. It's those damn monkeys that I can't stand." The bear keeps cursing up a storm and takes his bear head off.
It's a black guy.
I don't think he understood my monkey comment. I don't think that security did either.
So the three security agents took me downstairs and we had a short talk. I guess at this point I might mention that I was wearing my Nuke The Moon T-shirt. That took a lot of explaining, because as luck would have it, I'm being held by the handful of people (I think there's like a dozn total) on the planet that don't read IMAO.
After about 20 minutes the Captain shows up. He was an older guy, with very tanned skin and an understanding demeanor.
After a while, they started to come around – I think mostly because they liked SarahK and figured that I couldn't be TOTALLY crazy. After about 30 minutes of reassurances they let us go back to our cabin but warned us that they'd be by soon to ask a few last questions.
Okay, here's where the stuff starts to get a bit more personal. SarahK and I have been trying to "spend time" together. Anyway, after waiting an hour we figured, "Hey, they forgot about us – now it's time for some Marital Bliss. " Harvey and his wife sent us these neat costumes. Mine is Captain Hook, SarahK has Tinkerbell.
WHAT? It's perfectly normal. Besides, it's a Disney Cruise. People expect it of you. Sneaking the hook onto the ship was easy. Security saw it on the x-ray machine and asked me what it was. I told them it was for religious purposes. You can carry anything for religious purposes – anything of course except a crucifix. Anway, we put on the costumes and I had my Pirate Evil laugh going while I bellowed "I'm going to get you if it's the last thing I do."I even had the Hook swinging, when there was a knock on the door. I went to open it.
It was security. Nothing impresses them more than I guy with a bunch of blisters on his face, covered with cream, wearing a big shiny hook over his hand.
This time, I was at the security office for 3 hours.
The Real Frank J.
May I have your attention please?
I don't know who that imposter below is. Anyone who thinks I didn't get food poisoning, then get sea lice, then have a run in with a PC-crazed Disney corp., then see a UFO, then get into half a dozen other scrapes I haven't posted about yet needs to get a clue. And by the way, pay no attention to the men behind the curtain . . .
December 21, 2005
Note to IMAO Bloggers from the Real Frank J.
Last thing you want to have during your honeymoon cruise is a call from your mother worrying about your rash and then have to make a $14 phone call back (it's $6.95 a minute) to explain you are all right and one blogger loves to photoshop things. After a quick look at what's happened to IMAO in my absence (this is costing me $0.75) someone (Kevin, presumably) has been falsely posting as me again. I guess I'll deduct the phonecall from his ad revenue share (I hope it was worth it!).
Anyway, other than that, it's been a dream vacation and I still have two full days left (I get back Saturday morning). See you all then and punishment will be dealt.
Be honorable, ronin.
P.S. Was a guest blogger approved in my absence? Rarr!
The Truth About Iran
Showing less self-control than a Democratic Underground troll hopped up on Red Bull and commenting at Free Republic, the President of Iran has recently made foolish statements such as "Israel should be wiped off the map", "the Holocaust never happened", and "developing a nuclear weapons program within flying distance of the Israeli Air Force is perfectly sensible".
To regain his credibility as "sane" in international diplomatic circles, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad decided to publish a pamphlet of interesting facts about Iran. Even though I can't read the drunken-monkey-fingerpainting that passes for their written language, I'm sure that my translation is at least as accurate as any given CBS news report.
* Iran is a large, Middle Eastern country covering 600,000 square miles of territory just east of Iraq that REALLY needs to get beat up and have its oil stolen.
* Iran was originally settled by a busload of people who got lost on their way to a 7-11 Owners' Convention.
* Iran is ruled by the "Council of Guardians" who strictly enforce the Koran's edicts all across the land. Living in Iran is like the Muslim version of living at Ned Flanders' house.
* I guess that would make the US troops in Iraq like Homer Simpson.
* Mmmm... infidelicious...
* The Iran-Iraq border is still littered with land mines from the Iran-Iraq war. If you need to sneak across the border, bring a Mexican to show you how to do it right.
* Before the founding of the Muslim empire in the region in 700 AD, there used to be two other countries between Iran and Iraq - namely Irao and Irap.
* For 8 years, Iran battled Iraq to a standstill, a feat that the Americans were unable to duplicate for almost an entire day during the Gulf War.
* If something smells like the back end of a camel, it could be the front end of an Iranian.
* Although some people - mostly filthy hippies - say that Iran is no threat to us, I still find it suspicious that their initials stand for Islamic Radicals Aren't Nice.
* Soon to stand for Idiots Receive American Nuking.
* In a battle between Iraq and Aquaman, Aquaman would raise an army of jellyfish and... right... who am I kidding? The Iranians would chop him into lutefisk before he even hit the beach.
* Iran's national symbol is:
I have NO idea... a pole-dancing penguin wearing a Mario moustache, maybe?
Hopefully this information will encourage understanding and dialogue between our two nations, ushering in an era of peace that will last for centuries or until we finish stealing their oil.
Yea! I get to guest post!
This is Damian G. of Conservathink,
First off, I'd like to thank the Academy for this honour, but mostly, I'd like to thank Kevin (a.k.a. Cadet Happy) who allowed me the opportunity to pollute Frank's blog with my filth.
Anyhoo, it's getting late, and as we all know, the zombie monkeys come out at night to feast.
Carnival Of Comedy #34 Reminder
It's going to be hosted here at IMAO for a change. Cadet Happy is the scheduled host and he said he had some sort of a surpirse for us.
Speaking of surprises, what's the deal with all the posting by Mr. Honeymooner? Aren't there other, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, things to do on your honeymoon? Sheesh.
Well, at least he hasn't complained about the logos, course maybe he hasn't noticed the logos, what with all the honemoon activity. But, I'd hate to think I had abused the trust of someone like Mr J.
What the frick-n-frack was that?
My lovely bride, you know the one, and I were on deck this morning after breakfast (Went down, stayed down! Yay!), taking in the Carribean view. We were tired out from our excursion in Cozumel yesterday (I'll post more on that later--nothing too eventful occurred, thankfully) and we just wanted some quiet time to relax. We were on the left side of the ship (port side?) and I think we were facing a generally south/southeast direction. We were standing there cuddling and staring out in the distance, wondering if my money was going to last to the end of the trip (that's what I was thinking anyway), I glimpsed something out of the corner of my eye (lasting about a 1/10th of a second). At first, I just thought it was a stupid gull or something, but my mind told me it was something else, some distance away. I listen to my mind usually, so I turned my head to look for the object and I barely caught a flashing glimpse of it about 1500 yards away, moving away from us. Suddenly, it changed direction and was moving at what seemed like an enormous rate of speed parallel to the ship and about 20 degrees off the horizon. We observed the object this time for about 2 seconds as it whizzed by and dissapeared out of sight. I grabbed my camera, and as I waited patiently for it to boot up, I saw the object moving back into sight heading down its original course (from my left, heading to my right). I knew I could not point and shoot at the object because my camera could never function that quickly, so in a purely reflexive manner, I tried to make sure I could get a broad field of view and pushed the shutter button as many times as possible with the object hopefully in the len 's view before it disappeared for a second time. I clicked the button two or three times before the object disappeared. We waited for 5 awkward minutes, but the object did not re-appear.
Not that this keeps me from being angry at Disney.
I want to believe, ronin?
Well, in the spirit of Christmas, let's look at a Scrooge in the Holy Land, shall me?
Palestinian negotiator Saeb Erekat said he sent several letters to the Israelis seeking coordination on Jerusalem balloting, but hasn't received any response.
Oh, those mean and nasty Jews, keeping the Palestinians from freedom and emocracy and their legal rights to vote and...
Wait. Under the Oslo Accords that set up the Palestinian Authority, voting and campaigning within Jerusalem (East, West, or Eternally Indivisible) in Palestinian Elections is strictly prohibited.
For someone that screams violations of International Law like Matt Damn screaming "Ben! Ben! Ben!" in the Honeymoon Suite, he sure doesn't know much about it or the documents he's signed.
This would be about as insane as the United States allowing Mexican Consulates to act as polling stations for illegal aliens, and then telling all law enforcement agencies that it's more important to respect Mexican sovereignty to allow free passage to the polling places by law-breaking illegal aliens than, say, their inherent disrespect for our sovereignty by being here undocumented in the first place.
Let's look at it from anoter perspective, shall we? You see, I live in Houston. And I'm somewhat of an Astros fan. I lived through the Scott Boras/Carlos Beltran foot-dragging bait-and-switch saga last year, with Beltran ultimately languishing at the Mets for an extra million or so while the crowd booed him into an early exit in September.
Hope it was worth it, Carlos. Willy T.'s doing great down here. Second-place Rookie Of The Year in the patch of grass you abandoned for the Transit Center Strike City. Thanks for asking.
It's kinda sad that Saeb Erekat is wasting him time for a losing terrorist cause. So much talent at deception and propaganda and demonizing of the opposition instead of sitting down and actually working out differences while representing his clients, he'd have made one hell of a sports talent agent.
December 20, 2005
Happy Holidays, My Pinky Toe
Things have been pretty great on the honeymoon, if you discount all the puking, itching and burning and other itches which have not been getting the attention they need because of the puking itching and burning.
When I say things have been pretty great on the honeymoon, I mean for the most part, everybody on a cruise is genereally in a fairly good mood, assuming no ninja monkey attacks occur. I wasn't allowed to bring any guns or knives or swords on board. So to defend myself and my honey bunny snoogy woogums, the lovely and talented Sarahk Fle- Hah! you monkey ninjas thought I was going to reveal my last name and the source of all my power! HAH NEVER!, ahem. Anyway, to protect us I will have to use the most dangerous weapon I own, the one they can't take away, my mind. I was told by the snippy "security" types I would get all my weapons back when we return to port. So while we are at sea, I will have to use my mind to defeat the ninja monkeys should they attack. Nobody else ever expects them. I always do.
They took my guns etc but they can't take my mind away , but I swear I think somebody is trying to make me lose it, instead. Being the religious Christian types we are, Sarahk and I have been saying merry Christmas when people wish us happy holidays or season's greeting or whatever else. Some smile and nod, others have just sort of stared at us and froze up like we'd cast an 'Immobulus' spell on them. This was especially true of the Disney crew. We thought it was odd. Then, ths morning we find this that someone slid under the door of our stateroom.
[I had a photo of this but looked like crap so I typed it in]
Disney Cruise Guests
Well, Happy Holicraptacular to you Disney! or Should I say DEM-sney. What kind of leftwing liberal PC muckadoo mindscramble is this? Telling us we can say EVERY possible holiday greeting imaginable EXCEPT for Merry Christmas?
What the freak?
You know what? We've wished everyone we've run into a very merry Christmas ever since we got this piece of trash under the door. See how you like them greetings, Chairman Mouse.
With the way things were going I thought I would get a nasty sunburn to be the red to go with my nausea green. But it turned out to just be anti-muckadoo anger that has really chafed my butt, other than the see lice. GRRRRRRRR!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, Ronin.
Evidence that Saddam's capture was staged?
Captured in a spiderhole by the Marines? Hah! Shows how much you know!
In a newspaper interview, Saddam Hussein revealed his bold escape plan:
"Saddam hoped to emerge unnoticed in nearby bushes — before staging a Steve McQueen-type great escape riding a motorcycle."
