Estella

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Estella.

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What's the story behind your name? Some of my friends said I was a modern-day version of Estella, from Great Expectations. I'm not exactly known for my empathy, I suppose. Thus, "Modern Day Estella"

Where do you live? Just a small town in central Louisiana ... but I'm one of those Katrina exiles from New Orleans. Most of my family moved back, but I opted out of living in a coastal bowl. Instead, I chose a nice little town where gentlemen carry your groceries to the car for you, and almost everyone has a gun rack and a hunting dog.

How old are you? 25

Tell us briefly about yourself. Wellllll, I'm a lawyer, and a former competitive rock-climber ... fiscally conservative but socially libertarian ... and a die-hard metalhead. I've played in several bands you've never heard of, and are probably glad not to have heard of.

For my 25th birthday, I got myself a s&w model 640 .357, and it's my baby. My boyfriend's dad is an instructor at the range, and I love going with him to shoot. There's little better than bonding over revolvers!

I'm a member of the Federalist Society. I've read the Federalist Papers in their entirety several times.

And I want to start a movement to bring fun, excessively violent games back to P.E. in grammar schools. Life without dodgeball, melting candles freeze tag, tackle kickball, medic, and Death Soccer simply isn't worth living. Do we really want the upcoming generation to be total wimps and hippies?

When I draw liberals, I always imagine them wearing pointy hats. Why is that? It takes a pointy hat to cover a pointy head I'd assume said pointy hat is made of tinfoil?

How long have you been reading IMAO? Since sometime around early 2005

What's your favorite IMAO post? I love "In My World" and anything with Aquaman. Especially Aquaman having a bad day. And I like any about guns.

What's you favorite political issue? Political corruption, specifically politicians who claim to be in it for the "little man" getting caught with their hands in the proverbial cookie jar. I also get pretty passionate about constitutional law debates. I've been involved in some Second Amendment cases.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Nope, I don't have a website. I'm somewhat of a luddite. My computer is a glorified typewriter with spotty internet access.

Where have all the flowers gone? Wherever they are, hopefully the so-called "flower children" will follow them, and never ever come back. Damn hippies. We need to come up with a way to use hippie-stench as a renewable energy source if they won't simply disappear of their own accord. Nah, it can be a non-renewable energy source. Like the human goo from The Matrix ... or Soylent Green! Yeah! A new use for the Green Party!

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If you commented in the original post that you want to be included, you're still in the running. Eventually I'll have another post asking for who wants to participate, so keep reading. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

John Edwards believes that "NFL" stands for "Nightly Fix of Lifetime".

Kos has never really been a particularly smart person. His political insights are simplistic at best and more often than not just a hysterical reaction to something that made his wee brain mad (though often he'll erase those later). Also, he never has incentive to be smarter because the Daily Kos comment system is designed to weed out anyone who might attempt critical thinking.

A while ago, he compared Republicans to the Taliban and Al Qaeda, his mind figuring, "Me no like Republicans. Me know me no supposed to like Taliban. So Republicans just like Taliban! Me figure how!" Of course, if Republicans were actually like the Taliban and Al Qaeda, then he'd finally spend time denouncing the Taliban and Al Qaeda.

Anyway, one guy said something, so Kos done figure that proved his point comparing millions of his fellow Americans to sub-human murders. But my real point is that Kos is just like a pedophile.

SIMILARITIES OF PEDOPHILES AND KOS

Pedophiles and Kos: Takes advantage of those with limited mental facilities.

Pedophiles and Kos: Shunned by most of society.

Pedophiles and Kos: Think their creepy behavior is justified.

Pedophiles and Kos: Make idiotic arguments to support their views.

Pedophiles and Kos: Common catchphrase: "Screw 'em!"

Now that Alberto Gonzales has resigned, he'll have a lot of time on his hands. How will he fill it? I speculate thusly:

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* Figure out why everyone keeps telling him they "don't need no steenkin' badges".

* Be seen in the same room as Speedy Gonzales to finally quell the rumors about them being the same person.

* Make midnight prank calls to those jackass prosecutors who got so snippy about being fired.

* Team up with Rumsfeld & Rove to form a Rush tribute band.

* No, I meant the rock group.

* Start a grassroots organization dedicated to bringing back the IMAO podcast.

* Keep playing Minesweeper 8 hours a day, just like when he worked for Bush. That game is like CRACK, I tell you!

* Accept the role of the hilariously mis-matched Hispanic sidekick in the remake of "Dirty Harry".

* Hang out in the Home Depot parking lot with the rest of his family.

* Write his obligatory insider tell-all book, tentatively titled "Hasta la Vista, Bushy!"

* Subtitled "Pendejo Estupido"

* See if Fred Thompson is interested in making an Affirmative Action hire.

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Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go see if he's got my lawn mowed yet.

Fred Thompson will be announcing in less than a week, so we all must prepare. First off, I'd like to know what are your favorite Fred Thompson facts. You can look either here on IMAO or at a more nicely presented list here. I ask because I want to do some more facts merchandise to get your sweet sweet money. Muh ha ha ha!

Silver Age Fred Thompson could easily destroy mountains with a single punch, but the current Fred Thompson, while still the world's most powerful politician, is considerably depowered.

Politico is saying it's the 6th of September that Fred Thompson will announce while Red State says it will be 4:30 today (i.e., less than an hour from when I write this). At least no one is saying October anymore.

I think you'll want a shirt for the occasion.

UPDATE:

Apparently what will be announced five minutes from as I write this update is that he will announce on September 6th.

UPDATE 2:

It's official. September 6th he'll be entering the race. He won't be in the Republican debate on the 5th and instead have an appearance on Leno.

With a firm date, excitement begins to return. Soon there will be Fred Thompson.

Pork & Beans

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Pork & Beans.

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What's the story behind your name? I wrote a practice on vernacular for my writing instructor in college that had to do with eating pork & beans. She loved it and most everything else that I wrote. I signed all my homework with that name. At the end of the term she suggested I read Twain’s and Patrick McMannus’ books; she said they have that “pork & beans” flavor. Kinda stuck.

Where do you live? I live on a wide spot in the road in rural western Oregon called Kings Valley.

How old are you? 51, but I feel older most times.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I grew up in the area where I live. I worked as a logger for many years (that’s why I hate those filthy stinkin’ hippies!). After my body started to break down, I worked for a major printer manufacturer as a technician for 11 years. Now I’m laid-off and looking for work. My wife and I breed Siberian Huskies and that helps a little.

Who would win in a fight between Wolverine and Aquaman if the fight were underwater (remember that Wolverine can't breathe underwater)? Also, Wolverine's claws are broken, he's hung over, and he put his mask on backwards. Who would win? I can’t breathe underwater, don’t have claws, I’m extremely hung over, put my pants on backwards, and even I could probably kick Aquaman’s butt. Wolverine, hands down!

How long have you been reading IMAO? Three or four years I think.

What's your favorite IMAO post? I have to say “Frank the Artist” is my favorite. You are an artistic and comic genius! I love Newsish Fakery (my photoshop work was posted there once).” There was a post by Lawrence Simon about your’s and his trip to the Olive Garden that was great. And, anything by Harvey.

What's you favorite political issue? It’s all so maddening, but too important to ignore. The things democrats do to win just boils my blood. My state is “vote by mail.” My mail carrier is a stinkin’ hippie with Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers on her old Volvo station wagon. Our county (Benton) voted for socialized medicine when this blue state voted it down by 70%. I’m sure my ballot hasn’t been counted since 2000.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Yes I have two. One is for our dog breeding business(it was built using MS Publisher so it needs to be viewed in IE) and the other is a blog I just started. I aspire to write like Patrick McMannus and thought I’d start writing funny stories about growing up here along with other things that come to mind. It’s pretty lame and only has one real post on it, but it’s a true story (I’ll embellish later). http://skipnrocks.blogspot.com. Be kind!

How would you protect the borders? Personally, I’d have the oil companies build several refineries in Mexico first. Then I’d launch a full scale invasion on Latin America and conquer everything to the Columbian border. Panama would be broken into two states separated by the canal. The state of South Panama would become our largest military base. Our Southern border would be less then one hundred miles and a ten mile strip to the north would be firing range for all weaponry. Otherwise, I’d utilize S.M.I.T.E or the Mexi-Cannon.

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If you commented in the original post that you want to be included, you're still in the running. Eventually I'll have another post asking for who wants to participate, so keep reading. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Still on John Edwards's "unsolved mysteries" list - why is there always a line of guys facing the wall when he enters a men's restroom?

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards doesn't get what's funny about Animal House and Blazing Saddles.

(As the IMAO readers sit quietly in their bathoom stalls, reading IMAO magazine, a tapping noise is heard in the stall next door. A hand emerges under the stall wall and gives a wave.)

You know what time it is?

No, not THAT, Senator Craig!! Somebody get this sicko out of here, please.

That's the signal for Ask Dr. Duck. Well, no, it's also the signal for give me toilet paper. And the signal for "Howdy, Sailor" but let's go with the first definition.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's face it: You have sad lives.

Sad, sad, sad. That's why you read IMAO. This site makes you laugh.

Truly sad.

But it's not all bad. From time to time, Dr. Duck emerges for his stall, I mean, office and offers the kind of sound advice that leaves you asking an important question: "When are we finally going to get socialized medicine?"

Sometimes people say, "Why can't you just shut up? Your last piece of advice got me shot at/divorced/fired/separated." I can't help it, folks.

I care.

That's why Dr. Duck (graduate of the Colegio de Sicologia y Tapiceria de Tijuana) is here to help you with the questions that most plague your mind and keep you from focusing on the things you need to be doing. Such as working. Or not working. Hey, I don't judge the freaks, I just hep them.

So what's on your mind? Relationships? Life? Politics?

Ask the questions and Dr. Duck will have the answers up soon.

I sometimes use a wide stance (an isosceles) at the gun range. If that ever gets misinterpreted, it could be a bloodbath.

Two dogs preparing to be pitted against each other.

I thought you should hear it from me before you hear it the news. Yesterday, the police came to my house to break up a dog quizzing ring I've been running, alleging I've been cruelly pitting dogs against each other in categories such as math, science, history, and pop culture. They confiscated my Trivial Pursuit cards and said they could take my dog Rowdi away if I ask her any question more academic than, "Who's a good girl?"

Yes, I do run dog quizzing rings, but I don't think I should have to apologize for that. Animal rights people say its cruel since dogs aren't very good at academics and tend to get laughed at a lot in these competitions -- especially since we make them wear mortarboards -- which they say can hurt canine self-esteem. I say these competitions are great for dogs; it used to be that dogs could get by just herding sheep or scaring away trespassers, but today's jobs such as leading the blind and searching for explosives takes education. That's what these quizzing rings do: They prepare today's dogs for the jobs of tomorrow. Also, it's so cute when they hit the buzzer with their paws and bark an answer.

Now, I guess I can see why some people might look upon this as abhorrent, but you have to understand that it's a cultural thing. Putting silly hats on dogs and asking them quiz questions is just something white people do. The whiter we are, the more likely we are to do it. It's not that I don't love my dog; it's just I love her more when she excels academically.

WASHINGTON (AP) - In a concilliatory statement, President Bush recognized Iran's right to pursue the development of atomic weapons, and promised that the US would be supportive of their efforts.

"Every nation," said the President, "whether a freedom-loving democracy or a dictatorial, Allah-worshipping hellhole, has the right to develop atomic weapons. It is my intent to see that Iran's President Ahmadinejad gets those weapons."

Free nuclear weapons for Iran (some re-assembly required)

"Specifically," Bush clarified, "in the form of a dozen 10-megaton mushroom clouds, which those psychotic Muslim bastards may attempt to reverse-engineer to their hearts' content. Assuming their hearts haven't been vaporized by the intial blast or melted into organic goo by the radioactive fallout."

Addressing criticisms that the US would be acting unilaterally, Mr. Bush explained that the support of Iran's nuclear program would be an international effort. "Israel, for example, has been itching to do some above-ground testing of their fissionables. I've invited them to join in the fun with us. I just hope Ahmedinejad doesn't mind getting a few Jewclear weapons dropped on his front porch."

In a Tehran news conference, Iran's President scoffed at the threat of military action against his regime, saying that "even if they were to decide to do so, they would be unable to carry it out."

Bush responded calmly to the defiance. "I suppose Amedinejad - or 'Amy' as I like to call him - is right. Americans certainly don't seem to have the cojones for a decent war these days. That's why I intend to start with diplomatic pressure. Specifically, economic sanctions. More specifically, a declaration of economic sanctions duct-taped to a 10-megaton warhead."

A still-defiant 'Amy' then mocked America's lack of determination in Iraq. "The political power of the occupiers is collapsing rapidly," he said. "Soon, we will see a huge power vacuum in the region. Of course, we are prepared to fill the gap."

A completely unimpressed Bush replied, "Not if we fill the gap with high-energy neutrons first."

They're banning tag? You can't draw a picture of a gun and you can't even chase each other; it's like some people out there won't be satisfied until every boy grows up to have a wide stance.

At least they still haven't banned my favorite playground game: bare-knuckle boxing.

Aww, man. Am I going to have to write posts again today? Well, I'll get to that and you can check out links from Conservative Grapevine such as:

The Diplomad: In order to save the world from global warming, Bullwinkle must die.

Newsbusters: Less than half of published scientists endorse global warming theory

Cracked: The 8 most embarrassing musical performances by non-musicians

Hot Air: Again: off-duty cop killed by illegal alien drunk driver

Conservative Grapevine: It's fun to click on links!

Fred Thompson once punched out the entire state of Massachusetts.

as told to IMAO.

John Edwards recently suggested that American's give up their SUV's in order to save the environment. Sometimes, quotes can be taken out of context. We felt it only fair, in the interest of balance, to air this Public Service Announcement.

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This has been a public service announcement. John Edwards is the author of the book Don't Tease: A Guide To International Diplomacy and Haircare. He is also running for President of the United States.

Hebert

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Hebert.

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What's the story behind your name? My parents named me Hebert. It's from the Bible.

Where do you live? Tacoma, Washington.

How old are you? 22 years old

Tell us briefly about yourself. I have a hilarious job (well…the disconnect between what I imagined my job would be when I was a kid and the job I ended up with is hilarious) that pays much more than I'm worth because I have a degree from an expensive school which I couldn't afford. The system works!

I don't think I like you. Why is that? There are lots of possible reasons. You might resent the fact that I'm funnier than you. And smarter. And that I'm better looking than you and that my girlfriend is prettier than your wife. Or, you may just resent my malignant narcissism.

