Instapundit’s Exciting Weekend

(A Filthy Lie)
Saw this at Reynolds’ site:

my younger brother worked as an assistant there, boiling down corpses in turpentine with his grad-student girlfriend. Now that’s an exciting weekend…

Giving his hobo-murdering habits, this one isn’t TOO surprising, but it does make me wonder what ELSE this guy does for fun.
Unfortunately I found out. Turn’s out he’s going to be spending THIS weekend at a ski resort in Vail, Colorado, indulging in one of his favorite recreational sports:
EXTREME PUPPY BLENDING!

Now that’s an exciting weekend…

A realistic plan for complete border security . . .

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via shimauma

Google Talking ’bout Cheese

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Stuff, Yo

  • The IMAO Newsletter is out, so you should have received it by now. Being this is a day off for me, that’s probably all you’re getting from me (thank you co-bloggers). If you haven’t gotten the newsletter, check your spam filter. If it’s not there, maybe the FBI is intercepting your e-mails and reading them first. Or, maybe you’re dead and don’t know it, and that’s why you never receive any e-mails. Or, you didn’t sign up.
    This was a test newsletter so I didn’t bother proofreading. I may do so in the future.
  • Today is International Kick a Cat Day. So, kick a cat to support internationalism. Also, remember that Monday is Bring Your Gun to Work Day.
  • Buy IMAO merchandise!
  • I have two articles at Gather.com to try and get a more diverse discussion. I also started a political humor group which everyone can join. I’ll cross post articles there to see if that can help diversify the audience.
  • Immigration seems to be a big issue, and, while we’ve handled that issue here (especially Ducky), here’s a great illegal immigration FAQ from John Hawkins. Also, here’s an alarming article: “Illegal Mexican Wrestlers Taking Smackdowns American Wrestlers Don’t Want”.
  • Glenn Reynolds is obsessed with me. I may need a restraing order, or I’ll just whap him with my copy of his book.
  • I got the dog a stuffed monkey with a sound chip in it that makes it screech like a real monkey. I think I’m realizing what a bad idea that is.
    Oh, she just ripped the sound box out. Problem solved.
  • Be honorable, ronin.

McKinney meets Dylan

After being told about Cynthia McKinney’s demonstration of her support for the Capitol Hill Police, House Speaker Dennis Hastert asks:

“How many officers would have to be punched before it becomes a big deal?”

Um… er…
Wait a second.
How many officers would have to be punched
Before it becomes a big deal?
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.
The answer is blowing in the wind.

Holy crap. It works.

Continue reading ‘McKinney meets Dylan’ »

The Power Of Frank

What does infamous puppy-blender Glenn Reynolds first tthink of when he thinks of the Blogopshere?
You’ll have to listen to the latest Israellycool podcast to find out, but here’s a hint: it’s starts with the letter F.

Ask Dr. Duck: The Answers

Hello, this is Dr. Duck.
I am so glad I have this segment to help you, our dear readers, come through the tough times and confusion you are facing. Here are the answers to the questions that haunted your ever so crazy minds,
Dear Dr. R.W. Duck,
I just recently moved from Niagara Falls, NY to Melbourne, Fl. Why? I also wanted to know if you are related to Turban Duck, and if so, why does he keep getting sucked into turbines? Will he never learn?
On a more personal note, if a girl is dating you, doesnt break up with you, moves in with a guy who she claimed was “just a friend”, was dating him while with you, never told you she moved in with him, continues lying, and dating him, but still never breaks up with you. Is that considered cheating even if she didnt “sleep with him”? Doesnt the act of dating him will still being with someone else pretty much make that a moot point? I mean comeone, really?
Posted by Mike

Moving from Niagra Falls to Melbourne FL is a good move. It means you spend fewer days inside the barrell. As far as Turban Duck, I’ve never met the guy. I can understand the confusion, Mexican and Middle Eastern Ducks can look alike.
So your girlfriend might be dating someone else? Or not dating you Or both. That’s okay, I had the same thing happen to me. When I was younger,there was this girl I was crazy about. She’d never talk to me. She’d never look at me. Eventually, she met someone, married and they had three kids.
I think she’s playing hard to get.
Hang in there, you just never know what’s going to happen.
**
Why do I have to drink responsibly? I mean, isn’t it alcohol’s main purpose to make me behave irresponsibly?
Posted by Veeshir at March 29, 2006 11:20 AM

I said DRINK responsibly — not ACT responsibly.
Drinking responsibly means not spilling, not letting the foam get out of control. And if you’re married it means using a coaster.