That's right. Saddam Hussein was, in fact, legendary Arab motorcycle daredevil "Axis Of Evil" Knievel, famous for successfully jumping the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers in the 1412 Ramadan holiday special.
His identity was kept secret until now, although many suspected he was Saddam Hussein when in an interview he said: "How many bones have I broken? I've lost count... probably hundreds of thousands."
He had planned on performing one more stunt to wow his insurgent followers in his hometown, but in his mad dash two years ago to get out of Tikrit he was thwarted by getting his Iraqi flag cape snagged in the spokes of the back wheel.
IMAO Banner Image Comments
To my knowledge, Frank J. has never had a Christmas themed banner before. Of course, he's never had cobloggers or left somebody like me with admin. rights at Christmas either. So, I thought a seasonal modification would add some visual festivity. I know, some IMAO purists will say the NTM-IMAO banner is sacrosanct, but I think an insane snowman wielding a ninja sword is in keeping with the spirit of both the season and IMAO.
Thanks to Cadet Happy for making the image pretty close to spec. Snow on the letters might have been overkill anyway.
December 19, 2005
Good news! Not quite as pukey today!
Our ship docked in Key West today, so the lovely and talented Sarahk and I decided to take in the sights of the "Conch Republic" (pronounced 'KWEER-VILLE').
After forcing down some lunch, my stomach hasn't entirely recovered yet, we decided to split up for the afternoon. Sarahk would get a massage at a local spa while I joined a small group on a snorkeling expedition. As it turned out, I should have opted for a facial. The snorkeling itself was great (I will post some pictures from my disposable underwater camera when I get the film developed)--it was only after we returned to the ship that the unpleasentness began.
PS: Sarahk got slightly over-exfoliated at the spa. STOP SPENDING ALL MY MONEY, WOMAN! I mean, the poor baby.
PPS: The swelling that went with the rash is quite impressive! But sorry ladies and 'Conchish' guys, there won't be any photos of that, at least none I'm sharing with you ronin. But I will share a pic of the rash--not for the faint of heart . . .
In Other News, Pope: Catholic and Ted Kennedy: Drunk
I'd have thought the idea that the Media was biased to the left was fairly obvious(except to the Left who call it the SCLM or 'So-Called Liberal Media") but some eggheads did a study to see if it was anyway.
And it is. Color me shocked. Whatever color that might happen to be.
Ronin Thought of the Day
"To retreat before victory would be an act of recklessness and dishonor, and I will not allow it."
The true samaurai knows that quitting is only winning if you define victory as being a loser. Those advocating "cut and run" should 'cut' open their own bowels and let them 'run' out onto the ground.
Death before dishonor!
Time - People of the Year
I'd like to take a moment to congratulate the winners of Time's Person of the Year Award: Rock Star Bono, and Bill and Melinda Gates.
Mr. Bono has worked tirelessly to help clear up Africa's MasterCard bill.
Mr. Gates has worked tirelessly to ensure that my current version of Windows functions well, and that it will function even better with the next version for just $59.95.
And, of course, Mrs. Gates bakes a mean apple strudel.
Congratulations to you all.
Your certificate of appreciation is in the mail.
Out of curiouslity - not to say these people were not worthy - but is there anyone you feel would have made a better choice?
Post in comments - unless Windows crashes.
Where's the IMAO
That's right, folks. You thought we were just going to twiddle our thumbs while Frank and Sarah were on their honeymoon cruise with Donald and Goofy and Isaac the Bartender.
You were wrong. So very wrong.
Just like other essential services, such as hospitals and Honey Baked Ham franchises, we Jews are well known for manning the phones and reception desks so you Christians can go celebrate your hand-me-down altered Pagan mass over-commercialized present-exchange celebration of Jesus' birth. (Whom we didn't kill, darn it!)
The same goes for the IMAO podcast, although I don't think there's anything about going off to sip Mai Tais on the Princess Jasmine Deck with The Seven Dwarves in any of the Gopsels. (I think Matthew said something about them, but my Book ends at Malachi for some weird reason.)
So, I slapped together a last minute script, twisted a few arms, kept Ducky's insulin out of reach until he cried Uncle, and it looks like we're a go.
Now, I'm not one to brag or voluntarily participate in criminal conspiracies for less than 40% of the take, but it's going to be a podcast you can gather the whole family around the fire for. Ever year, you'll play it over and over like "The ACLU Lawyer Who Stole Christmas" or "We're Out Of X-Box 360s, Charlie Brown" or "I Didn't Kill Those People I Murdered" with Tookie Williams.
Or is it Brian Williams of NBC?
So let the sugar-plums dance in your heads, tuck yourselves in tight, and please be patient. Despite having recorded 286 of my own 100 word stories, this is the first itme I've actually mixed a podcast together.
Production values? Isn't that a platform of the Green Party or something?
Now where's the button in Audacity for a star-wipe...
I guess I should continue my campaign of shameless self-promotion by plugging the latest Shire Network News podcast, which includes a segment where I've read aloud the shametful truth about the Holocaust segment you read here a few days ago (which Jay Tea will probably accuse me of lifting from one of his own posts).
SNN is also calling for contributions of Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, and any other holiday greetings.
Remember... in the event of a catastrophic failure of IMAO's Token Jew, another will be provided to IMAO by the Global Zionist Conspiracy.
December 18, 2005
Sorry For The Light Posting . . .
. . . but this is where I've been spending all my time during my honeymoon . . .
No, not for THAT reason. Sadly, and I do mean SADLY! Since leaving port yesterday, I've had near constant sea sickness. I get motion sickness from riding the merry-go-round, so I'm not particularly surprised. In addition to the motion of the ocean, I the mighty Frank J may have been felled by some sushi I had for dinner last night in one of the ship restaurants . . .this stuff may not be fully cooked!
It was delicious (the first time I tasted it anyway). I've left the content of my stomach on three separate decks so far. SarahK wouldn't even hold my hair! Said the she was afraid of the domino puke effect and I was a 'mighty sicky Mr. Wonderpuke" [Sigh] Married bliss. I'm green, so all I need now is a killer sunburn and I'll look like a something something Christmas ornament.
Be honorable roni--BLAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
this explains a lot . . .
**bears and packer fans should appreciate this (i would say lions fans as well, but i'm not sure if there actually are any out there)**
A stroke of genius
Any word from "Chief Palestinian Negotiator" Saeb Erekat yet about Ariel Sharon's recent stroke?
I'm assuming he'll say something like:
"We condemn the unilateral withdrawal of bloodflow from Ariel Sharon's brain as an aggressive and hostile act by Israel. Any withdrawal of bloodflow from his brain MUST be negotiated with the Palestinians!"
All I can say is thank God Shimon Peres quit the government when he did.
Good luck, Ehud Olmert!
One of the many reasons to hate Canada
Did you know that Wayne Gretzky once tried to copyright the number 99?
Imagine, having to pay a buck Gretzky for that Big Mac, or hearing "Gretzky Luftballoons" over the radio.
Madness, I tell you.
Totally natural. No assists.
Exploiting your attention
Now that Frank and Sarah are out of the picture for a while, I guess this is the perfect time for all of us to shamelessly plug all of our other projects besides IMAO.
For instance, I'm working on a project called davidcopperfield.isfullofcrap.com because there's nobody in the world more full of crap than David Copperfield.
Man, someone ought to slap that guy.
Maybe I should register oughttobeslapped.com.
December 17, 2005
Spacemonkey Running The Show Plus PJM Ads!
I've been left with the keys to the IMAO kingdom. I hope I don't mess anything up too bad.
My main task Frank left me with was to set up the Pajamas Media Ads on IMAO. Things look like they are set up ok but let me know if the blog acts skwonky.
I wonder what else I could get away with...
On the High Seas
I set sail today on my honeymoon with my wife, the lovely and talented SarahK. The ship has a business center with limited internet access, so, if you are lucky, I will be able to post some of my brilliance for you periodically. I have a bunch of pictures already, but only have time to post this one now--our ship docked and waiting for us to come aboard.
Hopefully, we won't encounter any of that sickening Disney liberal tolerance you always hear so much about. Till later, ronin.
December 16, 2005
How Evil Glenn Stole The Christmas Assignment
...for what's in the extended entry...
Every blogger In the blogosphere Liked the Alliance a lot...
But Evil Glenn,
Evil Glenn hated the Alliance!
"And this new assignment" he snarled with a sneer.
...All the bloggers would rise
Then the bloggers, young and old, would sit down to post.
They'd ping! And they'd ping!
Then he got an idea!
"I know just what to do!" Evil Glenn laughed in his throat.
"All I need is a T-shirt babe..."
Then Evil Glenn started posting
His front page would go dark. With no more "Indeeds".
Glenn hated to lie to all his blog friends.
Then he slithered and slunk, the black-hearted fink,
Then he slunk to their blogrolls and clicked all their friends!
Then he filled all their comments with just a few tries.
Evil Glenn laughed at the crap he'd started to post
Evil Glenn had been caught by this blogosphere daughter
But, you know, Evil Glenn was so smart and so slick
And his fib fooled sweet Susie. Then he patted her head
Then the last thing he hacked
And then with an Instalanche
It was quarter past dawn...
With no one to challenge his Higher Being perch,
"That's a post," grinned Evil Glenn,
But these postings weren't sad!
He stared down at the blogs!
Every Blogger in the Alliance, the big and the small,
And Evil Glenn, with his Robot Dance paused in mid-thrust,
And what happened then...?
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
It's Official; We Suck
We did get a healthy third for best podcast with MuggleCast winning with 64% of the vote. There may actually be a new IMAO podcast before Christmas, BTW, since all the other bloggers are hyped about doing one.
As for me, this will probably be my last post for a while. I'd like to thank LA County for being faster than advertised about getting me a new, certified birth certificate so I can go on my cruise tomorrow. I'm hella busy at work, will probably be in late today, but then I have two worry-free weeks to spend with my wife, the lovely and talented SarahK. We get back from the cruise on Christmas Eve, and, while I won't guarantee anything, we might have some pictures to put up. If I don't see you until then, have an honorable Christmas, ronin.
I can't fight this earworm anymore
I can't get the song "I can't fight this feeling anymore" by Air Supply out of my head.
So, I'm trying to make the best of it by fighting various things besides "this feeling."
For instance, for the past hour, I've been fighting "this robot." Before that, in honor of Frank J. I was fighting "this ninja" and "this monkey."
What should I fight next?
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Today, it's Frisky the Fluffy Warmonger...
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
December 15, 2005
Carnival of Comedy Number XXXIII
The 33rd Carnival of Comedy is up at Right Wing Testimonial. but it's not finished. He's got some excuses:
I'll add a fourth one:
But he at least followed the rules. Anyway, it's up even though it's a work in progress.
According to the National Assessment of Adult Literacy:
An estimated in one in 20 U.S. adults is not literate in English, which means 11 million people lack the skills to perform everyday tasks, a federal study shows. From 1992 to 2003, the nation's adults made no progress in their ability to read a newspaper, a book or any other prose arranged in sentences and paragraphs. They also showed no improvement in comprehending documents such as bus schedules and prescription labels.
And now you know why we podcast.
