WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – Following President Obama’s last-minute executive order banning all off-shore oil drilling, Mr. Obama issued a subsequent command that prohibits all climate change.

Good… Bad… I’m the guy with the pen.

The edict – informally dubbed the Safe Temperatures All Year (STAY) Act – creates a government agency that monitors all global temperature levels and sends out an alert any time any temperature varies by 0.1 degrees Celsius.

“It was a stroke of genius on my part,” said Obama. “After I realized that I could bring oil production levels down to zero over an area of hundreds of thousands of square miles, I figured there was no reason I couldn’t the same for temperatures over the whole planet. I do have a pen and a phone, after all”.

The international temperature alert system created by the President will send a signal to a smartphone app that will notify the user of any fluctuation in temperature anywhere on the planet.

President Obama noted that usage of the app is currently voluntary, but “that may change”.

“My hope,” he continued “is that people will get sick of the BRAP! BRAP! BRAP! sound the app makes and then take action to keep our global environment from changing in dangerous ways. People can do amazing things if they put their minds to it.”

“But,” said Obama, “if they won’t listen, we’ll make the ObamAlarm App mandatory. I mean, if the choice is ‘go deaf’ or ‘fix the planet’, I think love for our Earth will win out”.

“Failing that,” concluded Obama, “there’ll be fines & jail time for deniers. That should settle the science.”