I’m making it official: I am a candidate for President of the United States in 2012.

Now, before you dismiss me and my political aspirations, look at who else is running.

I’ll wait.

Yeah, see? You got Obama, who, even after over 2 years doing the job, isn’t capable of doing the job.

You got nobody else in the Democrats, unless Kucinich runs. He’s a joke.

Nadar will likely run as an independent or for the Green Party or the I’m-46-Years-Past-My-15-Minutes Party or something. He’s a joke.

For the Republicans, nobody will come out and say they’re running. They want to tease. I don’t mind so much someone that looks like Michele Bachmann or Sarah Palin when it comes to a tease, but a Haley Barbour or a Herman Cain or a Newt Gingrich or some other dude? And even the Michele or Sarah? I don’t want it to be a tease. I want it to be a prelude. You guys know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, no one on the Republican side will come out and say they’re running.

Of course there’s the whole Ron Paul thing. But he’s nothing more than Lyndon LaRouche without the conviction to commit mail fraud.

So, we need someone to run. And that someone to run is me.

Let me tell you a little about me.

1) I’m not a Muslim. I’ve been not a Muslim longer than Obama’s been not a Muslim.

I’m Baptist. We’ve had 3 Baptist presidents so far (Truman, Carter, and Clinton), so I’ve got that baggage. At least some of that is baggage.

But, I’m willing to counter that by going to extreme measures when it comes to a running mate. I’m thinking I’ll pick a Methodist. That ought to offer proper balance to the ticket.

B) I have a birth certificate. I know, it’s not fashionable to actually have one of these, but I do. I was born in this country. In Georgia. Which is a real state, not one of those made-up states like Hawaii or California.

III) I served in the military. I served during Desert Storm. No, not in Iraq, but I did manage to keep northern Virginia safe. Got a NDSM for it.

4th) I’ve actually had a real job. No, I’m not a career politician. Which means I don’t have any actual political experience, but hell, Obama’s political experience consisted of voting present, so I’m no worse off there. And, actually having a real job where you got to get up in the morning and hit the drive-through for breakfast and fight traffic and deal with dumbasses at work … Yeah I’ve done that. About to do it again in just a few minutes. So, I understand what all you little people have to go though. And I probably won’t forget you when I’m all big and important and president and such. Probably.

Five) I don’t mind pissing off people to get my way … when I’m right. Dealing with Congress? If I’m right, I’ll hold firm and not give an inch. What’s the worst that could happen? Congress won’t pass any legislation? Like that’s a bad thing?

Finally) I’m always right. That’s the good thing about being me. Whatever I say or do, I’m right. It’s awesome always being right. You ought to try it. I don’t know why more people don’t.

I’m not selfish about it, either. I’m willing to share my ability to always be right with the rest of the country.

So, vote for me in 2012. Then you can be right, too.

Walmart wants to put a store the District of Columbia. Four, actually. Including one at Georgia and Missouri Avenues.

Brenda K. Speaks

That’s a bad idea, according to Brenda K. Speaks, Advisory Neighborhood Commissioner, Ward 4B05. Why, you ask.

No, really. Go ahead and ask. I’ll wait.

Okay, since you asked. She doesn’t want Walmart because it will cause kids to steal:

Addressing a small, anti-Wal-Mart rally at City Hall on Monday, Speaks said young people would get criminal records when they couldn’t resist the temptation to steal.

Got it? Walmart doesn’t create jobs. It causes theft.

So, if some punk steals from Walmart, it’s because of the temptation created by Walmart, not because the kid is a little thief.

Keep this in mind if you ever get robbed. It’s your fault. Not the fault of the little punk that sticks a gun in your face and takes your money or your car. Yours.

Now, aren’t you ashamed that you have a job and a computer and stuff? You should be. Your are the cause of all things that are wrong with this country.

At least, if you think like Brenda K. Speaks.

I wonder what else is your fault? We need to keep an eye on the likes of you.

Did you miss the news the other day?

The Chicago Board of Election Commissioners ruled that former Obama chief of staff Rahm Emanuel is a Chicago resident and can run for mayor.

Part of the problem is that Emanuel doesn’t actually live in Chicago. Hasn’t for a couple of years. He says he’s paid taxes there. And that whole selling his house thing? He wasn’t really selling it.

The Board, in true Chicago style, said that as long as Emanuel was planning on going back, he was a resident.

Which brings me to my point: I’ve been to Chicago. Spent days there. Drove the roads and paid the tolls … which are road taxes. Even been to a White Sox game. And plan to go back to see a Cubs game at Wrigley.