Continue reading ‘Ask Dr. Duck: The Answers’ »

Friday Catblogging

Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka “I-MEOW”).
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I’m the only one of them powerful enough to Friday Catblog. Because it takes a lot of power to catblog.
Anyway, it’s time for Nardo:


If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is… um…
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

i can’t believe it’s not crap

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i got my “it’s a neocon thing” mug today, and was pleasantly surprised by the quality — i’ve never ordered anything from cafepress, and was a little nervous about it since the way they display products on the website leaves something to be desired — it’s a first class product, go buy something — anyone gotten a t-shirt or bumper sticker yet?
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The Daily Daily Kos Report

At the Daily Kos, everyone is still really angry about a lot of the same things. Some seem close to crying.
UPDATE: Kos come up with some commentary on Iraq using the same tropes he’s been repeating for years.
Everyone is still angry. Some are now crying.

Fun Trivia

If an asteroid didn’t kill off all the dinosaurs, what did?

Continue reading ‘Fun Trivia’ »

How long before this becomes the next reality series to stink up the airwaves?

Oh, lighten up, kid.
At least you don’t have to be one every day.

Continue reading ‘How long before this becomes the next reality series to stink up the airwaves?’ »

Need For Speed IV

The French National Police are switching from Pugeots to Subarus so they can pursue fleeing criminals in high-speed chases.
(I hear they burn quicker, too.)

Bite-Sized Wisdom: The Return!

