Keeping Obama entertained

The president is going on vacation.

Liberals must be glad to hear that. Destroying a country is hard work, and he needs to recharge.

I’m glad to hear it, because that means he won’t be actively destroying the country.

It’s nice when conservatives and liberals can come together to support the president when he does something.

But I’m thinking that 17 days isn’t enough time to let the country recover. Obama needs to go somewhere else when this upcoming vacation ends.

I’m thinking he could take a tour of all the golf courses in the country and leave regular folks alone.

Or, he could start a traveling basketball tour, like the Harlem Globetrotters.

Or, he could travel the country giving speaking tours. There are still people who want to hear him talk. But, to make it entertaining, don’t let him take his TelePrompTer. I might want to watch that. Or clips of it.

The point is, there are things Obama can do other than play president, since he does that so badly.

What ideas have you for what Obama can do for the next 413 days?

Discounting Obama

Did you miss the sale? Obama was on sale yesterday.

Why?

There are several possible reasons. One is: Barack Obama is racist.

After all, it was on Black Friday that they put a black man on sale. That’s gotta be racist, right?

There’s another reason: It’s a going-out-of-business sale.

That’s the one I’m banking on.

So, don’t worry. If you missed getting a discount on Barack Obama merchandise, you’ll get another chance. Come November, they’ll start marking down stuff to ridiculously low prices. Because, by January 20, 2013, everything must go.

Democrat math

Have you seen Obama’s new proposal? Remember that bill he wanted Congress to pass that night he gave the speech. It seems they finally got around to writing it. It calls for “$1.5 trillion in new tax revenue” plus another $1.5 trillion in spending cuts over 10 years.

What cuts?

Well, it cuts $250 billion from Medicare over 10 years. How much did Paul Ryan’s plan — the one where the Democrats showed grandma being thrown off a cliff — cut in the next 10 years? Zero. I guess Obama doesn’t want to wait until 2022 to toss grandma off a cliff. He threw his under the bus, so why not toss yours over a cliff, right?

Oh, yes, there are other savings, too. $330 billion from cuts to Medicaid and farm subsidies, according to the reports.

So, that’s 1/2 trillion dollars. Where does the other $1 trillion come from? The military. Specifically, it would be from money not spent on troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

So, does that mean that if Congress doesn’t pass the bill, he’s going to leave the troops over there? Is Obama kidnapping our military and holding them for ransom?

Because if the troops were coming home anyway, the money saved from bringing them back wouldn’t count as part of the proposal, right?

Here’s how his math works.

Raise taxes $1.5 trillion. Cut Medicare, Medicaid, and farm subsidies a third of that. That equals $3 trillion in savings.

Yeah, I can’t get the numbers to add up either. Or figure out how raising taxes is savings.

Must be another example of where reality is to be ignored in order to follow Dear Leader’s plan. There seems to be a lot of that.

Trade ya

According to AFP (Agence France-Presse, which is French or something for The Daily Planet, I think), Obama’s approval rating is at 75%.

In Europe.

… he remains highly popular in Europe, with 75 percent in 12 EU nations approving his handling of global affairs, a poll said Wednesday.

He is also much better liked than his predecessor George W. Bush, whose rating in Europe was just 20 percent in 2008, said the Transatlantic Trends poll by the German Marshall Fund.

Here’s what I think: if Europe like Barack Obama so much, they can have him.

But, we really should get something for him. I mean, he did kind of screw things up really bad here, so anything we can get would help offset the damage.

In baseball or pro football, trades happen all the time. In baseball, you hear about one player traded for another, or for a couple of minor leaguers. In pro football, some running back for a couple of draft choices happen from time to time. So why not in the oldest sport and second-oldest profession, politics?

Let’s trade Obama to Europe. But who should we get in return?

I’m thinking Nicolas Sarkozy would be an improvement. With that trade, we’d get a hot First Lady, too!

Heck, the desiccated corpse of Charles de Gaulle would be an improvement over Obama.

How about the Queen of England? Sure, all she does is ride around waving funny at people, but right now, that sounds pretty good.

Or the Pope. He doesn’t hate the Jews nearly as much as Obama does.

Maybe we could get Roman Polanski. Of course, he’d go straight to jail, but then we’d have a child rapist in jail and Obama in Europe. Win-win.

