Maybe with all that’s going on, it’s time to become isolationists. Instead of engaging with the crazy world, we just bunker down in America and launch missiles at everything we think we see moving. Then people will leave us alone and stop moving, and we’ll be safe.
It’s the Ron Paul plan and it’s worth considering.
I know a lot of you are like, “Obama is awesome. He brings hope and change,” but I haven’t been so thrilled because I wanted change to, but the change I want is in military technology. I’ve long argued that what our military needs is to be feared like an angry god, and for that we need space lasers and dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them. And we need to nuke the moon. And while it was plausible to convince Bush of this, I just don’t see Obama going along with it.
I’ll be like, “We really need to resurrect dinosaurs and put rocket launchers on them to keep our military as a modern fighting force.”
And Obama will be like, “But don’t dinosaurs have big teeth. That’s scary. I don’t like scary things.”
And I’ll grab him and shake him and be like, “THAT’S THE POINT! OUR MILITARY NEEDS TO SCARE AND KILL OUR ENEMY, YOU MINCING SISSY!”
And Obama will start crying and be like, “You’re as mean as a dinosaur!”
And I’ll be like, “Obama, baby, why do you make me hurt you?”
So it’s just not going to work with this administration. I don’t know what to do. I guess I could try remarketing those ideas into something Obama might like. I could say things like:
“If we want to convince people that America isn’t imperialist, we need to put rocket launchers on dinosaurs.”
“If we want universal healthcare, first we need a laser that can shoot people from space… for surgical purposes.”
“Nuking the moon will help us peacefully… JUST DO WHAT I TELL YOU, YOU FREAKISHLY-EARED NINNY!”
I can’t do it. These are cool awesome things and I can’t make them sucky to appeal to Obama. I don’t want to sound like some uber-partisan, but I don’t like having a Democrat as president.
It would be great to see Palin elected president just to watch liberals squeal… especially after she starts rounding them up into death camps.
Political debates would be a lot more interesting if they allowed checking.
I’d hope my wife would murder me before letting me go on and on and embarrass myself like Sanford.
I thought I’d try listening to a new group for change. Is Kings of Leon some joke I’m not getting?
I hope congressman Sestak successfully challenges Specter because his name makes me think of sleestaks.
So are we supposed to trust Obama on the Honduran constitution when he hasn’t even shown a working knowledge of our own constitution?
They write horoscopes so there is nearly no way they could be wrong. Mine today says, “Obama will tax you heavily.”
When did Canada get a whole day? I thought we gave them a half-day in March when nothing else is going on.
I know the iguanodon was discovered long before Happy Days came out, but it still should have been called the fonzie-saur.
In an election where Ahmadinejad got 63% of the vote, the Iranians recounted only 10% of the ballots. What about the rest of the ballots?
I speculate thusly:
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* They’re in the front seat of Ahmadinjad’s car so that the little midget can see over the steering wheel.
* Once Iran is finished hanging all the protesters, they’ll be retrieved from under the wobbly leg of the gallows and re-counted.
* Reserved for training the Ayatollah’s new puppy, “Puddles”.
* Unable to recount because Office Depot shorted their order by a dozen cases of White Out.
* Due to a typo, most Iranian provinces spent the last week counting boxes of bullets.
* Accidentally invalidated when all their corners were cut off so they could be used as props for the TV series “Battlestar Iranica”.
* Covertly shipped into Iraq for use by insurgents in “Improvised Papercut Devices”.
* A friendly paper-airplane-making contest at the vote-counting center got a little out of hand.
* Testing the theory that 25 million sheets of paper, if laid end to end, would stretch all the way around the planet.
* Assembling them into the world’s largest “KICK ME” sign. Still trying to figure out how to tape it to Israel’s back.
Any other ideas?
From 1996, the Schoolhouse Rock episode, “Tyrannosaurus Debt“:
Remember back when the debt was only $5 trillion? This video makes me really miss those days.
It also offers a brief history of our national debt, and speaks of the debt in disparaging tones while calling it names – a combination which some Monster-Americans may find offensive.
I don’t get Obama and Honduras. Why would we want to prop up some guy who’s trying to become a dictator against American interests? I could see some real warmongering president doing that because he wanted more challenges, but Obama doesn’t need more challenges. In fact, he needs like the bunny slope of foreign policy. Like maybe Canada doesn’t like how we make fun of hockey or Jamaica demands more steel drums or Belgium is scared and needs a hug… that sort of thing. If he screws up, worst we get is cut off from maple syrup exports. Right now, he’s dealing with Iran and North Korea where if he screws up someone gets nuked. That’s not fair to him or us.
How about he let’s Cheney take over the hard stuff while he’s still on the training wheels. I think it would work well for him. Anytime something goes wrong, he can say, “That’s that bad Cheney!” I think he’s already starting to miss blaming things on the Bush administration, so he will probably really like that. And we all don’t get nuked. Everyone’s happy.
So Frank shoots me an email saying “This blog needs more nepotism! My Uncle Bruce gave IMAO an award. Post it so that I can tell my stupid little sister that I already filled my quota of family-member blogging for the year and she’ll stop nagging me to mention her costume-designing credits”
Thus Uncle Bruce has honored IMAO with the “The War Against Wall Street Award” Award.
What Frank didn’t mention is that Uncle Bruce is one of those diabolical Wall Street types himself, who goes around tricking people into sending him money, which he then squanders on worthful stocks, leaving unwitting investors with nothing but their principal plus capital gains and dividends.
A low creature, indeed. And one to be avoided.
If you MUST invest, remember to only do so for purposes of spreading the wealth around, because that’s good for everybody. It’s ok not to punish yourself for your success, but DO make sure that everyone behind you has a chance for success, too.
NOTE: Still caught up. Non-Frank-family-member submissions now being accepted!
FINE PRINT:
To join the exclusive club of blogs who honor IMAO and have your award featured on our sidebar with a link to your blog, make up a fancy award image honoring IMAO, blog about it, and drop a link in the comments.
Keep it PG-13, and if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, your award will be duly noted in a post (Current estimated wait time – 0 Award posts – NEXT SUBMITTED, NEXT POSTED), and placed in the sidebar with a link to your site.
As added incentive for people to honor IMAO with worthless, made-up awards, those who do so may proudly display this worthless, made-up Participant Ribbon:
If you don’t have a blog, then send your image to harvolson-at-gmail.com and include a link to one of your favorite IMAO posts.
For the Photoshop-impaired, here’s a guide to making mediocre fake pictures with Microsoft Paint
Or try the free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.
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Now get honoring!
I guess “damnable harpy” doesn’t work as a term of endearment. The couch sure is comfy, though.
“You can see his stripes but you know he’s clean.” Dio, I checked the internets, and no one knows what you mean.
I think my new hobby is going to be beating up celebrities. I’ll start with D-List and work my way up to A-List. Should be good exercise.
I think a good A-List to beat up would be Brad Pitt, but I’m afraid that afterward I’d realize I was actually him the whole time.