(We're still working on the version of IMAO you can eat... "IMAO's - Now a complete part of this conservative breakfast!")
Weasel-Related Link of the Day
Nothing grabs my attention like a line like this.
These days, it takes only one small and insignificant explosion to run (sic) your weasel experiments.
Rather funny weasel related humour (he's British) foullouws at The Trouser Quandary Resolution .
December 14, 2005
Just One Little Tweak
The Patriot Act is coming up for renewal, and although it already contains many helpful tools for assisting law enforcement personnel - like the right to root around in your sock drawer without a warrant to see if you have a copy of "Bouncy Burkha Bondage Babes" magazine (as all terrorists do) - the law is lacking in civilian education programs.
Let's face it. Cops can't be everywhere (unless you're making an illegal U-turn), so it's important that EVERYONE knows how to spot a terrorist. Especially children, since they have keen eyes and big, tattling mouths. That's why I think the Patriot Act should include funding for printing up a fun and colorful - yet instructive - pamphlet to help people practice spotting Islamofascist deviltry.
In the extended entry, you'll find a sample page from "Where's Osama?"...
For bonus fun, see if you can spot the New York Times reporter who wants to investigate the root causes of the terrorist's legitimate grievances.
Was the Holocaust a myth?
As IMAO's Official Token Jew™, I've been asked to comment on the declaration by Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad that the Holocaust was a myth exploited by Jews to steal land from Muslims...
*sigh* He's right. Guilty as charged.
You see, the truth of the whole matter is that Holocaust was nothing but a big game of tag gone horribly, horribly wrong. It started off friendly, then it got a little rough, and the next thing you know, everybody's wearing grey and white pajamas starving to death.
Ever wonder why there's "no tagbacks" in tag? Well, now you know.
By the time we got things straightened out, well, the firebombing of Dresden and other German cities killed not just tens of thousands of innocent German civilians, but millions.
The so-called concentration camps were really just recovery retreats for the survivors of the imperialist bombing of the innocent citizens of the Third Reich. However, due to Allied bombing runs of supply trains carrying tons and tons of food and toys and medicine to the recovery retreats, things went from worse to crazy-worse.
When the German guards fled the camps, a few guys put their heads together and found a way to screw the Muslims over big time. If only they'd have plotted to get some land with oil instead of making Moses' mistake all over again.
As for the tattoos, well, those just wash off. The next time you see an octogenarian with a number on their wrist walking down the street, just grab their hand and scrub the number off with a moist towelette.
No, really. Go ahead and try it. Our elders love it the look on your faces when the ink runs and fades.
All those museums all around the world? Bah. Just Zionist Conspiracy Meeting Halls. It's not like you goyishe bastards ever go inside them.
Let's Question People's Patriotism
It's Wednesday, so you know what that means: it's means it's time to question people's patriotism.
Liberals are always saying that conservative are questioning their patriotism when we attack their moronic ideas, but I wonder why we don't just go out and attack their lack of patriotism outright. It seems like a fun idea long overdue.
Today, I'm going to question the patriotism of John Kerry. He recently claimed that American soldiers are going into Iraqi homes in the dead of night and terrorizing kids and children. I don't care what his past service was; he now seems happy to undermine our troops if he thinks it helps his non-existent chance at being elected President in 2008. He obviously cares nothing for this country or the men and women who put their lives on the line for it, so consider his patriotism questioned, that traitor.
Question other people's patriotism in the comments. You can't question my patriotism, though, as I have a picture of an American flag somewhere on this site.
When the Commisar Called Them "Leftards," I Didn't Think They Were Literally Retarded
Posted by Frank J. at 10:39 AM | "Leftards," I Didn't Think They Were Literally Retarded&Body=http://www.imao.us/archives/004454.html">Email This
I don't know how much you check out the nuttier left-wing sites, but many of the muckadoos are all a flutter over Bush supposedly saying that 30,000 Iraqi civilians have been killed. A number of news sources even had headlines saying, "Bush says 30,000 Iraqi civilians dead in war." But Greyhawk pointed out that the actual exchange is this:
Q Since the inception of the Iraqi war, I'd like to know the approximate total of Iraqis who have been killed. And by Iraqis I include civilians, military, police, insurgents, translators.
Some newspapers when called on it have now changed their headlines, but the urban legend will probably live on (on DU, they were angry at Bush for not admitting more civilians were killed).
Now, I had my fun with TBogg yesterday and was going to leave it at that, but I began to wonder what makes a TBogg tick. Thus, I checked out his posts today. In one, he tries to take Greyhawk to task in this already lost battle, TBogg saying that the original headlines were correct. Why does TBogg think this? Because, apparently, TBogg doesn't understand the differences between the word "civilian" and "citizen." Now I'm feeling bad because I realize that yesterday I was making fun of retarded people. I guess I could try and make up for it by explaining how all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares to help them understand, but I fear references to geometry would just confuse them further.
I think the original goal of cheering up TBogg was a good one, because the people over there seem very angry and confused. They might even bite. So, how does one cheer up a leftwing nut? I was thinking you could put on a chimp mask and say, "I'm Resident Bush!" and that would make them laugh, clap, and giggle at how clever that is. Put other ideas for cheering up lefties in the comments.
UPDATE: This is so moronic and TBogg left himself so open, that it almost seems like its a trap. Anyone think its a trap? Maybe I should have sent spacemonkey in to make fun of his post first...
December 13, 2005
coming soon on the imao dvd . . .
. . . the high quality version of this low quality sample . . . maybe
It's a Love Story with a Giant Ape
I have to agree with SarahK that the new Kong ads (I've heard them on radio and seen them on TV) are cringe worthy. After they’re done courting women to the movie, are they going to have to undo the damage to male perceptions that this flick is going to be the next Titanic?
NEW MALE ORIENTED KONG AD
The IMAO Guide to IMAO Bloggers
In an earlier post, Ducky was called a "Saltine" by a commenter which I guess is the new way of calling someone a "cracker." That made me think that, since we don't have pictures of everyone or about pages yet, people might not be clear who all the IMAO bloggers are. So, here is a quick guide to the IMAO bloggers:
RightWingDuck: the dumb, honky cracker
Harvey: the angry black man
Laurence Simon: the Christian fundamentalist
spacemonkey: the Asian transvestite
Cadet Happy (or whatever name he happens to go by now): the chimp taught to use a keyboard and mouse
Aquaman: the greatest superhero ever
SarahK: the city-destroying monster
Frank J.: the god-like overlord of the blogdodecahedron
I plan to color-code posts eventually, but hopefully that will help you keep the bloggers straight for now.
IMAO Audio Exclusive: The Meeting Between Governor Schwarzenegger and Stanley Tookie Williams
I can't reveal my sources, but I have obtained audio of a meeting between the Governator and Tookie on the matter of his clemency. We all know how that turned out, but I still think it's of historical interest.
Listen to it here.
Don't Bury Tookie Yet!!
Tookie Williams is now dead, and that is a tragedy. At least it is as measured by the most recent RLPSC (Ranting Liberals Per Sound Clip). To hear them talk, Tookie was a man who was completely innocent, and anyway, he turned his life around. Which leads me to believe that he was indeed innocent but turned his life to vicious murdering hate. So I guess that in the end, it all worked out.
However, if it was a tragedy to kill Tookie, I have to say it would be an even greater tragedy to bury him. Especially when he can still do so much good.
For example, just because he's dead, it doesn't mean that Tookie can't be involved in peace marches and other good stuff.
And, if we find a tall enough building, he can still help fight all that gang activity.
Of course, what's the most important thing you can do for your country after you die? Vote Democrat! In some states, the dead population makes up a key element to the Democratic base.
Or you can benefit society in small ways. I for one, like being able to get tickets to my favorite concerts. But those lines are just so long! If only we knew someone who would camp out the ticket office in the freezing cold and help us out!
Plus, the cold would help preserve the body. That's a good thing. Because we want him looking his best in front of the cameras.
It turns out that all those celebrity endorsements really did help!
Well, that's all for today. It's been fun talking about the death penalty. Personally, I'm against killing prisoners, but I feel we need to have a safe place to do it - otherwise, we'd resort to back alley executions with coat hangers.
Keep checking back, there's always good stuff at IMAO.
Tookie Williams was irritated that the execution took longer than he expected because of problems getting the needle into his arm.
Witnesses and prison officials said Williams appeared to grow impatient as prison staffers searched for several minutes for a vein in his muscular left arm.
Whining about several minutes?
Thanks to your lawyers, your liberal Hollywood friends, the tangled justice system, and meddling NGO's, it took 24 years to get that needle into your arm, you murdering bastard. Twenty-six, if you count from the moment you killed those four people, and even longer than that if you go back to when you founded your gang of destruction.
What's a few more minutes, Tookie?
The Gates Of Hell are always open, 24 by 7. Walk right in, they've been waiting for you a very long time.
Why Am I Blogging?
I want to be on my honeymoon!
Well, just have to make it to Saturday, and then two weeks with my love, SarahK.
Now where's that friggin' birth certificate (who could believe I'm not American?)? If they don't let me on my cruise, this blog will turn to exclusively trashing Disney.
My Groom's Cake Scares Liberals
Who trashes a wedding? Liberals are such trolls these days, hiding in darkness under their bridges, running from any sunlight that shines through, and gnashing their teeth and stomping their feet at the thought of any happiness. If a chocolate gun made poor TBogg wet his pants in fright, then it's good SarahK didn't go through with her originally plan of having a holster in place of a garter.
Weddings should make people happy, so everyone go over and try and cheer up poor TBogg. Frank J. and SarahK are wed and there is one less Tookie in the world, so all should rejoice. Beckon the troll from under his bridge and tell him to frolic in the meadows and chase the butterflies. Yay!
BTW, when did IMAO go from unfunny to painfully unfunny? In the Weblog Awards, we're like eighth place or something (remember: you can vote every 24 hours). I don't mind losing badly to a professional like Scott Adams, but who the hell is Jesus' General? As for Best Podcast, we're hopelessly behind MuggleCast but still have a chance for second place. As a bid for more votes, while there will be no new podcast until January, I will post some new audio later today.
December 12, 2005
Time to Die Now Tookie
Now you can be asking Jesus if children's books make up for murder.
I'm thinking that answer is "No."
At one past midnight, Tookie Williams will be beaten to death with baseball bats. In a recent 6 to 3 Supreme Court ruling, it was concluded that death by baseball bats is cruel, but baseball bats being used as clubs is quite usual, so the penalty does not violate the Eighth Amendment since it is not cruel and unusual.
Fun with the Pereiras
Deciding that it cost a lot to pay for car parking when flying out of Orlando, we made some friends in the area to keep our car for us for free (we met them at the blogger screening of Serenity - coming soon to DVD). They kept my Hyundai Santa Fe on their driveway while we were in Fort Worth and said they didn't drive it at all. Then we just had to call them yesterday when we were about to arrive.
Free parking; yay!
BTW, here are some pictures from when Sarah and I went to MGM Studios and Epcot with the Pereiras recently. You can see the "holiday" tree mentioned in a previous post. My favorite picture is of us on the Epcot Test Track, though (one of those "candid" shots the ride tries to sell to you... and succeeded in this case).
France the Civilized
Well, we're back to the days of car bombings in Beirut.
So, what does this prove? Why, it proves the civilizing power of France!