Or, perhaps instead of somebody from Europe, we could get a landmark or something. Like Stonehenge. Or the Rock of Gibraltar. Or Notre Dame de Paris. Or a pair of wooden shoes from the Netherlands. Any of these things would be an improvement over Obama.

So, what do you think? What would you like to get from Europe in exchange for Obama?

AttackWatch!!!

The Ministry of Truth Obama Administration has launched AttackWatch.com which will let you report people saying mean things about Big Brother the president.


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You can help. Go to AttackWatch.com and file a report.

Or, if you want, you can list things here. I’ll start.

  • I saw on the news that unemployment is up. I want to report the news.
  • I was going to report the Communist Party, but they support Obama’s tax hikes. So never mind about them.
  • There was a dog in the neighborhood that was barking. It sounded like a mean bark. So he had to be a Teabaggerz dog. I want to report him.
  • I started a movie on Netflix the other night when the president was on TV speaking, and the movie played instead of showing Obama. I want to report Netflix.

I’m sure there are plenty of other things you’ve seen that should be reported.

Tinpot Obama

As Doug Urbanski said, “Obama sounded like a blustering, tinpot dictator. He should give his next speech from a third-story balcony overlooking a large plaza. He could strap a military pistol on his hip and slap a few fake medals on his chest. Maybe Gaddafi has a crazy hat he can borrow.”

IMAO Reader Metryq took up my challenge to try bringing this image to life:


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And thus I award Metryq…

High Praise!

Anyone else seeking High Praise!, please send your Tinpot Obama pic to harvolson@gmail.com.

Excuses

Hey, did you hear the news? Obama has a jobs plan! And he’s going to actually appear on the TV set to tell us all about it?

Oh, you already heard? Then, you’re as excited as I am about it, aren’t you? Yeah, I thought so.

*Yawn*

Here’s the thing, though. Have you noticed what’s been happening to Obama as he tries to schedule things?

First, Obama absolutely has to tell us all about this awesome plan he has. But not today. Next week. When the Republicans are scheduled to debate. On NBC.

(By the way, don’t NBC and Obama talk any more? Maybe when Obama gets up in the morning, he doesn’t wake NBC. Then, he’s off to the golf course before NBC even gets out of bed.)

Anyway, Obama wanted to give this oh-so-important speech on Wednesday, September 7, the same night as the GOP debate. Then Claire Shipman’s husband came out and said, “The Republicans can move their debate. It’ll be okay with us.”

And NBC was, like, “awkward!” Then John Boehner (he’s the Speaker of the House or something) was all, like, “No, I’m doing my hair that night, so do it another night.”

So then Obama said he’d do it the next night. But then someone realized that the NFL was playing that night. (On a Thursday night? I thought that was reserved for 2nd-tier college football teams.)

Then Obama was all, “Oh, football? I forgot about that. We didn’t have that in Kenya when I was a boy.”

So, now, it’s still Thursday night, but at 7:00 PM.

Which means that the east coast gets to hear Obama speak, but the left coast will be at work (those that work, anyway) and not able to hear him.

What does all this mean?

It means that we’ve now discovered we can treat Obama like the pretty girls treat the nice-but-don’t-want-to-date-him guy from school.

Make an excuse for a date, and he’ll merrily go along.

“Hey, America? I was wondering if maybe you’d like to go out for a hamburger after study?”

“Oh, Barack, that’s so sweet of you to ask. But I’m doing my hair. Some other time, huh?”

“Okay then, America. How about the next night? We could head over to the Bijou and catch that new movie I heard you talking about?”

“Oh, Barack, that’s so sweet of you to ask. But I’m getting new wallpaper for my room, and I need to make sure everything is just right. You understand?”

“Sure I do, America. What about an early dinner then. Something quick, maybe?”

“Oh, Barack, that’s so sweet of you to ask. But I’ve got cheerleader practice, and just won’t have the time.”

You see? We could do that. We just need to line up excuses. Then, when Obama wants to do something, like give a speech or raise our taxes or push some gargantuan health care bill down out throat, we can offer up an excuse and he’ll put it off till some later time. We keep that up until January, 2013, and the problem takes care of itself.

Now, we just need some excuses.

Any ideas?

Toast

Did you see Chalaque Obama screw up a toast?

Normally, a toast of “To Her Majesty, the Queen” would be sufficient. But not to the World’s Smartest Human™. Oh, no. He-Who-Shall-Not-Shut-The-Hell-Up kept on rambling, over the national anthem.


