Illegal immigrants are everywhere and completely illegal! Something must be done, but even President Bush doesn’t seem to be handling this issue. Thus, I had my crack research staff find out all they can on these immigrants who are illegal.
FUN FACTS ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
* The first illegal immigrants to America were the Indians who came and claimed they had been here all along and that we were stealing the land from them. What a bunch of hooey. Still, we were nice and gave them blankets.
* Most illegal immigrants are Mexicans. There are other illegal immigrants, but, for all intents and purposes, we don’t care.
* Well, we care about the terrorists sneaking in. In some ways, they’re even worse than Mexicans trying to take our bean-picking jobs.
* Illegal immigrants do the jobs Americans don’t want to do like clean toilets, pick vegetables, and run Mexican restaurants.
* One of the problems with illegal immigration is that Mexico is right next to us making it so easy. There have been some suggestions to move Mexico farther away like to Europe or something.
* We also have a large open border with Canada, but there isn’t as big an illegal immigration problem since Canadians are too cold and too dumb to sneak over here.
* Illegal immigrants want to steal your job. If you see an immigrant trying to take your job, check his papers. If everything is in order, well, I guess you just should have worked harder.
* One of the reasons America gets so many illegal immigrants is that America just kicks so much ass. Only Democrats have offered any plans on tackling that issue.
* President Bush has a plan to help illegal immigrants that, despite how it looks, he says is not amnesty. Instead, he assures us that it is just “a general pardon granted by a government.”
* A group of citizens called the Minutemen are fighting illegal immigration but have been condemned as vigilantes for “taking the law into their own hands.” When ICE was asked why they don’t just do the job the Minutemen are doing, they said they don’t want to be vigilantes either.
* There would be less illegal immigration if the Mexican government did more to prevent it such as making sure their country doesn’t suck so much. We should totally bomb Mexico’s entire infrastructure to teach the Mexicans to stay in their country and enjoy it.
* If you suspect someone to be a Mexican, immediately throw a bag over his head and deport him.
* A Mexican may claim he is here legally. That just the sort of lies illegal immigrants would use. Throw a bag over his head and deport him.
* Some may say that throwing bags over Mexicans’ heads is xenophobic. That’s a weird crazy word. Throw a bag over the head and deport anyone who says it.
* If a properly documented immigrant comes into a restaurant and starts shooting up the place, that not an illegal immigrant; that’s an immigrant doing something illegal which is completely different. He is also probably Italian.
* Some theories on why there are so many illegal immigrants from Mexico is, since Americans love Mexican food so much, Mexicans interpreted that as we really liking Mexicans as well. No, we only like your food.
* Some say we should crack down on businesses that employ illegal immigrants, but businesses are already too noisy about employees. Do you know that the last place that hired me actually asked for my social security number? The nerve!
* It may be hard to spot illegal immigrants, but sometimes they assemble in large groups waving Mexican flags to make it easy. Get those bags to throw over their heads ready!
* It’s merely an urban legend that, if an illegal immigrant bites you, you become one.
* In a fight between illegal immigrants and Aquaman, illegal immigrants would protect the seas for only $1.75 an hour leaving Aquaman to get a job selling bananas on the beach.
* Illegal immigrants may try to vote! Don’t let them! If they do, they’ll probably vote that there shouldn’t be a crackdown on illegal immigrants. That’s so self-serving they could be Democrats.
* Many people refer to illegal immigrants as “undocumented workers.” Why are they undocumented, though? Because they’re super illegal, that’s why!
* Warning: The nanny you hired who works for cheap could be an illegal immigrant. She could also be your ex-husband dressed as a woman.
* Democrats have always pandered to illegal immigrants, but even many Republicans don’t want to crack down on illegal immigration for fear of losing the Latino vote. As we all know, every Latino is for criminal activity in all its forms.
* Some people say they came here illegally because it’s too hard to get into America legally. But I’m here legally, and I don’t remember having any trouble. It was very painful for my mom, though.
UPDATE: Some people have said it would be too expensive to move Mexico, but I think it’s manageable if we hire cheap, Mexican labor to do it.
“but, for all intensive purposes”
i think it’s intents and purposes
and FIRST
No… with a serious situation like illegals you’ve got to have some “intensive purposes.”
I have to disagree with number four. I don’t know about the rest of the country, but around here, the Mexican restaurants are run by arab immigrants that are here legally…Of course I’m no ICE agent, they may be illegal too.
In the words of Joe Bob Briggs: “I love Meskin–especially when they do the hat dance.”
