Brought to you by Dick Morris
Dick Morris: President Bush is a Republican Jimmy Carter!
Welcome Back Carter
(Cue Theme Song)
Welcome back,
Your dreams were your ticket out.
Welcome back,
To that same old place that you laughed about.
Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
But those dreams have remained and they’re turned around.
Who’d have thought they’d lead ya (Who’d have thought they’d lead ya)
Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)
Yeah we tease him a lot cause we’ve hot him on the spot, welcome back,
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.
(Jimmy Carter walks into the studio. Audience applauds.)
Mr. Carter: I’m so glad they brought me back to Washington. I feel like now people appreciate all of my accomplishments. Like being a former president. Where are those silly kids? Always late, I tell you.
Enter The Sweatporks — A small tight knit group of Dems.
(audience applause)
Latinostein: Yo man. I hadn’t seen the press rough anybody up that bad in a long time.
Horseface: Yaw. They got him good, yes they did. I do solemnly swear that those press reporters nailed that blogger something fierce. That memory will be forever seared, seared into my brain.
Latinostein: That was ugly. Who did that blogger insult? The Democrats?
Horseface: Worse, he insulted Islam! Hilly, where are you my good lady?
(Enter Hill Clintarino, a politically tough street thug.)
Hilly: I’m coming, I’m coming. Don’t fall over yourself — you’ll have to award yourself another purple heart.
Horseface: (noticing Jimmy Carter for the first time) Mr. Cartah, Mr. Cartah, Mr. Cartah!
Mr. Carter: Hey, guys. Nice to be back. I’ve read that President Bush is the Republican me! That’s crazy! I was much better at running the country than he is.
Sweatporks — together — YEAH!
Mr. Carter: For starters, I had a brother who drank beer all day. But it was his own line of beer! What about this President? What’s his brother do? Governor of Florida?
Latinostein: PShhht. Right. That’s not even a real state. It got blown in by a hurricane! I think it’s a piece of Italy or something!
(Sweatporks high five each other and laugh)
Horseface: By the way, didn’t we have an African American character in this sketch?
Latinostein: Nope, boss. She was delayed by the racist Capitol Police department who insisted that she carry ID and not slap them around!
Hilly: I blame the fact that she’s a woman.
Mr. Carter: I’ll refer this one to the United Nations.

Horseface: When you were president Jimmy, the economy was booming. There were so many people racing to work, that the gas stations had lines around the block.
Latinostein: Now the economy sucks. There isn’t a job to be found anywhere! And they’re trying to send back illegal immigrants. Those of people just come here to get millions of jobs and work.
Jimmy Carter: Have you seen the price of gasoline?
Latinostein: Yeah, it’s so bad, my cousins asked me if I would drive the getaway bicycle!
(Sweatporks laugh and high five each other.)
Hilly: Sure there’s gas to be found everywhere, but look at the prices!! Free Market? What a stupid idea. We should mandate lower gas prices. Price controls cause shortages, or so the “economists” say, but that couldn’t happen to us. We care more then anyone else does!
Horseface: And I served in Vietnam!
Hilly: Can it with the Vietnam stuff, Horseface. You’re not running for reelection.
Latinostein: Horseface, I have to tell you, I used your lucky hat to wax my car. Sorry.
Horseface: That’s okay. I’ve been meaning to buy a new lucky hat. Maybe something with the name of a popular sports franchise. Like the Green Bay Brewers, or something.
Mr. Carter: We must remind people that President Bush is much worse a president than I ever was. He thinks the war was worth it!
Horseface: Don’t these people understand war? Just because your army marches in and defeats the enemy’s army doesn’t mean you can declare victory! There are many nuances involved.
Mr. Carter: I had my share of military victories. Good people, too. What was the name of that group I had go deep into Iran?
Hilly: Hostages?
Mr. Carter: That’s right. I know the current President of Iran because he’s one of the guys who took care of the American hostages. By “take care of” of course I mean that the future Iranian president held a shotgun to their faces! That’s the way they work in their country.
Latinstein: Yah, boss. In this country, when somebody puts a shotgun to your face, normally, it’s the VICE president.
Mr. Carter: Bushie thinks he’s great because he sent troops to Afghanistan!
Horseface. Pshaw. BTW, did I serve in Afghanistan?
Hilly: Shut up, Horseface.
Latinostein: Why can’t they leave Iran alone? Building nuclear weapons and threatening to destroy Israel is protected free speech.
Mr. Carter: Right now, President Bush’s popularity is at an all time low: Mostly because he’s reviled by those weird crazy people.
Hilly: Anti-War protesters?
Mr. Carter: No, Republicans.
Latinostein: Yeah, Bushie really sold those conservatives right down El Rio Grande. They can run right back, it’s not like the border is protected or anything.
Mr. Carter: We can capitalize on this by emphasizing how out of touch and hated he really is.
Hilly: You know, when I ran the country… I mean. When Bill was President, he was never out of touch. He was loved and adored: From the highest king, to the lowest intern.
(Awkward silence)
Mr. Carter: So let’s go out there and win one for me!
Hilly: I can do it, Mr. Carter. I’m the perfectly balanced candidate. I’m conservative yet liberal. Hard but soft. Heterosexual but willing to expl–.
Horseface: HEY!! You’re taking two positions on every issue! That’s MY strategy! Mr. Carter! Make her stop!
Mr. Carter: I would, but she scares me.
Hilly: I’m scary but comforting. Thanks for holding this class Mr. Carter.
Mr. Carter: Sometimes, I just feel like giving something back. Hilly, don’t you ever feel like giving something back?
Hilly: Are talking about that missing White House furniture? I swear, it was there when we moved out!!
(Cue Theme music)
Welcome back,
Your dreams were your ticket out.
Welcome back,
To that same old place that you laughed about.
Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
But those dreams have remained and they’re turned around.
Who’d have thought they’d lead ya (Who’d have thought they’d lead ya)
Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)
Yeah we tease him a lot cause we’ve hot him on the spot, welcome back,
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.