Know Thy Enemy: Hamas – Ver. 2.0

Hamas sure seems to like provoking Jews into killing them, so as a public service I thought I’d send my crack research staff to revisit and revise their facts about Hamas before research about Hamas becomes a job solely for anthropologists.

FUN FACTS ABOUT HAMAS

* Hamas was founded in 1987 according to some site I found with Google. I was eight years old then and wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut. Blowing up Jews had not crossed my mind.

* Hamas is Arabic for “dumb @#$% with explosives”.

* Contrary to popular belief, Hamas has nothing to do with ham. Actually, if you throw hams at them, they’ll get angry.

* Make sure to keep Hamas away from your Jews.

* I don’t like to loosely throw around charges of anti-Semitism, but I don’t think Hamas members like Jews.

* Hamas protects their armaments by hiding them among children so Israel will hesitate to shoot back. For a ground war, Hamas is planning on wearing vests covered in live puppies. Killing terrorists isn’t worth harming an innocent puppy, is it?

* If you’re surrounded by members of Hamas, shout, “One of you is secretly a Jew!” Then watch them shoot each other while screaming, “Who Jew?” It’s high-larious!

* One of the reasons that they keep attacking is that none of the Hamas members knows what “ceasefire” means and are too embarrassed to ask.

* If a Hamas member says he wants peace, it’s a trick! Shoot him the head.

* If a Hamas member says he wants to borrow the sports section from your newspaper, it’s a trick! Shoot him in the head.

* Hamas has a wing that’s devoted to charities. It’s a lot like the Salvation Army… if the Salvation Army murdered Jews.

* Actually, if you see a guy ringing a bell around Christmas, make sure he’s with Salvation Army and not a Hamas member before you give him money.

* If you’re in a cafe in Israel, and someone runs in there and indiscriminately starts shooting people, he could be a member of Hamas, so be careful.

* Hamas is a big part of the “cycle of violence”. They launch rockets at Israel, and then Israel is like, “Hey, don’t do that.” And thus the cycle of violence continues.

* The cycle of violence will continue on forever… or until Israel finally gets fed up and nukes the crap out of everyone.

* If you think you see a Hamas member, make sure to report him to the nearest heavily armed Jew.

* Hamas’s objective is to act like crazed murders to provoke Israel into a larger war where all the Muslim world comes together to destroy Israel. So far it hasn’t worked since the rest of the Muslim world like getting killed by Jews even less than Hamas.

* Hell, even I don’t like getting killed by Jews.

* If Hamas were actually able to destroy Israel, they would then go on to form the Muslim version of a utopia, i.e., ignorant Muslims killing each other over pieces of God-forsaken land. So it would be pretty much like the rest of the Middle East.

* Actually, without the oil, there really isn’t much of a point to that region, is there? We probably wouldn’t even bother mapping the area and just write “Here there be tygers.” But I digress.

* In a fight between Hamas and Aquaman, Hamas members would run into the ocean to try and suicide bomb Aquaman and all drown. Good job, Aquaman.

* Hamas tends to yell and complain a lot when Israel targets and kills their leaders, but they don’t like it when Israel targets and kills their children either. Hey, pick one and shut up.

* Sometimes Hamas members blow themselves up in their own apartments when they try making bombs. That makes me giggle. Hee hee.

* Many liberals feel a great amount of sympathy for Hamas as they’re a lot alike since they’re both misunderstood, smelly, and wish to indiscriminately kill the Jews.

* Members of Hamas, much like the northern short-tailed shrew, are largely illiterate.

* Maybe Isarelis and Hamas could all get along if they just hugged.

* No! Don’t hug the Hamas members; it’s a trick! They’re just going to blow up!

* For most combatants, the object is to kill the enemy while not being killed. Hamas had the idea, “Hey, what if we kill the enemy and kill ourselves at the same time?” And thus suicide bombing was born. It’s not a great idea, but you have to give Hamas props for thinking outside the box.

* Hamas won’t rest until the Jews are pushed out into the sea. That will significantly improve the GDP of the sea.

* If you make a Mexican laugh, and he wants an encore, he’d say, “Ha! Mas!”

* I think that means I’m about out of fun facts.

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28 Comments

  1. * Hell, even I don’t like getting killed by Jews.

    From your statement, it sounds as though you have never been killed by Jews, so how would you know? How can you say you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it?

    I had a great time getting killed by Jews. Their professionalism is impressive, and greatly reassuring. It was such an exhilarating experience that I went back the next year and had them kill me again. It was wonderful.

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  2. Know THINE enemy. On the other hand, I do like the spelling of tygers.

    [You must be new here. Yes, it’s incorrect, but very few people can correctly say why it’s incorrect so I decided it doesn’t matter. -Ed.]

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  3. “* If Hamas were actually able to destroy Israel, they would then go on to form the Muslim version of a utopia, i.e., ignorant Muslims killing each other over pieces of God-forsaken land. So it would be pretty much like the rest of the Middle East.”

    Yes indeed! But don’t forget about North Africa, “all the charm of the Middle East with 20 contagious diseases at no extra charge.”

    (Maybe that could could be an Algerian Airways promotion).

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  4. The liberal news outlets (i.e. mainstream media) are now talking about proportionality. Basically, the line of reasoning is this: Israel is being overly mean because when Hamas launches a bunch of crappy, puny missiles (which is all they have because they are primitive barbarians) and kills 20 Jews, and then Israel retaliates with a few really powerful missiles and kills 100 Arabs (because their technology is so much better), then Israel is issuing a disproportionate response.