After all, in France, Muslim rioters were setting fires to parked cars and buildings, but avoiding actually killing anyone.
But in Beirut, they weren't even patient enough to wait for these guys to get out of their cars before blowing them to Kingdom Come.
Everything else aside, it shows how civilized French society is. Whether or not you've integrated yourselves into it, you're still bound to get a little bit of it on you.
Three cheers for France!
An Inspirational Kids Book
I’ve accomplished a lot of things in my life. I’ve gotten married, I’ve had kids – well, not me, I mean my wife, and I’ve even managed to hold down a job. But sometimes these accomplishments seem so hollow. Why? Because I haven’t been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Sure, I’ve never been a murderous thug, but that’s only an unofficial requirement.
Having watched the news, it seems that there’s a death row inmate here in California who not only was nominated – but he also wrote a kids book.
This is inspirational. I’ve always wanted to write a kids book to help inspire all those young eager minds – and to make lots and lots of money.
However, it seems that most publishers want to see some sort of “draft” before they’ll fork over any dough! Don’t they know who I am? Every day I hold Frank J’s Coat!!
So it is with sincere pleasure that I now share my latest entry into the exciting world of Children’s books.
Give Me Your Money, By RWD. Retail Price $6.95
Once upon a time, there was a sweet, and gentle gangbanger. His friends called him Killer K. One day Killer K said, “I’m Hungry.” His friends laughed at him. So he shot them.
Some other friends looked on this and said, “Killer, if you had a job, then you would have money. Then you could have all the food you want.”
Killer K thought about this. People were always telling him to learn a skill, take his life seriously, and become a productive member of society. “Get a job?” he said. “That’s racist.”
So Killer K did the next best thing. He robbed a bank.
The bank robbery went perfect. Except for killing a few people, and getting caught. But the bank had free breath mints, so Killer wasn't so hungry. The next day, the true story was all over the newspapers. He was sent to jail despite pleadings from overweight ministers saying that Killer K was the true victim.
Killer K said, “Now that I’m in prison, I’ll have all the things I need.”
His lawyers said that he should put himself into one of the many wonderful prison rehab programs. These programs trained prisoners in important job skills.
Sadly, all of the positions that were available were too far beneath a convicted felon.
So Killer K thought, “This is a horrible way to live. This makes me want to kill even MORE people.” Then he changed his mind and said, “I should write a book. A book that will inspire children everywhere.” He sat down with his lawyers and thought about different titles.
The book was a huge success. It sold over three HUNDRED copies. In some cities, there were some people who had actually read it!! With this important accomplishment under his belt – Killer K was ready to ask the world for forgiveness. Sadly, the world was not ready to forgive. Probably because they were racist. So he got some friends together to help him ask for help.
Now the whole word knew what was happening! This made Killer K very happy. What will happen to Killer K? I'm sorry, you'll have to buy the next book.
$6.95 at your local retailer.
What do you think? Sure, it’s a bit rough around the edges, and I haven’t quite worked out the ending although I’ll probably have one tonight by midnight.
The Married Man Is in the Hizouse!
Guess who's back, very tired, and has an extremely busy week ahead of him before he can go on his honeymoon cruise?
Give you a hint. Name starts in an F and ends in a J.
I just found out yesterday I need a copy a certified copy of my birth certificate or they won't let my on the cruise, so I'm scrambling to get a new one sent to me express while at the same time trying to find what happened to the old one.
Anyhoo, I'm not going to go full details of the wedding right now, but one of my biggest disappointments was that I barely got to talk to Kevin (a.k.a. cadet happy, a.k.a. sirkisser, a.k.a. mud shoelace, a.k.a. that guy who always photoshops me to look gay, a.k.a. beardo lawyer) and his daughter at all, but he was kind enough to already have up a great photo round up. I also got to meet the blogger formerly known as Spoons and his wife, the first documented blogger marriage. It's cool how many people can find smart and pretty wives through blogging.
It was a great wedding, and my only regret was that the DJ (a marine, incidentally) did not have "I am the Walrus" on his Karaoke list (I sang "One Week" for my solo; how could I resist a song that mentions both Aquaman and samurai?). Also, it should be noted that Kris (iowsoccermom) has a great voice along with piano skills (check her site for pictures from the rehersal dinner). Sarah and her should form a band.
Speaking of Sarahs, my Silly Sister Sarah was never anything near overweight, but now she's even thinner - like Calista Flockhart thin. She is available, BTW, so applications to date her can be sent so me. Those found lacking will be beaten within an inch of their lives for looking at my little sister.
Before I have my two week honeymoon, I'll try to catch up on current events and do a little blogging this week. Then, in January, expect me and the rest of IMAO to be back in full force like never before.
BTW, is there anything better than marital sex?
December 11, 2005
frank and sarahK's wedding!
i was one of the lucky folks who was able to attend the wedding on saturday night. needless to say, fun was had by all. i should be asleep right now, but i've sacrificed a few hours sleep so you can get the skinny on the proceedings . . .
the wedding was held at a chapel in arlington, texas. the interior was quite elegant . . .
kris from "anywhere but here" played piano flawlessly, and singing was done by one of sarahk's friends, adam, who did a fabulous job . . . sarah walked down the aisle to "at last" . . . all her musical choices were great!
here is a pic of frank, joe foo, and sarah's uncle the preacher waiting for her to take her walk down the aisle . . . frank didn't look terribly nervous . . . her uncle did a great job . . .
sarah's niece was perhaps the cutest flower girl i've ever seen . . .
here is a pic of sarah's father passing her over to frank . . . no refunds, no exchanges . . .
here is a pic of frank and sarah, with sizzle off to the side . . .
i think this was during the vows part . . . very sweet . . .
the cakes and goblets we've all been hearing so much about . . .
the wedding hall--very well set up . . . sizzle obviously did an exceptional job coordinating everything . . .
the families! sarah's stepmother, father, mother, stepfather, sister, herself, frank, joe foo, frank's mother and father
sarah giving a shout out to someone while queing up for the meal, which was fabulous . . .
cutting the cake, obviously . . .
joe foo's toast . . .
the first dance . . .
kris of "anywhere but here" providing some karaoke entertainment for the guests . . . the karaoke thing worked very well . . . the time just flew by . . .
the tossing of the bouqet . . .
the removal and throwing of the garter . . .
a group of lovely ladies doing some type of chicken dance . . .
leaving for the limo . . . someone must not have gotten the memo that there were not supposed to be any bubbles . . . : )
there is so much more i could add, but i'm going to sleep -- obviously, it was a great event, very moving . . . we're glad we could make it!
December 10, 2005
Reminiscing With Alzheimer's
Frank & Sarah are getting married, and on a happy occasion like this, I think it's only appropriate that we share our favorite memories of the lucky couple.
So I'm stealing this notion from Tammi of Tammi's World:
"Remember the time we..."
What are YOUR best memories of time spent with Frank & Sarah?
Frank J And Sarahk's Hitching Day
I was invited, and really wanted to go, but I had to decline. I had some family matters I had to take care of.
But apparently they are going to go ahead and have the thing anyway. Some of the other IMAO bloggers are going to be there, sort of a consolation prize I guess.
Congratulations Frank and Sarah! Thanks for soldiering on without me.
December 09, 2005
Evil Glenn Plans Wedding Crash!
When Frank & Sarah get married, there's one thing they'll have to watch out for... (see extended entry)
(click to enlarge)
Glenn Reynolds trying to upstage the bride.
Remember, Frank, Sarah will be the pretty one. Try not to get confused.
IMAO.US: Your Award Winning Blog
Voting Update: Aside from a few who have more votes than us, we are utterly and totally destroying all the competition, with extreme prejudice! Thanks!
Remember a true IMAO-erican will vote daily from every computer they have access to.
I made some crappy looking mods to the 'official' 2005WA graphics, since we are nominated for two, count 'em TWO awards. Here they are in all their crappiness!
Ps: clicking the images will take you to the appropriate award voting post.
Today, it's Piper the Crackbaby with a little bag of something...
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
December 08, 2005
You know, after Katrina they said our music scene would vastly improve, but the Houston Symphony still sounds like amateur crap. What gives?
Well, Taranto ripped our local Symphony a new one over political correctness gone amok:
Handel's Messiah By Conductor Christopher Seaman
Since they can't handle Christmas Time, let's see what other days of the week and months the Moonbats want to change:
Monday = Change to Munday so they can spell it.
February = Change to Febuary so they can spell it.
Carnival Of Comedy #32:
The Rules Were Made To Be Broken Edition
She added a nice touch with the 'Rules Guys Wish Women Knew'. Even more fitting considering the upcoming heterosexual nuptials between Frank and Sarah.
Why not go over there to Blonde Sagacity, read the current carnival of comedy and call ALa a mule shaker or a rule breaker or something that rhymes with 'ool acre'
December 07, 2005
Maybe We're Better Off With The Silence
Have you noticed lately that the MSM isn't doing diddly as far as reporting any good news from Iraq?
So, given that there IS actually good news to be reported (as the weekly CentCom newsletter so amply demonstrates) I thought I'd share what I knew.
Interspersed - just for fun - with how I imagine your standard Liberal Media terrorist-coddling lapdogs would title the story.
Feel free to play along, if you'd like.
1. Completion of police stations in Babil, Basrah, Erbil, Kirkuk, Ninewa, and Salah ad Din Provinces, and a holding facility in Al Muthanna Province will provide approximately 250,000 people a safer environment and greater security as police operate from these improved facilities.
250,000 THREATENED WITH ARREST AND DETENTION IN IRAQ! WHO WILL BE BUSH'S NEXT VICTIM?
2. The completion of renovations to 12 schools in Baghdad, Basrah, and Al Anbar Provinces will equal a better learning environment and brighter future for over 7,200 Iraqi schoolchildren and 50 teachers.
US PROPAGANDA JUGGERNAUT ROLLS OVER IRAQI CHILDREN!
3. Over 29 km of new roads between Qadisiyah Province and Wassit Province will provide a safer travel route for farming villages to transport their crops to the market and reaching larger towns such as Baghdad.
BUSH FAILURE MAKES IT EASIER FOR ROADSIDE BOMBERS TO STRIKE!
4. 500,000 people annually will benefit from six renovated railroad station in Qadisiyah Province will provide protection from the environment while the passengers wait to board the train and for the stationmaster to schedule freight movements.
BUSH FORCES IRAQIS INTO OVERCROWDED TRAINS: EASY TARGETS FOR
5. 150,000 residents between Baghdad, Ninewa, and Wassit Province now enjoy more reliable electricity as their 15 km of electrical power feeder were installed to local distribution substations.
IS BUSH PLANNING NEW "ELECTRIC CHAIR" TORTURE CHAMBER IN IRAQ?
6. 80,000 people between Maysan, Najaf, and Ninewa Provinces now enjoy potable water with the installation of three compact water units and repair of 27 km of water line.
IRAQI WATER MAY CONTAIN DEPLETED URANIUM: BUSH'S NEW PLOT TO POISON IRAQI BABIES!
7. Four border forts in Maysan Province and two border forts in Al Anbar Province will increase the security along the border with Iran and Saudia Arabia, allow for the proper training of the border police, and provide additional logistical support for border patrols.
