FAIRFAX, VA (AP) – In a presidential election season filled with Democrat candidate tripping over each other to see who can advocate for the most restrictive new gun laws, the National Rifle Association has released the results of an exhaustive new national survey on gun ownership which reveals that the average American actually has more guns than the Lobby Scene from the 1999 movie “The Matrix”.

NRA spokesman Harold Callahan admitted he was “a little surprised” by the results of the survey.

“We do this survey every year,” said Callahan, “and normally the average is somewhere between two and three guns per household. This year, things are… up… a little bit.”

Pressed for an explanation for the change, Callahan speculated that there were “several possibilities”.

“Could be that, thanks to the booming economy, people just have more money to spend on guns. Could be that, now that every state in America has a concealed carry law, people want to have something to carry. Could be that normal people are getting a little nervous because every single serious Democrat candidate has come out in favor of taking their guns. Out loud. In public. On national TV. With no shame or hesitation.”

“Or,” mused Callahan, “It could be simply that there are a lot of really big Keanu Reeves fans out there who just want to celebrate the 20th anniversary of what was arguably his best movie by matching him, weapon for weapon, in what was arguably the best scene from that movie. Don’t know if that’s it, but if it is, well, in 2020 ‘Tremors’ turns 30, so expect millions of Michael Gross fans to go full ‘Burt’s Basement‘. And now that I think about it, 2021 sees ‘Terminator 2’ turn 30, and Cástulo Guerra’s fans – which all Americans are – will want to try matching Enrique’s weapons pit.”

While some people, like Callahan, place great faith in the accuracy of the survey, others have been openly suggesting that the NRA actually faked the results just to try to scare off anyone thinking about pushing any sort of mandatory gun registration or confiscation plan. Callahan responded thoughtfully regarding that possibility.

“Yes,” said Callahan, “I suppose it’s entirely possible that this is all just a ploy to put a strong hesitation and the fear of mortality into these lily-livered soy-boy gun-grabber wanna-bes. Yup. There is absolutely a greater-than-zero chance that all these numbers are completely phony. And in all this excitement, I kinda lost track of all the raw data myself. But being this is America, the most powerful country in the world, and the last time government tried to take our guns, we blew their red-coated heads clean off, ya gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, Dems?”
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