Like Rahm Emanuel, I’ve been to Chicago, paid taxes there, and plan to go back.

Therefore, I am a Chicago resident.

So, I’m running for mayor, too.

And, since it’s Chicago, I want everyone to register so you can vote for me. I mean, it’s Chicago. Dead people vote there all the time. I don’t see why being alive should disqualify you. Just tell them you’re a Democrat. That should cut through any red tape.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do when I’m elected mayor of Chicago. I suppose I should think up some campaign promises or something. I mean, it’s what people running for office do, right?

Here are some of the things I’ve come up with:

• Rename US Cellular Field to Cominskey Park.
• Daily contests between Lou Malnati’s and Pizzeria Uno’s for best Original Chicago Style Pizza.
• Every holiday gets a massacre. St. Valentine’s Day has ridden that gravy train for too long!
• Oprah has to give cars to everybody.
• Lake Michigan is renamed Happy Fun Lake and is declared off-limits to Canada.

I’m looking for more ideas. When I’m elected mayor, I’ll have jobs for everyone who submits ideas and otherwise contributes to the campaign. As mayor of Chicago, I’ll be able to do that.

What’s the latest security issue with Web browsers? Knowing where you’ve been. And telling.

You know how on a Web browser, you can hit the back button and it’ll take you to the page you were just on. And how you can do that over and over? For a bit, anyway?

Well, the browser can do it because it keeps up with where you’ve been. And, some Websites can have code that tracks where you’ve been.

Lot of browsers report where you just came from. Suppose you clicked a link to come to this Website, your browser probably included the page you were on in the HTTP_REFERER header (yes, it’s correctly misspelled as “referer”). But this security issue isn’t that. It’s the actual reading of the Web browser history.

Didn’t know they could do that? Yeah, well they can. For lots of browsers anyway. LikeInternet Explorer and Firefox. And older version of Chrome and Safari.

The report adds to growing worry about surreptitious surveillance by Internet companies and comes as federal regulators in the U.S. are proposing a “Do Not Track” tool that would prevent advertisers from following consumers around online to sell them more products.

The researchers found 46 sites, ranging from smutty to staid, that tried to pry loose their visitors browsing histories using this technique, sometimes with homegrown tracking code. Nearly half of the 46 sites, including financial research site Morningstar.com and news site Newsmax.com, used an ad-targeting company, Interclick, which says its code was responsible for the tracking.

Oh, and I’m not saying we have any of that kind of tracking code here, but some of you people are freaks. Seriously. I can’t believe the places some of you go.

I do wonder, though, what would happen if WikiLeaks got hold of this information for, say, the president? Or some of his cabinet? So, I did some digging. And here’s what I found.

Obama’s most-visited Websites?

• Google search for Barack Obama.
• Yahoo search for Barack Obama.
• Bing search for Barack Obama.

Joe Biden’s most-visited Websites?

• Trick question. His computer is an Etch-A-Sketch.

I’m sort of afraid to ask, but … what do you think are the most-visited Websites by some high-profile people? Oh, and you may not want to include a link. Or I may not want you to.

Columbus radio makes me sad and angry. Columbus, Georgia, in case you didn’t know.

Let me explain. The “radio makes me angry” not the “Georgia” part.

I used to work in radio, back in high school and for a little bit afterwards. I know that it’s possible to play one song at a time, and not have two overlapping so you can’t hear either.

I know it’s possible to have one commercial playing at a time, not have two or three playing at the same time.

I also know it’s possible to have up-to-date commercials playing, not some Halloween Sale at the furniture store running the week after Thanksgiving.

Columbus radio stations, many of them anyway, don’t seem to understand that. The typical listener, I suppose, it just confuses. Me, it pisses off. Because I know what’s happening: there’s an idiot getting paid money (not good money, but money, anyway) to not do his job right. A job that I could do well (the production board, not the announcing part, though I did both at the same time) when I was in high school.

Maybe I’m odd that way. But, think about it. If you were witnessing someone do something you know how to do, and they always screwed it up, wouldn’t you want to say something? Or walk away shaking your head? Or take a stick and … well, you understand, right?

That kind of stuff makes me just shake my head. But, I get over it easy enough. It’s called XM Radio. When I find a local station that is playing good music (doesn’t happen often, but it does happen), I’ll listen. But, when they start screwing up (which does happen often) I switch over to XM. They don’t screw up. At least, not that I’ve noticed.

The music isn’t always what I want to hear. Some of the music from the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s really sucked. But, with the number of stations they have, I can usually find something I can listen to. Heck, if Classic Vinyl or Classic Rewind are playing crappy stuff, I’ll even drop down to the 40s on 4, or Symphony Hall, or something. The point is, when the local radio stations get me in a bad mood because of their incompetence, I can find something on XM. Happens a lot. I can find music to get me out of a bad mood.