BUSH'S IRAQI POLICE STATE: THE NEW EAST BERLIN?
8. The completion of a Port of Entry in Ninewa province will expedite the safe passage of thousands of vehicles and persons traveling between Iraq and Syria daily.
FASTER PASSAGE FOR
9. Fire stations in Al Anbar, Basrah, Diyala, and Kirkuk Provinces will increase fire security for 100,000 residents in local towns and provide an excellent training facility for firefighters.
100,000 IRAQIS LULLED INTO FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY IN SPITE OF MASSIVE FIRE THREAT!
BUSH RAMPS UP THEFT OF IRAQI OIL!
As I suggested in the post title, maybe no news IS good news.
By the way, the CentCom newsletter is free, contains the stories the MSM doesn't bother reporting, and can be delivered to your inbox by clicking this link & leaving your e-mail address.
If you don't sign up, then the
The gift that keeps on giving...
I heard a rumor that Frank J. is getting me a set of these for Christmas...
Of course, he's also going to want a remote login to my system so he can control and fire them.
Now why would he ever want to do that?
Well, he does have a big round target on his sides...
Poll: US, GB, CESM, SK Agree With Frank About Torturing Terrorists
Interesting Poll finds broad approval of terrorist torture.
Most Americans and a majority of people in Britain, France and South Korea say torturing terrorism suspects is justified at least in rare instances, according to AP-Ipsos polling.How about that? Even the Franch!
Note that Frank wrote this a few weeks ago.
I don't like terrorists and I don't know them, so they fit my strict guidelines for torture. They should be beaten, electrocuted, have bamboo shoots stuck under their fingernails, and anything else you can think of.
Ok, so by now you are thinking the same thing I am thinking. As the last few days pass before his (and of course Sarahk's) wedding, is this the dawning of the Great Frankening which was foretold in prophecy?
December 06, 2005
While You're Waiting For That Weblog Awards Cookie To Expire
Go over to GOP and College and caption the picture of Howard Dean with a halo of lights around his head.
Comedy Of Carnival Reminder
Hey sportsfans, Chadrafans and ceiling fans!
The Carnival of Comedy is approaching like some sort of runaway literary device.
This weeks host? Why it's going to be Blonde Sagacity.
Just a few days till carnival time!
Much to my shock, there will be a BlogJam about Internet Governance and some other technologically complex stuff at Pajamas Media today. Apparently, the Internet is too powerful and complex to leave in the hands of the Global Zionist Conspiracy or Haliburton or whomever runs it these days.
Someone's running it, right? It's not just running wildly out of control like Bobcat Goldthwait on the Tonight Show, right?
Oh, and one of the participants is named Laurence Simon. (No relation)
Let's see if he pulls a Frank J. and forgets to plug IMAO or the podcast.
PS: "Spacemonkey Runs The Internet" is, in fact, a Lost Episode of the IMAO Podcast that was recorded in the 50's, lost in the archives, and then rediscovered when Spacemonkey cleaned out his trunk.
That, and the box of Twinkies found with it, were both in the process of being digitally remastered and recorded. However, Harvey insisted on playing Tetris and the episode was lost once again.
Trust me. It was really, really funny.
Amazing Beliefs Part 5
I'm leaving for Texas today to get all married and stuff, and, just in time for the plane flight, I got a copy of The Weapon by Michael Z. Williamson and his first novel, Freehold. I'll tell you what I think of them after I read 'em. Until then, here's maybe my last post for a while, the final part of Michael Z. Williamson's amazing beliefs about guns.
* * * *
AMAZING BELIEFS PART 5
That the NRA is bad for running political activities, but the Million Moron March, stealing money from AIDS research, illegally maintaining tax-exempt status as a 501c(3) organization and fraudulently using a hospital rent-free as its headquarters is good for running political activities.
That Charlton Heston is evil for working for the NRA for free, but Sarah Brady charging $10,000 a speech is a paragon of altruism.
That a ranch rifle made after 1994 is somehow a military rifle.
That all firearms retailers are illegal gun dealers, just like all pharmacists are illegal drug dealers.
That hate is not a family value, but all gun owners are tobacco-chawin’, beer-swillin’, racist, redneck bubbas.
That a gun which sits silently in a drawer and costs pennies per round to shoot is a bad idea for self defense, but a dog that requires walks, veterinary care, and licenses, may not be allowed in certain neighborhoods and may annoy the neighbors at all hours is a good idea for self defense.
That the worst thing one can do if there’s an intruder in the house is get a gun and apprehend them, and the best thing on can do is pretend to be asleep and wait for them to go away, especially if they are raping your children.
That gun control will “keep guns out of the wrong hands,” meaning law-abiding Americans’ hands.
That trigger locks do not interfere with the ability to use a gun for defensive purposes, which is why it makes sense that police officers are exempt from using them on their duty weapons.
That the government attempting to stop the Microsoft “monopoly” is good, and the Federal government pressuring cities to buy guns only from Smith & Wesson is also good, and not monopolistic.
That “assault weapons” have no purpose other than to kill large numbers of people, which is why the police need them.
That “assault weapons” are only designed for killing offensively, and the police need them but you do not.
That citizens don’t need to carry a gun for personal protection but desk-bound police administrators who work in a building filled with cops do, as do tax auditors, vegetable inspectors, mail inspectors, and meat inspectors.
That beer-gutted police have special mental, emotional and physical capabilities that enable them to deal with the incredible complexity of a firearm, and private citizens can never hope to achieve such competence.
That the Brady Act and the “Assault Weapons” Ban which both went into effect in 1994 are responsible for the decrease in violent crime rates since 1991, and since 2004 when the AWB expired.
That 25% of the dealers at gun shows are unlicensed, and we must license these purveyors of books, tools, knives, clothing, artwork, candy and historical artifacts.
That because of New York’s “tough laws” against guns, there exist black market dealers who spend thousands of dollars in gas and other expenses to drive to Arizona, which has “weak laws” in order to buy Ruger pistols at $500 each retail and drive back to New York and sell them to criminals at an “average” of $50 each, thereby making a profit. (Brady Bunch)
That there’s no contradiction in the same liberals who said in the 60s that 18 year olds who could fight should be able to vote, now saying that 18 year olds can vote but shouldn’t own guns.
That there are “secret lists of gun owners maintained by controversial organizations” such as the KKK and the Black Panthers, and that registration of guns will somehow prevent this. (Potomac-inc.org)
That a person with a gun that isn’t registered is “armed outside the law,” even though no such registration laws exist. (Potomac-inc.org)
That gun owners are all ignorant and stupid, but nevertheless belong to a huge, well-organized conspiracy that exists to destroy the nation. (Potomac-inc.org)
That the weapons that are useless for fighting crime and defending against tyranny or invasion will be the instruments of this dastardly plan. (Potomac-inc.org)
That 10 USC 310 and 10 USC 311 don't exist.
That suicides involving firearms are "gun deaths" but suicides involving knives are not "stabbing deaths."
That even though all white vans and Chevrolet Impalas are registered, they couldn’t catch the DC murderers, because only gun registration will stop killings.
That “Weapons of Mass Destruction” in Iraq refers to an intact, armed nuke with a delivery system, but in the US refers to common self-loading rifles.
That an AK-47, designed in 1947 with a maximum effective range of 400 yards, was “designed to pierce police body armor” that didn’t exist until the 1970s at “ranges over 1000 yards.”
That there is a magic force called "kickback" that no one who works with firearms has ever heard of. It does not affect police or soldiers. "Kickback" causes a weapon to recoil, spontaneously aim itself at a loved one and automatically fire and kill them. "Kickback," while never having been observed, is a huge threat to safety and why "semiautomatic assault weapons" should never be sold to civilians.
That a good liberal opposes letting people use guns to defend themselves and their businesses because of the benefits of crime to police, insurance companies and large corporations who can afford the loss their smaller competitors can't.
Only a "rightwinger" would support letting an individual engage in self-determination.
That we must ban guns with folding stocks, which have no "sporting purpose," so criminals can only get fixed stock rifles that are more accurate.
That you should wait until a severe emergency to get a gun, just as you should wait until it rains to fix the roof.
That it is acceptable to overwork interns, who will kill a few patients from fatigue-based carelessness, in order to make them better doctors and save more patients in the long run, but absolutely unacceptable for a law-abiding citizen to shoot anyone, even a rapist or murderer in the act.
That the number of accidental and suicidal deaths by drugs should not be included in statistics, but the number of accidental and suicidal deaths by guns should be.
That even despite that, when the risk of guns is lower than the risk of medical drugs, it's a "national tragedy."
That with only 1 chance in 5 of facing violent crime, and 1 chance in 10 of a gun being used defensively, the risk is minimal and gunowners are paranoid freaks, but it is insane not to get immunized against hepatitis, which strikes 1:50,000 people.
That 1:10,000 guns will be used to commit a crime, so we must get rid of them, and only 1:1000 people will have a dangerous reaction to an immunization so we must keep them.
That guns cause crime, even though crime has been shown to drop in areas with higher levels of gun ownership, and to rise where guns are restricted. This is due to "other factors." We should ignore those other factors and ban guns.
That a gun is a symbolic penis, and the person telling you this is a psychiatrist who drives a BMW.
That we should be scared of the people who own symbolic penises, but not of those who want to chop off all those symbolic penises. (thank you, L. Neil Smith)
That the Patriot Act, allowing the government to obtain library or bookstore records as ``an important tool for investigating and intercepting terrorism' even though they haven't done so is morally repugnant, but banning assault weapons that haven't been used in crime IS "An important tool for fighting crime and terrorism."
That guns in areas of the world like Afghanistan are frequently used in crime, and therefore guns are bad, just like doctors in Afghanistan have a high rate of patient loss, therefore doctors are bad.
That guns don't cause an increase in crime in low crime areas like Arlington, VA where they are available legally, but do cause an increase in crime in adjoining areas like Washington, DC where they are not available legally. The obvious solution to this is to make them illegal more places, which will make the crime rate go down to the level it is in places where they're legal.
That it's important to see that since the UK banned guns, they've had almost no crime with guns...er...well.
That some places have no guns, and no murder with guns, just like the US has no cricket bats, and no murder with cricket bats.
That ".50 caliber sniper rifles can bring down an airliner," and a .50BMG isn't very accurate.
That a single .50 caliber bullet can bring down an airliner, but the Air Force chooses to waste money on rapid fire 20mm cannon and missiles for this purpose, while the Army prefers missiles such as the Patriot.
That guns are not a good way for your neighbor to defend himself, so you should take them away from him. Or rather, have some other people with guns take them away from him, rather than risk getting hurt by his useless weapon.
That we are a peaceful society, and the way to deal with people who aren’t peaceful is to send police and soldiers to peacefully persuade them with guns, and not resort to violence.
That the "gun show loophole" allows you to go to a gun show and find a federally licensed dealer surrounded by cops and federal agents and 10,000 buyers, who will wink and violate existing federal law by not requiring ID, a form 4473 and a call to NICS before selling you a gun, and neither of you will be arrested for the attempt.
That the "gun show loophole" allows you to go to a gun show and buy other things without a waiting period--like ammo, cleaning kits and books.
