* Liberals seemed to have settled on one description of people who want the government to spend less than it takes in: Terrorists. Perhaps Obama has a special speech ready for the 10th anniversary of 9/11: “While what happened ten years ago wasn’t… well… optimal, we have to remember that the real terrorists are people who impose the rules of basic math on the rest of us.”
How did we let something of such basic common sense — that one’s budget should add up — become such a radical, progressive notion? And it’s so basic, it’s hard to explain to liberals why it’s important because it’s such a truism. Do we have to explain to liberals why rape is wrong (oh yeah, Roman Polanski) or why murder is wrong (oh yeah, Ted Kennedy)? I don’t even know where to start with a liberal who doesn’t think we should spend less than we take in; I guess you start with explaining why negative numbers are bad.
ME: “See, you now have negative three apples. That means when you finally get three more apples, I’ll also take those away.”
LIBERAL: “Terrorist!”
ME: “Now I’ll give you positive three punches to the face. Count them out loud.”
* I hate hearing people in the government — especially Obama — say they have a solution for creating jobs. If they knew how to create jobs, they’d be in the private sector and not in government. Here’s my jobs plan for the government: We hand Obama an iPad loaded with Angry Birds and say, “You’re not to do anything else until you get three stars on every level.” That’ll keep him out of our hair for a while. If the country is to recover, we need to get Obama to stick to the golf course.
* So it looks like the U.S. gets to keep its AAA debt rating a while longer. Moody’s was all worried with our out of control spending and slow growth, but now that we have still out of control spending but slightly less than before, everything is good for now. I almost kind of want us to lose our rating, though; that will give us something to work for. Balance the budget, and then we can get to AAA again. As we’ve learned, Democrats only respond to al Qaeda-like terrorist threats such as “You no longer get a blank checkbook.”
* Self-identification of conservatives is at an all time high, with more people saying they are conservative than say they are moderate and almost twice as many people saying they are conservative than saying they are liberals. I know liberals are hoping this whole “we have to control spending” thing is just some terrorist fad, but it’s starting to look like it has the makings of a permanent movement, which is probably why we’re seeing the people whose time has passed lashing out so hysterically. There’s already a new status quo on the raising the debt ceiling, and we should expect the next time it comes up — whether with a Democrat or Republican president — to be an interesting time. The only thing is making the hard cuts in entitlements. That will be painful thing, but it would help if the liberals act so hysterical and condescending that hatred of them trumps the short term pain. I think they can manage it. Thanks, guys, we couldn’t get anywhere without you.
* Looks like the FBI has figured out who D.B. Cooper is from that unsolved plane hijacking from 1971. So for those saying the country is making no progress, there you go.
* When I posted about the countries that like America most yesterday, I didn’t realize this but a commenter pointed it out: The country that likes us the most is the one we once nuked. So that’s a lesson for you: If you stand up to a country, they’ll eventually respect you for it.
Hey, we’re pretty unpopular in the Middle East; what could we do to turn that around?
Hey! I’m kidding!
Maybe.
* It’s looking like the days of $50-$60 video games are coming to an end. It seems like video games have always cost $50 new all the way back to NES, but in the recent PS3 and XBox 360 generation that’s gone up to $60 (and sometimes with the PC release too). I’ve yet to pay that for a video game because that just seems insane to me (and I rarely pay the $50 — I’m old; I can wait for a price drop). But now that’s all competing with the iPhone and iPad, where a game has to be pretty special to ask for more than $5. So the new strategy may be to have a small price up front (or be free) and then slow bleed you on extra content ($5 here and $3 there until you get to real money). That’s capitalism; always changing stuff. Do you know of any other economic system that results in cheaper video games? No, because all the others are evil.
* Here’s a number of clips from RiffTrax celebrating their five year anniversary:
I love RiffTrax, and if you don’t, I hate you.
* Wisdom of the Day: “So we’re terrorists for ‘holding the country hostage’? Okay, then: For what you’re doing to future generations, you are pedophiles. Own it.” –Jim Treacher
RiffTrax is great, but it’s simply not the same without those cardboard cutouts.
Maybe if I made my own.
