Hamas sure seems to like provoking Jews into killing them, so as a public service I thought I’d send my crack research staff to revisit and revise their facts about Hamas before research about Hamas becomes a job solely for anthropologists.
FUN FACTS ABOUT HAMAS
* Hamas was founded in 1987 according to some site I found with Google. I was eight years old then and wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut. Blowing up Jews had not crossed my mind.
* Hamas is Arabic for “dumb @#$% with explosives”.
* Contrary to popular belief, Hamas has nothing to do with ham. Actually, if you throw hams at them, they’ll get angry.
* Make sure to keep Hamas away from your Jews.
* I don’t like to loosely throw around charges of anti-Semitism, but I don’t think Hamas members like Jews.
* Hamas protects their armaments by hiding them among children so Israel will hesitate to shoot back. For a ground war, Hamas is planning on wearing vests covered in live puppies. Killing terrorists isn’t worth harming an innocent puppy, is it?
* If you’re surrounded by members of Hamas, shout, “One of you is secretly a Jew!” Then watch them shoot each other while screaming, “Who Jew?” It’s high-larious!
* One of the reasons that they keep attacking is that none of the Hamas members knows what “ceasefire” means and are too embarrassed to ask.
* If a Hamas member says he wants peace, it’s a trick! Shoot him the head.
* If a Hamas member says he wants to borrow the sports section from your newspaper, it’s a trick! Shoot him in the head.
* Hamas has a wing that’s devoted to charities. It’s a lot like the Salvation Army… if the Salvation Army murdered Jews.
* Actually, if you see a guy ringing a bell around Christmas, make sure he’s with Salvation Army and not a Hamas member before you give him money.
* If you’re in a cafe in Israel, and someone runs in there and indiscriminately starts shooting people, he could be a member of Hamas, so be careful.
* Hamas is a big part of the “cycle of violence”. They launch rockets at Israel, and then Israel is like, “Hey, don’t do that.” And thus the cycle of violence continues.
* The cycle of violence will continue on forever… or until Israel finally gets fed up and nukes the crap out of everyone.
* If you think you see a Hamas member, make sure to report him to the nearest heavily armed Jew.
* Hamas’s objective is to act like crazed murders to provoke Israel into a larger war where all the Muslim world comes together to destroy Israel. So far it hasn’t worked since the rest of the Muslim world like getting killed by Jews even less than Hamas.
* Hell, even I don’t like getting killed by Jews.
* If Hamas were actually able to destroy Israel, they would then go on to form the Muslim version of a utopia, i.e., ignorant Muslims killing each other over pieces of God-forsaken land. So it would be pretty much like the rest of the Middle East.
* Actually, without the oil, there really isn’t much of a point to that region, is there? We probably wouldn’t even bother mapping the area and just write “Here there be tygers.” But I digress.
* In a fight between Hamas and Aquaman, Hamas members would run into the ocean to try and suicide bomb Aquaman and all drown. Good job, Aquaman.
* Hamas tends to yell and complain a lot when Israel targets and kills their leaders, but they don’t like it when Israel targets and kills their children either. Hey, pick one and shut up.
* Sometimes Hamas members blow themselves up in their own apartments when they try making bombs. That makes me giggle. Hee hee.
* Many liberals feel a great amount of sympathy for Hamas as they’re a lot alike since they’re both misunderstood, smelly, and wish to indiscriminately kill the Jews.
* Members of Hamas, much like the northern short-tailed shrew, are largely illiterate.
* Maybe Isarelis and Hamas could all get along if they just hugged.
* No! Don’t hug the Hamas members; it’s a trick! They’re just going to blow up!
* For most combatants, the object is to kill the enemy while not being killed. Hamas had the idea, “Hey, what if we kill the enemy and kill ourselves at the same time?” And thus suicide bombing was born. It’s not a great idea, but you have to give Hamas props for thinking outside the box.
* Hamas won’t rest until the Jews are pushed out into the sea. That will significantly improve the GDP of the sea.
* If you make a Mexican laugh, and he wants an encore, he’d say, “Ha! Mas!”
* I think that means I’m about out of fun facts.