* So Obama had a press conference Friday, and it was pretty pointless — so he’s got a perfect record so far on that. One odd thing he said though was that 80% of people support tax hikes. Really? 80% of people are looking at what we have going on in the economy and saying, “We sure need our taxes raised to fix this!” Obama is always arguing against strawmen — made up opponents who exist only in his imagination — and now I guess he’s using made up statistics to defeat them.
But that wasn’t even the craziest thing he said. He also referred to “job-killing tax cuts”. Really? Tax cuts kill jobs? Well, Obama has never worked in an actual job, so maybe in his ignorance and fear of people who do useful things for a living he thinks tax cuts somehow lead to unemployment. “Yay! More tax cuts for the rich! That means more money for me to bury in the backyard and do nothing with! Why don’t I celebrate by firing people!” Of course, Obama’s own personal experience with rich people is, “Wow, another year of accomplishing absolutely nothing. I should write another memoir about it.”
* Obama says we don’t need a balanced budget amendment, because, you know, he’s doing such a great job of balancing the budget on his own.
AMERICAN PEOPLE: “Hey, Obama, we want you to balance the budget.”
OBAMA: “Okay. Here you go. It’s balanced.”
AMERICAN PEOPLE: “Um… this still raises the deficit.”
OBAMA: “I don’t get your point.”
AMERICAN PEOPLE: “Do you even know what a balanced budget is?”
OBAMA: “I reject the false choice between…”
AMERICAN PEOPLE: “SHUT UP OR I WILL NEVER STOP SLAPPING YOU!”
Doesn’t look like we have much hope of Republicans doing it either because they always get too timid. I think the main difference between the two parties was that if there existed a button that one could press to balance the budget and make all the hard cuts need to reduce the government with no political backlash, one party one press it and the other would seal it in concrete and sink in the sea.
* According to a poll, 73% of Palestinians agree that Jews should be killed wherever they hide. Let’s give those people a state! Seriously, but can’t we make it more of a penal colony… like some isolated island they can’t get off of and only have birds and the occasional sea turtle to blow up? Just coming up with a peaceful solution, people, and when the problem involves people okay with murder, peace means isolating them away from others.
* Shelia Jackson Lee accused that the debt-ceiling debate is all about racism. Isn’t this like a modern day minstrel show these people who come on TV and accuse absolutely everything of being about racism? It’s nothing but laughable to 90% of the population now. So who is it that keeps electing Shelia Jackson Lee so she can publicly make a buffoon of her self? Must be people who really hate black people.
* Here’s some suggesting that that JFK was the worst president of the 20th century. That’s a pretty different perspective since liberals adore because they have all this folklore built up around him and conservatives tolerate him since he accepted the idea of raising revenue by lowering taxes. Plus everyone gives him some leeway for being shot in the head. Still, looking at the rest of his relatives, they’re not only people who shouldn’t have been in power, they shouldn’t have been mixing with the general population at all.
As for worst president of the 21st century, though, Obama looks to already be setting a pretty low bar for someone in the future to have to limbo under to win the title. Best president is pretty wide open, still. You just have to be better than George W. — which was way too high of a mountain to climb for Obama. Anyone want to try for that?
* So our women lost to Japan’s women at soccer, which is all the more depressing because it’s a women’s sport. It was 120 minutes with four goals (which is a lot for soccer), followed by an extremely anti-climactic shootout (not the cool kind with revolvers) that settled the matter in a couple pointless minutes. Still, if we had won the World Cup, I think that only would have extended American interest in the sport by about ten minutes, so I thought I’d give some suggestions to make the sport more interesting to Americans:
– Have the clock tick down instead of up — like it’s a real sport.
– Have Madden be a commentator. “Japan is trying to score a goal on the Americans; they’re going to want to stop that.”
– Since they can’t use their hands to move the ball, go ahead and put weapons in them.
How would you make soccer more interesting? Best answer wins… HIGH PRAISE!
* As for HIGH PRAISE for praising Nuke the News I reward it to Mxymaster who said:
I love Nuke the News so much that I love it even more than ice cream, and I love ice cream so much that I would eat it for every meal if I could, that I would eat ice cream in church if the pastor didn’t get all huffy, that I would eat a piece of newspaper off the subway floor with the words “ice cream” written on them and enjoy it. That’s how much I love Nuke the News. And ice cream.