    Not really. They are issuing a legitimate response with better weapons. Kind of like a football team winning 42-0 in the first half putting in their second string, who is still better than the other team and they end up winning 68-0. Then the coaches and fans of the losing team start whining about how the winning team was running the score up. How about this, losers: how about you shut up and either take us off your schedule (stop lobbing your crappy missiles into Israel) or suck it up and make yourselves better (drag yourselves into the 21st century).

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  5. The only reason Hamas wants to kill the Israelis is that Israelis are their only neighbors, so there is nobody else to kill. Hamas’ strip of land (Gaza) has borders with the Mediterranean Sea, Egyptian Sinai (i.e., sand with sand on top of sand), and Israel. An interesting experiment would be to move some Hamas to an area where they have different neighbors, and see if they continue trying to kill their neighbors, or if they really have a deep hatred only of Israelis. My bet: after not getting invited to the neighborhood BBQ, or on some other silly pretext, Hamas would start killing their new neighbors. Killing: it is what Hamas does.

    To fix this problem, Hamas either needs zero neighbors (a distant South Pacific island might work – is Pitcairn available?) or Hamas’ neighbors need zero Hamas.

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  6. Why waste a perfectly good South Pacific Island on Hamas?

    I vote for nice friendly iceberg in the Arctic. That way when they start killing their neighbors the polar bears, liberals will finally realize that Hamas is as bad as global warming. This way when their iceberg drifts south into warmer waters and melts, we can watch the coverage on CNN with out anyone bothering to prevent them from drowning.

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  7. Frank’s list is so complete, there’s nothing to add. Oh…

    * You can’t say “Hamas” reminds you of “Ham A**” because then you’d be thinking about Mary Katherine Ham’s … Never mind.

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  8. I say we just send Hillary over there on Jan 21 and convince Hamas how much more fun it would be to lob missiles and mortars into Syria. The Syrians have a much better sense of humor than the Israelies, and they know how to placate and negotiate with mindless, murdering blokes like the Hamasians…Hamassians? Hamaslites? Hamasorgians? Hammans?

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  9. What’s this with NBC banning Ann Coulter? My God! Pretty soon the Jooos will be at war with the Arabs! What the hell is going on out there? Oh…and NBC, MSNBC, Microsoft are all BANNED at my home. If we are going to live in the 3rd Reich…I shall live on the side of the oppressed rather than the oppressor…

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  10. Regarding the proportionality arguments — it is well within proportion as the Hamas gov’t, elected by the Palestinian people (won Gaza by a landslide), deliberately fire rockets at civilian targets, as opposed to military targets, a war crime. The Israelis only fire at legitimate targets in response to stop the rocket fire. Hence, when the media says Israel is disproportionate, they mean that in order for Israel to be proportionate would be to fire at civilian targets like Hamas does — Hey, this is a “total war.” When Nazi Germany targeted French and British civilian targets, they responded by firing back at German civilian targets. Really, what is the difference? O yeah, the Gazans democratically elected Hamas into power and there is overwhelming support for their activities — DIFF? Perhaps, the Gazans are less innocent than the Germans during Nazi Germany.

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  11. #2. Corona says:
    January 5th, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Know THINE enemy. On the other hand, I do like the spelling of tygers.

    [You must be new here. Yes, it’s incorrect, but very few people can correctly say why it’s incorrect so I decided it doesn’t matter. -Ed.]

    “Here There Be Tygers” is a short story written by Ray Bradbury.

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  12. I’ve heard Hamas members make a cool popping sound – kinda like bubble wrap – when you shoot ’em. I don’t know if it’s true, but it sure would be fun to find out. I love popping bubble wrap.

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  13. Brilliant, Frank! A good humorous take on Hamas is much needed right about now…
    I particularly appreciated the part about giggling as Hamas members blow themselves up while trying to make bombs–though I’ve never personally seen it happen, I’m sure it would be really cute to see an unintelligent little terrorist splatter his own blood and vital organs over the walls!

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  14. 2. Corona says:
    January 5th, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Know THINE enemy. On the other hand, I do like the spelling of tygers.

    [You must be new here. Yes, it’s incorrect, but very few people can correctly say why it’s incorrect so I decided it doesn’t matter. -Ed.]

    New as in +2 years? I can has free lunch?

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  15. Judges 16:2-3
    The people of Gaza were told, “Samson is here!” So they surrounded the place and lay in wait for him all night at the city gate. They made no move during the night, saying, “At dawn we’ll kill him.” But Samson lay there only until the middle of the night. Then he got up and took hold of the doors of the city gate, together with the two posts, and tore them loose, bar and all. He lifted them to his shoulders and carried them to the top of the hill that faces Hebron.

    Jeremiah 47:5
    Gaza will shave her head in mourning; Askelon will be silenced. O remnant on the plain, how long will you cut yourselves?

    Amos 1:7
    I will send fire upon the walls of Gaza that will consume her fortresses.

    Zephaniah 2:4
    Gaza will be abandoned and Ashkelon left in ruins. At midday Ashdod will be emptied and Ekron uprooted.

    Zechariah 9:5
    Ashkelon will see it and fear; Gaza will writhe in agony, and Ekron too, for her hope will wither. Gaza will lose her king and Ashkelon will be deserted.

    (Gaza has a worse win/loss record than the Memphis Grizzlies.
    Maybe they should give peace a chance this time.
    I’m just sayin’…)

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