* Obama has a new jobs plan he says he thinks could add up to one million new jobs. When asked why didn’t he unveil this plan sooner then, Obama said, “Because I didn’t think people could handle that many awesome jobs.” And when asked if these would be those invisible type jobs where he says he added them but the unemployment rate doesn’t go down, Obama said, “Hey! Some people would be happy for magic jobs!”

When Obama calls presses conferences to announce stuff, the reporters need to just stop showing up. We really have to stop encouraging him.

* Rick Perry is already responding to the dumb charges against him of being dumb with the obvious response: Pointing to Obama and his performance with the economy and wondering if that’s supposed to be the benchmark for smart. Do people really think the vague charges of dumb are going to work against a Republican when there is stark evidence of dumb for Obama?

“Wow, that Republican is a drooling moron.”

“Well, I believe he had a spike that went through his head and took out a quarter of his brain.”

“He’s barely coherent.”

“Yeah, I even saw him trying to eat a book.”

“He should be at least ten times better a president than Obama, though.”

“Oh, yes; indisputably.”

* So Canada is getting oil from tar sands. I don’t know what that means, but it’s got a lot of protesters so it must be extremely useful to society while being fairly innocuous to the environment. And the Canadians are striking back in an ad campaign, pointing out that if we get oil from Saudi Arabia, we fund oppression of women, but if we get oil from Canadian tar sands, all we fund is weird hockey obsessions. So there’s the choice: Do we help stop oppression of people by moving away from Saudi oil or do we stop… whatever bad thing whiny actors think getting oil from the tar sands is supposed to cause. I’m going to vote we do the thing that helps people. And gives us more oil.

* BTW, Vice President Biden has said that failing to invest in clean-energy technology would be “the biggest mistake this nation has made in its entire history”. Hmm… can you think of any other big mistake in American history? Martin Luther King, can you think of anything? No, I guess we’ve got a pretty good record, so not working on clean-energy would certainly be our biggest mistake.

Rick Perry sure is dumb.

* So some supposed election expert is predicting Obama has the election in the bag. Apparently, he’s predicted every election since 1984 using his formula. He has thirteen keys, and if a candidate gets six of them, that candidate wins. It’s really stupid. For one thing, every keys is equal, so huge unemployment, huge debt, and the S&P downgrade are just one strike against Obama of equal weight to him not being contested in his own primary. And for some reason he wins the key “Major domestic-policy changes in his first term” despite everyone hating all his major policies.

Now, I don’t usually try to do political predictions because I consider that witchcraft, but maybe I’ll make my own list of keys. A candidate needs to score well on these to ensure reelection:

– Doesn’t keep interrupting prime time TV to say nothing of interest to anyone.

– Has at least some idea what he’s doing.

– Doesn’t spend half the day with a bucket stuck on his head.

– Can pronounce “corpsman”.

– Doesn’t keep claiming to pivot to jobs eighty times while doing nothing useful.

– Doesn’t have giant Dumbo ears.

Ooh. Not looking so good for Obama on these points. Science!

* The Navy is working on a new stealth boat. I e-mailed Aquaman for comment, and here’s his response:

Bah! I mock and deride their “stealth” boat. No matter what people do to try and hide, my fish friends will find you and tell me about you. And then I’ll call the appropriate authority to handle you, as boats aren’t really my thing. I deal with things underwater, not above water. Though I also don’t deal with submarines; I consider those like an embassy of above waterness, so they’re also out of my purview. But if an octopus is robbing someone, I’m there.

That’s what I think of the Navy’s stealth boat.

* So the federal government is going after a guy who shot and killed a grizzly bear to protect his family. The state officials — and anyone who isn’t a heartless bureaucrat — thought the shooting was completely justified; you know a bear — on someone’s property near children — that’s the sort of thing a sensible person shoots. But the federal government, so concerned for our safety and wisely spending our money, has decided to pursue this case so society doesn’t break out into a fit of bear-murder. So, the Obama administration is not going to worry about illegal immigrants, but try and protect your family from a wild animal and they’re all over stopping that.

Never trusted bears, anyway. Their diet is mainly berries and fish, and yet they’re these giant killing machines. What is up with that? And am I now going to get a knock on my door from the feds for asking these questions? They’re not on our side; they’re on the side of the bears.