Harvey’s out on vacatoin, and they want me to write something. Can you believe that?

Yeah, Harvey posted two things today, even though he’s on vacaton. That’s because he saw we hadn’t really done anything worthwhile and he really cares about you.

Also to shame us. Mostly that.

So, since I’m not that good at writing, and since I promised I’d post something anyway, I figured out a way to post something without actually writing anything. I’m smart that way. S-M-R-T!

Here’s a post that Frank J. wrote 15 years ago. It’s from August 18, 2003, which was the third Monday in August. Kinda like today is.

August 18, 2003

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In My World: Vice President Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:04 AM

Bush sat in the Oval Office playing nerf basketball until Attorney General John Ashcroft walked in. “Hey, it’s little Johnny Ashcroft,” Bush exclaimed, “How are you doing?”

“Not so good, by golly,” Ashcroft said, “Everybody says mean and untrue things about me like that I want to take away their rights and everything, and it makes me feel bad.”

“I know how you feel,” Bush replied. He then started laughing. “Can you believe that some people say I’m dumb?”

Ashcroft just stared at him. “Anyway, I don’t want to take any nice people’s rights away. I was just trying to fight terrorists, by golly, like by passing the Patriot Act, the Victory Act, and the Question this Act and I’ll Put You in Jail Act.”

“That’s the first bill I’ve seen with the word ‘bitch slap’ in it,” Bush remarked.

“Well, the bitch slap is needed in the fight against terrorism,” Ashcroft said, “but I can only use it after getting a court order, you betcha. To speed things up, of course, I have a whole court follow me around in a bus.”

“So what’s been happening lately on the terrorist front?”

“Well, golly, we found this guy who looked pretty darn suspicious, so we questioned him about terrorism,” Ashcroft answered, “He wouldn’t tell us, nut’n, don’t you know. So we put some electrodes to his gonads and he started singing a different tune, you better believe it.”

“So what did we find out?”

“There a terrorist hideout here in D.C. full of illegal arms, wouldn’t you know.”

“We better go take ’em out!” Bush exclaimed.

“That’s what we’re going to do, by golly.”

“And I’ll go with you.”

“This is not a good idea,” Zatoichi told Bush, “It safer here in the oval office.”

“Who is that?” Ashcroft act.

“That’s a blind samurai I hired as a Secret Service agent under the People with Disabilities Act.”

“And you need to listen to me and stay safe,” Ichi told him.

“Bah!” Bush answered, “Safety is for cowards and smart people! Let’s roll!”

* * * *

“We’re pretty sure the terrorists are in that building, I tells ya” Ashcroft said, pointing to the building ahead of them. The ATF agents gathered around getting ready for the assault. “BTW, Bush, I want you to meet our head ATF agent, Psycho Stan. He used to be a psychotic, remorseless killer.”

“And then you reformed him and made him an ATF agent?” Bush asked.

“Well, we made him an ATF agent,” Ashcroft answered.

“I wants me to kill someone,” Psycho Stan said, twitching.

“When you raid that building, Psycho Stan, we need you to take some alive so we can question them,” Ashcroft ordered.

“A… live…?” Psycho Stan said, confused.

“That when you don’t kill someone,” Ashcroft explained.

“What bullets and explosives do you use to not kill someone?”

“Well you don’t use any bullets or explosives at all,” Ashcroft answered chuckling, “If someone drops their weapon and raises his hands, don’t shoot him.”

Psycho Stan still looked confused, but then he started laughing. “Oh, now I get it. I always wondered why people would drop their weapons and raise their hands, because that seemed a funny way to attack me. I guess they were actually trying to get me to not shoot them.”

“See, you learn something new ever day, by golly.”

Psycho Stan and the rest of the ATF agents prepared for the raid. Bush nudged Zatoichi while laughing. “That guy was dumb.”

Ichi just grunted.

There was a lot of shooting and exploding, but then Psycho Stan emerged bringing out a terrorist at gunpoint. “I got me one,” Psycho Stan said, “and I got him… uh… not dead… uh… what did you call it?”

“Alive.”

“Yeah, he’s alive.”

“And I tell nothing to you infidels!” the terrorist shouted.

“Golly gosh, I think I’ll need to use a bitch slap here,” Ashcroft said, and then turned to judges behind him. “Court order, please.”

They handed him one. Ashcroft then cocked back his hand and bitch slapped the terrorist.

“Okay, I talk!” screamed the terrorist, “We are plotting to kill the Vice President today!”

“Oh no!” Bush exclaimed, “It’s Vice President day! That’s when the Vice President emerges from his undisclosed location. If he stays out, it will mean economic recovery is on its way. But, if he’s scared back in by a terrorist attack, that means six more weeks of recession! It’s covered by all the press.”

“We better call his Secret Service agents and tell them to expect an attack,” Ichi suggested.

“That’s too simple,” Bush said, “We need to race over there and stop it ourselves!”

“Okay,” Aschroft answered, “and I’ll take care of things here, by golly.” He turned to the ATF agents. “Secure the building.”

The building exploded.

“Jeepers,” Ashcroft exclaimed, “We need to work on our communication here.”

“I need your car,” Bush said, pulling open the door to a Corvette and yanking the driver out. “Wow! This is just like Grand Theft Auto!” he remarked as he sat in the driver’s seat, “Now get in Ichi.”

Ichi felt around for the passenger side door.

“Just get in!” Bush urged, “What are you? Blind?”

Ichi simply grunted as he finally got in the car.

* * * *

“You’re holding the camera backwards again!” Melinda Hawkish of Fox News yelled at her camerawoman, “It’s important we get good coverage of the Vice President.”

“Having trouble again,” asked her arch nemesis Lefty Stevens of CNN, “Too bad you’re not professionals like us.” He then thought out loud, “Now how am I going to work into this story that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s father is a Nazi?”

Melinda just gave him a stern look. She then noticed some odd reporters beside her. “That’s a weird looking camera you have,” she told them, “Almost looks like a bazooka with a lens cap on the end.”

“Quiet infidel woman!” shouted one of the men, “You’re unconcealed face and body both disgusts and intrigues me!”

“How rude,” Melinda remarked. She then saw someone start to emerge from the cave in front of them. “The Vice President is emerging!”

Suddenly a Corvette sped into the scene. Out leaped Zatoichi, who cut down three men.

“Those were MSNBC reporters,” Bush told him.

“I hate MSNBC,” Ichi answered.

“But we need to find the terrorists!”

Ichi listened carefully. He could then hear the sound of tension upon a trigger. He quickly tossed his sheath which hit the terrorist’s bazooka, so, instead of firing at the Vice President, it was knocked off target to fire into a group of reporters. Ichi then ran forward and cut down the terrorists.”

Having successfully emerged from his undisclosed location, Dick Cheney now danced a jig.

“Hooray!” Bush exclaimed, “Now we’ll soon have economic prosperity! And all who were killed were a bunch of stupid reporters who can easily be replaced.”

“I save Vice President,” Ichi stated, “You pay me ten ryo.”

“What!” Bush yelled that’s the most ridiculous thing…”

With a quick swipe, Ichi cut off Bush’s tie.

“Ah, fine, you blind bastard,” Bush grumbled, “Let me get my bag of ryo.”

I really hope you enjoyed this look back in time. If you enjoyed it, we may do it again. If you didn’t, I may do it again just to spite you.