Where can I sign up for the “Give the President an iPad for his birthday!” fund?
As the left is so fond of pointing out…one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter.
Jim Treacher scores again. Of course, so do you, Frank. Aw ;shucks.
You can’t hate me because I’ve always done my own RiffTrax-like commentary to stupid movies. Just ask my sons. “Dad, SHUT UP!”
Book writing auntie claims he lived until ’99. Let us walk down the path of the obvious. He was not a paratrooper (confirmed by the fact that he turned down a steerable sport parachute). So mister smarty pants jumps into mountainous, forested wilderness at night. Without a location fix. Without a steerable parachute. Without survival gear. Without a clue.
Later some of his cash turns up along the banks of rivers. Wild-ass-guess: He paratrooped himself into a lake or river. Mr. Occam says he went splat and then fishies ate him up. Num, num, num.
Bottom line: The country isn’t making any progress. The obvious is still the last thing considered, if at all.
Personally, I kind of like the liberal name-calling. They are one temper tantrum away from Harry Reid screaming, “YOU ALL HAVE COOTIES! I’M TAKING MY BALL BACK AND YOU CAN’T PLAY ANYMORE!”
Part of me really, really hopes that Kelly Ayotte takes the floor and says, “I’m rubber you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.”
Frank, I too miss Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo. RiffTrax is a weak substitute. Does this mean you’ll hate me forever? Am I a jerk in any sense of the word? Most importantly, am I free from earning High Praise forever?
@Jimmy: I’m worse. I have read so many murder mysteries that I can usually identify the “surprise twist” murderer half-way through the movie, assuming he or she has even been introduced by that point.
“That’s the guy, he did it.”
“What, why? He has nothing to do with anything.”
“Exactly. There is no reason for him to have had so much screen-time unless he is going to be the murderer.” The peripheral character with too much screen-time and character development for his otherwise minor role in events – Guilty!
Also, I pick on physical and logical impossibilities in all movies. “Mom, it’s a MOVIE. It isn’t supposed to be real.” (Even better, “Mom, it’s a CARTOON. The animals talk and drive and have jobs. Why do you care that it isn’t ‘realistic’ for the citizens of Bikini Bottom to ‘drive’ boats, on roads, on the bottom of the ocean? Or that they have underwater beaches and life guards and worry about drowning? IT’S A CARTOON!!!”) (Seriously, the SpongeBob universe makes me crazy.)
I like RiffTrax the first time when it was called Mystery Science Theater 3000. Just sayin’.
And that should put me permanently out of range of any High Praise!
Don’t worry, Burma and Carolyn, I’m with you.
P.S. Burma, could a Screaming Eagle with experience from the morning of D-Day and the summer jump around Eindhoven survive in a forested (Italics! Trees don’t like parachutists!) wilderness that has many rivers and lakes? And with no location fix, no gear, no idea? My guess is that the answer is no.
Has anyone else noticed that DamnCat has been lying low ever since the DB Cooper case started heating up?
Just Sayin
Do cats parachute? They’d make good ones. Except if they got caught in a tree and had to call the fire department.
D. B. Cooper…hmmm so that is how Obama stashed the nation’s wealth. He parachuted out of Air Force 1 with it in a suitcaee. Oh, never mind, that would take guts. Pardon me.
Terrorisim occurs in my household all the time when my brillaint wife balances the check book.
Liberals are mad not because we are trying to impose math on them, but because they believe we are LYING about the math. The money is there! Tax breaks and loopholes are the cause of the budget deficit – I just read that this morning at what I had assumed to be a neutral humor site. The commenter bemoaned the stupidity of American voters as reflected in the 2010 elections – and then said again, yes, I meant 2010. They really, truly do not understand the math. Confiscating everything the rich own and “redistributing” it will not make a dent in the deficit. They genuinely do not understand that. Have you seen the spittle-flying ravings of Michael Moore? The money is there! There is plenty of money to pay for everything! The rich (himself included, of course) are unfairly being allowed to keep it!
For the federal debt commission, or what ever they want to call it; I would like to nominate, Fred Thompson, Neil Bortz, and Rush Limbaugh.