However, if any of those are the reasons, then an additional reason would be that you're crazy, because most of those aren't even remotely true.

Maybe the reason you don't think you like me is that you just don't think about me at all. Which is fine. Nobody else does either.

Whatever the reason, should I assume that you do think you don't like me? (Gets out pen and list of names…) Just curious…

How long have you been reading IMAO? Umm…two years, I think.

What's your favorite IMAO post? I like Frank the Artist. Also, whenever the crazy monkey posts (not spacemonkey, the dumb monkey.)

[Not spacemonkey? -Ed.]

What's you favorite political issue? Imperialism! For fun and profit! Like this:

"Everything looks good from here... Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive."

( Stegosaurus) "We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... 'This Land'."

(T-Rex) "I think we should call it...your grave!"

(Stegosaurus) "Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"

(T-Rex) "Ha ha HA! Mine is an evil laugh...now die!"

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Yes, I have a myspace page that I put together in High School. At least, I think I do, but I can't find it.

If you could fire liberals out of a cannon, what would fire them at? Uhhhh....Helen Hunt, maybe. Or the Bahamas. Probably the Bahamas.

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If you commented in the original post that you want to be included, you're still in the running. Eventually I'll have another post asking for who wants to participate, so keep reading. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Open thread for declaring that you're not gay and never have been gay.

BTW, I'm not gay and never have been gay.

John Edwards invented the "Eek! It's a spider!" dance.

Bonus Fact from Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards had to stop using his Clapper because of the severe bruising he suffered from just using it one time.

I don't get why putting in foot baths for Muslims at schools is such a problem. I guess its because most people don't really see the point in washing their feet. Well, why don't places just start putting in bidets. Muslims can use them to wash their feet and everyone else can use them to wash their bums. Everyone is happy. That's synergy, people.

One of my favorite Scrubs moments.

WASHINGTON (AP) - Average scores on the reading and math sections of the SAT test declined slightly this year, indicating that America's teenagers are dumber than ever. This news was greeted by jubilation from Democrats across the country.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi explained her party's barely-suppressed giddiness. "The fact is, Democrats have nothing to offer the average intelligent, self-sufficient person. All we can do is take advantage of drooling idiots who want to put their lives in the hands of the Nanny State. Our only shot at political power is the votes of people who are too dumb to think for themselves. This time, it's the jackpot. Think for themselves? Hell, these pierced & tatted Avril wanna-be's can barely think at all!"

Ms. Pelosi took time out to dance a merry jig of happiness before continuing. "If current stupidity trends continue - and, like global warming, there's no reason to think this trend could be just a minor statistical blip based on bad data - the US will be solid blue, ocean to ocean, by 2015, which my mathematical skills tell me is an election year. The only obstacle currently standing in our way is the fact that the word 'vote' is longer and more difficult than 'cat' or 'dog'."

However, some people objected to being called "mega-tard-tastic" just because of piss-poor standardized test scores. Miss Teen USA contestant Lauren Upton (Miss South Carolina) explained her point of view:

Afterwards, Ms. Pelosi danced another jig.

I was thinking I would be neglecting my civic duty if I didn't offer some suggestions for Attorney General to replace Alberto Gonzales. According to Wikipedia, the United States Attorney General is "the head of the United States Department of Justice concerned with legal affairs and is the chief law enforcement officer of the United States government fart poopie boogers."

So who best fits that description?

Robocop: Robocop was my first reaction. He is part man, part machine, all cop. Robocop is good at enforcing laws. Also, he has a gun in his leg. He would be programmed with these directives:

1. Serve the public trust
2. Protect the innocent
3. Uphold the law
4. (Classified)

I'm guessing the fourth one is something that would allow him to break the other directives in the case of helping a Bush-Cheney dictatorship, but who knows.

"Dirty" Harry Callahan: I think it would be perfect for the chief law enforcement officer to be a rogue cop who doesn't play by the rules. Of course, this could be trouble for him at his confirmation hearings as Democrats would proclaim, "We can't confirm him! He's a rogue cop! And not just a rogue cop; a rogue cop who doesn't play by the rules!" Callahan would then say, "Rules are made to be broken, just like your nose!" And then he'd punch the Democrat in the face, because that's what Callahan does: He punches liberals in the face when they get in the way of justice!

Horatio Cain: C.S.I. from Miami, notable for often committing more homicides than he solves. I'm not even sure if C.S.I.s usually even carry guns, but he's always running in ahead of S.W.A.T. teams and what not shooting suspects. Anyway, he has a great analytical mind. Also, he has sunglasses. If someone got in a legal dispute with him, he be like, "That would be a matter for..." Dramatically puts on his sunglasses. "...the Supreme Court." Steps off to the side while a song by The Who starts to play.

Well, that's all the ideas I have for Attorney General. It's kinda a boring job. Maybe it would be more interesting if the Attorney General got some sort of jet copter so he could fly around and quickly enforce laws. The jet copter should have missiles. "Aiee! It's the Attorney General!" criminals would yell upon site of his jet copter breaking up their drug dealing. Now that's U.S. justice!

I'm tired and busy. Maybe I just won't write anything today. Maybe I've decided blogging is for losers. While you're waiting for my decision in that regard, you can check out links from Conservative Grapevine such as:

CNN Money: The richest (and poorest) places in the U.S.

Noemie Emery: The paranoid style of the American left.

Sci Fi Tech: The top 10 tech toys for the filthy rich

No Oil for Pacifists: Cartoon of the day: Democrats want it both ways on the surge.

Conservative Grapevine: The Adventure of Links

Before Fred Thompson can announce his candidacy for president, his campaign has to file an environmental impact statement.

John Hawkins has a list of what he says are the top ten South Park episodes. Now, I can't quite comment on them because apparently there are some later seasons of South Park where I don't think I've seen any of the episodes, but I disagree with his number one pick. While that is one of my all time favorite episodes, I think Underwear Gnomes (his number three pick) is there best ever episodes. The scene where the gnomes explain their plans to make money from stealing underwear is one of the most memorable and quotable scenes of any TV show, plus how many shows have you ever seen where the moral of the episode is that big corporations are good?

UPDATE:

Ace is right; Scott Tenorman Must Die was a genius episode and should be on there somewhere. It was played realistically of what would happen if a ten year old tried to outsmart a teenager... until the awesome finale.

"Ohhh, the tears of unfathomable sadness, mmm, yummy… yummy you guys!"

George guy

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's George guy.

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What's the story behind your name? I was named George after my grandfather, and I'm a guy.

Where do you live? State College, Pennsylvania. It's basically the armpit of Penn State
University.

How old are you? 21.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I'm an artist for the most part, even though I didn't get through art
school. I blame the evil socialist public school system for squelching my ambition. I was going to get into animation, but it was really hard, so until I can try again I'm cleaning houses.

If you were to condense IMAO into one word, what would it be? Plausible.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Close to 3 years, I think.

What's your favorite IMAO post? This one: http://www.imao.us/archives/001840.html. I think it's the
first really funny one I read.

What's you favorite political issue? Education, if that can be called a political issue. I rather like the idea of having kids some day and it's rather depressing to see all the crap going on in the schools these days. I don't think education should be a political issue. The fact that politicians have a say in what goes on with schools is itself a problem.

If education doesn't count, I'd go with federalism. Keeping government localized is a good way to keep the liberals and their insane policies contained before we get to the point where we can seize power and punch them all in their dumb monkey faces.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. http://thinginess.comicgenesis.com It's a sort of surreal serial adventure comic strip. Among other things, it has environmentalists getting slaughtered. I should have another page up by the end of the month.

The bomb will go off in three more seconds. Red wire, black wire, blue wire, green wire: Which do you cut? I'd rule out the blue one because that's nobody's favorite color except for the UN, and they don't use bombs so much as stern condemnations. Red's the favorite color of communists, but they're all environmental now and bombs make too much carbon dioxide, contributing to global warming. Green would be out too in that case except that it's also the Muslims' favorite color, so I'm inclined to go with green. They could just as easily choose black, but I don't think they'd want to be associated with emo punk kids, as that lifestyle is a form of devil worship invented by the Jews and Americans in the 19th century, so they say.

[I think you used up your three seconds. -Ed.]

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If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

He does like to taunt us.

I asked you all for some chants for Muslim clerics to replace "Death to America," and you all delivered. Here are the runners up that get regular praise:

"Hey hey! Ho ho! That Zionist entity’s got to go!"
from Exurban Jon

"Allah, Allah he's our man,
If he can't do it no one can!!"
from dRoast

"Vote Democrat!"
from Raving Lunatic

"Oh Allah... you're so fine... we blow ourselves up all the time... Hey Allah! *clap clap clap* Hey Allah!"
from DesertElephant

"That'll do, pig... that'll do."
from AlanABQ

"WOLVERINES!!!"
from Powered by Guinness

"Bomb on: apply directly to the JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!!!"
from Hazel

"Global Jihad. So easy a caveman could do it."
from G Fresh

And the winner of High Praise is...

Read More...

John Edwards thinks it's weird that all his buddies' shirts button from the right.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
In an attempt to change the impression that he is effeminate, John Edwards has taken to ordering his Shirley Temple WITHOUT the cherry!

Bonus Fact from AlanABQ:
John Edwards really does read Playboy for the articles - but ONLY for the articles.

I was just thinking how much impeachment of Bush or Cheney would hurt this country. I really hope liberals don't push for that.

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

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Reader submissions:

From Handsome Bill:

From Ron Rockstar:

From George K (with a hat tip to Sondra K)

From Doug (via Steve):

From Chris:

From AlanABQ:

From Brian Thorn of Java With "Joe Bag of Doughnuts":

From Hazel:

From FormerHostage:

From Bob in Feenicks:

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Oy. Republicans really don't need bad publicity like Senator Larry Craig right now. I'm sure the nutroots are in full gay-bashing mode right now. That whole thing is just really sad and creepy (and thus extra bad for the Romney campaign with which Craig was associated; they already had problem with the "creepy" label). I guess Republicans can at least take solace in the face that when this sort of thing happens, we tend to get them out of office. That's why we shouldn't stand for Democrats to say a word about this, because who do they have in office right now? There a globular, drunken mass that drove a car into a river and left a woman to die while he ran for his lawyer. There the guy who had a male prostitution ring ran out of his apartment. More recently, there's the guy with bribe money in his freezer. And which party has a former Klansman as Senator?

See, at least we can say about the Republicans is that, when one of them does lewd conduct in a public restroom, it's news. With Democrats, that's a dog bites man story right there. Really, no one can be a Democrat politician and have any morals because then they wouldn't be able to work with most of their colleagues. The only criticism Democrats can say to Republicans is, "That's what you get for having morals! You should all be freaks like us! Freeeeeaks!"

Maybe that could be made into a new slogan:

"The Republican Party: We get rid of our weirdos."

Harvey noticed that a fake news story he wrote has been picked up by Google News. The post was clearly labeled "Newish Fakery," but maybe "newish" is close enough to news for today's standards. I searched for "impeachment" in Google News, and my latest article on why we should encourage impeachment came up, making IMAO one of the few news organizations seriously talking about impeachment of the president and vice president. I also saw here in the referrals that someone in the UK got here by checking Google News for dinosaurs and finding my proposal for dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them to fight terrorists. And, yes, Fred Thompson Facts are in there for anyone searching for news on Fred Thompson.

I guess IMAO needs a newsy slogan like "All the news we felt like writing today." Have at it in the comments and the best one will win...

High Praise!

(that reminds me; I still need to pick someone for High Praise from this post, and there were a ton of excellent submissions)

UPDATE:

Another entry from myself:

"We never verified it's not true."

You're probably saying, "Why hasn't Frank put up a post yet?!" Well, I have no idea, but while I find out you can check out links from Conservative Grapevine such as:

The Sun: British politician also works as a stripper.

Little Green Footballs: Kos Kid: George W. Bush's property should be seized

Global Politician: The ten postulates of political correctness.

Emily Yoffe: Unbearably trampy back-to-school clothes.

Conservative Grapevine: Links for your lifestyle.

Fred Thompson knows the airspeed velocity of a unladen swallow (African and European).

I found this video quite amusing, although I suppose - in a way - it's really a subtle commentary on our younger generation's tragic lack of patriotism.

If you actually read all those wordy-words at the bottom, you'll find that there might be something you can do about it.

Patriot Xeno

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Patriot Xeno.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? Nothing exciting. I adopted (stole from Orson Scott Card) Xenocide as my name for Counter Strike, which was shortened to Xeno, and added the Patriot when I started blogging just because it sounded cool. I'm pretty sure Grim suggested it - I probably was thinking something like "Xeno the Impaler" or something.

Where do you live? Just a small town in northern Indiana that nobody's ever heard of. 2 stoplights - it's fantastic. If I could live there the rest of my life I would.

How old are you? 26.

Tell us briefly about yourself. Just your typical ultra conservative Christian Marine nerd. I shoot guns, despise hippies and wish Batman was real.

If you saw a monkey faced liberal but had your hands tied behind your back, what would you do? Well not bite him, that's for sure. There's no telling where he's been.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Since late '04 - Grim emailed me one of your articles saying "dude, this guy is you, only funny"

What's your favorite IMAO post? Probably this one "http://www.imao.us/archives/002843.html ", but there are some other great In My Worlds, and I'm pretty partial to Know Thy Enemy and the Aquaman bits.

What's you favorite political issue? Tough call, with all the big ones out there I get fired up about, but I'd have to with either taxation (it's out of control) or the ridiculous regulations they keep imposing on legitimate businesses ( i.e. no smoking in restaurants, no trans fat, osha, etc)

Are you aware that Batman is by far the greatest superhero? Yes.

[I don't remember asking that. -Ed.]

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Yes, rhog.blogspot.com. It's pretty awesome - we went to war with China a while back and totally thrashed them because they banned our site (but no more!) My buddy from college (Citizen Grim) started it with me a couple years back, largely influenced by IMAO. We used to post a lot more but we've gotten a lot busier. Which is ok, since I will never again write anything as good as my older stuff - especially the eHarmony saga.

You met my brother at Marine OCS; is he as dumb as he looks? He's good people, I'd have no qualms about him watching my back.

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

John Edwards once spent three days tied to a chair after accidentally spraying himself with Silly String.

NEW ORLEANS (AP) - In a speech Sunday, Presidential candidate Barack Obama promised to make re-building New Orleans his top priority, saying that he would restore the promise of America's "Chocolate City".

Obama stands in front ofa scale model of the Chocolate Waterfall that will become a centerpiece of the new New Orleans.