I also like ice cream!
Myxmaster, you are the representation of all the potential man has.
Also, just for the heck of it, I’m going to award more HIGH PRAISE to Bantha_Fodder:
You’re the most awesomeness, Bantha_Fodder!
* Behold the 3D printer:
Good to know we’re making steady progress towards having Star Trek type replicators.
I ROCK! With my HIGH PRAISE and FIVE BUCKS I’ll go buy A GALLON OF GAS! YEAH!!!!!11!!
So, in Frank J.’s world, ice cream is greater than Ronald Reagan.
You’ll never see another dollar and fifty cents from me, pal.
But can it print edible 3D bacon?
Someone should tell the Palestinians that the Jews are hiding in the same place they have been since 1948, right there in Israel where you and about a billion other worthless muslims haven’t been able to kill them.
Soccer would be more interesting if they had a wall to slam each other into. That and the goalies should be allowed to kick opposing players in the face.
“One odd thing he said though was that 80% of people support tax hikes.”
I seem to remember more than 80% of people being against Obamacare, with actual polling data to support that figure, and Obama said that was irrelevant. Why would the opinions of 80% of America suddenly matter to Obama at this point anyway?
The best way to make soccer more interesting would be to give all the players pads and helmets and let them run into each other; actually you should line them up facing each other and then run into each other as hard as possible. Next entirely eliminate the goalie from the game and let the players use their hands so more points are scored also make each goal worth 6 points and every time someone scores they get a free kick for an extra point. They should also use an elongated ball and raise the goal about 10ft of the ground. If the do all this then i will watch soccer.
Soccer will NEVER be interesting until it becomes……..
Naked lady soccer………..
with rocket launchers!!
Behold the 3D printer. Behold the big hype. These things have been around for years, if not a decade. They are essentially useful for one thing, and that is prototyping. Let’s see that brainiac use that Crescent wrench on an actual bolt. Also, major advances in CNC, plasma cutting, water cutting, etc., have already obsoleted some of the value of these printers.
One thing to make soccer more interesting: Don’t
Another thing to make soccer more interesting: Don’t talk about it if it actually happens.
Third thing to make soccer more interesting: If someone talks about it, threaten to revoke High Praise.
Let’s see, how to make soccer more interesting…
Elongate the ball with a near point at each end, change the color to brown.
Put pads and helmets on the players.
Restrict the amount of kicking to certain situations.
Give players the ability to throw and catch or run with the ball.
Ditch the goalie and raise the goal.
Change the scoring system to something more intricate.
Allow more frequent substitutions.
Make it more difficult to advance the ball and reward the team on offense for advancing it a certain distance.
Only play it on Sundays, Mondays and holidays.
Or, what @Hippie punchomatic 5000 said… Dangit.
@Genghis Khen But you did find the critical one that I missed “Only play it on Sundays, Mondays and holidays.”
Three words…nude women’s soccer! Nude women’s soccer would make it more interesting. I wouldn’t care much for nude men’s soccer, although it might play well in certain parts of the country…like San Francisco for instance. However nude women’s soccer would be an instant attention getter…guaranteed to garner high ratings. As everyone knows high ratings is allot like HIGH PRAISE…only it pays better.
How to make soccer more interesting…
Change the pitch -FIFA already sanctions a men’s beach soccer world cup.
Just do the same for the Women, with a uniform tweak.
(insert your own beach volleyball picture here,
when I did a quick search for one and I was too embarrassed)
Actually, I find it interesting, yeah it’s low scoring, but so is auto racing-
you wait 4 hours for 1 person to cross the goalline when it counts.
Make the field the size of a basketball court, use a smaller net facing up and let them use their hands. Also prettier socks. Otherwise they really should stop calling it soccer.
Marko, just remember that “a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Frank seems to be ruled by his stomach. I’ll wager SarahK. knows this all too well by now.
So, in order to win more High Praise from Frank (no offense, Basil), talk more about food. See, that’s what I’ve been doing!! I talk about gardening a lot: potatoes, cabbage (Sauerkraut!), broccoli, spinach, beans, boysenberries, apples, strawberries (bad raccoon!), etc.
Strange, though, I’m not winning any High Praise from Frank doing this. Okay, never mind. He’s part Belgian/French – that’ll do it.
