I’m starting to get confused. Okay, more confused.
We have two major parties in this country. The Democrats and the Republicans, in case you weren’t sure. Either a Republican or a Democrat has won every presidential election in this country since the Crusades. Or Zachary Taylor’s 1848 election, I forget which. And the last president that wasn’t a Democrat or a Republican, and that didn’t die in office, was John Quincy Adams, a Democratic-Republican (forerunners of Democrats), in 1824.
Over the years, it’s been confusing. Both parties have had conservatives, liberals, and moderates. And still do. I know, I know, it’s hard to believe there are any conservative Democrats, but, truth be told, there are. I can’t name one, but trust me, they exist.
Today, it’s generally considered that Democrats are liberal and Republicans are conservative. And most fit that mold. But not all.
The problem with that — or one of the problems, anyway — is that many members of a party will put party over ideology … and even over country. Witness: the undermining of the military in the recent two election cycles.
So, what do we do?
The president can solve this. How? Appoint me as Political Party Czar!
I’ll have power to assign politicians to the correct party. And create new parties if needed.
Obama, of course, gets booted from the Democratic party (sorry, Boss), but gets to lead the Socialist party. Nancy Pelosi will be in the Barking Moonbat party. As will be Harry Reid.
John McCain (sorry, sir) will be shifted from the Republican party (Meggie Mac, too) to the new Moderate party. Olympia Snowe, too. Or, maybe I’ll make some of that group into Whigs. We don’t have enough Whigs any more.
Some of the current Republicans will become Democrats, some Democrats will become Republicans, and … well, some I need to think about longer.
Sure, it’ll be hell having to meet with all the politicians and figure out what to do with them all. And, while I’m assessing and assigning all politicians in Congress to the proper party, Congress will have to be suspended, as will Executive Orders. This is to ensure that when further legislative or executive actions are taken, everyone is properly placed where they belong.
I don’t make this promise lightly: I will take whatever time is needed to ensure that every politician is in the proper political party.
Could take years.
I’m guessing Waxman would be in the “strange looking aliens from outer space” party? What party would you put Kucinich in? I’m guessing Cynthia McKinney will be in the “batsh@t crazy” party?
You’re right this could take a long time.
[Re: Waxman, Kucinich, McKinney … They could all go in the same party; either the Alien or Batsh*t Crazy party. – B]
Take your time and get it right. There’s no rush.
Twenty five years sounds about right to me.
Not sure if Ron Paul is BarkingMad or Batsh*t Crazy or what?
[Yes, he is. – B]
The problem with Washington is that two parties no longer exist. They all belong to the incumbent party. Why do large corporations dump loads of money on both party candidates? Because the politicians are all the same… greedy, greedy, greedy. All they want is to be re-elected.
We need more candidates like Jason Chaffetz of Utah. The Independence Caucus worked tirelessly to elect Chaffetz, even when he was outspent 6-to-1 !!! This is an grassroots organization with a battle plan that has worked!!
[Heck, I can do better than that group! You see, with me assigning everyone to whatever party I say fits best, they’ll have to straighten up and fly right … or I’ll put them in the same party with Cynthia McKinney and Ron Paul. You know, the Circus Clown party. – B]
Which party would you place Huckabee in? Would you place John Edwards and Mitt Romney together in the Very Shiny Hair Party?
And it’s a good thing you’re smart enough not to try and stick Teh Fred in any party Teh Fred doesn’t want to be in.
Wait, back up. There’s a second party? What are they called again? How come we never hear from them?
[Yes, there are two parties: Democrats, and Democrats Lite. Until I get done with them, that is. – B]
Like Bill Maher said…
two parties exist in america now, the republican (currently democrats) and the fringe crazies (half of the current republican party). Other half of somewaht sane republicans remain classified as republicans. Fringe lefties, well, I’ll just call them special.
[Ah, Bill Maher. I remember him. He was funny a long time ago. Whatever happened to him? – B]
Nice plan in theory, but with all those political parties in mind your plan is as complicated as the Obamacare bill.
There’s still only 2 parties we need:
1. The Reagan-Palin Conservative party in Washington DC
and
2. The pity party of all the incumbents & media elite that will lose in 2010 & 2012 and have to return to their home districts to live under the crap that they rushed through passage.
[It’s complicated on purpose. That’s why it’ll take a while. Read the last three paragraphs again. – B]
I have three questions:
A. ( Yeah I’m lettering them instead of numbering them even though theres only three) What will become of the Libertarians?