"It's been two years since Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans," said Obama, "and President Bush has done nothing to restore this city to its former glory. I will change all that. In order to cut through the red tape of re-building, I will eliminate the cumbersome bidding process and instead award the construction contracts to whichever company finds the lucky 'Golden Tickets' hidden under the wrappers of Chocolate City Candy Bars."

"To further speed up the process," continued Obama, "we will eliminate all requirements for expensive union labor. Instead, my plan calls for the importation of the entire Oopma Loompa tribe. These small but energetic workers will get the job done in half the time of worthless Teamsters or lazy Mexicans."

"Finally, Lake Pontchartrain will be filled with delicious, creamy cocoa, while the levees will be re-inforced with millions of Snickers Bars," said Obama, drooling slightly with hunger. "I believe this will give America the Chocolate City of its dreams. A city where delicious sweets - whether red, yellow, brown, blue, or orange - will be able to live together in harmony, regardless of the color of their candy shell."

We must stop the Democrats from impeaching the president or vice president! That would bring great despair to my dark Republican heart! I can't imagine anything as terrible as that; it's even worse than poor people being able to vote!

Political news has been slow lately. I think it's time for impeachments.

Being impeached would make Cheney as happy as watching a puppy slowly die.

The nutroots were obsessed with Alberto Gonzales, but now that he's resigned they're probably going to focus more on President Bush and Vice President Cheney and demand impeachment for how they set fire to orphanages and eat kittens or whatever the hell it is the nutroots have imagined they've done. I think impeachment could be a lot of fun, so we need to encourage them to pressure the Democrats on this. The best way is reverse psychology. All we bloggers should post things like "Impeaching the president or vice president would be super unpatriotic!" and "We must stop the left from impeachment!" or "Don't throw the president or the vice president in the brier patch! Anything but that!"

Then the nutroots will wring their tiny little hands and squeal, "Yes! Impeachyment! We get teach righty neocons good with impeachyment! Hee hee hee!"

What will make this so much fun is that the nutroots really fear VP Cheney. See, they haven't thought this (or anything else, for that matter) through because there is no easy way to impeach a vice president (probably because our forefather never imagined people so nutty as to want to impeach a vice president). If they go after President Bush, expect Cheney to be standing on the sidelines the whole time saying, "Yes! Soon the power will be mine! Then I will kill you all! Muh ha ha ha!" It would be very distracting. And, if the Democrats were successful in removing President Bush, there would be no way they could then stop President Cheney before he used the office of the president to harshly punish all his enemies. It would be both horrific and awesome.

If they go after Cheney first, it will be even more fun. Constitutionally Cheney gets to preside over his own impeachment since the vice president gets to preside over all such matters in the Senate (the only exception is made for the impeachment of the president). That means he could rule his own trial with an iron fist!

CHENEY: You spoke out of turn, so you get handcuffed for an hour to the Chimp of Punishment!

SENATOR: But the chimp likes the bite!

CHENEY: Exactly! Muh ha ha ha!

CHIMP OF PUNISHMENT: Eee! Eee!

Cheney would be able to draw the whole thing out just to torture Senate Democrats until his term naturally expired (or he and Bush form their dictatorship).

I really don't see a downside to this; it's just going to be lots and lots of entertaining news cycles. So let's start pressuring the nutroots to do this by acting like we'd really hate it.

Because I'm bored.

You're probably saying, "Frank J. doesn't have any post up yet. Are there some links I can check out while waiting?" Yes there are at Conservative Grapevine with such links as:

Cracked: Before they were famous: The 10 most regrettable celebrity commercials

Opus: The Opus comic strip that was banned by some papers for being offensive to Muslims

Wizbang: G.I. Joe: "Real American Hero" no more

The Diplomad: The EU decided to take on Texas recently and the Texans got the last laugh. Johnny Ray Conner, double murderer, is dead.

Conservative Grapevine: Can't get enough of those wonderful inks links!

You know all those great quotes attributed to anonymous? That was Fred Thompson.

Sharks must keep swimming to breathe and for any hope to escape Fred Thompson.

John Edwards's first action if elected President? Installing an all-Streisand karaoke machine on Air Force One.

Bonus Facts from Matt:
John Edwards' turning point against corporations was when he narrowly lost out to a soft, anthropomorphic teddy bear for the the title of the "Snuggle Soft Dryer Sheet Mascot." "Edwards Soft" has since become the measure of just how soft someting can be -- making newborn kittens extremely jealous.

John Edwards lost his role to the Pillsbury Doughboy mostly due to the fact that he was unable to stop giggling uncontrollably when poked in the belly button.

If the US forewent spending 6 Million Dollars on rebuilding Lee Majors in 1974, invested half of it's government budget on R&D, and recruited the brightest minds from around the world, we STILL wouldn't have the technology or capability to create a bionic representation of the glamour and lusciousness of John Edwards' hair.

khart208 has received his Super Happy Fun IMAO Prize Package Number One that celebrated five years of IMAO. Here's what he had to say:

I'd like to let everyone know that I just received my Super Happy Fun IMAO Prize Package [Number One] a couple of days ago. It was like Christmas, Easter, the Fourth of July and Labor Day all rolled into one! Except for the tree with ornaments, and colored eggs, and fireworks, and labor. I was so excited that I didn't even think to admonish my girlfriend when she asked "Who's this Frank guy, anyway? This isn't, like, drugs or something super bad, is it?" I grabbed that box and scuttled to my office. I haven't left since.

I've watched "Die Hard" at least five times now, and every time it's better, because I know that FrankJ and SarahK's eyes have seen the exact same movie! I haven't changed out of my IMAO shirt in days. "The Chronicles of Dubya", so kindly and thoughtfully inscribed by both FrankJ and SarahK, hasn't been out of my hands. Their words of wisdom are so profound... I'm going to memorize this book like terrorists memorize the Koran. And their special, mystery gift... well, I'm not going to spoil that, but suffice it to say it's something that I'll hold near and dear as a family heirloom, at least until the next time I have any unsightly rough spots on the fence or splinters to take care of.

As for the Hate-Filled Liberal cartoon... I know that posting for all to see will diminish its tremendous monetary value. However, I am willing to sacrifice some of the resale profits to provide a public service. If only someone could tell me how to post the scanned image...

I had the foresight to scan the comic before mailing it, so here is khart208's comic printed with his permission:

That was fun! Since I still have some irregular copies of Chronicles of Dubya lying around (bent or off-center covers), maybe I can give them away in some future contests. If you want a normal copy, you can buy it from Amazon or some other online retailer.

Fred Thompson's comprehensive education plan: Be smart or get a whup'n.

brandEn

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's brandEn.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? It is my name. Just with an emphasis on the part that people misspell. I hate it when people misspell my name.

Where do you live? Coral Springs, Florida (but I'm currently in Orlando for college).

How old are you? 19.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I'm a 2nd year computer engineering student at the University of Central Florida (go Knights!). Sometimes I like to pretend I can take really good pictures. I don't show them to many people, so my bubble never gets popped. Other times, I like to pretend I'm a superhero. I'm very complex.

I think the moon has been getting closer lately. Does this trouble you? Yes. It means the man in the moon is finally exacting his revenge on the peoples of Earth. God save us if he unleashes his zombie/android/pirate monkeys (he's had a lot of time to combine things). The only good that'll come of this is that nuking the moon should become even more popular.

How long have you been reading IMAO? For about 3 years.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Any that talk about Aquaman getting his butt handed to him by something mundane.

What's you favorite political issue? Affirmative Action. It's really easy to taunt it's supporters. Them: "We support Affirmative Action" Me: "Why? Do you think minorities aren't good enough to get jobs on their own? RACIST!" And then I laugh and punch them in their dumb monkey faces.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. No, I'm not cool enough.

[Few are. -Ed.]

If space aliens land in D.C., should we wait to listen to their message of peace or should we kill them immediately? We let them live, but make them replace the current Congress (anything would be an improvement). We, of course, could still hold the threat of death above them to make them perform more to our liking.

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

About eighty different people have e-mailed me about how monkeys are sexually harassing women in Kenya.

Let's think about this: Is there any natural or evolutionary reason that would lead monkeys to make rude and suggestive gestures to women? Of course not. The only explanation is that their is nothing but evil in their hearts and each day they put their monkey brains to no other task than how to spread evil. They climb trees so as to better look out and see where misery can be sown. They do not have the ability yet to kill us (though, I assure you, they are working on it), so they settle for harassing us.

For now.

John Edwards's cell phone ringtone? "It's Raining Men".

Bonus Facts from Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards invented the Caboodles make-up organization case.

John Edwards has his own kitten factory, where cats are specially bred to be the softest in the world, and they have no paws at all to scratch him with. Shhh... don't let PETA find out.

John Edwards keeps his loose change in a jewlery box his Nana bought him. When you open it, there is a spinning ballerina.

Funniest thing about the ballerina is that he had his Jr. year prom dress replicated from it.

It's not promotion that I believe in - it's shameless self promotion.

I've started a new site called the Daily Jalapeno. It's like The Onion, except spicier!

And not as funny.

But spicier!

I needed a place to write more about pop culture and other stupid stuff.

Speaking of new, I'm creating a multimedia version of the Daily Roundup. I just need to work through some technical difficulties. Otherwise, I hope to have this up and running at IMAO in the next few days.

MESA, Arizona (AP) - Officials at an Arizona school suspended a 13-year-old boy for sketching what looked like a gun, saying it was quite possibly the worst thing ever created by human hands.

Could the recent flooding in the Midwest be caused by angels looking at this picture and crying?

Payne Junior High Principal Karen Martin said the boy deserved to be suspended for his talentless artwork. "Worst drawing I've ever seen. My 3-year-old does better than that with fingerpaints, and he's a retarded epileptic."

"When I first saw that picture," said Martin, I thought, 'What the hell IS that? A 5-eyed mutant with a moustache? An elephant that got caught in a hydraulic press? A cubist zeppelin?'."

"When another student told me it was a gun, my response was, 'Yeah... a really CRAPPY gun!'. At this point I decided to suspend the talentless little twerp, since there was no point in wasting more public funds on someone who has no future beyond maybe drawing pathetic stick figures on the internet or something."

School District spokesman Terry Locke said that - although the crude sketch wasn't actually a threat according to the school's zero-tolerance policy where "possession or threatening use of any weapon, real or simulated, is strictly prohibited" - the inherant artlessness of the image "constituted a violent threat to the aesthetic sensibilities of the student body. This garbage makes Ted Rall look like freakin' Rembrandt."

The boy's mother, Paula Mosteller, supported the school's decision. "At first I was angry that they seemed to be singling my son out for no good reason. Then I got a look at that abomination he created. YEESH! I mean, is the trigger guard wearing a necklace? Why are there shark's teeth at the end of the barrel? It's got all the accuracy and realism of a Michael Moore documentary."

"I'm so ashamed that he's my son," Paula concluded sadly. "I should've had my tubes tied 14 years ago and spared the world the misery of this drawing's existence."

I was talking yesterday about how liberals think they're so smart but have trouble comprehending simple concepts, well today there is a recommended diary on the Daily Kos about the reason Giuliani is leading right now in the polls is because Republicans hate black people. The millions of Republicans choosing Giuliani is because secretly they're all thinking "He'll crack down on those black people!"

Idiots.

It's called name recognition! It's why Hillary has been leading all this time and why Lieberman led in the polls early on back in 2003. Most people aren't extremely engaged at this point, so they go on name recognition, and Giuliani rightfully has a lot of name recognition after 9/11. This is Politics 101, you little morons. But that's too simple for you goobers so you assume invidious motives for millions of people because you have the mental capacity of three-year-olds when it comes to politics.

Can you believe the Democratic Party is actually pretending to listen to these people?

Our military is very good at what it does: killing foreigners and breaking their stuff. Still, America isn't feared enough abroad because of all the whiners and second-guessers at home (we call them Democrats). To make up for this will take extreme measures. Thus it's time for the weapon our generals have been dreaming about since the Civil War: Dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them.

We need to put all our money into researching how to resurrect dinosaurs and then put rocket launchers on them. When our pathetic little enemies see dinosaurs coming at them launching rockets, they are going to give up. "How can we expect to succeed over dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them?" they'll exclaim. "We must surrender now and hope the Americans will let us worship their obviously superior god."

I would expect all terrorism to end within a month of us first deploying dinosaurs with rocket launchers making this an investment well worth the money. Some may worry that we will have trouble controlling dinosaurs with rocket launchers, but I think they will listen to us as long as we are nice to them and talk to them in soothing voices saying, "Good dino. Good." All dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them want is love.

I have a cool drawing to put up, but I first have to scan it and prep it and what not. What a pain. Anyway, while I'm doing that, check out links from Conservative Grapevine such as:

The Corner: Victor Davis Hanson smacks around Andrew Sullivan

The People's Cube: Joke of the day: The insensitive Marine

Political Wire: Bob Kerrey to run for a seat if Chuck Hagel doesn't run in Nebraska.

Newsmax: 49-Year-old Rambo headed for Iraq.

Conservative Grapevine: Two scoops of links

Knowing is half the battle. The other half? Fred Thompson.

about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I've been reviewing and analyzing the book in extreme depth over at mountaineer musings. I'm to Chapter 20 now (that and 21 should go up tomorrow morning), so you've got plenty of time to catch up. Spoilers galore for all seven books, so read at your own risk! But please do read! Part 1 of the review is here.

/shameless self-linkage

If your son has not drawn a gun at some point in his childhood, there is something wrong with him.

The school officials behind that suspension need to be pistol whipped.

Andrew

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Andrew.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? One day I was walking along and was blinded by a brilliant flash of light. As I stumbled around in a blind stupor I heard a booming voice declaring, "I am Fred Thompson. From this day forward you will work toward advancing my political goals under the name Andrew. No go forth and punch liberals in their dumb monkey faces." Oh, and that's also the name on my birth certificate.

Where do you live? Scottsbluff, Nebraska

How old are you? 18

Tell us briefly about yourself. I am a freshman at the University of Nebraska majoring in broadcasting and political science with plans to become a sportscaster. I'm also very proud to say that I have a number of family members who have served in the military, including a cousin who will begin his second tour in Iraq beginning sometime around November.

What do you think made John Edwards such a little sissy? My theory is that when he was young he was taunted constantly for having a name very similar to that of known scam artist Jonathan Edward and was regularly beaten up for his lunch money by Rosie O'Donnell

How long have you been reading IMAO? About three or four years. I first became interested in the sight when I saw the Fun Facts About The French t-shirt on Thoseshirts.com and loved it.