That 3D printer seems a tad better than the one we used at my school in 2005. Ours definitely wasn’t accurate to 40 microns. Well, we didn’t have a scanner either. And wasn’t hard enough to use as a tool…or a forward-swept wing model for the wind tunnel, even when coated with extra resin to make it stronger.
Use genetically engineered cyborg dinosaurs with mounted lasers with jockeys armed with bat’leths , the ball has a random chance of exploding at any time, and the victors get to eat the losers. And play it on Saturdays, Sundays and holidays
The only real way to make soccer remotely interesting is to give the catcher (or is that goalie, I don’t pay attention) one those shot guns that fire TASER cartridges. And make the team a bunch of smelly hippies. Now THAT I would watch.
That 36D copier is lame. I won’t be happy until we pop in some of Ronald Reagan’s DNA and make an army of proper conservative leaders to storm GOP headquarters and DC and make things right.
Bantha surely changed his name by now yet still he receives high praise. Bantha’s feats smell.
Just 73% of Palestinians?
In the Haditha, Salih Muslim book 041, number 6985, it clearly states that
Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: The last hour would not come unless the Muslims will fight against the Jews and the Muslims would kill them until the Jews would hide themselves behind a stone or a tree and a stone or a tree would say: Muslim, or the servant of Allah, there is a Jew behind me; come and kill him; but the tree Gharqad would not say, for it is the tree of the Jews.
Did the other 27% somehow miss that part?
——————————————————————————–
There are many, many things wrong with soccer; but with enough changes it could be turned into something truly spectacular.
Problem #1 is the stakes are not high enough. Nobody cares about who wins a soccer match. So it should be changed into a life or death competition where the team that kills off all of the other team first wins.
Problem #2 is the goofy countries that are involved. We just beat Brazil… Yay? If Japan can defeat the U.S. in an athletic competition is it even a real sport, or is it more like ping-pong? Scrap the current teams and use condemned criminals and terrorists instead. They should be referred to as Gladiators. Since we don’t want criminals or terrorists surviving it would be best if the opposing side consisted of Giant Killer Robots and Dinosaurs with Rocket Launchers riding Sharks.
Problem #3 is that all you need to play soccer is a ball and some open space. It should require a wide variety of weapons, complex obstacles and booby traps. Like all real sports, it should be too expensive for 3rd world countries.
Problem #4 is the odd times the matches start. I don’t care if the match is in Armenia, it should start at 9pm Eastern Time on weeknights or afternoons/evenings on weekends.
Problem #5 is that you can’t use your hands. Hands should either be cut off, bound with chains or filled with weapons.
Problem #6 is what they call the sport (“soccer” or “futbol”). It should be renamed “The Games”
Problem #7 is where it’s played. Is it a stadium or a field? They all need to be renamed Colosseums.
Problem #8 is the lack of fan involvement. A random fan should be given a sniper rifle. There should also be a remote control sniper rifle for some likely fan to be able to play from his computer at home.
Problem #9 is vuvuzelas. Anyone caught with a vuvuzela should automatically be thrown into the pit of the colosseum to be put to death as a gladiator.
Problem #10 is the food. What food do you associate with soccer? Peanuts, Cracker Jacks, hot dogs? Soccer needs a semi-official food! I suggest cheese curds and steak.
“I’m going down to the Colosseum to watch The Games on a Friday night. The Underwear Bomber and Casey Anthony are going to fight as Gladiators against Giant Killer Robots. I told my daughter she could have all the cheese curds she wants. I hope I win the sniper rifle this time. I hid a vuvuzela in my mother-in-law’s purse for some extra entertainment. Soccer is awesome.”
I don’t know what Sarah makes, but according to what I’ve seen here, Jimbo me Paddy Pal, Frank only eats “food” from McDonald’s and the like. I despise McDonald’s more than Chesty despised the Army.
But I’ll give it a try.
Frank, if you give me high praise I’ll give you a delicious burger made from a cow that never saw grass in its life. The roll will be filled with delicious fake preservatives and high-fructose corn syrup. The tomatoes will be so bad not even an Irishman would eat it. The french fries were cooked in a Louisiana salt mine. Enjoy!
Mount 3D cameras in the ball
360° viewing from ball available
Substitution means the person you substitute onscreen for an actual player
Attire options onscreen
How to make soccer more interesting? Play it naked! Duh.