* * * *
(c) 2005 by Michael Z. Williamson. Permission is granted to copy for
Weblog Awards Update
When I finally voted last night, I found that IMAO was in hot competition for second place for Best Humor Blog while some blog I've never seen called Jesus General had like seven time the votes of anyone else. Anyone know anything about that blog?
As for Best Podcast, despite our hiatus until Janurary (just like 24!), we had a good lead as of last night since no one was voting in that category.
Anyway, keep voting (you can vote once a day in each category). And someone update me how things are going since I don't have flash at work and can't see the votes.
Oh, we should probably sponsor people in other categories. I remember Basil's Blog was a finalist for something...
December 05, 2005
Time for a family plug!
My uncle has a website called Buddha's Place that offers a lot of interesting merchandise. He sent me a monk bag (made in Sri Lanka and the profits of which go to charity). SarahK made great use of that on our last trip to Disney World. Another neat item is something I never even heard of: a bamboo t-shirt.
Anyway, there are some neat stuff. Check it out.
The Difference Between The State Of The Union and The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
NBC has finally decided to use the "Nobody bothered to tell Matt and Katie" excuse to answer criticism that NBC totally ignored the Macy's Parade injuries.
However, NBC went on to dump empty praise on the audience for being able to tell the difference between entertainment and news events:
"I think viewers are sophisticated enough to know that Katie and Matt are covering a parade," Capus said. "They're not covering the State of the Union. There's a difference."
Just in case you're one of the few retards out there that needs a little help:
The Difference Between The State Of The Union and The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
MACY'S PARADE: Happens on Thanksgiving Morning, once per year.
MACY'S PARADE: Manhattan
MACY'S PARADE: Gigantic inflated sacks of hot air floating down the street, held by tethers.
MACY'S PARADE: Sponsored by Macy's
MACY'S PARADE: Later that evening, people will be groggy from eating too much turkey.
MACY'S PARADE: Constantly interrupted by pointless commercials.
STATE OF THE UNION: Many people watch while playing drinking games
MACY'S PARADE: Police line the parade route, keeping the squirming masses off of the street.
STATE OF THE UNION: Leaders of House, Senate, and Administration are up on the podium.
MACY'S PARADE: Santa Claus brings up the rear.
MACY'S PARADE: Followed by bloated moron commentators yammering during football.
Kwanzaa: Fact or Fiction?
When I was at Disney World's Epcot Center recently, they had a large, decorated pine tree displayed prominently. I then wondered if it was a Christmas tree or one of those newfangled "Holiday" trees. There were a number of placards on the tree, and the only ones that said "Merry Christmas" were in foreign languages so as not to antagonize over-sensitive Americans, apparently. What was in English was a placard that wished my unspecified holidays would be "happy" and one that said "Have a Joyous Kwanzaa." That made me wonder why Kwanzaa was the only holiday that could get specific mention in English. Perhaps the tenets of Kwanzaa could be offensive to me. Of course, I had no idea what Kwanzaa was and whether to be offended, so I asked the nearest Disney employee what Kwanzaa was. It happened to be Mickey Mouse, and he just shrugged his shoulders and danced a happy little jig in response. I then knocked him to the ground and demanded answers.
And, if any prosecutor asks, Mickey produced his own weapon before I pulled out the switchblade.
While the most common question in regards to Kwanzaa is "What the hell is Kwanzaa?" perhaps that's the wrong question to be asking. Maybe a better question is whether Kwanzaa exists at all. Not only do I not know anyone who celebrates Kwanzaa, I don't even know anyone who knows anyone who knows how to celebrate Kwanzaa if he or she wanted to.
The traditional story about the creation of Kwanzaa is that, in 1966, an American black militant exclaimed, "I ain't celebrating no white man's holiday!" and made a new African holiday which’s celebration would start the day after Christmas. As charming as that story is, there simply is no evidence to corroborate it. If Kwanzaa has been around nearly forty years, wouldn't there be some documented evidence of a Kwanzaa celebration? Instead, all supposed proof of Kwanzaa is highly questionable.
Furthermore, I don't remember hearing anything about Kwanzaa until sometime in the 90's. A quick Google search found no references to Kwanzaa before the invention of the World Wide Web, something that took place well after 1966.
With further research and the use of the great journalist staple - unnamed sources - I found out that Kwanzaa was not actually created until the mid 90's, and, not only was it not made by black militants, it was created by an old, rich white man.
Sometime in the 90's, political correctness started to take hold during the holidays with TV making sure to wish a "Happy Hanukah" and "Happy Holidays" along with the then common "Merry Christmas" (Ramadan was not mentioned since we had yet to have a large scale terrorist attack). An executive at NBC decided to one-up the competition in how diverse they were by having an African holiday to mention. Not wanting to bother to do the research to find an actual holiday, the executive made up a holiday, named it after his daughter's imaginary friend, and gave it a flimsy back-story. When others saw the mention of this "Kwanzaa," they did not question it so as not to be accused of being racist. Not long after, everyone was mentioning Kwanzaa during the Christmas season though none knew what it was.
In conclusion, while Christmas and Easter have fictional characters to tell our children about, the holiday of Kwanzaa itself is the fiction. If someone wishes you a joyous Kwanzaa, you wish him right back a blissful Flibberdygibble.
This is Pajamas Media reporter Frank J. signing off.
"No Good Deed..." Take 2
I've resubmitted my fantasy/western short for Baen's Universe. I've edited it down so it's now pretty much straight action (and also tried to improve the general literary quality of it). You can find it at Baen's Bar in Baen's Universe Slush as "No Good Deed... ver 2." Constructive or destructive criticism goes in Baen's Universe Slush Comments in topic "No Good Deed... ver 2 comments." I like the characters and setting enough that I might use them for the next story bit by bit.
BTW, there's a reference to the last line of my favorite movie near the beginning. Special bonus samurai points to whoever can point out the line and what move it comes from.
Also, La Shawn Barber has a new blog devoted to Fantasy Fiction for Christians (and I agree with her that Harry Potter falls under that category).
Did Crazed Kos Readers Force Amazon to Delete Reviews?
Then there's this post at Kos (purportedly by St. Cindy) complaining that the pictures being circulated of her at a poorly-attended book-signing were taken out of context.
To cheer her up, Kos readers are encouraged in the comments to leave positive reviews at Amazon.
Here's an interesting comment near the top of the thread:
Though I feel a little guilty that I posted a review without having read the book, I did so, encouraging people to read it for themselves and not to trust the freepers.
Probably a lie. You have to have a conscience in order to feel guilty.
[Hat tip to IMAO reader Iowa GI pointing out the Kos post]
Another Word on Awards
I was going to write some of this in the comments to the previous two posts, but comments don't seem to be working right now for some reason.
Anyway, if I only hadn't voted for Iowahawk myself and convinced someone else not to vote, I could have legitimately tied for third in the Warblogger Awards.
Oh well; we have a chance in the Weblog Awards now (as long as James Taranto doesn't screw us over on a whim like last year). Problem is, now is a bad time for judging IMAO. I'm too busy to blog this month (I plan to have out one investigative report before I leave tomorrow night for my wedding), and the podcast is on hiatus until Janurary. That leaves everything in the hands of my incompetent co-bloggers.
Oh no. Not Awards Season again!
Right Wing News has announced the Fourth Annual Warblogger Awards.
Let's see... IMAO got 10 votes for funniest blog, giving it an honorable mention. And as Frank always says... something.... honorable something... Ronin.
Since I'm a loyal servant of Frank (until the contract runs out in 2011... nobody said all Jews were good with legal stuff), I guess I can give him the four votes from poor deluded saps who voted for some crapy site I write on my own.
That gives IMAO a total of 14 votes for funniest blog.
Still second place.
DAMN YOU, SCRAPPLEFACE!
December 04, 2005
One and Eleven
Okay, so you folks want some authentic Houston blogging?
This is David Carr:
Okay, okay. A little backstory.
David Carr is the quarterback for the expansion team Houston, Texans. He holds the record for being sacked the most number of times in a season, which is a very large number.
It's probably not as much as the number of times Madonna's been thrown to the ground and piled on by five or six 250-pound men all at once. Madonna wasn't wearing pads, either.
Anyway, he's a really bad quarterback. Throws more interceptions than touchdowns. And the interceptions usually resultin touchdowns for the opposing team (like today).
He's been the quarterback for the team since it showed up at our doorstep, mewing and rubbing against our legs.
Five years. All losing seasons. If it weren't for the fact that the Super Bowl was played at Reliant a few years back, I'd say the turf hadn't been broken in yet by 2 professional teams on the field at once.
So, NFL, five years ago you said that professional football was coming back to Houston.
We're still waiting for it.
Reviews Still Evaporating
Amazon 1-star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book 3pm 12-3-05:
Count as of 12pm 12-4-05:
See this post for earlier dates.
Ya suppose it's like some kind of weird code and that Amazon's trying to tell us something with these numbers?
December 03, 2005
An outsider's point of view
I'm having a hard time understanding this whole Christmas Tree thing.
I was going by the Krogers' lot the other day, and they'd taken up about half the lot and filled it with trees. This meant that I had to circle a few times to find a spot, walk a few minutes in the rain to get my groceries, and then push the cart aaaaaalll the way back... ugh.
Anyway, will someone explain how chopping down a bunch of trees, humiliating them with all sorts of garish goofy fragile ornaments from the Hallmark store, and then throwing them out when they go bad is supposed to celebrate the birth of your messiah?
The presents, I get. Mass marketing, keeps the economy going. Good for all. And maybe even the big fat bearded guy in the red suit flying around makes sense... that's the Coca Cola Company's fault, I figure. Well, them and the animators at Rankin Bass.
But the ritual humiliation and discarding of trees has got me at a loss. Almost as much as whole bunny rabbit and colored eggs thing with regards to the messiah's coming back to the dead.
Whatever. If you'll excuse me, I have to finish carving up this block of wood for my homemade dreidel. And don't tell me that it's a sinful gambling device. When was the last time you got trackback or comment spam from an offshore site like "Dreidel Dollars dot com" or "Hanukkah Party Palace dot net" ?
December 02, 2005
Glenn Reynolds at the Airport
This week's Filthy Lie Assignment was to answer the question:
What was Evil Glenn's connection to the mob that attacked the New York Air desk at Washington National Airport?
Turns out there was no connection at all.
Seems Glenn was just trying to catch a flight to Iraq so that he could share Thanksgiving dinner with the troops, as seen in this completely non-photoshopped image:
The unruly mob?
They all wanted to get tickets to Amazon.com's headquarters in Seattle, so they could... discuss... why their 1-star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book got deleted:
Amazon.com Shows Willingness To Resolve Reviews Issue
After being informed that Amazon.com has been fudging the reviews of Cindy Sheehan's new book, IMAO reader TJ dropped them a line:
She received the following reply, which may or may not have been edited to comply with IMAO guidelines:
Greetings from Amazon.com.
Thank you for bringing these reviews to our attention. Each of the reviews mentioned in your e-mail message have been read by a member of our Communities team.
Any of the reviews that we found to be outside our guidelines have either been edited to bring them within our guidelines or have been slated for removal. Any changes made to these reviews will become effective online in 3-5 business days.
Meanwhile, we at Amazon.com would like to reward your dilligence. If you will provide us with your home address, we can send over our team of Amazon.com "Safety Specialists" to perform a free inspection of your house. Did you know that natural gas leaks are the #1 cause of residential explosions? When our team of large, Italian men gets to your door, invite them in and listen VERY carefully to the "safety tips" they offer.