“for all intensive purposes”, King of Queens, one of the phrases Carrie kept correcting Kevin on. he can say it if he likes.
so can frank, even if it WAS intentional to sound funny. u don’t need to ramp and rage about it.
As long as it’s not “for all intensive porpoises” because that would be silly and Democrats would pull the plug on them and call it a mercy killing.
Good job with the Mrs. Doubtfire reference, Frank. Oh and the rest of it was good, too.
To move Mexico, all we need to do is:
1) Get some jackhammers and separate Mexico from the North American plate.
2) Get some tubes of super glue and glue Mexico to the Pacific plate.
3) Wait a few hundred million years.
Sure, they’ll still be close to California for a while, but it’ll be worth it to see the look on their faces when Mexico is an island!
Master Shake, we could do all that but in the interests of saving money, we’ll need to hire undocumented workers to cut Mexico away. Then we can speed up the move a little bit by putting a couple trolling motors on one side of the country.
I appreciate all of this enlightening information about illegals. We’ve got a barking mad Pakistani on our condo board who is trying to get us to hire a bunch of Mexicans to build us a wire fence around the property to protect us from Latino theives who have been stealing car radios and busting windows. Well, sorry Amar, but it’s ILLEGAL to hire illegals to prevent illegal activity by illegals. I am all for dividing the USA from our southern neighbors — maybe we could just put alligators in the rivers.
I like the idea of stocking the rivers with predators, but I was thinking pirhana might be better than alligators. They’d just shoot alligators and make boots from them.
Like I said before, just fly all the illegals over to France. Within 10 hours (probably less), the French will surrender, and the hard working “undocumented workers” (not undoucumented for long, since the French have surrendered) will do all the jobs that the French seem too lazy to do. France will dissapear and be called 2nd Spain. The other plus is that now that the poor ex-mexicans that suddenly have money can call themselves Spanyerds and not be lying. Since Mexico is then cleared out, we can move in and make use of all the oil.
we have plenty of alligators and water moccasins over in in La. we could send to put in the river.
Redneck: “we could do all that but in the interests of saving money, we’ll need to hire undocumented workers to cut Mexico away.”
Well, that goes without saying. I mean, I’m an American, and that’s certainly a job that I wouldn’t do.
Perhaps we could taunt them at the border. A good nasty taunting just might do the trick…err, maybe we build a large, wooden badger. Hmmm…
Now Go away! Or I shall taunt you a second time!
Anytime you can reference The Holy Grail, it’s a good post.
Don’t forget there are over 4 million a year from other countries who fly here and never report back. Was just on fox. They have expired visa’s.
Just remember, sweatshop workers do all the jobs that illegal immigrants won’t do.
My only question is whether they’re assulting our boarders with…A RASPBERRY OR A BANNANA!??!
Perhaps a 15 Ton Weight is in order…or a tiger.
And now, I will appoligize for that:
SORRY!
I think that we should invade…just a little…like ten miles…and then build a big honkin fence….and then bury a boat load of land mines on our side of the fence and then build machine gun pits to mow down any that might make it through the minefields. Problem solved.
How about Israel and Mexico trade countries. That would rule to have Israel on our southern border. And, let’s see how crazy Mexicans can make the Palestinians by crossing their borders, cranking up their polka, and throwing empty bud light cans over their fences. Not to mention the crazy low riding cars with goofy-small wheels, Mexican flag stickers and CDs hanging from the rear view mirrors.
That Italian comment was completely stereotypical! I’m taking my organ grinder & monkey & going home…
Here in Denver, it’s just as likely to be an illegal Mexican immigrant shooting up your restaurant.
The funny thing is, the illegal immigrant was working at a restaurant owned by the mayor of Denver.
The really funny thing is, the illegal immigrant had been stopped on multiple traffic violations previously, hadn’t been able to produce a driver’s license or insurance, and was still let go, without an inquiry into his immigration status.
And even funnier, the guy fled back to Mexico, who refused to send him back for trial until we agreed to not sentence him to death or life without parole. Hilarious, eh?
We could always build a fence with some nice SHRUBBERY,
Or lob a few of the HOLY HAND GRENADES OF ANTIOC,
Or send some of the lonely ladies from CASTLE ANTHRAX to patrol the border,
Or disguise all of our border agents as middle aged British housewives or gangs of violent grannies,
Or better yet, bring out the fierce beast….THE CUTE LITTLE BUNNY. That’ll show those illegals who’s boss.
A day without Python is like a day without sunshine.