What's your favorite IMAO post?
There are so many, but I'll have to say Know Thy Enemy, Fred Thompson Facts, and IMAO Condensed are my favorites.

What's you favorite political issue? I'm not sure I really have a favorite, but the one I talk about the most is winning in Iraq, which in a sane world wouldn't be political at all it would be common sense. Other than that, I'm a big fan of anything that leaves liberals in a sputtering rage.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. www.andrewexmachina.blogspot.com Basically I post about whatever is going on in my life that I feel the need to write about or that annoys me. I try to post regularly every Friday and whenever I have something to talk about during the week. As much as I wish I could take credit for the clever Latin title that makes me sound smart, I must confess I ripped it off from the Dennis ex Machina segments that Dennis Miller sometimes does on his radio show.

You are being attacked by zombies. Which weapon do you choose: shotgun or flamethrower? A shotgun that uses flaming shells. That way I can have the best of both worlds when killing zombies. However the most effective way is still to tell Fred Thompson the zombies want to raise his taxes.

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

There was a poll on political knowledge, and more liberals than conservatives think they are very knowledgeable about politics (42% versus 35%). First off, it should be noted that many fewer people identify themselves as liberal than conservative especially given the negative connotation, so you'd expect that group to be more politically aware to even identify themselves as liberal. More to the point, though, would you doubt that liberals think they know a lot about politics? If you ever read the left-wing blogosphere, they're quite a bunch of condescending nitwits. They sit around in their echo chamber whining about how much smarter they are than everybody else while failing to comprehend the most simple concepts. Like a sign for Republican Michael Steele in front of some people's yards saying "Steele Democrat" -- it made complete sense to everyone except the Kos Kids who scrunched their little monkey faces in confusion ("Steele not Democrat. What mean sign?"). Their whole political movement is based on the sad misperception that they actually know anything.

John Edwards invented cocaine so that he could stay up all night admiring himself in the mirror.

Bonus Facts from Jim:
John Edwards believes that the three biggest issues facing America today are: poverty, health care, and split ends.

A review of John Edwards's legal career proves that he can do what no other current candidate can do... embarrass lawyers.

Adult Bonus Facts containing references to anatomy that might make SarahK blush... over here.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow says he'll be stepping down from his position due to 'financial considerations' - i.e., his $168,000 salary wasn't enough to live on.

As a professional blogger, I can certainly sympathize with the difficulty of trying to make ends meet on a measly 6-figure paycheck.

Still, the more I read about the story, the sorrier I feel for Snow, because apparently he's not let pride stand in his way when it comes to taking odd jobs (and worse) to help supplement his income. Things like:

---

"Please, kind reporters, can't you spare just a LITTLE change?"

* Returning Ted Kennedy's empties for the deposit.

* Mowing the White House lawn in a Speedo at Laura Bush's request.

* Which is nothing compared to the "favors" he's been doing for Pelosi, who responded to queries about the deal with "Hey... there are some... things... that Paul simply will not do. And a woman has certain... needs".

* Following Bill around and e-mailing "bimbo reports" to Hillary.

* Covertly collecting new entries to be published in "Bushisms, Vol. 6".

* Browbeating YouTube into taking down all those "Drunken Jenna" videos.

* Placing personals ads on SodomiteConnections.com for John Edwards.

* Murdering hobos to keep a fresh supply of human hearts ready for Dick Cheney, just in case.

* Although rumor has it he sub-contracted that one out to Glenn Reynolds.

* Doing a little time in the "subservient chicken" outfit.

* Being Marion Barry's third-shift crack-mule.

* Drop-shipping pit bulls to a mysterious buyer in Virginia known only as M. V. Ick.

---

Rumor has it that he's also mugged girl scouts for their cookie money, but hey, who hasn't?

PREVIOUSLY ON IN MY WORLD

"You haven't been listening to the generals!" Harry Reid shouted at President Bush. "Iraq is just like Vietnam! You must withdraw troops now or we're doomed! Dooooomed!"

TODAY ON IN MY WORLD

"You need to stop listening to the generals!" Harry Reid shouted at President Bush. "And Iraq will not be like Vietnam, so don't worry about withdrawing the troops now! Now! Before we're doomed! Doooomed!"

"Rarr! I hate you Democrats!" Bush yelled. "The only thing doomed is your election prospects if we succeed in Iraq! But you won't live that long!" Bush hit the trapdoor button and the floor fell out from underneath Harry Reid. "Muh ha ha ha ha!" Bush walked to the edge of the trapdoor. "Now you die!"

"Um... could you not drop your Democrats on me?" called a voice up from below.

"What? I thought there was supposed a lion or a rancor down there?"

"No, just Bob from accounting. This is my office and I have lots of paperwork to do."

"I just assumed when the contractors came in and installed the trapdoor, they'd put a pit with deadly beast below it."

"I never heard of that. My office has always been below yours."

Bush stamped his foot in frustration. "Well... uh... could you kill Harry Reid?"

"What? I don't..."

"Just pick up a stapler and staple him to death or something."

"That's... that's really not in my job description. Anyway, he's gotten up and walked out already."

"This was supposed to be a pit of death! What use is a pit of accounting?" Bush thought for a moment. "I guess if someone came to me with an accounting question, I could send him through the trapdoor to you."

"The person would fall right on my desk; I don't think either of us would like that."

"Details. Hey, could you push the trapdoor closed from down there."

Bob got on his desk and pushed the flap back in place.

"Thanks!" Bush sat back at his desk and Tony Snow came in the room. "What's up, Snowman? Hey, did you know there isn't a pit of death under my office?"

Tony paused for a moment. "I'm not sure how to respond to that, sir."

Bush's hand hovered over the trapdoor button. "So, do you have an accounting question?"

"I'm going to say 'No.' I'm here to tell you that I'm going to be retiring from the job of White House Press Secretary. With all the stress and the toll on my health, this job has made me yearn for the simple, blissful days when I had cancer."

Bush was sad for a moment, but then a thought struck him. "Hey! Maybe that hot chick can fill in for you again!"

Tony sighed. "I'm glad you're excited. Anyway, I just wanted to give you notice."

Bush nodded. "Hey, before you go, what's six times thirteen?"

"Huh?"

"Kinda a tough math question." Bush's hand hovered over the trap door button. "Maybe one for an accountant."

"It's seventy-eight."

Bush groaned in anger.

"I'm just going to leave now."

After Tony Snow left, Chuck Hagel walked into the office. "We had scheduled a meeting about--"

Bush hit the trap door button and Hagel plummeted down. "Ahh! My back!"

"Hey! I'm trying to work down here!"

Just when you thought I couldn't care less, here I come along and give you the answers you need.

Dr. Duck has weeks and weeks of training and he's glad to help the Lost Children Of IMAO find their way.

Below, please find the questions you asked along with the wise wisdom I have decided to share with you.

**
Is it true that if Hillary Clinton bites you, you become just like her?
Posted by: RIck

Rick,
Yes, it’s true. If it happens, you’ll spend all your days sleeping and all your nights out doing fundraising. You’ll be repelled by smelly things like garlic and having people throw your own quotes back in your face. You’ll lie with the undead (aka the New York Times) and you’ll wish you were dead. On the other hand, William J sure knows how to party, so maybe it’s wouldn’t be all bad.

**

Dear Dr. Duck,
I have a Relationship question. I was absent-mindedly wondering how I might score with the chick advertising the "I Survived Roe v Wade" T-shirt that I see every time I log onto this fine upstanding conservative blog, without potentially pissing off her boyfriend and/or husband, and suffering potentially life threatening injury? Any suggestions?

Eternally hopeful,
"Man Can those Hip Huggers Get Any Lower"

Nubikins, New Jersey
Posted by: Brian_Thorn

First, if the girl is pretty enough, no, there’s no limit to how low hip huggers can go. Although, if she wears them any lower, she’ll have to ditch the t-shirt for Roe V Wade and wear one for Stanley Steemer.

Woo hoo. Babe is hot.

Now, there is some debate as to which girl is hotter, her or the ATF chick. IMHO that’s like asking which is better. Chocolate cake or cheesecake? Hey (slaps you guys on the head). Cake is cake. So just shut up and fantasize about licking the icing.

Just remember to be careful otherwise you’ll be asking some pretty embarrassing questions later on.

*

Does this look infected?
Posted by: FormerHostage

Yeah, like that one.

**

Read More...

It's come out that in 2004 that Karl Rove, fearing the then unknown John Edwards (he was the Obama of that year), coordinated an attack on John Kerry figuring the Democrats would then rally behind him and help the more vulnerable Kerry win the nomination.

Of course today there's no candidate out there with as many negatives and as easy to attack as sissy, hypocritical John Edwards. Still, he's not giving up. Recently, Rove had this "harsh" attack on Hillary Clinton:

"She enters the general election campaign with the highest negatives of any candidate in the history of the Gallup poll.

"It just says people have made an opinion about her. It's hard to change opinions once you've been a high-profile person in the public eye, as she has for 16 or 17 years."

Ooh! Harsh!

Edwards has seized on this in a new fundraising letter that Rove fears him.

Come on. Kittens don't fear him. It would be the Republican's dream if this piece of fluff is nominated. The guy is so ludicrous as a candidate, he almost rivals Kucinich. There has never been this transparent a phony get this close to a nomination. It would be the most entertaining presidential race ever if he won the primary, and IMAO could capitalize on bashing him so much that I'm sure by November 2008 we'd have traffic to rival the Daily Kos.

So, nutroots, you really think you're the mainstream and you like Edwards? You get him nominated. Stop getting distracted by your tails and focus on that. Prove your vast grassroots power!

I'll get some stuff up later, but if you want something now check out links at Conservative Grapevine such as:

WorldNetDaily: Duncan Hunter's letter to George Bush: "Only 17.9 of the 854 miles of fencing" have been built.

Deputydog: 13 of the worst fake accents in film

Ynet: Arabs surf Israeli porn sites

Ann Coulter: 1 down, 11,999,999 to go.

Conservative Grapevine: If you are looking for links, then you are at right place

It's a common belief that, no matter how well-trained, Fred Thompson will eventually snap and violently attack a pitbull. In reality, every time Fred Thompson has attacked a pit bull he's had a very good reason.

After reading throuh comments, I have to say that many of you need help. Serious help!

For that, I blame myself. After all, IMAO are like my children; and what am I doing? Sitting on the couch drinking beer while my kids play with sharp knives. So it's pretty much like real life. However, considering that - at last count - there were 400 million Americans without medical care, that means that it's up to me, Dr. Duck, to help you with my sound advice and pearls of wisdom.

So what are your questions? Relationships? Career? World events?

I am here to answer it all.

As the great Italian inventor Leonardo Da Vinci once said: I miei calzini sono blu. Farli gradicono i miei calzini blu. Perché siete che leggete questo? Non avete vita? Lo avete pensato avete avuti avreste parole della verità dentro qui? Dovete essere non pratici con IMAO.

(Loosely translated: Life is short. Blame Bush for the bad economy)

Leave your questions in comments.

Answers will be up soon.

G Fresh

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's G Fresh.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? This bar I used to hang out at all the time back home in Indiana had one of those 25 cent touch screen gaming systems, or as I liked to call it, "The Crack Machine". I had a huge Crystal Balls rivalry with a friend of mine who worked at the bar. Whenever you got one of the top 3 scores you got to put your name on the high scorers list. Unfortunately, there were only 7 characters allowed so rather than trying to do a personalized license plate version of my full name, my friend suggested that I use G Fresh because I am the whitest and un-hip-hoppiest person ever. It just kind of stuck. I actually have friends in real life who call me G Fresh pretty much exclusively.

Where do you live? Nashville, TN

How old are you? I just turned 30 on 07/07/07. It's not too late to send me presents. Hookers and blow or Frank J's book are always a good way to go.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I'm 30 years old, single and childless which I suspect makes my parents think I'm either gay, which I'm not, or that I'm just retarded when it comes to relationships, which is a distinct possibility. I'm a singer/songwriter who shamelessly plugs himself constantly (and not in the weird, creepy John Edwards kind of way, but more along the lines of www.myspace.com/matthewgates ) and I like beer...and waffles.

What's worse: A monkey or a liberal? Whew, that's a tough one, but I think I'm gonna have to go with a liberal on this one. The intelligence level is about the same between the two, but liberals tend to have an adult human digestive tract which produces far more poo for flinging than a monkey's.

How long have you been reading IMAO? A couple of years I think. I "Stumbled" on it one glorious, life-changing day and finally found a place where I could freely express my (until then) hidden desire to nuke the moon.

What's your favorite IMAO post? I'm a big fan of Frank the Artist as well as In My World.

What's you favorite political issue? Currently it's illegal immigration and the always popular Global War On Terror.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I've got the obligatory musician's Myspace which I plugged earlier, but I've also got a youtube site with some of my musical performance videos at www.youtube.com/mattygfresh.

What would you rather have: A star destroyer or a death star? I think having a death star would be a little bit scary because that would mean that the moon could in fact nuke you. I'm gonna have to go with the star destroyer. The mere thought of the carbon footprint I could create by flying that thing around makes my giblets go all-a-tingle. It's like the ultimate SUV!

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

John Edwards cant resist jumping into the flame wars on the "Downy vs. Snuggle" message boards.

MIAMI (AP) - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama criticized President Bush's Cuba policy, and promised to roll back the extra travel and financial restrictions added by Bush.

In 2004, Bush changed US law so that Cubans in the U.S. can only visit the island once every three years and can only send quarterly remittances of up to $300 per household to immediate family members. Previously, they could visit once a year and send up to $3,000.

Obama said he would rescind those policies, and hinted that other changes might follow.

Obama demonstrates how he will crush Castro's windpipe.

"I want to make it easier for Cuban-Americans to visit their loved ones," said Obama. "In fact, I want to make it easier for ALL Americans to visit Cuba. When I am elected President, my first act will be full legalization of travel to Cuba. Starting with 100,000 heavily armed American troops."

"Let's face it," Obama said, "it's just downright embarrassing to have a commie dictatorship 90 miles from our border. JFK totally screwed the pooch on the Bay of Pigs invasion in '61, and it's WAY past high time we put a band-aid on that bloody nose and went back in, swinging like Mike Tyson & ready to eat some ears. Or at the very least, spraying napalm like Smaug doing a spit-take."

"Now, I have a firm 'no nukes' policy," clarified Obama, "but I never said anything about chemical or biological weapons. There's a time and a place for mustard gas, and if Cuba ain't it, I don't know what is."

