* So suddenly out of nowhere, we have this Gang of Six plan. When it looks like something might get accomplished, we always get a nice compromise plan to move deck chairs around and look busy while pretty much keeping the status quo. Obama sounds like he’s grudgingly for the plan, so you can rest assured it accomplishes nothing.

Cut, Cap, and Balance passed the House, though it’s not expected to pass the Senate. It’s an all spending cuts plan, though not nearly enough to get our budget back on track, but also goes way too far for Democrats to accept it.

This system just ain’t working, people; we have to change it. Might need a new Constitution with a lot more laws about Congress. Like more mentions of prison. If you mess up the economy this bad, prison. “Hey, all of you in Congress, time’s up — you’re going to prison. And you don’t get out until the $14 trillion in debt is paid off; we did confiscate all of your wealth to help pay it down, but that didn’t quite cover it. Now make room for the new guys coming in to replace you. Oh, and new guys, make sure the first item on your budget is MORE PRISONS FOR POLITICIANS.”

* If you wonder why Obama hasn’t had any plan, that’s because, as Jay Carney explained, “Leadership is not proposing a plan.” So when Obama is lying on the couch eating Cheetos and watching QVC, that’s called “leading”. And if we throw Obama out of office in 2012, he’ll be able to lead all day long.

* So like half our budget now is Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare — things that didn’t used to be the government’s business at all are now most of what it does. The main function of the federal government is going to be to hand out checks in the form of entitlements — checks it can’t afford. Can’t we find a way to ease out of this? I know a lot of people are now dependent on the government and will revolt if they’re cut, but can’t we go ahead and announce to a certain age group that you’re not going to receive any of these benefits, so be prepared? Just make sure it’s an age group that won’t get all worked up about it. “As your president, I have some bad news to deliver to our nation’s five-year-olds: You will not receive any Social Security and can’t expect Medicare to be there for you.” There’s going to be a lot of anger in our nation’s kindergartens, but think of how much smaller government will be sixty years from now.

* So Rupert Murdoch was hit with a pie, but then his 43-year-old wife jumped in with a flying kick that EXPLODED THE GUY’S HEAD!

Many liberals think Rupert Murdoch deserved a pie to the face because they don’t like him and they don’t know how to hate in degrees, because their minds are like those of children. If they decide you are on the other side, that means you must stand for absolutely everything they hate. And that means you deserve anything bad that happens. But remember any liberals who seem to approve of the pie throwing, because that means they’re fair game for a pie. And while we’re at it, we can throw shoes at their heads.

* Apparently Michelle Bachmann suffers CRIPPLING MIGRAINES. Numerous times a day, she’ll be talking normally and then suddenly start screaming and gripping her head. Sometimes the heads of other people around her are exploded. In fact, she spends 75% of the day curled up in a ball sobbing… so way less time than Barack Obama.

* The police conducted a nationwide raid, arresting sixteen members of the “Anonymous” hacking group. But they don’t have any pictures yet! I want to see what the hackers look like! Which Pokemon do they have on their t-shirts? What’s their combined weight total? How many of them still live with their parents? Anytime we arrest a bunch of anonymous hackers, it should be a national day of mockery.

* EA Sports is expanding in Austin, creating 300 more jobs there, and Governor Rick Perry spoke at the announcement, promoting video games. I keep hearing about Perry entering the presidential race, and it sure would be nice to have a president who is pro-video games. Me, if I were president, I would probably do nothing but play video games. Everyone would say, “Mr. President! We’re all scared about the economy and want you to make a bunch of new social programs and spend a lot of money!” And I’d be like, “Nope. Too busy playing video games.” I’d be like Coolidge… but with a lot more three stars on Angry Birds levels.

* Wisdom of the Day: “After the Son of Sam murders, NY TV ran a whole series of ‘Don’t Do Things Your Dog Tells You To Do’ ads.” –Michael Kupperman

* Allen West wrote an e-mail calling Debbie Wasserman-Schultz “vile, unprofessional, and despicable”. I don’t think anyone will dispute that. He also wrote that she is not a lady. That’s easy to see, too. If someone told me, “I have Wasserman-Schultz”, my first thought would not be, “That means you have… a lady.” Instead I would think you were referring to industrial equipment that assembles car doors or a maybe a genetic skin disease. What does a “Wasserman-Schultz” sound like to you? Best answer wins… wait for it… HIGH PRAISE!