B. Will there a be a party for people who are crazy then Democrats, aren’t Socialists but still really out there…. I guess I’m asking if the Nazi Party will be given members.
C. Will you also be puting figures in Media outlets in there correct parties such as Tom Cruise, Lindsay Lohan, That Cat on the Youtube Videos, Paris Hilton, Michael Moore, and Heidi Klum?
[Libertarians? The smarter ones get to be in one of the major parties. The more conservative to the GOP and the less conservative to the Dems. The crazy ones get farmed out to the minors. If they mature, they’ll get promoted.
All the batsh*t crazies get to be in batsh*t crazy parties. The membership of each will be kept small. We’ll go so far as Batsh*t Crazy Left-handers, Batsh*t Crazy With Beards, and so on, if necessary. And, sure, the Nazis get a party. But each local chapter will be run by a Joooo!
Entertainment Media ? You’ll have to ask SarahK. She’s the Entertainment Media Expert. I’m recommending her as Entertainment Media Czar. – B]
LOL. There will be a lot of Batsh*t Crazy parties. Guess it is necessary, though.
This is an easy problem, Frank. There really is no need to meet with all of the politicians before decding where they go. Just put them where you think they go. If they complain, call them racist and say they’re acting stupidly. That usually works.
Either way, good post, Harvey.
Yow-zah!
Zachmaster Taylor in the Hizzouse!!!
We gonna party like it’ s 1849!
All the czars in the house say hey!!
Yeah, I think I suggested a few weeks ago that everyone need to take a new “party test” to determine what part they truly belong to. Same idea, just not administered by a Czar. You are as smart as me, but not as quick, Dear Basil 😉
Our ballot will look like an Iraqi election! Floridians will have no chance of figuring out a ballot with 100 parties on it.
BTW, there used to be conservative democrats but they all died. I think it was virus or something.
[Elections won’t be a problem. I’m suggesting Harvey for Election Czar. Harvey knows about every state, so he’s quite capable of understanding the issues and ruling quickly. – B]
How big is the cargo hold on the space shuttle? I think ALL incumbents should be crammed in it and put it on auto-pilot towards the sun.
[The shuttle fleet isn’t big enough. We need to build a “B” Ship, and send it to colonize another planet. We’d load it with all the politicians, hairdressers, tired TV producers, insurance salesmen, personnel officers, security guards, public relations executives, management consultants
… – B]
Good idea (and H/T to PammyV for the inspirition). Since all the parties will be distilled to their prime and finest essence, their messages will be presented far more clearly.
Obviously, the loonies and moonbats and kossaks and such will be seen in all their dark hatreds. People will finally notice the fence upon which all the moderates are sitting. Without all the wanna-be’s and hangers-on, the party of Fred will be more clearly perceived and everyone will want to join it. Will there be a process to change parties, or will everyone be compelled to remain where they are as the penalty for their intellectual dishonesty?
[Oh, if someone ends up in the wrong party, they will be moved around to where they belong. Most of the intellectually dishonest, though, will be sent to the minors. To a Batsh*t Crazy party, or to a Lying Scumbag party, depending on the circumstances. – B]
With Basil as Political Party Czar and Harvey as Election Czar politics will be more fun and interesting. As for the Circus Clown party & Batsh*t Crazy party do we get to lunch them into the sun?
[They get loaded onto the B Ship. I assume you’ve read your Douglas Adams
– B]
I have no problem with the idea, I’m all fer it, and if it takes 25 years, well, that’s just the price we have to pay.
But I do have one question, does Ed ever get mad at B for poaching on his turf?
[Ed doesn’t talk to me. Just to Wilbur. – B]
I was wondering where I’d read that before. I should have known it had to be Douglas Adams.
Oh, and I’m all for Basil and Harvey being in charge of politcal parties and elections. Despotism works great when the despot is smart and a good guy.
What if I dont want to party? These parties dont sound all that fun really….but if I have to be “placed”, can I get the one with all the Americans in it? I dont know what you’re gonna call it, but it’ll be the one with all the bitter, gun clingy types.
Put me in TTroy’s column. Or the Huckabee/Romney party so I can watch the Baptisits and Mormons making nice-nice. And s-p-e-a-k- v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y to the incumbents. I want to be dead by the time Obamacare kicks in.
I was thinking he meant the space ship that carried Tom Arnold, Rosie O’Donnel, Pauly Shore, Homer and Bart to the Sun.