"Once Cuba is a cratered ruin and the Gulf of Mexico flows red with the blood of degenerate Commie swine," Obama concluded, "there would be no further need for Bush's failed embargo policy."

I often hear from people, "Man, things are going so great in the world... except for all the fat kids." Childhood obesity has become a great problem affecting everyone since we all have to look at these fat children. So, I had my crack research team found out all they can:

FUN FACTS ABOUT CHILDHOOD OBESITY

* SUVs would get great gas mileage if it weren't that they were so often filled with fat kids.

* Childhood obesity also affects education, as its hard for a kid to learn math while stuffing his face full of Ho-Hos.

A Lebanese woman reacts to childhood obesity.

* We're talking fat, stupid children.

* Scientists have determined that children become obese because of their moral failings and thus deserve the ridicule.

* Too many fat kids will drive down property values, so if you're having an open house, first drive an ice cream truck through your neighborhood and out of town, leading the fat children away like plump rats following the pied piper.

* Part of the problem is that it takes caring parents to help fight obesity, but the fatter their children are, the more trouble parents have feeling any affection for them whatsoever.

* Fat, stupid, unloved children.

* If you find yourself surrounded by fat children, throw a stick of butter and escape while they plod after it. Last thing you want is for them to get their chubby, sticky hands on you.

* The best way to fight childhood obesity is by promoting healthy eating and exercise. You can also use ridicule.

* Number one threat to forests: All the fat kids trampling plant life as they search for sweet sweet berries.

* Fat, stupid, unloved children clomping through the forests in search of food.

* When an obese child stares up at you with those sad eyes framed by a face covered in chocolate, you can almost feel sympathy for him. Don't fall for it!

* In a battle between Aquaman and childhood obesity, Aquaman would have to spend most of his day fetching chunky Aqualad who would keep floating to the surface like a buoy.

* Why does California get earthquakes? Because the weight of all those fat kids messes up the tectonic plates.

* Fat, stupid, unloved children -- even the earth trembles in anger at their existence!

* Liberals' children often become obese because liberals are too afraid it would hurt their child's feelings to slap the ever present Twinkie out of his hand.

* Monkey-faced liberals and their fat children waddling about like beach balls with stubby little limbs.

* Obese children are of some uses such as when hiking through Africa. If your party gets chased by a tiger, it will obviously first grab the slow moving fat kids given you time to escape.

* How can you tell if a child is obese and not just fat? Throw him in a lake and measure the rate at which he bobs.

* In case of a nuclear holocaust, obese children are the most likely to survive since their stored fat will give them sustenance during the famine and protect them from the cold of the nuclear winter.

* That's our future: Fat, stupid children who have never known human affection aimlessly waddling through a nuclear wasteland. Thank you, McDonald's.

I kinda like how IMAO doesn't anger left wing blogs that often. We're a happy site, so who could be angry at us? Still, I sometimes envy the power of other people to enrage the other side, to get them screeching and jumping around like monkeys who just had their cage shaken.

I thought Jonah Goldberg's recent column was fairly innocuous. It's about that, while lefties dominate the web now, that's more due to them being on the offensive and things were different back when Clinton was president and will be different when a Democrat becomes President again. A simple, reasoned point with hardly an insult to the left thrown in it. Yet he got a giant post on the front page of Daily Kos dedicated to tearing him to shreds. Yes, a front page post; for the new "center" of the American pubic, there apparently is nothing more important than attacking Jonah Goldberg for pointing out the cyclical nature of political momentum. For about five or six paragraphs, Hunter writes, "I hate Jonah Goldberg. Jonah Goldberg is stupid. I hate Jonah Goldberg." over and over before even mentioning anything in the article he disputed (and his first objection to the article was a purely semantically one; Goldberg said writing professionally on the internet since 1998 make him old in newcomer years and Hunter says it makes him a "newcomer"). Actually, Hunter barely quotes any of the article and just rants for pages and pages. That's crazy hatred right there... near BDS level even.

That's almost like a superpower being able to drive the left into an irrational frenzy without even trying. What if Goldberg purposely tried to anger them and wrote something like, "Everyone at Kos smells and is ugly."? They'd go so crazy, they might miss that an election is going on.

For now, I'm happy as fun-loving Frank J., but I kept help imagine what I could do with such power.

While I get my posts together, you can check out links at Conservative Grapevine such as:

Monica Crowley: Who the liberals really are.

Rachel Lucas: rosie, u r less smart, than my dog's poop.

Dr. Melissa Clouthier: How political correctness hinders scientific research.

Popular Mechanics: Popular Mechanics investigates 9/11 myths: FAQs

Conservative Grapevine: A site with links

Also, John Hawkins has a new poll of right wing bloggers up about the draft, Rove, and other issues.

Quotes from Sun Tzu's Art of War:
"He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious."
"The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting."
"If you pick a battle with Fred Thompson, can I have your stereo?"

John Edwards SWEARS that there's no such thing as a "twist-off" bottlecap.

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards sued his high school because he wasn't permitted to perform "The Good Ship Lollipop" in the annual talent show, although really he was just pissed that he wouldn't be able to wear his Shirley Temple costume.

CCHEMuse

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's CCHEMuse.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? I wish I had some mystical reasoning behind my choice of handle....in actuality it's my old blog alias & it defines who I am: Conservative, Catholic, Home Educating, Muse. Yes, "Muse" - as in GODDESS!! Okay - not really goddess --- just "Muse" because I ramble about nothing in particular from time to time, but in my own private world it all makes sense....have I ever told you I think the guy that invented the Pringle's canister was a genius?!

Where do you live? Well, in the old Beetle Bailey comics, they called it Camp Swampy, but we call it Fort Stewart, GA....pretty area, about an hour west of Savannah where Paula Deen makes a mean pot pie!!

How old are you? Ouch.....according to the calendar, I'm just starting to squint towards 40......but according to the way I feel, I'm easily 92.....

Tell us briefly about yourself. Well, I'm a proud, Proud, PROUD ARMY wife of a deployed soldier who is serving again in the sandbox over there.....I'm also momma to four --- 1 college double major (Culinary / Psychology - not sure HOW that happened!), 1 USMarine, and two cute blondes - 1 just started high school & the other just started fifth grade....hmmmm - maybe the calendar is right....we've also got a shepherd (Yo Adrian), a lab (Zoe), and a psychotic cat (Peyton) to round out the brood........Okay - if I tell you the rest, you still have to let me play here, alright.....I'm a vegan, I do believe in Roswell, and I don't believe we ever walked on the moon --- other than that, I'm perfectly conservative!!

Name one use for a liberal. Gosh - only ONE?? Ummm.....target practice readily pops to mind.....or IED shield......either way works - oh - only one - yeah - target practice for sure...

How long have you been reading IMAO? Actually, GW (that's my hubby - yes, his name is GW, yes, the rest is the same too, and yes, we're actually related....) found you guys about 2 years ago while searching for conservative t-shirts, but I didn't start reading faithfully until he deployed, so, about a year......

What's your favorite IMAO post? That's a tough one....I love the IMAO Condensed series....Harvey's the bomb.....and the Fred Thompson facts are a riot.......but honestly, I think I'm most looking forward to the Ronin Profiles when I tune in each day now --- it's kindda nice to see the 'real people side' of the world renown IMAO blog - you've got your own cult following...I might start selling 'IMAO Groupie' t-shirts or something....

[I find it's nice to put a little something behind the screen names. Everyone has a story worth hearing. -Ed.]

What's you favorite political issue? Right now it's a toss up between the War on Terror and Illegal Immigration.....I still think we should flatten everything that doesn't say USA and say to hell with it.....

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Website, no --- blog that drones on & on about nothing, YES! Nothing much of any real interest to anyone other than my soldier - it's the way I kept him linked to the girls....but now he can only access it from certain areas within that place with the airport, so - yeah - just a bunch of 'what matters most to me' stuff! But, if you're so inclined, be my guest! http://peytonsmom.blogspot.com/

Do you think flamethrowers should be used by the U.S. military again? While I won't answer that directly, I will say that I think the Geneva Conventions & the Law of Armed Conflict are a little too restrictive - what's the point when WE'RE the only ones upholding the standard.....and in some of the close arms combat we've seen recently, I can see where the revival of the flamethrower idea has merit....Gives a whole new meaning to 'fight fire with fire!' Plus our guys can roast marshmallows in their down time!

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

**

Context Here.

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

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Reader submissions:

From Alan ABQ:

From Brian Thorn of Java With "Joe Bag of Doughnuts"

From Five-Pillars:

From FormerHostage:

From Hazel:

From Erik Wit:

From Starfox5253:

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

I think what freaks out gun-owners so much about the thought of gun-grabbing is that gun-grabbers tend to be liberals and liberals have freakishly small hands. We imagine all these tiny hands coming out of nowhere and grabbing our guns and we'd be helpless against them. It's like something out of a horror movie!

I forgot that a shuttle was landing today. I thought for a second our one story house had upstairs neighbors who accidentally dropped bowling balls on the ground.

Rowdi barked at the shuttle under her breath. That will teach it.

Just so you know, the reason HuffPo and many other liberals think you Republicans turned against McCain is because he continues to support the war.

Other conclusions Arianna Huffington has reached:

* Why do Americans hate the French? Despite how courageous the French are and their immaculate hygiene, Americans could never get over how bad their wine is.

* Americans dislike of illegal immigration from Mexico stems from their hatred of Mexican food.

* Why do many Americans have problems with Muslims? They're too nice to the Jews.

* Folks biggest problem with Hillary: She's not shrill enough and lacks political ambition.

* Reason Michael Vick is currently being lambasted in the news: Americans hate football.

* Up is down. Black is white.

Fred Thompson just made a nearly direct attack on Rudy Giuliani in his blog over guns. There are two issues that are big problems for Giuliani in the Republican primary: abortion and guns. I'm surprised so much attention has been on abortion when his stance on guns could hurt him even more (not even Democrats running for national office speak out against guns anymore).

Now, Giuliani has tried to reshape his image on this issue, but his pandering shows shows how completely tone deaf (he tried to explain that gun rights are okay in other places than big cities). Also, he has a record of not just being anti-gun, but being really anti-gun where he's been involved in lawsuits that tried to take away gun rights for more places than just his city.

His stance on abortion of saying he'd appoint judges like Roberts will get him so far (it would help if he came out against Roe v. Wade which is a horrible Constitutional ruling despite what one may feel about legalized abortion), but something similar is not going to work for guns. Republicans won't respect someone opposed to gun ownership -- a Constitutional right -- and I don't think anything other than him bowing down and asking for forgiveness for past sins will be accepted.

While I catch up on news and think of something to write, there are fun links at Conservative Grapevine such as:

David Warren: The tyranny of science.

Confederate Yankee: Misfire: AP's bogus ammo shortage story.

Planet Gore: Overturning the global warming "Consensus" in one fell swoop.

Jennifer Rubin: Dem debates: Top 10 things that should worry Conservatives.

Conservative Grapevine: Now with more links!

Fred Thompson gets three scoops of raisins in every box of Kellogg's Raisin Bran.

I've noticed that people registered in TypeKey don't have the e-mail field filled out when they comment, so if you've been using a TypeKey login and wanted to be in Ronin Profiles, just say so here (but first log out of TypeKey temporarily so you can fill in the e-mail field for this one time -- only I get to see it).

If you asked to take part in this and filled out your e-mail field, you're in the running so don't worry. I'll get to everyone... eventually.

i blow up merricans!

oh noes!!!

I just read a post at Michelle Malkin's site and we have to take a moment and say acknowledge heart felt admiration. There have been rare times when liberals do something brave: The time John Edwards checked into a luxury hotel to better study poverty; the time Hillary Clinton, in an effort to be open and honest, had her white house records sealed until 2008; the time Ted Kennedy decided to not have another drink (of course, he had drank all the liquor by that time, but that doesn't matter.) To this brave list, We'd like to add the name of Jane Fonda.

Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem bravely set out to establish a radio network made only for feminists. Unfortunately, they were not even close to duplicating the raging success of Air America.

Ironically, they did a lot of things right!

First, they hired mostly women. This is a good move since, statistics show, women make a lot less money than men. This is always a good way to save money. Secondly, if you hire pretty ones, then the delivery drivers handle your packages with greater care. Plus, you can get the water delivery guy to help you put that big heavy bottle onto the cooler for you. Nobody likes doing that.

However, it is not just the conservation of money that impresses us. Personally, we believe that Ms. Fonda would have done well to hire a few Undocumented Radio Dee Jays. Sure, many of them don't speak the language, but asking them to broadcast in Engish would be very racist. But it is a GREAT way to save on money.

What impresses us is that Ms Fonda and the gals ditched all of their employees without paying them a stitch of severance or helping them continue their healthcare benefits in any way. I find this a good strategy as many women spend all their money on makeup and clothes when they should be spending it on things like gifts for their men.

Besides, now these ladies can spend more time where they belong: the kitchen.

There's nothing wrong with women who work, every workplace needs women, especially pretty ones that haven't gotten too fat and still know how to wiggle their cute little tushies.

That's why today, IMAO would like to offer it's full support to Ms. Fonda in helping her keep women in their place. Hopefully this will inspire her former employees to go out there and do what they should have done all along - find good men to take care of them. .

Thank You, Jane Fonda.

With your help, maybe one day we can set up another holiday: National Ladies Wear a Low Cut Blouse and Short Skirt Day.

Then, truly, we will have progressed beyond the shallow confines of gender and gender stereotypes.

Da Coyote

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Da Coyote.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? I joined a group trying to keep Space Above and Beyond on the air many years ago. The group was organized as a fighter squadron that had a canine theme. I selected Coyote (sort of doggish) and soon after the show was canceled. I kind of liked the nickname, rather fitting for me if you've ever seen a Road Runner cartoon, and so I began to use it as my online alias other places. But Coyote was, more often than not, already taken. As was "The Coyote". So I threw a "Da" in front of it. That makes it different enough that it is usually not already taken. So now in many corners of the net I'm known as 'Da Coyote'

Where do you live? Beaverton, Oregon

How old are you? 34 years and change.

Tell us briefly about yourself. 34, married, one kid, employed, in debt up to my hairline (which is receding), concealed handgun permit bearer, gun owner, voter, and though such titles are too vague to properly describe the range of issues involved you might call me a 'Libertarian Federalist'. Maybe it's just easier if I say that I haven't read anything from Thomas Sowell that wasn't right on the money.

Trolls: Do they make comments more or less entertaining? Depends on if it's a Ron Paul supporter or not.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Off and on for about 1 1/2 years.