* Obama has threatened to veto the Republicans’ “cut, cap, and balance” bill. He said, “I’m okay with balancing the budget and I’d like to avoid default, which could destroy our nation, but not if that involves any spending cuts. If anything, I want to spend even more money, and I can’t comprehend any reason I shouldn’t get what I want. So there’s nothing I will let be cut… except maybe some defense. Like I’ve been seeing this bill lately for drone strikes in Libya; anyone even have any idea what that’s about? If we cut that, though, then I’d just want the money in more social programs. People love those… and if they don’t, I’m sure they will eventually if I force them on people. Now excuse me, I have tee time.”

I’m starting to think we’re not going to get anything meaningful done with the budget while Obama is president.

* Harry Reid says the Senate will meet every day until the debt limit increase is passed. That’s Harry Reid, always doddering to action to get things done. Of course, they could have gotten this budget mess all sorted out way back when Democrats had majorities in the House and Senate, but now Reid is finally determined to get it done. What did America do to deserve such dynamic leadership? I’m guessing slavery.

* Wonder where all that tax money Obama and the Democrats won’t cut is going? Well, $900,000 is going for studying the size of gay men’s penises. You ask a regular person, “Hey, want to spot me $900,000 to study gay men’s penis sizes?” and the person would say, “That’s a huge sum of money and an idiotic thing to spend it on!” You ask the government, which only spends other people’s money, though, and they’re like, “Wow! What a bargain on finding out the sizes of gay men’s penises!” I’m starting to wonder if this system of giving nitwits in DC billions of our dollars to spend and the ability to confiscate more of our money when they feel like it is such a great idea. I can’t put my finger on it, but something about that just doesn’t seem well thought out.

* MSNBC is thinking of adding Al Sharpton to their lineup. I guess MSNBC finally decided to diversify their staff of red-faced white guys like Chris Matthews and Ed Schultz shouting incoherently and add a race-baiting bottom feeder. It really goes with their new slogan: “MSNBC: You’re now dumber for having watched us.”

* Speaking of dumber for having watched MSNBC, Rachel Maddow was trying to scare people on the voter ID law — which is rather hard, because having someone show a valid photo ID before voting just reeks so much of basic common sense — and she claimed that people with concealed carry permits are exempted from the law. A CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT IS A VALID PHOTO ID, IDIOT! People always talk about guns’ ability to kill, but their biggest power seems to be to cause certain people’s IQ to drop 60 points by the mere mention of them.

Also, since you can get a free photo ID, who exactly is going to be disenfranchised by this law other than the extremely lazy? And weren’t they already disenfranchised, since voting requires you to get up and do stuff? Is there really any argument against showing your ID to vote other than that you think voter fraud will help your party?

* John Hawkins of Right Wing News says the independent, conservative blogosphere — of which IMAO is a member — is dying. Traffic for IMAO actually peaked way back during the 2004 election. There wasn’t much of an increase for the 2008 election, and it’s been down for a while. Still, I’m hoping for some big things in 2012 (plus it will be IMAO’s tenth blogiversary), but I do wonder if there will be much traffic to keep going after that and I’ll have to join some bigger establishment blog to keep going. BTW, tell everyone to read IMAO — its news roundup is great!

* Wisdom of the Day: “What Obama says: ‘I can fix it!’ What he means: ‘Buy gold!'” –J.P. Freire

* Yesterday, I asked you what could be done to make soccer more interesting, and I really think the answer is nothing. Everything just seems lame when you add soccer to the mix. Like I thought of adding dinosaurs to soccer (the T-Rex has tiny, useless hands, so he seems like a good fit), but then I imagined dinosaurs playing soccer, and now I hate dinosaurs. Still, I said I’d give out HIGH PRAISE and KingJamesTheCapitalist wrote this:

I would make soccer more interesting by tying all the players to metal poles that allow them to hang above the arena just high enough to where their feet don’t touch the ground. Then you inter-space them appropriately for an even mach up put the ball in the middle and get a group of drunk college students to move the poles around so the players can hit the ball into the opposing teams goal.

That does sound kind of fun, so HIGH PRAISE for KingJamesTheCapitalist.

