When I was a young boy fishing with my dad, I saw another fisherman catch a fish and then set it back in the water. I asked my father what was happening.
“It’s called ‘catch and release,’ son.”
“Why does he do that?” I inquired.
“Because he’s a homosexual, that’s why.” My dad then looked me in the eye and said with great serious, “When you defeat something, it must die. That is the way of the world.”
“But what if we catch a fish we don’t want?”
“Then we chuck in the woods and watch and laugh as it dies. That’s what a real man does.”
About that time, the park ranger came and said it looked like we caught our limit. My dad then replied that the only thing there was a limit to was “his patience.” After the fight, I got to see the inside of a police station, which was fun.
I learned a lot that day, but apparently my hippy brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, never learned the same lesson. When I last got a phone call from him telling me about his mission in Iraq, he described how, when he took out photos of his family, a large group of Iraqis formed around him to see.
“Interesting ploy,” I said, “Now that you had them in one place, did you kill them all at once.”
“Uh… no.”
“So what then? You rounded them all up to be slave labor in our new underground Iraqi oil mines?”
“No! The whole idea here is to help the Iraqis get themselves a good government and stop all the terrorist attacks on them. Then we can leave the country back to them.”
“I HAVE NO BROTHER!” I shouted before hanging up the phone. See, that’s the problem with our troops today: they give a human face to our country. With how they get along with the Iraqis and help school children goes against the very goal of our military – conquering all the world into one giant American Empire. Instead, we’re catching and releasing, just like the homosexual fisherman.
No one even seems to understand anymore that conquest is the ultimate goal of any nation. Sure, we can have Allies now and then, but their foreignness will be trouble down the line. To have true peace, all must be defeated and subjugated, and I just don’t see today’s military doing that. They have to be brutal and merciless, and that just ain’t happening.
So, the solution is, as always, giant deadly robots – robots that never had Isaac Asimov’s three laws of robotics anywhere near them. They will take the place of troops in conquered countries, watching the citizens with their uncaring eyes. They will be unmoving sentinels… unmoving, that is, until one of those we subjugated stops slaving away to the benefit of America.
This is our utopian future, and it’s time to make real steps towards it. To make these robots, we need someone who knows things about circuits and electricity and stuff… someone like me! Also, I would prefer the robots to be black with red eyes, but I’d settle for them being metallic gray with any sort of glowing eyes.
The American Empire won’t make itself; it’s time for deadly robots. When we have them, then we can sit back and watch and laugh as foreigners flop around like fish in the woods.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as “Robots Are Our Future; Children Are Our Past” and “Taxes Are for Foreigners”.
Brilliant! oh…yeah…first?
Frank, you need to start reading the Bible again. On the blog, i mean.
I agree w/ sunbuzz. When you read the Bible, I had to read it just to make sure that you weren’t making stuff up.
Catch and release ? Is that as homo as paintball wars ?
Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll be gone every weekend.
I have to raise a point, Frank – we also need giant battlemechs, for when we conquer the feeble third-world (and second-world, and first-world) countries. THEN we can put our army of giant killer robots in charge of keeping the slaves in line.
are you joking ? if not , what if these so called robots went beserk and killed us all … then what …
Hondo: Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day; teach a man to fish, he’ll steal your spot.
I though the phrase “Catch and Release” came from our wonderful leagal and correctional systems in the U.S.! Not fishing…
How else do all of those pedifiles get out after a year or two to get jobs as school bus drivers?
Why can’t the robots be shaped like Chomps?????
TEEEEEJ
void Person::keepWatch()
{
makeSuffer(this);
if(! this->lovesamerica)
kill(this);
}
I don’t know if you thought that out enough. I think we need robots with the three laws, but with a definition of human like the Solarian’s robots had.
Humans need to speak with an American accent to be ‘human’ and thus, fall under the first law.
All others will be crushed.
Your robot specifications look pretty firm (black or gray) but I recommend you change it to: “black or gray with an FPGA somewhere inside”. That way I can have a job in the future.
The robots really do have to be gray. Gray is the new black.
I knew there was something VERY WRONG with those HOMOS on those TV Fishing shows that all practice “catch and release”! Thanks for clearing it up for me, Frank! Unleash the robots on them, first!!!
“No one even seems to understand anymore that conquest is the ultimate goal of any nation. Sure, we can have Allies now and then, but their foreignness will be trouble down the line. To have true peace, all must be defeated and subjugated, and I just don’t see today’s military doing that. They have to be brutal and merciless, and that just ain’t happening.”
Im British, and i approved this message.
hey, I’m a robotics engineer. Let me know how I can help. And from where the funding is coming.
slowking Man, your keepWatch() method is perfect! Screw validation. No return value, no quarter! hook up with og and get to work.
og, just apply for an “embrionic stem cell” research grant from the feds.
OG: just make sure the in the design of the robots, you make their visage look like an angry rottweiler, with nasty, pointy teeth.
TEEEEEEJ
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day. But teach a man how to fish, and he’ll be dead of mercury poisoning inside of three years.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish; and you can sell him fishing equipment.
Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime. Unless he doesn’t like sushi–then you also have to teach him to cook.