What's your favorite IMAO post? I'd have to go with the Fred Thompson Facts.

What's you favorite political issue? Not a 'favorite', but I'm most passionate about the right to bear arms. Federalism is a close second, but I truly believe that the day the government goes for the guns is the day America, and the world in general, will fall into a new dark age.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I have a 'space' with the MSN network that comes with my net access called "Blatant Plagiarism with a smile" but I've never got around to putting anything there. One of these days perhaps I will post a tome of wisdom there for the betterment of humanity. Probably not though.

If you had enough strength to throw someone across a room, how often do you think you would do that? I do have enough strength to throw someone across the room- but my two-year-old hasn't quite eroded my sanity that far yet.

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

WASHINGTON (AP) - Reacting to Barack Obama's tougher stance in the War On Terror, presidential candidate John Edwards has declared that, if elected to the nation's highest office, he will launch a new offensive in the War on Poverty. Specifically, he vows to target people who have defaulted on their high risk mortgages.

"You better pay up, or Vito over here will be breaking your kneecaps."

"There is a greater terror than insurgents with roadside bombs," said Edwards, "and that's low-lifes who don't make their mortgage payments on time. If elected president, I will fight against those who betray the trust of the subprime lenders by hitting them where they live - literally - and foreclosing on their houses."

"Unlike naive and inexperience candidates who talk tough on fighting foreign wars, yet have never left Iowa, or Indiana, or Idaho, or whatever stupid 'I' state they come from *cough*Senator Obama*cough*, I have significant experience fighting this particular war. I've made almost half a million dollars working for a company that specialized on getting deadbeats out of houses and back on the streets where they belong. I don't just TALK tough on poverty, I knock the shiftless bastards around, too."

However, some critics question his credibility on this issue. The company doing the foreclosing (Green Tree Servicing) was only a small subsidiary of the company Edwards worked for (Fortress Investment Group), implying that Edwards's involvement in the actual foreclosure process was merely indirect at best.

Edwards challenged that assertion.

"I don't like to brag, but I personally dragged a 67-year-old Katrina victim out of her house by the hair, flung her down into the mud, kicked her a few times & told her to start paying her damn bills on time before we had to get REALLY rough with her," said Edwards with an air of great accomplishment. "That 'I was in a hurricane' crap may get sympathy on the evening news, but I've got a hair stylist to pay. I want my damn money. I can't buy haircuts with excuses."

Not to be outdone, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton outlined her own "War on Poverty" agenda over the weekend. "When I'm elected President," said Clinton, "I plan to organize a new Cabinet-level 'Department of Collections' which will draw from some of the most prominent members of the Italian-American Legitimate Businessmen's community. They will 'help' those who might have 'accidents' if they don't pay their creditors by the end of the week. America's poor have some nice families, and it would be a shame if anything were to 'happen' to them."

[Hat tip to IMAO reader Cathy for that first link]

Recently, John Edwards while in Iowa answered a question about healthcare with:

"I'm going to be honest with you -- I don't know a lot about Cuba's healthcare system. Is it a government-run system?"

Apparently, he's never heard that Cuba is Communist. Really, how often does that ever come up?

OTHER APPALLINGLY STUPID THINGS JOHN EDWARDS HAS SAID

"Some people are coming in from Mexico illegally? That's the first I heard of that."

"They play hockey in Canada? Are you sure?"

"I make more money than the average American? Really?"

"Most men don't carry a purse? Where do they keep their makeup?"

"There was a war with the Germans last century? But they seem so nice!"

"Muslims in the Middle East have a problem with Israel? What about?

"You can get a haircut for less than a hundred dollars? You mean in a third-world country, right?"

"There are Asian people in China?"

"There's a war going on? Involving us?"

John Edwards was once possessed by a demon and kept uncontrollably vomiting unicorns & rainbows.

Presidential candidates are always placed under a lot of scrutiny, and thus it's imperative to avoid mistakes. Here are some basic ones every candidate should be aware of:

COMMON CANDIDATE MISTAKES

* Racial and Ethnic Slurs: Strangely, this one keeps having to be reemphasized. Before you say anything, check to make sure it doesn't have any racial and ethnic slurs in it. And no matter how much you think Chris Rock's stand up may pertain to a situation, don't quote it.

* Tell People Their Children Are Ugly: Statistically, most people's children are ugly, but parents you want to vote for you don't need to know that. So, even if someone's child has overly-large nostrils, a sloping brow, and eyes too close together (or too far apart), don't point it out. Just try not to look at him.

* Suggest Nuking Mecca: Anyone who has spent anytime thinking about foreign policy has at least pondered nuking Mecca, but don't actually say it out loud. As neato as a huge religious war may seem, it's not a good idea.

* Forget Your Pants: Common Kennedy mistake.

* Rely on Stereotypes of People's Culture: Before meeting a new group of people, it's best to have someone from that group who is already a supporter to help you out. Don't rely on stereotypes you've learned from TV or your inside the Beltway friends. Despite what you may have heard, the best way to ingratiate yourself with white, male southerners isn't to shout, "So who's up for a good lynching?"

* Striking the Elderly: When going around and meeting voters, it's often hard to resist striking the elderly since they are weak and can't fight back. Still, it's a bad idea and can have almost as bad an effect on your seniors' vote as talking about changing Social Security.

* Botched Jokes: If all you really feel for the rubes in fly-over states is pure disdain, then you probably can't actually relate to those people enough to tell a joke. If you are to tell a joke, being a politician, you probably won't understand the humor which will interfere with the joke-telling, so make sure your staff indicates on the script where to pause for a beat and after which line to expect laughter.

* Publicly Urinate on Voters' Prized Possessions: Again, a common Kennedy mistake.

* Point Out How Poor People Are: You may think you're making a good point about how bad the economy is and how you plan to fix it, but it's still a bad idea to sip a martini while looking at supporters and exclaiming, "Wow! Just look at your clothes; you people really do need my help. I'd kill myself if I were as poor as you."

* Threaten to Invade an Ally: Big rookie mistake. While some groups may actually respond to crazy hawkishness, if you're campaigning against the hawkishness of the previous administration, then maybe you should at least scan what our diplomatic relations are with a country before threatening to invade them.

* Get Services from Any Business with "Pink" in Its Name: No excuse for this one.

* Remind Everyone How Much Smarter You Are: Saying things like, "This is probably too complex for you Midwesterners, but know I understand everything," is not a good way to argue issues to people. Also, if you come from a rich, politically-inclined family, you've probably just had a lot of people telling you you're smart when you're actually a bit of a nitwit.

* Leave a Supporter in a Sinking Car: Those wacky Kennedys,

* Tell the Truth: Whatever you do, don't say what you're actually thinking. People who seek political power are a wretched group, and that last thing people want to know is the pure darkness in your heart. Stick to bland pleasantries rather than telling people what you actually believe.

"Death to Lichtenstein!"

Apparently, Ayatollah Khomeini was considering retiring his signature "Death to America!" chant. I guess if you say it too many times, it does begin to lose all meaning. So, what could be another great signature chant for radical Muslim clerics?

SUGGESTED NEW AYATOLLAH SIGNATURE CHANTS

"Watcha talk'n 'bout, Ahmadinejad"

"I got a hanker'n for a hunk o' cheese!"

"I don't particularly care for the Jews!"

"Death to Smoochy!"

"Gooooooooood morning Vietnam!"

"My beard itches with Muslimy goodness!"

"Infidels, you smell!"

"Turn on, tune in, drop out!"

"We're here! We're queer! We don't want anymore bears!"

"I got a fever, and the only prescription is more Islam!"

"SEGA!"

If you have a good suggestion for a new radical Muslim chant, put it in the comments. Best one wins...

High Praise!

Malaysia is exporting their monkeys. If they really have too many monkeys that it's becoming a problem, then just kill them and throw them in the sea. Still, I'm kinda curious what monkey meat tastes like. Anyone ever had some?

While you're waiting for me to write something, you can go check out the links at Conservative Grapevine such as:

The Radio Equalizer: Anticipating the return of Imus, Al Sharpton makes his demands.

Michael Fumento: Global warming and James Hansen’s hacks.

Rasmussen Reports: 58% of Americans favor cutting off federal funds for “sanctuary cities.”

Newsbusters: Former CNN reporter suggests hurricane Dean God's wrath against Bush.

Conservative Grapevine: You can has links

Fred Thompson's fine Italian shoes are made from real Italians.

Did you hear about the militant, identity-based religion that sheep are following these days?

Read More...

John Edwards just can't stop thinking about what it'd be like to lick the sweat off of Bruce Willis's head.

Every time Fred Thompson's PC crashes, Bill Gates calls him and apologizes.

Sequined fur coat, candelabra, Liberace CD's blaring - just another football Sunday at John Edwards's house.

Ways to kill a vampire:
1. Sunlight.
2. Stake through the heart.
3. Tell Fred Thompson that the vampire called him a sissy.

Did you hear how the Muslim extremists have gained a stronghold in the South?

Read More...

Katablog

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Katablog.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? It starts with Katsuey, which was a word my hubby invented to describe what he was threatening to turn one of my cats into (It involved Chinese food). I took the name as an Internet nick and from there came katsuey.com, a free legal research site, my web site design business, katsueydesignworks.com and finally my blog katablog.com.

Where do you live? Someplace no one has ever heard of : Lansing, KS

How old are you? Older than dirt, but not quite as messy when I get wet.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I'm an Accountant turned Paralegal turned Website Developer. I guess I have a problem making up my mind, but I'm not sure about that.

Do you believe that trees are evil? Only certain trees. Like the ones that give off that cotton fluff and of course all trees that provide refuge to illegal immigrating squirrels.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Probably about 1 year.

What's your favorite IMAO post? I love the John Edwards fabulous facts and I enjoy reading the reader profiles. Many of the take-offs you do on current news stories are really funny but because the world is so screwy I sometimes can't figure out which part is true and which is fiction.

What's you favorite political issue? Hmmm, favorite? I'm not sure about that, but illegal aliens (now called immigrants by MSM and NutRoots) really gets my blood pressure boiling along with learning just how my tax money is being spent this year.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Katablog.com is written through the eyes of my very politically savvy kat, Cowkitty. He's too lazy to actually write it so I end up having to pen his thoughts.

What would you do for a Klondike Bar? More appropriate of a question would be, what wouldn't I do for a
Klondike Bar.

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Halloween was invented by John Edwards so that he wouldn't ALWAYS have to wear something over his fairy princess costume.

Rachel Lucas doesn't want me to link this.

She also has a bikini picture.

BAGHDAD (AP) - The top American commander in Iraq said Wednesday he was preparing recommendations on cutting troops before he returns to Washington next month for a report to Congress.

"The fact is," said Gen. David Petraeus, "there are simply too many troops in Iraq right now, and I have no choice but to recommend massive reductions in personnel. We simply have to be realistic."

"Look at all the troops there," he said, "Iranians, Al Qaeda, local Shiite insurgent groups, and even some disgruntled Baathists. These bastards have to go, and soon."

Gen. Patraeus, moments before knifing an Al Qaeda propaganda operative

"My plan is to reduce the foreign troop levels by shooting them, bombing them, or - if need be - even cutting the troops like a drunken Mexican with a razor blade. Truth be told, it doesn't matter HOW we take these suicidal Allah-worshipping sons of bitches out, but doing so will be my top recommendation to the President."

When asked whether American troop levels will be cut, Petraeus responded by punching the enquiring reporter smack in the eye and then administering several vicious spleen-kicks to the journalist as he lay on the ground, screaming.

After letting loose with a torrent of language that would make Howard Stern blush like a Catholic schoolgirl, the General elaborated further on his views.

"You blasphemously ignorant suck-weasel! We've spent the last four and a half years sweating, bleeding, and dying in Iraq to keep ungrateful, traitorous malcontents like you safe from terrorists, and you've got the unmitigated gall to suggest that we cut and run instead of killing more of the enemy? Just exactly how far up your ass IS your head, anyway?"

"You don't win wars by running away," explained Petraeus, "you win them by making your enemy dead. Dead! Dead! Dead!"

"Hell, even a semi-hydroencephalitic Liberal Arts major like yourself should be able to figure THAT one out."

After the mangled wreck of the reporter was carted off to an emergency room, the General concluded by clarifying his remarks.

"So... no."

Fred Thompson supports a "Fair Tax." I just don't like the name. "Fair" is an overused liberal word (think of the whine "That's not faaaair!"). What would be a better name for a national sales tax?

I can't come up with nut'n to blog. I tried really hard, but nothing is clicking. Maybe I need a better place to look for news headlines. Where do you people go?

I could just take whatever Harvey has queued up and put my name on it...

Some of the nutroots think that Padilla was just arbitrarily arrested and tortured and abused until he was almost a vegetable, so maybe they fear the government will do that to them as well. But if the Kwazy Kos Kids were turned into a mindless vegetables, would that actually affect their blogging in any adverse way?

The nutroots seem to be so upset with Padilla being found guilty because they think he was tortured or something, but if they actually think he was tortured and abused, wouldn't the worse outcome be that he was found not guilty and thus all this time we've been torturing an innocent man? Shouldn't they be sighing in relief saying to themselves, "Whew; that was close. I was so worried the Bush Administration was torturing an innocent man, but it ends up he was guilty all along. Dodged a bullet there."

Stupid liberals.

The left's hysterical reaction to the Jose Padilla verdict has caused me to ask: What do liberals love so much about terrorists? Is it their devil may care attitude? Is it their rebellious ways? Is it their hatred for the Jews (or, as liberals call them, neocons)?

I think it's because they both dislike the same things, namely America. What say you?

Four our of five dentists agree: You should avoid getting punched in the mouth by Fred Thompson. The fifth dentist hates you.

Dick

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Dick.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? I was involved in a rather nasty argument a few years back with a crazed, tree-hugging, liberal broad. In the midst of the furor, she stopped what she was doing, then began to scream out that I was nothing but a big dick.

I thanked her for the beautiful idea, smiled pleasantly, and walked away.

Where do you live? Dallas, Texas, where I was born and raised. Sorry, no habla. Should I?

How old are you? Somewhere around seven in dog years. What about yourself?

Tell us briefly about yourself. I'm one of the growing number of people who've met the love of their life through blogging and I couldn't imagine a life without her.

I freely admit that I was a Liberal when I was young. Fortunately, by the age of six, I learned to read and write, resulting in my political leanings changing dramatically.

I spent six years in the US Army Infantry, leaving as a Buck Sergeant. Most of my time in the service was spent far down South or in Europe. My drink of choice is Cuervo Black tequila straight, three fingers at a time. I was spit at, and called a baby killer back when it was fashionable.