Because that's a real nice home you got there, and it would be a shame if anything were to happen to it. Don't you agree?
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Hmmm... I guess that explains those guys outside my house fixing the gas line.
Cindy Sheehan 1-star Book Review Watch
As explained in this post, Amazon has been quietly removing 1-star reviews from Cindy Sheehan's new book. Let's examine the history of the 1-star reviews by date:
3:15 pm 11-30-05
1-star reviews dated Nov 29: 5
4:15 pm 11-30-05
1-star reviews dated Nov 29: 5
7:00 am 12-1-05
1-star reviews dated Nov 29: 3
1-star reviews dated Nov 29: 3
You can easily track 1-star reviews with this link to the reviews listed lowest first.
Here's an interesting line from Dec 2, as posted by reviewer Jed:
"I left an honest but critical review of the book and the named author, it was removed. I once again left an honest yet critical review of this book; again it was removed but this time along with every review I have left on other items."
From Dec 1st, reviewer Kenneth:
"why has my review been removed? the book is poorly written and she does her political view a disservice when she espouses hatred. why does amazon censor reviews? does someone on amazon's staff allow their political viewpoint to override free speech?"
Dec 1st, JR Dunn:
"Be advised that somebody is using this page to target virus attacks against anyone who has written a negative review -- which, appearances to the contrary, is several hundred people by now.
We'll see where it goes from here.
UPDATE: GOP & College has some more analysis, plus a couple screenshots.
Today, it's Nardo the Greedy grabbing on to a catnip bag...
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...
Amazing Beliefs Part 4
You want more amazing beliefs about guns from author Michael Z. Williamson? Then here you go! And I might even have an original post today to boot.
* * * *
AMAZING BELIEFS PART 4
That autoloaders are “easily converted” to fully automatic fire, yet the person telling you this has no idea how it’s accomplished.
That banning rifles with bayonet lugs will cut down on all the drive-by bayonetings.
That shooting at an intruder who smashes your door and enters with knife in hand will somehow “escalate the violence.”
That it’s safer with less guns, which is why lunatics shoot up schools instead of gun shows or police stations.
That guns cause crime, which is why there was no rape or murder in the Dark Ages.
That stopping the people who don’t commit murder from having guns will lessen the number of those who do commit murder.
That since banning a few guns hasn’t helped, we should ban more.
That just like the anti-nuclear weapons movement used to believe, if the potential victims disarm, the oppressors will take pity on them and give up their weapons in remorse.
That oppressing gun owners until they violate the law justifies oppressing them further.
That “crime guns” and old police guns should be destroyed at government expense, because the cost of exorcising the evil spirits from them before selling them to lawful owners is exorbitant.
That raising the legal age to possess firearms from 18 to 21 will REALLY show those 16 year olds.
That inner-city blacks in public housing should be disarmed to prevent crimes, but not rich white suburbanites. And it isn’t a sign of racism.
That creating firearms crime by having a Byzantine code of firearm laws proves there’s a problem, and justifies more laws to create more crime.
That liberal parents who give guns to problem children to “teach them responsibility” are not responsible for the deaths they cause, but everyone else’s guns are.
That gun owners are a threat by existing that must be destroyed by any means possible and their rights are unimportant, but the thugs who attack us on the street whom the gun owners wish to be armed against are simply a problem we have to put up with.
That one should judge all gun owners by the acts of a few criminals, just like one should judge all blacks by the acts of a few inner-city crack dealers.
That making it harder to get firearms legally will reduce their illegal use, just like making it harder to get a prescription will cut down on the illicit drug trade.
That it’s tragic when a child dies in a firearms accident, and we must pass restrictive laws to prevent it, but children poisoned by household chemicals are simply unavoidable accidents.
That you don’t need a gun, therefore no one needs one, and you have the right to impose that belief and will on others.
That stupidity can be cured by legislation.
That societies with less guns have less killings by guns, just like societies with less cars have less vehicular homicide. This is deemed to be relevant.
That criminals who rob to support their drug habit can afford $65 a minute in ammunition for their automatic “Weapon of choice.”
That with nationwide gun control, the entire nation can be as safe as NYC, LA and Chicago.
That since a gun isn’t 100% effective for self defense, you should get rid of it, along with your first aid kit and fire extinguisher, since they aren’t 100% effective, either.
That if a violent criminal enters your house, you should do nothing and wait for the police arrive, just as you’d do nothing for an injury or fire and wait for the fire truck or the ambulance.
That if Chicago were to legalize firearms, it would have shootouts in the streets, which never happens now.
That it’s wrong to use tax dollars to finance private political agendas, unless that agenda is to ban guns.
That a “safe gun” will help stop criminal misuse of firearms just like “safe sex” works so well to stop rape.
That a cop with felonies on his record is safe with fully automatic weapons but a churchgoing mother with a parking ticket as her worst crime is unfit to use a pistol to protect her child.
That a suicide who used a gun would still be alive if he or she had used a knife or hanged himself or herself.
That someone else’s suicide is a problem for the rest of us that would be prevented if we gave up our guns.
That alcohol is acceptable in private, as long as the user doesn’t use it while driving, but mere possession of a gun is a threat to others.
That gun owners are unwilling to compromise, which is why there are only 20,000 gun laws in the US.
That criminals are better shots than civilians because of all the time they spend on the practice range.
That since criminals are better shots by the logic above, one is safer by not shooting back, but just waiting for them to run out of ammo.
That it’s reasonable to assume an accident would have been lethal if the victim wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, and reasonable to assume that an armed defender would have been safe even if they didn’t have a gun.
That one accidental death is too many, but thousands of people dying because the means of self-defense were not available is unavoidable and not worthy of worry.
That we should ban guns because people have a “right to feel safe,” but the right to feel safe by owning firearms for defense is not valid.
That it’s outrageous to count 18 and 19 year-old parents as “children” for statistical purposes, but perfectly acceptable to count them as children for purposes of exaggerating gun deaths among “children.”
That a zero-tolerance policy is bad regarding drugs, but a zero-tolerance policy is good regarding guns.
That martial arts are a better form of self-defense, and can defeat an armed opponent, but we still need to ban guns because of the danger they present to those few people who don’t know karate.
That government officials can be trusted with automatic weapons, but private citizens cannot, because of the number of people private citizens kill while kicking in doors without search warrants.
That an 18 year old can handle a machinegun and die defending another nation’s oil reserves, thereby being a hero, but an 18 year old who tries to defend his or her child with a gun belongs in jail.
That the few people who can’t use martial arts or other non-lethal means of self-defense—the young, the old, the infirm, the disabled, the weak, the small, and the pregnant—are simply the necessary sacrifice we must make to criminals to avoid the risks of letting people be armed. This is not bigotry.
That the dangers of guns outweigh their recreational uses, unlike alcohol and motorcycles.
That getting rid of guns reduces violence, so the military should be armed with bouquets of flowers.
That we should hang out at funeral homes to tell the families of the deceased how lucky they are their loved one was killed by a drunk and not a man with a gun.
That a conservative with a dozen guns is an “extremist,” and a liberal with a dozen guns is a “museum.”
That a team of cops shooting an unarmed citizen 19 times and not getting charged with murder is “law enforcement” but an old lady shooting a knife-wielding attacker is “vigilanteism,” and we should leave defense to the professionals.
That we should require trigger locks and safe storage facilities for all guns in order to prevent accidents, just like we require all household chemicals to be kept in a locked cabinet.
That a woman shooting a rapist is a felon.
That NORML is good for supporting legalization of a politically unpopular product, but the NRA is bad for supporting legalization of a politically unpopular product.
That poor people who live in high crime areas and can’t afford alarms shouldn’t be allowed to have guns either.
That telling a murderer he’ll go to jail for carrying a gun will make him think twice.
That the only way to end gun violence is to ban guns, just like the only way to end medical malpractice is to ban doctors.
That killing a triple murderer so you don’t become the fourth victim is “escalating the violence.”
That we should get rid of “junk guns” so that criminals are forced to use reliable high-quality guns.
That repealing laws that discriminate against gun-owners “endorses” guns, just like repealing laws that discriminate against gays “endorses” homosexuality.
That guns are designed only to kill, just like women are designed only to give birth.
That only people over 21 are allowed to defend themselves.
That we should ban guns because their primary purpose is to kill people, but we shouldn’t ban alcohol, which has its primary purpose getting intoxicated and losing control of the higher faculties, thereby increasing violence and accidental death.
That according to “Professor” Michael Bellesiles, the lack of mention of firearms in Colonial literature proves their scarcity, much like the lack of mention of outhouses proves their scarcity.
That somehow the above is more relevant to the 2nd Amendment than the lack of letters to public officials and newspapers is relevant to the 1st Amendment.
That a person who would commit violence with a gun would never do so with a knife.
That most people are seething cauldrons of potential violence who cannot be trusted with a gun, but most people are so decent that there is no need to carry a weapon for defense.
That a person foolish enough to leave a gun loaded and lying in reach of a child will somehow be responsible enough to attach a trigger lock.
That 83 million gun owners are “extremists,” and the 50,000 members of the Million Moron March are “the majority.”
That allowing concealed carry does not reduce crime through deterrence since some people do so even though it’s illegal, but allowing concealed carry increases crime, because more people carry guns and use them irresponsibly. (Brady Bunch)
That a woman buying a gun to defend herself against a violent ex needs five days to “cool off.”
That a woman being raped should refuse help from an armed stranger, and instead wait for the police.
That if the Million Moron March protesters feels threatened, they should ask police with guns to protect them while they tell everyone how worthless guns are for protection.
That a trauma surgeon’s experience in treating gunshot wounds makes him an expert on gun control legislation, just like an automobile body repair technician’s experience repairing cars makes him an expert on traffic laws.
That the typical town only needs one law enforcement officer per 1000 population, because most people are law abiding, but that it’s dangerous to let citizens carry weapons because most people are criminal.
That the risk of arrest for carrying a weapon on school grounds will stop a person bent on suicide from starting a shootout.
That felons should be denied the right to ever own a weapon, just like rapists should be castrated before being released from jail.
That the 1939 US vs Miller case, is “established law” that endorses gun control and the matter is closed, just like Plessy vs Ferguson endorsed “separate but equal” schools and the matter is closed.
That game wardens have the most dangerous job in the world, because everyone they deal with is armed.
That there’s no risk of the US becoming a police state, Japanese-Americans were not interned in the 40’s, blacks were not oppressed and jailed in the 50’s, and no students were killed at Kent State.
That when the government promises that they won’t confiscate our weapons after we register them, we can believe them, as did the Commanche, the Sioux, the Apache, the Kaw, the Cree, the Blackfoot, the Italians in NYC, the Jews in Germany, the Zulu in South Africa…and the Americans at Lexington and Concord.
That the government can control guns as well as it controls drugs.
That the high crime rate in cities with oppressive gun control proves the need for gun control in cities without gun control and with low crime.
That Charlton Heston, as president of the NRA, must be a racist, despite his marches with Dr. King in the 1960s. After all, all gun owners are racist, and that theory isn’t bigoted.