I have a dream wherein Milton Friedman speaks to Barack Obama. The ending is very accurate: Obama’s head explodes like in Scanners.
Random thought: Today, at a Giant, I got to shake hands with a gentleman who was with Charlie Company, 1st Btn., 5th Marines at the Chosin Reservoir. It made my day seeing the pride in his face.
Honor such men with your deeds, my friends, and the Democratic Party will, as the gospel song says, grow strangely dim!
I would make soccer more interesting by tying all the players to metal poles that allow them to hang above the arena just high enough to where there feet don’t touch the ground. Then you inter-space them appropriately for an even mach up put the ball in the middle and get a group of drunk college students to move the poles around so the players can hit the ball into the opposing teams goal. So basically make it Giant Foosball which is much more American and interesting.
By the way, the worst President in American history was Wilson or Lyndon Johnson. I can’t decide between the two. Wilson, at the least, fought to win in Europe, unlike Johnson in Vietnam. Both were essentially socialist stooges who hated the laws of this land, and also rather racist.
The worst President of the 19th century was a Democrat. Buchanan, Jackson, or Polk. Take your pick.
Marko met a giant at a Giant!
The easiest way to make soccer more interesting?
Land mines.
Re 25
The company he kept as a member of Charlie company- scroll down to MOH winner Moreland, Whitt L.
Play it on Ice with a puck. give everyone skates and sticks. Electrify the Goalposts. hire a mascot and arm it with a gun that fires donut holes.
I am OK with the naked Idea at least for the “Women with future back problems” team.
Dangit, Rick. That was going to be my submission.
How about for every minute your team goes without scoring, a random fan gets a free kick to the “jimmies” of the team’s players.
Scoring would certainly pick up and the bad would get punished. Heck, you wouldn’t mind a scoreless game if you know you could kick someone in the stones.
For women’s soccer, every minute scoreless results in a minute-long kiss for a random fan. Attendence is up, fans are ok with 0-0 games, and you run the possibility of girls neckin’.
Looks like you all need to walk through my garden of AWESOMENESS in order to get some HIGH PRAISE – plenty of room, come and join me.
How to fix soccer? Hippie punchomatic 5000 is on the right track, but that path leads to downs and yards and huddles and a bunch of other stuff that isn’t people hitting each other. So I propose the following changes to soccer.
No more flopping. In fact, body slamming the other team should be encouraged. I’d go so far as to suggest walls be built around the playing field so that players may crush their opponents right up against them.
The goal on a soccer field is to large. Real athletes should be able to score in a much smaller goal.
No running around on the grass in sissy shorts. In fact, make them play in the cold. On ice.
Replace the ball with something that works better on ice. Like a rubber puck.
Still not badass enough? Attach razor-sharp blades to the players feet. And since kicking a puck around is tough with blades on your feet, give the players a stick to hit the puck with. And each other when the refs aren’t looking.
Each team gets a motorcycle. Or a kill-bot. Their choice.
Ball has a timer and randomly explodes.
Field is in the shape of a giant bowl, with the midfield at the bottom and goals uphill. Sissyphian action!
During overtime players have to link up in pairs like in a “three-legged race”
All players are blindfolded (better yet, play at night with no stadium lighting).
Goalies are armed with water cannons.
How to make soccer more interestinggzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
They put barry osama on the 3D printer and all that came out was a hollow tube that resembled jo-jo biden.
Ron Paul!!!11! has more stones than the so called republicans.
Why are we negotiating with osama, tell him he must not spend more than half of what we take in, and leave it at that. No increase, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
@ Bantha_Fodder – thanks, I’d love to spend some time in your garden! Let me grab a newspaper and I’ll be right over.
I won’t worry about 3-d printers until they start reproducing themselves. Then we are in trouble.
Make soccer more interesting? Mount the players on dinosaurs with rocket launchers, could also pass as military training.
How to make soccer more exciting? Instead of a ball, use the head of your enemy.
Install a JumboTron in all soccer stadiums. Show football highlights or live games during the soccer…game…match…whatever.
“How to make soccer more exciting? Instead of a ball, use the head of your enemy.”
“The Man Who Would Be King” reference?
You’re well read for a peasant.
@FormerHostage, That’s one of the things that liberals despise most about conservatives…we know how to read…and that’s why we’re conservatives.
