Vehicle Control Advocates Say the Time is Now for Auto Bans

Posted on April 15, 2013 3:00 pm

[Article cross-posted at Nuking Politics]

Washington, D.C. (NPN) – Activists rallied at the National Mall today to voice their concerns about the growing danger of vehicles in the hands of crazed drivers, particularly high capacity vehicles.

“I demand all high capacity cars be outlawed!” shouted Daniel Smith, an organizer for the vehicle control advocacy group Coalition to Stop Car Violence. The advocacy group was just one of many organizing the rally that brought an astounding thirty five people to Washington to have their voices heard.

Most vehicle control advocates are just focusing on high capacity vehicles, and the Obama Administration seems to be catering to their concerns. When asked about the President’s stance on the issue, White House press secretary Jay Carney said that the President feels the time has come to put strict limits on how many passengers can be loaded into a single automobile.

“The President is in agreement with the people on this matter.” said Carney. “What we’re looking at most are the really large and dangerous vehicles, such as buses. Too many people are being run over by buses year after year.”

When questioned about Obama’s use of buses, Carney replied: “It is the President’s opinion that high capacity vehicles, such as buses, should only be in the hands of highly trained government drivers.” When asked further about the President’s use of buses to dispose of political liabilities, Carney shouted “Look! Squirrel!” and stood motionless with his eyes closed until the press room emptied.

While the support to place limits on large vehicles capable of being loaded quickly seems to be growing, some are arguing that just banning high capacity vehicles simply isn’t enough and a few lawmakers in the House and the Senate seem to be hearing them loud and clear.

“I hear them loud and clear,” said Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). “The time has come for common sense vehicle control, and not just high capacity vehicles like station wagons, vans, and buses, but also more dangerous vehicles.”

Senator Feinstein is leading the charge with a proposal that would have a sweeping effect on what will be allowed on the road…and on the sidewalk. Included in the draft of her bill is a complete ban of military assault style scooters, which are common in retirement areas.

“Buses are killing our children, and vans are kidnapping them.” said Feinstein. “But another issue that is overlooked are these dangerous scooters that are being foisted upon our senior citizens. These things can kill, and should only be allowed for police and military use.”

Not all groups feel that there needs to be vehicle control. Steven Oppy, president of the Monster Trucks, Guns, And Beer Association told us: “These people keep going on about common sense, but they’re not making any sense at all. It’s not big vehicles that kill people, it’s lousy drivers. I mean, have you ever driven in Detroit? Those people are crazy.”

Oppy and his group suggest an alternative to vehicle control: not allowing idiots on the road. “Really, that’s all we need to do to cut down on accidents.” said Oppy. “Send all of the idiots to California and then build a wall.”

But the Vice President, an Idiot-American himself, couldn’t disagree with that sentiment more. While giving a speech at a luncheon for the Disabled Veterans of Call of Duty Association, Biden briefly but passionately gave his opinion on the matter.

“Why do people need so many seats?” said Biden. “Why would you even want to sit in the back seat of a vehicle? It’s called shotgun people! Just ride shotgun.”

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NPN ace reporter Gendaibushi [High Praise!] contributed to this story.

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6 Responses to “Vehicle Control Advocates Say the Time is Now for Auto Bans”

  1. Erik says:

    This would be funny if it weren’t for the whole “street legality” thing that actually exists.

  2. Genghis Khen says:

    Yes, we need some autobahns here. Speed limits are for suckers.

  3. Carpenter says:

    what about low capacity vehicles containing overweight people?

    What happens if to many fat people drive to one destination all at the same time? It could happen if Oprah appeared at a mall.

    The the whole Earth could wibble and wobble out of balance or just capsize like a row boat. Too many fat people moving all at once could also cause the geometric center of gravity deep inside the Earth to shift which would be catastrophic.

  4. FredKey says:

    Today’s joke is tomorrow’s headline with these people. There is a move afoot to make local streets “and beyond” just 25 mph zones. And then that will be too dangerous; we need to make them 15. Etc., etc.

    “But if it saves just one life….”

  5. Jimmy says:

    @3: The laws of Waddlum Mechanics would make that wibbling and wobbling unlikely.

  6. Jimmy says:

    This is off-topic, but there really ought to be a law banning large-capacity, trash can bombs !

    That would have stopped what just happened in Boston, for sure. Yes indeed. It would have, surely. Yep! No question…

    Ah….

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