Kenny Rogers! Yay! Wow, he looks fantastic. Actually, not so much like Kenny, but I know that’s Kenny, because it’s his voice. Lots of plastic surgery? Anyway, who cares, it’s Kenny, and I don’t care if he gets Dolly’s boobs put on his body, as long as he can still sing.
Archive of entries posted on 4th April 2006
Questions For McKinney
This was written by an IMAO regular and my friend Shane.
After about three semesters of college, I became convinced Computer Engineering was the wrong field for me, mainly because I was failing my basic engineering courses and getting high marks in 400 level English Literature classes as a Freshman and Sophomore. For a brief time (read “about 2 days”) I wondered if I shouldn’t change my degree to Journalism and become a reporter. Thankfully, that fever brokefeeling subsided and I came to my better senses. I earned a major in Religion with a minor in English.
Still, I have these moments, especially while watching (or more likely reading about) any press conference involving a politician, where I wish for one brief moment that I had scratched the journalism itch. I can’t help but think I could come up with much better questions to ask. Much more pertinent questions, grounded in the generally shared reality, rather than the substitutional reality shared by most major media reporter types.
Such a case came up this morning, while reading about Georgia IdiotRepresentative Cynthia McKinney. Given her history, and the apparent facts in the case, I’ve compiled a short list of questions that Journalist Me would have asked, given the chance.
A Brief History of Iran
Since Iran is in the news so much, I thought I’d educate with a brief history of the country.
A BRIEF HISTORY OF IRAN
Long, long ago, an explorer headed out east. He didn’t make it to the far east, but he did make it to the middle of the east. He decided to settle the land since that was easier than heading back. His name was Josh Iran, and he named the area after himself. It was a great land, and the people grew many trees, flowers, and caterpillars and spent their free time driving though the desert in dune buggies. Then came the radical Islamists who said, “Mohammed told us to kill whoever doesn’t believe what Mohammed says!” Many were opposed to these people, though. And there was much kung fu fighting. Neither side had an advantage, but then Jimmy Carter was elected President of the United States and instantly everything in the world was screwed up. Thus, the radical Islamist took over, and the Ayatollahs, who fashioned themselves after ZZ Top, the most feared band ever, ruled with an iron fist. When not kicking kittens, they help fund terrorist and seek nuclear weapons – like all evil people. This continues to this day and won’t stop until we smack them around a bit.
The Royal Shaft
Cynthia McKinney has now admitted that she gave the taxpayers the royal shaft by spending $1,000 of their money to fly Isaac Hayes down to Atlanta to dedicate a new office building.
Or did she?
Using the money to pay for Hayes’ airline ticket and hotel expenses is a violation of strict congressional rules. Those rules state that taxpayer money can only be used for “travel by Members, Members’ employees and vendors. A vendor is an employee of a private company that provides maintenance and support for equipment and software…”
Watchdog groups call taxpayer-funded celebrity travel a blatant waste of taxpayer money.
McKinney staffers say they will reimburse the congressional fund for the cost of Hayes’ flight and hotel room.
Now according to Dictionary.com, vendor means:
n : someone who promotes or exchanges goods or services for money [syn: seller, marketer, vender, trafficker]
Hrm… let’s take a look at Hayes’ official biography:
Instead of a palace, he built an 8,000 square foot educational facility through his Isaac Hayes Foundation (IHF). He is most certainly the only King on earth with an Oscar, Grammy awards, #1 gold records, his voice on an animated tv series, a radio show, two restaurants, a best-selling cookbook, and top secret barbecue sauces.
Aha. This was a trade mission for top secret barbecue sauces. Might even involve the CIA there, or at least Homeland Security to protect that recipe. Tasty enough to slap your momma, or at least a Captiol Police cop.
But wait, it gets better. Scroll up a paragraph to find:
In the spring 2003, one year after his induction into the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame and a celebrated move back home to Memphis, the public persona of Isaac Hayes is surging forward with a momentum usually associated with teen popstars and visiting royalty. In fact, Hayes is resident royalty for more than a decade, a coronated King of the Ada coastal district of Ghana in western Africa where he is a member of the Royal Family.
That’s right. It’s not just a trade mission to protect our country’s valuable barbecue sauce assets, but it’s a diplomatic mission shuttling this Ghanian royalty around.
Thank goodness Cynthia McKinney was there to provide transportation to Isaac Hayes, since apparently Kofi and Kojo Annan were too busy shredding documents to escort his king around.
On behalf of all white people, I apologize to Cynthia McKinney… but damn, girl. Do something about that hair!
Who Will Pick the Beans?
An Editorial by Frank J.
Many people are for deporting all the illegal immigrants, but none of those people seem prepared to answer the fundamental question: Who will pick the beans?
We are a country, a country of many beans in need of picking. But I am not going to pick those beans. You are not going to pick those beans. That leaves only the illegal immigrants left to pick our beans. Those beans will not pick themselves – that is a scientifically established fact. While self-picking beans are being genetically engineered, they have so far killed many goats in tests – not because the beans are poison, but because the bean plants killed and ate the goats. So, while we may strive towards a utopia of self-picking beans, it will turn into a dystopia if we live in constant fear of being killed and eaten by bean plants.
“Those beans will not pick themselves – that is a scientifically established fact.”
So, since the beans will not pick themselves without great danger to humanity, who will pick them when the illegal immigrants are gone? Some say prisoners should pick those beans; if you commit a crime, then you are sentenced to a life of bean picking. But do we really want prisoner beans? Prisoners are by their nature thieves and thus will steal our beans (or assault them). This is not a solution at all.
Can monkeys be trained to pick the beans? I don’t care if they can, because I will not eat beans picked by filthy monkeys. Monkeys should be locked in cages and kept away from our precious beans.
Other suggest robots be made to pick the beans, but it would take quite advanced robots to be know the intricacies of bean picking. Such robots will inevitably turn on us, and we will not be able to stop them. Robots are made of metal, and shooting them will do no good. Soon, we will be their slaves, and then we will all have to pick the beans for the robots’ evil purposes.
So, while some may say we should just deport all the illegal immigrants, they are only giving half the solution to the problem unless those people also have an answer for who will pick the beans. Actually, it’s less than half the solution because, as a wise man once said, 90% of life is picking beans, and only 10% is getting into America illegally.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Who Will Feed the Dog?” and “Beans: The Vanguard of Civilization”.