That we don’t need guns because America is safe, and only criminals or people wishing to start trouble would be out late at night in bad neighborhoods.
That according to Diane Whinestein, there is no left-wing conspiracy to send police and troops to imprison American gun owners, but there is a vast, right-wing conspiracy of gun owners who must be disarmed for attempting to stop it.
That .50 caliber weapons must be banned in case Americans use them to shoot holes in the armored cars that the government doesn’t own and isn’t going to send against them, also according to Diane Whinestein.
That ships using Australian waters mustn’t carry handguns against the mythical threat of piracy or mutiny, because some aspiring captain might sell them for a few bucks.
That gang punks shot by other gang punks are innocent victims, and babies shot by government agents deserve to die because of the unpopular beliefs of their parents.
That allowing the poor and minorities to defend themselves is Fascist.
That small arms can’t win wars, as all the Viet Cong bombing, air superiority, and naval missions prove.
That John Wayne, rejected by the Marines for bad knees, who portrayed firearms as used by soldiers and law enforcement is a draft-dodging agent of evil, but antigun draft dodger Sylvester Stallone, making movies about Vietnam veterans and using weapons gratuitously, is an American hero to be slobbered over.
That violence is bad, but any defensive use of a firearm that doesn’t involve the death of the perpetrator is invalid.
* * * *
(c) 2005 by Michael Z. Williamson. Permission is granted to copy for
Carnival Of Comedy 31 is Up At The Not So Daily Me
Go see The (not so) Daily Me - Carnival of Comedy #31 for your weekly Carnival of Comedy fix.
Hans (not Matt) is a tad bit late with the carnival but with good reason.
Plus he's got a few gripes about a lot of the entries and um, me. And he links the Scrappleface! Argh!
Oh well, nice job Hans (not Matt). Sorry the carnival submissions weren't all up to your standard of hahahainess. We can't all be spacemonkeys, now, can we?
December 01, 2005
Amazing Beliefs Part 3
Can't believe I forgot all about this. Since I'm too busy to blog, here is more amazing beliefs about guns from author Michael Z. Williamson:
* * * *
AMAZING BELIEFS PART 3
That handguns are useful only for murder, which is why the police and military define them as defensive weapons.
That neighbors who carry guns against the occasional lunatic are paranoid, because of the perfectly justifiable fear that every single one of them is waiting to turn into a lunatic.
That a majority of the population supports gun control, just like a majority of the population used to support owning slaves.
That one should ignore as idiots politicians who confuse Wicca with Satanism and exaggerate the gay community as a threat to society, but listen sagely to politicians who can refer to a self-loading small arm as a “weapon of mass destruction” and an “assault weapon,” use the term “bullet casing,” don’t know the difference between a “clip” and a “magazine,” and can’t tell the difference between an AKM, an MAK-90, and an SKS.
That there is no absolute right to a weapon, documented historically because the British government used to prohibit Catholics from owning guns. And that wasn’t a sign of religious bigotry. (Note: the British Constitution actually RESTORED to Protestants the right to own arms, which Catholic James II denied them)
That rifles with pistol grips are assault weapons, just like vehicles with racing stripes are sports cars.
That you don’t need a gun against invaders, because the government will know in plenty of time to issue you whatever weapons you need.
That Massachusetts is safer with bans on guns, which is why Teddy Kennedy has machinegun-toting guards.
That most people can’t be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by, because they can be trusted.
That a woman raped and strangled with her panties is morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet.
That Cary Nation, referring to wine and beer as “Demon Rum” and “Spirits” was an obvious kook, but Sarah Brady, and Diane Whinesteen referring to self-loading sporting rifles as “Military Assault Weapons” and “Weapons of Mass Destruction” are intellectuals.
That the “Right to keep and bear arms” refers to armorial badges and coats of arms, not to weapons. (Potomac-inc.org)
That guns should be banned because of the danger involved to the public, but live reporting from the battlefield, which can keep the enemy informed of troop deployments, getting thousands of troops killed and perhaps losing a war, is a protected act that CANNOT be compromised on.
That the right of explicit teenage pornographic websites to exist cannot be questioned because it is a constitutionally protected extension of the Bill of Rights, but the claim that handguns are for self-defense is merely an excuse, and not really protected by the Bill of Rights.
That the ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends certain parts of the Constitution, but the NRA is bad because it defends other parts of the Constitution.
That a house with a gun is three times as likely to have a murder, just like a house with insulin is three times as likely to have a diabetic.
That police operate in groups with backup, which is why they need larger capacity magazines than civilians, who must face criminals alone, and therefore need less ammunition.
That we must ban the sale of guns through classified ads in newspapers, in case a terrorist sees the ad, flies halfway around the world, buys the gun and uses it to commit an act of terror, rather than using one of the millions of weapons left behind by “responsible” governments after their colonial excesses.
That calling 911 and asking them to send a man with a gun to protect you is good, but cutting out the middleman by protecting yourself is bad.
That people who own guns out of a fear of crime are paranoid, but people who don’t want other people to own guns in case it causes them to commit crimes are rational.
That guns cause the high suicide rate in the US, even though Japan’s rate is almost three times higher.
That we should ban gun stores near schools, because of all the 10 year olds who are buying guns without parents’ permission.
That there is a statue called “Armed Freedom” in the Capitol, but that that is irrelevant to the intent of our ancestors.
That we should ban “Saturday Night Specials” and other inexpensive guns because it’s not fair that poor people have access to guns too.
That guns have no legitimate use, but alcohol does, which is why we issue cops guns instead of beer.
That police and soldiers are the dregs of society who were unfit to get any real job, which perfectly qualifies them with the high moral standards and keen intellects to handle these complicated tools and be our guardians.
That it’s acceptable to arm a courier at $6 an hour to shoot criminals for stealing bank deposits, but unacceptable for a college-educated business owner to do it himself.
That a registration plan will reduce crime, because criminals will register their guns despite the Supreme Court decision Haynes v. U.S. (309 U.S. 85, 1968) that registration violates self-incrimination.
That it’s reasonable to require proof of a criminal act before an order of protection can be issued, but reasonable to assume anyone with a gun will commit a criminal act, so they should be subject to prior restraint.
That teaching abstinence exclusively rather than use of condoms is doomed to fail, but encouraging absolute bans on guns rather than education in safe use is the only acceptable method of reducing crime.
That it is outrageous that civilians have rifles that were designed for the military for their own self defense, but perfectly okay to have polluting, potentially unstable, heavy vehicles that were designed for the military simply as status symbols.
That guns are the gravest threat to society because 83,000,000 gun owners didn’t commit a crime yesterday.
That it is essential to incorporate locks and sensors into guns to make them safer and that only a criminal would not support this, but cops and federal agents would be exempt for safety reasons because locks are unreliable and hinder access.
That a bank guard can protect money with a gun, but you cannot protect your children with one.
That all gun dealers sell illegal weapons, just like all black people sell drugs.
That crime is higher in urban areas with less guns, and we must continue to disarm the minorities in these areas because of the risk of crime, and that isn’t bigotry.
That an underpaid, overworked bodyguard should be glad to throw himself in front of a bullet for you.
That your safety is someone else’s responsibility, but they have no right to tell you how to live your life.
That guns are useless against tyranny, because an armed populace of 160 million cannot defeat an army of 2 million mixed in among it. Oddly, the person claiming this has no credentials in strategic operations.
That if the above is true, we should not be terrified of the concept of that government holding control of our lives and freedom at its whim.
That the piecemeal destruction of the right to keep and bear arms makes the right useless, and therefore justifies destroying it further.
That one should be more afraid of one’s spouse blowing a gasket and shooting the children, than of those children being run over by a hormone-driven teenager in a car.
“It can’t happen here.”
That people are too stupid to handle guns, but are intelligent enough to vote.
That guns are not an effective means of self-defense, which is why police carry them.
That one can “study” the “gun issue,” but not know the difference between an assault rifle and a battle rifle.
That the NRA, with over 4 million members, is “out of touch” with America, and HCI, with 50 thousand members, is a “mandate from the people.”
That a baseball bat is good protection against a burglar, provided his gun fires baseballs.
That to judge a group by secondhand news and hearsay is bigotry, unless that group is the NRA.
That the National Defense Act of 1916 doesn’t exist.
That pricing products out of the reach of poor people through excessive regulation is discriminatory practice, unless that product is a gun.
That manufacturers are not responsible for damages caused by their products, unless that product is a gun.
That trigger locks and other devices make guns safer, which is why the police and military refuse to use them.
That registration of guns will help law enforcement, because that way they won’t need probable cause and a warrant to conduct a search.
That registration of guns, which makes their existence a matter of public knowledge under the FOIA, isn’t dangerous to owners.
That registration of guns, in violation of the McClure-Volkmer Act, and as declared unconstitutional by the Supreme Court, is somehow still legal.
That the gun-toting rednecks at Saratoga and Yorktown caused the Revolution, and the British forces were intent on providing peace to North America.
That private citizens making private sales of private property is a “loophole.”
That the existence of weapons not banned by previous laws is a “loophole.”
That making it harder to get a license to sell firearms legally will reduce the number of people selling illegally.
That it’s safer to do nothing than resist with a gun, which is why the military wins so many wars by not fighting.
That we must close shooting ranges because of the noise, but ban silencers because they are quiet.
That owning a gun for self-defense indicates an intent to kill, just like owning a first aid kit indicates an intent to impersonate a physician.
That guns are an “epidemic” even though we can’t treat them with penicillin.
That there’s no right to own military weapons, which is why the Civilian Marksmanship Program at http://www.odcmp.com exists to sell military weapons to civilians under Congressional authority.
That suggesting teachers be armed is an outrageous suggestion for a “civilized” society, which is why the Swiss and Israelis do it.
That making it harder and harder for even cops to have guns on school property will somehow make it harder for lunatics to kill the utterly helpless students.
That accidents with a product justify banning the product, even though MADD has never called for a ban on alcohol, people actively push to legalize drugs, and no one wants to ban swimming pools, so basically it’s only practical items like guns we should ban and not the luxury items that are essential to human survival.
That a high percentage of immigrants own guns as an overreaction to the living conditions in their nations of origin, but the US should try to emulate those nations’ gun control and social policies.
That the 14th Amendment requires states to accept each other’s drivers licenses, even with age or vision requirement differences, marriage licenses even with age or relationship differences or if it’s a gay marriage, but somehow doesn’t apply to licenses to carry weapons.
That the same people who build illegal high-tech drug labs for less than $30,000 won’t build illegal low-tech gun shops for less than $10,000.
That people with large gun collections are dangerous, especially if they have more than two hands to shoot with.
* * * *
(c) 2005 by Michael Z. Williamson. Permission is granted to copy for
Let's Say You Were On The Internet.
Good day Y'all
Let's Say You Are On The Internet.... Ok you are on the internet
Why? Because if you won't then Frank will allow Glenn to blend your favorite puppy/kitten/hobo.
Update: We are just 11 votes out of the top ten! For some reason votes are slow to show up after being entered. At least mine was. Yes, I voted for my/our own podcast.
Man, there are so many jokes I could write about executing Tookie - not to mention all the other issues out there - if I only had some time.
Make some Tookie jokes/commentary in the comments so I at least feel that subject was covered.
Now if I could only make time for my rant about "Kwanzaa"...
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