* Paul Ryan has said he’s not running for president, so for all of you who thought Ryan was going to ride to the rescue and cut this nation’s spending, that’s not going to happen. I still kind of expect some more people to jump in the race, though, just by the virtue of the fact that polling is now saying pretty much anyone could beat Obama (even RON PAUL!!). If you can claw your way through the primary, the only thing left standing between you and the presidency is president job-destroyer. If I were the Republican candidate, I’d spend my whole first debate with Obama just pointing and laughing.

* But Obama will fix things before November 2012 because he’s working on… wait for it… a new jobs plan! Actually, it’s been downgraded to a jobs outline. So not a whole plan; just an outline. So it will look something like this:

A. Introduction
1. Jobs are important
2. Government can help make jobs
B. Jobs Ideas
1. Spend lots of money
2. [Idea 2 goes here]
3. [Idea 3 goes here]
C. Conclusion
1. Re-elect Obama

* Good news: Vice President Biden is not going to second-guess China’s one child policy in which they have mass-sterilizations and forced abortions. So if you were fearing some basic moral clarity interfering with Biden’s visit to China, don’t worry — it’s not going to happen. Usually Biden is pretty gaffe-prone, but in China he’s going to be on his best behavior and watch every word he says. Yay.

* Obama has figured out why he’s so unpopular: Congress. That’s an interesting theory. Know what my theory is? Rogue unicorns. Unicorns have turned against Obama and now he can’t sustain his popularity without his rainbow magic.

Or, there’s the outlandish theory that Obama is just a horrible president and it’s obvious to everyone. But going by Occam’s razor, it’s most likely rogue unicorns.

* It’s looking like no one is going to to primary Obama now that Russ Feingold a few days ago said he wouldn’t. Here’s a question, though: Would Obama have a primary challenge if he were white? It’s hard to see how he wouldn’t with how horrible he’s been and how bad he’s polling against every challenger. But if Obama got primaried, it would anger the blacks who vote overwhelmingly Democrat, and Democrats can’t survive without them. So racism gets Obama in play.

BTW, there is now a Martin Luther King memorial on the National Mall. If we only listened to MLK’s advice to judge people not “by the color of their skin but by the content of their character” we never would have been stuck in this Obama mess.

* You may have thought this recession thing was just an earth-based phenomenon, but it’s now affecting the whole universe. Scientists have found that galaxies are now running out of gas and thus fewer and fewer stars are being made. Don’t worry, though: Obama is making a new star-creation program. You may say, “But U.S. presidents can’t make stars.” Yes, but they can’t make jobs either but that’s never stopped Obama from trying.

* In other science news, scientists think they’ve found a really old fossil. The oldest fossil, in fact — 3.4 billion years. Apparently, unbeknownst to non-scientists, there’s been a big war over who has the oldest fossil. Hundreds have died. Mainly from old age.

Anyway, one guy is like, “I have the oldest fossil!” And another is like, “No, that’s just a random cluster of chemicals; this is the oldest fossil of a one-celled organism!” And it’s just goes on and on like that, but it’s very important to find out what is really the oldest fossil because whoever discovered it gets half-off at the science gift shop. They sell ant farms there.

* Wisdom of the Day: “If we raised taxes on the top 1% to 100% of their income, we’d still have a $500 billion deficit.” –PoliticalMath