My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) April 27, 2015

Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least): 1. Text 2. Twitter DM 3. Email 4. Phone 5. Climb through my window 6. LinkedIn

— Adam Khan (@Khanoisseur) April 28, 2015

Dr: I'm giving u a proton-pump inhibitor Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER? D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

— The Cat Whisperer (@TheCatWhisprer) April 29, 2015

[loudly so police in McDonald's can hear me] More like Baltiless. Rioting is bad. If I was in a riot I'd frickin stop immediately & go home.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 29, 2015

I have Ayn Rand quotes tattooed all over my forearms, but they're all written in elvish so it's not like, weird.

— Jamie (from before) (@Jamie1947) April 29, 2015

[God inventing the zebra] You know what'd be cool? If we had a horse that looked like the Hamburglar

— ♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) April 29, 2015

dodge ram.. dodge viper… folks are these guys trying to sell cars or just give us good advice?!

— jon hendren (@fart) April 29, 2015