[They would be assigned to the B Ship. – B]
Basil, Why try to think up names for non-existent fringe party’s when there are so many fringe party’s already existing, including this party: MODERN WHIG PARTY – Seizing the name of the defunct Whig Party (1833-1856) of Presidents Zachary Taylor, John Tyler and Millard Fillmore, this new Modern Whig Party was launched in 2008. Nearly all of the party founders and state chairs are Iraq/Afghan War veterans. These new Whigs explain themselves as follows: “We represent moderate voters from all walks of life who cherry-pick between traditional Democratic and Republican ideals in what has been called the Modern Whig Philosophy. This includes general principles of fiscal responsibility, strong national defense and bold social progression.” They are centrists — claiming “tens of thousands of members” by 2009- who support a strong military, energy independence, increased funding of the sciences and education, more spending on veterans and veteran families, and oppose legislating morality. The party is establishing state party affiliates around the nation and is fielding a few candidates for Congress and state legislature. This party (which really isn’t THAT bad) and many, many more (some just as crazy as any you could think up) can be found here………….. http://www.politics1.com/parties.htm
[We will probably leave the fringe folks where they are. If we put too many Republicans and Democrats in the current fringe parties, the fringe parties might get big enough to make an impact. That’s the last thing we want. So, if we create new fringe parties (like Batsh*t Crazy with prison tats, for example), that’ll keep them where we know what they are. – B]
Anyone who trys to place me into a party gets a hot french fry to the eyeball.
It sounds familiar. The space ship would resemble a DC-10. Instead of flying it into the Sun, it would be crashed into a volcano, and then be obliterated by a hydrogen bomb blast. Not only would it solve the present problems, it would lead to the founding of a new religion.
[As long as they don’t go really crazy and start crashing planes into buildings, it should be just fine. – B]
The parties will need honest discriptive names. The democrats will be the “Crazy Batsh@t Kill Your Granny ” party. The Republicans will be the “Cringing Wimpy Eunich” party. 25 years? No way. It will take that long just tg name the parties.
I think there are probably a lot of liberal women who would fit into the Barking Moonbat party. Pelosi, of course, would be their fearless leader and I’m sure they’d even make her face the official logo for the party.
Though, Obama should probably be in the Secret Socialist Party since he and his followers aren’t willing to admit that his ideals are socialist.
Folks above have referenced the Crazy Batsh@t party and the Batsh*t Crazy party. I thought that this idea would bring clarity, but now I’m confused all over again. Nuts, I hadn’t intended to start drinking this early today.
[Oh, don’t make the mistake of confusing the Crazy Batsh@t party and the Batsh*t Crazy party. That would be as bad as confusing the People’s Front of Judea with the Judean People’s Front. – B]
Maybe after all this is done then, you can take the title “political party czar” drop the “political” and have one hell of a national party… you know, free beer for everyone….
[That’s the entire purpose of the Keg Party. – B]
Zombie Conservatism. But I keep bringing that up after everyone’s already eaten. Kinda defeats the purpose.
[Zombies need a voice in the political process, too. – B]
We don’t need more czars. We need more Zods!
There could be Health Zod who could look at sick people and say, “Heal before Zod!” An Agriculture Zod could say “Peel before Zod!” Navy Zod: “SEAL before Zod!” Trade Czar: “Deal before Zod!” FDA Czar: “Meal before Zod!” Fishing Czar: “Reel before Zod!” Sensitivity Training Zod: “Feel before Zod!” Animal Rights Zod: “Don’t eat veal before Zod!” Automotive Zod: “Wheel before Zod, with a teal paint job!
I want to be Zod of pissing on Robert McNamara’s grave.
You and a lot of other’s want that Zod job. I want to be hippie punching Zod….
Basil when you are Policy Czar could you create a position for me. Something along the lines of Political party matriarc. It will be my job to place member of administrations, Congress, the Pentagon, and lobbiests in time out, send them to bed without supper or (my personal favorite ) take them out to the woodshed for a little “laying on of hands for the gift of obedience or in their case maybe the best we could hope for is common sense.
I have thirty plus years of dealing with people who have the emotional and intellectual levels of pre-teens. Of course my children grew up eventually and have become (5 out of 6 anyway) stalwarts in their communities and happy conservatives. I’d be pleased to serve with you in this great work.
Thank you.
[Though I do not want to increase the size of government, as Political Party Czar, I will need a few staff members. You are definitely qualified for the position. – B]
Monty Python’s Flying Circus:
Election coverage:
Silly Party, Sensible Party, Extremely Silly Party.