Soccer with Thunderdome Seating
Former Hostage (#39) is onto something. The ancient Mayans — just one of many peace loving native American peoples — played a similar, but brutally violent game with a human head. The losing team was sacrificed to the gods. This discouraged slacking, which is to say that the Mayans had quite a different meaning for the term “flopping.”
Burma,
My favorite history teacher was the one who talked about the idea of ancient Indians being entirely peaceful and not at all wasteful by asking us to consider the fate of the buffalo all at the bottom of the massive pile of dead buffalo that had been forced off of a cliff.
Good times.
But I guess the buzzards and worms have to eat too.
Worst president ever, Lincoln. Increased federal power at the point of a gun.
Any sport that decides world championships on penalty kicks is pathetic and cannot be made more interesting.
I too thought of replacing the soccer ball … but instead of a lifeless enemy head, use a live face-eating badger. Those at the highest level of the sport would indeed be nimble in addition to bearing the scars of sacrifice needed to attain elite status in the sport.
He meant, 80% of his voters wanted tax increases since 90% of them don’t work.
Soccer would be more interesting if it became extinct, like dinosaurs with balls.
Those 3D printers are pretty awesome! The new extra strength resin looks cool, too. (the plaster with regular resin is almost as brittle as a graham cracker) The only thing the video fails to mention is that a wrench of that size is likely $100+ worth of Z-Corp powder, especially if you add color to it. In outer space, I think you’d want to only use it in emergency situations. (e.g. if one of your original Star Wars action figures was broken)
Make soccer more interesting? That’s easy! Give everyone long jagged sticks, make the ball smaller, attach sharp blades to each player’s shoes, and cover the field in ice.
How about we give them shoulder pads, fishing net/tennis raquet combos, make them play with a small cement filled ball, and a net thats just about the same size as the goalie. .
Combine soccer with dodge ball.
Every player carries a dodge ball at the beginning of play.
You can’t touch the soccer ball with your hands, but you can hit it or deflect it with a dodge ball.
You can also use your dodge ball to deflect other dodge balls.
If you get hit with a dodge ball, you have to leave the field until someone on your team scores a goal.
If you catch a dodge ball, the guy who threw it is out.
The goalie can use his hands to catch or block the soccer ball or a dodge ball, so throw a dodge ball at him at the same time you kick the soccer ball towards the goal.
Any dodge ball that goes out of bounds stays out of play until a goal is scored.
Game continues until 21 goals are scored or until all players on one team are eliminated.
Like those savage Mayans, the dodge balls should be made from 10 lbs of raw rubber (or the heads of a slain enemy.)
No matter how much you hate or love soccer, the only way to make it more interesting is to have Bantha_Fodder tell us what Frank thinks about it.
We could make the ball a pinata, and it would have keys in it. So, by the time it breaks people will be pretty bored, and then you could jingle the keys in front of them and they would look at the TV again.
Easy. Soccer as in Sucker will be more interesting when a Football team like the NY Giants comes running out on the field and tackles the sucker players.
MXYMASTER – Yea…K!
Soccer again? Really? Woman’s soccer? Ok, titty twister while kicking a goal adds .5 point! That would like be excellent!
first to make soccer better let them use their hands, 2nd make the all wear helmets and pads, 3rd replace the round ball with a more egg shaped ball 4th replace the goals with some type of posts 5th make the field at least 100 yards and finally just call it football!!
….And finally, if I’m going to be killed at a concert please , not a Cheap Trick concert for God’s sake!
dohtimes – now we have MXYMASTER in the same mix! Two extra super duper butt kissers. One for each cheeck! I’ll bet they even give Frank’s butt a little tongue!
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Actually, it’s not murder the Palestinians, I.e. Arabs in Israel, are condoning, it’s genocide.
DamnCat – come on in, cats are great for gardens, they fertilize while eating slugs and other undesireables – All are welcome in my garden of AWESOMENESS
ussjimmy – you need to deal with your closetted homo-erotic desires – awfull lot of assplay in your posts… hmmm
I don’t think that 3-D copier would work in space unless they did a major redesign to deal with the zero-gravity. But since it is a sort of Beta-version replicator, maybe they’ve got some egg-head in a back room working on a artificial gravity machine as well. Then all they’ll need is a warp-drive, deflector shields, teleporters, phasers, and a limitless supply of nameless schlubs in red shirts! “This planet could be dangerous, men! Ensign Noluck, you go first!”