KingJamesTheCapitalist, we all aspire to have your wisdom.

* So Obama had a press conference Friday, and it was pretty pointless — so he’s got a perfect record so far on that. One odd thing he said though was that 80% of people support tax hikes. Really? 80% of people are looking at what we have going on in the economy and saying, “We sure need our taxes raised to fix this!” Obama is always arguing against strawmen — made up opponents who exist only in his imagination — and now I guess he’s using made up statistics to defeat them.

But that wasn’t even the craziest thing he said. He also referred to “job-killing tax cuts”. Really? Tax cuts kill jobs? Well, Obama has never worked in an actual job, so maybe in his ignorance and fear of people who do useful things for a living he thinks tax cuts somehow lead to unemployment. “Yay! More tax cuts for the rich! That means more money for me to bury in the backyard and do nothing with! Why don’t I celebrate by firing people!” Of course, Obama’s own personal experience with rich people is, “Wow, another year of accomplishing absolutely nothing. I should write another memoir about it.”

* Obama says we don’t need a balanced budget amendment, because, you know, he’s doing such a great job of balancing the budget on his own.

AMERICAN PEOPLE: “Hey, Obama, we want you to balance the budget.”

OBAMA: “Okay. Here you go. It’s balanced.”

AMERICAN PEOPLE: “Um… this still raises the deficit.”

OBAMA: “I don’t get your point.”

AMERICAN PEOPLE: “Do you even know what a balanced budget is?”

OBAMA: “I reject the false choice between…”

AMERICAN PEOPLE: “SHUT UP OR I WILL NEVER STOP SLAPPING YOU!”

Doesn’t look like we have much hope of Republicans doing it either because they always get too timid. I think the main difference between the two parties was that if there existed a button that one could press to balance the budget and make all the hard cuts need to reduce the government with no political backlash, one party one press it and the other would seal it in concrete and sink in the sea.

* According to a poll, 73% of Palestinians agree that Jews should be killed wherever they hide. Let’s give those people a state! Seriously, but can’t we make it more of a penal colony… like some isolated island they can’t get off of and only have birds and the occasional sea turtle to blow up? Just coming up with a peaceful solution, people, and when the problem involves people okay with murder, peace means isolating them away from others.

* Shelia Jackson Lee accused that the debt-ceiling debate is all about racism. Isn’t this like a modern day minstrel show these people who come on TV and accuse absolutely everything of being about racism? It’s nothing but laughable to 90% of the population now. So who is it that keeps electing Shelia Jackson Lee so she can publicly make a buffoon of her self? Must be people who really hate black people.

* Here’s some suggesting that that JFK was the worst president of the 20th century. That’s a pretty different perspective since liberals adore because they have all this folklore built up around him and conservatives tolerate him since he accepted the idea of raising revenue by lowering taxes. Plus everyone gives him some leeway for being shot in the head. Still, looking at the rest of his relatives, they’re not only people who shouldn’t have been in power, they shouldn’t have been mixing with the general population at all.

As for worst president of the 21st century, though, Obama looks to already be setting a pretty low bar for someone in the future to have to limbo under to win the title. Best president is pretty wide open, still. You just have to be better than George W. — which was way too high of a mountain to climb for Obama. Anyone want to try for that?

* So our women lost to Japan’s women at soccer, which is all the more depressing because it’s a women’s sport. It was 120 minutes with four goals (which is a lot for soccer), followed by an extremely anti-climactic shootout (not the cool kind with revolvers) that settled the matter in a couple pointless minutes. Still, if we had won the World Cup, I think that only would have extended American interest in the sport by about ten minutes, so I thought I’d give some suggestions to make the sport more interesting to Americans:

– Have the clock tick down instead of up — like it’s a real sport.

– Have Madden be a commentator. “Japan is trying to score a goal on the Americans; they’re going to want to stop that.”

– Since they can’t use their hands to move the ball, go ahead and put weapons in them.

How would you make soccer more interesting? Best answer wins… HIGH PRAISE!

* As for HIGH PRAISE for praising Nuke the News I reward it to Mxymaster who said:

I love Nuke the News so much that I love it even more than ice cream, and I love ice cream so much that I would eat it for every meal if I could, that I would eat ice cream in church if the pastor didn’t get all huffy, that I would eat a piece of newspaper off the subway floor with the words “ice cream” written on them and enjoy it. That’s how much I love Nuke the News. And ice cream.

