While I was on vacation, apparently there was an attempted terror attack where a terrorist tried to blow up a plane with his underwear. Lucky for America, he failed, but who knows what will happen in the future? No worries, though, because Obama is on the case with some new plans to keep us safe.
TOP TEN IDEAS FROM OBAMA TO KEEP US SAFE ON AIRPLANES
10. Remind the world that he is now president and that everybody likes him.
9. Increase recycling programs.
8. Have a midnight basketball program for terrorists to keep them occupied with things other than terror.
7. Spend some time really reflecting on why people want to blow us up with their underwear.
6. Give terrorists some empty planes to blow up to help their self-esteem.
5. Enact a five day waiting period for underwear.
4. Finally find bin Laden so we can hand him a written apology for American imperialism.
3. Pass health care reform.
2. New policy: Free pie after your flight, but only if you don’t blow up the plane.
And the number one idea from Obama to keep us safe on airplanes…
Blame Bush.
Also watercolors, to help them express their sensitive side.
Basketball? In a post about a black President? Racism.
11. Announce new security measures that do nothing but inconvenience passengers. When these measures fail, make another speech.
12. Golf outing!
Ironically, I used to joke with others in airport security lines about removing our shoes, saying: “Good think that guy didn’t try to blow up his underwear!” Why couldn’t this guy try to blow up a turban or something? It isn’t like I’m planning on wearing one of those to an airport.
* How about protecting us from breast bombs? Breast implants are D A N G E R O U S. We need breast inspections!! Do you realize how much damage a pair of D-cups could do?
Continue Vacation on Hawaiian Beach by Putting Head Defiantly in the Sand
* Threaten the use of preemptive Atomic Wedgies!
* Start calling such incidents “Man-made Forced Landings.”
* Fine tune the detection equipment to lessen the number of false positives caused by skid marks.
Open up US flight schools to any/all young Muslim males from around the world, as a way of helping them cope with their anger and to give them a warmer, fuzzier appreciation for what goes into a $75 Million airliner. Studying electrical, flight control, and hydraulic manuals would be a great way to teach them how to read, and their available time to improvise new groin-centric explosive devices would be greatly diminished.
* Have the Fruit of the Loom guys do PSAs for the TSA in their BVDs ASAP.
* Mandatory “short-arm” inspections.
Hold a $2,000.00 a plate dinner every Wed. nite at the White House for for Obama’s gbest bibe givers, er, friends.
Denmand all terrorists file for carbon credits before blowng up an airplane. All that smoke and pollution, you know.
Go for ice cream with the kids when a crisis happens.
* Change the warnings in the airplandes from “No Smoking” to “No Smoking or Exploding.”
* All the free beer in flight that you can drink. Then, because of the long bathroom lines, they will wet themselves and render the bombs useless.
No.
No I do not….sigh…
* aircraft aluminum recycling program.
* Remind everyone that it is not about him… ‘Cause he is safe aboard Air Force 1.
* Have teleprompter make a speach.
Ideas from Obama to Keep Us Safe:
Force the world to submit to his Cap and Trade program so everyone will be poor and equally beneath him.
If underwear is outlawed, only outlaws will have underwear.
Sell Obama Cares Flotation Devices taxed extra for guaranty to “last to eternity”
Since we are plea bargaining away the criminal case, maybe we can threaten to sue ’em?
#11: Put up “No Underwear Bomb signs” in airports all over the US, thus preventing underwear bombers from boarding airplanes, just like a “no-guns” sign prevents school shootings.
* Declare every plane ‘halal’, by Executive Order.
* Declare all explosive devices to be ‘haraam’, by Executive Order.
* 72 virgin goats await Jihadis at the luggage pickup carousels upon safe arrival.
* Each plane shall be equipped with snakes, and Samuel L. Jackson
* Cloning of John McClane, will allow one for each plane flight.
Allow people to bring their Dobermans or large breed dogs in the cabin after the dogs have eaten chili with beans. The flatus from the dogs will bring terrorists to their knees.
“From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now 16 years old.” – Bananas 1971
Here’s hoping Obummer doesn’t appoint Woody Allen to TSA.
Ok maybe I missed the memo but, since when does Obama fly on “regular” airplanes? Aren’t those just for the unwashed, deluded, ignorant masses? Doesn’t he have a big, luxurious, government subsidized airplane all for his little self? I thought it was security prohibited for him to do anything approaching “normal”. After all he might catch the flu, or a cold or heaven forbid a clue.
IMAO, an Islamist attack on Christmas Day
unties the hands of our military
to loose the dogs of war during any
Ramadan we choose.
Furthermore, I think we should call Detroit a ‘Holy City’ since the ’57 Chevy and 1972 Gran Torino were built there, therefore
we can attack any ‘holy city ‘ of theirs we need to.
Result: we win.
Where do I pick up my peace prize?
I’ve been pondering for some time now whether the Obami are engaged in esoteric, Machiavellian political calculus, or if they are just a bunch of dim-witted, clueless numb-nuts operating wholly out of their depth.
I’ve since determined that, in any practical real-world application, there is essentially no discernible difference between the two concepts.
Can you imagine a stupider way to die than a person blowing themselves up with their underpants? On purpose? What a maroon.
How about giving them prayer mats made from that same material as the underwear? It beats an i-phone!
Declare all airports underwear free zones. This should not bring any changes to Hollywood, Berkeley, Madison, and Provincetown MA.
Turn all muzzie countries into a sea of boiling glass now, instead of later. 😉
Have a great, big German Shepherd stationed at the gate to sniff crotches. No, he’s not looking for explosives, he just really likes to sniff crotches. Although it may be too Un PC to embarrass the 2 guys on the plane by making them cry out and assume the fetal position at the sight of a dog.
“If they see that our national government is efficient and well administered, our trade prudently regulated, our militia properly organized and disciplined, our resources and finances discreetly managed, our credit re-established, our people free, contented, and united, they will be much more disposed to cultivate our friendship than provoke our resentment.”
– Federalist #4
Yeah, that would work, but it’s hard.
Must easier just to make paying customers stay in their seats for the last hour of each flight.
Ummmm can the pie be pork?
#32 FTW: The way to stop panty bombs = no undies.
Before it’s all said and done, they’ll have us flying NAKED or not flying at all…