Works for lots of people. That’s why they play Christmas music on the radio starting in August. Seems like that’s when they start it.

XM does the same thing. The playing Christmas music early part. I discovered that a couple of weeks ago when I picked Wife up from work. You see, I normally listen to 60s or 70s music. But, when I picked her up, I switched the radio to XM 23 / Love.

You guys know why. Mood music. You don’t have to play mood music for a guy. Heck, listening to music doesn’t get guys in the mood. Just the fact we have dangly parts is all it takes to get guys in the mood. And music won’t get guys out of the mood. The only sounds that might get a guy out of the mood might be a baby crying. Maybe. Other than that, most guys are ready to go at the drop of a hat. Or at the drop of a skirt.

Women, though, are different characters. That’s why XM Radio (and Sirius, on channel 3) has that Love Songs channel. There are some guys helping out in programming, and they understand.

Anyway, I put the radio on Love Songs just as Wife got into the car. Mood music. And, it worked. Seems that, until the end of the year, instead of Love Songs, that channel is now Contemporary Holiday Favorites. Christmas-like music featuring John Mayer, Colbie Caillat, Josh Groban, Michael Buble, and other people I’ve never heard of. In fact, I though Josh Groban coached the Raiders at one time. Or was it Tampa Bay?

Anyway, as mood music, it worked. Only, instead of us running home and getting busy, we went to Walmart. And Kmart. And Sears. All on the same night.

And, other stores on nights since then.

Yep, that mood music really works.

Maybe we need some mood music for other things, too.

If we could find out what radio Obama listens to, maybe we could get them to play songs to make him, I don’t know, actually be an American president. Like ”God Bless the USA.” Then again, I’m not sure Obama believes in either of those.

I wonder what Obama listens to. What kind of radio programs gets him in the mood to do the things he does. Does SiriusXM have an Incompetent Channel? If so, they need to change it. And fast.

It made news recently that Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal called for Congress to become part-time:

“When they live under the same rules and laws they passed for the rest of us, maybe you’d see some more common sense coming out of Washington, D.C.” he told the conservative publication. “Instead, you got a permanent governing political class.”

Jindal, who once served as a congressman, cited Mark Twain in his proposal.

“We used to pay farmers not to grow crops, let’s pay congressmen to stay out of Washington, D.C.,” he said. “Mark Twain said that our liberty, our wallets were safest when the legislature’s not in session.”

Heck, I’ve been advocating a part-time Congress for a while. But I’d take a slightly different approach.

First, I’d go along with a part-time Congress. After a Congress is elected, one 90-day session, and then adjournment sine die.

I’m not so sure about term limits. If someone does a good job part-time, let him stay at it. With it becoming a part-time job, we might not end up with so many Congressman-for-life situations. I’d skip term limits.

Next, I’d clean out Washington. It’s the seat of government. And, with a part-time government, we don’t need so much going on there. We certainly don’t need anyone living there. No housing. None. No one would own a house or an apartment in Washington. Because no one would live there.

The District of Columbia was set aside for the seat of government, and should be that and nothing more.

Sure, there are a lot of people that live and work in Washington, DC. There shouldn’t be. Yes, it would be difficult to have to get a real job. I hate it for them.

And, well, I’d stop there. For now. I mean, with a part-time Congress, and no reason for a bunch of people living there, that pretty much solves most of the problems coming out of Washington.

But, maybe I’m a little too optimistic. What do you think? What would you do to clean up Washington. Or, better, clean out Washington?

Saw a news story recently about a man who hired a couple of whores who then took his money without, um, completing the deal:

After he placed payment on a stereo, one of the prostitutes showed him her chest, but the second did not perform oral sex, Haden said. The women took the money and left.

The police arrested him for “patronizing prostitution.”

This is a lot like the people who voted for Obama that are now complaining.

I mean, many of us on the right told people that it was a bad idea to vote for Obama. But, being of age and everything, a lot of people went ahead and did something really stupid. The parallels are obvious.

Only, while police can arrest people for paying for hookers, we can’t arrest people for voting for socialist idiots. And we shouldn’t. I’m all for hitting Obama voters with a stick, but not for arresting them. As long as when you hit them with a stick, you do it hard enough to knock some sense into them. You don’t want to waste a stick.

Anyway, I don’t mind people who voted for Obama suffering the consequences of their actions. I just don’t like having to suffer the consequences of their actions with them. I mean, I didn’t pay money to a couple of hookers and get ripped off; why should I be out any money?