My first novel is going to press as I type.

What is it about terrorists that makes us love to kill them? What's not to love? Every time a terrorist is toasted by one of our guys, Rosy gains another pound. Other than that, it has to be the crunchy sound they make when they go.

How long have you been reading IMAO? A couple or three years now, but that all depends on how much I've had to drink.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Me? I enjoy your quick quotes. The Fred Thompson and John Edwards facts are usually priceless. Notice I said usually. Sometimes you drop a turd, but I pretty much let those slide.

[Hey; no one bats a thousand. -Ed.]

What's you favorite political issue? Anytime Charles Rangel screws up and opens his pie hole. That gravy sucking bottom dweller cracks me up with the ludicrous crap he spews.

Also, I'm one of the few who wouldn't mind a civil war, but only if we could get the geographical boundaries sorted out.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. http://bigdicksplace.blogspot.com/

It's small in comparison to this joint with only 800-1000 readers a day, but I have fun with it. My Fattie Fridays are not for the weak of heart.

How do you cheer yourself up on a rainy day? It's the middle of August. I'm in Texas. We're begging for rain.

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Jose Padilla, hero of super-mainstream Kos types, was found guilty today of, in one Kos commenter's words, "being a non-white American citizen." Also, I think the supporting terrorism had something to do with it.

More coverage at Hot Air if you care about actual news. Me, I just think it's great that Jose was a pioneer showing it's possible to be a terrorist without being name Mohammad or Ahmed.

UPDATE

Here's someone getting her panties in a twist over the verdict and then questions Malkin's and Allahpundit's patriotism. After people in the comments start to her patriotism (as well as her logic and hysteria) she responds:

And may I say again I am stunned so many people who consider themselves to be patriotic Americans are so cheerful about flushing American values down the toilet. Y’all should be ashamed of yourselves.

Comments are now closed.

These people couldn't be anymore pathetic if they were on a street corner holding up a cardboard sign saying, "Will hate booosh for food."

KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine (Reuters) - President Bush appeared invigorated after inviting the recently-elected French President Nicolas Sarkozy to his Kennebunkport vacation home where he spent the weekend playing spiteful practical jokes on and cruelly taunting France's leader as revenge for French political activities during the run-up to the Iraq War.

"Well, that swishy little girl Chirac never had the guts to face me in person, so I figured I could get a little payback outta Sarkozy," said President Bush. "I sweet-talked him into coming up to my house and just started messin' with Froggy's head."

Bush suckers France's naive president with a joy buzzer.

"First thing I did was hand him a hamburger, waited until he bit the edge, then told him, 'Whoa, there, Pierre! That's not how we eat a burger in America! Ya take the top bun off, then start lickin' the meat.' Would you believe that idiot actually started DOING it? I'm totally putting that one up on YouTube!"

Bush then took a verbal swipe at the visiting dignitary. "Just like eatin' an Oreo, ain't it? You DO have Oreos in France, right? Oh... wait... the only black & white things you have over there are the burnt out shells of cars after Muslim riots".

Sarkozy, embarrassed, said nothing.

Bush continued to goad. "Come on Sarky, it's not THAT bad. At least you smelly grape-stompers still got your national health care, right? Say... does that include air-conditioners now, or are you guys planning on roasting a few thousand more old people this year?"

After nightfall, Bush stopped the verbal barbs in favor of some old reliable frat-house pranks. "It was sorta like those 'Messin With Sasquatch' commercials," said Bush, "except hairier and smellier."

"In one night," bragged the President, "I pulled the shaving cream in the hand trick, dipped his other hand in warm water, and woke him up with a bag of flaming dog poo."

"I ain't had this much fun since I tricked Putin into wearing a dress," grinned Bush. "That picture's EVERYWHERE now."

"It was a great time," concluded the President. "I may have lost Blair as my poodle, but now I've definitely made Sarkozy my bitch."

Apparently Washington Post/Newsweek has made a blog for foreigners to spout off about why they hate America. That's kinda stupid; why would any American care what a foreigner thinks? I guess it makes them feel better to think that Americans might actually listen to them. Maybe we can outsource reading the blog to India where people can pretend to be Americans and respond to America hate with "Wow. I didn't know other countries thought of us that way. You've really opened my eyes." or "I guess America has to work harder at not being imperialist." or whatever it is foreigners want to hear Americans say. If we're going to pay an Indian a dollar an hour to respond, he can figure that out.

There isn't a hooker in the world who wouldn't sell her soul to have John Edwards's perfect, round little ass.

Bonus fact: Estimated street value of John Edwards's perfect, round little ass: $10,000.

Bonus bonus fact: 10 cartons of cigarettes in Attica.

Hugo Chavez is proposing a six hour workday for his people. Does the six hours of work include the standing on a street corner begging for change?

By now, I'm sure you've heard of the poor woman who had blood thirsty American soldiers fling bullets through her bedroom. This is sad on so many levels and leads me to ask many important questions:

Why were they flinging bullets at her?

As the AP gun experts would ask, "Don't they have guns that go bang and stuff?"

Why were they targeting this poor woman? Was she a reporter?

But wait there's more!

IMAO has learned that this was NOT the orginal photo! That's right. The AP changed the photo and the original caption. Thanks to the tireless team at IMAO (Motto: Don't talk to me, I'm on a break) we have a picture and the text of the original materials.

Read More...

Apparently President Bush is trying to kill the Islamic messiah (according to Iranian press). I think this is a good thing. There's been a big taboo about killing messiahs ever since the Jesus incident, but maybe it's time we get over it. While everyone now agrees that Jesus was a really nice person and that killing him wasn't very smurfy, considering the kind of followers this Mehdi guy attracts, the Islamic messiah is probably a big stupid jerk. I bet he's all like, "I'm the messiah! Bring me food and women! Kill unbelievers!"

No, Islamic messiah, we're going to kill you.

I think it would be awesome if President Bush hunted down the Islamic messiah himself and decapitated him, absorbing the Islamic messiah's powers. Then he could declare, "I am now the Islamic messiah!" and command Iran to give us all their oil, diamonds, and mutual funds. In the end, that's all we ever wanted from Iran: Every single thing of value they own.

This is supposed to be a photo of a woman's home after coalition forces raided it. Notice anything funny about it?

Read More...

If we're forced into a war with Iran, Ahmadinejad is going to be a lot harder to hunt down than Saddam. Saddam had to make a whole spider hole to hide in, but Ahmadinejad is tiny; he could hide in any drawer or shoe box in Iran. We'll never find him.

Q. Liberals often refer to the "Right Wing Noise Machine," but what substantive critiques of conservative ideas do liberals have?

Keith Olbermann's answers:

People say they never forget the first time they voted for Fred Thompson. For most people, it was at a voting booth.

wRitErsbLock and her husband, sherlock, got to see Mitt Romney in Orlando. She has pictures including those of the Ron Paul supporters who nearly took over the event through their sheer numbers.

John Hawkins of Right Wing News has his updated list of favorite blogs, and look who beat out Rachel Lucas. How did we beat her? As I keep explaining to my wife, men are better at everything.

Here's a heartbreaking AFP photo of what coalition forces did to puppies. This is why I hate America and our troops!

Devil_Dog

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Devil_Dog.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? It's a nickname for United States Marines-- of which I am one. It comes from WW-I when the German officers said the American Marines fought like "Teufel-hunden," which were the vicious, wild, and ferocious mountain dogs of Bavarian folklore.

Where do you live? Currently in Reno, Nevada (from Colorado, though).

How old are you? Forty-three... chronologically, that is.

Tell us briefly about yourself. Retired from USMC. Currently working in national nuclear security, teaching all manner of death-dealing (armed and unarmed fighting skills). All "free" time spent with family and writing my novels.

Do you think ninjas are underused in foreign policy? There is no way to overstate just how underused they are in foreign policy! Imagine the instant respect (and cold, stark fear) from the world if Condoleezza Rice had appointed a ninja to a high-level diplomatic post... instead of Cal Ripkin Jr. Now THERE'S a press conference for you!

How long have you been reading IMAO? Since 2003.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Hands down, "In My World: Career Day": http://www.imao.us/archives/000602.html - You've never written anything funnier than that one!

What's you favorite political issue? Probably national defense, since nothing else matters unless we're safe from the bad guys.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. For two years, I posted on Right Equals Might (www.rightequalsmight.com). I just put that site on hiatus in order to concentrate on my books. Just published one about Guardian Angels called "Guardian Dear" (here's the trailer for it: http://youtube.com/watch?v=j8ckPtJwz28 - and the web site for it: http://www.guardiandear.com/ ), and I'm finishing another on a completely different subject.

BTW, you would like "Guardian Dear," since it deals with lots of violence (swords galore!) and the Book of Tobit figures prominently in it. Non-Catholics will like it, too... maybe just not as much.

What kind of person do you imagine dislikes IMAO? Probably the standard, prototypical, drooling, dumb, monkey-faced drone who sacrificed a sense of humor for "speaking truth to power."

Also probably werewolves... what with the whole moon thing and all.

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

I'm kinda irked that Obama said that our troops are "just air-raiding villages and killing civilians" in Afghanistan.

Like it's not important or something. I mean it's not like the terrorists are going to pick up the slack if we don't do it.

But the fact is, the US military has got a lot on its plate over there in the 'stan. Here are some of the jobs our boys are expected to do every day:

---

* Target journalists

* Throw candy at kids and not laugh when it bounces off their foreheads & makes 'em yip & go cross-eyed.

* Nod, smile, and make polite listening noises while natives blather on and on about their pointless, unimportant lives. Thank God we've got married men over there.

* Participate in a game of Buzkashi with the locals because - ever since Rambo III - the natives think ALL Americans love playing dead-goat-polo. Damn you Sylvester Stallone!

* Scour the poppy fields for lions, dogs, little girls, scarecrows, and some guy who looks like Jet Jaguar.

* Take turns leading Osama Bin Laden around on a leash in his secret prison cell.

* Oh HELL yeah. We've had him in custody since 2001. Anyone who thinks otherwise probably thought Paul was dead back in '66, too.

* Keep "accidentally" lobbing shells across the border into Iran, just to keep Ahmadinejad twitchy.

* Learn enough Pashto to say "I am not Rambo". Damn you again, Sylvester Stallone!

* Throw terrorists into leftover Russian minefields and see how far they bounce. Sorta like live-action Kitten Cannon.

* Hack into the Taliban's web site and change the front page to something like:

---

Of course, if Obama were President, they'd be air-raiding villages & bombing civilians in Pakistan, which is completely different.

Jackass.

He must die to cool the earth.

It ends up that orangutans are being slaughtered in the name of fighting global warming. Interestingly enough, I have just been thinking that with allllll the scientists who believe that global warming is caused by man, maybe they are right. Maybe we do have to kill all the monkeys.

Also, I think another way to fight global warming is to set squirrels on fire. Squirrels eat nuts which could have otherwise grown into trees to help fight global warming. If we set all the squirrels on fire, there will be more trees and less warming! Kill them and the monkeys for the sake of the world! Either squirrels will burn or the earth will!

John Edwards is actually a lesbian trapped in a lesbian's body.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
It takes John Edwards three times as long to shave as the average man. This isn't because his beard is heavier but because he has to also "hit the pits" and those areas around the knees and ankles can be so gosh darn tricky.

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards believes that there are two Americas: one where there are Islamofascists, Dick Cheney, and George W. Bush, and another one populated by fluffy bunnies, cuddly kittens, and darling lambs.

Helen NotReynolds has a little q and a she does on pajamas media.So I figured I'd ask a question. The preface here is a previous column she did about altruism. And it got me thinking.

Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2007 12:35:40 -0500
From: spacemonkey@lmao.us
To: askdrhelen@hotfemale.com
Subject: Doing A Public Service?

Would you consider someone who drinks puppy smoothies (and I'm not necessarily talking about your husband) as a doer of a public service akin to the job performed by animal shelter staff when they are putting down unwanted animals?

--
SpaceMonkey
---------------------

http://www.imao.us

Her response was telling as well as chilling.

Dear Spacemonkey,

Absolutely. Puppies really aren't animals anyway. They are technically foodstuffs and are grown in greenhouses or as at our house, a cloning vat. Manned day and night by hobos who are awaiting their "trip to the other side of the tracks" as Glenn likes to say.

They are delicious and refreshing. In this heat, a little public service that also refreshes is its own double reward. What good citizenry is all about: Doing the right thing when it helps you out.

Hope this helps.

Dr Helen

P.S. Buy a Volvo.

Always with the Volvo.

Now that's a great editing job.

"As you all know," Barack Obama said to an assembled crowd of supporters, "I opposed the Iraq War from the start. Of course, that was because I thought Iraq was a province of Canada. Well, now I have smarter reasons to oppose the Iraq War. We have to take our troops out of Iraq and out of Afghanistan where they're doing nothing but killing civilians and immediately invade Antarctica and bring peace between the penguin and seal population."

President Bush turned off the TV. "Boy is that guy stupid. I guess I better bring peace to the world before the next guy takes over."

Out of the shadows emerged the hooded figure of Karl Rove. "I'm afraid I won't be with you to the end of this journey."

"Whatcha you talk'n about, Rove?"

"According to the ancient Book of Punditry, now is the time I retire permanently to the shadows."

"And do what?"

Rove eyes glowed. "Dark things... Plus, I'm going to spend more time with my family. Also, I'm writing a book."

"Really? What's it called?"

"Working title is the Necronomicon."

"Eh... I don't read books."

"I'm well aware of that."

Bush hung his head sadly. "Aww... we were such a great team. You were like Emperor Palpatine, Cheney was like Darth Vader, and I was like Jar Jar Binks, and together we were going to rule the galaxy! Now where are we going to get our evil to make others fear us? I don't know if Cheney can do that alone."

From another room they could hear Cheney shout, "More kittens! I'm hungry!"

Bush thought for a moment. "Hey, this isn't just some trick of yours, is it?"

Rove handed Bush a piece of paper. "Check today's talking points memo."

Bush read the first line aloud. "'Remember to belittle as crazy anyone who suggests Karl Rove's resignation is just a Rovian trick.' Hmm, who wrote this?" Bush checked the bottom of the memo. "Rarl Kove? Who's he?"

"He's... new." The shadows grew around Karl Rove to the point they almost enveloped the whole room. "Now is the time that I depart to the land of darkness and shadows. Know that I shall never truly be gone. Wherever a child cries, wherever dreams go unfulfilled, wherever suffering becomes unbearable, wherever a Republican seems inexplicably unconcerned with border issues, I shall be there!" For the last time, Rove faded back into the shadows, and then the shadows themselves disappeared leaving the room bright and cheery.

