Archive of entries posted on August 2012

A Moment With Joe Biden: Contraceptives

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[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden.

BIDEN: …and it’s really just that simple. If you want to maintain free access to safe, clean, contraceptives, you need to get out on Election Day, and bring all your friends too, and make sure that Barack and I can keep working to fix this mess that George Bush left us with. Ya know, my dad used to tell me what it was like when he was a kid. He’d say, “Joey,” ’cause that’s what he called me… “Joey, it used to be a whole lot tougher back in my day.” He’d say, “You’d meet up with a local girl, a pretty little gal that wanted to… we used to call them ‘party girls’ back then. But, anyway, you’d find a place like the alley behind the trash bins, ’cause you couldn’t afford a hotel, times were tough. And you’d have to take your chances. If that girl got pregnant, then by gosh you’d have to pack up all your stuff and leave town in the dead of night, and it wasn’t pretty. And so, don’t ever forget how lucky you’ve got it today, Joey. Don’t ever let this country go back to those awful days when an honest, hardworking, respectable guy was forced to give up his wife and kids and leave his family behind in order to escape having to take responsibility for his teenage mistress’s unwanted pregnancy, just because he didn’t have access to free, reliable contraceptives.” And, my dad’s words are as true today as they were back then, and that’s what makes America great…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

Companies Are About Profit?!!

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Here’s a disturbing statement from Obama:

Romney worked at a BUSINESS that was about creating PROFIT?!!!!

So, really, does Obama have absolutely no idea how the private sector works? He is really this divorced from the businesses we interact with every day?

Well, Obama, have you been about creating jobs? How has that worked out for you? Maybe you should at least have the vaguest clue how capitalism works before you try restructuring the American economy. We really should get Obama to try running a lemonade stand outside the front of the White House. That experience would probably make his economic knowledge a thousand times better.

Federal Budget FAQ

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People seem all confused and scared about the idea of the federal government having a budget again — especially Harry Reid — so over at PJ Media I thought I’d explain everything in a new FAQ.

Since the national debt is almost $16 trillion — so big it’s essentially a made-up number — can’t we just ignore it?

This is not a good idea, as it will not continue to ignore us. Our credit was already downgraded. At some point, the world will lose confidence in the U.S. economy, and we’ll no longer be able to borrow money. This could result in a complete economic collapse.

And what happens after that?

The apes take over. They’re debt-free.

Random Thoughts: BIRTHER!!!

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I’m very secretive about my birth certificate because it shows I’m a native Californian (don’t let anyone in Idaho know!).

BREAKING: Romney has issued an apology. “It was wrong of me to point out how foreign and divorced from basic American values Obama is.”

BREAKING: Obama camp has released this response to Romney: “You didn’t say that.”

I want to go on record as not being sure of the wisdom of Romney stepping into this. That is all.

BREAKING: Response from Obama: “I won’t have a cancer-causing felon question my place of birth!”

Best response Romney camp can give to Obama outrage: “Lighten up, Francis.”

Just wish I bought stock in fainting couches.

PRO TIP: New Q-tips made especially for professional athletes.

You mean at the DNC we’ll get a SPEECH from OBAMA! Sure to be a game changer!

Women have other concerns than abortion such as contraception and being raped by non-Democrats.

Romney, now make a joke about him being a socialist!

It’s so cute some people think there is still a gun debate.

It’s just a joke. Conservatives don’t really care anymore that Obama was born in Kenya and raised a Muslim.

The main crux of the argument for the pro-gun control crowd is “Grr! Freedom scary!” and it just doesn’t work in this country.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that dog-eating weirdo was from another country.”

Hey, Romney, I double-dog dare you to use this line in your next speech: “And let’s ship his Keynesian ideas back to Kenya!”

Another good line: “And I would never question Obama’s faith. I hear he’s very devout and prays at least five times a day.”

Remember when Apple was known primarily for those Macintosh computers you only ever saw in the classroom?

When you ask a Bostonian to make a pirate around, does he just say, “Ahh!”?

So has Apple passes Microsoft now in being the evil empire?

“Daddy! DADDY!”
“What?”
“I eat potatoes!”
“And you felt the need the inform me of this?”

I don’t why a sub-two-year-old feels the need to narrate everything she does. It’s not like she sounds like Morgan Freeman.

Still, it’s the the most awesome thing ever ever that I’m somebody’s daddy.

What I learned from Buttercup today is that a squirrel is a combination kitty/monkey.

Boy is Buttercup opinionated. We had an argument over whether a chihuahua is a cat or a dog, and I did not win.

After the mean joke today, Obama, bless his heart, could really use a hug. What a special little guy.

After years of study at the Mayo Clinic, they are now releasing to human trials BACON MAYONNAISE.

I don’t get the different dry settings on a dryer. I thought dryness was a binary state.

One of the options is “damp”. Why would you put something in the dryer you still want damp? Just wring it out a little.

I’m going on vacation Wednesday evening, so tell me how the RNC went.

Proof That the Koch Brothers Are Pure Evil

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[High Praise! to American Digest]

Ok, ok… this is only proof that Charles Koch is pure evil. I mean, what sort of monster would deliberately let these words tumble past his lips?:

Repeatedly asking for government help undermines the foundations of society by destroying initiative and responsibility. It is also a fatal blow to efficiency and corrupts the political process. When everyone gets something for nothing, soon no one will have anything, because no one will be producing anything.

I Never Had This Much Imagination As a Child

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Full disclosure: for the most part, I don’t think of children as “cute”, I think of them as short, dumb, annoying adults. Like mini-Joe-Bidens.

That said, the passion, intensity, and sincerity the adult actors bring to this semi-nonsensical made-by-children story works extremely well, in my opinion.

The only thing I can compare it to is Colin & Ryan improv-ing their way through an “Improbable Mission“.


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #139,765)

About That New Day Job

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I think I mentioned recently that I got a new job that was eating up a lot of my time.

However, I didn’t mention what that job was, because I was still training with the person who was leaving the job.

As of Monday, I’ll be running the website for the Dennis Miller Radio Show.

On a personal note, I’ve been a Miller fan forever. Even back in his super-liberal SNL days. The guy’s just FUNNY.

And after his 9/11 wake-up call, I liked him even better.

Heck, I even liked him on Monday Night Football.

And now they’re throwing wads of money in my face to make Dennis look brilliant(er) on the internet.

Life is good.

Oh, and here’s a clip from last Thursday’s show: Dennis reacts to finding out I’m his new web guy.

[audio:http://www.imao.us/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Dennis-meets-Harvey.mp3]

In the future, I shall tell this story as “I made Dennis Miller laugh,” and leave out the details.

lolbama! Part 98

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Submit entries to lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From DamnCat:

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From Irritable Pundit:

From Kris:

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From Kris:

From Kris:

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From Kris:

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From Laughing Conservative:

From Mrs C:

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From Mrs C:

From James:

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From OCWriter:

From Hunter of Atomic Monkey Action Squad:

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My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Hadsil:

From tanstaafl44:

From Travelwise42:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

I’m going with Kris for “displace”, since I’m not familiar with the Addams Family movies, which I assume means no one else has seen them either.

What say you?

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.