For the Democrats they can have Gerry Studds, Ted Kennedy, and Robert Byrd. Democrats do not mind dead voters so why not dead legislators?
I bet they could find a few Trillion Dollars to cut.
Math skills no longer matter, silly! It’s how one feels about one’s self. Now Johnny, take off your nice shinny new bike helmet, elbow pads and knee pads (Johnny will need these later in life) 4 + 4 = ? Johnny “umm, like 6 or something?” “Very good Johnny, you should feel really proud of yourself!” “You are so special!”
That right there my friends is a Democrat in the making!
Hey, they arrested a guy for trying to split atoms in his house! Now THAT is awesome! Not sure how he was shooting them at each other but will need to read the article. Sounds like an awesome hobby!!!
Oh, quit being such nudges about MST 3000 and just enjoy Teh Funneh.
The bad news is that the “Spock, Spock, Spock” part had me literally laugh out loud.
Not good, considering where I work.
Has Harry Reid become too senile in his old age to continue as the Senate Majority Leader? Fig trees, pomegranates, roses, cowboy poetry, recapping college football games for the full Senate, claiming the GM bailout saved Ford, confusion when casting votes, thinking Robert Byrd and Ted Kennedy are still living; he’s always seemed a bit confused but something else seems to be going on now. Maybe it’s time for him to assume the roll of his hero Robert Byrd and become the token ornery old man of the senate that everyone ignores.
CarolynthePregnant…Yup! You are pretty much out of the running for High Praise! Welcome to the world of Sticking it to the MAN!!! It’s more fun down here and we don’t know the taste of rump! Nor shall we ever!!! I think that’s like our motto or something…We are not rump rangers!!!
Rump rangers? Is that like an airborne ranger?
Maybe we should invent our own version of High Praise! It could be like points awarded in ‘Whose Line is it Anyway?’ perhaps? That might help my inferiority complex.
Sing it with me ussjimmy:
Blame it all on these roots:
Bantha kissed Frank’s caboose
and ruined our good time affair
The last ones to post
We liked our words most
We were the ones treated mostly unfair
Should’ve seen the suprise
And the tears in my eyes
As Bantha won High Praise! again
I toasted Frank, though his High Praise! stank
then my refrain began…..
I got friends in looooow places
Where there’s no high praise!
but there’s happy faces
‘cuz we don’t care
and won’t kiss derriere
Yeah we’re not big on social graces
But we won’t hang out in Dem places
Cuz they’ve got friends
in even lower places
#21 It’s gotta good beat and you can dance to it …I give it a ten.
@ hwuu – cats are too sensible (and lazy) to jump out of airplanes.
I’m on vacation this week – so you’ll be seeing less of me for a while. You’re welcome, Marko.
I’m in love with pregnant women who sing their own lyrics!
I was gonna say The Cat must be on vacation. The other question is: WHERE’S BASIL? (prolly vacation too – it’s August, that when the French disappear for a month also. Hmmmm.)
I think it would be hilarious if China called Obama in the middle of the night and said they weren’t going to lend us anymore money until we balanced our budget. In fact if China did that I may stop hating them.
Hey I just heard Obama going to do a BUS TOUR with a jobs creation theme. Wow now there’s a job saved and created. Tax breaks to create jobs? Heck no, just fire up the presidental Blue Bird and watch the jobs matteralize.
#3 – zzyzx,
IWITOT! (I wish I’d thought of that) 🙂
CarolynthePregnant…that was just awesome! That was too good for this blog! That was like Iowahawk good! See FrankJ asked his readers to “step it up” and I’ll bet you never get a nod from “The Man”…
Excellent writing, however!!!
(continuation of conversation)
LIBERAL: ‘But that’s OK, right, because I can take someone else’s three apples, and promise to ‘pay’ them back, right? (snicker)’
Carolyn’s envy of those of us who have won HIGH PRAISE@!!!!!!!1!1!!!! is very sad. We Praisies (as we are known) shower you with our tears of pity.
MSK3000 and RiffTrax are good. They’re hit and miss with the comments. But once in a while, usually during a very long, quiet, dignified scene they’ll eke out an original gut buster. Those are my favorites.
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