I also like ice cream!

Myxmaster, you are the representation of all the potential man has.

Also, just for the heck of it, I’m going to award more HIGH PRAISE to Bantha_Fodder:

You’re the most awesomeness, Bantha_Fodder!

* Behold the 3D printer:

Good to know we’re making steady progress towards having Star Trek type replicators.

* So the U.S. defaulting is supposed to be super bad. Well, there is the possibility of a temporary deal out there that will prevent default… though that means this whole debate will come up again in 2012 when it will be super inconvenient to point out once more how Obama can’t control his spending. Anyway, Obama has said absolutely no to a deal that doesn’t get him past the election. So Jake Tapper called WH Press Secretary Jay Carney on this, asking whether default is really preferable to a deal that only goes to 2012. Carney said he couldn’t say which was worse… though couldn’t explain how a temporary deal was so horrible.

This is a lie of course. The truth from Carney would be, “Of course we would rather have a default than a temporary deal that doesn’t go to 2013, because a temporary deal would hurt Obama’s election chances, and hurting Obama politically is way worse than default. It’s way worse that the country getting nuked. Obama would rather a 9/11 style catastrophe every single day until November rather than lose power. I want to look the American people in the eye and make this clear: We would rather see you all dead and dying than give up power.” To which I hope Jake Tapper’s response would be, “Thank you for you candor.”

* A generic Republican is now 8 points ahead of Obama in the latest Gallup poll. Like I’ve said before, we need to get a guy in a Mexican wrestler’s mask (might help appeal to Latinos) and run him as “The Unnamed Republican”. Is there anywhere in the Constitution that the president has to be identified? Probably, but whatever — that can just be interpreted away.

* Pelosi compared Obama to Job. People seemed to assume she meant Job from the Bible, but maybe it was Gob Bluth from Arrested Development because that actually really fits. I mean he was inept at everything yet was very arrogant and extremely entitled. And he rode around on a dorky scooter. Actually, I don’t think I’ll be able to see Gob Bluth again without thinking Obama. “Really, Cantor, you’re going to tell the guy in a $5000 suit what to do about the debt? Come on!”

Actually, it would be pretty awesome if instead of playing “Hail to the Chief” when Obama entered the room, they instead put on “The Final Countdown.”

* San Diego is thinking about getting a cat tax. Basically, you’ll have to register your cat and pay money to the government. Needless to say, an idea like this could bankrupt crazy cat ladies everywhere.

So how does someone come up with something like this? Are they just sitting around brainstorming “What haven’t we taxed yet?” Or maybe it was more of an emotional thing. One guy was just tired of having to scold his cat for scratching the furniture for the umpteenth time and finally yelled, “That’s it! I’m taxing you! You’re taxed!”

* I saw Google News has added a new thing: Badges. You read enough news in a subject, you level up your badge. So, by reading enough news you could have like a bronze badge in the Middle East, a silver in the Economy, and a gold in politics and such. Actually, all they’ve given me is a video game badge so far. I’m not really sure what the point is and how that will affect the news when I increase my rank, but I better go level it up just in case.

* Here’s an image of the Spider-man costume from the new Spider-man movie:

Since this is going to be a reboot and thus start with an origin story again, does that mean we’re going to get a long scene of Peter Parker dying and sewing together a bunch of basketballs to make his costume? I mean, it looks like his costume was made to solve the problem of bad guys not being able to get a good grip on him.

* Think Progress had a funny tweet: “Today’s GOP makes George W. Bush look positively moderate”. What would be like the equivalent from us? “Today’s Democrats makes Joe Lieberman look positively moderate.” Anyway, just more evidence that liberals don’t understand conservatism enough to rage against it accurately. I think they just define conservatism as “whatever I currently hate”. The current is important; that’s how George W. Bush can be Satan one day and then the “good one” when he’s no longer a political threat. On the other hand, conservatives actually have a coherent philosophy that isn’t just about mindless partisanship — which is exactly why liberals have a lot of trouble understanding it.

* So what do you guys think of this feature so far? It takes me a while and leaves no time for any other posts, but I kind of like it. So how are you guys liking it? Whoever tell me they like it the most wins… HIGH PRAISE!