But, in politics, that’s not how it works. If you throw away your vote like this guy threw away money at whores, you get screwed. Along with everybody else. But not in the good way.

What can Sarah Palin do?

The better question is: What can Sarah Palin not do?

I discovered just how talented and versatile she is. She can quarterback Auburn University.

No, really. Look:

Source: Columbus Ledger-Enquirer

It surprised me, to say the least.

With her leading Auburn on the gridiron, I suspect she’s completely lost all the Boise State and Texas Christian fans. All 20 of them.

Nancy Pelosi summed up her term as Speaker of the House: “Job well done.”

No, really. She actually said that:

“We believe we did the right thing, and we worked very hard in our campaigns to convey that to the American people,” she said. “Nine and a half percent unemployment is a very eclipsing event. If people don’t have a job, they’re not too interested in how you intend for them to have a job. They want to see results.”

Asked to assess her tenure, Pelosi quickly answered, “Job well done.”

See? You thought I made that up. But I didn’t. She actually said that.

But, you know, thinking about it … she may be right. Depending on what she thought her job was.

• If you thought your job was to bring America to the brink of financial ruin, then job well done.
• If you thought your job was to make Americans miss having Republicans in charge, then job well done.
• If you thought your job was to ram through ill-conceived, unwanted legislation, then job well done.
• If you thought your job was to stand there and look stupid, then job well done.
• If you thought your job was to bring Congress’ approval rating down to all-time lows, then job well done.
• If you thought your job was to help Americans understand that voters in your district are stark raving mad, then job well done.
• If you thought your job was to be the punchline of a joke, then job well done.

How would you assess Nancy Pelosi’s job?

Sunday

Hello? Delaware Channel 28?

Uhhhh. What?

I’m trying to reach Channel 28. Have I reached the correct number?

Uhhhh. Sure, yeah.

This is Christine O’Donnell. I had paid to have an ad run at 11:30, and it didn’t run.
(more…)

They found out what causes people to be liberal. It’s in the genes.

According to scientists at UC San Diego and Harvard University, “ideology is affected not just by social factors, but also by a dopamine receptor gene called DRD4.”

The number of friends you have as a child also factors in, according to the study. Which means that if, while immature, you have influences from other immature people, you become a liberal. Which proves that liberalism is immaturity squared.

Now that they’ve found out what causes it, we can cure it.

I propose that we fund gene therapy projects that will get rid of that gene. Or those with it.

Sure, a bunch of pansies on the left might object to my saying that, so, let’s compromise. We’ll start by getting rid of those with the gene in a small sample.

What say we start with a national test group of 535. We can remove those in that sample group that have the gene, and we can do that on the first Tuesday in November. And, we can have smaller study groups at the state and local levels at the same time.

Let’s try that and see how it goes. If things get better, we can then expand it to the rest of the country.

Okay, maybe Jimmy Carter didn’t say that things suck so bad, that’s it’s like it was when he was president.

What he actually said was that America is no better off today than it was in the late ’70s.

But he was saying how wonderful it was then.

Only, I remember it being no-so-great. I was around then. I turned 18 in 1976, before Carter was elected. And I remember his administration through the eyes of someone out of high school, going to college, working jobs, buying groceries, putting gas in the car, and paying taxes. You know, adult things.

I was there in the 1970s. And the late ’70s sucked.

So, I find that I actually agree with Jimmy Carter. At least, I agree that, today, America isn’t in any better shape than it was in the late 1970s. Because, other than ’70s music, the rest of the ’70s pretty much sucked. And, even late ’70s music had disco, so it kinda sucked at times, too.

Think about this:

• Double-digit unemployment. 
• American not respected by the world.
• Fears of running out of oil.
• A complete incompetent in the White House.
• Democrats screwing things up so badly that their majorities in Congress are in jeopardy.

Am I talking about the late ’70s or today?

Yes, I am.

But don’t get too confident that changes for the better are in store. In the 1980 election, 41% of Americans voted to reelect Jimmy Carter.

See? We’ve had stupid people voting for a long, long time. We need more smart people voting this year. If you know any, tell them there’s an election.

And, whatever you do, do not let the stupid people know about the election. They’ll just screw it up. Like they did in 1976. And 2008.

There it is. I found it. In an Associated Press story. In the Washington Post. The finally admit it: people that support Democrats aren’t real Americans!

The story is about a proposal in Portland, Maine, that will allow non-citizens to vote. Now, it’s not proposing to allow illegal immigrants to vote. It’s proposing to allow legal immigrants who are not citizens to vote.