A kitten wandered into the room. Cheney then ran in behind it and snatched it up by the scruff of its neck.

"Rove is gone," Bush told him. "Now we have to figure things out ourselves."

"Well, the Democrats are pushing even harder to spoil things in Iraq now that they think victory might be possible."

Bush thought for a moment. "I know! We can invade Iran! Then everyone will complain about how that's a quagmire and ignore Iraq just like they now ignore Afghanistan."

Cheney shrugged his shoulders. "I guess that could work. Hey, have you seen my kitten dipping sauces?"

Look at this picture and read the first sentence of the caption and tell me you don't laugh out loud.

Uncle Jimbo found more instances of this woman in press pictures. When I saw here, first thing I thought of was the lamenting Lebanese woman and apparently others noticed the resemblance.

UPDATE:

More here. They aren't even U.S. military rounds. Also, you have to see what they did to a puppy!

I was very alarmed to see this story about a monkey repeatedly escaping a zoo. You'd think with all the modern technology we have, we'd have mastered how to isolate and contain a monkey by now. Well, if you can't keep a monkey caged, then you need to destroy. If you were a science lab that had a strain of small pox and it kept escaping, you'd expect them to destroy the virus rather than trying to contain it anymore. Such should be our attitude towards monkeys.

The most commonly known English phrases worldwide are "Hello," "Thank you," and "Please don't hurt me, Fred Thompson!"

Rick

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Rick.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? What can I say but that it's the name Karl Rove assigned me when I was born. I just noticed recently that there is another Rick on here, so I will be changing my name to Raving Lunatic. How do I come by that? Because my raving lunatic ways. They keep the crazies away. Or maybe it's the guns...

Where do you live? Goldsboro, NC. Home of Seymour-Johnson Air Force Base and the freakin' awesome F-15E Strike Eagle

How old are you? A psychotic 38. Some days I feel like I'm 11, others I feel like a salty old codger who's discovered young punks on his grass.

Tell us briefly about yourself. NC Native. Former musician. Private Pilot. NRA Life Member. Math Wizard. God's gift to Structural Steel Estimating. Super Stud (okay, I made that up). Brief enough?

Name a situation in which you'd expect someone to exclaim, "This looks like a job for Aquaman!" I dunno, I've never been that drunk.

How long have you been reading IMAO? About 5 months (thank Michelle Malkin). I came over once before, a little over a year ago, read a couple of posts, and said "This crap is stupid." It must have been an off day for us both!

[We don't do smart crap. -Ed.]

What's your favorite IMAO post? Know thy Enemy and In My World are pretty dang good

What's you favorite political issue? Isn't that sort of like asking which limb you enjoy having amputated? I care most about 2nd Amendment rights, National Security, and reducing that monstrosity we call the Mafia... oops, I mean the Federal Government. Illegal immigration ranks up there, too.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Yuppers, I'm one them there amateur bloggers. It's at 360.yahoo.com/rwoolard69 and it's called the Bodega of Babble. Of particular interest to you Frank, in all your worthy ninja worship, would be the entry Baby Ninja Strikes. The blog mostly consists of me being a smartass about politics and vainly attempting to be funny, plus political cartoons. And the occasional raving lunatic rant.

Do you think IMAO is balanced enough in its opinions, or is it too balanced? I think it's a little too balanced. We here at the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy are beginning to think you aren't a real right winger. As per the recent Republican fundraising letter I received, "We're beginning to doubt your credentials." You're beginning to sound an awful lot like a monkey-faced liberal, and quite frankly, we're tired of it. Get it together, son!

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If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

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Reader submissions:

From FormerHostage:

From Sir Andrew of GOPedia:

From HandsomeBill:

Two from Erik Wit:

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Obama says our current campaign in Afghanistan consists "solely of air raids and bombing of civilians." What else should our military actions consist of, though?

And don't start thinking Obama doesn't like our military; he just loves it so much he has trouble properly expressing himself.

Since Karl Rove is going to need a new job, I was thinking of some he might be good at.

POSSIBLE NEW JOBS FOR KARL ROVE

* Dementor
* Denny's night shift supervisor
* The guy who puts down puppies at the pound
* Ring wraith
* Pre-school teacher
* Cthulhu stand in
* Bond villain
* Serial killer
* Monster under the bed
* BET programs director
* Seal clubber
* Pirate
* Emperor

John Edwards doesn't play jumprope, since there's no rope thin enough for him to jump over without tripping.

Bonus fact from Lethbridge & Stewart:
John Edwards sulked in a darkened room for three days when he heard Reese Witherspoon was the new face of Avon.

Dean Barnett wrote an interesting post about how robotic politicians often seem. Excerpt:

It’s weird about politicians and TV. Off screen, politicians are often witty and engaging people. But on TV, most of them religiously and rigorously stay on message, even if the message is a hollow, unfunny and inscrutable one liner.

One big thing I hate about politics is how inhuman politicians feel they have to act in the public eye or otherwise they'll get attacked. That's why they're always sticking to their talking points like some talking points programmed robot that barely inputs what other people around it are saying.

It's time for a human politician! One who would say stuff like what we would say to each other or write on blogs (well maybe not this blog). Someone who doesn't worry that some people might get offended or take a joke the wrong way, because if someone starts to make an issue out of something he says, he'll say, "Stop being such a whiny little girl!"

And, really, there are a lot of people in politics right now who need to be told to not be such whiny little girls.

"There is nothing more despicable than those who, ignoring the call to fight, decide simply to nip at the heels of their betters," Popeye once said about anti-war activist. Everyone is annoyed by them, but what are they? I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about them. Here's what they found:

FUN FACTS ABOUT ANTI-WAR ACTIVISTS

* The first anti-war activists were angels in Heaven who cautioned God against sustained hostilities against Satan. God cast them into hell for the high crimes of being weenies. He also sent Satan to hell for the lesser crime of defying Him.

* What makes someone an anti-war activist? Perhaps war frightened him as a child. Or he's just a self-important douche.

* When threatened, the natural response is to fight back. In contrast, the natural response of an anti-war activist is to annoy and pester those who would fight back. Once again, he's a douche.

* As a child, anti-war activists usually start out by protesting the card game War.

* What does an anti-war activist think is important enough for people to die for? Only his own ego.

* Helping end a war makes people feel important. Most do that through fighting our enemies, but the anti-war activist only has yelling and sign waving skills, so he sticks to that to feel important.

* Why doesn't he wave signs at the enemy? Because they would shoot him. And who could blame them?

* If you find yourself surrounded by anti-war activists, make war sounds to scare them away.

* Is an anti-war activist more motivated by hatred of their free country or from love of its fascist enemy? Scientists have yet to determine an answer.

* The easiest way to tell a male from a female anti-war activist is that only the female ones are lesbians.

* Just because an anti-war activist prefers to wave signs and annoy America when America is threatened doesn't mean he hates America. It means he really hates America.

* America also hates him.

* An anti-war activist can be defeated through reasoned debate or fire. Fire is more effective.

* Why do anti-war activists hate America so much and want to see it humiliated on the battlefield? They hate a country that is so wealthy and civilized as to allow someone as useless as themselves to exist. They don't hate America; they hate themselves.

* So desiring to see America defeated on the battlefield, anti-war activists have thought of fighting along side America's enemies. The idea was rejected when it was determined that would take real convictions and not just an ego trip.

* How do anti-war activists have so much time to march around and wave signs? Due to continuing workplace discrimination against egotistical douches, they remain largely unemployed.

* In a fight between anti-war activists and Aquaman, Aquaman would beat them to death with one of their own minibuses. Hey, he did fight the Nazis.

* You can protest an anti-war through war.

* The movie Star Wars caused anti-war activist to envision what war protesting could be like in the future. None of them could come up with anything other than more yelling and sign-waving, though.

* It is uncertain what anti-war activists consume to continue their existence. Some scientists believe they actually turn annoyance into sustenance.

* The easiest way to defeat anti-war activists is to declare war on them. You can then easily pick them off while they protest anyone of them that tries to fight back.

* It's said that if you punch an anti-war activist, it brings you good luck. Many say that was a superstition started just because people liked punching anti-war activists anyway.

* They tried protesting the cola wars, but they gave up when they got thirsty.

* Anti-war activists feel that Vietnam was their biggest success. They hope that the countless slaughtered after America's retreat knew that at least they were helping some privileged Americans feel good about themselves.

So Der Spiegel has an article about how things aren't as bad in Iraq as many people think. After the New York Times did an editorial say we could win there, I guess being positive about Iraq is the new fad for liberal newspapers.

NEWSPAPERS: "I hope you weren't taking all of our negative, one-sided coverage of the war seriously; there's actually some big progress there."

PEOPLE: "I only bought you for the comics."

NEWSPAPERS: "You can actually get those online now."

PEOPLE: "Well then screw you."

Gearing up for Iowa, Hillary Clinton has finally decided to be completely honest with the public in her new ad:

(original source)

Cars should stop and look both ways for Fred Thompson before driving through a crosswalk.

ChrisA

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's ChrisA.

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What's the story behind your name? I was originally posting as Chris, but then another Chris started posting, so I decided to copy FrankJ and use my last initial. I'm not very clever at inventing nicknames for myself.

Where do you live? Winnebago, MN. And yes... we have a Dairy Queen here... not much else, though. My wife and I moved up here a year ago from Phoenix. You can shoot guns out on the farms! All I have to do now is finally get my own gun.

How old are you? 27

Tell us briefly about yourself. I'm married, work in a factory, go to church as a part-time aspiring Catholic. My hobbies are BBQing, playing with power tools, and making fun of hippies. I'm also looking at going to school to become an engineer.

Humor is fascist. Explain. I would've almost said it wasn't. But, maybe it is in the sense that it causes you to laugh uncontrollably, have difficulty breathing. After having experienced real humor, you'd have even more trouble being able to tolerate hate-filled lefties. So could it be fascist for having forced a change?

How long have you been reading IMAO? I've been reading for a few years now. I'm not sure how I found it anymore, but it made me laugh.

What's your favorite IMAO post? In My World has been a favorite along with some of the Don't Be a Hate-Filled Lefty. Fabulous Facts of John Edwards have been fun, too.

What's you favorite political issue? I like anything that exposes corrupt politicians or debunks the mainstream media. Crushing the immigration bill has been a real 'power to the people' moment.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I have a dorky blog at http://bitofterrific.blogspot.com/ I don't post very often, and it's usually about food when I do.

What would you do with a million pesos? I would ask my wife for a quarter, then I'd combine it with the million pesos and go to Burger King to get a value meal. Or, I could convert it all into Canadian money and be one of the richest people there!

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If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

In a terribly off-topic comment to a John Edwards post, anonymous commenter with no contact information Yak asks:

Exactly why is the U.S. deployed in Iraq, according to you?

Fine.

Let's stop mincing words.

We're in Iraq because Muslims have stated over and over and over that their only goal is to kill all non-Muslims.

After 9/11, we started taking them at their word, and since we didn't want to be killed, our only choice was to start killing Muslims before they killed us.

Iraq had Muslims in it, so it was as good a place to start as any. In fact, better than most, because it was in the heart of Muslim country, and having troops there gives us a credible force-projection threat throughout the entire putrid, corrupt, murderous Muslim region. It's easier to kill Muslims in other countries from Iraq than it is from Kuwait.

And now Muslims have two choices:

They can reform their vicious, degenerate religion so that it allows for peaceful co-existence with other religions and - after embracing this enlightened, live-and-let-live philosophy whole-heartedly - they can become productive members of the civilized world, much like post-WWII Germany and Japan.

OR

They can be exterminated like vermin.

All the rest of this crap about WMD's, and mass graves, and liberation, and oil fields, and insurgents is just so much political window-dressing. America is fighting for its life against an insidious, deadly ideology. The people who cling to that sick, 7th-century belief system must either change their minds or be killed.

I wish with all my heart that we had enough manpower to conquer every damn last Muslim nation on earth and root this virus out once and for all, but we don't. So we'll start in Iraq, dragging these barbarians kicking and screaming into the 21st century. After that, hopefully the rest of the Muslim world will get the point. If not, there will be further examples, nation by nation, until they do.

Then, when the Muslim world is either civilized or dead, the war will be over.

I hope that answers your question.

Here's a music video I saw on Hot Air I guess urging Muslims to make sure they pray five times a day or bad stuff will happen:

Not to be culturally insensitive, but does seeing Muslims in their centuries and centuries old clothing style using Mac laptops and attending board meetings make you think of those anachronistic Geico cavemen? And when the guy is hitting on women in burqas at a Food Court, the first thing that came to mind was that scene in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure where Genghis Khan and Socrates are running around a shopping mall.

You know, we Christians believe Jesus is the Son of God, but that doesn't mean we think the robes he wore were the end all in fashion sense.

John Edwards started life as an orphan who was raised by wolves - pansy-ass, effeminate wolves.

Some Dutch guy is calling for the Koran to be banned. Don't they kill people in Dutchland who speak out against Islam.

Hmm... but I guess they wouldn't know to kill you if they don't have a Koran...

Brilliant!

(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)

Scientists have announced they found another error in their data in support of global warming, having now just realized that they weren't actually recording temperatures for the past century but instead were looking at wind speed. "D'oh," explained one climatologist. Still, scientists assure the public that they remain a 110% certain that we will all die in floods and tornadoes if we don't switch our incandescent bulbs with compact florescent ones.

Scientists also want to remind the public that they are much smarter than the average man and anyone who questions them is a heretic.

Kos has declared that he and his followers who play with themselves while imagining fighting a Bush dictatorship are now the mainstream. I dunno. Here's a not necessarily comprehensive list of those more mainstream than the Kwazy Kos Kids:

MORE MAINSTREAM THAN THE DAILY KOS

* Michael Vick
* People who enjoy the comic styling of Carrot Top
* That guy in the commercials with all the question marks on his jacket
* The "Others" on Lost
* Ron Paul
* Sanjaya's fans
* People who don't think Lana Lang from Smallville is the most annoying character ever created
* Homeless people standing on the street corner talking to themselves
* People who regularly wear bow ties.
* Ferret enthusiasts
* People whose favorite flavor of jellybean is coconut
* The prisoners of Arkham Asylum
* People who don't find Crocs comfortable but wear them because they're stylish
* That crazy diaper-wearing, cross-country driving, kidnap-attempting astronaut
* The Bat-boy
* People who paint their houses pink
* The average Democrat