  • I used to do this feature Bite-Sized Wisdom because then I could just do a bunch of little jokes with a bullet points instead of putting them together in some semi-coherent form like my editorials and In My Worlds™. It seemed like that would work really well with my short attention span, but then I forgot all about it because… you know… my short attention span.
  • I feel like I should say more about illegal immigrants, but it’s just one of those issues that doesn’t move me. From my point of view, any sane person should want to be in America and do anything he or she can to get here. Still, the illegals really lose my sympathy when they prance around with Mexican flags. Hey, the whole reason you guys are here is because your country sucks. Sure, it may have culture you’re proud of, but obviously economy trumps all. What is culture worth in the end? A few tourist dollars for clay pots? Tell me, what would you rather have? The Day of the Dead, or a job? Soccer or a salary? There are correct answers to those.
  • So, can you camp near the border to Mexico, or is that just impossible because there is always these Mexicans running by and knocking over your stuff? I never camp anyway because of one bad experience. I had accidentally left a campfire unattended, and then Smokey the Bear tried to maul me. It took three shotgun blasts to bring him down.
  • If you want to see him, his head is mounted above the T.V. in the living room. I usually leave the hat on it, but sometimes I wear it for fun even though it’s a bit big for me.
  • Speaking of Mexican immigrants and wild animals, SarahK and I are really into that Dog Whisperer show. Cesar Millan is great, but who we really love is the giant pit pull he has named Daddy. When he’s helping little yapping dogs learn not to attack other dogs, he’ll always bring Daddy along. That dog could eat those yappers in one bite, but he just ignores them. Actually, he’s so obedient, a nuclear bomb could go off and he wouldn’t flinch. I want to start the Daddy fan club and make sure my Shepherd/Pit Rowdi joins. “I want you to be like that dog, and, when you are, I’ll stop beating you.”
  • So, they released that journalist in Iraq. Whoever took her didn’t seem like they had a plan at all. If you’re going to go through the trouble of kidnapping someone, at least have a backup plan for when your demands aren’t met. Still, they weren’t like my first political kidnapping. After a while, I got bored of thing and totally forgot about the guy tied up in the basement.
  • How many times can your house “mysteriously” burn down before insurers just won’t take you anymore?
  • I really want to be a professional writer (I could blog all day!), but the problem is that I’m not a starving artist. If you are starving, you’ll try anything to succeed. I’ve had this nice cushy job I like, though, and you just don’t write as well between bites of prime rib. Luckily, I got married so now it seem like I have no money. Expect much more writing from me in the future.
  • You may have noticed how the top of the IMAO main page now has ads for our CafePress store. You may ask, “What happened to the podcast?” Well, we’re still figuring out how to use that to trick people into giving us money. See, we have all this traffic to this site, and the obvious thought is “How can we turn that into money?” So, now, I’m trying merchandise from CafePress. It’s working so far, as we’ve made in the tens of dollars in profit. Even though it’s split among all the IMAO bloggers, I get to keep most of it since SarahK is good at cooking the books (she just a good cook in general).
  • Yeah, as Christians, we really shouldn’t do faulty accounting, but I did some research into the Bible, including doing some of my own translations from the original Hebrew, and I now have an argument that it’s okay to lie when money is involved.
  • I once lived in Alaska; isn’t that weird?
  • I was asked to join this Gather.com since they want more political writers. I thought it might be neat because then I might be more likely to get some liberals to read my stuff. You guys are great and all, but I can only take so much, “Frank, you’re a genius!”, “It’s like you have magical humor powers!”, and “Please be our god!” So, I’ve started out by crossing posting my editorial from Monday, and, already, three people have said bad things about it. Maybe we can get discussions going over there, but, if not, at least a shouting match. I started a political humor group if people want to join in.
  • Anyway, the Gather.com “About Me” page you set for yourself is pretty cool. It has all these different fields to fill in about what music you like and what not (guess who I put under my “Heroes”) and even has five different choices for your sexual preference. Who can choose?
  • If I get more attention at Gather.com, you know as soon as I start debating liberals, they’ll be like, “How can you have an opinion on fiscal responsibility? You’re just a chicken hawk!” I did think of joining the military once, though. Then, I found out they like shout at you and stuff. I just assumed the military got reformed the same as public school and they’d just give me a rifle and say, “Go ahead and shoot for’ners at your own pace. You’ll get a medal just for trying!”
  • Speaking of war, I just realized I don’t know how to make like any explosives. Is that weird? I know you’re supposed to be able to make all sorts of explosives out of household objects, but I don’t know one formula. If I needed to make a bomb (it happens) I’d be reduced to taking apart my bullets for the gunpowder. It says right there on the box you shouldn’t do that, though, and if I ignored that warning, it would be like I’m saying, “I’m smarter than Winchester.” And I’m totally not.
  • Off-topic (even for a post with no topic), but do they Braille ballots? It seems wrong to let the blind vote, because how are they supposed to pick a politician to elect when they can’t even see them? I know Senator John Edwards has to be against the blind voting; he works too hard on his hair for it to not even be the factor in some people’s votes.
  • Is IMAO available in Braille somewhere? If so, I’m sorry for that previous comment. If not, screw you, blind people!
  • Next podcast, I should make fun of the deaf.
  • I remember meeting a deaf kid when I was younger and trying to communicate with him. I shouted at the boy until I was hoarse, and then I couldn’t talk to people. That stuff spreads if you’re not careful.
  • I’ve thought about doing stand up comedy, but, as you may have heard from the podcasts, I have no skills at delivery. Most of my stuff is made less funny if I say it out loud. Well, there goes that dream, but, if you have to stand during a job, I consider that blue-collar work anyway.
  • I think I had some more thoughts, but I can’t remember them now. I really should write them down.
    Then again, I guess I’m doing that now. Anyhoo, if someone has seen my car keys, e-mail me with the subject “Frank’s Car Keys.” And, make sure to buy stuff and tell everyone else about IMAO. If we don’t make more money, then either the cats or the dog is going to have to stop eating, and you know SarahK and I aren’t going to agree on which it is.

The Carnival of Comedy Has Snuck Over The Border To Dr. Phat Tony’s!!

Dr Phat Tony has gone and done the job American’s wouldn’t do.
He has volunteered to patrol the border of humor and host Carnival of Comedy #48 for less than legal wages.
Muchas gracias, Doctor Antonio Gordo.