And one of the people that the story profiled  lives in Minneapolis, has lived there nearly two decades, but hasn’t learned much English and still isn’t a citizen. But, he sends his kids to public school and wants to vote for those on the school board.

Guess who he wants to vote for? Democrats.

“I like the Democrats. I want to vote for Democrats, but I don’t have citizenship,” he said.

Why isn’t he a citizen? The AP story sums it up:

To become a citizen, immigrants must be a lawful permanent resident for at least five years, pass tests on English and U.S. history and government, and swear allegiance to the United States.

See the problem? He’d have to swear allegiance to the United States. And there’s no way he could follow through on that oath and vote for a Democrat.

No one who loves American could vote for a Democrat.

There’s a new poll out. And it shows that the president’s approval rating isn’t all that great.

Except among Blacks.

According to the latest Gallup Poll (tip: Los Angeles Times Top of the Ticket), 91% of Blacks approve of the job Obama is doing, compared to 36% for Whites.

What?

91%?

Really, Black Folks?

Sometimes, I just don’t understand.

I grew up in southeast Georgia, where Blacks made up 40% of the population. We went to school together, played together, went to church together… But do I really understand Blacks?

Hell, I don’t understand my sisters, so understanding Blacks? That may be too much to ask.

Still, I did learn early on that Blacks and Whites do some things differently.

Like playing the card game Tonk. Or playing checkers with Flying Kings. And, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, then you don’t know Black Folks. Or Black Folks in the south, anyway.

Little things like that made me aware that different people … are different.

Now, it’s not just different races that do things different. Wife’s family, mostly from Alabama, for instance, has some really strange ways of playing Dominoes.

And that fits with what I learned early on: different people, whether of different races, different sexes, different locations, do and think things different from one another.

So, I suppose I’m not all that surprised that Blacks have a different opinion of Barack Obama’s job performance.

But, a difference of 91% to 36% in Obama’s approval rating? That’s more than “playing checkers with Flying Kings” different.

I suspect there’s a little bit of the whole “Black man done good” thing going on.

Only, here’s the thing: he ain’t doing all that good. And he ain’t all that Black.

It’s been a couple of years now. Time to get over that “proud of what that Black man done” thing when it comes to Obama.

Because, Obama is doing nothing positive for Blacks.

Think about this: If a politician from Georgia ran for president, what’s the first thing people would think? I’ll tell you: Jimmy Carter.

It’d be hard for someone from Georgia to get elected president. And this is nearly 30 years after Carter left office. Carter spoiled it for Sam Nunn, Zell Miller, and others who might have made decent presidents. And who knows how long it will be before any politician from Georgia could run for president and people not wonder if he’d be another Jimmy Carter?

What does that mean for Blacks? Barack Obama is the Black Jimmy Carter. Obama is screwing it up for other Blacks. He’s doing a sucky job at president. Not because he’s Black, but because he’s an incompetent fool. Just like Jimmy Carter.

So, to my Black friends — and to Blacks that aren’t my friends — that still think Obama is doing a good job: open your eyes.

And raise your standards.

You’re in the desert.

It’s hot, the sun’s glare on the sand is blinding. When the wind whips up, the sand stings.

You’re in the desert.

You weren’t always in the desert. And you want to find your way out. But for the moment, you’ve accepted that you’re in the desert.

You were thirsty earlier. You still are, but now, you’re also hungry.

Up ahead, you see a figure in the distance. You blink, wipe the sand from your eyes to make sure you are seeing something, and not experiencing a mirage.

It’s real.

You pick up the pace and head towards the figure.

Now, you see that it’s not one figure, but two.

You’re nearer now, clearly making out the two figures. Each is sitting at a table, with an assortment of items in front.

As you approach, each person smiles and rises, beckoning you closer.

You walk up, and with a parched voice, say the only two words you can manage to utter: “Water. Food.”

The person on the right nods, and offers you two items from his table: dry white toast, and a cup of water.

The person on the left offers you a rock.

You look back at the dry white toast and cup of water, then at the rock.

You make your decision, drinking half the cup of water immediately, then devouring the toast, washing it down with the rest of the water.

“I’ve got more of the same,” the person on the right says.

“I got rocks,” the person on the left says.

You continue your trek through the desert, accompanied now by the person on the right with more dry white toast and water, and the person on the left with rocks.

As your thirst and hunger return, you accept the dry white toast and drink the water, ignoring the rocks.

But you keep looking. Somewhere, you know you’ll find someone with better food … and a map out of the desert.

And that is why I will vote for a Republican that I really don’t want. That Republican is still a huckuva lot better than the Democrat, but not what I’m looking for. And, yes, I will keep looking.