* Wow, big stock market drop yesterday. That’s a few days in a row now, and combined with the credit downgrade, financially the U.S. is not doing… well… smurfy.

But don’t worry: Obama decided to give another speech yesterday! Here’s a partial transcript:

“Let me be clear: I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I’m much more scared and confused by all of this than any of you. The reason I keep giving these speeches is because I just want other people to be around so I don’t feel so frightened and alone. I don’t know why bad things are happening, I just wish it would stop and that people would stop yelling at me. And does anyone know what an economy is and how to fix it? I asked Geithner that, but the only thing he seems to know how to do is steal boxes of pens.”

After Obama’s speech, the market dropped 634 points, but Obama said it would have dropped 2,000 points, so he saved or created a whole 1,366 points for the Dow with his intense talking action.

You’re welcome!

* Seriously, though, why does Obama keep giving these speeches? He has absolutely nothing useful to say, so the only purpose of the speeches seem to be to confirm his uselessness. We got it by now, Obama: You’re useless. Stop talking.

* Rick Perry is supposed to finally announce his intentions to run for president on Saturday. This will give us a stark contrast because we’ll have Rick Perry who oversaw the creation of jobs and got his state’s credit rating upgraded versus Barack Obama who is black.

…Well, that’s how they’re going to play it, people. What exactly do they have left to argue for Obama’s election other than accusations of racism? What exactly has Obama done that people would like another four years of? It’s going to be an extra ugly election because liberals will feel like it’s their dying last gasp.

If only it was.

* So there are riots in London. About what, no one seems to know for sure. Maybe it was over soggy crumpets… or are crumpets supposed to be soggy? No one but the British know what a crumpet is. Anyway, so “youths” are rioting and burning and stealing stuff and texting — kids loves texting… and looting — to keep ahead of the police, and it’s total chaos. And it’s looking really bad for London who is hosting the Olympics in 2012, because the Olympic committee specifically told them, “If you’re going to host the Olympics, make sure your city isn’t on fire. We don’t like fire. Also, make sure you don’t have total anarchy. Total anarchy with broken windows and overturned cars really distracts from the festivities. And finally: Please bribe us.”

Londoners need to toughen up and just round up all those rioting youths and send them to their prison colony in Australia… but not the good part of Australia where they cook you steak and bloomin’ onions, but instead the bad part with the alligators and poisonous snakes. Crikey!

* They joke that the lottery is supposed to be a tax on people bad at math, but this one woman who has won four multi-million dollar lotteries has been revealed to have a PhD in statistics. Know what I’m thinking? That’s right: We’ve found our new Treasury Secretary.

* New tapes reveal that Jackie O believed that LBJ and a cabal of Texas tycoons were behind her husband’s death. Before you dismiss that as conspiracy silliness, watch the video again of JFK’s death. It really doesn’t look like he died of natural causes.

* Often as I’ve played videogames, I’ve wondered if scientists would tell me why I like playing videogames. Well, Science! to the rescue! Quoth the scientist: “The attraction to playing videogames and what makes them fun is that it gives people the chance to think about a role they would ideally like to take and then get a chance to play that role.” So the reason you play Tetris is because you always wanted to be a block made of four segments. And I can see why, because those blocks all fit together. But in real life, you never seem to fit in. That’s why you want to be like those blocks. But remember, when those blocks all fit together, they disappear. The only way they remain is when they don’t fit — when there is a hole in them. See, that’s what you are: You’re that hole that we can’t fill that keeps us all from disappearing. So feel good about yourself. And play some Angry Birds for a change.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Remember the good old days when George W. Bush was the worst president ever?” –James Taranto