(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Now that the dead and wounded have been pushed aside, I think things have settled down enough that we can get back to the safe space training.

Trump Action Figure: Vote for me or I’ll sue you.

Hillary Clinton Doll: Chelsea, get that cigar out of your mouth. You don’t know where it’s been.

Corporate HR Imam: Ok everybody, stop playing with the action figures of death. Right now. Or better yet, pass them all forward. Pass them up. Everybody. That’s right. Pass them up.

Crowd: (grumbling)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, is that all of them? It better be. If I see anyone with one, they will be banned from the goat pen.

(a dozen more action figures are anonymously hurled toward the Imam)

Corporate HR Imam: Let’s get started then. Can anyone tell me what I mean by a safe space?

Ahmed: An underground bunker that will protect us from the weapons of the infidel.

Ali: And from the mighty golem of the Jews.

Galid: Nothing can keep us safe from the golem of the Jews, my friend. That is dark, dark magic.

Corporate HR Imam: Good responses all, but that is not the kind of safe space I am talking about.

Habib: Oh I know. A room with strong air filters to protect us from the mighty flatulence of Ali.

Galid: That is true. We should just put Ali into a dirty bomb. Jerusalem would not be inhabitable again.

Ali: How many times have I told you guys, it is a condition. I can’t help it. This is the way Allah made me. You guys suck! You all suck!

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, good. This is good. This is an example of what I will be talking about. Ali, how did Habib’s and Galid’s comments make you feel.

Ali: Filled with the righteous anger of Allah!

Corporate HR Imam: Really? And what else? Come on. You can tell us.   We are all friends here.

Ali: Angry…..

Corporate HR Imam: And?

Habib: Slightly aroused?

Corporate HR Imam: Let Ali answer, Habib. How did it make you feel?

Ali: And hurt, ok. It hurt my feelings.

Corporate HR Imam: Good Ali. And that is what I am talking about. A safe space is a place where Ali can go and feel safe and secure that no one will make fun of him and hurt his feelings.

Ahmed: I vote that Ali’s safe space be in the middle of the Negev. Surely that is distant enough to keep us safe from the wafting of his noxious fumes.

Ali: Shut up! I’ll kill you for that!

Habib: Shall I rape him first, Allah willing?  I’ll be gentle.

Corporate HR Imam: What the….? No raping.  No killing. Save the killing and the raping for the infidels. Within our own camp we all need to feel safe and secure and respected and loved. Ahmed, do you see how what you said, even if it was in jest, could have been hurtful?

Ahmed: Yeah. Maybe. If Ali were a woman.

Galid: Perhaps Ali would feel safer in a burka.

Habib: And the fumes of death would have a harder time escaping the voluminous folds.

Ali: That’s it. I’m gonna behead you all for that. I’ll do it.

Corporate HR Imam: Stop it!  Put down your sword, Ali.  There will be no beheading of anyone until the demonstration following the training. Now let’s all calm down and get back on task or we might not have time for the beheading demonstration at all. What I am seeing here is a pure example of why you all need to learn about safe spaces. Listen carefully while I define a safe space. A safe space is a place where anyone can relax and be able to fully express, without fear of being made to feel uncomfortable, unwelcome, or unsafe on account of biological sex, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, cultural background, religious affiliation, age, or physical or mental ability. A place where the rules guard each person’s self-respect and dignity and strongly encourage everyone to respect others.

Ali: What, in the name of Allah? Fully express? Is that even proper Arabic? What does that even mean?

Ahmed: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What part of the Holy Quran are you getting this from?

Galid: Yeah, I am confused. Gender identity and expression? Sexual orientation? Are we not commanded to make the world unsafe for such abominations?

Ali: And tolerance of religious affiliation? I thought there was only one true God, Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet. There is no other religion. Is that not why Allah created the scimitar and the stone?

Galid: Are you sure this so-called safe space is not a filthy beguilement of the Jews?   I spit upon the safe spaces.  As Allah is my witness, no space will be safe.

Habib: Surely is Galid’s confusion warranted in this case. For I too am confused. Has not Allah decreed that there are no safe spaces for the homosexual and the infidel? Has not Mohammad said that even the rocks and the trees will cry out to us that ‘here is a Jew hiding behind me, come and kill it?’ Should we be more tolerant than these pure creations of Allah?

Corporate HR Imam: Fine. I’ll take your concerns back to corporate. In the meantime, please just sign the training forms so we can get this over with.

Galid: I spit upon the forms of training. They reek of the trickery of the Jews. Are you sure you are not a shape-changing Jew in disguise?

Bernie Sanders Action Figure (hurtling toward the HR Imam, its string dangling from behind): Marty, I think it is possible that you may be your own father. (bounces of the Imam’s chest)

Ali (whispering): So this one decides not to blow up.

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, who threw that?

Crowd (no one fesses up)

Corporate HR Imam: Any more attempts at my life and I will cancel the beheading demonstration and make the goat pens off limits for a month. I’m serious. I’ll just assume you all understand about the safe spaces, so let’s quickly move on to the last part of the training: Trigger Warnings.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)