North Koreas had upped their rhetoric, saying that sanctions against them would mean war. This immediately caused Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfled to inquire, “What kind of crack are they smoking.”
“I know their leader Kim Jong Il is some sort of nut, but even the insane show a pain avoidance response. Does he not understand the violence we will perpetrate against him and his people if they even look like they may attack us? We will kill them all in such a cruel and painful manner that even I will feel sorry for the dumb, Commie bastards. That doesn’t mean I won’t laugh as it happens, though.”
When asked to clarify if America had anything to fear from a war with North Korea, Rumsfeld said that “the only thing to fear from them is that their radioactive, ashen remains are somehow blown over to the American mainland.”
On whether there was a worry that a conflict with North Korea would be impossible while engaging Iraq, Rumsfeld stated, “We are capable of fighting two major regional conflicts. We’re capable of winning decisively in one and swiftly defeating in the case of the other, and let there be no doubt about it.”
Asked whether this belligerent attitude may turn off our European allies, Rumsfeld responded, “Let me restate that: we’re capable of winning decisively in one and swiftly defeating in the case of the other while still having enough manpower left over to slap around a bunch of whiny bitches.” He then added sarcastically, “But don’t take that as a suggestion of war. I’m just stating the facts.”
“All I’m saying,” he continued more seriously, “is that if you wake up one morning to find the Iraqi deserts stained red with blood while at the same time North Korea is nothing but a smoldering ruin and then you turn on the TV to find German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder dancing for our amusement at gunpoint, don’t act all surprised.”
When repeatedly questioned whether America really did have the military capabilities to engage Iraq and North Korea at the same time, Rumsfeld initially looked supremely angry at not being immediately believed, but then he seemed to calm down and said, “I assure you we can do two things at once. As demonstration of that, I will not rub my stomach and shoot reporters at the same time.”
By the time he had drawn his luger, the press had already cleared the room.
Long live Rummy!
Rummy still using that damn kraut peashooter? Get the man a 45!
I’m with Ken. I can see the SecDef with a big-ass, chrome-plated 1911. He can rub it with an oiled rag during press conferences. Maybe use it as a pointer when gesturing to concentric rings of atomic blast damamge ringing Baghdad.
A 1911 (packerized) is my favorite gun, but it’s just not my vision for Rumsfeld.
Why does everyone want to mess with my vision?
The image of Rummy pulling a runty little 9mm, Kraut-made Luger just ruins the image, is all. You’re picturing the scene in your head, riding it, and then the Luger appears and just yanks you out of it. It doesn’t fit the man.
If you don’t like the 1911 for him, how about twin holstered .45 revolvers with ivory handles, like Patton?
What makes you think reporters deserve to be killed by a 1911?
They have to EARN that honor in Rummy’s book.
A 1911 would kill them outright, and cut short their suffering. Why should THEIR suffering be short? Their readers’s suffering isn’t.
You kill dirty little Nazi wannabees with a dirty little Kraut gun, unless you are pressed for time.
My God! I should have realized it before. Ryan is right. To shoot them with a luger is a potent symbol of the contempt with which they are viewed. Especially if he just kneecaps them and lets them bleed. Like that line about Wyatt Earp in “Little Big Man”, he doesn’t respect reporters enough to kill them.
Frank, you’re way too subtle for us.
My genius will never be understood in my own time.
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