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How many ways can a man embarrass himself, and, by extension due to his position, an entire country?

I propose a toast: To November 6, 2012.

Yes, the birth certificate is real

Now that Barack Obama has finally released his birth certificate, you would think that people would get back to more important things. But you’d be wrong.

Not everyone is convinced it’s real. But the evidence indicates that the birth certificate is real.

Decide for yourself.

First, here’s the birth certificate

Now, let’s look at the items that some are still questioning.

The background

Notice that the pattern background continues straight, while the paper itself curves down into the binding of the book in which it is contained.

There is a simple reason for this: The background actually curves up on the real document. This was a common practice in Hawaii in 1961. Hawaii had only been a state for a short period of time. Remember, the United States only got Hawaii after Franklin Roosevelt stole it from Japan to start World War II. Within 25 years after the end of that war, Hawaii was made the 57th state.

People knew that children born during those first few years wouldn’t even become eligible to be president until 1995. And that anyone born during those first few years would come under intense scrutiny. So, in order to assist those future examiners of documents, it was decided to make the background on documents curve up, in order to offset the natural downward curve that appeared when a bound document was photographed.

How did they accomplish this? Remember, we stole Hawaii from the Japanese. And Hawaii was Japan’s leading technology testing ground. The Japanese developed upward-curving background images in labs.

Other Japanese technology we uncovered in Hawaii would be used to fake the moon landings from 1969-1972.

The score: Real 1, Fake 0

Race of the father

Notice that the race of Barack Hussein Obama, the father listed on the birth certificate, is listed as “African.”

Some might wonder why “African” was used rather than “Negro,” “Black,” or even “Colored,” as was often the case in many states at the time.

The reason is simple: In order for the child to be considered an African-American in later years, the father would have to be listed as “African.”

It is true that the mother is listed as “Caucasian,” rather than “American,” but that was a common practice of those unenlightened times.

One other note: if the document was a forgery, the forgers would have made the mistake of listing the father as “African-American.” Instead, the “-American” was omitted, proving that it’s not a forgery.

The score: Real 2, Fake 0

Registrar’s signature

Some aren’t certain that the registrar’s signature is real.

It’s easy to see that it is, if you just look at it. It says “Ukulele,” which, as everyone knows, is of Hawaiian origin.

If the document was a forgery, the signature would have said “Banjo” or “Guitar” or even “Orutu” or “Nyatiti.” But it doesn’t. It says “Ukulele,” which is of obvious Hawaiian origin.

The score: Real 3, Fake 0

The clincher

There is one other piece of evidence that, even if all of those so far mentioned are explained away, will clinch it.

At the bottom of the form, in block 23, the question reads: Is this document a forgery?

The “No” checkbox is clearly marked.

The most convincing evidence is in the document itself. There is no need for outside resources being used to check and compare signatures, dates, or anything else. It’s clearly marked that the document is not a forgery.

What more proof do you need?

The final score: Real 1-gazillion, Fake 0

Going forward

It is clear from the evidence that Barack J. Obama was born in Hawaii. This should put all that birther nonsense to rest.

Now maybe the president can go about doing the important things he needs to do.

Like play golf and appear on Oprah.

Oh, Look… The Left Found Something to Be Offended About

This picture:

With this caption:

Now you know why — No birth certificate.

Let’s be honest.

George W. Bush has short hair and big sticky-out ears – he looks like a chimp

Obama has short hair and big sticky-out ears – he also looks like a chimp.

Michelle Obama does NOT have short hair and big sticky-out ears – she does, however look like Lursa.

Exit question: how come I had to paw through half of Google to find this picture, even though dozens of sites are mentioning it, yet the liberal media had no problem slapping me upside the head with Abu Ghraib photos every day for a month?

An opportunity wasted

Turns out that the president might not be to blame for his latest inability to open a door. Did you see his latest inability to open a door?


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Yes, that first one was actually a door, not a window.

As you can see, he’s finally learned how to use a door knob, because he managed to open the second door.

Which means the first of the two doors was locked.

Which means the second of the two doors wasn’t locked.

Somebody didn’t do his job right. Because that somebody left one of the doors unlocked. And now, Obama is back in the White House.

A perfectly good opportunity arose to keep him out, and someone dropped the ball. The country could have been saved by someone simply locking another door. Now, we’re back to going to hell in a handbasket.